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Giann gets handed a little paper slip by his history teacher in class today. It’s a summons to the counselor’s office. He stuffs it in his pocket where it feels heavy as lead for the rest of his classes.
He doesn’t want to go. Obviously. Giann’s got better things to do than whatever the counselor’s office needs him for. Immediately after class, he wants to go home and maybe make some waffles for Marius, maybe that’ll get him in a better mood, and maybe he’ll feel up to watching that orca documentary he mumbled about being interested in a few days ago, and maybe, maybe that’ll make Marius smile.
But he knows if he doesn’t go, the school might call Dad. And then Dad will worry. And Dad has too many things to be worried about already.
Giann sighs. He spends the rest of his classes only half paying attention, the other half wondering whether or not he should go, until he makes the decision without even knowing. He finds himself standing in front of the counselor’s office after school, the slip is in his hand crumpled to hell and back with how much he’d been fidgeting with it.
Standing here, Giann tells himself it’ll be quick. He’s just going so Dad won’t worry and so this won’t come back later to interrupt the time he should be spending looking after Marius. That’s it. That’s the only reason he’s here.
But inside of him there’s a small, horrible voice that says otherwise. You want to tell someone about it. About the unbearably cold feeling in your gut these days. Don’t you?
It’s the middle of spring right now. The afternoon sun shines through a nearby window.
-
(Giann can’t find Marius.
An extended family get-together is happening at the estate, and he was sure he just saw Marius in the living room playing with a new toy from a distant relative. But at some point between all of the polite mingling Giann had to do—with too many aunts he can’t recognize (who say they knew him as a baby), and too many uncles patting his back and asking if he’s got a girlfriend yet—Marius had just disappeared.
There’s a big chance he’s just off playing somewhere quieter, where he isn’t surrounded by guests milling about, but Giann’s got a bad feeling about this.
He doesn’t know how long it took him to realize Marius was missing.
Giann checks everywhere: Marius’ room, his own room, the garden, the kitchen, and Dad’s study, but his brother is nowhere to be found. With anxiety slowly mounting inside of him, he hopes Marius didn’t go ‘adventuring’ in the nearby forest again. It’s the middle of winter. He could get sick if he’s out for too long.
“Dad, um—” Giann finds his father and pulls him aside as subtly as he can. A flash of concern crosses his father's face; he must've noticed Giann's nervousness. It’s effortlessly covered up in seconds when his father excuses himself to walk with him.
“Have you seen Marius? I can’t find him anywhere,” he says.
“Last I saw him, he was playing around the living room with the gift Aunt Clarisse got him.” Dad frowns for a moment. He’s nowhere near as frazzled as Giann is. He still keeps that friendly and level-headed aura because of all the guests around; but Giann knows he’s worried now too.
“How long has he been…” his father trails off.
“I don’t know.” Giann isn’t as good at masking what he feels yet, not as good as Dad is. The worry bubbles up in his voice, clear and crisp no matter how soft he tries to keep it. “I’m going to check out back, just in case he went into the forested areas again, but let me know if you find him, okay?”
“Of course,” Dad says. “Let me know if you see him too.”
Giann heads back upstairs to do another sweep of the rooms there—maybe Marius got overwhelmed by all the people and decided to hide under one of their beds? In a closet? On the way, he passes by three boys; they can’t be older than ten, and Giann thinks he recognizes them as cousins from a distant branch of the family. Then, very quickly, the only thing he can notice is the familiar toy they’re messing around with.
“Hey,” Giann calls out, and they all freeze when they see him. “That’s Marius’ gift.”
They nervously look at each other, the tallest of the bunch stepping back.
“Have you seen Marius around?” Giann asks.
“Ohh.” One of the smaller kids snickers, setting off the other two as well. “Is he in trouble?”
“No.” Giann can’t tell what his voice sounds like, but it stops their laughter in its tracks. “But you three sure will be if you don’t tell me where he is right now.”)
-
Giann’s shaken out of his stupor when the door to the counselor’s office opens. Miss Santos, one of the school’s counselors, smiles when she sees him just standing there.
“Giann, so good to see you again!” She practically exudes an amiable aura, and Giann knows she’s a nice and well-meaning person. Since this is a private school with a lot of high-profile students, she’s aware of Giann’s background and generally handles it well. She’s even been the one helping him with advance placement programs and scouting possible universities to apply to early, so it stings seeing her so relieved. Like she was convinced he wouldn’t show.
“I’m really glad you dropped by,”she adds.
Giann nods. “I have to go home soon though, so…this will be quick, right? I’m not in trouble, am I?” He laughs softly. Charmingly. That’s what people say he’s like when he laughs, and he needs to start using that deliberately.
“You’re not in trouble,” she assures him, though her next words are anything but reassuring. “There’s just been some concerns I’d like to talk to you about. Nothing bad, I promise.”
“Right.”
The corners of her eyes crinkle when she smiles, gesturing for Giann to come in. “Why don’t you tell me how you’ve been lately first, yeah?”
“Okay,” Giann says.
She’s lying and he knows it, but he steps inside anyway.
-
(Giann knows those kids were lying. Von Hagens have a sense for that kind of thing. They need to, if they want to survive in the world they live in. We were just playing hide and seek in the basement, but we couldn’t find him so we left! What a load of shit, but the rage he wants to let out is overcome by something more powerful:
Panic.
Giann runs. The basement is a frigid room under the kitchen used to store food for big events like this. Forget the chill of winter outside, it’s colder down there by a mile, and he doesn’t know how long it took him to realize Marius was missing, it could’ve been an hour, it could’ve been two, he could be—
“Marius!” Giann calls out the moment he gets the basement door open. “Marius, where are you!?”
It’s dark down here. Cold, too. Each breath from his labored panting scratches agony against his throat, against the walls of his lungs.
“Marius!”
It’s quiet down here. Silent. Eerie and lifeless, overwhelmingly oppressive in the dim lighting and filling up all the empty spaces between the storage palettes and shadows Giann frantically searches through.
“Mariu—”
In the corner, huddled up against a shelf all alone, is a small figure curled in on himself.
Still and unresponsive.)
-
“—Giann? Are you listening?”
“Sorry, yes, Miss Santos, I’m—” Giann was not listening. He must’ve tuned out the world a little bit after she was telling him about some business programs he might be interested in. It’s strange. Sitting across her here in her office, Giann feels miles away. “—I’m listening now. I’m sorry.”
Miss Santos frowns, not even bothering with the casual veneer she’d been trying to set up these past few minutes. “It’s alright. I’m glad you’re listening now.”
“What was that program you were talking abou—”
“Giann, is there anything troubling you at home right now?”
The question rings out like ice cracking on a frozen lake.
“Oh, um.” Giann flounders, as if all his public speaking training and confidence evaporated into thin air. His gut twists at Miss Santos’ expectant but mostly concerned expression. He’s not the one to be concerned about. “No. It’s alright at home. Just…usual stuff.”
Even to him, that lie sounds pathetic.
“It’s almost midterms, Giann.” Miss Santos sighs, leaning over her desk to look at Giann closer. “We keep an eye out for any worrying behavior around this time, and all of your teachers have mentioned a dip in your grades lately. Nowhere near failing, sure, but it’s consistent across every class.”
“That’s…” His words peter out to nowhere. He doesn’t know what to say.
“You’ve also started coming late quite often, you’re not as engaged in discussions, and even your club’s supervisor has been telling me you’re skipping a lot of band practice sessions.”
“I’m just—” If the school calls Dad and tells him about this, he’ll worry. He can’t worry. “It’s nothing, I’ll do better again. I’m just busy taking care of my brother, is all. I need…I need to be home for him.”
“Marius, right?” Miss Santos sits back in her chair, her words sounding as if they’ve been picked out very carefully. “I saw in the news that he was discharged from the hospital for something a few months back. Is that what’s been troubling you these days?”
-
(There’s an instant commotion the moment Giann emerges from the basement with Marius in his arms. One of the kitchen staff is running to call an ambulance and inform Dad, but Giann can’t focus on anything but Marius and how cold he feels, how his skin is tinged blue. Time goes by in starts and stops; deathly slow like it’s been years since Giann found him, before crashing into the speed of chaos.
“G…Giann?” Marius says as Giann wraps him in a blanket that one of the staff handed to him. Marius’ eyelids droop, his pupils dilate but don’t seem to focus on anything. His words are so slow, his movements sluggish. “Giann…”
“I’m here, I’m here, Marius, it’s okay.” Giann’s reassurances come out rapidly, his pulse feels like it’s simultaneously beating at a fever pitch and like it’s stopped altogether. “Wait, no, Marius, don’t clo—can you stay awake for me? Marius?”
Marius doesn’t even have the energy to shake his head. “...M’sleepy…”
“I know, I know, but please stay awake for me,” Giann begs. His fingers tremble and fumble at his phone, uselessly trying to search up “hypothermia first aid,” but he can barely read like this, how is he supposed to help.
“Marius, please.”
“...Just…wanted to play with the others…” Marius’ face slowly scrunches into a frown. It’s the one he wears when he thinks he’s in trouble. “...M’sorry.”
“Don’t say that, you didn’t do anything wrong!” At this point, Giann wishes Marius would wail or cry or scream, anything that isn’t this; slurred words, sounding so lost and confused. Giann holds Marius close, hoping that he can at least understand that it’s not his fault. “You didn’t do anything wrong so please stay awake for me.”
Marius leans against Giann’s body, still mumbling slowly like he couldn’t hear a single thing Giann said. “Sorry…for making…trouble…”
“You didn’t, you never—Marius? Come on, stay awake, no, no, no, no—”
The paramedics have to pry Marius’ unconscious body away from Giann when they arrive.)
-
“I’m fine,” Giann tells Miss Santos.
“Giann…”
“Marius is the one who isn’t fine, so I’m just taking more time to look after him.” Level voice, maintain eye contact, not too loud but not too soft. He knows how to do this. He knows. “I’ll make sure it doesn’t affect my grades and I’ll start going to club meetings again.”
His answer was meant to placate her, but she doesn’t dismiss him yet. In fact, she presses further. “Isn’t your father helping you out in looking after your brother?”
“Of course Dad’s helping, but—”
Giann stops himself too late. He shouldn’t have said but and she sure as hell caught it.
“He’s busy,” he says. Keep a level voice, Giann tells himself, but it’s like more and more wants to come tumbling out. “He’s just busy with work. He’s got a lot on his plate, so I’m home more often than he is.”
“Well, you can’t be doing this all on your own, Giann.” He’s starting to hate how reasonable she sounds.
“You don’t get it, Marius is…he’s not all the way well yet after…” Giann shoves his hand into his pocket, finding the paper slip and crumpling it at its edges, wearing it down. His words are clumsy but they keep coming, like they want to be heard. “He doesn’t talk as much anymore, he’s getting nightmares, we’ve been homeschooling him now because of everything but sometimes he can’t stand whoever the tutor of the week is if I’m not there. I’m the only one aside from Dad that he trusts, and Dad is busy, and it’s complicated, okay, it’s—”
“I don’t doubt that it is,” Miss Santos interrupts, speaking slowly. “But it’s so complicated that it’s taking a toll on you. People can tell. And you can too, can’t you?”
Despite the clear sky outside, Giann feels a chill inside of him spiderwebbing outwards.
“It’s fine. I’m fine.”
“Nevertheless, if you can, you and your father should look into solutions that will help all of you. A babysitter or maybe more househelp, someone who can lessen the burden—”
“He’s not a burden!”
It takes Giann a second—maybe two, maybe five, maybe an eternity—to realize he’d yelled. To realize he’s half out of his seat and Miss Santos’ wide-eyed shock is slowly melting into worry in the silence.
“I…” Shame freezes him, paralyzes him. He slumps back into his seat. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice.”
“It’s okay, I’m sorry too. I should’ve chosen my words better, I didn’t mean to imply Marius is a burden.” Her worry feels like an accusation, and he can’t even deny his guilt anymore. “What I meant to say is that…taking care of a whole other person, a child especially, is not a one man job. And it absolutely isn’t a job for you in particular.”
“I’m his older brother,” Giann says. His voice is level again, but softer. Smaller. “Of course it’s my job.”
“You’re fifteen, Giann,” Miss Santos tells him slowly. “You’re a kid too.”
“But I’m his older brother first.” He hates how small he sounds. He hates how the sun is shining but there’s a phantom chill stuck in his body that hasn’t left for months. “I’m supposed to be watching over him and protecting him and making sure that he’s happy and safe and I—”
Words that don’t want to be said but still want to be heard. It’s horrible. It’s cold. But he wants someone else to know. Doesn’t he?
“—I failed.”
-
(One of Giann’s last happy memories of Mom was in the hospital. How she managed to be such a bright presence even ‘til the end will always be clear in Giann’s memory for the rest of his life, just like the promise he made one day at her bedside.
“Do you think Marius will like me?” Giann asked her nervously. He was scooched up next to her on the hospital bed as he stared intently at the swell of her belly.
“Of course he will, sweetheart,” Mom said, voice as gentle and sure as music. “Are you scared he won’t?”
“Not really, I’m just…I’m gonna be an older brother, once he’s here. And he’ll be a baby. I don’t know how to take care of a baby.”
“He won’t be a baby forever, Giann,” Mom laughed. “But you shouldn’t worry about it too much. Just follow what feels right.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean—” Even with her waning strength in those days, she’d pulled him in for a hug. “—That you’re already a spectacular boy, so I know with all my heart that you'll be the best big brother ever to Marius.”
“I will,” Giann nodded. Back then, the determination that surged in him felt like warmth. “I promise to take care of him no matter what!”
“I know you will.”
And she sounded so sure.)
-
Giann makes it home around half an hour later. Miss Santos had given him a long and kind spiel on how he shouldn’t blame himself, after he explained to her what had happened, but none of it really…stuck. Now that someone else knows, he doesn’t feel lighter, nor does he feel like he got something off his chest.
He just feels condemned.
Payton greets Giann once he’s through the front door and lets him know that Marius is in his room. He usually is, these days.
When he gets there, the lights are all on, even the tiny whale shaped night-light in the corner, and he finds Marius at his study desk, scribbling on a big sketchpad with colored pencils. But like he usually does these days, the moment he sees Giann coming in, he gathers his things and puts them away neatly.
“Hey, Marius.” Giann smiles, walking over to him. “How was class today?”
“Boring. We read a bunch,” Marius answers, closing his sketchpad and looking up at Giann. “Why’d you take long at school?”
Giann ruffles his hair lightly and laughs when Marius pouts. “I got caught up at band practice. I’m really sorry I kept you waiting.”
“It’s okay, I know you’re busy,” he mumbles.
Sometimes, Giann thinks he and Marius are too alike for their own good.
“Never too busy for you though, brat.” Giann carries him from the chair—way too easily, Marius is still so tiny—and laughs some more as Marius squirms and whines about how he’s too old to get carried. “Have you eaten dinner yet? Dad’s not gonna be home ‘til late—”
“Giann! Put me down!”
“Okay, okay, you don’t have to smack my face.” Giann grins as he puts Marius back down, ushering him out of the room and into the kitchen. “I can make breakfast for dinner, since Dad won’t be here to tell us waffles are too sugary for the evening and Payton won’t snitch so long as I ask him really, really nicely not to.”
Marius follows him out, walking just a step behind Giann. “Can we have breakfast for dinner and ice cream?”
“Pretty sure that’s not a breakfast food, but what the hell, why not. We can eat while watching that orca documentary you mentioned before, how’s that?”
When Marius doesn’t reply for a few seconds, Giann turns back. Marius is staring straight at him, fidgeting with his fingers. Quietly, Marius says. “Can we…watch something you like today?”
“Huh? Why, you wanna watch something different?”
“Not really, but you seem…sad. So we should do something to cheer you up.”
Von Hagens have a sense for when people are lying. Giann wishes Marius hadn’t learned it so easily and he wonders just how many more times he’s going to fail this kid.
“You’re too smart for your own good sometimes, y’know that?” Giann sighs. “How about we watch something we both find cool. Does that work?”
“Yeah,” Marius says, and just like that, Giann knows they won’t talk about it anymore today.
The prospect of their plans does have Marius in a less closed-off mood once they’re in the kitchen, which is good. But one good day won’t make up for it all. Giann knows. Giann will never be able to forget it, but so long as he can stay by Marius’ side and never, ever be absent when his brother needs him…maybe the phantom sensation of cold will seep away. So Giann spoils Marius with sweets, Giann finds a movie they both like, Giann puts his heart and soul into making sure his brother is happy.
Giann puts on a smile he knows Marius can see through. It keeps the cold at bay.