Work Text:
It seemed stupid, almost, how easy the spell was. Returning to Purgatory hadn't been fun, and the weight of the news of Benny's death sat heavy on Dean's stomach. He always kind of knew, though, that Benny was dead, from the moment Sam told him that Benny stayed behind. But even then, Purgatory wasn't that bad.
Dean looked across the archive shelves to where he could see the slope of Cas's shoulders under that beige trench coat and tufts of dark hair through the spaces in old books and curse boxes. A tiny smile pulled at his lips-- the way Cas's eyes sparkled, the way he’d smiled when he saw Dean, the comforting weight of Cas’s body when it was pressed against Dean’s. That was worth Purgatory.
They were about to kill God. Maybe the shadow hanging over their lives, that stinking cloud of death and destiny, would fade away. Maybe the anger that boiled in Dean's veins would finally be gone, maybe he could learn to overcome it, maybe he could grow into the kind of person Cas deserved. Maybe he could retire, buy a bar, marry Cas and start a family.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
He opened his mouth as Cas came into view, holding an old jug of what must’ve been myrrh.
You don’t have to say it. I heard your prayer.
But Dean hadn't prayed about this. He wanted to say it, in person, and Cas deserved to hear it.
"Hey, Cas, about that thing I was gonna tell you in Purgatory..."
Cas looked up, giving Dean a soft little smile that threatened to melt him on the spot, Chuck be damned. "I told you, Dean, you don't have to tell me anything. I heard it all in your prayer. And I appreciate that you said it."
Dean let out a light chuckle, staring down at his hands and swallowing, summoning all the courage he had. Saying this, it would change everything between them-- maybe for the best. Dean hoped for the best. Or even just the not-worst. Really, any outcome where Cas knew but didn't hate him was just fine with Dean.
"Thing is, Cas, I didn't say this in the prayer. Figured you deserved to hear it in person."
Cas's wide blue eyes met Dean's, his soft smile faltering. "Dean, is everything alright?"
"Yeah, yeah, everything's good. I mean, this whole thing with Chuck..." Dean exhaled, holding up the leviathan blossom, still slightly crumpled. "It's almost over, isn't it? It just...the whole thing got me thinking, about who I really am, you know? Without Chuck controlling me, without the hamster wheel. And I've been thinking about what I want."
Dean put down the blossom beside where Cas had put down the myrrh, taking a step towards Cas. Cas looked frozen on the spot, his eyes locked on Dean, something undecipherable hiding in his bright blue eyes.
He cleared his throat, ignoring the burn of tears gathering in his eyes. "Thank you, Cas. I know I haven't said it enough, not for everything you've done. Because I know how you see yourself, but, you're more than the mistakes you've made. You're--"
Dean didn't realize how close they'd gotten, not until Cas cleared his throat and looked away.
"Dean," he started, his voice rough as ever but hesitant, careful. His eyes flickered up to Dean's for a second before flitting away again.
Like he couldn't even bear to look at Dean. The burn in Dean's eyes was stronger than ever.
"I know what you're going to say. You don't have to," Cas insisted.
Dean's heart skipped a beat in his chest, a tight coil of shame and regret and guilt burned in his stomach. Cas didn't love him back.
But that was okay. Dean didn't deserve him anyway.
"It's okay, Cas. I'm not expecting anything in return. But let me say this. You deserve to hear it. Because you're not useless."
Dean took another step forward, watching as Cas's breath hitched as his proximity. If he reached up now, he could cup Cas's cheek, wipe the stray tear from his eye.
Why was Cas crying?
"Powered or not, I still lo--"
"Dean, don't. Don't say it."
Dean froze. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Cas's eyes weren't just sad, they were pleading, silently screaming at Dean to stop. Was the idea of them together really that bad?
"You can't," Cas whispered, his voice bordering on hoarse, more tears leaking from the corners of his eyes.
"What's wrong, Cas?" Dean heard himself say, stuck in position, helpless to do anything but watch as Cas's face slowly crumbled. He brought his hand up, but Cas covered it with his own, keeping it down.
That simple action was all it took. Dean couldn't say it. Something bad would happen, to Cas, if he did.
"You made a deal, didn't you?" The words are yanked deep from his gut, clawing up his throat on their way out. He doesn't know what kind of deal Cas made, but it has to be true. Cas did something, and these are the consequences.
Cas hesitated, then nodded. "I'm sorry, Dean."
"What happened?" His voice cracked, coming out broken even to his own ears. His whole world has been reduced to Castiel in these four little stone walls, and it's crashing down all around him, so loud he can hear it thundering in his ears. Or maybe that was his heartbeat.
This wasn't supposed to happen. They were supposed to be allowed to be happy .
"When Jack died, I made a deal with the Empty to trade his soul for mine. But the Empty didn't want to take me then. He wanted to take me when I was truly happy."
"And that's..." Dean trailed off, the words stuck in his throat. Cas's true happiness was them, together . Cas's true happiness was Dean saying the words he walked in here to say, the words he almost did.
He almost killed Cas.
Oh god-- he almost killed Cas. Three little words, and Cas would have been dying in Dean's arms, and it would've been Dean's fault.
Cas nodded, smiling despite his tears. "I don't regret it, Dean. I thought...I thought I'd never been able to have it."
Of course you could have it, Dean wanted to scream. I've been yours since the moment you pulled me out of Hell, since the moment you gave me that handprint.
But he couldn't speak. Instead, he gestured to their hands, their fingers laced together as if done by instinct. Cas's palm felt perfect in his, the way his warm, calloused fingers brushed against the back of Dean's hand. "Can we even...?"
Cas was the first to let go, his hand returning to his side. "I think it would be best if we didn't."
"Who else knows about the deal you made?"
Desperation roared in Dean's chest. There had to be a way out. There was always a way out, even if it meant going back to Hell, Dean would march down there with a smile. Cas deserved a happy ending, they both did, and dammit, they almost had it. How much time had Dean wasted, denying his feelings, choking down on the words, telling himself that he had time? That as soon as the world calmed down, he'd take Cas out to a small hole-in-the-wall diner with good pie and even better burgers, and they'd squeeze themselves on the same side of the table, their fingers laced together under the table as they talked until sundown.
Well, the world never calmed down. Not for them. There was always one more big bad, one more fucking deal to be made, one more storm gathering on the horizon. One more reason to keep themselves unhappy.
"Just Jack. I didn't want you or Sam to know."
"Damnit, Cas."
"Let me guess," Cas said, with a watery kind of smile that snapped Dean's ribcage in half, then went straight for his heart. "You think I'm an idiot."
Dean grabbed Cas by the shoulder and yanked, pulling his head into Dean's chest and wrapping his arms around Cas's waist. He closed his eyes, feeling the tears slip down his cheeks, feeling Cas's black hair tickle his cheek.
Praying it wouldn't be too much, Dean tilted his head up, pressing a long, lingering, salty kiss to Cas's temple. "I'm getting you out of this. I don't care what it takes. We're getting Chuck in that Cage, and then we're getting you out of this."
Cas pulled away, his eyes shining as they met Dean's. "I know you'll try. But if you don't, Dean, it isn't your fault, and I forgive you."
Dean stepped away, wiping his tears with his sleeve. He didn't want Sam to know why his eyes were so red-rimmed. "Let's finish this spell and trap Chuck."