Chapter Text
Levi was not a fanciful man. He did not consider the world biased to a moral—he was not one of those people who were certain of an inherent goodness, nor the sort of man who viewed everyone with the suspicion that lying below the surface was a fundamental cruelty, that everyone was pre-disposed to that cruelty.
No, Levi was intimately aware that people are just vessels for reactions to the events surrounding them. A person can be good all their life and then their security is threatened by something, and they wake up a killer. A person can be bad all their life, raised thieving and gnashing teeth, then ‘turn the other cheek,’ if you will.
He went through this cramped, limited world not expecting much of anyone. He prepared for viciousness and was pleasantly surprised by kindness. If it were the other way round, he would not have made it passed sixteen. But this lack of fancifulness created a black hole in his mind for any sort of creative viewing of the world. He saw the world for what it was, and it stared back at him as if to say, ‘you live here, you will always live here, and when you die you shall lie within me, you shall never escape me, so face me.’ And he did. Daily.
This inability to daydream—his crushing, permanent, hyperawareness of reality—made silence unbearable. He knew there were people who could sit, and stare at the wall, content with the fantasies flitting around their heads for company. But Levi could not just sit. He’d do his paperwork until his wrist ached, then he’d exercise—push-ups, shadowboxing, jogging round the headquarters before dawn, then he’d clean.
People called him a clean freak. People said he was obsessive about cleanliness. And he did like to live in a clean environment, he felt that as long as his surfaces were free of dust and his floors clean of mud that was a confirmation that his control over his own life was legitimate. But he often cleaned simply so he didn’t have to sit in silence.
He wondered if his despising silence was why he was such a good slaughterer—he was constantly listening, looking, paying attention, keeping the quiet at bay. He hated the quiet, he hated silence. He was not a visionary. He was not a daydreamer. He was not fanciful.
He was flesh and blood, and he stared this brutal world dead in the eye demanding it spit his life back at him; until it did, he would fight through the silence and come out every time snarling and alive.
—
The hand he was holding belonged to Roald Bauer, he was not in Levi’s squad, but he’d been a scout for three years. Levi knew him and knew him well.
‘Please Captain,’ Roald gurgled as blood dribbled down the side of his mouth and tinted his blond hair red, ‘please tell me it was worth it, please.’ Petra was crying, her shoulders heaving up and down.
Levi squeezed Roald’s calloused hand, ‘it was worth it, I will remember it, remember you,’ he said, ‘I will make it worth it,’ he leaned closer to Roald, ‘I will make it worth it.’ Then, ‘Captain…he’s gone.’
He did not move for a moment, he let himself feel the sorrow, let it block his throat and press on his eyes. Then he swallowed it down, placed Roald’s hand on his destroyed chest and opened his mouth to say to Petra to get Roald’s body to the camp but he was interrupted by pounding hooves.
‘Captain Levi!’ it was Erwin, green cloak billowing around him like a war banner, ‘we are to retreat.’
‘What?’ he stood up, they were making progress, they’d eliminated thirty or more titans in the last six blocks of this abandoned city just outside Karanese, he said as much to Erwin, but the man just shook his head. Levi saw a glaze of distress in Erwin’s eyes and felt the hair stand on the back of his neck.
‘Trost has been breached. Wall Rose is at risk of falling.’
Petra gasped and then Levi’s ears went tinny. He mechanically whistled for his horse and mounted it, vaguely hearing Petra doing the same and her intense sobbing as they rode away from Roald Bauer’s body, still weeping blood onto the weed covered cobbles. He watched Erwin riding in front of him.
‘Is it true?’ Oluo called as he joined Petra behind him.
‘I don’t know.’ Petra spat, her breaths still ravaged by sobs.
‘Fuck,’ Eld was yelling behind him, ‘fuck, fuck.’
‘We need to focus,’ Gunther yelled over Eld’s cursing and Petra’s crying, ‘we need to be measured,’ but there was a waver even to his voice, ‘we can’t go into battle crying like babies.’
The joke fell flat but Petra managed a weak laugh, then, ‘Captain, what are your orders?’
Levi did not reply, just watched Erwin ahead of him. Squads were regrouping on their horses around him and he was surrounded by a cacophony of yelling, sobbing, begging, and swearing. His tongue felt thick and dry in his mouth.
‘Captain, please,’ Petra yelled, ‘what formation will we use? Anything?’
‘Oi Petra,’ Oluo tittered in a high-pitched voice, full of utter, crushing dread, ‘you shouldn’t speak to your higher up like that.’
‘Fuck rank,’ she cried out, ignoring Eld and Gunther yelling objections over her, ‘my father is in Rose! Just at the gates of Trost! Fuck rank, Oluo, my father, my fucking dad might-’
‘Enough,’ Levi eventually yelled, interrupting Petra’s yelling, and his squad went silent, he felt their eyes on him, ‘we stay together until we reach Trost. Once there, we await orders from Commander Erwin. The order of rank still stands.’ His squad yelled ‘roger,’ and Petra tacked on, ‘sorry, sir.’
‘Better to lose your shit on the way to a battle, than in the battle itself,’ he said in reply.
To his right a young man with long brown hair tied in a braid threw up over the side of his horse. His name was Merrick Visser, Levi remembered, good at assists. Merrick was crying as he rode, his file came into Levi’s head and next to ‘residence’ the word ‘Trost’ blazed a searing red in his mind. He swallowed and, fucking hell, his mouth is so dry.
To his left Hanji was muttering under her breath, her eyes—magnified by her goggles—were darting everywhere, still adamantly looking for stray titans coming onto the path of the charging soldiers. Levi was glad for that, someone had to keep a look out other than himself. He’d not spotted a single titan since Erwin had delivered the news. He thought, feeling manic and sick, maybe the titans could smell their utter wretchedness and decided that they’d leave them be, maybe the sight of nearly a hundred strong soldiers losing their Goddamned minds evoked some pity even in the titans. He knew if he said that out loud his squad would find no comfort, likely thinking he’d finally lost it proper.
‘Ma…’ Levi could hear Eld saying behind him, ‘pa…’
‘Ida works in Trost,’ Oluo was muttering, ‘Ida and Margo would be in Trost right now…’ Levi had met Ida once, Oluo’s younger sister. She had darker hair than Oluo’s but the same light green eyes, she’d smiled at Levi and shaken his hand, laughing, and saying, ‘Oluo never shuts up about you, Captain Levi.’ Oluo had grabbed her shoulders, shouting, ‘shut up, shut up, Ida, you cow.’
Levi glanced at Mike, also to his left. Mike was stoic which brought Levi some comfort. A year older than Erwin, Mike was reliable. Capable. Then he saw Mike’s white knuckles and his clenched jaw, and he thought ‘this is it, this is it. This is the end, and no matter what I do it’ll be useless, we’re fucked, we’re damned.’
Wall Rose’s shadow bathed them in darkness as they rode along its perimeter. The sky was still bright blue, barely any clouds, barely any wind. ‘Perfect day for an expedition,’ he remembered Hanji saying through bread that morning, as she rocked back and forth on her feet, ‘wonder if titans get tanned?’
It was colder in the shadow, the sun’s warmth blacked out entirely by the protective behemoth. They passed some ivy and Levi was aware the group had gone quiet, the initial panic settling into a grim dread. There was heavy breathing around him, still wet gasps, and hiccups—the dregs of sobbing, but beneath it, he could feel it, that determination.
Erwin was still silent in front of him. His blond hair messy in the wind, the Wings of Freedom blowing like a declaration behind him. He’d let them panic, Levi realised. Let them all get it out their system. The vomit and tears and worry. Let them spew it all out, let them scream and yell and beg to whatever God they decided to latch onto.
Now they were angry. Now they knew what they were fighting for, what faces they needed to keep in their mind as they approached the jutting out stone of Trost. Levi brought his shoulders closer to his ears, burrowing his lower face slightly into the scratchy wool of his cloak. His ears were cold and his mouth still so fucking dry.
He thought of Roald Bauer and decided that was the face he’d keep in his mind as he fought.
—
Fighting in Trost was not like fighting in abandoned Maria. He smashed through a window and found a still steaming pot of soup, he punched his fist into the floorboard. Bodies lay everywhere and it was vile. He’d seen it so many times during the aftermath of the fall of Wall Maria, but a child’s guts spread on the floor like strewn toys was never something he wanted to get used to seeing.
Oluo had puked five minutes into battle, then he’d needed to turn to hold Petra’s hair as she did the same. Levi kept his back to it, staring over the buildings. He’d seen something, but he wasn’t certain of it. If he was right, then nothing he’d believed about this world would remain the same—but if he was wrong then he’d well and truly lost his fucking mind.
That was not an issue he was in a position to deal with right now, and he shook the memory out his mind, puffing his hair away from his sweaty forehead. He shot out of the broken window, knuckles aching. Gunther burst past him in a plume of gas, followed by Eld, Levi called, ‘all good?’
‘All good, Captain, sir,’ Eld called back. “All good” meant nothing other than the squad was all alive. As long as they were all alive, they could fight. That was good. It was when there was no one left to reply to the question that you should start freaking the fuck out.
He flew forward, using chimneys and roofs and walls and closed windows as platforms to push himself further and faster, he needed to keep his gas—there was an HQ on the other side of the city, and he needed to guarantee that he could always reach that if he needed to.
‘Levi!’ Mike called from beneath him, then jumping to a wall to push himself to the same height as Levi, shooting his wires out and keeping level with the other man, ‘Erwin says there’s something at the destroyed gate that you need to check on.’
‘The gate?’ Levi yelled back, through the wind. The sun was beginning to set—how long had it been?
Mike spat some of his hair out his mouth that had been blown in by the wind, ‘don’t know what, but Garrison are gathering up there.’
‘Shit,’ Levi turned to look the direction of the gate they’d bypassed by using their ODM to scale the wall, horses abandoned outside, and landed himself on a roof, Mike followed, ‘shit, you don’t think it’s the colossal or something?’
Mike sniffed and shook his head, ‘we’d know if it was one of them by now, they don’t tend to announce themselves quietly.’
Levi nodded, flexing and closing his hand into a fist rhythmically, he and Mike looked at the wall where, sure enough, a gaggle of the Garrison were forming. It was too far away to see what they were doing, ‘right,’ he eventually said, ‘better see what it is.’ Mike nodded, ‘good luck,’ he said as he thumped Levi on the back.
Then they were off, flying in opposite directions. He could hear Mike take down a titan behind him. He made the decision to avoid any titans rather than engage, if Erwin had ordered him to go to the gate, he was going to go to the gate.
He didn’t know what he was expecting, he didn’t know what he hoped for. He didn’t know if it might’ve been easier if he was just insane. Because, as he flew toward the open space in front of the gate, he saw a titan’s body going up in steam and three kids—recruit aged—yelling amongst all the steam, one black haired, one blond, and one brunette; and it looked like (he spat a mad laugh out at the idea and the noise was lost in the rushing wind) the brunette was being peeled out the titan’s nape. Not only that, but the gaping wound in Trost’s gate was pointedly blocked by a massive boulder. No man could move that boulder.
He looked at the corpse the kids were gathered on. He refused to connect the dots.
A titan was approaching the three and he quickly took it down, landing with his back to the steaming corpse and three faces. He faced the setting sun and gathered himself. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew that when he turned around, he’d be staring a different world in the face.
He braced himself, turned, and met tired, bright green eyes looking at him. The skin around the eyes was ridged deep into the skin of his cheeks, it looked painful. Steam was rising from the boy. Levi swallowed the bile rising. He’d never puked on duty, and this kid wasn’t about to make him puke now.
‘What the fuck is going on here,’ he said, and the boy promptly passed out, the black-haired girl holding him letting out a yelp and tearily howling, ‘Eren!’
There was a flurry of feet landing around him, including Erwin Smith. Levi slid off the titan which was beginning to decay already.
‘Levi,’ Erwin said as he walked to Levi’s side, ‘what do you see?’
Levi flickered his eyes over the black-haired girl’s weeping face, the blond-haired boy’s panicking face—he looked about three hyperventilating breaths away from vomiting, pissing his pants and passing out all at the same time, and the now out-cold brunette. ‘I have no fucking clue, Erwin,’ Levi muttered as he turned to see Erwin’s face.
Erwin’s eyes were shining like how Hanji’s glasses reflect the sun—bright but hiding what was beneath and leaving him unreadable; his eye bags were purple, looking even darker on his pale face which was shiny with sweat. He was licking his teeth in the creepy way he does—running his tongue over the front of his incisors and canines and back again. He looked like he’d just had his point proved. Levi didn’t know what point that was, but he knew he was suddenly pretty fucking angry. He faced Erwin with his whole body now, and spat, ‘did you know about this?’
Erwin’s eyes shot to his, ‘no.’
‘Why do you look so,’ Levi squeezed his fist and flexed it again, repeating the sensation again and again, searching for the word, ‘pleased.’ Erwin broke eye contact and looked back at the boy, then said, quiet enough that no one but Levi would hear, ‘I said I didn’t know about it,’ he lent into Levi’s personal space and Levi could smell his sweat, but Erwin didn’t stop staring at the boy with those blue, diagnostic eyes, ‘I never said I didn’t suspect something.’
For not the first time that day, Levi’s hair stood on end. He swallowed and felt aware of the sweat in his armpits. He wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what. He didn’t need to have settled on anything because before he could open his mouth a loud voice, slightly slurring called, ‘Erwin! Levi! You’ll never believe it, but I shared a drink with a titan today!’ then Pixis burst into a guffaw.
Erwin stood up straight as the laughing older man approached, ‘Commander,’ Erwin said. Levi was silent.
‘You missed all the fun, Erwin,’ Pixis continued, ‘drinking with a titan, a titan killing other titans, a titan-’
‘What?’ Levi said, stepping forward—his brow was furrowed and the sweat in his underarms was seeping into his shirt leaving it damp and uncomfortable, ‘a titan killing other titans? You need to lay off the drink, old man.’
Pixis guffawed once more and put his hands in the air, ‘it’s a wild, weird world, Captain,’ Pixis yelled, the Garrison soldiers not paying any attention, ‘I drink to see it in brighter colours,’ he tapped his temple, ‘helps me focus.’
‘One day you’re gonna drink too much and slip off the fucking wall,’ Levi sneered. Pixis winked, ‘and I’ll go down smiling.’ Levi rolled his eyes, but there was no malice; he liked Pixis—and Pixis liked him, which was rare from non-Scouts. Erwin had gone toward the three recruits and was talking with the two still awake. The girl was still crying but the other boy, the blond one, was talking. His mouth was moving fast, and his eyes flittered around, gathering details. Levi kicked a stone that was on the floor in front of him, it bounced off the back of the steaming titan corpse beside him.
‘This the thing Erwin sent you for?’ Mike called, as he landed beside Levi, Hanji following a second later.
‘Ah, Hanji, you’ll be thrilled by the events I’ve had today,’ Pixis said, smiling so much his eyes disappeared. Hanji’s face crumpled, ‘what, what did I miss, fuck I always miss the good stuff.’
‘I don’t know what the fuck this is, Mike,’ Levi said, turning to the taller man. Mike met his gaze and crossed his arms, sniffed, and grimaced, ‘that corpse don’t smell like other titan corpses. And…’ Mike uncrossed his arms and stepped forward, the wind blew his hair from his face and Levi saw his eyes widen, ‘is the gate blocked?’
‘Yep,’ Levi said, popping the p, ‘and the boy, the brown haired one,’ Levi jerked his head at where Erwin was still crouching, talking to the blond boy, Mike nodded and Levi continued, ‘he came out the nape of that titan which is now rotting away.’
‘What? What? What was that?’ Hanji spun around, hands flailing. Mike and Levi ignored her, the taller man frowning deeply, ‘how do you mean “came out”?’
‘Came out. Burst out. Popped out, I don’t know, he was halfway out when I got here.’
‘Levi, what did you see? What was he attached to, please tell me, was he naked? How does he have clothes on? What happened?’ Hanji whined, grabbing onto Mike’s arm, and shaking it. They ignored her, ‘what did Erwin say?’ Mike asked.
‘Ugh. He fuckin’ creeped me out,’ Levi looked at his Commander as he spoke, ‘he asked me what do I see.’
‘Huh,’ Mike said, looking at Erwin with his head cocked, ignoring Hanji kicking his calf, ‘weird.’
‘Any casualties, Mike?’ Levi asked—no one wanted to ask, but everyone wanted to know. Mike looked down at Levi again, and shook his head, ‘none,’ he said, ‘Lynne twisted her ankle badly on a crappy landing, but that’s it. You?’
‘Oluo and Petra barfed. Both alive last I saw.’
‘I saw all your squad gathered a few streets away, Levi,’ Hanji spoke up, ‘they were fine.’ Levi nodded and Hanji said after a beat, ‘now about the titan-boy-’ and Levi walked off, hoping to find his squad.
He was about to fire off his wires and get off the ground, when he saw a group of annoying pricks marching toward Erwin Smith. He stood for a moment and debated his situation. There were still titans roaming around somewhere, he could feel their feet rumbling the ground far off; he could find his squad, and they could have this place cleared out before the pubs did last call. Who knows they might even all be warm and snug in their beds before midnight—wouldn’t that be nice?
But Erwin had his back turned to the approaching pigs and Mike was looking at Levi with an eyebrow raised as the unicorn boys with their noses sky-high righteously marched their stuck-up selves toward the three kids and Erwin’s crouched form. Levi looked at Pixis, who was chugging from a flask, muttered ‘for fuck’s sake’ under his breath, turned on his heels and made it to Erwin just long enough before the Police to slap his hand on Erwin’s broad shoulder and spit ‘the bitch brigade is here.’
‘Commander Erwin Smith,’ Commander Roeg, a slimy looking man with beady eyes and a receding hairline was leading the troop, ‘step away from the boy.’
‘Under whose authority are you acting, Commander Roeg?’ Erwin had his shoulders back, he looked massive when he did that, and Levi was dwarfed. He glanced around and saw his squad standing on a nearby roof. Oluo waved at him, and Petra smacked him round the head. He saw Eld laughing, and he was glad they were safe. He looked back at Roeg who looked ready to explode.
‘My authority,’ Roeg sneered, ‘my authority, Smith. And we are within the walls, Smith. Do I need to spell out that you have no authority within the walls?’
‘Do I need to spell out, Roeg,’ Levi snarled, ‘that this steaming pile of shit behind us is a titan,’ the black-haired girl behind him yelled something but he didn’t hear what, he continued, ‘and regarding titan matters, Roeg, the Scouts have authority.’
Roeg didn’t look at Levi as he smiled nastily at Erwin, ‘watch your dog, Smith, he needs a muzzle.’
Levi bristled, he really didn’t want to give the man the satisfaction, but he could see the exact movements he’d need to do to break Roeg’s nose in a very clean and civil manner. He stepped his foot back, to brace into a fighting stance but Erwin lifted his hand.
‘Commander Roeg, we will settle this in court,’ Erwin said, calmly, and his calmness pissed Levi off, ‘and we shall gather in that court, which represents all of humanity on an even playing field, and we shall discuss this matter in a balanced, appropriate way.’
‘Don’t patronise me, Smith.’
‘Wouldn’t dream of it, Commander Roeg,’ and Levi fought back a smile at that. He liked when Erwin was snarky—he did it so politely that the receiving party could never figure out if they were meant to be offended or flattered. Roeg had decided on the former and looked like he really wanted to swear at Erwin—or maybe call him a big meanie.
‘We will be taking the boy into custody-’
‘No!’ the black-haired girl screamed, and the blond boy cried out, ‘Mikasa, stop!’
‘Excuse me?’ Roeg’s beady eyes squinted even more, Levi thought about saying that Roeg ought to get glasses with all that squinting he did, but the black-haired girl—Mikasa?—had shoved past him, sword drawn and screaming, ‘you will not get even one stubby, fat little finger on him.’
Levi could see Mike turn away quickly to hide his laugh, Hanji didn’t even try and cackled loudly, she even slapped her thigh which Levi thought was a bit overkill, some of the Police turned and glared at her. The blond boy scurried past him and grabbed Mikasa’s arm, ‘Mikasa, stop. You’re just making it worse for Eren.’
‘Listen to your friend, girl,’ Roeg spat, ‘the boy is coming into custody.’
Mikasa reared her head back and Levi saw her grey eyes flashing with something, he thought of Kenny, and his head twitched. Before Mikasa could break her friend’s grasp on her, Erwin’s hand landed on her shoulder.
‘Mikasa, is it?’ the girl looked at him, vicious gaze unwavering, ‘I am Commander Erwin Smith, and this,’ he gestured to Levi, ‘is Captain Levi. We will accompany your friend to the Military Police’s holding cell. What is he called, your friend?’
‘Why should I trust you,’ she said, coldly.
‘Because I see no reason why your friend should be harmed. He’s done a good thing today, and he may be able to do many more good things on behalf of humanity-’ Roeg scoffed at that, Erwin ignored him, ‘-if we’d only give him the chance. What is his name, Mikasa?’
‘Eren,’ the blond boy said, ‘Eren Yaeger.’
‘Thank you,’ Erwin said, with a small smile, ‘now, Mikasa, the police will have to handcuff Eren,’ Mikasa’s glare darkened, and she looked downright homicidal, Erwin didn’t blink, nor did his hand shift from her shoulder, ‘but nothing will happen to Eren as long as either Captain Levi or myself are with him. Once he is in the holding cell, nothing can be done to him. The Grand General Zachary—do you know who that is?’ Mikasa shook her head after a moment, Erwin continued on, ‘he’s in charge of all three regiments of the military. Grand General Zachary will oversee this case personally, I’m sure. Therefore, the holding cell will be locked by him, and the keys held by him personally.’
‘Speaking with a lot of authority there, Smith,’ Roeg spoke up.
‘Have I said anything wrong?’ Roeg didn’t reply to Erwin’s question, just jangled some large handcuffs.
‘Prick,’ Levi muttered, Mikasa looked at him then back at Erwin. She sheathed her sword and nodded slowly.
‘Feel free to follow behind us, Mikasa and…?’ Erwin paused, waiting for the blond boy to answer. ‘Armin, sir. Armin Arlert.’ Erwin nodded, smiled, and continued, ‘Mikasa and Armin. Levi,’ he turned his attention to Levi now, ‘please go and inform your squad of your involvement with Mr. Yaeger. Get an assessment of the situation throughout Trost as well please.’ Levi nodded and jogged off.
His squad must have realised he was coming toward them because they all jumped down and landed before him, meeting him halfway.
‘Sir, what’s going on?’ Oluo asked at the same time Petra called, ‘Captain Levi, are you alright?’
‘There’s a boy who can turn into a titan,’ Levi said bluntly, and scratched his head. He was fucking tired, and it was nearly dark. If the expedition had gone as planned, they’d be in their tents eating bread and raw carrots right now.
‘Huh?’ Oluo said, then louder, more like a bark, ‘Huh?’
‘What do you mean “turn into a titan”?’ Gunther said, looking very sweaty.
‘Not sure,’ Levi replied.
‘What if it’s a titan that can turn into a boy?’ Eld said, looking sweatier than Gunther somehow.
‘Dumbass, what does that even mean?’ Oluo squawked, Petra smacked him round the back of the head, ‘you’re the dumbass, obviously there’s a difference.’
‘What is it then, Petra? Since you’re so smart?’
‘Stop bickering, you two, oh my days,’ Gunther sighed, then looked at his Captain, ‘there are a few titans left, sir. But the Garrison are handling them.’
‘The Garrison are handling them?’ Levi said with an eyebrow raised, Gunther shrugged as Eld crossed his arms and said, ‘last I saw they actually were. Their little cannons can actually do some damage when they’re sober enough to aim them.’
‘I’ll pretend I didn’t hear you make that remark, Jinn,’ Levi said, smirking slightly. Eld flushed but grinned. Levi turned his head toward where the Yaeger boy was being chained up, dregs of recruits were being herded into the square, Petra sighed sadly, ‘poor things, look at the state of them.’
‘Yeah,’ Gunther murmured, ‘rough graduation day.’
‘This was their graduation day?’ Petra gasped, Gunther must have nodded because she let out another sad, pitying sigh.
Erwin was looking at Levi now, Levi turned back to his squad, ‘go help the Garrison. I’m going to the Main Court in Nisa with Erwin and the titan-boy-thing,’ his squad smiled at his labelling of the situation, ‘when all titans are confirmed to be cleared, return here, and find either Mike or Hanji, if neither of them are here then go to Pixis. Seems they’re preparing to set up shop here,’ the Garrison had been bringing out tables ladened with medical equipment. Already, grey figures clothed head-to-toe in white medical clothes were drifting about the place. The undertakers looked ominous in the day, but at dusk, being lit up by lanterns and candles and the blue of the fading sun, they looked haunting. Levi never liked them, they set his teeth on edge.
‘Yes, sir,’ his squad replied. They saluted as he walked off. He listened to them shoot off. They were doing good considering the day they’d had.
Erwin had found some other recruit to entertain himself interrogating, and Levi heard the tail end of the conversation as he approached, ‘-blinding the titans, that was a good move.’
‘Yes, sir. Thank you, sir,’ the kid speaking was tall and slim and pale. He had the military approved undercut but his ashy-blond hair was spiked up with sweat, his hands had clearly been grabbing at his hair and it stuck up at awkward angles, jagged. His uniform was dirty, his white trousers covered in dirt and blood. Levi noted the blood wasn’t evaporating. Erwin set his hand on the boys shoulder, ‘you did a good job, Jean. You’ll be a valuable asset to any regiment you join.’
‘Thank you, sir.’
‘Oi, Erwin,’ Levi called, ‘sent my squad off to help the Garrison finish up. They’ll return here after that.’
Erwin nodded, ‘thank you, Levi. This is Jean Kirstein—he led a very successful cadet charge to the Trost Headquarters, as well as using an impressive strategy to clear the basement of titans.’
Levi didn’t say anything, Jean Kirstein was very pale. He looked bleak, in fact. Like the undertaker’s clothes, ‘let’s go, Erwin.’
When Erwin lifted his hand from Jean’s shoulder, the boy seemed to lose his balance and he fell to his knees, Erwin tried to catch him but was too slow and the boys knees hit the ground hard. ‘Jean-’ Erwin began, but Levi interjected, ‘he’s been through hell, Erwin.’
Jean looked up at him and Levi stared in the hazel? Brown? Amber? eyes which were welling with tears, the boy sniffed, and his forehead wrinkled as his brows lifted and frowned. ‘Leave him be,’ Levi murmured. Erwin looked from Levi to Jean then leant into the boys space, ‘are you alright, Jean? Are you hurt?’
Jean shook his head, ‘n- no…sir. I- I just,’ he heaved and for a moment Levi thought the boy would puke, he turned his head away not wanting to see but Jean just breathed out shakily, ‘just lost some friends.’ There was a pause, Levi still wasn’t looking but he could feel the amber eyes on him. Then Erwin’s hand patted the boy’s back and he said, ‘alright, son. Alright.’
Levi looked at a Garrison soldier bandaging the hand of a recruit who was crying very hard. Erwin was a good man. Ruthless, but good. He scratched the back of his neck, Erwin would have been a good teacher, he thought. Maybe in another world he would’ve been a teacher.
‘Ready to go?’ Erwin said beside him. Roeg was slapping his foot on the ground several meters away, screaming with every body language cue in the book that he was pissed off and impatient.
‘Was waiting on you, old man,’ they walked toward Roeg. He heard Jean stand up behind him. Levi glanced at Jean Kirstein over his shoulder. The boy was standing now, but he looked an awful lot like a baby deer—lost and wobbly. He’d led the charge on the headquarters? The boy was staring at his shoes and was gripping his left arm with his right hand, squeezing it in pulses.
‘Kid needs some sleep,’ Levi said.
‘We all do,’ said Erwin, ‘we’ll get some soon enough. We’ll see Eren is in the holding cell, make sure Zachary has the key. Then you can rendezvous with your squad here, or the nearest headquarters.’
‘What one will that be?’
‘There’s a military base just outside the gate leading into Rose. About forty-minute ride from Nisa.’
‘How far is Nisa from here?’
Erwin scratched his cheek, eyes looked up as he calculated, ‘nearly two hours?’
‘Two hours?’ Levi huffed, ‘fucking hell, might as well sleep on the courtroom floor.’
Erwin smiled apologetically, Levi knew he meant it, ‘ho hum,’ Erwin said, ‘it’ll be over soon.’
‘You’re such an old fart.’
‘What did you call me?’
‘An old fart.’
Erwin shoved him with his elbow, ‘don’t say that in front of the recruits.’
‘Why? Afraid they won’t think you’re a badass? Afraid they’ll know you’re an old fart?’
Erwin rolled his eyes and smiled a little. Roeg looked like he was about to start kicking and biting with how slowly he and Erwin were walking toward him. Levi basked in it and asked, ‘why’d you choose that Kirstein kid for your interrogation?’
‘Overheard some cadets talking about him.’
‘Did he really lead a charge?’
‘Yes,’ Erwin frowned, ‘sounds like many of his friends died in his charge.’
‘Shit,’ Levi looked back at the boy, but he was not there, instead he was gathered at one of the Garrison’s freshly set up tabled, ‘where will they sleep? The recruits?’
‘Pixis wants them all on clean-up.’
‘What? Through the night?’
‘We need to avoid an epidemic, Levi.’
‘Yes, but-’
‘Pixis won’t budge on this.’
Levi went quiet, Roeg glared at them as they approached, ‘took your sweet and merry time, gentlemen.’
They didn’t say anything, both of them standing and staring at Roeg. Roeg shifted from one foot to the other and looked a bit like a frog, ‘right, well, here’s two horses. Don’t get lost,’ then Roeg hopped into a carriage which likely had a chained up Eren Yaeger in it and set off.
‘Why did you ask me what do I see?’ Levi asked as they rode through the destroyed streets of Trost, he avoided looking at the corpses by staring straight at the carriage in front of them. The blinds were down in the carriage, he sneered.
‘Curious,’ Erwin hummed.
‘But why ask like that?’
Erwin shrugged, and Levi tutted, then, ‘and what did you mean you suspected?’ Erwin was quiet, and Levi turned to look at him. He was licking his teeth again, and they rode into a dark spot between streetlamps. He got a feeling for a moment that in this darkness Erwin had let his guard down, he thought of how many civilians say Erwin must be some monster, and he tried to see Erwin’s expression in the dark. But then light was cutting over Erwin’s face once more, and he was still licking his teeth—back and forth, back and forth.
‘You look like a lizard when you do that,’ Levi said.
Erwin flicked his eyes to him, stopped licking his teeth, and grinned. He was handsome when he grinned. His face went boyish and charming, the tiredness wiped away. Levi looked away, he wondered how his face looked in the lamps. If it was as kind to him as it was to Erwin. He assumed not, and buried his nose into his cloak, ‘answer my question, prick,’ he said into his cloak, then looked over at Erwin again.
Erwin was still grinning, and he tapped the side of his nose, teasingly.
‘Bastard,’ Levi said, and Erwin laughed. They rode on in silence.
Roald’s face came into his mind. He thought of Roald’s body lying cold and alone on an empty street in Maria. He wondered if they’d ever go back and get him. Maybe by the time they did he’d be only bones, wrapped in a green cloak. He pulled his tighter around himself, bracing against the night.
Then he forced himself to feel glad he could feel the cold at all.
Roald wouldn’t be bothered by it, he wouldn’t be bothered by anything again. Roald would never know about the titan-boy/boy-titan Eren Yaeger. He squeezed the reign on the horse. Roald Bauer had died in the old world, Levi thought, the world before this revelation. Levi would have liked to canter, hear the horse panting and its hooves slamming the ground. The empty streets were too quiet, and it made him restless.
He felt clammy now, his sweat cooling in the night. It made him feel like he’d just broken a fever.
He thought of Jean Kirstein, collapsed on the ground. He thought about the fact his long, slim face would be wrapped in a rag by now—that he’d be having to traipse through Trost gathering body parts and corpses; he’d probably have to chuck his friends that he led into battle onto a wagon. Have to hold their cold, stiff bodies, stripping them of their gear.
He hoped the boys amber eyes wouldn’t go dull.
—
Eren Yaeger’s cell was pretty damn cushy. His bed looked better than the camping cots Levi had been lying in at night the last few days.
He felt thoroughly filthy, leaning on the cold stone. His feet ached from being on them so long, his thighs burning from using ODM nonstop. He rolled his shoulder absentmindedly.
‘How long are we gonna watch the kid sleep?’ He said to Erwin and kicked the leg of the chair the man was sitting on.
At that moment, there was a loud gasp from the bed in the cell, and Eren Yaeger sat bolt upright, dripping with sweat, ‘wow,’ Levi drawled, ‘he lives.’
‘Eren?’ Erwin called, ‘how are you, Eren?’
“Wha…’ Eren said, blearily, ‘where am I?’
‘Basement of Nisa Main Court,’ Erwin replied, ‘Just outside the gate of Trost, within Wall Rose.’
Eren nodded, then stopped, ‘Nisa…court?’
‘Yes, you’re here to go on trial.’
‘Trial…?’
‘What do you remember, Eren?’ Erwin asked, leaning forward and steepling his fingers. Levi looked at the top of his head.
‘I- I don’t…’ Eren began, then a rush of memories must have hit him, because he covered his mouth with his hand and squeezed his eyes shut.
‘This key,’ Erwin said, making Eren open his eyes and focus on the key in Erwin’s hand, he was distracting him, Levi realised, ‘what is it for?’
‘My- my basement, sir. My father’s basement.’
‘Do you know what is in the basement, Eren?’
‘No, sir. My dad was going to tell me the day… the day Maria fell but…’
‘I see,’ Erwin said and tossed the key in the air, catching it as it landed in his palm, ‘I will argue my case in court tomorrow for why you should be assigned to the Scouting Legion as a soldier. If that happens, Eren, would you be willing to fight as a regular soldier? You will get no special treatment, even with your abilities.’
Eren’s head had slowly lowered as Erwin spoke, he was quiet. Erwin prompted him, ‘Eren?’
Then Eren’s head shot up, his teeth bared and a brutal look in his big, green eyes. Levi stood up straighter, and Eren snarled, ‘yes, sir. I want to kill them. I want to kill them all, every titan. I want them dead.’
‘Huh,’ Levi said into the silence of the basement, ‘interesting.’
—
They rode back from Nisa to Trost in silence. Levi was tired, he was really fucking tired. That bone deep tired where you start to feel nauseous and your ears constantly ring. His ass hurt from being on the horse, his thighs still burned, his feet ached, his lower back had started to ache too which was just the cherry on top.
He shifted in his seat, ‘why ask about the basement?’
‘Hm?’ Erwin said, miles away clearly. Levi reached his leg over and kicked Erwin’s thigh, ‘the basement, why ask about it?’
‘Oh,’ Erwin yawned then continued, ‘well, whatever ability Eren Yaeger has, it didn’t just appear out of nowhere—even if it seems that way to him. It’s interesting that his father hid something from him within his own house all his life, waiting until Eren was a certain age to show him,’ Erwin scratched his cheek again and yawned once more, ‘good place to start, to find out where he got this ability.’
‘What if we go and it’s like…some weird dungeon?’
‘Pardon?’
‘Y’know, we go, and his dad was just some freaky guy.’
Erwin threw his head back and laughed, Levi felt a warm feeling in his stomach at the noise. The Garrison at the gate to Trost were alerted by Erwin’s laugh and they waved them through. Back in Trost, the smell of death was violent and visceral.
Both he and Erwin covered their mouth and nose with their cloak, but even then, the stench bled through. Rotting animals smell nothing like rotting people, and Levi would never get used to it.
They passed some undertakers lurking in the shadows, scribbling in a scratchy way on a clipboard, looming over someone dead.
‘Fuck,’ Levi whispered, ‘fucking creepy.’ Erwin grunted in agreement.
The moon was high now, it was beyond the middle of the night. But the gate of Trost to Maria was bustling. Garrison scuttled all over the place, some Scouts darting between them.
‘Captain!’ Gunther called, they were sitting on the ground with some of Hanji and Mike’s squads, Gunther stood and jogged to Levi, ‘we waited for you. We’ve got bunks at the Garrison quarters sorted.’
Levi nodded, then looked at Erwin, who said, ‘yes, turn in for tonight. The trial is at noon tomorrow, Levi. I’ll need you there,’ he turned to Gunther, ‘have you seen Mike and Hanji?’
Gunther nodded and pointed at the two who were standing with a group of Garrison, looking at some papers. Erwin thanked Gunther and dismounted his horse, walking toward Mike and Hanji.
‘Let’s go,’ Levi said. Gunther nodded, and jerked his head at Oluo, Petra and Eld to get a move on.
While they mounted their horses, he gazed round the square. He didn’t know who he was looking for until he saw him—Jean Kirstein had white gloves on up to his elbows and a rag over his face. Levi swallowed.
‘Captain Levi,’ Petra said, approaching him quietly, ‘about what I said outside, in Maria, about rank? I-’
‘It’s fine,’ Levi said still staring at Jean Kirstein’s slender figure, ‘just don’t say it loud enough for Erwin to hear.’
‘No, sir, it was bang out of order,’ Petra was closer to him now, and he glanced at her big eyes, she was flushed with shame, ‘I ought to be punished.’
‘Kinky,’ Oluo called, and Petra shot him a vicious glare, Oluo choked on his spit in shock and snapped his head away, coughing hard. Gunther smacked his back for him.
‘Fine. You’re on potato peeling duty all week,’ Levi said, looking back at Jean Kirstein. He was so slim. God, he was walking out the square with an undertaker. God, he was going to one of the streets.
‘Thank you, Captain,’ Petra said, ‘is that…severe enough for insubordination?’
‘It wasn’t “insubordination,” Petra, it was a panic attack. I’m not punishing you for freaking the fuck out when you hear your dad was in danger,’ Jean Kirstein was standing still, the undertaker pointing at the street they’d approached, ‘potato peeling is what I’ve ordered. If you argue about punishment, that is insubordination.’
‘Yes, sir,’ Petra mumbled.
‘Captain,’ Eld said through a yawn, ‘ready?’
Levi nodded, and turned his horse. He kept his eyes on Jean Kirstein as long as he could. He didn’t know why.
—
‘Sorry about the tooth,’ he said as he flopped next to Eren.
‘N- not at all, sir,’ Eren said, leaning away from Levi, ‘I get why you had to do it.’
‘Let me see your mouth, Eren,’ Hanji said, crouching in front of him.
‘The whole point of us having Eren is that we won’t experiment on him, you freak,’ Levi drawled, but Eren had his mouth wide open.
‘It’s grown back,’ Hanji whispered, then whipped her head to Mike, ‘it’s fucking grown back! Haha!’ She stood up and started pacing, muttering under her breath, grinning all the while. Eren curled even further into himself.
‘Ignore her,’ Levi said.
Mike walked over and sniffed Eren deeply, then grunted.
‘Ignore him, too,’ Levi added.
Erwin entered the room, and everyone stopped to look at him, ‘well, Eren. Welcome to the Scouting Legion.’
‘Thank you, sir,’ Eren relaxed a little under Erwin’s gaze. Anyone would.
‘Your graduating class’s enlistment is happening tonight, you can attend and watch from the wings, but you cannot participate I’m afraid.’
‘I’d very much like to watch, sir. Very much.’
‘Better get a move on then,’ Levi said, looking out the window. The trial had taken hours, followed by Erwin doing an inhuman amount of bureaucracy while Eren got unchained and sent up to this room to wait with Levi, Hanji, and Mike, ‘by the time we get back they’ll be getting everything set up.’
‘Think you can ride a horse, Eren?’ Mike rumbled, making Eren jump then frantically nod.
‘Are you sure? Just got the snot beaten out of you,’ Hanji said, stopping her pacing. Eren stood up awkwardly and stretched a little, ‘no, I’m fine.’
‘Wow,’ Hanji clapped her hands, ‘wow, wow, wow.’
‘God, the look in your eyes is fuckin’ unsettling,’ Levi said, and shuddered a little. He was glad that Hanji was a soldier, left roaming free as a citizen she’d probably be a serial killer or one of those dentists that look weirdly happy as they yank out your tooth, offering to cut off your leg while you howled over pliers tickling your tonsils.
Erwin led them out Nisa Court, and Grand General Zachary was standing outside, smoking a cigar. He glanced at them, ‘enjoy being a Scout, Eren,’ Zachary said, a plume of smoke escaping, ‘they’re the damn creepiest bastards you’ll ever encounter.’
‘Says you,’ Levi retorted over Hanji’s incessant muttering and giggling to herself, and Mike’s sneezing—sensitive nose bothered by the stench of cigar smoke, ‘you probably get up to weird things behind closed doors, Grand General.’
‘Levi,’ Erwin scolded, but Zachary bellowed out a laugh. Then walked off. So fucking weird, Levi didn’t know what Zachary’s deal was, but it was fucking bizarre.
Eren was twitching next to him, sandwiched between him and Mike. Mike was still sneezing, and, behind Eren, Hanji had started muttering about titans having genitals and that they just absorbed into their bodies when it wasn’t mating season.
They approached their horses and saddled up. The ride from Nisa to a region of military bases just outside Trost stretched ahead. Levi dreaded it. He’d barely slept that night, Roald’s begging face coming into his mind when he closed his eyes. He’d stayed lying down as long as he could manage, somewhat soothed by Eld’s snoring and Oluo’s wittering in his sleep. But as soon as he saw the crack of dawn, he got dressed in his filthy clothes, wincing at the still damp armpits and went to find a spot outside to shadow box. Usually he’d jog in the mornings, but the uniform was no good for that.
And maybe he’d punched some trees while he was out that morning. What can you expect—he’s only a man.
Eren was quiet the whole journey, laughing weakly when Hanji tried to involve him in either some banter or her interrogation about titans. It wasn’t a denial of truth, Eren’s silence, it was just some kid trying to deal with seeing his friends die.
‘Think we’ll get many sign ups?’ Mike asked Erwin.
‘Depends,’ Erwin replied, ‘either the recruits will have realised they have the capacity to fight back, and the capacity to continue to fight back while their comrades die, or they will have decided they can never face it again. Its fifty-fifty what way it’ll go.’
Mike grunted, then said ‘first shift of clean-up should be done by now.’
‘What? They’ve been going all night and all of today?’ Levi asked, and thought again of Jean’s baby deer legs wobbling precariously and his dread filled face as Erwin told Levi about his leadership.
‘Yeah,’ Mike sighed and scratched his nose, ‘sooner the bodies are gone, the better. Can’t have a plague goin’’
‘The kids’ll be exhausted though,’ Hanji said.
Mike just shrugged, ‘they’ll sleep when the jobs done.’
‘Geez, Mike,’ Hanji said, cracking her neck, ‘have some sympathy.’
‘I do, but I also don’t want to see more deaths because some kids were tired and couldn’t be fucked to do their duty.’
Hanji and Levi shared a glance, Mike’s father had died because of the plague which had spread following Maria. They didn’t push the matter.
It was getting dark as they approached the cluster of military buildings, ‘there’s an old Scouting headquarters down that road,’ Erwin said, pointing at a dirt path, ‘Levi, I’ll send your squad in to clean it up for us tomorrow.’
‘We’re the special ops squad, Erwin, not your cleaners,’ Levi tutted.
‘Ah,’ Erwin said, turning to Levi over his shoulder, smiling a little, ‘but you do it so well.’
Levi burrowed into his cloak. Fuck, Erwin was handsome. Then the smell of burning bodies hit him, he heard Mike choke and cough and go, ‘oh, fuck,’ as the smell hit him.
‘What is that?’ Eren said in a high panicking voice, ‘what’s that smell?’
‘Bodies, Eren,’ Levi said, his low voice going even lower, ‘burning bodies.’
‘What?’ Eren gasped, then spat out, ‘you’re not burying them? They died soldiers deaths and you’re not burying them?’
‘No time,’ Mike said sternly, clearing his throat, ‘too many dead, including civilians.’
‘That’s…’ Eren gagged as the wind carried over the smell, ‘that’s fucking cruel.’
‘Language,’ Levi said, but there was no weight to it. Eren was silent as they approached, Levi shot a glance back and the boy was green round the mouth.
‘Go puke, Eren,’ he sighed, ‘get it out your system.’
Eren nodded, turned his horse probably hoping for privacy but it spewed out his mouth before he could help it, Levi turned his head away quickly, grimacing. Hanji trotted beside Eren, ‘does your barf evaporate too?’ Eren burped and spat out more bile.
‘Gross,’ Levi said.
‘I’m going to find Commander Pixis,’ Erwin said, ‘need to set up the enlistment ceremony. Eren!’ he called to the boy who was leaning his body on his horses neck, looking a little less green but a lot more grey, ‘come with me, son, let’s get you some water.’
Eren relaxed at Erwin’s kind words. Erwin had that effect. He was good at making people react to him any way he intended. It was creepy.
Levi dismounted his horse and went to find his squad. He passed the square in the centre of all the military buildings and saw the two roaring bonfires. He paused, tightening his hold of the horse’s reign.
He always bore witness to the dead. He never looked away.
After a few minutes a tall, slim figure stepped into his line of sight. He was curled into himself, gripping his right arm with his left, and looking like he was an inch from a breakdown.
‘I- I know what I’m joining,’ Jean Kirstein said, Levi was just close enough to hear it, and to hear the utter remorse in his voice, ‘I- I’m joining- I’m joining the Scouts,’ he hiccupped out. Levi closed his eyes.
He was used to seeing cadets sign up to the Scouts burning with determination. With a bestial fire roaring through them. He’s seen it with all his squad. Their eyes shone with pride as they stated their intended place. They slammed their fists onto their chest, adamant to die for their cause.
Their first expeditions would sober them up, but the determination didn’t die.
But Jean Kirstein looked like he wanted to run away. He wanted to run home, to his warm bed. Jean Kirstein looked dead on his feet, his face grey and deep purple circles sunk his eyes into his pale, gaunt face.
His fist which he was grabbing was shaking, hard. In it, Levi realised, Jean Kirstein was grasping his sense of duty.
The boy had realised what Levi had in the rain, those years ago: that no matter where you ran, no matter how you looked away or closed your eyes, there were just some people who could not block out the noise of the world shrieking around them; and those people were forced to stare the irate world in the eyes, gripping their duty with a shaking fist and bared teeth and remorseful eyes.
Jean Kirstein was not looking away.
Jean Kirstein happened to glance in Levi’s direction, and Levi made eye contact with him once more. The boy was silhouetted by the fire blazing behind him, sparks shooting off around his figure—it looked like they were coming from the boy himself.
But yet, Levi could see Jean’s eyes; beneath the horror and terror and guilt, Jean Kirstein’s amber eyes were coruscating with his absolute allegiance to humanity.