Archive of Our Own

“Look at him” Remus very much does not need to look at him. He’s fairly sure nothing has changed in the last 5 minutes in which Sirius has been shaking him to get his attention. All in all, not the worst thing he could be doing in the class. But Remus still doesn’t much appreciate it, seeing as Sirius is a decent potion maker if he deigns to actually try. Which he is not doing at the moment. As it were, in the 7 years Remus has been in Sirius’ company, schoolwork has always been at the very bottom when it comes to his priorities. 

Even so, what currently has grasped his attention, isn’t usually very high on that list either. Remus might be sweating a little from the stress. 

“It’s simply ridiculous” he exclaims, none too quietly, causing a girl from the year below to throw them a dirty look. She promptly blushes and turns away when Remus throws her an apologetic smile, so no harm done. 

Remus turns back at Sirius with an annoyed look when he stops his stirring before he reaches the necessary twenty, “It is. Annoying, really” 

“Right so.” Sirius abandons the potion all together in favour of doing exactly what he has been doing since the class started. He stares with a perplexed expression on his face, like all the facts are right in front of him, leading to the very same answer. As for what that answer is, Remus trusts he’ll get there eventually. Really. He has faith in him, he does. Sooner or later, he’ll understand. He just hopes his poor grades won’t suffer an unsalvageable dent by the time that happens. 

“Padfoot” Peter attempts, far more patient than Remus himself. Although Remus knows him all too well to think that’s due to anything else but the sick enjoyment he gets out of this “It’s just Prongs and your brother” Peter says innocently, the bastard. Remus is over there sweating bullets while he is having the time of his life. If the two of them stopped being so damn obvious. 

James can’t be bothered with the eyes burning at the back of his head. It’s a little odd, seeing as it’s not something he’s used to getting from his friends. He’s far more accustomed to it from the boy to his left. But just over a week ago, Regulus Black had picked up a rather disturbing habit. One James came to find out that he didn’t appreciate one bit. 

"Potter" Regulus snaps at him through gritted teeth. James immediately perks up. There it is, finally finally–

"If you could stop throwing paper balls right at my face, I would appreciate it" he says and James could almost groan from the frustration. Regulus doesn't even lift his eyes from the cauldron. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He hisses in a low whisper which doesn't get the professor's attention, but doesn't help much with the rest of the students surrounding them. Not that they care about it. They're pretty used to their fighting by this point. 

Regulus drops both his palms on the table like he’s calling on all of the patience the world has to offer. Which is an unsettling thought on its own. Not only Regulus Black is an impatient person by nature, but he also never cares to pretend he’s anything else. Usually, that is.  “Is my listening to the lecture somehow offensive to you? Really, Potter, you could use with paying attention once in a while” 

“There’s the rude little Black we know and love” 

“Less of the love bit, thank you very much” Sirius yells at them leaning across his and Remus’ workstation, knocking down a few ingredients on the way. James is very certain he sees Remus facepalm from behind him. 

Regulus’ ears go bright red “I’ll fucking show you little–” but he cuts himself midway and takes a steadying breath and closes his eyes, not unlike Remus when he’s particularly exasperated with the rest of them “Keep your mouth shut, Potter. I’m saying this as nicely as I can” 

“Yeah” James agrees “It’s strange. Stop it, would you?” 

Regulus throws him an incredulous look, and this is how Remus knows they’re about two seconds away from, literally, going for each other’s throats. It’s a pattern they’re all very used to by now. James never shies away from starting things up to the point where Remus would say that he’s the one initiating most of their contact. Not that Regulus holds back in any way. But while James will be the taunting force behind their explosive encounters, he is never the one to drive it to a point. He’s usually the one to exclaim the last biting insult before wands are drawn. Even though Regulus has always been the one person to drive James up the wall like no other, he’s very short tempered when it comes to James’ remarks. 

They’ve reached the middle of the year, which means that Regulus has lost anything resembling any capacity for patience by now and is always with one hand on his wand when James happens to be too close for comfort. 

So when James blows a strand of hair out of his face, visibly annoyed at being ignored he reaches forward for Regulus. Remus expects Regulus to jump back immediately and send a flying hex towards James. But, perhaps too surprised at what James is doing, he loses his balance and falls towards him, now fully into his work space. 

“What do you think–?”

The way they naturally draw each other’s attention prevents them from catching the potion that is rapidly boiling over the cauldron. By the time they finally take note of the steam rapidly rising towards them, it’s too late to do anything. As the potion explodes with a decisive thrash and covers the both of them in a purple mixture, Remus is a little surprised that, in this case, neither of them were really at fault. 

“Mister Potter! Mister Black!” Comes the spluttering voice of Slughorn, who has angry splotches of red on his cheeks. 

As far as anyone else believing them, well, that’s another matter altogether. 

James knows it's going to be bad from the way McGonagall is already rubbing at her temples by the time they make it to her office. 

James points his finger towards Regulus "He tampered with my potion"

Regulus gasps and shows his ruined clothes "The potion that ended up all over me?" 

"You did that on purpose,I know you" 

"Maybe your potion was wrong to begin with–" 

"Oh you would love that, wouldn't you? You insufferable-" 

Minnie's voice makes them both stop short,"Should I remind you both that It makes for bad manners to argue in front of your professor. If you're going to have a duel at least have the common sense not to do in the middle of a lesson" Minnie cuts them a glare "and If you're set on shouting at each other at every opportunity, I would suggest to not do it where I can hear you"  

"Sorry Professor" James says and Regulus nods in agreement, though neither one of them seems ready to address the other. 

"This has gone on for far too long. Seeing as the both of you are excellent students- not to mention one of you is a Head Boy-" she looks at James pointedly who only offers a sheepish smile "We had hoped that you would have put the childish squabbling aside– but the situation only seems to have gotten worse. So, to absolutely no one's joy, I'm forced to inquire after this animosity that the both of you seem to participate in" 

James wonders if they look quite as guilty as he feels. He sneaks a look at Regulus, who despite his usual haughtiness and pride, now looks like a chided child. James finds himself here every other week, but Regulus is usually the picture perfect student. Which really only means that If he is doing something untoward, he's definitely not getting caught.

"What -to put it plainly- caused this hostility between the pair of you?" 

James bites his lip. That would - should - be an accurate description. It still makes him a little antsy to think about. 

"Mister Black?" James imagines what Regulus could potentially answer, if he was so inclined to be honest about everything. Everything everything.

But then again, he’s not really aware of everything is he?

He refused my help last year. I had only wanted to talk to him, seeing as he's my brother's best mate, and he rejected me cruelly. Turned me away and continued to torment me for months to come Regulus would say, far more innocent looking than he is, so you see Professor, this isn't my fault at all. Potter should be punished. Not to mention have his head checked. 

James' own version would've gone a little bit differently, but he's not about to admit to that to Minnie. He thinks he'll hex Regulus all over again if he has to be reminded of that . 

What comes out of Regulus' mouth instead is - in some ways - even more stupid "He's simply obsessed with me"

“What the fuck?”James yells before he can stop himself “I’m the one who’s obsessed?! You really have some nerve! If anything you’re–” 

“Language” Minnie chides, though her tone is more tired than reprimanding. 

Minnie sighs, "If neither one of you are going to talk, then I might as well," she says, placing her hands on the desk, looking down at both of them. "There have been several complaints about your fights in Professor Slughorn's lessons. Teachers are complaining that you’re getting into rows in the middle of the corridor. Students are complaining that you throw things and hexes at each other every morning in the big hall, and then every evening for dinner. The ghosts seem to change direction as soon as they come across you–"

“Come now,” James laughs a bit awkwardly, because surely, it can’t be that bad? Regulus and James have done nothing to hide their antagonism, but this is just a little over the top even for them– 

"Most interestingly, most of the complaints are from the other mister Black." Minnie says with a deadpan expression.

"Prick" James tries to smother a laugh under his breath. He can’t have Regulus  strolling around these halls thinking that he was funny. Absolutely not.

Minnie frowns "Professor Slughorn has come to me with a particular project in mind. A project, he seems to think might fit the two of you to a tee" 

Regulus leans forward, betraying more panic than James thinks necessary. And yet the quickened pulsing of his own heart against his eardrum and over the side of his throat makes him swallow harshly "As in– a project we will be completing together?" 

Minnie only nods, and if anyone else would've taken satisfaction from their visible surprise, James knows Minnie simply wants order to be restored "I have no reason to doubt him. It will count, of course,  for your final," she pointedly ignores their twin groans and opens the drawer from the left side of the desk, settling two identical pieces of paper in front of them "You can either both pass, or both fail -and allow me to make something crystal clear– I'm absolutely fine with either one of those outcomes.

As Regulus' eyes skim the page, so does his shoulders progressively drop in -James could only assume- relief. 

"This is an easy potion. We got taught this in second year" he points out, and James refrains from commenting on whether he truly believes Minnie will let them off the hook so easily. But on the off chance Regulus is right, he doesn’t wanna challenge her. 

She doesn’t raise her eyes from the book in front of her as the door of the office opens with a flick of her wand. James runs out before she changes her mind and decides that she is in a mood for a scolding after all. 

James creates bad habits like no one’s business. He really does. And that’s not even the problem, really. The problem comes later, much later. After the habit is so inserted into his life and skin and the way he sees life that he can’t imagine ever doing things a different way. But when that inevitable moment comes, when one realises that it should be stopped because it’s doing more harm than good anyway. Yeah, that . James is quite horrible at that part. Because it's not something James is used to doing. Abandoning things. Abandoning people. Even if it would potentially make his life better for it. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” James looks up from the books he wasn’t reading, putting on an annoyed front at Regulus’ interruption, like he wasn’t counting on it.

“That is my spot” Regulus seethes, and it’s amazing how someone can go from relaxed to sprung tight so quickly. Sometimes James thinks he’ll never tire of it. In his humble opinion, making Regulus Black’s life inconvenient in small ways is the highlight of his days more often than not. It sends a rush through him that only Quidditch and playing pranks has ever been able to match. It is rather unfortunate for Regulus who doesn't seem to enjoy it nearly as much, but James isn’t here to ask for his opinion.

No, James would much rather know what possessed Regulus to suddenly obtain manners and act like a decent human being towards him. He’s rather annoyed by it. They had established a perfectly effective routine. 

“Is it? I hadn’t noticed” he lies, because he knows it’ll egg Regulus more. And indeed he almost flails with it, his hands restlessly moving around like he’s very much considering using them to strangle the life out of James. 

“You’re purposely being annoying outside of class now?” 

“I wouldn’t have to if you weren’t being amiable inside of it. Can’t let you get too comfortable, now can I?”  

“Who’s the one with the obsession, again?” 

“Still you, but we don’t have to talk about it if it’ll embarrass you” James says and turns his eyes back to his page, moving them every so often so that Regulus won’t be able to tell he’s too busy staring at him to absorb any information. He hasn’t moved, not that James was expecting him to. He does know that Regulus prefers this spot in all of Hogward’s libraries, despite being closer to the Gryffindor tower and as such, mostly where they did their homework. He has a slight suspicion that it started back in fourth year with wanting to spend more time with Sirius without having to outright ask him. James hadn’t failed to notice how Sirius too started frequenting there more often so as to keep Moony company, of course even though he had never before. But Regulus never broke out of the habit of it, now a permanent member of Remus’ and Lily’s study dates. 

James has come here before, though he’s loath to admit it to anyone. He doesn’t know why the idea makes him nauseous, but it would feel like offering a secret. The truth is that he had never had the heart to take it from Regulus before. At first because he had been worried that if he teased him too much, he’d just up and leave never to be seen again, but then because he knew that very few places were as comforting for him. And he hadn’t wanted to ruin that. Even if their only conversation was in the form of biting quips relentlessly thrown at the other. 

But even so. It was t heir fucking thing, goddamnit. And Regulus had to go and ruin it. So James was going to ruin this for him. 

He didn’t account for one thing though. For as much as he knows how to push Regulus’ buttons, Regulus knows how to violently smash them to bits with a hammer. 

“What are you doing ?” James gasps as he slightly pulls back so his shoulder is flat against the cold window. Regulus is… well the word for it would be hovering, he supposes. But James’ mind seems to run circles around a very particular action which Regulus seems to be doing, but not really, because they’d have to be touching for that. But, well, he’s almost straddling him. Hisis knees bracketing his thighs, and he’s looking down at him like he’s extremely disappointed. 

James blushes. He knows this. He can feel the hotness of his cheeks and neck underneath his skin. Thankfully, his complexion means that Regulus does not have to be let in on this. Now, If he can only play it cool. 

“Black– what in the, have you lost your mind?” He stammers, the coolness immediately flying out of the window “I knew you had a fucking crush on me” 

Regulus’ eyes narrow “You fucking wish, Potter” 

“You’re the one– you’re– “

“What? What am I doing? I’m simply staying here, not touching you. You can push me off if you want to, but really I’m not touching you at all, so I don’t see why you’re so angry” 

“Oh don’t you? Regulus-” James hisses and does not touch Regulus, he will not “Stop it you little brat” 

“Push me off” Regulus challenges like he knows somehow that James is getting flustered at the very idea of simply putting his hands on him just to- push him off, really. Would he touch his waist or his shoulders? Maybe grasp his arms. Regulus has a self satisfied air about him that James considers just pushing his face away until he’ll have nowhere to go but to the ground. Briefly imagines it. Considers it. And then Sirius walks in the library before he has the chance to do anything. 

Sirius freezes in his tracks “What the fuck are the two of you doing?” 

James doesn’t take his eyes from Regulus’ smug expression “Fighting” 

“Are you certain?” Peter asks with a laugh, earning a push from Sirius. 

“No- not today. Fuck this, fuck this” Sirius mumbles to himself as he turns around and makes his way out of the library but James doesn’t miss his last few fumbling insults “Fucking lunatics ” 

“What’s up with him?” Regulus wonders and turns his head to stare after his brother. Unfortunately the movement makes his thigh graze James' ever so slightly, effectively making him spasm uncontrollably. His movement causes Regulus to lose his balance and he falls to his side “Whoa, James–” 

But James is already on his feet, walking away with quick steps that betray all of his feelings at the moment. Regulus is no doubt rejoicing at his victory, but James has trouble thinking past the way Regulus said his name.

And that’s a dangerous thought. 

As he leaves the library, he notices how Sirius has now a contemplating look on his face, as he stares at him and then behind, at Regulus, but James doesn't stay long enough to find out the meaning of it.

“Stupid thing won’t open!” 

“ This will be so easy” James mocks as Regulus silently seethes. With the exception of Remus who was still fighting tooth and nail to perfect his potion, he and Regulus were the only two people left in the classroom, looking down at the stupid plant for what must’ve been half an hour by now. 

“The potion is easy” Regulus insists, just like he has been for the past half an hour “It’s just a little remedy for hair growth. We learned that in second year. I wasn’t expecting we’ll have to grow the plants ourselves!” His face is on fire and he is breathing hard, obviously still very bad at controlling his emotions. James loves to see it and more often than not, it was his personal mission to draw that exasperation out, the only flicker of emotion Regulus Black hasn’t been able to hide from him. But it has been a long day, and he just wants to hang out with his mates until it is time for dinner. And Regulus’ attitude certainly isn’t helping. 

The small flower bud that is closest to Regulus cowers in on itself and uses its leaves to cover its petals, like it’s scared they might pluck them out. If Regulus goes on like this, it will be completely submerged inside the soil, and they will have to start anew again. 

“You’re scaring it” James complains and throws his hands up in resignation “Would it kill you to stop being a prick for half a second? We just need one thorn– just one!” 

Regulus raised a perfect eyebrow at him and looked pointedly at the bud on James’ side. Its leaves were brown and more mature - something to do with James better handling his emotions, Slughorn had told them. It was also an utter asshole. While Regulus’ flower seemed more sensitive to his emotions and negativity, it was also more complacent and bloomed under Regulus’ attention, turning its whole body towards him and fluttering its petals at him. James had found it slightly disturbing. Regulus on the other hand had been entranced. For all of 2 minutes. When he tried to gently take one of its thorns away, Slughorn had laughed, a little too smug “Mister Black,” he tutted with a smacking of his teeth “You didn’t think it would be so easy did you?” 

Regulus had thrown him a murderous look - he could get away with that - instead of expressing exactly what James knows he thinks of him - which he couldn’t get away with. 

Slughorn gently patted its leaves “It’s still considered a baby, a child. Any sudden and intense show of emotion overwhelms it and it will have the need to hide away. You will have to raise it and show it care and love, mister Black” James contained himself from laughing too loudly. He did a piss poor job at it if Slughorn’s disapproving look was anything to go by “ As for you Mister Potter–” He had stopped when he spotted the flower by James side, with its leaves pointing directly away from James, visibly ignoring him “Ah, I see” he said, the amusement back in his voice. 

“It won’t even give me the time of the day” James complained and Regulus hid a smile behind his hand, successfully avoiding Slughorn’s reprimand “How am I supposed to bond with the thing if it won’t even listen to me?” 

“Well, then I suppose that’s your assignment Mister Potter” the professor had shrugged and James realized that he had completely lost interest in the whole ordeal by then and wouldn’t prove much help anymore “The older ones are tricky, all right. Won’t offer up their leaves if they don’t trust you. So make it trust you” 

 Slughorn clapped his hands “Well then, best of luck to both of you, lads. Don’t blow anything up-” he stopped suddenly like he just realized something “Oh, Mister Lupin. You’re here as well? Trying to get a few more hours in, aren’t you. Extremely good practice–” but he trailed off as Remus raised his head and threw him a deadpan look, visible bags under his eyes and a slump to his shoulders. Slughorn had coughed and waved his hand in a flourish “Right– carry on then” 

So that’s how they got here. And there was still no progress. Regulus’ flower was still hiding like Regulus had pulled a knife on it, while James’ flower was pointly looked away everytime James reached around it to touch it. 

And Remus had graduated to slamming his potions book against the table, cursing profanities at it. 

45 minutes later Regulus and James still haven’t made any progress on their project. Instead, they were looking at Remus. 

"Do you think we should help him?" James looks back at the far corner of the class, usually where students go when they don't want to be disturbed while doing their potions. Remus is stirring with one hand while furiously scribbling with his other, muttering to himself nonsensically. 

This must be his 6th or… 7th go at the potion? James has honestly lost count. He waves a hand dismissively "He'll be fine" 

Remus starts repeatedly bashing the sprouts he should be squeezing the juice out of with the back of his knife, making the whole table tremble "Stupid– fucking– idiotic pesky little–" 

"He's got it handled" James insists, spreading the necessary ingredients on their table.

A growling sound and the knife has landed on the other side of the room, "I hope you die" 

Regulus sighs, but doesn't bother -for once- contradicting him.

A few more days pass in a similar  manner. It gets to the point where Regulus and James start bringing their other homework to work on as their respective flowers respectively continue to ignore them completely.

Then, one day, as James rubs at his eyes for the fourth time, refusing to admit to himself that his eyes are not, in fact, stinging because of Regulus' toxic presence, but rather from exertion, Regulus turns to him.

It's weird how Regulus brings out this side of him. He thinks that if it was anyone else in this situation with him, he would be, if not outright friendly, then at least compromising. But Regulus has always had this effect on him. 

It's the unpredictability of him that always keeps James on his toes. So, maybe James has control issues. A tad. And he never did enjoy how Regulus could always catch him by surprise. 

Just like at the moment–

"Have you slept?" 

James must've misheard "Excuse me?" Because, surely, Regulus Black cannot be asking after his sleeping habits, which are atrocious anyway and James would not admit to the extent of the problem if he was being held at wand point. His mother would probably kill him and never allow him to step foot outside of the house if she knew. 

Most people don't know, except for Remus who does the same thing. It had been a silent agreement between them that they would absolutely never mention it to Sirius or Peter. 

It's not hard for James to stay awake. Usually when he has something to occupy his mind and body, he has a laser focused mindset and is able to shove away all feelings of tiredness. But, here, right now where Regulus and he have failed yet another day to make the little buds interact with each other, let alone with them, he feels it all catching up to him, making his eyes droopy and his head lull slightly. 

Honestly, he's a little surprised that Regulus looked at him enough to notice. And a little annoyed, because how can he possibly relax again when he knows he has Regulus' attention on him? 

"You look tired" Regulus says, and he probably doesn't mean it in a rude kind of way, either. Despite how it comes out. 

"I had practice, and then Peter needed help with his herbology assignment" James pauses suddenly, wondering silently why the fuck Regulus would even care enough to ask, and why the fuck James indulges him "what do you care ?" He snaps, more harshly than he means to, when he only wants to convey his confusion at the situation. He supposes he's more timid than usual. Regulus, not surprisingly, takes offence to that and turns away from him with furrowed eyebrows. 

“I don’t need you drooling all over my potion” 

James is very content with this answer. It doesn't contradict everything he has come to know about Regulus all these years, which is something Regulus seems to be intent on doing lately. Perhaps just to mess with him. James hopes this is the case. Because if it isn't, then he must face the possibility that Regulus is able to one up him in a way that makes him want to tear his hair out. He can allow him a lot of small victories, sure. But giving him this- the ability to make him confused as such- is too much. Regulus can't have that. James won't let him. 

So when Regulus continues reading his books, his jaw clenched, James is able to rest assured that -at the very least- he's still the prick he has known and loathed for 3 years.  

Another hour goes like this, and James is one second away from throwing caution to the wind and just attempting to catch up on some much needed sleep - Slughorn and his sadistic practices on checking up on them every so often be damned. He's not even sure he entirely cares about the way Regulus would definitely make fun of him or draw something unmentionable on his face (he claims to be above such childish pranks, but Sirius is a walking example that he's really not). 

"Just rest, Potter. I'll wake you if Slughorn comes up" Regulus says and lets out a small cough, turning the page of the book a little too soon to have finished reading it. Maybe James has been staring a little. There's not much else to do, and unfortunately, Regulus is more interesting than the wall. On his good days. 

James narrows his eyes, entirely too tired to question whether this is another one of Regulus’ tricks, more intent instead on finding out the reason Regulus can possibly have for helping him "Why would you do that?" 

"You're practically dead on your feet, and you look stupid trying to keep your eyes open. Just sleep. This stupid thing won't do anything today" 

If James wasn't already fatigued and a little vulnerable at having Regulus so close to him for such a long period of time he would've protested more. He wants to, the words getting stuck on his throat on the way out. But the only thing that he does is nod slightly, before finally dropping his head against his arms and closing his eyes. Only a few minutes go by and he's on the brink of sleep, when he feels a pair of eyes watching him intently. But then someone behind him coughs, Remus , and Regulus does a little absurd motion from beside him, flailing a little on his seat, and the eyes are gone from his sleeping form. And then James falls asleep. 

Regulus does keep to his promise and wakes him up when Slughorn walks into the room. He does it with a pointy elbow just below his ribcage which wakes James violently enough to almost accidentally slap Regulus across the face. He barely misses by an inch. 

Regulus sends him a dirty look, and James is not entirely pleased at the manner with which he has opted to bring him back to the awake world. And yet- and yet he can tell Regulus is embarrassed. Perhaps at having kept his promise. A quick check along his body and on the reflective surface of a spoon tells him that he is not, in fact, missing any limbs. Which means Regulus not only did something for someone else- no- He does that a lot, James knows, for Sirius and Pandora and occasionally even Remus who he won't admit he's fond of. Just not for him. Not for James. Except he did, just now. And he's visibly flustered because of it. 

And James- James is kind of losing his cool quicker than the situation calls for. So he's more than thankful when Slughorn gives them a reprimanding lecture and sends them on their way for dinner. Regulus takes the opposite corridor, not caring that it would take a full circle to end up at the hall that way. James refuses to stare at his retreating figure. 

"It's not working" Regulus announces one day, and James immediately knows that it's something he had to work up to admitting by his red cheeks and the way he just blurted it the moment he walked in that morning for their project. 

James sighs, because he knows too, "What do you suggest we do?" 

Regulus sits next to him, his movement too quick and awkward. It immediately puts James on edge "Out with it Black." James' leg starts bouncing in anxiety when Regulus looks at him, uncertain in a way he has never been before. 

"I've been doing some research. The book says more or less the same thing Slughorn implied– we have to make them listen to us. They feed off of our energy and are able to sense our moods" 

All things they already know, which isn't proportionate to Regulus' anxiety "Basically the older ones–" he points at the plant in front of James "Are stubborn and react aggressively to hostile environments. As for the younger ones" he looks at his own small white flower with disdain "Strong emotions scare them. And that's the only thing we've been producing. We take it out of each other– " It's almost funny at the way Regulus blushes at the words "And they feel it," 

James rubs at his temple "So you're saying we have to– be more pleasant… towards each other? We can do that," the statement fell short even to his own ears. The forced overexposure to each other this last few weeks has forced them to be somewhat amicable. One of them will come in after lunch, usually finding the other already sitting down with their homework open (they never actually walk the distance from the hall to the dungeons together. They both made sure of that )

But Regulus shakes his head "It has to be genuine. And I'm afraid we can't do that if we don't– talk, that is" James would laugh at Regulus' horrified expression, if he wasn't equally as appalled by the suggestion. 

"You don't mean that!" James says anxiously. 

Regulus nods solemnly "I'm afraid I do" 

James groans and throws himself back on his seat, avoiding Regulus’ expectant eyes. 

It's another week before James decides that he has had enough. He walks into the classroom and drops his books on the table with a loud thump , causing Regulus to jump a little on his place, turning his eyes on him. 

"You're not allowed to be a prick about this" he tells him evenly. 

Regulus blinks "Pardon?" 

"If you use whatever is said here against me, so help me Merlin, I will haunt you down, Black. You -and your house- won't get a respite from the Marauders, for as long as you draw breath" 

"Do you mean you'll tell me?" Regulus’ posture straightens in surprise and he looks equally as sickened out at the prospect. 

 "I mean I– I want to be done with this, and preferably never to gaze upon your stupid face again if I can help it. Because after this–" he points at the potions classroom like it's a makeshift prison room instead of the classroom they'll be forced to share for the rest of the year "-- is over, so will be this–" Regulus traces with his eyes the space between them, "-and we will not talk about any of it again. Be smart– the smartest, if you will– the next fucking Merlin if you so desire– just leave me the fuck alone." James finishes with a heavy breath. 

"Is that all?" Regulus crosses his arms, annoyed just like James expected him to be. 

"I will keep you here, Black. I don't care. Are we agreed?" 

Regulus thinks it over, and looks at him with doubt written all over his delicate features. What he ends up saying is "I don't want to know anymore than you want to say. It's important to me that you know that" 

"I know," James agrees. 

Regulus sighs, looking down when he mumbles "Go ahead then" 

Then

“Gentlemen, I feel inclined to remind you that this is not a race. You will not be getting extra points for finishing first.” Slughorn looked between them, the sound of furious cutting and pouring the only answer he got back in response. James and Regulus are so focused on their work they didn’t even bother to raise their eyes from their textbook. Suddenly a smug smile graces Regulus’ lips “That’s much too far Anjelica. Are you so incompetent you can’t even follow simple instructions?” 

James’ answer came swiftly, his voice coated with bitter gentleness “Nothing as ruinous as forgetting to close the fire every three minutes” 

Regulus' head snapped up “The book doesn’t say anything like that!” 

James hummed, obviously far too smug for getting inside Regulus’ head “I suppose that’s the difference between expertise and an unskilled conniving little–” 

Slughord gasped, scandalised “Mister Potter!” 

James only smiled. Regulus rolled his eyes but Sirius saw him as he discreetly checked his book. By the skip in James’ step, he didn’t fail to notice either.

“Er– go on, go on then.” Slughorn said with a huff and pointedly avoided approaching their station for the rest of the lesson. 

“Do you think he was telling the truth?” Sirius asked Remus, to which he laughed “I wouldn’t put it past Prongs to say it just to fuck with Regulus” 

But Sirius looked a little baffled, and he was playing with the neckless under his shirt, like he did sometimes when he was in deep thought. It didn't take long before he turned to Remus once more "What do you think caused this– this rift, between them?" 

Remus thought he did a decent job of hiding his surprise, if only because Sirius seemed way too focused on James and Regulus who had now graduated to throwing paper balls at each other when they thought the other wasn't looking. Slughorn very conveniently looked away every time it happened, even though it had started making the other students surrounding them snicker. Remus could just imagine him counting down the minutes until he would no longer be required to deal with them. 

But Sirius wasn't laughing alongside them like he was used to. If anything, his face was closed off and there were lines of worry etched around his eyes- breaking, for once, the effect that his skin was made out of porcelain. 

"What brought this on?" He heard himself asking, and his inner voice -the one he had promised to listen to whenever Sirius Black was concerned- was screaming at him and putting up red signs, bad idea, bad bad idea. But Remus was a marauder. Impulsivity and recklessness came with the territory. 

And it was reckless, if the way Sirius' eyes snapped up at him, suddenly in full attention. For all of his obliviousness, Sirius was damn near unbeatable when it came to reading Remus' expression. And Remus was a master of knowing things before everyone else. Which meant that Sirius was usually a close second to that privity. 

But this was about Prongs. And Sirius would want Remus to keep his secret- if he had known what that might be,- on top of Remus wanting to do this for him himself. One wouldn't know, but James had the best poker face of them all, so it came to reason that he had gotten the full brunt of the questions when Remus had told them about his little furry problem. 

"You know something" 

It was useless to deny much at this point. Still, that didn't mean he had to know everything, "Do you know something?" 

Sirius shrugged and looked away because -you guessed it- he happened to have the worst poker face. A thing which made him and James quite the indestructible pair. And brought Remus more than just a few stress headaches "I might know something" 

Remus breathed slowly "I might know something too," 

"Tell me what you know," Sirius said. 

"It's James," Remus whispered, lest some of the people around them suddenly decided to extend an extra ear.  

Sirius pursed his lips, like he was debating something with himself " But I saw something" he whined and closed up at Remus, his breath hitting his chin. It would be more conspicuous if he moved away, Remus reasoned with himself. So he might as well stay close. He will absolutely not lean back, though. Absolutely not. 

"I know– that I know more than you," Remus said, and quickly cut off Sirius before he could argue "and don't ask how I know that. So you should tell me what you know" 

Remus did his best to not betray any emotion as Sirius thought his options over. Finally, with a last look towards the front desk stations, he turned bodily towards Remus, ignoring the lesson or the potion they ought to be brewing entirely. 

“Something’s happened” 

It’s not a question really, but Remus found himself answering anyway “Yes” 

“So they’re-” He did a complicated gesture with his arms and his face scrunches up in frustration. 

“I don’t know. They’re… something, alright. It’s there– but not quite, you know? I don’t even fully get it myself” Remus mused with a small laugh, but Sirius had a conflicted look . Sirius turned to him with a meaningful expression “Siri?”

“Yeah!” Sirius jumped like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t “Yeah– I mean, I get it– kinda… what they’re going through–” 

Remus couldn’t help but let his surprise show “You do?” 

“You don’t have to sound so doubtful”

“No, Pads, I only meant-” 

“Nevermind.” Sirius cut him off harshly and looked away, a little annoyed “Tell me now about them” 

Remus sighed deeply. 

James Potter used to have a crush on Regulus. 

Of course, back then he wasn’t really Regulus Black. Not yet a person in his own right in their eyes. It might not be the nicest of things, especially considering how close they are now, but it is what happens when one is a mate’s younger brother. He doesn’t really exist as a separate entity. He’s more like an extension of your best mate, really. Everything he does and everything he says can give just one of two thoughts. 

That is so like Sirius.

And Regulus was. Like Sirius, that is. They had the same grey eyes that scrunched in annoyance in the exact same way. His hair was so similar to his brothers’ that Remus had confused the two more than once before Sirius’ lost his curls and let it grow. When he came to Hogwarts Regulus still dressed in the prim and proper way, just like Sirius at first. That is where the resemblance stopped. Because the second thought, the one that Regulus most inspired to Remus those early years of their acquaintance was:

I can’t believe this guy is Sirius’ brother. 

So they hadn’t paid Regulus much mind, which had been no problem to Sirius who was infinitely annoyed by his baby brother following them everywhere and annoying his friends. The only exception to this was Prongs. Regulus might take out his eye for even thinking this, but Remus knows that Regulus used to be James' first admirer. It was obvious in the way his eyes had widened when Sirius had reluctantly introduced them, never quite trailing away to where Remus and Peter stood, deeply blushing at James’ crooked smile. Obvious when Regulus continued coming to the Gryffindor Quidditch practices even after Sirius left the team in third year. In the way he still hadn’t perfected discretion when James would enter a room.

James absolutely adored it, ever too happy to bask in the attention of just about anyone at that age. He would stop and talk to Regulus and invite him back to their dorm with them, even with a huffing and a protesting Sirius. 

But that was all it was, for him. Regulus remained Sirius’ brother and nothing more than someone to stroke his ego. 

Until he wasn’t.   

Until they returned for their fourth year, and something shifted. It had been momentary, gone almost the very next moment. Remus must’ve been the only one who noticed, because he was the only one who was watching, too desperate not to look at someone else, hiding his feelings too. And -unfortunately for James- there happens to be no keener observer than one who has something to hide.  

Regulus had walked into the hall. For the first time in years Regulus didn’t find them at their train compartment, trailing after Sirius at every chance. It wasn’t the only thing that had changed. He had grown and stretched into his body, his cheeks and jaw more defined and his hair shorter and curlier than before. There was a newfound confidence to his step and the tug on his lip had gone from shy to comfortable. 

Remus had been, admittedly, a little disappointed. Despite his obvious difference to Sirius, they still looked too similar for comfort. And yet, looking at Regulus, there was no aching in his stomach, no wild fluttering like he might be sick. His pulse didn’t quicken and his cheeks didn’t blush. It was like the same things that made Sirius enticing and magnetic, were entirely lost on Regulus. Remus had been confused. 

For all of a minute. A small hitching lost to everybody else but him, made him turn to his side. 

Oh. 

James looked like he had been put under a spell, his irises frantic and wide as he tried to blink all of Regulus in, like he couldn’t quite believe his eyes. His shoulders tensed against the couch he had thrown himself on and his whole body locked into place. For all intents and purposes, it was like he hadn’t laid eyes on him before. Was looking at him for the first time. Was burning from it. 

He looked ready to bolt. A look Remus would never have connected with him. 

He looked between the two of them. James who seemed like he couldn’t catch his breath, and Regulus who hadn’t even bothered to look at them. 

Remus looked at Sirius. 

There. 

The same gut-punching feeling that, without fail, made him want to run away too. He didn’t get it. Why do he and James look at two people, so similar to each other, in vastly different ways? It’s not that he didn’t realise that people can feel different things about different people. But- 

Sirius was their best friend. Regulus was his brother. It shouldn’t be different. 

He had looked at James.

He had looked at Sirius shocked to find him already looking back. 

Regulus doesn’t show up for the project the next day. James is mostly angry at himself for expecting anything different. It's not like he had responded to James' confession in any particular way. He had just stared into space for a couple a minute before promptly turning around and exiting the room, abandoning all his stuff in the process. James spent the rest of the afternoon in the classroom, tending to his flower, who now looked more sad than anything else. But Regulus never came back. 

Still. 

He didn't expect this.

And because he always found it much easier to be angry at Regulus, he abandons the classroom altogether, not caring if Slughorn decides to come by only to find that neither one of them was there. 

He walks all the way down to the dungeons. Even the cold of the halls does nothing to dissipate his burning anger as he follows a couple of Slytherin first years inside who must've been too scared by his demeanour to not allow him inside.

But at the moment, James only cares for one thing. 

And it's sitting on the top of his bed, fiddling with a piece of torn paper, looking himself a little bit torn about something. 

James doesn't care. Regulus Black is a prick and how there was a time where he thought anything else is beyond him. 

"You couldn't even bother with showing up? I tell you all that shit and you're still like this?" James yells, so loud that the voices of the Slytherins In the common room die down a little " God- I'm such an idiot--" 

Regulus stutters something that is less words and more surprised noises "I--" 

"Oh I bet you wanna agree, don't you?  List all the different ways I'm an idiot and an imbecile, I bet there's actually a list!" He screams, a little out of his goddamn mind, and starts stropping up and down Regulus' room.. 

Having figured out that James is not about to stop yelling anytime soon, Regulus quickly casts a privacy spell,"No, James, that's not--" 

"Do you just stand around with your mates laughing about my stupidity? Are there highlights? Funny voices? Sound effects? Paint a picture for me here"

Regulus' eyes are wider than he has ever seen them and there's a hint of irritation in his voice "Will you calm down? You're being ridiculous" 

Which is oh so not the right thing to say. 

"Wait, that's not what I meant. Fuck, I'm mucking this up " 

"Fuck you, Regulus Black" James seethes causing Regulus to flinch away.

Resigning to the stinging sensation and to the fact that he probably won’t get the explanation, or even the apology he came here for, James makes to turn around. 

“You said you liked me. How can I pretend this is nothing?” it’s torn out of Regulus' throat and it makes James freeze in his steps. He wishes he could take the words back, No that’s not true. They feel so unnatural in Regulus’ voice, and it makes James breathless because he’s never really heard the words aloud before, has he? It didn’t make them any less true. Their truth held even if it only existed inside James’ brain, but he can’t doubt that it’s another thing entirely to give breath to them. And it’s something isn’t it? The way the desperation in Regulus’ voice matches his internal one perfectly. He doesn’t know what to do with it. 

Before he can say anything else, James is out of there, suddenly feeling stupid for even bothering to go at all. 

But.

He doesn't expect Regulus to stay back for their project, and if he's being honest, he doesn't think he even wants him to. Suddenly the probability of failing this project seems more desirable than being for one more second in his presence. There's no chance of finishing it on his own since Regulus' flower outright refuses to interact with him. His own at least makes an effort to open up its petals. But the other one only wants Regulus. James feels a little bad for it. 

But he doesn't have to for long, because Regulus joins him like normal, putting his bag aside and pulling on his gloves, pointedly avoiding James' stare. From the way his flower turns to him the moment he sits down, eager for his attention, James knows that -at the very least- he didn't confess his biggest secret for nothing. 

Then

Remus recalls with unprecedented clarity James’ face. He’s not very good at that, he thinks. At keeping track of details. His mates would deny it and laugh casually when he gets something wrong, claiming that it’s not really even Remus’ fault, but he knows it to be true. At some point, they all noticed the pattern. Usually the few days before a full moon were hazy at best, and downright gone by the time Remus came to it again. The conversations and the people all blurred together to the point he couldn’t be sure what incriminating thing he had confessed to. Usually, nothing too bad, for the rest of them had taken to not leave him out of their sight, if only to protect his secret.

Of course, because of the aforementioned haziness, Remus oftentimes forgot that he was not supposed to stray too far away from them. So when Peter fell asleep, prone as he was to do in inconvenient times and places, Remus didn’t find anything wrong in taking the rest of his studying to the library, in the hopes to maybe find Lily who always helped him focus better. 

Instead, when he reaches it he finds none other than James who is looking at him with wide eyes “Rem, what are you doing? Where’s Peter?” 

The thing is, Remus quite literally just forgot why he was supposed to stay with Peter, but now he’s a little annoyed by the pestering. He gets it plenty by Sirius. He hardly needs to add James Potter’s mother hen tendencies into the mix “I don’t need babysitting!” 

“You– It’s not that and you know it “ James reprimands and gets up quickly to put his books away. Too quickly . Now, Remus might be a little bit out of it and his thoughts are a little more muddled than usual, but he doesn’t miss the angry red blotches around the rims of his eyes and against the skin of his cheekbones. James is obviously doing his best to hide his face behind his - rather abundant- hair, but Remus is one of the few who happens to be just about his height, so it doesn’t work very well. 

Remus doesn’t reach out to stop him from leaving and hiding his tears. He really doesn’t have any leg to stand on when it comes to that. Remus had been hiding for years, and the only thing James had offered when he had finally told them had been unending support and understanding. 

He can only hope to be able to offer the same “You can tell me what’s wrong you know. I’ll hardly be able to deny you secrecy.” He smiles a little but James doesn’t seem swayed by it.

He shakes his head. Remus bites his lip “You can go then and dry your tears behind that bookshelf, I’ll wait for you right here and we don’t have to mention it ever again. Whatever you want James” 

James raises his head to the light, and looks at Remus through his eyelashes, contemplating his choices. In the end, the way his voice is small and quiet startles Remus more than anything “Can you help me?” 

Remus looks at the bundle of books James is holding in his arms for the first time, his eyes tracing the titles on the spines. He looks back at James, “What are you doing? These are all way too advanced curriculum” 

But James doesn’t answer him. He only takes the seat opposite to Remus and opens one of the books “ Can you help me?” 

Despite his fatigue, Remus tries to think, and tries his hand at making seemingly invisible connections. Thinks back to the way James has been trailing away from them oftener and oftener, opting instead to follow a certain someone around. Thinks about James’ newfound interest in potion making. Thinks of a dozen different scenarios that could have connected the two events in some way. He can’t be certain though, and Remus isn’t one to jump to conclusions without sufficient data.  

He sighs and takes the book offered, the concern in his chest lifting a little when James smiles gratefully back at him, “If you insist on babying me we might as well get some work done” 

It isn’t until months later, when James has stopped asking him for help altogether, now confident enough in his studying when Remus notices. Regulus walks into the hall for breakfast, just like he does everyday, and James doesn’t even turn to look at him. But he had undoubtedly noticed his presence if the way his back straightens unconsciously is anything to go by. 

Everything become clear to Remus then. 

Regulus is throwing him looks, he's not even being subtle about it and James briefly wonders if it's because he wants James to know he's being watched, or he's too awkward to bother with covering it. 

Whatever it is-- it's getting on James' last nerve. 

"You're being weird. Stop being weird" 

Regulus' cheeks flame in a way James hasn't witnessed in years, since he was young and far more impressionable. He's loath to admit how cute he is. So he doesn't. 

"Your face is weird" 

James snorts "Thought of that all by yourself, did you? Good job, lad" 

Regulus' eyes harden and he gets a hold of himself "that doesn't work now, you know. Now that I know you fancy me. Everything you say now has a subtext. A very embarrassing subtext" 

"And what is that?" 

"The I want to be snogged by Regulus Black subtext"

James hums "you're right. It is embarrassing to be snogged by you" Regulus glowers at him and he counts it as a victory "Fancied you" 

"What?" Regulus snaps like he James was a bug at the bottom of his feet. 

"Fancied you. Past tense. As in-- I don't anymore" 

"Right" Regulus mumbles and goes back to his work, not looking at James anymore, squishing the berries with more force than necessary. 

And because James never knows how to shut up or how to handle awkward silences "Hardly even a crush, really. Just an... Infatuation, I guess. Didn't have the time to become anything more than that" 

"Got it" Regulus answers through gritted teeth. 

"You were a prat-- so, it's no surprise , really" 

"Potter–" Regulus snaps warningly.

"Don't know what I saw in the first place. You have a pretty face, sure. But you're so obnoxiously-- erm...Reg?" He trails off because Regulus is looking at with an angry expression, breathing through his nose, his face flushed like he has flied 20 laps around the Quidditch field.

Annoyingly, James' throat closes up at the sight of him. He didn't lie. He is pretty. And the passing of years only heightened the effect. 

"Why? Exactly why– did you–" he takes a deep breath which doesn't really look all that calming "--stop?" 

James' ears buzz "What?" He asks weakly. 

"You fancied me -as per your words- and then you hated me. You don't fancy me any longer, but you do seem to hold pretty steady on the hatred, so my question is-- why?" Regulus walked around James station to stand right in front of him, just a few inches taller than James now that he was standing and James was sitting "What could I have possibly done to bring about such an abrupt change of emotions" 

“Right” Remus stumbles through gathering his stuff with lighting speed “I’ll just pop out then, and stay out of whatever– is happening here,” before he closes the door he says with his tutor voice that works on James much more than it works on Regulus “Don’t kill each other” 

James turns back at Regulus once the door clicks shut,"Haven't you had a crush before, Black?" James rolls his eyes a little annoyed at being asked this at all. 

"Of course. I don't usually hate them after I get over it, though," 

"Well then you must know how much It hurts when-- or perhaps you don't. Now that I think about it, I doubt anyone’s ever refused you anything" 

"James." He groans and looks away with a pained expression "Just tell me. I'm tired of this,” 

James considers it. Every possible reaction Regulus can have goes through his head. Mockery, guilt, resentment, dismissiveness, embarrassment. Maybe he'll even offer him the apology he's been craving all this time. The validation that he's finally enough. And somehow, now that he can reach for it, can attempt to grasp it for himself and dangle in front of Regulus for all eternity, he doesn't want it. He doesn't know what he wants, but it's not that. 

He shakes his head. Regulus sighs, but doesn't say anything more. They work silently for the rest of the night until it’s time for them to leave.  

“I wouldn’t know” Regulus enters the room the next day with a look of determination on his face, his jaw pinched tightly and his eyes looking straight ahead, right into James. Usually this would be accompanied by the rising anger and the anticipation of a cutting remark that James would mock and pretend it didn’t hurt as much as it did. Today though, Regulus looks almost embarrassed and yet determined to barrel on despite that. And James suddenly feels like a fish out of the water. 

“What are you talking about?” 

“What being refused is like” 

James’ blood runs cold at his words. Surely he couldn’t, “I apologize for calling you stupid. There’s– there’s no excuse but I was young, and a brat and would rather pretend that you were below me so that I could then ignore the fact that– that–" 

James’ ears are buzzing and he’s barely keeping track of what Regulus is telling him. Barely able to comprehend that this is the apology he is owed. The words he has longed to hear because he had given up a long time ago for Regulus to understand him, and he himself wasn’t about to tell him, “How-?” 

“Doesn’t matter,” Regulus cuts him off, not unkindly, but softly like one might do to a child. James’ skin crawls because of it “I remember now. It was in my third year. You started getting friendlier with me. Following me around and being loud and annoying and always happy,” 

“Yeah, well” James says, partly because he’s not sure how much he wants to hear the events of that time from Regulus’ point of view. He doesn’t think he can stand it “We don’t have to talk about it” 

Regulus -ever the defiant prick that he is- doesn’t seem to agree with this “It was stifling– and confusing. You had never given me the time of the day before that. I was just Sirius’ little brother to you. I got confused and flustered, and I called you stupid. I didn’t think you even heard me. You just walked in, like normal, and completely ignored me, which– i suppose for the time wasn’t so normal, considering everything–” Regulus pauses for a moment and seems like he wants to hide away from the expression on James’ face “You stopped being friendly to me after that, so that must be it –” he looks uncertain of himself “--Is that it?” 

James’ left eye shook “Well, bully for you!” he made to leave but Regulus hand wrapped around his wrist. James looked down at it “What–” 

“I never even thought I stood a chance at all. How could I even begin to tell you–I would never.” Regulus stumbles through an incredulous laugh. 

“If you think I have anything nice to say–” 

“Until last night” 

What? James thinks, a little slow. Too slow for the way Regulus’ face shutters immediately, like he’s already heard him “What?” 

“I never thought you would -could- even feel like that in the first place. About me. So– there you have it then” By the time he finishes talking Regulus looks about two seconds from combusting. He’s so red James has the sneaking suspicion he’s forgotten to breathe. 

See, James would know something about that. His head is spinning so fast he’s afraid he might lose -has already lost it, more like- because surely, Regulus couldn’t be admitting to what he thinks he is… definitely not, “Reg. Do you know what you’re saying to me right now?” 

He seems like he does. He seems like he realizes perfectly well where this leaves them and is ready to deal with all the implications of it. James is having a little trouble wrapping his head around the entirety of the full implications himself, but he’s getting there. He’s reaching for it with nails and teeth and grasping at it with grabby and trembling fingers. Wants to inspect it so closely he can wrap his teeth around it and bite down, wants to make sure what he’s hearing is real, is tangible. Suddenly, it is–

“You had a crush on me” It sounds way simpler than it ought to. James wishes he could have something more meaningful, heavy words to accompany the loud beating of his heart, the blood rushing to his head so suddenly it makes him dizzy and breathless. He’s positive that he must be halfway to incoherent already. It feels like a moment of victory, like a moment someone ought to jump up and yell hooray, hooray, we did it. Like he won a race he didn’t know he was playing. 

But the look on Regulus’ face keeps the little voice -the impulsive, egoistical side of him- at bay. Forces him to search deeper, to prod further into what that expression - those eyes- might reveal. Despite Regulus' visible embarrassment or his effort to conceal something from James– it’s there. It’s right there. Has he always been so easy to read? No. James remembers distinctly his fruitless efforts at attempting to understand Regulus Black. At first the feeling had been accompanied by a playful longing to be closer to him, to know him like no other. As the years went by the longing had turned to resentment because of it. James loathed the mask Regulus wore and cared for so meticulously. And here he stood, bare of it, and James can’t help but wonder if he’s finally become wise to it, or he’s just been handed the secret code. 

“You- you have a crush on me” It's obvious, but it still shocks him to the core when Regulus doesn’t even bother to deny it. It’s his easy surrender, the way his shoulders drop, that completely undo James “Oh god– Oh god” 

“It’s not a big deal–” Regulus hisses and looks frantically around, like he’s afraid someone might hear them. But James is kind of halfway out of his sodding mind and he leans in all over Regulus’ face, like he might escape if he looks away for even a second. 

“How long? You said something about liking me back then too, so–” Regulus’ eyes dart away from his, and he’s a fool. James is a goddamned fool “Further back?” He pulls at his hair, like he might make room inside his head for it “Are you serious” 

Regulus sighs and fiddles with the hem of his shirt and mumbles something 

James leans further “I can’t hear you” 

“Since second year, okay? Good enough for you?” Regulus snaps and groans when James’ eyes widen “So you see… I’ve been into you, far longer than you’ve been into me. You think you got hurt? You should try doing it for years. Does this make us even now? Can we finally move on past it and just– never talk about this again” 

James gapes “You must realise I can’t possibly do that now! Knowing what I know– knowing you fancy me! How can we?” 

“Sure we can!” Regulus says, a little frantically, like he’s trying to convince himself as well as James. He starts walking away from him and James would follow -he wants to- but he’s rooted in the spot, unable to even contemplate it  “It's easy. Just repress the hell out of it. Has been working splendidly for me” 

Before James even has a chance to think of an answer, he’s gone.

“Sooo– you like me,” James says casually the next day when he walks into the potions lab, Regulus is already there with his sleeves bunched up around his forearms, something that only serves to accentuate his rings. So very casually. He looks at the line of Regulus’ jaw. He’s tending to their little plant, which has now grown almost as big as James’ hand. It’s opening its little leaves to allow for Regulus to directly feed it small insects, something that Regulus alone had taken up since James almost threw up the first time he tried.

Regulus drops his pincers “For fuck’s sake” The sudden exclamation makes the plant shut down in fear and tremble slightly “Now look what you’ve done”

James -very generously so- refrains from pointing out that it was Regulus' outburst that scared it, in favor of much more interesting conversations. Namely… “Is it there right now?” James places his cheeks on his hand, looking at him intensely like his head might crack open and allow him a peek inside. James won’t pretend he’s not fond of the idea.

“What are you even going on about, Potter?” 

“And that too–” James points at him, “ Potter! ” He mimics. The muscle on Regulus' jaw jumps “Refusing to use my name like that… is that what you’re into? Were you bantering with me for years and I didn’t notice? I’m a little offended, actually” A dramatic gasp that has Regulus roll his eyes “Were you flirting with me Baby Black?” James puts his palm above his heart. 

“Are you seriously calling me that while claiming that I’m the one who flirted with you? You understand how hypocritical that is?” 

James only smiles back at him. He notices that Regulus has some sort of reaction to it, and he despises how he spent years withholding his smile and laughter when he was present, too proud to allow Regulus to have even those parts of him, so it’s not a reaction he could’ve otherwise witnessed. But he’s so happy he can now because it’s absolutely delightful. Regulus’ eyes snap down to his lips and he blinks rapidly like he’s flustered... 

“Is your heart fluttering? Your stomach in knots? Are you having difficulty breathing, sweetheart?” No reaction to that particular nickname, he observes. James makes a note of it.  “Tell me, what are you feeling right now for me?”

“Currently? Annoyance. More generally? Exasperation, vexation, and impending doom at the hangover I’ll have tomorrow due to the heavy drinking I’ll be partaking in today so as to erase this conversation -and preferably your entire existence- from my mind for good” 

There’s a moment of silence where Regulus must think he’s finally earned himself a peaceful rest of the day. But as aforementioned, James simply cannot be expected to be chill about this. He snorts “You wanna kiss me so bad it makes you look stupid”  

Regulus -unsurprisingly so- throws an empty bottle at his head, “No” he says sharply “this is not what’s happening right now” 

“Excuse me? Shouldn’t I be able to respond to this in some way?” 

“No” Regulus says curtly “Because I did not, in fact, ask anything of you.

“So if I were to ask you out right now, your answer would be…?” 

Regulus folds his arms in front of his chest “No” 

James gapes at him, and his mind, that part that is enamoured with all things difficult - and the part that James heavily suspects is entirely at fault for his infatuation with Regulus all those years ago- is laughing at him at the back of his head. Is mocking him for thinking that Regulus Black could ever be predictable.  Even in this, even in his feelings for James, he feels starved of it, like Regulus is dangling them right at his face ready to snatch them away at a moment’s notice “But you like me” 

“So? Doesn’t mean I would date you” 

James scrunches his face in mockery “Because I’m too stupid for you?” He doesn't expect the way Regulus’ face clicks open and his annoyance melts away. His mouth goes slack and there's a guilty look about him now. 

“Just keep working, Potter. This will be easy on us both if we refrain from talking” 

“Maybe. It seems like every time one of us opens his mouth, we admit we like each other. It’s getting old” 

“Liked” Regulus blurts out. 

“What?” 

“ Liked. You don’t like me now. You said that, remember?” Regulus points out, and it’s almost in mockery. But it’s self-deprecatory too, and it makes James' heart thud a little faster. He can’t help it. He has dedicated a good chunk of his time at school trying to make Regulus miserable, and it’s a little thrilling knowing that the thing that finally did him in, is his own feelings for James. But that doesn’t mean he wishes him to keep feeling sad.

“Right.” James ,whispers, though he doubts Regulus is interested in listening to anything he has to say. He tries anyway. Because he thinks they’re onto something here. Something is happening and he doesn’t want it to waste away before he has a chance to grasp it, “Reg-"

"Don't." 

James frowns "You don't even know what I was going to say" 

"Oh, but I do. I have a perfectly good guess, actually. And I won't let you. Absolutely not"

"You're being unreasonable” 

Regulus laughs “Yeah, well, that’s me” 

“I know. You’re kind of a prick. I always liked that about you” 

Regulus doesn’t even dignify that with a look. Only mumbles under his breath “Wasn’t aware you liked anything about me” It’s said sarcastically, meant to put an end to the conversation, but Regulus should really know better by now to know that James Potter won’t stop at anything. Especially if he’s still getting attention. 

“You were right after all” 

“About what?” Regulus looks up at him, fully prepared to lash out, and then does a double take when he notices the annoyed look on James' face “James, I promise you I don’t think you’re stupid. Everybody says how brilliant you are. Why do you care about my opinion anyway? ” 

James considers him for a moment, and then, having come to a decision, he leans back against the desk, taking pride in the way Regulus trails the movement of his forearms as they fold in front of his chest. He trains his eyes on him “Why? Now where’s the fun in that? Guess.” 

Regulus blinks too quickly “Me? Guess?” 

“Go on” James prompts “Why does the opinion of a third-year Regulus matter to a fourth-year James? I know you know this one” 

Regulus flushes, and when he answers it’s poised more like a question “Because you liked me” 

James smiles, a little condescendingly “Five points to Slytherin” he leans further in, so his head is at level with Regulus’ “And why does it still matter now?” 

Regulus shakes his head “Stop it, James” 

“Stop what?” He whispers, the humor gone from his voice. He attempts to reach for him, but Regulus snaps out of it and pulls back. 

“If this is your way of becoming even–” Regulus starts.

“It’s not.” 

Regulus throws him a dirty look “You said–” 

“Come off it, Reg. What was I supposed to say, huh?” James exclaims, “That I still liked you after the way you treated me back then? After how you continued to treat me?” 

Regulus falls quiet. James doesn't know what he's pushing for here. Why did he even admit to this? Up until now he had Regulus at the palm of his hand. Regulus could not -and wasn't even bothered to- deny his feelings. But James had a chance. He was ahead of the game, the victor to one of their races at last. And he gave it up– why?

"We would never work" Regulus states. 

"I did not technically ask anything of you" James mirrors what he told him. 

"Didn't you?" Regulus wonders but doesn't press "We have hurt each other too much. We keep hurting each other now. I think– this is a good place to leave it, no?" 

"Leave it?" James echoes. 

"Neither one of us wins. And– after this is done– each of us goes on his own merry way. We're both close to Sirius and– frankly, this fighting thing was starting to get ridiculous. We're good right now. With our project and with each other. I don't think we should risk ruining it by asking for more" 

James closes his eyes. Take a steadying breath. Another one. 

"A whole lot of talking you did on my behalf there Reg. That is, assuming I even want to be amicable with you" 

"Don't you agree?" Regulus presses, a little desperate. 

James offers him a sad smile "I suppose I don't have much of a choice" 

-

The next few days pass in relative silence. By now James and Regulus have a steady routine going on. They will finish up with their class before heading down to the dungeons for their project. Always arriving separately and exchanging a few polite greetings before going back to ignoring each other entirely. 

Sirius has figured something is going on. James doesn't know why, nor could be bothered with it. Technically, James doesn't have anything to admit to that he doesn't already know. For all intents and purposes, he and Regulus despise each other as much as always. If Sirius wants to know something, he'll ask. 

Remus, on the other hand– knows. They haven't explicitly talked about how exactly he found out, or the full extent of that knowledge, but he was the one James trusted with his crush on the little Black. 

Remus doesn't mention it. And James doesn't mention why he had trusted him to understand what he was going through in the first place.

Even now, when Remus clearly has opinions and would like to express them, he says nothing to James. 

It isn't for another two weeks when James walks into the potions classroom only to stop frozen in the doorway. 

Sirius and Regulus are standing opposite each other, their shoulders tense and eyes burning. It's clear to James – in a way it wouldn't be to anyone else who doesn't know both of them together and separately like he does– the nature of their disagreement. Sirius has that annoyed older brother look about him, like simply wants to pick Regulus up and decide himself what he should do with his life, because he knows better. And Regulus looks almost caught. Has stubbornly folded his arms across his chest and is looking down at the ground, an expression that one only reserves for one's older sibling. 

"What else is there for you there?" Sirius says through gritted teeth. Regulus huffs a strand of hair from his face. 

"There's nowhere else for me to go, Siri"

"There is–" 

" No!" Regulus snaps violently, which would be terrifying on anyone else. Even James feels his stomach jump a little. But the little sibling that can scare the older one to submission hasn't been born yet. And Regulus isn't an exception to this rule. 

Sirius goes red "Don't give me any of that crap! I've told you he doesn't mind!" 

James shifts a little, doesn't try to make any sound, but both sets of grey eyes are drawn into him like a magnet “Erm–” 

Regulus turns an impressive shade of crimson, unprecedented, even for him. But he’s not looking at him at the moment. Because Sirius is trying to tell him something. Well, not tell him, but his eyes widen meaningfully and he points at Regulus with his chin, attempting not to draw his brother's attention. James stares back at him dumbly, feeling like he’s a few steps behind on everything that's happening. 

Regulus, apparently not willing to deal with either of them at the moment, makes a show of throwing his hands up in the air and stalking off, fumes practically coming out of his ears. James, for the first time in weeks, isn't in the least sorry for watching him go. Because Sirius obviously doesn’t want Regulus to be privy to whatever he wants to tell James.. 

“He’s stubborn” he starts off, sounding exasperated about it. That’s fair, James thinks. Not everyone shares his depraved tastes. James himself rather thinks it’s quite a fetching look on Regulus. Not that he’s about to admit to that to his big brother. 

“He is your brother,” James points out, mostly to irk Sirius. Sirius seems too deep into thought to get too worked up over it, though. He’s looking at someplace above James’ shoulder, giving him the eerie feeling that he’s regarding something James isn’t able to. 

“You’re quite similar in that aspect. I guess you kind of have to be– if you want to keep this petty rivalry of yours going for so long.” He heaves a choked laugh, “I’m the King of pettiness– in retrospect, I should’ve realized earlier that that wasn’t quite what was going on between you two” 

James' breath catches in his throat and he stares squarely back at his best friend, the person who maybe knows him better than anyone else, and is expecting to be filled with the all too familiar fear that had kept him up at nights when he realized that his feelings for his best friend’s brother weren’t as platonic as Sirius had hoped when he had introduced them.

But they’re years away from those insecure kids, and while James is very aware of their humanity and they’re not above the fighting and the childish squabbling -even the occasional difference of opinion– he’s secure enough to only smile back at him. 

Sirius reciprocates with an amused look of his own “You’re not even going to deny it? I should cut off your hands. That’s my baby brother” 

“I have not touched him” James admits with a shrug, but leaves out how he had attempted to , at the very least. 

Sirius braces for something, like he’s uncertain of what to say. It’s sort of sweet that he wants to say the right thing when it comes to his brother, “Why do all this, James? Were you just trying to fight him into liking you back? Hoping that if you pulled at his pigtails hard enough he would look at you? I know we’re a fucked up family, but we’re not that quite fucked up–” At James’ wince Sirius backtracks furiously and gapes at him “Are you– Are you serious? It worked? It actually– Oh, he’s a little freak, is what it is. That’s it, I’m disowning him” 

James laughs for what is probably the first time in days since Regulus turned him away “I reckon there’s nobody else left in the Black family worth mentioning then, mate” 

Sirius snorts, and he must see some of the exhaustion of the last week written on his face because he softens immediately “So, he likes you. Reggie likes you. Why are you being a dumbass about it then? Do I have to do everything around here?” 

James cocks his head “An expert on love, are you Padfoot?” 

Sirius pushes him and takes the seat next to him, immediately fiddling with the things Regulus left behind “‘course, what’s with the doubt?” 

James does his best to contain the snort, he really does, especially considering that there are definitely people -namely, a specific person- that would disagree with that, but he doesn’t fancy Remus dislocating his shoulders, so he stays silent. And then, because he’s reminded of the hopelessness of his situation he sighs deeply and throws his head against Sirius, “He wants to be friends. And I– no offence, Pads, but that’s the last thing I want from him. I can’t even– I think it will kill me. Trying to be his friend when I know he feels more. Wants more. So why doesn’t he just–”

“You’re just going to have to– Make him, James.” 

James gapes at him, horrified “ What?” 

“I meant–” Sirius rushes, “That Regulus feels like he doesn’t deserve anything, unless you scream it at him. Make him listen. For yourself, as much as him. And if–” Sirius bites his lip and James knows that what’s about to come will be painful “If he doesn’t want to– not because he doesn’t want to, James–” Sirius huffs and throws a hand around him, comforting him with his familiar warmth “Merlin, James. Don’t do that” 

James wipes at his eyes slightly with the back of his hand, catching the stray tears “Sorry” 

“He might not accept you, James. I’m not going to lie to you. Not about this. Especially about this. And it will be no reflection on you or his feelings for you. But Reggie is not always good at letting people in. And if it comes to that– you’re going to have to accept it, James. I’m not asking you to be friends with him– and this might be selfish of me– but you’ll move on, and be okay about it. Because– I’m not giving up either of you” 

James doesn’t know what to do with that, so he says nothing. 

He waits for him to come. He has no reason to hold any belief that he will come, but James thinks he knows him well enough by now. He has made it a rather important part of his personality.

It comes to reason then, that his heart definitely shouldn’t jump to his throat the way it does when he hears the furious knocking against the dorm room. 

“What the fuck, Potter?!” Regulus hisses as he storms into the empty dorm (the guys had been gracious enough to give them a couple of alone hours after a few very thorough -and a tad invasive- questions. James had to promise Sirius that if it came to it, he and Regulus would not engage in any inappropriate behavior inside their dorms).

“Why, hello to you too Reggie” James says calmly and sighs “Back to Potter now, are we?” 

Regulus ignores him “We were supposed to meet at the classroom 20 whole minutes ago. What - in the bloody hell - have you been doing?” 

“You know it’s quite rude to storm into someone’s room like that” James says like he hadn’t been waiting for him for the better part of the morning, “I could be with someone.” 

He mainly says it to tease him, admittedly, but still feels a little bad at the way his eye twitches and he falls slightly back. He recovers with a bang though “I don’t care if half of the student body of Hogwards is under your sheets right now, Potter. Let’s go ”

James, of course, does not do that “Man, if you’re this mad to me already– you’re going to be absolutely livid when I tell you I do not plan to come at all” 

“ What ?” 

“My flower, yeah the one over there– see that? It won’t even acknowledge me, and I think that's rather your fault" 

Regulus' mouth drops open "How is it my fault?!" 

"You hurt me" 

"I fucking apologized for that! And -i told you I don't mean it" 

"Not back then" James clarifies, making Regulus seethe with fury "But now. When you told me we would be better off as friends" 

Regulus sucks in a breath "James," he sounds pained, but it's okay, because James suspects he had been hurting for quite some time, and he means to be personally responsible for him to not feel like that anymore "Don't do this."

"I'm not doing anything, Reg. I'm not asking for anything– god forbid one of us actually says what he wants- but if you don't want to hear it, then that's perfectly fine. I won't force you" 

"But– but the project–"

"Ah," James sighs, a little dramatically "Just because I failed at it doesn't mean you have to. Explain it to them. Get full credits. I guess you finally beat me. Isn't that what you wanted from me?" 

Regulus looks at him, his eyes tracing every part of his face, like he's trying to discern the sincerity of his words. He is uncertain, James knows, and even now he's a little giddy for managing to throw him off. He knows something is up. He knows James isn't so easy to give anything up. But he's not really. He's trading something in the hopes of getting something better. Something he aches for. 

But Regulus, as aforementioned, is stubborn, and will usually call his bluff. And as he turns to leave and reaches for the door handle, James thinks for one moment that Regulus will leave. Will take away what he's aching for.

James tries to hide his smile when Regulus pauses and hovers, keeping his back to James. 

"Before you leave– can I ask you something?" 

Regulus doesn't say yes, but he stands very still which James thinks it's the only answer he's going to get "Why did you start being nice to me?"

"James–" he takes a deep breath "I saw you at the last quidditch game against Slytherin. Nobody else notices except for me, because they weren't near enough– but I saw you close your eyes and you wavered. I thought you were going to fall off your broom. And then Remus– he might've let it slip that you have been pushing yourself more lately and that I might be - partially - at fault for it. 

James remembers the way Regulus had prodded him to sleep all those weeks ago like he knew he needed it, and back then the thought that Regulus Black might care had been laughable to him. But he has cared for longer than James had bothered to notice.

"I see"

"You know it's not, you bastard," Regulus says suddenly and his voice is tight with emotion "you know it's not what I always wanted from you" 

They're at a standstill, and James is almost afraid to push him more, for fear of putting him to flight. But Regulus turns abruptly and his eyes are glossy and his cheeks are a kind of red that's not like his usual angry red, but not less lovely because of it. 

So when the words tumble out of his mouth, it's with the confidence that Regulus wants this too. Not just him– but this thing between them. 

"Then why don't you just take it, baby?" He tries not to grin at the effect the pet name has on him. He has embarrassed him enough for today. 

And when Regulus is suddenly in front of him, gathering the front of his shirt in his hands and bringing James' mouth over his own all thoughts quiet down. And James has never been more empty and full than at that moment. Oxymoron.  

It's the ease Regulus creates inside of him as he opens his mouth and gasps when James pushes forward, and the bundle of nerves inside his stomach as he hugs his neck. It's the way James has never been this calm.

They pull back and it's a little magnificent and insane how he is now privy to a Regulus Black no one else, when he had tried for so long to get even a small part of him.

And because they're them, at some point the kissing slows down enough to move to James' bed. Soon they're throwing biting remarks at each other. 

"You like me so much" James teases and laughs when Regulus bites his lip. 

"Not as much as you like me" 

" Lies" he breathes even though it's really not.

At some point, they're barely even kissing with the way James is talking and smiling and laughing into it. Like he wants to say something, but doesn't want to detach his lips from Regulus' "Does that mean you'll come to my house? We can sneak into the manor and get some of your stuff–" 

"I'm not living with my boyfriend one month into dating him, James. That will never happen, that I can promise you" he even seems like he means itn and it should sound threatening, but James thinks that if Regulus ever hopes to be considered mean and awful by James ever again, he should stop swaying into his space so effortlessly, stop fiddling with James' nape. Because, see, now James is only further encouraged to push, to press for more, to plead for it. And he thinks that Regulus is a lot more vulnerable to his pleas without the cover-up of hating his guts. James adores it.

James frowns "I'm not letting my boyfriend go back there" 

Regulus kisses his teeth "What if we break up? What if we start fighting again and we break up?" 

James rolls his eyes "We're not going to fight and break up, love" 

"We're fighting right now!" Regulus argues.

"Are we?" James pecks him, and then once, twice, three more times before Regulus expression melts into one of compliance "Oh there it is, you're coming around" 

" I'm not " Regulus says but it's a weak argument with the way he buries his on James' neck. 

“Oi, James. Wanna guess what happened with your potion?” Remus pointedly looks at Sirius.

Sirius turns to him, a knowing smile, like he expected Remus to figure it out. Honestly, he's a little annoyed at himself for not realizing it sooner. 

Sirius shrugs, but Remus knows him enough to know that he’s pleased with himself “Had to test a theory. Can’t blame me, can you? I got proven right, after all”

James looks stunned for a moment before he breaks into heaving laughter “I ought to be mad. Regulus still thinks that it was my mistake” 

“And as such it will remain”

James nods his head vigorously “Oh, absolutely. He’ll kill you if he knew. He must never find out" 

"You finished it" Regulus appears behind James causing Sirius to jump a little towards Remus. Thankfully he doesn't seem to have heard them. James loops an arm around his waist and pecks his temple. 

"Yeah, Slughorn said it was good to go" Remus answers pleasantly.

"What is it?" 

James turns to him, delighted by this turn of events "Now where's the fun in that?"

James gently pushes him towards the cauldron, and Regulus' face of annoyance melts away when he takes a sniff of the potion. Even though he is clearly trying not to appear too eager, James stares anxiously at his face. Regulus' eyes have gone hazy and he looks down on it dreamily. As soon as James pulls him back he immediately pulls back and stares at him with burning eyes and flushes down to his neck. He can't seem to keep the affection at bay as he looks at James grinning at him, "That's Amortenia" 

Even despite his mockery, James looks so goddamn pleased with himself it makes Remus crack a smile. Who knew? 

"And pray tell Lover, how on earth did you know?" 

"Shut up" Regulus grumbles and walks away from them. James watches him go and tells them, just loud enough for Regulus to hear "I'll get it out of him eventually" 

"I'd like to see you try, Potter" Regulus yells back. 

"Don't mind him. He likes to call me that. He's kinky like that" James says, no self preservation  whatsoever. There's a few snickers and laughs along the classroom and Regulus throws him a dirty look.

"You're going to pay for that" Peter laughs.

"You think so?" James smiles at him "Merlin, I hope so" 

“Sirius, what do you smell?” Peter asks slyly. Sirius looks down at the twirling red with caution. 

“What is it?” 

Remus snorts “If you paid attention in class you would know,” he says, going to close the cauldron, his own cheeks a little red. But before he can do it, Sirius has already leaned into it, his nose almost touching the liquid “Hey, don’t do that–” 

But Sirius’ eyes have gone wide and unfocused, and Remus is certain he sees a ring of red surrounding his usually cold blue eyes. He shakes his head violently, not unlike Padfoot, and it’s gone. 

“It smells like you,” he says, giving a pause to all three of them. Even Peter, who is usually a menace, stops in his tracks and widens his eyes “ Or– your shampoo, I guess. Always loved the scent of that. Not as good as the original though” He brings Remus’ wrist to his nose, inhaling against the skin deeply. He sends a wink in Remus’ direction before heading out, presumably, to cut class and go take a nap, leaving Remus to freak out all alone, and also saving him from explaining what he just confessed. 

“I’ll be damned,” James smiles widely at him. 

“Come on. Everyone with eyes saw that coming a mile away” 

“Well, yes, but I never thought Sirius would be the one to admit to it first, even unconsciously” James shrugs.

“Obviously you didn’t account for my brother’s obliviousness” Regulus quips, having rejoined them on account of being a part of Remus’ mortification. 

“Must you always argue with me?” James says and if Remus wasn’t in the middle of the aforementioned freak out, he would feel inclined to point out that he’s not exactly discouraging by smiling down at him and tangling their fingers together. But then again, perhaps he doesn’t want to be. What does Remus know? 

Apparently nothing. 

“I think he broke,” Peter snickers

“Steady on, mate,” James says and leans in to whisper, making sure Regulus couldn’t hear “They are both stubborn, the pair of them” 

And Remus, despite his embarrassment, manages to quell up a feeling of happiness for one of his best mates, and offers him a smile “Cheers Prongs” 

“Cheers, mate”

“I’m happy for you” 

“Thanks,” He says and gave him a hug before joining Regulus in their usual spot on the front of the class. 

Slughorn absolutely beams at them, petting his belly in a self-pleased manner “Professor McGonagall tells me the experiment was a success. I’m glad to hear that you two lads have managed to patch things up. You might even work together from now on, how does that sound?” 

James, who had been hovering around Regulus’ station, turns to the professor with a grin that spells nothing short of trouble “With one of the dirty Slytherins? I’d never stoop so low” 

Slughorn’s hopeful smile disappears as quickly as it came “But–” 

“To be sure, Professor, if I wanted a fail on this class Potter would be the first I would ask, seeing as he almost wrecked our project” Regulus answers back, throwing James a dirty look. 

Slughorn, missing entirely the newfound teasing quality of their remarks, just shakes his head and heads to the back of the class, where he will presumably spend the next hour if he can help it. He also misses the way James laughs a little and swoops in to draw Regulus in a deep kiss, and then another one.