Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Chapter 1: August 2020

Louis pushed the door to the club le connoisseur open. He was early for his shift so he wasn’t in a rush. He slowly sauntered over to the bar, pausing to watch two of his work colleagues perform a dance routine on stage. It was an old routine, one he had helped to choreograph himself. 

When Liam saw him entering the club, he started preparing him a drink. Liam always made Louis try his newest creation to get his opinion. This time it was a blue drink with a piece of pineapple and a little umbrella. Louis was a bit scared to try it but so far he had survived all of Liam’s creation and had never vomited from any of them, so Louis took a sip once he had settled on a free barstool. The alcohol burned on the way down his throat. Damn, this was strong. 

Once Liam had satisfied all of the current patriots he came back to Louis, leaning over the bar. Louis stood up and gave the other man a quick hug to say a proper hello. 

“This is fucking strong. And blue? Are you trying to poison me?” Louis said instead of saying hello. 

Liam simply laughed at him and shook his head. “Is it good though?”

“I don’t know, mate. It’s something.. that’s for sure. You’ll just have to keep trying.” Louis shrugged and took another sip.

The ‘thumpa thumpa’ of the music made his body start to relax. He rolled his shoulders and circled his neck, his bones popping. Louis had spent the day studying for his next exam, crouched on his bed or on the carpet in front of it in unhealthy positions for his back. He didn’t have the space nor the money to get a desk in his tiny apartment. If he planned on studying for a long time, he would usually go to the city library. That day he had only planned on doing some revision for an hour or two. But once he realized how unprepared for his exam he was, he ended up studying for several hours instead. 

Louis had been taking classes for two years now. Ever since he was young, he had wanted to become a lawyer. But as usual, life hadn’t worked out how it was supposed to. Louis’ foster parents kicked him out when he was 14 and going back into the system didn’t seem like an option back then. He skipped school and worked to support himself. Eventually he decided to get his GED though and once he had managed that, he started studying law. So it really wasn’t his fault, that he was 27 and only in his second year of law school.

Louis had been working at this club, le connoisseur, for five years now. He mostly just danced and lived off the tips. He tried to save as much as possible. Depending on how much money he had made and whether it was enough for his college fees for the next semester, he also worked as a male escort.

This semester he was a bit short on money, so over the weekend he had decided that he needed to take clients again, starting today. Honestly, Louis didn’t mind it that much. He had done much worse for a lot less money when he was younger. At least the clientele here was mostly decent men. And it paid well. He could make up to five hundred dollars a night with only one client. Louis had never understood why some people would pay that much money for just one night, but that wasn’t of his concern.

Louis knew he had an appointment for 11pm. As it was only 10 pm, Louis relaxed at the bar, chatted to Liam whenever he wasn’t mixing a drink and watched the dancers. The age of the dancers hired in the club varied but none of them were older than 40. Businessmen didn’t get turned on by watching old men, apparently. Louis knew some of the dancers quite well. For example he had met Zayn when he was only 16, Zayn having been only 12. Both had been living on the streets at the time. Louis quickly considered Zayn the younger brother he never had and watched over him as best as he could. They had lost contact when Louis had been 20 but only a year ago they had found each other again, and Louis had gotten Zayn a job at le connoisseur dancing (and only dancing).

The hour passed quickly, and Louis made his way back to his room. Every escort was assigned a room in the back of the club. There were ten rooms and Louis’ was the number 8. Ever since he started taking appointments here, that room had been his. Not that it really mattered since Louis didn’t have any personal objects in it. He tried his best to keep his personal life private, and that included any hints at it in his room. That’s why his room only had a king sized bed and a closet and nightstand with necessities like lube, different kinds of condoms in every size and color and some sex toys in it. Every room had the luxury of its own bathroom. It definitely had its perks, working at a club that targeted the upper class.The door was already closed, meaning the client was already inside. Louis preferred it when he was in his room first, but it was his own fault for losing track of the time as he had chatted with Liam.

He knocked twice, just to give the other a heads up, and entered his room, a smile on his lips. A young man was seated at the bottom end of the bed. “Hey there”, Louis greeted the stranger before starting to take a closer look at the man. He was indeed young. Louis guessed that the other man must be about 20. Unusual, Louis thought to himself. Since the prices were high, mostly older men came to the establishment. The man was averagely looking; however, his eyes were some of the most beautiful ones Louis had ever seen. Deep green.

Reading the body language of the other man easily, Louis realized that he was nervous. “Hey,” the other man replied and looked back down to the floor. A shy one, interesting, Louis thought. 

“My name is Romeo, as you might or might not already know. What do you want me to call you?” Louis started with his standard intro and smiled seductively at the other. He bit his lip while he let his eyes wander down his body.

“Eh-.. Harry. My name is Harry.”

“Well then, nice to meet you, Harry.” Louis took a step towards the other man. 

“I know that probably many people say this even though it's untrue for them, but this is my first time in a…. in an establishment like this so I’m not sure how this works.” Harry said and Louis chuckled. Indeed many clients said that and sooner or later it usually became plain obvious that it wasn’t their first time sleeping with a hooker. But Louis didn’t care, as long as they paid afterwards.

“That’s fine, don’t worry too much. We can do this however you feel the most comfortable. You can tell me what you like, or what you want, or we can just dive into it and see what happens.” Louis had made the experience that with young clients it was best not to try to figure out whether they already had some experience. Those who didn’t only got even more shy and maybe embarrassed and those who did have experience got offended that you had assumed they were virgins.

“Okay, well then…” Harry stood up from the bed. He raised his left arm behind his head and pulled his t-shirt up and over his head.

Louis noticed a scar on Harry’s stomach that went straight through the belly button but didn’t think anything of it. A lot of people had scars. Usually ones that weren’t so young, but life happens.

Harry also had a tattoo on the rib cage underneath his left armpit. An empty birdcage. 

Louis wasn’t going to comment on the scar or the tattoo, so he started undressing himself, too. He unbuttoned his shirt and shrugged it off, while taking two more steps toward Harry.

“Do you want to listen to some music?”, Louis asked nonchalantly while working on his belt.

“If you want to, that’s fine with me,” Harry answered, unbuttoning his pants.

Louis nodded and walked over to the closet. On top of it sat a Bluetooth music box and Louis quickly took out his phone to put on some spotify playlist.

When he turned back around, Harry had already taken off his pants and shoes, standing there in nothing but black boxer briefs. Louis let his eyes take in Harry’s half naked body. The other man was very skinny, yet somewhat muscular. It looked as if he was currently flexing his stomach and arm muscles. Louis wondered whether he was doing it subconsciously or whether he was trying to impress Louis.

Louis walked back towards the bed, Harry still standing in front of it. He kept his eyes on Harry’s face while his own hands started to undo the button of his pants and then stepped out of them a few feet in front of Harry.

He could see the Adam's apple in Harry’s throat move as he swallowed. Louis was good looking, objectively speaking. Many people had told him so, in fact. Also, it didn’t hurt that dancing was a great way to work out a lot of muscles. He wasn’t that muscular, but he still had some nice abs, they were just hidden beneath a bit of belly fat.

As Louis got closer to Harry, his eyes still focused on his face, he noticed another scar on his chin, kinda shaped like a horizontal S.

He let his eyes skip to Harry’s lips and back to his eyes so the other man would notice what he was going for and would be able to stop him if he didn’t want to kiss. A lot of clients didn’t. Louis blamed it on suppressed homophobia and a lot of guys telling themselves they’re not gay if they don’t kiss. Even if they came here regularly. Louis tried not to judge but sometimes he just couldn’t stop himself.

Harry didn’t seem to mind though, as his eyes were now also moving to Louis’ lips and apparently got stuck there until Louis’ face was only inches away from Harry’s.

Their eyes met and both men leaned forward, closing the last centimeters between them until their lips met. Harry’s lips were soft. Louis kissed him softly for a few moments. Then he opened his mouth and traced the other man’s lower lip with his tongue before biting it gently. 

Harry understood and parted his lips gently, sucking on Louis’ upper lip. Louis moaned into the kiss. Harry wasn’t particularly skilled, but he didn’t mind. He tasted of peppermint and Louis wondered what Harry would taste like without the peppermint he had obviously taken before their appointment.

Louis slowly pushed Harry back until his legs touched the edge of the bed. Then he slowly guided Harry’s hips back so he would sit down. Harry followed his lead and Louis happily climbed onto his lap, deepening the kiss.

They simply kissed for the next few minutes. Eventually, Harry broke the kiss. “Do you mind if I top?” Louis was startled. He wasn’t sure that question had ever been asked in an establishment like this. No one had ever asked him before if he minded doing something unless it was some really kinky shit. They had always just assumed he would do whatever they wanted.

“No, I don’t mind, Harry. It’s whatever you want.” Louis laughed a bit awkwardly. Harry simply nodded and dove back into the kiss.

After another few minutes of kissing, Harry’s hands started to wander down on Louis’ body. One hand grazed his crotch and Louis knew that Harry could feel his half hard dick through his underwear. Harry’s hand froze though, Louis now being almost certain that Harry didn’t have that much, if any, experience. He pushed himself back up, out of Harry’s lap, and moved up on the bed, gesturing for Harry to do the same.

When they were both lying further up on the bed, Louis kissed Harry again before he whispered into his ear: “Do you want to prep me or should I do it myself. I don’t have a preference so it’s up to you.” He then kissed behind Harry’s ear, giving the other a few seconds to think without having to look at Louis directly.

“I- I’ll do it.”

“Alright”, Louis said while grabbing some lube and a condom out of the nightstand drawer. He handed the lube to Harry and placed the condom on one of the unused pillows.

He went back to kissing Harry. This time with more passion. He climbed on top of Harry and grinded his crotch into Harry’s leg. He felt himself growing harder and could feel Harry’s dick already fully hard on his leg.

The last piece of clothing to go was their underwear. Louis always hated that part because it was usually a bit weird to shimmy out of it when you had already lied down.

Both men groaned when their now completely naked bodies touched, and Louis couldn’t help himself but to slowly grind down into the other man.

Soon, Louis could feel Harry’s hand sneaking behind his back and lowering towards his butt. He could feel two slicked up fingers spreading his cheeks and going for his hole, rubbing against it.

While sex was part of Louis’ job, he still enjoyed it with some clients. Obviously not with all of them. Some of them were very old and rude. But others were nice and/or hot and took care of Louis too, so it could be quite pleasant instead of what one would usually expect from having sex as a hooker.

Louis sensed Harry was going to be one of those clients with whom sex was enjoyable.

He couldn’t help but moan when the first finger pressed into him. It had only been a few days since the last time he had used a dildo on himself, but he hadn’t had sex with another person in months. Also, usually he prepped himself, so the change was more than welcome. He had lied earlier, saying he didn’t have a preference. But a lot of clients didn’t like having to prep the hooker or actually found it hot, watching him rocking back on his own fingers. So he had gotten used to letting the client decide what they wanted.

Harry seemed a bit unsure on how fast and how deep he should go, so Louis helped him by rocking back against his finger. After a few more thrusts Louis moaned “add another one, please”, and Harry complied immediately. Harry’s hands were huge so it stung, but after a few thrusts, the pain started to fade.

The dildo he had used a few days ago had been a small one. That’s why, when Harry added the third finger, Louis’ previous moans of pleasure turned into a groan of pain. Harry noticed right away and stilled his fingers, buried deep inside him. “Are you okay? We can stop if you want.” Louis was touched by how considerate the other man was. 

“I’m sorry, this is embarrassing. It’s just that I haven’t done this regularly lately.” Louis explained, embarrassment probably written all over his face.

“Oh, don’t worry,“ Harry chuckled, “I’m obviously still somewhat new to this so who am I to complain. Do you want to stop and do something else? Or should I just go slower?” Louis nodded in reply to the latter question and Harry continued moving his fingers slowly. 

Louis couldn’t help but compare Harry to his first clients when he had only been 14. They had never cared when Louis had felt pain. They told him that it was normal. Louis tried to shake off those thoughts. It was years ago. No reason to think about that right now.

Suddenly a wave of pleasure went through Louis’ body and he arched his back. “Fuck, do that again, plea-” Louis tried to say but Harry had already repeated his motion, hitting that same spot again.

Louis felt his dick starting to leak drops of precome. Just three fingers alone shouldn’t feel this good.

Louis looked down on Harry below him and the sight was unexpected. Harry’s eyes were half-closed, lip between his teeth as if he was being pleasured himself, which he wasn’t. Both of Harry’s hands were occupied with Louis.

Louis rocked back on the fingers. He felt himself growing closer and realized he had forgotten where he was. At the club. With a client. Not at home with a lover.

Being fully prepared, Louis grabbed the condom and tore it open with his teeth. He spit the ripped off part somewhere beside the bed.

Harry, eyes still half-closed, was still laying on his back. Louis quickly stroked him a few times before rolling on the condom and spreading some lube over it.

Assuming this position was alright with Harry, since he hadn’t said otherwise, Louis slowly guided himself onto Harry’s dick.

Harry was slightly bigger than his three fingers, and Louis groaned until he slowly bottomed out. He looked up at Harry and saw pure lust on his face. His eyes were wide open this time and the green seemed to have doubled in intensity. His mouth hung open and he made a noise Louis wasn’t sure he could ever forget. It was a mix of groan and moan but so unbelievably hot, Louis felt his dick twitch and leak another drop of precome.

After letting a few more seconds pass, Louis slowly pushed himself up, before moving back down. They settled on a steady rhythm.

Harry’s breathing had already sped up. Louis figured he must be close.

Louis’ movements gained in speed. He was surprisingly close himself. Louis’ movements became sloppier. Harry’s breathing became ragged.

“Oh, fuuuck” Harry moaned as he started coming. Louis could feel the heat of the other man’s come inside him despite the condom. He rode Harry through his orgasm, his own still close, yet too far away to reach while riding Harry. Some clients didn’t like it when he came on them. So, he pulled off and plopped down next to Harry, kissing his lips while the other still tried to regain control over his breathing.

Louis’ hand wandered down on himself and he started touching himself. After another minute, Harry was back to full consciousness, and his gaze followed Louis' hands.

Realizing what Louis was doing, Harry reached down and replaced Louis’ hand with his own. Fuck, this feels great. He was getting closer with every pull of Harry’s hands.

“Fuck, Harry, so good”, Louis muttered during breaths. His hips started moving again, fucking into Harry’s hand.

After another few thrusts of his hips, Louis started coming, Harry’s hand helping him through his release, his come spurting onto his own stomach.

Louis just laid there, reveling in the post-orgasm-state.

“I should probably go now,” Harry said eventually.

“You can - if you want to. You don’t have to though. You can just lay here for a while.”

“Nah, I should- it’s late. There’ll be questions if I’m not home before 12..”

Usually Louis never asked this but the words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop them. “You’re not married, are you?”

Harry started choking. “Eh, no,” he chuckled awkwardly. “Strict parents….” Realizing how that sounded he quickly added “I’m 22. I just live at home because I’m still in university and…. I don’t have the money to afford an apartment.”

But you do have $200 to hook up with me . Louis didn’t say that though and Harry didn’t seem to realize how obvious his lie was.

“Well okay then,” Louis smiled at Harry to lighten the mood a bit. He got up and went to the nearby bathroom to grab two wet washcloths. One for himself and the other he offered to Harry, still laying on the bed.

When Louis had put the washcloths back in the sink and returned to the room, he saw the back of Harry for the first time. He hadn’t even realized that he hadn’t seen him from behind before.

Louis' eyes immediately focused on the long scar from the middle of his spine to just above where his butt cheeks started. Then he saw that Harry also had another long scar on his right arm. It went from armpit height to just below his elbow.

That’s a lot of scars for such a young man, Louis thought.

Harry quickly put his clothes back on and Louis, not wanting to annoy the poor boy with questions, pretended he hadn’t noticed his scars. He walked over to where his own clothes laid and put them back on.

When he turned back around, Harry had gotten an envelope out of his jacket pocket.

He held it towards Louis with a timid smile. “Thanks for uh- tonight?”

Louis opened the envelope to check if the money was all there. $200. “My pleasure”, Louis answered with a wink.

Harry just nodded with a smile on his lips and closed the door behind him on his way out.

Chapter 2: August 2020 

Three days later, on Friday, Louis was at the club again. Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays were his show days. He tried to have two days off each week but it didn’t always work out when he was taking clients. This Friday he was on from 8-9, together with Zayn and two other men. He also knew that he had an appointment for 10 pm.

The dancing was average. Louis wasn’t able to lose himself in it, as he usually could. Clifford hadn’t eaten in the last couple of days and Louis had taken him to the vet. His labradoodle had some ignited teeth that needed to be removed and he had to schedule a surgery for next week. Another $ 2,000 he would have to earn somehow.

Zayn covered his ass when he managed to forget the choreography on stage. He just hoped not too many people noticed. Based on his tips they surely hadn’t though. 

Louis left for his room at 9:30. He took a quick shower to wash off the sweat on his body from his dance performance. Afterwards he changed into a violet pair of lace panties and covered himself up with a blue satin robe. No point in getting dressed in normal clothes when he’d just have to take them off again in a few minutes.

Five minutes before 10 o'clock there was a knock on the door. Louis took a deep breath, not in the mood for a hookup but now he needed the money even more. He put on his biggest fake smile and opened the door.

Harry, the young man from a few days ago, was standing in front of it, looking timidly at Louis. “Hey.”

“Well, hello again” Louis’ fake smile turned into an honest one within a second. Harry had certainly been the nicest client Louis had ever had. “Back so soon,” Louis added with a grin.

“Eh- yeah, I just.. I dunno.. I had fun.. the other night?”

“I am glad to hear that, Harry. Honestly, so did I. Any special requests for tonight?” he asked, winking at Harry.

Harry suddenly started coughing, apparently startled by what Louis had asked. “No,” he finally managed to answer a few seconds later.

Louis just shrugged and tried not to laugh about Harry being shy. After all, he had visited this establishment and paid for a hookup only a few days ago and now he was already here again.

He walked towards Harry and untied the loose knot that held his robe closed. Harry’s eyes moved down and stopped on his crotch. Louis couldn’t tell whether or not Harry liked the panties. Last time he had worn normal boxer briefs.

When they were only a few feet apart Harry grabbed for Louis’ hands and pulled him to his chest. Harry went straight for Louis’ lips, wasting no time.

The kiss was messy. Their teeth clashed and Harry softly bit into Louis’ lower lip. His kissing skills had already started to improve since their first kiss three days ago. Harry let go of Louis’ hands, and seconds later Louis felt Harry’s hands pushing the robe off his shoulders, making it fall to the floor.

Harry was still completely dressed so Louis started to pull Harry’s shirt up, his lips still busy with Harry’s. Once he got the shirt up to Harry’s chest, he kept tugging, trying to signalize that Harry should lift his arms over his head.

Immediately Harry complied willingly. He lifted his arms up and Louis pulled the shirt over the other man’s head and up his arms.

Suddenly Harry hissed and pulled his arms back down. “Fuck-,“ he muttered, his left hand coming up to touch his right elbow. Louis heard the pain in Harry’s voice.

A few seconds later Harry seemed to realize what just happened and he quickly let go of his elbow and straightened both arms, pulling the shirt off the rest of the way in the process. “Sorry, my arm is kinda fucked and this movement made it hurt.” He looked down, seemingly embarrassed by it.

“I’m sorry. I should not have pulled your shirt off this quickly. I just got a little too excited, I guess.” Louis tried to reassure Harry while also flirting a bit to get Harry back into the mood if he wanted to. He also didn’t want to be nosey about what had happened to his arm. Or to Harry’s body in general. Louis could still vividly remember all the other scars on his body.

“Nah, it’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known. And I didn’t realize it until it was too late. So really it was my fault. But eh- let’s not talk about it anymore.”

Louis still had questions, but he knew it wasn’t the right time – or place – to ask them. So he just nodded and moved his head closer to Harry’s again. Harry got the hint and went back to kissing Louis.

Once Louis had opened Harry’s belt buckle, he started working to unbutton the pants. Once those were gone too, Harry dropped to his knees, hooked his fingers under the top of Louis’ panties and shot him a questioning glance.

Louis nodded encouragingly and Harry pulled his panties down. His dick wasn’t hard yet, but that quickly changed when Harry took him into his mouth. Louis groaned at the sensation. Fuck. He hadn’t gotten a blowjob in forever. Probably because you haven’t been on a date in forever.

Louis could count the times he’d gotten a blowjob from a client in this club on both hands. It was rare. It wasn’t as rare when he worked the streets, but that had been years ago and Louis didn’t like remembering it.

Harry’s mouth was incredibly warm and wet. Harry moved his tongue around, seemingly trying to figure out which would get the biggest reaction out of Louis. Louis grew close within minutes. He pulled away, chuckling. “Depending on what you want us to do tonight, you should stop now. I’m already pretty close.”

Harry looked back up at Louis - there was a smug grin on his face. “Oh, okay. Can I top again?”

“Sure.” Louis smiled, pleased that Harry had asked for consent again. He seemed like a nice man. No idea why he didn’t just get himself a boyfriend instead of a hooker.

“Eh- lube?” Harry prompted and Louis quickly grabbed it from the nightstand.

After prepping Louis, Harry laid on his back again. Louis climbed on top of him and slowly started lowering himself down onto Harry’s dick. It definitely still felt somewhat uncomfortable but better than last time.

He started moving up and down. His thighs started to burn. Earlier today he had performed a new routine. His thigh muscles weren’t used to it yet.

“Okay, so this is embarrassing, but my right thigh is about to cramp up. Do you mind if we change positions?” Louis asked while halting his movements.

Harry, already a bit out of it, took a few seconds to come back to the here and now. But once he understood what Louis had just said, he nodded.

Louis lifted himself up and laid down next to Harry, spreading his legs and motioning for him to get on top.

Harry did without hesitation. Louis wrapped his legs around Harry’s hips and helped guide Harry’s dick back inside him. They both moaned at the regained feeling of connection.

Another plus was that they could kiss in this position, which Harry immediately did while leaning down. The kiss was desperate and messy. Both of them feeling the urge to get off quickly but also wanting to enjoy and prolong it, if possible.

Louis could feel Harry trying to lift himself up again, probably to be able to pull out farther. But after a few inches Harry cursed and collapsed on top of Louis.

“Shit. Fuck! Sorry,” Harry muttered under his breath. He pulled out and rolled off. “I’m sorry,” he said a bit louder while Louis was still trying to process what just happened.

Seeing that Harry was cradling his right elbow again, Louis assumed he had somehow hurt his arm again.

“Fuck,” Harry added. “I hate that this always happens. It’s so fucking annoying.” He mumbled. He pulled his hand away and slowly started shaking out his right arm.

“Is there anything I can do?” Louis decided on asking.

“Eh-“ Harry chuckled, “not really. It’s just - once I’ve triggered this one fucked up nerve, it’ll happen again by the slightest wrong motion in the next few days. And me trying to push myself up was one of those wrong motions.” Harry looked anywhere but at Louis and Louis could have sworn he heard Harry mutter “can't even do this” under his breath. 

Louis wasn’t sure what to do. Harry didn’t seem like the kind of person who would enjoy being comforted by being hugged or other physical contact. So Louis kept his distance on the bed and thought about other possible positions. 

Just as Louis was about to suggest they try another position Harry spoke up again. “Actually, hold on a second, I might have some tape with me.” He got up and walked over to where his pants laid. He got out his wallet but sighed when he couldn’t find what he was looking for.

“Nevermind. I don’t have any with me. We can just do other stuff, it’s totally fine with me.”

“Tape? What kind of tape?” Louis couldn’t help but ask.

“Eh- the normal sport type that’s elastic would do. I usually have some with me, just not today. Guess I forgot to restock my wallet last time I used it.”

“Well, good news: this is a dance club, after all. We have tape in the changing room. I’ll be right back.” Louis quickly grabbed his robe and slipped out of the room before Harry got the chance to answer.

He returned five  minutes later with the tape and a pair of scissors in his hands.

Harry laughed when he saw the tape. “Pink, huh?” and Louis started laughing too. “Well I’m sorry, love, but you didn’t say anything about it needing to be a specific color.”

“It’s fine,” Harry answered, still laughing. He held his hand out and Louis handed both items to him. “My physical therapist actually claims that blue colored tape is the best for my situation because it will feel cooling. Blue being a cold color and all that.” Harry rolled his eyes. ”But I’ve never believed in it or felt a difference based on the color I was wearing.” Harry chuckled.

Then he professionally cut off a short piece, dividing it into two stripes and rounding the edges off. He got up to put the scissors and roll of tape on the dresser. Then he placed the two pieces of tape in the form of an x an inch next to his elbow.

Louis could tell from the fluidity of Harry’s motions that he was used to doing this. It urged him to ask what had happened. It’s not the right time. Or place , Louis reminded himself.

“All good?” Louis asked to break the silence.

“Yep, more or less. We should still try another position though, if you’re up for that”

“Sure, no problem. Let’s get back in the mood first though” Louis laughed, motioning to both their dicks which had gone soft.

Harry blushed but nodded.

Starting out with kisses, they moved back onto the bed.

***

Both men tried to get their breathing back under control. Louis couldn’t help but laugh. This had been one of the best orgasms of his life. Caused by someone who fucking paid him to have sex with him. How was this possible?

Louis looked over to Harry and wiped a drop of sweat off the other man’s forehead that was about to roll down into his eye. He looked exhausted, but content. 

After another minute or two, Louis got up to grab a set of wet washcloths for them. When he handed one to Harry, the other man started wiping Louis’ upper body down instead. After he was done with that he gently wiped Louis’ dick clean, too. Harry looked right into Louis’ eyes to check if this was okay, as he moved the cloth between Louis’ butt cheeks. He cleaned up some of the lube that had started dribbling out. It felt too intimate. But Louis couldn’t get himself to move back, out of Harry’s reach. He simply enjoyed Harry taking care of him. In return, with his own cloth he wiped Harry’s face first, then moved it over his chest and stomach and lastly his crotch area. Harry groaned at the contact, still oversensitive. 

When Louis was done, Harry got up and pecked Louis on his lips. He grabbed Louis’ washcloth and went to the bathroom. Louis could hear the washcloths hitting the sink. 

Harry returned and started to get dressed. Louis remembered the curfew and sighed in defeat. He wouldn't have minded taking a nap together on his bed. 

For the first time ever, Louis felt a bit weird taking money for sex. It didn’t seem fair to get paid for having amazing sex. He checked the envelope and the $200 were all there. Only nine more clients and he’d have the money for Clifford’s surgery. Or he’d have to take kinkier clients, whom he could charge more. But for some reason he really didn't want to. 

His burdensome thoughts must have been written on his face because Harry reached for his hand, but let his arm drop again before he actually touched his hand. “What’s wrong?”

Louis quickly got control over his face muscles again and smiled. “It’s nothing. It’s gonna be fine," he paused and took a breath. Without really thinking about it, he continued to explain: "It's just.. My dog is sick and the surgery costs fucking $2.000. But I’ll just work a bit more and I’ll have earned the money in a couple of days.” He was baffled by his own honesty. He hadn’t planned on telling Harry about his dog. He had only wanted to reassure Harry that he was fine. The rest had somehow just slipped out. 

“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that. I really hope your dog will be fine.” Harry said in response. 

“Yeah, me too.” Louis sighed, “Now off you go. Can’t have you getting home late and needing to explain where you've been.” Louis chuckled and gently pushed Harry toward the door. 

“Right.. it’s late. I forgot. Well, see you around, maybe” Harry smiled timidly at Louis and walked out the door. 

***

The next day, when Louis entered the club, Liam waved for him to come over. 

“Someone dropped this off for you. They wore an expensive suit. It was weird”, Liam told Louis without as much as a greeting and handed him a thick envelope. 

“Okay..” Louis started working on opening the envelope. Once he managed to undo the adhesive strip he pulled it open to look inside. 

What the actual f-..... Louis thought. Inside the envelope was money. A lot of it. 

To Liam he said “I’m going to my room for a bit.”, who just nodded at him in reply.

In his room he counted the money. $2.000. The exact sum he needed for Clifford’s surgery. 

Chapter 3: February 2021 (6 months later)

Harry didn't return again. At least he didn't for the next couple of months. The last semester had ended and it was 6 weeks until the next semester would be over. Louis had calculated how much tuition money he was short on and had been taking clients again for the past two weeks. 

He had an appointment at 10:30 tonight. Louis made it to his room at 10:15, freshening up a bit. He sat down on the bed and scrolled through twitter until the client would appear. 

The knock on the door came after what felt like only three minutes later. 10:28, Louis checked the time on his phone before putting it away. 

When he opened the door he saw Harry standing in front of it, smiling at him.

“Hi,” the other man greeted him. Louis was surprised. He hadn’t expected Harry to return after such a long time of not coming here. 

“Hey there yourself.” Louis smiled at Harry warmly. “Come in,” he stepped aside and motioned for Harry to enter his room. 

“Wasn’t sure if I’d see you again.”

“Yeah.. I’m sorry about that. I’ve been gone for a while. But I’m back for now?”

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for. You’re not committed to coming here in any way..” Louis replied and he could swear he heard Harry mutter an “That was the point, yeah” under his breath, but when he asked: “What?”, he got “Nothing..” in reply. 

Louis figured Harry didn't feel like talking and since he was a paying customer, he did what he did best and started taking off his own clothes. Harry followed suit.

“Can I blow you?” Louis asked, once they both got down to their underwear. 

Harry nodded and Louis dropped to his knees. 

He hooked his fingers into the waistband of Harry’s underwear and looked up to him for silent consent. When Harry nodded again, he carefully tugged it down. 

Harry was still soft, but that quickly changed when Louis started stroking him. 

Letting his eyes roam over Harry’s body, he made a few observations. 

The scar on his belly didn’t go through the belly button. It went around it. 

Harry had one diagonal scar on his right hip, and a very similar one on his left hip as well. The scar on the right was already faded to white and Louis could have easily missed it the last time. The one on his left hip however was still red though. It couldn’t be older than a couple of months. And Harry definitely didn’t have it when he last saw him. 

Which means that Harry had had surgery while he was gone. 

Louis wondered what kind of surgery would lead to such a small scar on both hips. Especially since Harry didn’t seem to have troubles with his hips walking (or having sex).

“Not to make any demands here, but didn’t you want to blow me?” Harry interrupted his thoughts. 

“Sorry, got lost in my thoughts there for a minute.” Louis chuckled and licked the tip of Harry’s now leaking tip. (How long had he been giving him a hand job for? Apparently way longer than planned.)

Harry started making the cutest noises. Little moans mixed with some curse words. Louis started getting hard in his boxers now, too. 

Louis didn’t want to praise himself, but the head he gave was spectacular. All his previous clients loved it. And so did Harry.

Harry tapped his shoulder after only a couple of minutes. “I’m close.”

Louis pulled off and Harry squeezed the base of his dick to pull himself back from the edge. 

Harry then continued to pull Louis back on his feet and kissed him. It was hot and messy. Louis knew Harry could taste his own precome on his tongue, but Harry didn’t seem to mind. 

They finally made their way towards the bed.

***

After Harry had gotten dressed he turned around to Louis, still laying on the bed. “So, how’s your dog doing?”

“He recovered fine. Someone-” Louis gave Harry a knowing smile “-send me the exact amount of money I needed in an envelope only a day after our last meeting. Very mysterious.”

Harry laughed. “Yeah, I figured you’d know it was me. I couldn't think of another way to get you the money though. I just didn’t want you to have to work that much within such a short time. I hope that’s okay.”

“Well.. you really didn’t have to do that. You don’t owe me anything. And I hope I don’t owe you now-” 

“You don’t. It was a donation. I just wanted to help. Which is also why I didn't write anything on the envelope. I don't expect anything in return.”

“Well in that case: Thank you. I don't usually like handouts but I really needed the money ASAP so,” Louis shrugged. At least this way, Clifford hadn’t had to wait any longer to have the surgery. “I didn't really have the option to return the money so I was happy using it for Clifford’s surgery.”

“You’re welcome. And I’m really glad to hear your dog is fine. Sadly I gotta go now, but I’ll see you soon?” Harry placed an envelope on the dresser and Louis trusted Harry that the money would be all there.

“Sure. I’ll look forward to it.” And that wasn’t even a lie. 

Chapter 4: End of March 2021

Harry had been coming back two to three times a week for the past couple of weeks. Each time he had asked if Louis was okay with bottoming. Each time he left at around 11:30. They had gotten more familiar with another. And not only in the sexual way. Louis now knew Harry had a sister, whom he loved very much. He didn’t get along with his parents. He was currently getting a degree in administrations, because he hadn’t been able to come up with something that truly interested him. But he ended up liking it just fine.

Louis had told Harry about himself, about Clifford, studying law and working at this club to support himself financially. He had also told him that he didn’t always work the back, only when he was short on tuition money.

To Louis it was just like any of the previous nights until Harry whispered into Louis’ ear:

“Can we- uh.. I’d like to bottom tonight.”

Louis froze, surprised by the request. He’d just assumed that Harry was a top since he hadn’t brought up bottoming until now. Maybe he was versatile. Who knows?  

“Are you sure?” Louis couldn’t resist asking. Harry had seemed a bit off all evening. Louis had been watching him while he was dancing, and Harry hadn’t watched him, like he usually would. He just sat at the bar, drinking his beer, seeming lost in his thoughts. Of course asking this could have been the reason for it. But Louis had this feeling that it was something else.

“Yeah. I’m sure.” Harry smiled timidly and Louis couldn’t resist and went back to kissing him. He decided not to force Harry to confess anything he didn’t want to share. If he didn’t want to talk about it, then so be it. After all, Harry was still a client. But at the same time, Louis had admitted to himself over two weeks ago that Harry was more than that.

Louis grabbed the lube from the nightstand, pouring some onto his fingers and spreading it over three of them.

Harry watched him, gently biting his bottom lip. “Just- uh, go slow, okay? I haven’t done this in years.” Harry chuckled nervously.

“Years?” Louis couldn’t help but ask, “You’re only 22.”

“23 now, actually, but yeah, well, I was quite young my first time - 15 to be exact. In hindsight I was stupid and naïve. But I thought he loved me and it felt right in the moment, so I don’t regret it.. How old were you when you had your first time?”

So I’d be his second time, Louis thought. “I was even younger, actually.” Louis forced himself to laugh. “And honestly, I do regret it. I was too young. I didn’t understand what sex can mean.”

Harry seemed to sense that Louis didn’t want to go into more detail and kissed him softly on the lips. The kiss lingered and after another few seconds Louis couldn’t bear it anymore. He had to break it. It felt wrong. The kiss was too intimate for it to be part of a business transaction. Louis was well aware their relationship was different from the normal hooker-client relationship. But then again, what was a normal hooker-client relationship? Most clients didn’t have an actual relationship with their hooker where they’d talk about stuff. Louis assumed Harry was probably aware of it, too. However, they had yet to admit that out loud to one another. 

Louis broke his train of thoughts and pulled himself back into the present. He started lowering his hand but instead of going for Harry’s dick, like he usually would, he went further down and gently parted Harry’s butt cheeks. He checked Harry’s face for any signs that he’d changed his mind but there weren’t any.

Harry's mouth was slightly open, and a soft moan escaped his lips, when Louis started working his first digit inside. Louis leaned over Harry’s body to be able to kiss him. He slowly started to push his finger further inside, keeping Harry’s mouth busy by kissing him deeply.

They stayed like that for a minute. Both laying on the bed, Harry on his back and Louis laying on his side next to Harry, gently moving his finger in and out.

Once Harry had completely relaxed around his finger, Louis placed a second finger close to Harry’s entrance, shooting him a questioning glance. Harry just nodded and Louis noticed how Harry’s hands were clenched into the sheets. “Relax.”, Louis whispered into Harry’s ear. This wouldn’t work if Harry was all tensed up. “I’m trying.” Harry replied. Louis sensed a hint of anger in the other man’s voice so he changed tactics. He removed his fingers completely and scooted down on the bed.

Louis started kissing Harry’s left hip, moving down to his outer thigh and finally to the inside of his thigh. He left a small trail of kisses before moving his head up again until he reached Harry’s dick.

Gently he took the tip of it into his mouth. Harry gasped and clasped the sheets even tighter into his hands. Louis could tell that this time it was the good kind of tension though.

After softly swirling his tongue over the tip, Louis started taking more of Harry’s dick into his mouth.

The other man moaned, and Louis could feel Harry starting to relax below him.

After a few minutes Louis put his fingers back at Harry’s entrance. He stopped working his mouth on Harry’s dick and looked up at him for his consent to try again.

Harry nodded quickly and Louis pushed one finger inside him while starting to suck Harry’s dick again. A few seconds later Louis gently edged a second finger inside. He could feel Harry tense but quickly untense when he swirled his tongue along Harry’s shaft.

*** 

“Are you ready?” Louis asked. Harry nodded and Louis pulled away to lay on his back. He wanted Harry to be on top, so he could be in control of everything. Harry didn’t seem opposed to that idea. He quickly climbed on top of him, moving his arm behind his back to guide himself onto Louis’ dick.

They both let out a low moan when Louis’ dick pushed inside of Harry, Louis’ moan a few notes higher than Harry’s. Harry was so tight. The pressure around his dick felt amazing. Harry slowly inched further down.

Harry’s lips were parted, his eyes half closed. He was obviously torn between wanting to bottom out so he could get used to it and the pain of taking him farther inside. Louis let him pick his own pace and fought the urge to push up into the tight heat starting to surround his dick.

Louis knew he wasn’t going to last. It felt too amazing already.

Harry waited another minute after he bottomed out before starting to move. At first he only lifted himself two inches up before moving back down. But his movements increased with time. 

Both men moaned and panted in pleasure. When Louis felt his orgasm rapidly approaching, he started jerking Harry off. He tried to time his hand’s movements with Harry’s but failed miserably. He was too close already. 

“I’m so close.” Louis moaned and Harry sped up his movements. After four more up and down movements, Louis started coming into the condom. Fuuuuuck. Has this always felt this awesome?

Louis panted and desperately tried to catch his breath. He was also very aware that Harry was still hard, so he gently lifted Harry up so his dick slipped out. He pushed against Harry’s butt and Harry gave in to his pushing, moving up. Louis guided Harry to sit on his chest. He opened his mouth wide and Harry let out a breathy “fuck yeah” as he guided his dick into Louis’ mouth. Louis started licking and sucking as enthusiastically as possible. He didn’t want to draw this out any longer. This was his endgame blowjob method. He was exhausted and just wanted to rest. 

Luckily, he only needed to take Harry down his throat two times before he started coming too. Louis swallowed and Harry pulled out, collapsing on the bed next to Louis. Louis draped an arm over the other man’s chest, feeling the need to maintain some kind of physical contact as both men tried to get their breathing back under control.

After a few minutes, Harry checked the time and Louis realized it was probably almost time for him to go.

“Eh-, I guess I should probably tell you something. I won’t be coming back here for a while. Don’t know exactly how long… But I just figured I’d let you know. My sister said I should tell you so you won’t worry- Uh, not that I think you would, if I don’t come back, but I just-“

Louis found Harry struggling to find the right words adorable, but he also didn’t want him to feel too embarrassed, so he just grabbed his hand and interrupted him. “Harry, it’s fine. I get what you mean. And thank you for letting me know. Do you mind me asking why you won’t be coming back here for a while?”

Harry was quiet for a few moments, apparently contemplating whether or not he should tell Louis. Louis got the hint though and added: “You don’t have to tell me. You can tell me when you’re back or never - if that’s what you want.” Louis leaned over and kissed Harry. It was a sweet and tender kiss. Both men didn’t seem to want the kiss to end. Whenever one of them would start to pull back, the other would follow them and deepen their kiss once again. 

Eventually Harry broke the kiss though. He sighed. “I gotta go. I’m sorry. Curfew,” he shrugged and smiled shyly at Louis.

Harry got up, got dressed, placed an envelope on the dresser and left, while Louis stayed in bed and watched him leave.

It was only after Harry had left that Louis realized what Harry had implied. That he had talked to his sister about him. He was important enough to Harry that he’d told his sister.

***

Louis had no idea when or if he could expect Harry to return. Some clients, even long-term clients, never came back all of a sudden. It was usually because they found someone hotter or because they started to develop feelings for their hooker, so they went searching for someone new to make them forget. But if that was the case, they didn’t tend to say they weren’t coming back. They would simply not come back and after a while you’d stop expecting them to book an appointment. 

But he had never thought that Harry wouldn’t be back again for months. Literally months. He was already three months into his next semester, and Harry still hadn’t appeared at the club again. Not that he was taking clients at the moment, but he figured that Harry would come by just to watch him dance and to let him know he was back? But apparently, Harry wasn’t going to do that. Or he wasn’t back yet. Louis simply had no idea what was going on and what he could expect. It drove him crazy to search the crowd every night to find that familiar face.

Louis wished Harry would have told him why or for how long he would be gone. He kept thinking about it but he had no idea. It could be anything. Maybe he was traveling or he got a job somewhere and moved there for a bit or maybe he did a semester abroad. Who knows.

It was bothering Louis, not knowing. And since they had never exchanged numbers or even their real full names, he couldn’t even text or mail him to see what he was up to.

Chapter 5: Early December 2021 (7 months later)

“You’re back.”

Louis had spotted Harry in the crowd during his performance. He had been sitting at the bar, watching him. Louis hadn’t seen him in months.

About a month ago he had actually stopped scanning the people in the club to see if Harry had returned, figuring that Harry would not be coming back again. He had accepted it. Moved on. Well, there wasn’t really anything to move on from, right? After all, it had just been sex.. Harry had paid him to have sex with him. No different than any other client. Except, Harry had been different.

“I am back, yes.” Harry smiled his lopsided grin at Louis. “Missed me?”, Harry added and started laughing. “Sorry, I didn’t really mean that. You probably didn’t think twice about me not coming back,” Harry’s eyes moved down to the floor, as if he was embarrassed.

Louis put a finger under Harry’s chin and gently moved his head back up, his eyes searching to meet Harry’s.

“I did notice. And honestly, I also did wonder if I would ever see you again.”

The other man’s eyes widened in surprise. Whether it was about Louis being so straightforward or about what Louis had said itself, he didn’t know.

Louis tried to make his smile as reassuring as possible.

Harry seemed to be at a loss for words, so Louis decided to speak up again.

“Do you want to go to the back? We can talk there. Or do something else,” he grinned, “whatever you want to do.”

Harry nodded, got up from the bar stool and followed Louis to the back.

Louis closed the door behind them. “So, you’re back” Louis repeated. He still couldn’t really believe it. Harry was back - actually back here in his room.

“I’m back.” Harry sat down on the edge of the bed, motioning for Louis to sit beside him. Louis complied happily.

“Honestly, I don’t really want to talk about it. But I guess you deserve some sort of explanation, right?” Harry shot Louis a questioning glance but continued talking without giving Louis a chance to reply. “I had a planned surgery. But I’m mostly recovered by now. So, here I am..”

A surgery? Another one? What kind of surgery? Harry already has so many scars… Louis couldn’t help but wonder if he would find a new scar on Harry’s body. But he kept all his questions inside, since Harry had literally just told him he didn’t want to talk about it.

“I guess all that matters is that you’re healthy again now. Thanks for telling me. And for coming back. I feared you wouldn’t.” Louis couldn’t help but add the last part.

“I told you I would. But it was quite a long time, so I probably would have been afraid of that too, if I was in your place.”

Louis simply nodded. It had been a long time indeed. Yet he was still glad Harry had returned.

“Random question but: are you taking clients at the moment?” Harry grinned widely, which immediately made Louis want to kiss Harry because his smile was so beautiful.

He wasn’t taking clients yet, but he wanted to have sex with Harry again. So he decided to lie.

“Yeah, I am. I’m short on my tuition again. What do you have in mind?”

“What we did last time?” Harry didn’t even have to think about it. Someone must have thought about this advance, Louis thought. It was understandable though. Louis would have too if he had been in Harry’s place.

“Sounds great.” Louis smirked and moved to kiss Harry, but Harry pulled away. “Fuck. Eh- no kissing today?”

Louis moved back, confusion probably written all over his face.

“I’m sorry, shit, I’m so sorry. I forgot about that. I don’t know how but I forgot. I think about it like every five minutes of each hour I’m awake, but I totally forgot about it. I just really wanted to see you again as soon as possible. And when I got home today, I just decided to fuck it all and go see you this evening.”

None of this made any sense to Louis.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I should just go. This is so weird.” Harry was already about to get up when Louis finally got control over his body again and grabbed Harry's hand.

“Harry, hold on. Just breathe. It’s okay.”

Harry’s breathing continued to speed up though, so Louis added “Breathe. Come on, love, just breathe with me. In,” Louis exaggerated breathing in, “and out” and he audibly let out his breath.

Harry followed the instructions and took several deep breaths together with Louis.

Once he had calmed down a bit, Louis continued. “We don’t have to kiss. If you don’t want to. It’s okay. I was just confused, because you’ve never seemed to mind it before.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I just.. I can’t- I…” Harry seemed unable to put whatever it was into words and his breathing was starting to speed up again.  

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Don’t worry. Just breathe. You don’t have to explain yourself. No kissing. Got it. But I do have one last question. No kissing at all or only no kissing on the lips?”

“Just try not to touch my face in general?” Harry’s shoulders had sunken in and he seemed so small and vulnerable. He seemed smaller in general. Louis realized that he had lost muscle mass and was skinnier in general, too.

Louis didn’t want to upset Harry any further, so he simply nodded in agreement. “Okay”. This was probably one of the weirdest requests ever though and Louis really wanted to know the reason for it. However, he respected Harry’s choice to not want to talk about it.

“Can I go down on you, Harry?” Louis asked and Harry seemed to relax, realizing that the talking part was over. “Yes, please,” Harry chuckled.

Louis started working on unbuttoning Harry’s shirt, kissing the revealed skin on his chest. He licked over one nipple and gently sucked on it, causing Harry to moan. He then continued kissing down Harry’s chest and stomach until he reached the waistband. He got back up and quickly got rid of his own top and pants he’d been wearing.

After another minute, Harry was wearing nothing but his underwear as well and they were laying on the bed. Louis carefully pulled down Harry’s boxer briefs. He wrapped his fingers around Harry’s still soft dick. He gave it a few strokes and Harry moaned at the feeling.

Happy to finally hear Harry’s sounds again, Louis scooted down on the bed. Louis watched Harry’s dick twitch in his hand, and he could feel his own arousal starting to grow.

His eyes moved over Harry’s body and he was relieved that he couldn’t find a new scar at a first glance. He kept his hand moving at a steady pace and gently took the tip of Harry’s dick in his mouth.

The other man arched his back off the sheets and groaned at the sensation. Louis tightened his grip in response and took more of Harry’s dick into his mouth. He ran his tongue alongside the shaft, eager to get Harry to make more sounds.

Harry, seemingly enjoying the blowjob so far, started to thrust into Louis' mouth.

“Fuck, I’m already so close.” Harry panted while trying to suppress a moan.

If he’s that close from this alone, he’s not gonna last through me prepping him , Louis thought and decided to let Harry come right now. He was young. He could get hard again in a few minutes.

Louis sped up and swirled his tongue over the tip every other time.

“I’m gonna – “, Harry moaned, and Louis could taste Harry’s come on his tongue mere seconds later. He swallowed a few times and quickly licked Harry’s dick clean before pulling off.

“Fuck, that was amazing” Harry stuttered in between irregular breaths, still high from his orgasm.

“You’re welcome.” Louis laughed and laid down next to Harry. I should give him a minute to recover .

As Harry’s breathing slowed down, Louis grinned, thinking of all the things they could do in a few minutes. I could lick him open for me. That would be so hot. And he’s probably never done that before. So I’d be the first to do this to him.

Louis was so lost in his thoughts, that he didn’t notice Harry falling asleep next to him. He looked incredibly peaceful, so Louis couldn’t even be disappointed when he became aware of it. He didn’t like clients sleeping in this room. It had only happened once or twice and he had always woken them back up again after like 15 minutes, telling them how someone else needed the room or another made up excuse.

But he couldn’t do that to Harry. He didn’t even want to. His mouth stood slightly open, and his face was more relaxed than Louis had ever seen it. He was beautiful.

So Louis decided to let him sleep. He got a blanket and gently spread it over Harry’s body, so he wouldn’t get cold.

Since his own dick was still hard though, Louis disappeared to the bathroom for a minute or two, before getting himself a drink from the bar and going back to his room.  

He got out a book for university and started reading it, laying next to Harry on the bed.

At 00:30 Harry’s phone started to ring and spooked Louis, who promptly threw his book shut and towards the end of the bed. Luckily it didn’t hit Harry.

Wanting to mute the call, Louis quickly got up and fumbled with Harry’s pants to get the phone out.

Gemma is calling. That must be his sister, whom Harry had told him about. And then it dawned on Louis. The curfew. Fuck. He should have woken Harry.

He picked up the call and quietly made his way to the hallway.

“Hey Gemma,” Louis said as he accepted the call. “You’re Harry’s sister, right?” he couldn't help but add to make sure it was her.

“Eh, yes, who is this?” Louis chuckled at the confusion in her voice. “It’s Louis.”- “Who?”- and then it dawned on Louis that Harry didn’t even know his real name. “Eh- Romeo? You know, from…”

“Oh… OH! Romeo, fuck,” Gemma started laughing, “I can’t believe Harry actually went to see you tonight... He is still with you, right?” Harry could hear the worry in her voice.

“Yep, he’s sleeping. He fell asleep after-“, Louis stopped himself just in time. “Well, he’s asleep in my room. I’m really sorry. I forgot about his curfew. Otherwise I would have woken him up in time to get home.”

“It’s fine.. Well it’s not, our parents are going insane right now”, Gemma chuckled. ”But I’m just gonna say he called me and said he’s staying with a friend of his. Maybe Taylor would be nice enough to cover for him. I’m just gonna text her and tell her to lie for Harry tomorrow when she comes over… sorry, I’m rambling,” Gemma interrupted her thinking out loud.

“It’s fine. So Harry can just stay here overnight?” – “Well, if that’s okay with you.. I mean.. technically he’s a client.. so if you want him to leave that’s fine too!”

“No, I don’t. It’s fine. I’ll figure something out. We’re not allowed to stay here overnight, but I bet I can make up a lie to get the keys, so we can stay here tonight.”

“Okay, great. Well, it’s been nice finally talking to you?”, Gemma added, laughing at the odd circumstances.

“Yes, I feel the same. Harry has told me so much about you. I wondered what your voice would sound like, always mocking him and almost killing him with your attempted cooking,” Louis couldn’t help but tease her.

Gemma exhaled loudly with fake indignation in her voice and said “I don’t like you anymore. Bye Louis. Oh, and please finally ask Harry out on a real date. You both deserve it.” And then she hung up.

As if I hadn’t thought about that myself yet.

Louis re-entered his room and saw Harry putting his clothes back on. He must have woken up after Louis had left. Luckily the walls and doors were sound proof, so there was no way he could have overheard his conversation with his sister.

“Hey,” Louis said into the quiet and startled Harry. “So, uhm, your phone rang. And I didn’t want to wake you. And I saw it was your sister so I picked up the call?” Louis didn’t know if Harry would be mad. It was an invasion of his privacy, that’s for sure.

“What did she say?” Harry said with confusion in his voice. He must still be groggy in the head from his nap.

“You missed curfew and your parents are worried. So she called. I told her you can stay with me though. And she’s apparently telling your parents you’re staying with your friend Taylor?”

“Fuck,” Harry sighed. “I didn’t realize how tired I was, I’m sorry for falling asleep. And I know Gemma is just trying to help but my parents have been trying to get me and Taylor to date for years and this is only going to fuel that.” Harry sighed again and ran his left hand through his hair. “Fuck.”

Louis wasn’t sure what to say so he just threw the phone on the bed. “Why didn’t your parents just call you? Why did Gemma call you?”

“Ehm. I have two phones. And my parents only know about one of them. I left the other one with my friend Niall so if they check where I am, they would think I’m safe with him. And he must be with Babara, who is roommates with Taylor. Therefore it’ll make sense if they hear I’m with her.”

Check where he was? Who tf are his parents??

Harry seemed to realize how it sounded. “My parents are just a bit overprotective. They don’t want to see me get hurt.”

Louis slowly started to process Harry’s previous words. “And they think you’re straight…”

“They want me to be? I came out to them when I was 16, but they just blamed it on trauma and the wrong friends and.. I don’t know. It’s complicated, I’m sorry.” Harry started fidgeting with his hands.

“Hey,” Louis said in a low voice, just above a whisper. “It’s okay. I’m just trying to understand. I’ve told Gemma that you can stay with me, here, if you want to, and I meant it. That offer stands. And we can figure out the rest tomorrow.”

Harry seemed suspicious.

“No obligations. Just two guys sleeping in one bed. Two guys who have had sex before”, Louis couldn’t help but add the last part. He was pleased to see Harry blushing.  

“Mmmh, okay. If you’re sure that’s okay?” Harry asked timidly.

“Yes, I’m sure, I just have to go tell my friend at the bar. Are you okay here by yourself for a few minutes?”

“Yes.”

When Louis got back from the bar, a spare key to the front door in his pocket, Harry still stood in the exact same spot as before.

He locked the door behind him. “We don’t want random guys walking in, looking for the bathroom later”, he explained and added: “Sorry about that.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Harry replied and looked right into Louis’ eyes. For some reason Louis knew that Harry was being honest. The butterflies in his stomach started tingling again.

“Clothes!” Louis suddenly half-shouted. “I probably have some more comfortable clothes for you to sleep in, if you want to?” Louis usually slept in his underwear, but he didn’t want to assume Harry would be comfortable like that as well. He walked over to his dresser and started looking through his clothes to find something that was too big on himself.

“Clothes would be nice.” Harry chuckled.

Louis only found some baggy pants though. He had some oversized hoodies, too, but nothing one would want to spend the night in.

“Eh- here are some pants. But I fear I don’t have any kind of top that would fit you.”

“That’s alright. Just pants are fine. To be honest I usually sleep naked anyway.”

“I wouldn’t be opposed to that..” Louis smirked at Harry, succeeding in making the other man blush yet again.

“Oh.. eh.. maybe another time?” Harry cleared his throat and Louis laughed.

“Yeah, I was just joking, love. Here-” Louis threw the pants at Harry and he quickly put the pants on while Louis dressed in a comfy shirt and some pants, too.

Once they got into bed, both men tried to find positions in which they felt comfortable. Louis grabbed for Harry’s hand and the other squeezed it gently in return. 

It didn't take long for them to fall asleep.

***

Louis woke up to Harry’s phone ringing. Harry was already sitting upright next to him, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. 

“Morning,” Louis mumbled and smiled at Harry. He felt well rested. To be honest he couldn’t remember a time when he had slept this well. 

“Good morning,” Harry replied, his voice still having that deep tone and slight raspy sound to it. 

The other man quickly got up, looked at his phone and silenced it. “Fuck,” Harry rubbed his eyes again.

He sighed, straightened his body posture and started gathering his clothes on the floor in his arms. “I’m late for work. I’m sorry, I forgot to set an alarm. I kind of have to leave, like, 20 minutes ago.”

Harry changed into his jeans and buttoned his shirt up quickly. Louis was still sitting on the bed, watching the other man moving around hastily, searching for his shoes. 

“When will I see you again?”, the words escaped Louis’ mouth before he could stop them. He sounded like a lovesick fool. 

“Eh- soon?” Harry replied with a timid smile on his face. Harry quickly crawled on the bed towards Louis and kissed his cheek.

“I’ll be back in a couple of days, promise.”

Louis hated how relieved he was to hear that. He quickly got up from the bed and took the key for the front door to let Harry leave. 

Chapter 6: December (two days later)

“Hi!” Harry smiled at Louis and got up from the bar stool.

“Hey,” Louis answered, still out of breath from just having performed on stage. He had been pleased to see Harry in the crowd again only two days after they had last met.

When Liam saw him, he quickly poured him a coke. Louis gratefully grabbed the drink and downed like half of it. Luckily Liam wouldn’t make him one of his weird creations when he was thirsty and just needed some fluids. 

The crowd started cheering as the next dancer went on stage. Louis locked eyes with Harry and nodded towards the back.

Harry understood and turned around to go to Louis’ room, Louis following him close behind. 

Once the door shut behind him and drowned out some of the noise from the crowd cheering for the current dancer, a slightly uncomfortable silence settled among the two of them. 

“So,” Louis prompted, hoping Harry would start saying something, anything really.

“So,” Harry repeated, his lips forming a timid smile. “Sorry about the rushed exit last time.”

Not what Louis had been hoping for, but it was a start. “It’s fine. I oversleep all the time and then have to rush to get to class in time.” Louis chuckled. 

Before the silence could get uncomfortable yet again, Harry spoke up again.

“So.. I tried calling and booking an appointment with you but the receptionist told me that you don’t take appointments right now?” Harry raised his voice towards the end, making it sound like a question.

Louis froze in embarrassment, his brain rushing to come up with an explanation. Except, there wasn't one. He wasn’t taking clients at the moment. 

Harry chuckled once he realized Louis didn't have an explanation, either. Louis figured that Harry knew that Louis knew his true motives had been discovered. And it wasn’t as if Harry had paid him for the last time anyway. So, no point in keeping up the charade now. 

“Go out with me?” Smooth, Louis, smooth, Louis mentally face palmed. He was usually a lot smoother than this. 

Harry laughed, clearly startled. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I just.. I’ve been meaning to ask you out for a while now and I went through so many possible scenarios, but none of them went like that, I promise.”, Louis let out a nervous chuckle. 

“I’m sorry for laughing,” Harry was grinning now, “I’d love to go out with you, Louis. Or would you prefer if I’d keep calling you Romeo?” Harry’s grin turned lopsided and Louis couldn't help but hit Harry’s arm playfully. 

“So Gemma told you.”

“Yeah, she did. Hope you don't mind. But considering you just asked me out, I guess you don’t.”

“To be honest with you, I forgot you didn't know my real name yet. Because this-” Louis pointed to Harry and back to himself, “-this has felt like something more to me for a long time.”

“Same.” Harry smiled softly at him. 

“So, a date” Louis started again. “When are you free?”

***

The date went well. As far as Louis could judge that. They decided on a small restaurant not too far from the club. They ate dinner and talked about anything and everything. 

Some of it was typical first date topics, like their favorite foods and restaurants in the area. Other topics were more advanced dating stuff. After all, they had talked plenty before, so they already knew quite a lot of stuff about one another.

Time flew by and they left the restaurant for a stroll through a nearby park after they had finished eating.

Louis grabbed Harry's hand and after Harry had wiggled his fingers around a bit, he gave Louis’ hand a light squeeze and smiled at him. 

“So, Louis, do you want to come back to my place?” Harry asked eventually.

“Your place?” Louis frowned, “Don’t you live with-”

“I moved out. Three days ago.” Harry interrupted the other man.

“That’s great, Harry. What prompted it, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“It’s fine. It was time, you know. I’m 24.”

“Sorry, we’ll get right back to it, but when’s your birthday? I’ve missed it twice now already.”

“I’m not big on birthdays, so it’s fine, don’t worry. It’s February 2nd. When is yours?”

“December 24th.”

“Christmas Eve, huh. That must be...” Harry paused.

“Yeah, it is. But since most of my friends aren’t celebrating with their families, we usually celebrate both together. It can be quite nice.” Louis smiled. “Okay, so back to you moving out. Where do you live? And do you live alone?”

Harry started swinging their joined hands. “I moved to an apartment in Brooklyn. And I decided to live by myself. Gemma offered to get an apartment together, but I think it’s important that I live alone for a while.”

“I understand that. Moving out is an important step into adulthood. And back to your original question, I’d love to join you back to your place.” Louis pulled Harry back towards himself and kissed him on his cheek, short and sweet. 

Louis could have sworn Harry flinched for a fraction of a second before he started returning Louis' smile. 

***

Harry’s place was not much. Somehow less than Louis had expected. Louis wasn’t disappointed or anything like that, just slightly confused because he had assumed Harry was loaded. Maybe his parents cut him off?

The apartment was a one bedroom with a kitchen and living room in one. Other than that, it only had a small bathroom with a shower, a toilet and a sink. Nothing fancy, nothing big. 

But it was clean and warm, which was more than one could expect from the average apartment in New York. 

When Louis declined the drink Harry offered him, Harry simply shrugged and tugged Louis towards the bedroom with a smile on his lips. 

“Considering that you’re smaller than me, I probably do have some sleeping clothes I can offer you that would actually fit you. But I doubt you’ll be needing them right now.” Harry grinned mischievously at Louis. 

“I agree,” Louis chuckled. He couldn't help but fall in love a bit deeper with every smile or grin directed at himself.

“What do you want?” Louis asked while starting to unbutton his own shirt. 

“I want.. you inside me.” Harry had to think about it for a second. Louis appreciated that Harry didn’t simply answer “you” or “anything”. He always disliked when that happened in movies or books. The point of asking was to find out what one person wanted and whether that was something the other person wanted as well. It also made sure both of them knew where they were heading, so there wouldn’t be any unwanted surprises. 

“I want that, too.” Louis shrugged off his shirt. Harry was slightly behind him in getting undressed, still working on his own shirt buttons. But Louis had had a head start, since his shirt had been only buttoned up a little over halfway to begin with, showing off his chest tattoo.

Once they both stood in their underwear, Harry finally moved towards Louis and ran his fingers gently over the words inked onto his chest. Louis couldn’t help but suck in a sharp breath when Harry’s fingers moved downwards and grazed his nipple. 

Harry simply continued to roam his chest and back with his hands. It felt.. incredible, despite being so simple. It made Louis feel warm all over.. it felt like.. being home. 

When Harry’s fingers slowly pushed underneath the waistband of his underwear, Louis finally couldn’t resist anymore and pulled their bodies flush together.

Just when Louis was about to kiss the other man, he suddenly remembered. Harry had asked him to not kiss or touch his face the last time they met. Fuck, how did he manage to forget this?

His thoughts were racing, going through every moment since they had met today, trying to remember whether he had already fucked up. 

His body must have frozen up because Harry pulled back and gently cradled Louis’ face in his hands. 

“Hey, are you okay?”

“I kissed you. On your cheek. Earlier today. Fuck, I’m so sorry Harry. I forgot. You should have said something afterwards. I thought I saw you flinching away from the contact. I-”

“Hey,” Harry interrupted his rambling gently, “hey, it’s okay. I know you simply forgot. It happens. But you remembered now. I trust you. And even if you forget again, I’ll just remind you. It’s fine.”

“We should talk about this. Now that we’re.. dating. Would you like to do it now or later, after we’ve.. y’know.” Louis wasn’t usually one to become flustered but he couldn't help it right then. And he also didn’t want to ignore that they were both hard already, so talking right now would definitely be a mood killer. The boundaries regarding this had already been set last time. So unless the boundaries changed, they didn’t have to talk about it right this second. 

“Let’s talk later, if you’re sure you’re okay with doing so. Just, same request as before. Try to avoid touching my face for now. Sorry about that.”

“Hey, none of that. You don’t have anything to apologize for. We’ll talk later then. But Harry?” Louis waited until Harry’s eyes met his own, “we will talk about this.” This was important to him. He wanted Harry to be able to talk to him. If they want to be more than just friends with benefits, they need to talk about some topics properly. There was no way around it.

Harry nodded shyly in reply, clearly a bit intimidated by the force in Louis’ voice. 

“Come here,” Louis motioned for Harry to step closer to him again, which the other man did gladly. Louis started kissing Harry’s neck, down his chest and upper stomach. He could hear the other man’s breathing speed up. 

After they had gotten rid of their underwear and had moved to lay on Harry’s bed, Harry made Louis pause for a second.

“Just.. go slow, okay? I haven’t done anything like this since we last.. y’know.”

Louis had already figured as much. “Of course.” He wished he could say the same. But of course he had been with others. All clients, of course, but still. 

Slowly pushing the first finger inside, Louis wished he could record Harry’s tiny gasp. He wanted to be able to hear it over and over again.

When the second finger came into play, Harry started moaning Louis’ name and Louis felt himself grow incredibly close, without actually having been touched yet. 

He continued to prep Harry carefully and thoroughly. Harry didn’t seem to mind at all, lost in the pleasure of three fingers inside him, pushing against his prostate every other thrust.

“I’m so close, Louis, fuck, I’m so close.” Louis was ashamed to admit so was he. 

He pulled his fingers out to put on a condom and quickly lubed himself up, squeezing the base of his dick to try to pull himself back from the edge of coming.

Louis quickly lined himself up against Harry and when the tip of his dick slipped inside, Louis groaned in pleasure. “Fuck, Harry, you feel incredible.” He forced himself to open his eyes and watch the other man’s face for any signs of pain. 

Instead of finding an expression of pleasure or maybe pain on Harry’s face, Harry looked as if he was concentrating hard. 

“Relax, Harry, just relax and let go.” 

“If I relax I will come right this second.” Harry snapped and oh, okay. Louis couldn’t help but giggle which earned him a glare from Harry. 

“Can I go deeper?” Louis checked and when Harry nodded, he continued to push inside the other man steadily until he finally bottomed out. 

Only when Harry told him to move, Louis slowly started pulling out and pushing inside again.

Both men knew they wouldn’t last. It had barely been two minutes, when Louis doubted he’d last another 30 seconds.

His hand reached for Harry dick and started stroking him. He tried to time it with his own thrusting, but failed miserably. 

In the end, it didn’t seem to matter. Harry came with a groan of pleasure and Louis followed as soon as he felt Harry tightening around him. Riding out his orgasm he thrusted into Harry’s right heat a few more times. 

Carefully, Louis pulled out and quickly cleaned Harry up with the corner of a bed sheet before laying down next to him. They both gasped for air and tried to get their breathing back under control. 

Louis couldn’t stop touching Harry’s body. His hands were caressing the other man’s upper body. He gently traced random patterns onto it with his fingers while their breathing slowed down.

At first, he ignored the scar on Harry’s stomach, he pretended it wasn’t there. It was easy to do so, the scar was the most well faded one on Harry’s body. Louis could barely even feel the difference whenever his fingers crossed the scar. 

When Harry didn’t react badly to him touching the scar, he wondered how to bring up the topic of Harry’s scars without upsetting or offending him. 

In the end, Louis simply traced the stomach scar from the top until the part where it went around the belly button. He didn’t go any further, not wanting to get too close to Harry’s happy trail.

While he started tracing it, he asked quietly: “Can I ask?”

Harry’s body tensed up for a second but relaxed again as Louis continued to trace random patterns across his chest.

“Car accident.” Harry mumbled, barely audible.

When Harry didn’t say anything else, Louis simply hummed to signal Harry that he had heard his reply. Louis hoped the other man knew that if he didn’t want to share anything else, this was totally fine. 

When Louis didn’t ask any follow up questions, Harry spoke up again. 

“I was 15. I was in the back of a car when another driver in the opposite lane switched to ours. The cars collided. The woman driving the other car died. I will never know why she switched into the wrong lane. Maybe she was drunk. Maybe she had a heart attack or a stroke. Maybe she wanted to commit suicide and just didn’t care about who was sat in the other car. We will never know why..”

Louis made the decision to not say anything just yet and see how much Harry wanted to share. So instead, he continued the random patterns, hoping the touch would soothe the other man as much as it grounded himself right now. 

“I was in the hospital for two months. They put me in a coma for a couple of days. I.. I had to practice how to walk again. I was stuck in a bed, laying on my back, for the first three weeks and all my muscles receded. So, when I first got up again, I could barely tolerate standing on my feet for more than three seconds because my muscles had shortened so much. I had physical therapy every single day and slowly strengthened my muscles until I could walk again.”

“I broke two vertebraes in my lower back. I had internal bleeding in my colon. I broke my upper arm, twice, squeezing two of the three nerves in my arm between the bone pieces. But the doctors didn’t realize that until several weeks later. So the damage was done and I couldn’t use my arm properly for the next several months, until the two nerves had healed for the most part. I still have issues with it though, as you saw before. But with the tape it’s manageable.”

“The worst part though was that I broke probably like 90% of the bones in my middle face. I lost some teeth. My nose was basically flat. It was bad. No one gave me a mirror for weeks, scared of my reaction to seeing what the car accident had done to my face.”

Harry was quiet for a long time after that. For some reason Louis had the feeling this was the first time Harry had ever told an outsider about the details.

“And then I had all these follow up surgeries. Surgeries to remove metal. Surgeries to relocate my jaw. Bone transplantations. I think I have had like.. 14 surgeries up until now.”

“I say ‘think’, as if I don't know the exact number. But I know how many surgeries I’ve had. It’s 14. Stomach, back, face, arm, face, back, arm, face: relocation of jaw number 1, face: relocation of jaw number 2, face again: this time metal removal and bone transplantation, face again: metal removal, teeth, teeth again, and another face surgery.”

“I’m sorry, that was probably too much information.”

Only then did Louis speak up for the first time since Harry had started sharing. “It wasn’t. I want you to tell me whatever you share with me. If it ever gets too much, I promise that I’ll let you know. But until, if ever, I tell you it’s too much for me to handle, you can tell me anything you want to or need to get off your chest.”

“Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me, H.” Louis didn’t make the conscious decision to call Harry H for the first time. It just.. happened. It felt more.. intimate than ‘Harry’ did. 

Using the nickname made goose bumps appear on the other man’s arms, which Harry tried to hide by rubbing over them with his hands until they disappeared. 

“I want to thank you though. It felt good to say it out loud. And you didn’t interrupt me with any follow up questions in between. That’s what usually happens when I tell people. Well.. those people were always doctors. But anyway.. just.. thank you.”

“You are very welcome. I do have one follow up question though.” Harry’s body immediately tensed up again. Louis wished he didn’t have to bring this up, but there was no way around it.

“The no kissing thing. We promised we’d talk about it later.”

“Right.. sorry, already forgot about that again..” Harry took some deep breaths and Louis draped his arm over the other man’s chest and buried his face in the crook of Harry’s neck. He figured it would be easier for the other man if Louis wasn’t directly looking at him. 

But it was also easier for Louis. This way he didn’t have to pay attention to his emotions showing on his face. He wasn’t sure what Harry would tell him, considering what he had told him so far… Louis couldn’t even find a word to describe it. It was terrible, shocking, and he felt sorry for the other man, that he had to go through that all. But he knew Harry well enough to know he didn’t want to be pitied. But it was hard not to. Not when Harry was clearly still struggling with what had happened.

“So.. eh- during my last face surgery, they must have damaged a nerve in a way it wasn’t damaged before. Like.. ever since the accident, part of my face has been numb. The feeling never came back, just like it never came back in my arm. But it’s not completely numb. It’s more like… numb to simple touch but extremely sensitive to what would normally just feel uncomfortable or hurt a tiny bit. If I, like, pinch my cheeks, I have to grind my teeth because it hurts so badly. And whenever they pull the stitches in my mouth after face surgery, I cry because it’s like the worst pain I have ever felt, even though usually you don't even feel stitches getting pulled or maybe you’ll experience slight discomfort. But it’s not supposed to hurt this badly.”

“So yeah, but I’m used to that, more or less. And then they damaged a nerve in this last surgery. And now my skin feels like it's on fire.. all the time. It doesn’t stop. And there’s nothing I can do to make it stop. Except for taking nerve numbing pain meds. But those have really bad side effects. So they’re not worth it. It’s been like.. two months now. So my brain has mostly started to block out the permanent burning sensation. But whenever something touches those parts of my face, the pain flares up and yeah…”

“So that’s why I asked you not to touch my face for now. Cause that was easier than explaining all this one time and expecting you to remember exactly what parts of my face you can touch and which ones you can’t. Even my doctors can’t remember and I’ve told them several times.” Harry let out a weak chuckle that vibrated through his chest. 

“Also, if you don’t know what to say to this, it’s totally fine. Don’t worry about it. I know I just dropped a lot of information on you at once.”

Sadly Harry was right. Louis really wasn’t sure what to reply to that. It sucked. He had so many questions: Will it stay like this? What are the chances it’ll go back to it simply being numb instead of feeling like it burns? What exactly was the area that hurt? Could he touch the other parts of Harry’s face?

Louis then realized he had been quiet for too long.

“I know it’s the most cliché thing to say, but I’m so sorry this happened to you. All of it. I can’t even imagine..”

This time it was Harry who rubbed soothing circles into Louis’ back while Louis talked. 

They just stayed like that for a while, Louis with his face still buried in Harry’s neck, half laying on the other man, and Harry rubbing circles into Louis' skin on his back and eventually they both drifted off to sleep. 

Chapter 7: Mid of December

They had exchanged phone numbers the morning after their last meeting and ended up texted every day, sharing parts of their day with the other one. 

Their second date went by and they simply enjoyed spending time together. They went to the cinema, settling on a romantic comedy that wasn’t as good as they had hoped. Nevertheless they had a lovely time.

For the third date, Harry cooked for him at Louis’ place. Harry had been wanting to meet Clifford so Louis suggested simply hanging out at his place and then Harry had insisted on cooking for him. 

Clifford was enthusiastic to meet Harry, but then again, when had Clifford ever not been happy to meet one of Louis’ friends. Clifford loves people who are willing to give him a cuddle. 

Louis helped but Harry’s cooking skills were much more advanced and he felt foolish cutting the pepper into pieces when he saw Harry chopping the onion so professionally. 

They laughed a lot and when Harry deglazed the sauted onions and seared ground beef with red wine, Louis got out two wine glasses for them. 

“Eh-” Harry scratched his head. “I don’t drink.”, he then added quickly. 

And Louis was speechless for a moment. It was moments like these that made both of them realize that they actually hadn’t known each other for that long yet, despite first meeting well over a year ago.

“Okay..”, he replied once his brain started working again and put both wine glasses away. 

“But you can drink. I don’t mind. I like the taste of red wine. Otherwise I wouldn't have put it into the tomato sauce, obviously.” Harry smiled at him. 

“I’m confused.. Why don’t you drink if you like the taste?”

“I’m straight edge. When I was 14 I heard about this.. movement, one can call it, I guess. It originated in a part of the punk scene that doesn’t drink alcohol, doesn’t smoke cigarettes and doesn’t do any other kind of drugs. Some people extend it to no caffeine or to living vegan. And since I’ve never felt comfortable around drunk people, I decided that I want to live my life like that. And after the accident.. I took so many drugs over the years. I was high a lot.. on the drugs prescribed by the doctors! And I just.. I don’t want to change - weaken or enhance - my feelings about experiences I make if I have another choice. I want to experience exactly what’s happening.”

“That sounds.. reasonable,” Louis laughed and Harry joined him. 

“Yeah, but it’s not a problem if you want to drink. Just.. please, don’t ever blame me for something you do when under the influence simply because I was sober and should have stopped you from doing it. And before you say anything, it’s not that I think you would do that. I’m just saying that because of some past experiences I have had. Also, one last thing that you should know about me regarding the topic of drinking and drugs: people often blame their stupid actions of the night on the alcohol they drank. But I don't see it that way. If someone decides to drink, then all their actions are their own responsibility, because it was their decision to get that drunk. Of course this doesn’t apply when someone is drugged or when the actions require consent and the person wasn’t able to give consent anymore, because they were too drunk or too high.”

“Wow.. you’ve clearly thought about this a lot.” Louis was impressed and felt slightly guilty. He, too, had blamed stuff he had done on having been drunk. But.. the more he thought about it, Harry was right. 

“Yeah, I have,” Harry chuckled. 

***

The pasta tasted amazing. Louis had a glass of wine with dinner, Harry didn’t. They smiled a lot and Louis made Harry blush several times, which he counted as an accomplishment. 

That night, they did what Louis would consider as ‘making love’ for the first time. The previous times it was always more about the physical aspect of it. That evening, however, it was all about the emotional connection. It felt intense, being so close to another person physically while gazing into their eyes.

The pleasure increased with time as Louis slowly thrusted into Harry, both panting and moaning into each other's faces. Louis came first but Harry was quick to follow when Louis pulled out only to scoot down on the bed and quickly inserted two lubed up fingers and rubbed right against his prostate. 

There was really no other word to describe it but as intense and also, sort of, as new. Louis never understood why some people called sex ‘making love’. But that night he learned why; he experienced it first hand. 

They fell asleep with Louis’ head on Harry’s chest, Harry’s left arm draped over Louis’ back. 

***

Later that night, Louis woke up alone in his bed. The sheets next to him were cold. 

His heartbeat immediately sped up. A tiny voice in his head screamed that Harry had left him and the possible rejection made his heart skip a beat. 

Harry wouldn’t do that.. would he?

Turning on the bedside night light, Louis got up. He quickly pulled on some briefs and a shirt.

The kitchen was dark and empty. The kitchen had been Louis’ first guess. He had figured that Harry wasn’t able to sleep for some reason so he would have picked up one of Louis’ books and made himself comfortable in his kitchen. 

When he turned down the hallway, he saw light underneath the bathroom door. Immediately Louis was able to breathe easier again. He had never really doubted Harry, but Louis was only human after all. 

Knocking gently on the door twice, Louis quietly called out for the other man. 

“Harry? Everything alright?” His voice was raspy from sleep.

He heard movement on the other side of the door. 

“Yeah.. just a nosebleed.” Harry’s voice was muffled. 

Louis had gotten nosebleeds as a child quite often. Since he wasn't appalled by blood, he offered: “Do you want me to come in? I can put a wet rag on your neck or something?”

Harry was quiet for a long time and he heard the faucet being turned on for a bit before he heard an ‘okay’ and the door was opened from the inside. 

Harry was bent over the sink, holding tissues to his nose. The bin was opened next to him and Louis could see some bloody tissues already laying inside it. 

So the nosebleed had been going on for a while, Louis figured, which also explained the coldness of the sheets next to him. 

Harry had already put a wet rag on his neck, but Louis quickly snatched it to run it under cold water again. The coldness would hopefully make the blood vessels tighten and stop the bleeding. The sink was spotted with small splatters of blood that Harry apparently had missed when he must have rushed to clean up before allowing Louis to enter. 

Once he had placed the rag back on Harry’s neck, he soothingly ran his hand down over the other man’s naked back. It was wet. He was sweating and as Louis was becoming more awake with every minute passing, he realized Harry’s breathing was sped up. 

He grabbed some more tissues and handed them to Harry, who exchanged them quickly and threw the now blood-soaked tissues into the bin. Harry wasn’t quick enough and another drop of blood fell into the porcelain white sink. 

Harry kept his eyes focused on himself in the mirror. 

Louis couldn’t help but start counting Harry’s breath. As someone who had experienced panic attacks himself he couldn’t stop himself from doing this when he noticed someone was under distress. 

Harry’s breathing was speeding up. 

Louis put his hand back on the other man’s back to rub soothingly over it, but Harry quickly shrugged him off, his eyes not moving from his reflection in the mirror. 

“Hey, it’s just a nosebleed, love, you’ll be alright.” The pet name slipped out for the first time without Louis even noticing. 

When Harry tensed up even more, Louis realized that he had said the wrong thing though. 

“Did you often get nosebleeds as a kid?” Louis inquired. 

“Only sometimes. Mostly during winter when the air was too dry.”

“So did I... Did the bleeding slow down yet at all?”

“Not sure,” Harry mumbled in reply. 

“How long has it been going on?” Louis continued to ask, trying to figure out why Harry was so tense. It was just a nosebleed, after all, totally common. 

“Fifteen minutes.”

That was rather long for a nosebleed, Louis figured.

“Can I do anything else for you?” Louis offered while handing Harry new tissues to exchange the ones he was currently holding against his nose again. Harry didn’t seem like he wanted company. Not really. He certainly didn’t want any physical contact. 

"Distract me. Tell me something. Anything,” Harry prompted and apparently he did want company after all. 

“Have I ever told you how I ended up working where I work?” Louis asked, knowing full well that he hadn't shared that part of his past with Harry yet.

“You don't have to tell me about your past or explain yourself for doing what you do. That's why I never asked. Not because I’m not interested in everything about you but because it’s 100% your decision whether you want to tell me. And it is 100% okay if you choose to not share that with me.”

This right there was why Louis was slowly but steadily falling for the other man. He had never met someone this insightful and empathetic.

Louis handed Harry new tissues, noticing that the bleeding was thankfully starting to slow down. 

While Louis talked he kept handing Harry new tissues every few minutes or so. 

He told Harry about how he ended up living on the streets when he was 13 years old, how his mother died when he was only 12 years old and how his step father threw him out after catching him wearing his mother’s high heels and trying on her dresses. He told him how it was impossible to get by by begging alone and how eventually he met older boys who told him how to make more money. He told Harry about meeting Zayn and losing him again. He told him about meeting Liam, who then introduced him to the club where he had met Harry. Louis ended his story with how he and Zayn reunited after a couple of years and him getting Zayn a job at the club as a dancer.

Louis just kept talking until Harry’s nose bleeding eventually stopped. He helped Harry clean up the blood from the sink and soaked the blood stained towels and rags in a bucket with water. He will wash those tomorrow. 

As they made their way back to the bedroom, Harry grabbed for his hand, making Louis stop and turn around to look at him. The physical contact immediately relieved some of the tension that had accumulated in Louis’ body. 

“Thank you.” Harry sincerely said. 

“You’re welcome, love.” The term of endearment slipped from Louis’ lips yet again without thinking about it. This time, Harry blushed upon hearing it. Maybe he hadn’t heard it earlier, too focused on the other things Louis had said. 

They cuddled back into the blankets and this time it was Harry seeking body contact. 

Louis played with the other man’s hair, as his head was laying on his chest. 

He pondered whether now was the time to ask why Harry had freaked over a nosebleed. He feared if he didn’t ask right then, it would be weird to bring up later. However, he also didn’t want to make Harry upset again. Louis felt torn.

“Harry?”

“Hmm?” Harry sleepily replied. He already sounded half asleep, and Louis felt a bit bad for bringing it up now. However, Harry would be more likely to reply in this tired state of mind. 

“Can you not tolerate seeing blood?” Louis decided to ease into the topic. 

Harry grumbled something incoherently in response before sighing and sitting up. 

“No, I don’t have a problem with blood, neither with my own nor with someone else’s.”

Interpreting Harry sitting up as his willingness to talk about it, Louis probed: “Then why did you almost have a panic attack about having a nosebleed?” He figured Harry could always say he didn't want to talk about it, if that was the case. 

“Because one time it didn’t stop.”

When Harry didn’t offer any further explanation, Louis inquired further. “What do you mean ‘it didn’t stop’?”

“I mean exactly that. It didn’t stop. It didn’t ease up. One time I woke up in the middle of the night, just like tonight, and after spending over an hour alone in the bathroom with a heavy nosebleed, I woke up my parents and they drove me to the hospital. It was.. traumatizing. I couldn’t breathe properly anymore. See, I was panicking so I breathed in blood that was partly pouring out of my nose but also running down my throat. And the blood started to clot and it was in my airway. And as breathing became more difficult with time, my panic only got worse. The doctor in the ER pulled out the clotted blood and it was so disgusting and also frightening because I couldn’t breathe at all for a few seconds. But afterwards, I could breathe normally again, luckily. Also, I lost so much blood that night.. It felt surreal. They had to put in tamponades. Not a very nice feeling,” Harry chuckled weakly. “My mom almost fainted because I was so white from the blood loss and the whole situation in general. It was.. a terrible night. Had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days. That was in.. 2015, I think. Just after Christmas and before New Years.”

“That’s.. terrible. I’m so sorry, Harry. Now I definitely understand why you were so shaken up earlier… At that moment, I just wasn’t sure what to tell you to help you calm down. Whatever I said only made you tense up more. So for any future nosebleeds, I figured I’d just ask now so I’d know better if it happens again.”

“Yeah.. that’s actually very considerate of you, Louis, thank you for always being so.. just being there for me, I guess. And I just don’t really like being touched when I’m upset, I guess.”

“Okay, that’s good to know as well. I’ll remember that from now on. And I’m glad to be there for you. Anytime.” Louis tried to catch the other man’s gaze but it was focused on the bed sheets Harry was fidgeting with.

“Okay, now let’s sleep. I’m exhausted.” Louis added and Harry gave him a quick smile before laying back down on his chest again. 

When Louis simply laid there, not doing anything, Harry cleared his throat.

“Can you.. play with my hair for a while, maybe? Feels nice.”

“Such a needy boyfriend,” Louis joked but complied right away, happy to touch Harry, even if it was just his hair and scalp. 

It didn’t take long for Harry’s breathing to even out and Louis soon followed him to sleep.

Chapter 8: December 2021 (a few days later)

Zayn had gone missing. He hadn’t shown up for any of his shifts at the club for the past week. When he didn’t show up for the second time, Louis had gone to his place after work but no one opened the door.

Louis felt guilty because he had been so focussed on Harry lately, that he hadn’t noticed that something was going on with Zayn. 

When he went over to Zayn’s place the second time, one of his roommates opened the door. Zayn hadn’t been at the apartment in over three weeks. At least not to the knowledge of Ben, who assured Louis he would ask their other roommates if they had seen him and that he would contact Louis if someone had seen him. 

Ben texted him two days later, saying that Michael told him that Zayn had apparently met someone willing to pay him to live with him. 

Louis wanted to cry and scream at the same time. He thought he had taught Zayn better than that. But apparently he hadn’t. And he hadn’t been there the past few weeks to stop this from happening, he had been too focused on his own relationship. Louis had sworn himself he’d never be that guy, the one who’d forget about all his friends as soon as he entered a relationship, but apparently he was that kind of guy now. 

Harry, of course, noticed his bad mood. But Louis didn’t want to talk. Zayn disappearing and probably living with a client of his made memories come back that Louis had tried very hard to forget over the years. 

One day, eight days after Louis had last seen Zayn. He was doing the dishes when suddenly arms wrapped around his waist from behind. Louis recoiled and spinned around, fear pulsing through his veins all of a sudden. His hands were still wet from the dishwater and were now dripping onto the floor.

Harry immediately pulled back and a worried look formed on his face. His brows furrowed.

“Sorry,” Louis apologized right away. “I.. I just..” Louis sighed. 

“Fuck,” Louis’ hands moved to rub over his face before he remembered they were still wet. So, he let his hands drop down again. His whole body was on alarm and all his muscles were tense, ready to fight (or to run).

“Is it something I did?” Harry said quietly and Louis mentally cursed himself for making Harry think that. 

“No. No, Harry, it has nothing to do with you.” He sighed again. “Fuck..”

“Then what is it? Please talk to me, Louis. I feel like you can barely stand to look at me. Did something happen? What’s wrong?”

“I… It’s.. Zayn is missing. According to one of his roommates he has gone to live with someone he met through work.. a client. And I’m just.. I’m so fucking worried about him.”

“Oh.. I’m so sorry, Louis. Why didn’t you tell me? Maybe we can somehow find out which client he has gone with?”

“I tried.. I  tried that. And found nothing.” Louis sighed. He was so very close to crying.

“Come on, let’s sit on the couch for a bit. The dishes can wait.” Harry grabbed the dish towel and carefully dried Louis’ hands for him. The two small puddles of water that had dripped from his hands just stayed on the white kitchen floor tiles; neither man could be bothered to wipe them up. 

They sat down on the couch next to each other, Harry pulling Louis so he’d sit right next to him. Harry grabbed Louis’ hands with his own and gave them a gentle squeeze before starting to play with the other man’s fingers.

“Wh-”, Louis' voice did that weird squeaky thing so he cleared his throat before he tried again. “When I was 17 years old I met this guy, Asher, who offered me a warm place to stay . It was December. Winter was just starting and spending all the long winter months on the streets, especially January and February was tough. I had done that only once before. The other years I was lucky and had found a youth shelter where I could stay at. But at those shelters they gave away the sleeping spots to the youngest first. And being 17 I was very unlikely to still get a spot. And I panicked. Spending the nights in subway stations was scary. There were lots of unpredictable drug addicts and drunk people looking to pick a fight. Also, the humidity inside the subway stations makes you catch a cold real quick. And no one wants to hook up with a teen with a runny nose. So.. when that man offered me a place to stay, I said yes. I figured, I could always leave if it got weird or if I didn’t feel safe.”

Louis paused to put his thoughts in order. He wasn’t sure how much detail he was willing to share. But he also felt obliged to share some parts, considering Harry had shared a lot of his own past trauma with him. And Harry had obviously also struggled with opening up towards him. So Louis felt like it was the fair thing to do. 

Harry never stopped toying with his fingers. He was simply playing around with the rings on them, stroking single fingers or the back of his hand. It felt nice, soothing. 

“Asher was a little over 30, I think. I obviously never saw an ID... At first, I thought he wanted to live there with me. But it was my own apartment, where I lived by myself. Asher simply came over every other evening to.. y’know.”

Louis' voice broke and he whispered the next part. “I think he was married. And the days he wasn’t with me.. I think he had another boy as well. I thought it was just a normal apartment block.. but it wasn’t. Every person that lived there was..” he cleared his throat again and said the next part a bit louder. “They were all like me.”

Harry had stopped playing with his hands but Louis couldn’t bring himself to look up. He couldn’t bear it if Harry was looking disgusted right now. Because that’s what he was. He was disgusting. Deciding it was now or never and that Harry had the right to know about it, so he could make up his mind whether he still wanted to be with Louis, Louis continued. 

“At first it was actually okay. Asher acted like a boyfriend. He blindfolded me on the way there, saying he wanted me to be surprised. In hindsight that should have sent me running in the opposite direction of the guy, but back then I thought it was cute. The apartment was small but lovely. I had a warm place and Asher brought me groceries etc. He even brought me books so I wasn’t bored. I always cooked for us and he’d act all coupley, even when I did the dishes afterwards.” Harry sat up straight, hands still gripping Louis’, and Louis knew he now had understood what had happened in the kitchen earlier. ”And I didn’t have to work every single night like I did on the streets. For the first time since I started, I had time to take a breath and think about what I was doing.”

“Eventually, I came to the realization that I was insane for doing what I was doing, and I wanted out. And.. I made the mistake of telling Asher instead of just leaving. Asher.. he.. he just freaked.. we had a huge fight and… in the end.. he just left and locked me inside the apartment without leaving me a key.”

Harry’s grip on his hands tightened. 

“I tried to flee and that’s how I found out that the whole building had security. Security, that made sure we couldn’t. There were no balconies and the windows didn’t open. But even if they had opened, I don’t think I would have jumped. The air cons of the apartments were connected though, and that’s how I found out that the two boys living on either side of my apartment were in the same situation. The boy on my left was also there with a guy named Asher. And whenever Asher visited me, he wouldn’t visit my neighbor and the other way around, so we figured it was the same guy.”

Louis wasn’t sure if he could continue. His thoughts were spiraling and flashes, pictures, of back then appeared on his mind for a split second before vanishing again. He couldn’t make any of the pictures stay, they just came and left, leaving no real memory, only a tight feeling in his chest. It was getting more difficult to breathe and to stay in the present. 

He must have been quiet for too long, because Harry gently squeezed his right hand and said, barely louder than a whisper: “How did you get out?”

“I.. I wish I could say that I managed to escape. But the truth is”, Louis chuckled, “Asher grew sick of me. I wasn’t eating anymore and I had lost a lot of weight. After fighting and losing to him a few times, I just.. I just stopped putting up a fight. It hurt less if I just submitted… so that’s what I did. And apparently Asher grew sick of it, sick of me, because one day I woke up back in New York. He must have driven me back here after I passed out the night before..”

“I.. I don’t know what to say, I’m so sorry this happened to you.” Harry spoke up and Louis felt his heart drop to his stomach, thinking Harry wanted nothing to do with him anymore, until he felt Harry pulling him into a hug. Harry gripped him tight and Louis felt the tightness from his chest starting to disappear. After about half a minute, the other man pulled back a bit, kissed Louis’ forehead, before moving back into the embrace. 

Louis buried his face into the crook of the other man’s neck. 

They stayed like that for a while. Harry didn’t say anything else and even though he was still hugging him, Louis’ thoughts were running wild. 

Maybe Harry just felt forced not to leave right now. He probably felt disgusted by him, knowing that Louis had been used like that before. Harry would probably want to break up. Harry deserves someone better anyway. 

Louis eventually pulled away. He felt like he was contaminating Harry with his own touch. As if him touching Harry, would make Harry feel disgusting as well. 

Looking at the floor in front of him, Louis spoke up. “I understand if you want to leave now. I should have told you before we started this. I’m sorry. I won’t make you waste any more time on me.”

“What are you talking about?” Harry sounded genuinely confused. “Louis,” he reached for his hand. “I’m not leaving you. I’m really, so incredibly sorry that happened to you. I wish I could change it. You didn’t deserve that. No one does. You were just a teenager. You can’t blame yourself for going with Asher. I don’t know what I would have done in your situation. You had to make an impossible decision while being in a terrible situation.”

Louis didn’t know what to say so he kept staring at the floor. Eventually Harry continued. 

“If we were in a movie I would probably say something like: ‘All that matters is that you survived and that you got out.’ But I know it’s not that easy. Sometimes you go through something terrible and yes, you survive it physically, but internally it leaves you broken into so many pieces it feels impossible to ever be whole again. Frankly, it leaves you wishing you were dead.” Harry paused before continuing.

“You probably know the ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ quote. I never understood that. I was stronger before the car accident. Both physically and mentally. The accident almost killed me. And to this day I still wish it had. It would have saved me so much pain. I get triggered by the smallest things sometimes. I still feel broken and unfixable. Some days are good days, sure, but I still think about what happened to me every single day, several times a day. There’s this song by Bring Me The Horizon that has the lyrics ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you wish you were dead’ and ‘What doesn’t destroy you, leaves you broken instead’. And I don’t know how it is for you but I agree more with those lyrics than with the famous quote ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. I feel like everybody who says that has never experienced something that actually could have killed them. I’m definitely not stronger nowadays..” Louis could hear Harry taking a deep breath.

“Anyway, sorry for making this about me. I just don’t want to be a hypocrite and tell you how proud of you I am for surviving until today when I don’t know how much you’ve struggled and how often you have longed to not be struggling anymore. I don’t want to make you feel like I do, whenever people tell me how great they think it is, that I fought so strongly and bravely to recover after my accident. I may not have experienced your exact kind of pain. But I surely have experienced enough pain to be able to understand that you’re struggling and this is something you’re always going to have in the back of your mind. It’s not something you can just get over and move on from. I understand that because it’s the same for me. I will always be here for you, to support you however I can. I will always listen to you. Whether it’s ranting or crying or sobbing or complaining. I am here. You are not alone.”

Louis felt something wet drop on his arm. He hadn’t even realized he started crying. Until just now, he had no idea how much he needed to hear that it’s okay to still be struggling after so many years. And that it’s okay to not be over it yet. That maybe there wouldn’t be a “getting over it” and that that was okay too.

Chapter 9: Christmas 2021 until January 2022

With both Louis’ birthday and Christmas coming up, they talked about how they would celebrate both.

Liam and a couple of his other friends always threw Louis an early birthday party. His friend circle didn’t want to celebrate his birthday and Christmas in one, so they usually celebrated Louis’ birthday a bit early. It was tradition for them. 

When Louis offered to introduce Harry to his friends, Harry declined shyly before explaining his reasons. While Louis was sad that Harry didn’t want to join his early birthday party, he also understood that it would indeed have been quite stressful for Harry to meet his friends for the first time when celebrating his boyfriend’s birthday. It would have been a lot of pressure for them to get along, since they wouldn’t want to ruin Louis’ day.

They then unanimously decided that it was too early in their relationship to spend Christmas and therefore also Louis’ actual birthday together. So, they decided that Harry would spend Christmas with his sister at their parents’ place and Louis would go to his annual christmas-get-together with his friends. 

That didn’t mean though that they didn’t spend over an hour on the phone on Louis’ birthday. Louis also received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Harry.

But because of this, they didn’t see each other from December 24th to December 28th.

Not that much happened except for Zayn reappearing. He just came by the club again, showing up for his shift. Everyone freaked and Liam (gently) hit him for disappearing like that. Zayn explained that he met someone who he thought he was in love with. But they only wanted sex, which Zayn had noticed within four weeks of living together so he left them.

Louis felt stupid for having worried so much when Zayn was clearly fine. But Harry reassured him that it was understandable, especially considering Louis’ own experience. 

Basically, they were all just incredibly happy to have Zayn back. 

Louis and Harry reunited three days before New Years Eve, which they were planning on spending together with both Harry’s sister and Louis’ friends, throwing a party at Louis’ place. 

On December 28th, Louis knocked on Harry’s door, and the other man opened it with a wide grin on his face. “Hey there. Come on in.”

“Hey, you seem very happy.” Louis greeted the other man while stepping inside and taking his jacket off. 

“Maybe I am.” Harry said a bit mischievously. He impatiently waited for Louis to put his jacket down before taking Louis’ hand and pulling him towards the couch. Gently, Harry pushed Louis to sit down and then promptly climbed onto his lap. Louis had missed Harry too, of course, but this was a bit random, especially considering how wide Harry was grinning. There was no romantic build up first. There was no heat behind the action.

Harry leaned in and pecked Louis on the lips. He pulled back, grinning once again before leaning back in and properly kissing Louis. 

Louis was too.. shocked?, surprised? to kiss the other man back right away. His brain was still trying to figure out what was happening. 

Once his brain caught up he immediately pulled away. 

“Your lip!”

“It’s numb, it’s numb again.” A giggle escaped Harry’s mouth. “My lip finally doesn't burn anymore. The nerves finally calmed down”, Harry explained before diving back in for another kiss

”I can kiss you again. Finally.” Harry exclaimed and sighed happily in between kisses. 

This time Louis kissed his boyfriend back. 

It would be an understatement to say they only kissed for the next hour. 

***

Planning the New Years Eve party together with Harry, it became rather obvious that Harry had plenty of money, while Louis didn’t. 

Harry didn’t exclusively pick the cheapest groceries and chose the more expensive napkins and so on. Harry paid without asking Louis to split the costs or whatever, which made Louis slightly uncomfortable. 

Louis was also very aware that the end of the semester was looming in the not so distant future. And he needed money for the semester fees. 

But he was in a serious relationship now.. So later that day, Louis forced himself to bring it up so they could talk about it. Y’know, like grown-ups are supposed to do. 

They were sitting on the couch, watching the new episode of Drag Race (Louis had forced Harry to watch it with him because he loves it and now Harry was hooked as well). 

Once the episode was over, Louis thought it was now or never. He hit pause on the tv. 

“Harry?”

“Hmm?” Harry turned around to look at him. 

“So.. the semester is ending soon and I’m going to need to pay the semester fees soon-ish…” Louis wasn’t sure whether he had to spell it out for the other man. But he hoped Harry would catch on by himself.

Harry looked confused for a second but then Louis could see the realization hit him. 

“Oh.. Oh! Eh..” 

“Indeed.. in the past I always started working the back room again around this time.”

“I could-” Harry started but Louis already knew where this was going. 

“No, Harry, please don’t offer that. I wouldn’t feel comfortable accepting that. It wouldn’t be right.” 

“But I really wouldn’t mind-”

“I know, Harry, I know. But it would feel like you’d be paying me for my company. And I need this to be real. This.. this just needs to be real.”

“Would you please let me finish?” Harry chuckled. 

“Yes, I’m sorry.” 

“Alright. So since you asked me not to offer anything, I won’t. But I want you to know that it’s up to you. It’s your life and your decision. And even if only for now, you choose to continue this line of work, you can still change your mind later on. Just let me know. And the conditions would be however you want and need them to be. But I also knew this would come up eventually. This is how I met you, after all. I never expected you to change your line of work because of me. And even if you do decide you want out of that line of work eventually, this-” Harry gestured to the two of them “-this is real. What we have right here is real. We’re boyfriends. I am with you because I like you. Nothing will change that.”

Louis sighed. Harry was too good to be true sometimes. He leaned forward and kissed his very real boyfriend.

***

A couple days later, Harry was cooking in the kitchen while Louis finished up an essay for one of his classes. 

As usual, Harry was listening to music and humming, sometimes even singing, along. He seemed to be in a very good mood lately. 

When they were eating, Harry was clearly distracted by something. Louis waited for him to share what was keeping his mind busy but when Harry didn’t say anything, Louis eventually broke the peaceful quiet they had eaten in. 

“Anything on your mind right now, love?”

Harry was startled. He was quiet for a few seconds, clearly pondering whether he wanted to share what was on his mind. 

“Yes, but it’s incredibly cheesy so I don’t know how you’ll react.” And if that didn't pique Louis’ interest..

“You know I love cheesy,” Louis replied, growing more curious by the second. 

“I do know that. But the thing is, I kinda actually mean it?”

“Even better then, isn’t it?”

“Okay, here it goes. But I’ve warned you, alright,” Harry chuckled. “The band we’ve been listening to during dinner tonight is called twenty one pilots. And I hadn't listened to them in months until today. And earlier, when I was cooking in the kitchen, their song ‘guns for hands’ started playing. And it has these lyrics that just made me think about you..”

So far this did nothing to satisfy Louis’ curiosity.

“Well, don’t stop there now. What are the lyrics?”

Harry sighed and covered his face with his hands, clearly embarrassed. Then, he quietly sang: “ ‘I used to say I want to die before I’m old, but because of you I might think twice’.”

Louis was speechless. That was.. cute? But also sad. But also really fucking cute. 

When Louis didn’t say anything Harry peeked out from behind his hands and revealed his blushed face. 

“Do you really feel that way about me?” 

“Yes?”

“That sounded like a question.”

“Yes. My physical health is shit, so, I always thought I’d just kill myself when it starts becoming even shittier eventually. That’s probably gonna be when I’m around 35-, 40-ish. But spending so much time with you.. it makes me reconsider.” Harry paused before quickly adding: “Not that I think we’ll grow old together. I know we haven’t been dating that long yet.. I just.. I don't know. The thought of spending my days with someone as awesome as you, makes growing old seem like a possibility again.”

“Harry, “ Louis started, still searching for the right words. “I love you.” Louis blurted out and only realized what he said after he said it. It had been on his mind for over a month now. Usually he was so eloquent and had perfect timing. But Harry seemed to often make him just blurt stuff out. Louis remembered how he had blurted out “Go out with me?” instead of properly asking Harry out that very first time. 

“You do?” Harry’s face lit up, eyes shining and the skin around them slightly crinkled from his wide grin, cheeks still rosé from the fading blush. “I love you, too, Louis. In case the song lyrics didn’t already give that away.”

Chapter 10: February 7th 2022

Louis was on his way to work when he got a message from Harry. They hadn’t texted the day prior, both having been busy, so Louis smiled as he clicked on the message to open it. 

Harry, 17:52

I’m kinda in the hospital. My stomach hurts really badly and yeah. I’m spending the night here, so I can’t meet tomorrow. Don’t know when I’m getting out.

I’m really high now and I can’t think of another way to tell you about this. But don’t worry :* I’ll be fine. Might have surgery tonight or if it’s not necessary right now, in a couple of weeks. 

Also the reception is very bad so no idea when you’ll get this <3

Fuck..

Louis' stopped walking and kinda just froze up. What was he supposed to do? He wanted to see Harry. He had to make sure he was okay. On the other hand, Harry was probably well taken care of in a hospital. 

Louis, 18:06

Is there anything I can do for you? Do you need anything? Clothes, bathroom articles, books, anything at all?

Harry, 18:07

Nah, I took everything I will need with me this morning before I went to the emergency room. 

Thank you for offering though <3 I really appreciate that.

Here is Gemma’s number.. just in case

*contact: Gemma*

Louis immediately saved the number into his phone. He tried his best to ignore why exactly Harry deemed it necessary to give him his sister's number right now. 

Harry’s text implied that he had gone to the emergency room this morning already expecting to have to stay there. Otherwise he wouldn’t have all the stuff he will need. 

Sometimes it was hard for Louis to grasp how much experience his boyfriend had with hospitals. Louis wouldn’t even know what to take, except for some clothes and the bathroom essentials. 

Louis, 18:08

Can I visit you tomorrow?

Harry, 18:15

Tbh I don’t really like visits while I’m in the hospital.. Time goes by quicker when I’m just reading or listening to music… I’m sorry

Louis, 18:16

That’s okay. You’re the one in the hospital, so it’s whatever you want!

Harry, 18:16

Thank you for understanding <3

Louis, 18:17

How is the pain right now? Did they give you the good stuff?

Harry, 18:17

Yesss, it’s okay. I’ll live haha

Obviously Louis had already noticed how Harry often dealt with his trauma by making jokes about it. Yet it still made him feel slightly uncomfortable.

Louis didn’t know what else to say so he simply sent a heart emoji back. 

A car honking on the street pulled Louis back into the now. Right, he was on his way to work. He was scheduled to dance in two hours and he knew he had a client booked for later today.

Louis wished he could call in sick or something.. but he couldn’t. Not on such short notice. Also, he really needed the money. He had already procrastinated the taking-clients-part for the past two weeks. It felt weird to know he would sleep with other men while being in a serious relationship. It felt even weirder knowing that his boyfriend knew and was okay with it. 

***

Somehow, Louis got through the night. He couldn’t remember much the next morning because he had a few too many drinks the previous night. The thought of having to sleep with another man just didn’t seem tolerable without getting drunk first.

Nevertheless, the soreness of his body the next morning reminded him that he definitely had had sex with someone last night. 

Louis grabbed his phone right after waking up and sent a quick “How are you doing this morning?” to Harry. 

He then showered thoroughly to rid himself of the alcohol sweated out through his pores before making himself breakfast. 

He had his phone unmuted, something he never did. He was nervous to hear from Harry. Maybe they could at least talk on the phone later. Maybe, if Louis heard Harry’s voice he would believe him that he was doing okay. 

So Louis quickly sent another text, asking if they could chat on the phone.

Harry replied two hours later. 

I’m okay. I’m in a lot of pain tbh. But the doctors can’t really do much but wait. The surgery is too high a risk for now. So they’re trying to help me without performing surgery. 

And yeah, call me when you have time. 

Louis called him right away. 

“Harry..” Louis could hear Harry breathing into the microphone and felt like crying because he was so relieved to hear the other man. 

“Hey,” Harry said. 

“Do you need anything? Or is there anything I can do?”

“Thank you but I really do have everything. Gemma could also bring me anything I might need.”

“Okay. But please don’t hesitate to ask me for anything at all.”

“Thank you, Louis.”

Louis felt like crying. Harry sounded… weak. His voice was so quiet and he wasn’t making any jokes and Louis just wanted to see him. 

“I hope you get better soon.” Louis said for lack of something better to say. He just wasn’t ready to hang up yet. 

“Thanks.” There were sounds and voices in the background. 

“I gotta go now, Louis. I’ll text you when I know more. Bye!”

“Bye, love” Louis whispered into the phone, only getting the beeping in reply, since the call had already been disconnected.

***

Harry didn’t seem to get any better. Quite the opposite actually. The few times they talked on the phone for a minute or two, Harry’s voice was strained and he sounded terrible. 

Louis knew Harry was in worse pain than he let on. He just hoped that he at least told the doctors that he was in much pain so he’d get stronger pain meds. 

According to Harry those first few days, the doctors still hadn’t decided whether he would need surgery or not. 

Harry went to the hospital on Monday. On Thursday he texted Louis to let him know he would have surgery as soon as a surgery room was available. Louis felt relieved knowing that Harry would have surgery soon. The surgery would hopefully make that pain go away. But of course he was also worried. Harry had already had so many surgeries. And every surgery held a certain risk. 

***

It wasn’t until friday night /saturday morning that Harry finally texted him to let him know that he was about to have surgery. 

Harry, 02:23

I’m the next one who will receive surgery. 

When Louis immediately opened the chat, Harry send another message

Harry, 02:23

Smh why are you still awake :* :*

Louis, 02:24

Okay <3 <3

Good luck :* :*

I love you

Harry, 02:24

Thank you 

I love you the most <3

Sorry you have a boyfriend who has so many problems. 

I’ll make it up to you. 

By watching queer as folk with you. 

And educating you. 

Louis actually chuckled at that. He knew Harry must be very high on pain meds right now. When Louis had admitted to never having seen the tv show queer as folk around christmas, Harry had promised to watch it with him. 

Louis, 02:25

 <3

When Harry didn’t reply again, he tried his best to focus on studying for his exams to come. 

He even managed to do that, more or less, until his phone buzzed again. 

Harry, 02:47

Can you maybe talk on the phone for a minute?

It’s fine if you don’t want to. I know it’s late. 

Louis, 02:49

Yes, gimme a sec. 

Harry, 02:49

Don’t know when the nurses come to help me get dressed.

Think now

Louis, 02:50

Okay

Just call me when/if you want? <3

Harry didn’t reply again and Louis figured the nurses had come and taken him into surgery. 

His assumption was confirmed when Harry texted him hours later.

Harry, 12:31

Sorry I got immediately taken away

I’m back now

Louis, 13:07

I’m very happy to hear that <3

How are you? Did the surgery go well?

Harry, 18:33

It hurts so much. I don’t think I’ve ever been in so much pain..

But yeah, the surgery went well, I think. The surgeon hasn’t been by yet to talk to me. 

***

Harry got released exactly two weeks after he had been submitted to the hospital. 

Louis never visited him because Harry didn’t want him to and Louis respected his wishes even though he wanted to see Harry really badly. 

They talked on the phone though, sometimes for up to an hour if they both had time. 

Harry continued to be in a lot of pain. He said, that’s probably because it was an emergency surgery and not a planned one. Also, Harry’s stomach surgery was very complicated. They removed about half of his colon. 

Despite denying Louis to come visit him, Harry was okay with Louis picking him up from the hospital to take him home. 

Louis was fidgeting with his fingers and could barely stand still while he was waiting for Harry to be brought downstairs so he could take him home. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been this nervous. 

He wasn’t even sure why he was nervous. Yes, he hadn’t seen Harry in 16 days but it wasn’t just about that. Maybe it was because Louis was unsure how to treat Harry. By now he knew that Harry hated being treated like he was different. He hated people being careful with him. If something didn’t work, Harry would always simply speak up. But he expected people to not treat him any differently from a person who hadn’t had several surgeries. This attitude made Louis afraid that he would accidentally end up hurting him. Or if Harry was hurting just in general because he was only a few days post surgery, that he couldn’t make it any better. 

Louis hated feeling helpless. 

But this wasn’t about him. It was about Harry. His Harry. 

Louis felt relieved when Harry immediately got up out of the mandatory wheelchair as soon as they had reached the entry hall of the hospital. 

He walked slowly towards the other man but paused a few steps in front of him. 

“Hey,” Harry gave him a weak, lopsided grin. 

“Hey there,” Louis smiled back. 

Harry closed the last few steps separating them and put his arms around him. 

Louis felt like a weight was lifted off his chest. Carefully, he returned the hug and wrapped his arms loosely around Harry. 

He inhaled deeply. Harry’s scent filled his nostrils, the mix of his body wash and deodorant. Louis couldn’t stop the single tear of relief that rolled down his cheek. He quickly wiped it away though when they separated, not wanting Harry to see it. 

“Do you have everything?” Louis checked with Harry to make sure he was ready to leave. 

“Yes, let’s go, please. I desperately want to shower,” Harry chuckled. 

“Alright, off we go.” Louis grabbed the bag from Harry and took Harry’s now empty hand with his other. 

Holding hands they left the hospital behind them. 

Well, at least physically they did. 

Chapter 11: February 21st 2022

Once they got to Harry’s apartment, Harry sat down quickly on a kitchen chair. He was breathing rather quickly. 

“I just.. I just need to rest for a second.” Harry explained. Louis figured it was only normal that Harry was exhausted from walking up the four flights of stairs. Harry had assured Louis that he had practiced walking the stairs in the hospital with a physical therapist and was good to climb four staircases. 

“It’s fine. Do you want me to go ahead and start a load of laundry? And then I can help you shower?” Louis offered.

“I can do it myself. I just.. need another minute or two.” Harry replied at which Louis rolled his eyes internally. 

“Love, I know that you can do it. But what’s the point of me being here, if you don’t allow me to actually help. You, Gemma and I agreed that me and Cliff would stay with you for a while to help you. You didn’t want to move in with Gemma for the time being. So, please, love? Let me help. Taking a shower will probably be more than exhausting enough for you.”

“Okay.. thank you, Louis. I really appreciate it. I do. I just don’t want you to feel burdened by me. I’m sorry. It’s going to take some time getting used to.”

“We have all the time in the world. I’m not going anywhere.” Louis reassured the other man and gave his shoulder a light squeeze. 

He grabbed the bag from the hospital and went to the bathroom so he could get that first load of laundry started. 

Once he had sorted through the clothes, dividing them into three piles, he quickly grabbed the one of underwear, t-shirts and sweatpants and put them inside the washer. He added some laundry detergent and turned on the machine. 

When he went back to the kitchen, Harry was still sitting on the chair, eyes closed. 

Louis grabbed two glasses and poured them some water. He gently nudged Harry’s arm and pushed the full water glass towards him. 

“Come on,” Louis smiled at Harry. “Drink something and then let's get you showered and into bed so you can nap or simply rest for a while.”

Harry nodded and they both took a few sips of their water. 

“Can you grab me a fresh towel and some clean clothes from the bedroom, please?”

Louis complied and then followed Harry into the bathroom. 

“Harry? What do you feel comfortable with me doing? Helping you, I mean. I don’t want to do something you don’t like.”

“Eh-.. I should be fine on my own. I’ll shout if I need anything, okay?”

To be honest Louis had expected that he would need to actually wash Harry. But he trusted Harry’s judgment. 

“Okay. I’ll wait outside then. Don’t lock the bathroom door, though, okay?”

Harry chuckled. “I never do. Funny that you haven’t noticed that yet.”

Louis really hadn't noticed. He was so used to locking doors behind himself. Years of basically zero privacy had led to him locking himself in whenever he could. It was like a reflex. He didn’t think about it. 

“Alrighty then.” Louis smiled at the other man before turning around and pulling the door closed behind him.

***

Over the next couple of days, Louis tried to help however he could. Harry, however, also did whatever he could. Louis did all things that entailed lifting (grocery shopping, laundry) and much movement (vacuuming, mopping, hanging up the clothes to dry). Harry did whatever he could. He cooked most days and he also folded the laundry once Louis had taken it down again.

Louis could sense that Harry was uncomfortable with him doing so many household chores. But they didn’t have another choice right now, so whenever Harry started a chore that Louis didn’t deem him capable of doing yet, he quickly took over with a gentle smile and a kiss to Harry’s cheek. 

Also, Louis had expected it to be weird to suddenly live together. But it wasn’t. Maybe it was because the situation demanded it or because.. Louis almost didn’t dare to think this.. but maybe it was a sign that they were simply meant to be.

Another thing Louis noticed though, was that Harry never needed any help showering or taking care of his fresh surgery scar. He also never saw Harry shirtless like he usually would after Harry had taken a shower. He tried not to think too much about it. Maybe it was just a coincidence. 

While things slowly got back to a sort of normal, Louis kept working at the club to earn the money needed for the next semester. Both men mostly ignored that part of Louis’ life though by not talking about it.

***

On March fifth, four weeks post surgery, as they were both laying in bed in the evening, reading a book, Harry suddenly groaned in frustration. 

Assuming it was about something that had happened in his book, Louis turned to Harry to ask what had happened. 

“I’m horny,” was Harry’s reply that left Louis flabbergasted. That wasn’t at all what he had expected. 

When Louis didn’t say anything in return, Harry spoke up again. “I’m sorry. It’s just.. it’s been four fucking weeks. And I’m too awkward to ask the doctors whether I can masturbate or even have sex again already. But I’m so fucking horny all the time. It’s been so long.” Harry covered his face with his hands and groaned again. 

“I don’t know what to say.. Obviously I don’t know either whether you’re allowed to do that yet. But I guess you could just try masturbating. I’d offer you a hand, but I don’t want to accidentally hurt you.. So it’s probably best if you did it yourself. So you can figure out what you can and can’t do yet and stop right away when something hurts you. But I’d also get it if you want to wait first and maybe just get it over with and ask your doctor. But I’d probably be horny too in your place. Four weeks is a long time…” Louis rambled his useless thoughts. 

“Yes, yes it is. Alright, fuck this. I want to do this.”

“Do you want me to go to the kitchen and leave you alone for a bit?” Louis offered, laughing at his eager boyfriend, who had already grabbed for his pants but stopped when Louis spoke up.

“No, can we.. y’know.. together? Unless you think that’s weird? You can obviously leave if you want to.”

“Nah, I don’t think it’s weird, love. Though it does feel very ‘we’re-best-mates-and-totally-not-gay-just-jerking-off-together-in-a-no-homo-way’, not gonna lie,” Louis continued laughing and made Harry chuckle as well. 

“Yeah, it kind of does.. whatever. Just kiss me you fool.”

Louis obliged happily. He set down his book on the bedside table and moved towards Harry, careful not to put any weight on him. Instead, he laid closely next to the other man, placing one arm next to him and the other over his chest, burying his hand in Harry’s hair.

After making out for a few minutes, Harry started tugging on Louis’ shirt, mumbling “off”.

Louis complied and quickly got rid of his shirt. They both slept in t-shirts and underwear these days, instead of sleeping naked or in underwear only. Louis liked stealing Harry’s shirts to sleep in. 

When Louis tried to grab Harry's own shirt, the other man froze and Louis’ suspicions finally got confirmed. 

Yet, Louis decided to play naive. “What’s wrong?” Louis whispered while removing his hand from the bottom of Harry’s shirt and kissing behind Harry’s ear, down his neck. 

“Can I-..I don’t-.. Just-..” Harry struggled to find the right words. “Is it okay if I keep my shirt on?” He eventually ended up whispering back and a part of Louis’ heart broke right then. 

He wasn’t surprised. But it upset him anyway to hear it out loud, put into words. It was unusual that Louis hadn’t seen Harry shirtless since his last surgery. Before then, Harry often couldn’t be bothered to wear a shirt in either of their apartments. And he always slept in his boxers only before the last surgery. So of course Louis had noticed that nowadays Harry was always wearing a shirt. He didn’t even change in front of Louis, instead always going to the bathroom to change.  

“Yes, of course, Harry, you don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with.” Louis continued kissing Harry’s neck until the other man had mostly relaxed again. 

“You are beautiful, Harry. Always were and always will be. No scar could ever change that.” Louis whispered into Harry’s ear. 

Without looking down, he knew Harry had developed goose bumps hearing those words. Louis tried to tell Harry how beautiful he was as often as possible without it losing its meaning. At first, Louis thought the goosebumps would stop appearing after saying it a few times. But they didn't. 

They kissed again for a while. Simply enjoying the feeling of the other man’s lips on their own. 

A few minutes later, Louis felt Harry’s arms moving down from their previous place on his waist and back. 

Louis stopped kissing the other man and laid on his back as well. He grinned at Harry while pushing his own panties down. 

Harry grinned back at him and worked on getting his boxers down as well. His grin turned into a grimace of pain for a second when he pushed the boxers off over his feet. But then he quickly grinned again while grabbing his dick. 

Louis copied him and ran his hand over his own dick. It felt a bit weird not to touch the other man. But it was also hot, just watching Harry touch himself. 

“How does it feel?” Louis wanted to make sure Harry physically felt okay so far. 

“Fucking incredibly.” Harry replied slightly out of breath. 

“I meant your stomach, love.”

“Oh, it hurts a bit but not too badly.”

“Okay. That’s good. Fuck, Harry, you look so hot right now.” Louis went to grab some lube from inside the bedside table drawer. 

Harry was already holding his hand out to him so Louis squeezed some onto Harry’s hand before squeezing some into his own hand. 

For a second, pictures of the last client Louis had sex with a couple days ago flashed before his eyes but he quickly pushed them away, squeezing his eyes shut. He wasn’t at work right now.

“Fuck, I’m gonna come.” Harry moaned after literally less than a minute. Understandable, considering he hadn’t come in over four weeks. Louis on the other hand wasn’t even anywhere near close yet. 

“Yes, Harry, you’re so hot. Come on.”

Harry came a few seconds later. But instead of groaning in pleasure, Harry groaned a very pained: “Fuck. Shit.. Ouch. Fuck!” while coming over the shirt covering his stomach. 

“Are you okay, Harry? Talk to me, love!” Louis’ hand left his own now quickly softening dick in order to reach for Harry who had pulled his legs up and held onto his stomach now.

“Fuck, it hurts. This was a bad idea. Fuck.” Harry covered his eyes with his left hand, after wiping it clean on the sheets.

“Just breathe, okay, breathe and try to relax your muscles.”

“I’m trying..” They both took a couple of breaths before Harry finally spoke up again: “Okay the pain is easing up a bit now.”

Louis exhaled loudly. This hopefully meant that Harry didn’t actually injure himself. 

“I shouldn’t have encouraged you, I’m sorry.” Louis couldn’t help but blame himself. He should have told Harry to check with a doctor first before trying anything. 

“Louis, this isn’t your fault. Not at all. I was the horny, whiny bitch who didn’t want to wait any longer.” Harry chuckled weakly, right hand still placed on his stomach. 

“But that’s understandable. I don’t think I’ve ever gone more than two weeks without it since I was like 12 years old.”

“Same. Except for right after the accident happened. Couldn’t do anything for a couple of months then. Well great, at least now I know I can’t do that yet.”

“Yeah, but I’m sure in a couple of weeks, maybe even sooner, it’ll be better again.”

“Maybe,” Harry mumbled before pulling his boxers up and getting up to go to the bathroom to wash up.

***

Not much changed the next couple of weeks. Harry still felt a lot of pain doing normal everyday stuff. Louis did most of the household chores and tried his best to reassure Harry that it was fine and it didn’t bother him. 

Magus continued working two to three nights a week. The next semester would start in April and he needed a couple thousand more dollars. Luckily, the scholarship he had applied for would pay the biggest part of tuition. 

One night, a client canceled at the last minute (luckily he still had to pay a fee for that), so Louis went home early. He thought about texting Harry but decided he would surprise his boyfriend instead. 

What Louis thought was a cute idea, wasn’t. 

When Louis got home at 11pm, the apartment was dark. He was irritated at first, because he was pretty sure that Harry didn’t have any plans for that night, so he was confused that Harry wasn’t there. 

And then he heard sounds coming from the kitchen. Someone was crying. But it wasn't soft crying noises, it was someone full on sobbing, gasping for air every few seconds. 

Louis let his bag fall on the floor and sprinted the few steps from the door towards the kitchen. 

Harry was sitting on the cold kitchen tiles, knees hugged to his chest. 

“Harry,” Louis startled the other man who promptly jerked his head up to look around, his eyes frantically scanning the room before settling on Louis. The room was only illuminated by the city lights shining in through the window and Louis’ eyes took a few seconds to adjust to the half-dark room. He could slowly make out the other man’s face. It was puffy from all the crying. 

He quickly sank to his knees next to Harry and placed his hands on the other man’s shoulders.

“Harry,” he repeated softly while the other man continued to sob in between gasps for air.

Harry was hyperventilating. He kept gasping for air, barely breathing out before taking a new breath. Louis had no idea how long Harry had been in this state, but his muscles were already cramping up. So there was already too little carbon dioxide in his body. The muscle spasms would only get worse if Harry didn’t calm down.

“Harry, H,” Louis tried to get the other man’s attention. “I need you to slow your breathing, love.”

“I- can’t-” Harry barely managed to get out before another sob ran through his body. 

“Yes, yes you can. Come on, focus on your breathing. You got this! Inhale, one, two, three, and exhale as slowly as possible.” Louis audibly blew his breath out of his mouth. 

When Harry started breathing in again after barely two seconds of exhaling, Louis also took another quick inhale. “Okay, and now try exhaling for another second longer. You got this. In, one, two, three, and out through your mouth, one, two, three. Yes, very good. And again.”

Louis kept talking to Harry and counting the seconds out loud until his breathing started to normalize. Louis checked the clock on the wall and over 20 minutes had passed.

He grabbed for Harry’s hands and tried massaging them so the muscle spasms would ease up quicker. Harry immediately flinched and pulled his right hand away though. Louis realized that he had just grabbed and touched Harry’s hand with the sensory issues. Fuck. He just wanted to help, but he forgot how sensitive Harry’s right hand was because of the sensory nerve damage. Fuck, fuck, fuck!  

“Sorry,” Louis mumbled and let go of the other hand as well. 

“It’s okay. You tried to help. Thank you.”

“Anytime, love. Do you want to get up and sit on a chair or your bed for a bit?”

Harry nodded and together they got up and sat on the bed, resting their backs against the headboard. Louis grabbed a blanket and pulled it up to their hips. 

Harry was hugging his stomach once again, so Louis assumed he was in pain.. again. He always was, but some days it was worse than other days. Louis had no idea if Harry would ever not be in pain again. Whenever he asked Harry whether it was normal for him to still be in pain, the other man just shrugged it off and said the doctors told him it could take months or years. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Louis offered. To be honest, Louis didn’t expect Harry to actually talk to him. Harry rarely wanted to talk about anything related to the car accident and hospitals. So, he was surprised when Harry did speak up for the first time after his latest surgery.

“I just.. I just can’t do this anymore.”

Louis grabbed Harry’s left hand and started stroking the back of it. Louis' love and comfort language was physical touch. Harry’s was.. well physical touch definitely wasn’t it. And after all this time, Louis still wasn’t sure how to comfort his boyfriend. In his defense, he hadn’t had many opportunities so far though. So he simply started rubbing the other one’s hand, because he knew Harry didn’t want to be hugged right now. 

“I fucking hate hospitals. So much. And the doctors said this is going to happen every few years from now on. I just.. I just can’t . But there’s nothing I can do about it. I just.. this is not how I imagined my life to be, y’know. And sometimes I have these nice days, but then my stomach hurts again and I just.. I can’t do this anymore. It fucking sucks. But I also can’t do anything else. I can’t kill myself because I can’t do that to my sister. She’s already almost lost me once. It would be too selfish to kill myself. But knowing that it’s never gonna get better.. it kills me.”

There were tears streaming down Harry’s face. 

And Louis.. Louis was at a loss for what to say. The man he loved had to endure so much pain and there was nothing Louis could do to help. Nothing. He couldn’t change Harry’s physical health. Neither could the doctors. All he could do right then, was listen to his boyfriend’s feelings and thoughts.

When Harry didn’t say anything else and just continued sobbing, Louis eventually said: “That must be incredibly frustrating. I’m so sorry, love. I’m so very sorry that I can’t really tell you anything that’ll help. But I’ll listen to you anytime, love.”

“It is frustrating, yes. But also fucking terrifying. It will never stop. There will never be a last surgery… And to be frank with you: life isn’t worth it. Which is,” another sob went through Harry’s body before he could continue. “Which is such a sad thing to say out loud. But even concerts, which are like the best thing, or the christopher street day festival, which both make me so incredibly happy, don’t make a single surgery worth it. I already had 15. 15 fucking surgeries. And from now on there’ll still be another one every couple years. But I also can’t kill myself because I seriously just can’t do that to my family, or to you. And how the fuck am I supposed to function and continue living my life when I’ve come to this realisation.”

A part of Louis' heart shattered into pieces, soundlessly, yet painfully. And it wasn’t just a small, not much needed part. No, it was a big part. It burst from desperation, knowing the person he loved was suffering and there was nothing he could do to make it better. 

Tears started streaming down his face and he felt selfish for starting to cry at a time like this. It wasn’t about him. He didn’t have to endure those surgeries. Harry did. And he couldn’t take away the past pain and all the future pain that would surely follow. He couldn’t magically transfer the pain away from Harry and take it on himself, give the love of his life a break. 

Yes, Louis realized. That’s who Harry was. He was the love of his life, which was probably way too early in their relationship to realize. But Louis was sure of it. Why else would he feel so much pain hearing Harry say those thoughts out loud. 

“I’m sorry,” Harry sniffled. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“It’s fine, my dearest Harry. I just… Can I hug you? I just love you so much.”

Louis felt even worse now. He was the one supposed to comfort Harry, not the other way around. Yet he couldn’t help but wrap his arms around the other man immediately when he gave his consent. 

And together they just stayed sitting on the bed for a while. Neither man felt the urge to say something. Because.. What was there left to say?

Chapter 12: March to October 2022

Harry slowly got better over the course of the next months. Well, he got better physically. Louis couldn’t really judge how Harry was doing mentally. 

But after that late night talk, he talked to Gemma (not giving away any specifics, just that he thinks Harry isn’t coping that well) and together they convinced Harry to look up and contact local therapists.

Harry’s next surgery was looming in the not too distant future. The next surgery was another one on Harry’s stomach. A hernia. A hernia occurs when an organ or fatty tissue squeezes through a weak spot in a surrounding muscle or connective tissue called fascia. Louis learned that from google. The doctors had noticed the hernia during the last surgery, but since the last surgery was already high risk, they didn’t repair the hernia in that surgery. Instead, they decided Harry would have another surgery a few months later, since the hernia was big enough for it to be impossible to cut off a piece of colon in it. 

And Harry seemed.. fine? He seemed to be coping alright. Whenever they had company, Harry acted like a very happy person. He laughed and smiled and joked and did all the right things. Except, Louis found it hard to believe. 

After Harry’s breakdown, Louis couldn’t imagine the impending surgery not occupying Harry’s thoughts. After the other man had opened up about his feelings that one night when Louis had found Harry in the kitchen, it never happened again. 

Harry pretended it hadn't happened. And so did Louis, hoping it was in Harry’s best interest. 

However, both he and Gemma kept suggesting seeing a therapist to Harry. And eventually they got him to do it. Harry contacted about ten therapists. Within a week seven of them replied to him that they don’t have any capacity left for new clients. Two never replied. And one, a young woman, replied they could meet for a first session. 

Harry went, but he didn’t seem too convinced, so he contacted more therapists. Once again, only one replied that she still had a free spot. 

Harry met her the week before his next surgery was scheduled in August. It seemed to go well, according to Harry, but because of the next surgery, they had agreed that Harry would call her, once he felt well enough again after the surgery. 

Two days before the surgery, the hospital called and told them that the surgery would be postponed by a week. And that’s when Harry’s beautifully architectured facade started crumbling. Each day going forward Harry’s mental health got notably worse. 

Harry seemed to get lost in his thoughts constantly and startled out of them when hearing loud noises or whenever someone tried to catch his attention. 

Harry also barely slept. Louis told him to call in sick for work, but Harry said that he had no reason to miss work until the actual surgery. So he forced himself to go to work. And Louis didn’t have any other options than to watch the man he loved getting worse and worse with each day passing.

The night before the surgery, Harry didn’t sleep at all. Louis didn’t either, but pretended to for Harry’s sake. Knowing Harry, Louis knew he would feel bad about keeping him awake with his tossing and turning. 

After a particularly loud squeak of the bed, Harry whispered: “Louis?”, apparently trying to figure out whether he had awoken Louis. 

Louis kept his breathing steady and didn’t move, pretending to still be asleep. 

He realized he had made a mistake though, when Harry started to whisper again, and with every sentence it became more obvious that Harry was convinced Louis was asleep. 

“I’m so fucking scared. What if it gets as bad as it was in February? I can’t do that again. I am seriously not strong enough. I’m feeling like shit. Like.. I’m okay, I guess, but at the same time I’ve never been worse. I’m so fucking scared, I don’t even know. Every cell in my body is demanding to just not go to the hospital tomorrow morning. Cause.. like it’s kinda insane. I go there healthy and they make me sleep and I know I’ll wake up in pain. And I dont know.. it’s just.. fucking terrifying.”

All Louis could hear for a bit was Harry’s breathing. 

“Also, I’m scared I’ll start hyperventilating before they give me the anesthesia. Because that would be embarrassing as fuck.”

“Also, it’s so fucking weird because for years I have been fine. I didn't have any problems going to the hospital for a surgery. And now it’s like.. this big fucking deal for my stupid brain.”

“And there’s nothing you can do or say to help me. Which is why I'm being selfish and telling you this while you’re asleep. So I won’t have to deal with you being scared for me. I can’t handle anybody worrying about me. I just can’t. I’m sorry. You deserve so much better..”

Yeah.. Louis had fucked up by pretending to be asleep…

***

Louis picked Harry up from the hospital only four days after the surgery. 

Relieved to see Harry, he hugged the other man. Harry returned the hug, but not very enthusiastically. And Louis could have sworn that Harry had held his breath during the hug. 

The morning of the surgery, Harry basically almost snuck out on him. Eventually, early in the morning, probably only an hour or two before Harry’s alarm was supposed to go off, Louis had finally fallen asleep. 

Louis was woken up by Harry, already dressed and everything, gently shaking his shoulder.

“I’m leaving. I’ll text you later. Love you,” Harry whispered before he quickly kissed Louis on his cheek. Louis, being still half asleep, didn’t really have a chance to react or say anything at all before Harry was already gone. The other man must have turned off the alarm before it even went off. 

And after hearing Harry say what he said last night, Louis couldn’t even be mad at him. 

Luckily, Harry texted him after the surgery in the afternoon, saying that he wasn’t in any pain at all, to his own surprise. They must be giving him the really good pain meds, for once. 

A stone fell off Louis’ heart when he heard that. Harry deserved not being in pain for once. 

Since the surgery wasn’t that complex, Harry was released very fast, much to everybody’s relief. 

Louis noticed quickly though that the Harry who came back from the hospital wasn’t the same one who had left him a couple days prior. He also wasn’t the same one as the one from February though. The one in February was trying to cope with what had happened. The one in February had felt too much. The emotions had overwhelmed Harry back then. The new Harry seemed to not have any emotions at all..

The new Harry also avoided physical touch whenever possible. One time, Harry literally stumbled into a cupboard, just so he wouldn’t touch Louis who was passing the hall in the other direction. 

It was.. concerning, to put it mildly. And Louis wasn’t sure whether to bring it up. He thought maybe he should give Harry a couple more days to become acclimated. 

But a couple of days passed and it didn’t get any better. Weeks passed and it didn’t get any better. Harry continued going to therapy but he didn’t talk about it to Louis, which was fine, but Louis had no idea if it was helping Harry and whether Harry was talking about not wanting to be touched at all. 

Louis didn’t even try grabbing Harry's hand while they were watching a movie anymore. He knew Harry would pull away instantly. He didn’t try spooning Harry before going to sleep. He knew Harry would find an excuse. Either he was too hot or he’d get up again to grab some water and would only return after Louis had fallen asleep.

Louis was at a loss for what to do. And he couldn’t really talk to anyone about it. Because no one knew Harry like he had gotten to know him over the past few months of living together. 

He feared that if he gave Harry too much space, Harry would think he didn’t care for him anymore. And if he tried forcing him into talking to him, Harry would probably feel pressured and would break up with him. 

Louis really didn’t want to pressure Harry into doing anything he wasn’t comfortable with. But… what they had.. it wasn’t a relationship anymore. They barely talked. They didn’t touch. They merely… existed within the same space. 

It was weighing down on Louis’ mood. He felt so helpless. And frustrated. And torn about what to do. And the worst thing was, Louis felt bad for feeling this way. He wasn’t the one who had had that many surgeries and was trying to deal with that. Yet he felt like complaining.

The sad truth was, he just couldn’t do this anymore. It wasn’t even about Harry not wanting to be touched. It was about the emotional wall Harry had built around himself. He was shielding off his emotions and thoughts so no one, probably not even Harry himself, had access to them. 

After weeks of co-existing with Harry and not talking, even though Louis gently tried talking to Harry several times, Louis figured there was only one thing left to do. Leave. 

Yes, Harry was probably the love of his life, but..

Louis’ mental health was incredibly bad. The relationship that once made him feel great about himself for the first time ever, had made him question everything. Logically, he knew this wasn’t about himself. Harry was trying to deal with what happened to him. Or he chose not to deal with that and to simply exist for a while without living. But Harry’s choice to do that had an impact on Louis’ life as well. 

Liam and even Zayn had asked him what was wrong several times. But talking about his problems with Harry felt like betraying his trust. So he stayed silent. He declined invitations to go out, wanting to be around Harry whenever he could just in case that day was the day he would finally talk to Louis. 

But that day never came. 

So one day in October, when Harry returned from work, Louis was waiting, sitting at the kitchen table. Clifford had been moved back to his own place earlier that day. He had already packed his bags as well. They were in the bedroom, waiting for him to find the right words. 

But.. were there any right words? He figured there weren’t.

“Hey,” Harry greeted Louis. 

“Hey..” 

Harry filled a glass with water from the tab and gulped it down before filling it again. 

“Harry?”

“Hm?” Harry didn’t even look at Louis. 

“I’m.. I’m gonna leave. Move back to my place.”

Harry traced the rim of the water glass in his hand with his index finger. 

“Okay. Yeah, that makes sense” 

That made sense?? What the actual f…

"That's it? You’re not gonna ask why? Or say literally anything else?”

“I’m pretty sure I know why.” A lifeless laugh escaped Harry’s mouth and Louis was stunned. What had happened to the man he was in love with. 

Louis got up and went for his bags. 

Just as he was about to close the front door behind him, bags in hand, Harry appeared in the doorway. Louis took a step back. He knew that if Harry reached out in that moment to grab his hand, he wouldn’t be able to leave. 

“Louis?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry. I really am. I tried. This not working out is on me and on me alone. You’ll find a person who’s good enough for you. Who’s less fucked up than I am. Though that shouldn’t be too difficult. But you’ll find someone who’s capable of being in a relationship. I know that. You deserve it. Don’t give up on love just because I fucked this up. Promise me?”

“Only if you promise me you won’t give up on love either.”

The short silence that followed was almost palpable. It was as if the air was weighing down on Louis, every second seemed to last a minute.

“I can’t promise you that. I’m sorry. I don’t want the last thing I told you to be a lie.”

“So you plan on never seeing me again?”

“I just figured you would never want to see me again to be honest. Cause I’m the one who fucked this up.”

Louis tried to gather his thoughts, to figure out what to say, how to tell Harry that he still wanted to be with him. 

But he took too long and he was pulled back into reality by the front door falling shut. 

Harry had closed the door and left him alone in the hallway. 

Chapter 13: February 2023

Zayn was calling Louis on his cellphone. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Louis greeted him. Zayn rarely called. Zayn had actually started working at another club in the same city a couple weeks ago and they hadn’t had a chance to catch up since. 

“I’m at work. Louis, you need to come here. Immediately!”

“What? Why?”

“Harry is here. And he’s freaking out. And my boss said if I can’t get him to calm down he’s calling an ambulance or the police.”

Harry. His Harry. Well, Harry hadn’t been his for several months now. They hadn’t met again or talked since the day Louis had left. He had talked to Gemma for a few weeks afterwards but not to Harry. 

“I’m on my way.” Louis hung up the phone and left the club, even though he was supposed to go on stage and dance in half an hour. His make up was only half done but he couldn’t care less. 

Luckily Zayn’s new work wasn’t too far away, so it only took him about ten minutes to get there. 

He called Zayn on his cell once he got to the club but Connor, the bartender, who was also Zayn’s boyfriend, motioned for him to come to the back rooms. 

Zayn picked up and told him that they were in room 3.

Without thinking Louis quickly entered the room. 

Harry was sitting on the bed, legs pulled to his chest, a blanket wrapped around him loosely. Zayn was holding the blanket closed as best as he could with Harry shaking and sobbing. Harry’s naked feet were sticking out from underneath the blanket and so were his naked shoulders. His feet were cramped up. He was hyperventilating. Had been for a while, apparently. 

Harry’s face was red and blotchy. There were red spots all over it, spreading down his neck to his upper chest. 

“Thank God you’re here!” Zayn greeted him. 

“What happened?!” Louis closed the door behind him and moved towards Harry, who didn’t even seem to realize that he was here. 

“He had an appointment with one of my co-workers. I didn’t know he was here until my co-worker started calling for help though. Apparently they had sex and afterwards or during, I don’t know, Harry started hyperventilating and freaking out. I came to help my coworker and once I saw who the client was, I told everyone to get out. But he doesn’t seem to hear anything I’m saying to calm him down. My boss is aware of the situation and he wants him gone. It’s bad rep for the club if this gets out. So I called you.”

“Fuck, okay. Alright. Can you leave us for a bit? And don’t let anyone else come in here.”

“Yeah sure. Just.. here, hold the blanket around him.”

Louis took the loose blanket ends from Zayn and took his place. 

After Zayn had closed the door again behind him, Louis tried talking to the other man.

“Harry? H?” 

No reply. 

Harry was shaking so hard it was difficult to keep the blanket around him. 

Harry was mumbling something, over and over again. But Louis couldn’t make out the words, Harry was sobbing too hard. He could barely make out single words, “touch” and “over”, the rest was mumbled too blurrily. 

He had to get Harry to listen to him, to focus on his voice. 

He got one of Harry’s hands out from underneath the blanket, his fingers were all cramped up. 

Louis let go of the blanket, not caring that it fell down and revealed Harry’s naked body.. 

He pried the fingers open and pushed the now somewhat flat hand against his heart.

“Harry. Harry! Feel my heartbeat. Feel my chest rising and sinking. Focus on what you feel with your hand.”

“And now breathe. You got this. In. And out.” He put his own hand on Harry’s chest. 

“Try to move my hand with your breathing. Push my hand away by breathing in.”

“Good. You’re doing so well, love, so good.”

“In… and out..”

“Inhale and exhale: one, two and three.“

“Yes, that’s it, love. You’re doing so well. I’m so proud. In and out.”

“Just focus on your breathing. You got this.”

Louis kept talking to Harry. No idea for how long. Could have been 20 minutes, could have been over an hour. 

But it didn’t matter anyway. 

Zayn kept checking up on them in the beginning. But once he saw Harry was doing better he stopped coming inside. 

Slowly, Harry regained full consciousness. But he didn’t freak out again. His red eyes met Louis’ after a while and the other man simply kept staring at Louis’ face. Harry’s tears never quite stopped flowing. Louis wiped them away a couple of times. 

Louis let go of Harry’s hand eventually, and Harry moved it to grab the blanket to pull it over his lap, covering himself up. 

Louis wiped another tear from Harry’s cheek when Harry spoke up. 

“I can’t feel that.” His voice was scratchy and unstable.

“What?” Louis whispered, not understanding.

“I can’t feel my cheek, remember? Sensory nerve issues. Also can’t feel my upper lip on that side of my face. I can’t feel a big part of the back of my right hand and forearm either. And since the last surgery I can’t feel my right hip anymore. It’s just.. I can’t feel it. Can’t feel coldness or warmth. Can’t feel a simple touch. However, if something pushes into it, I feel pain. It’s.. weird. It’s bad. Wearing pants makes me lose my mind these days. My hip is constantly irritated. I guess eventually I’ll get used to it and stop perceiving it constantly, just like I did with my arm.”

“You never told me it was that bad with your lip and hand. You never mentioned it again after your lip went numb again after the last face surgery..” Louis didn’t mean to make it sound like an accusation but that’s how it came out. 

“Wouldn’t have changed anything, would it? I already made you remember so many of my issues that you had to watch out for. I thought maybe this would be the thing that would make you change your mind about wanting to be my boyfriend. If you couldn’t even kiss me how you wanted to. If you couldn’t hold my hand however you want to.”

“I would have wanted to know anyway. And I wouldn’t have left you because of this.”

Harry was silent for a while.

“I didn’t know Zayn works here. I wouldn’t have come here otherwise, obviously.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

They were silent again for a while. 

Louis saw a shiver running through Harry’s body. 

“You should take a hot shower. And then we should leave.” Luckily this club’s backrooms also came with their own private bathroom each. Zayn had told him about that before he started working here.

“I doubt I can stand on my feet for that long.”

“If you let me, I will help you.”

Harry took a few seconds to think about it.

“Okay.”

“Okay, come on then, up we go.”

Harry was wobbly on his feet. Louis grabbed both his arms to stabilize him.

He tried not to look at Harry’s body too closely. But he couldn’t stop himself. 

This was literally the first time he had seen all of Harry since his surgery in February last year. During the few times they had sex afterwards, Harry had always kept his shirt on. 

His new scar on the stomach wasn't pretty. But it also wasn’t the ugliest scar ever. It was wider than before. Also still red-ish. And it hadn’t healed that evenly. It looked bumpy.

There were also a few relatively tiny scars from small incisions. They were probably from the last surgery in August, Louis figured, because that one was performed with the assistance of a robot. 

Harry either didn’t notice Louis ogling his stomach or he didn't care. 

Louis helped the other man in the shower after he had taken off his own clothes except for his boxers. He placed Harry’s hands on his shoulders so the other man could hold onto them to steady himself. 

Then, Louis carefully washed Harry’s hair and body. He paid extra careful attention to Harry’s right arm and right hip. 

“Do you want to wash yourself down there?” Louis asked quietly and Harry nodded.

Louis squirted some body wash into Harry’s hand and kept his eyes on above Harry’s shoulders to give him some privacy. At one point, Harry flinched in pain and Louis forced himself to keep his gaze on Harry’s face and not look down. 

Louis gently dried Harry off before quickly drying himself off as well. 

They walked back to the room with the bed in it and when Louis looked at the bed, he saw some red spots on the white bed sheets.

His head snapped to Harry, who’s gaze was frozen on the few small blood stains. 

“Harry,” Louis whispered brokenly.

“I’m sorry.” Harry's eyes were tearing up again. 

“Why on earth are you apologizing? Who did this to you? I’m gonna get him fired from this place.”

“Don’t.. it’s my own fault. I told him I was ready. He literally said I’m still tight but I insisted I was prepped well enough.”

“Why, Harry? Why did you do-” Louis gestured to the room, “-this?” He meant all of it. Why on earth had Harry decided to hook up with a stranger. 

Which was maybe a weird question to ask himself, since this was how they themselves had met. During their relationship they had never talked about why Harry had come to the club that very first night. 

“I.. I wanted to know whether I can still do this. Or whether I was too fucked up to ever have sex again.”

A tear slipped from Louis’ eye. He quickly wiped it away before the other man could notice. 

He dressed himself, throwing the wet boxers on the bathroom tiles and putting his pants back on without underwear before helping Harry back into his clothes. 

“Louis?”

He hummed in reply.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. It’s okay.”

“It’s not. I fucked this up. I’m so sorry.”

“Please stop apologizing.” Louis was close to tears. 

“Okay.”

“Do you want me to take you home? Or back to Gemma’s?”

“Home, please.”

So Louis took Harry home. He called a cab and when they got there, he grabbed Harry’s hand to steady him as they walked up the stairs at Harry’s place. 

He gently led him to the bedroom, made him change into more comfortable clothes before putting him to bed. 

“Will you stay until I’ve fallen asleep?”

Louis couldn’t say no to Harry, even after everything that had happened. 

“Yeah, I’ll stay.”

“Thank you, Lou.”

Louis laid down next to the other man but kept his distance.

Harry’s breathing slowed.

And when Louis was convinced Harry had fallen asleep, he got up and left, even though every cell in his body was screaming at him not to leave. 

But he had to. 

He had to leave.

Even if this probably has been the most difficult thing Louis ever had to do.

Epilogue: Harry’s p.o.v.

Harry was too early, so he sat on the bed in the room a kind man had led him to. 

He didn’t have to wait for long until the door opened and a man entered the room. He looked a bit younger than Harry was himself.

“Hey, you must be Edward, right?”

Someone knocked on the door twice before opening the door. “Hey there”, a stunning man entered the room and greeted him with a seducing smile on his lips.

“Hey.”

“Yeah, that’s me. What’s your name?”

“My name is Romeo, as you might or might not already know. What do you want me to call you?”

“Eh-.. Harry. My name is Harry.”

“Well then, nice to meet you, Harry.”

“I’m Sam. I am thrilled to meet you, Edward.”

When Harry didn’t say anything else, Sam spoke up again. 

“So, what are you into?”

“I’m not sure how this works,” Harry had said. 

“That’s fine, don’t worry too much. We can do this however you feel the most comfortable. You can tell me what you like, or what you want, or we can just dive into it and see what happens.”

“I want you to fuck me, if that’s alright with you?” Harry asked. 

“Definitely, sounds hot, I’m in!” Sam replied and Harry started taking off his clothes. He ignored the other man staring at his stomach and pretended there wasn’t a big fat ugly scar on it. 

“What happened?” Sam asked while stepping forward. He reached out a hand, Harry assumed to touch the scar. 

“I don’t want to talk about it”, Harry replied, trying to prevent the other man from asking further questions and took a step back to evade the other man’s hand reaching out. 

“Oh, okay. I’m sorry.” At least Sam seemed to realize his mistake. 

Harry laid on the bed and Sam got his fingers quickly covered in lube. 

The other man spread his butt cheeks and started circling his hole. Then he gently applied pressure until the first digit slipped inside.

The finger was cold. Harry’ stomach was hurting. It felt like it was about to burst. Harry kept his gaze focused on his hospital roommate’s bed. Wild, how he didn’t get any privacy when a doctor was literally pushing a finger up his asshole to try to do whatever he was trying to do. Apparently something about manually stimulating his colon to start working properly again.

Harry dug the finger nail of his pointer finger into his thumb but the pain wasn’t enough to make the flashback go away. It didn’t hurt enough. 

The doctor pushed a second finger in and it hurt. Harry was squeezing his fingernails into the palms of his hands. He tried to focus on the pain in his hand. Tears were silently running down his face, but since he was laying on his right side, the tears from his left eye did that weird thing where they ran over the nose into his other eye. He hated the feeling of it. 

His roommate was staring straight ahead in an opened magazine that he was holding in his hands. Whether he was actually reading it or pretending to read it. Who knew.

It was probably awkward for his roommate as well. Knowing the doctor was currently inserting fingers into his ass.

“Add a second one.” Harry urged Sam to hurry up and he complied. It hurt and Harry welcomed the pain because it finally made the flashbacks from last year February disappear for a bit. 

Sam started kissing and sucking on his neck.

Of course they weren’t able to find a vein. Just because finding a vein wasn't a problem when he had been in the hospital in February, didn't mean it wouldn't be a problem when he had the follow up surgery in August. 

Harry had lost count how many times they had tried and poked him with a needle. He also had no idea how much time had passed. Half an hour? An hour?

At first he had still been calm. The way down from his room in the hospital to the surgery, he had even joked with the nurse. Everything had been fine. 

And then they couldn't find a vein. There were hands touching him. Everybody touching him at once, checking his arms and hands and legs and feet for a vein to poke for the IV. Two hands, three hands, four hands, a hand stroking over his arm, a hand hitting the back of his own hand, trying to make a vein appear. A voice: “Oh, you really don’t have any veins at all. You poor thing”. Hands lifting the blanket off his feet, the blanket that covered his naked self. The blanket that was supposed to keep him warm in the cold pre-surgery room where they prepped him. “Your feet are cold too! This way it’s almost impossible to find a vein.”

“Just a small poke on your hand.” 

Inhale: one, two, three, and out through the mouth: one, two. 

In: one, two. And out: one. 

And in: one, and in…

“Just tell us if it hurts too much. You say the word and we’ll stop”

But what was the alternative? Postponing the surgery?

“If we don’t find a vein we’ll have to lay a central venous catheter.” Oh okay. He had had one of those in February, too.

Another person entering the room. 

“Hello Mr. Styles. I heard we’re having some problems here.” The male nurse patted his right arm and Harry turned it for better access to look for a vein. There was already a nurse on his left arm and one inspecting his feet for veins. 

“I’m not looking for veins right now!” The new nurse told Harry and patted his arm again in what was probably supposed to be a soothing and calming way. 

Harry pulled his arm away from the new nurse and gritted his teeth. He did his best to say as clearly as possible through his crying. “Then please- “ another small sob, “don’t touch me.” 

The nurse stepped away.

Inhaling: one, two, three. Exhaling: one.

Harry’s hands were starting to cramp up. He was hyperventilating. Fuck. Breathe out. You need to exhale for a longer period of time. You have too little carbon dioxide in your bloodstream. Exhale! Exhale!! Harry took another breath of air but it didn’t seem to reach his lungs, it just disappeared. So he inhaled again. And again. And again. 

“Please. I don’t care anymore. Just do the central venous catheter.”

“Okay,” the nurse replied, “I’m really sorry we couldn’t find a vein in a normal spot for the IV. But I guess it really doesn't make sense to keep trying. We poked you more than enough by now. I’ll just sterilize everything and you get to have a small break from all this.”

It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, Harry told himself over and over again.

“Mr. Styles?” Harry wiped the tears from his cheeks. He didn’t have anything to dry his hands on though. And his slightly drier cheeks immediately got wet again by more tears streaming from his eyes. 

“Yes. Hello,” Harry greeted the new person, his voice sounding rough and nasal from all his crying.

“I’m Doctor Riley. Let’s lay you the central venous catheter and we’ll put you to sleep in no time and then you can sleep and when you wake up it’s all over.” Dr. Riley gently patted his shoulder.

“Don’t touch me. Please. If you don’t have to.”

Inhale, and exhale: one, two.

“I’m sorry.” Dr. Riley replied. 

“Please move your head to the side. You’re gonna need to hold it like this for a while. Is this okay?”

“Can I maybe have a towel to put underneath?”

“Yes, of course. Here you go.”

“Okay, it’s gonna be cold for a bit.” The doctor sprayed disinfectant spray on his neck before wiping it away and spraying again to let it air dry.

The pressure on his neck from the wiping and cleaning felt weird, uncomfortable. But it wasn’t too bad? Could be a lot worse, Harry made himself remember. 

“Okay, Mr. Styles? I’m going to cover the area now with a sterile cloth. Just close your eyes.”

Harry kept his eyes wide open as she laid a cloth that felt like paper over his neck and head. He could see the cloth in front of his eyes and in the corner of his right eye, he could still see the bright light shining through the big hole in the cloth in his neck area. 

“Everything still okay?” The nurse checked in with him. She touched his hand and he pulled it away. 

“Yes.”

“Have you had this done before?”

“Not while I was conscious. Only when I was already asleep.”

“Okay.” And then the doctor explained what she was going to do before she started doing anything, which Harry appreciated. 

Then:

“This is the local anesthesia." 

A needle was pushed into his neck in several positions. It hurt. 

Inhale, and exhale. 

“Can you still feel this?” Someone touched his neck. 

“Yes, a tiny bit.”

“Okay, there’s gonna be a strong pressure now.”

Harry felt as if someone was stepping on his throat. He could still breathe. They were only pushing on the side of his neck, nowhere near his air pipe. But he still felt claustrophobic underneath the cloth. 

He finally closed his eyes, sick of seeing the hands moving quickly on top of him from the corner of his eye. Hands with medical instruments in them.The fast moving shadows of the hands were freaking him out. 

“Are you still doing okay?” Someone checking in on him. 

“Yes”, Harry gritted out. He was not okay. But he just needed to get through this, there was no other choice. 

I’m alright, I’m alright, I’m alright. 

The pressure disappeared and a sob escaped his throat. 

“Please don’t cry right now. You’re not supposed to move. I’m moving the catheter up the vein in your throat right now.”

‘Thanks. I’m trying, okay?!’ Harry thought, pissed off by the nurse. As if he was crying by choice. He pinched a part of the skin of his arm between his fingernails. Trying to focus on that pain instead of the feeling on his neck. 

Moments passed. 

“Okay, the worst part is over. Now it just needs to be stitched to hold it into place.”

More rustling noises. Harry opened his eyes but closed them again quickly. 

A small pain on his neck, then he could hear and feel the thread moving through the skin on his neck. Another burst of pain, the needle stabbed through his skin on the other side. 

It felt weird. 

“It hurts.” Harry said. 

“Almost done. Just need to do the other side.”

Harry bit the inside of his cheek. 

Almost done. Almost over. Almost done. It’s almost over. 

Harry gently pushed Sam’s head away from his neck.

“Sorry, not into that. Can you add another finger?”

Sam complied and Harry took a deep breath and the pain increased again. Sam continued to kiss down his body quickly, clearly wanting to go down on Harry. 

He spent extra time kissing the scar on his stomach, obviously wanting to prove that it wasn’t disgusting. 

But Harry couldn’t feel it. 

He could see Sam licking and kissing the scar. But he felt nothing. The skin was numb. Too many surgeries. The sensory nerves had never recovered. 

He focused on the pain in his arse.

Fingers prodding at the scar on his stomach. 

“Mr. Styles, this is looking good. The small incisions are still bleeding but that’s okay. Just keep the strips on until they fall off and it should all heal normally. 

“Okay, thank you.” Harry pulled his shirt back down and got the hell out of the hospital after his last scheduled check up. 

Sam finally got to his dick. Harry was hard, but he wasn’t into it. 

“I’m ready,” Harry said after only a minute of getting his dick sucked. 

“You’re still really tight, Edward, are you sure?”

Harry was aware he wasn’t ready. But he couldn't prolong this any longer. 

“Yeah, I’m sure. I like it like this, I promise.”

Sam pulled his fingers out and grabbed a condom and the lube again. 

A few seconds later Sam positioned himself before Harry’s entrance. He gently pushed the tip inside. 

A cold finger entering him.

Harry wrapped his legs around Sam’s hips and pulled him forward so his dick was quickly sliding inside of him. 

Pain was shooting up his body to his brain. The pain grounded him. He slowly exhaled.

Inhale: One, two, three.

“Fuuuuck,” Sam moaned in pleasure while Harry bit his lip to keep himself from groaning in pain. 

Exhale: One, two.

Sam moved to kiss Harry’s neck before he seemed to remember and kissed his lips instead, while stroking over his arm.

“Please- “ another sob, “don’t touch me.” 

His hands were cramping up. Lack of carbon dioxide. Or was it too much carbon dioxide? Do I need to inhale longer or exhale longer? Harry couldn't think clearly anymore. 

His lungs were screaming for air though so he inhaled long and deep. 

He exhaled quickly before taking another breath. 

It hurt. It didn’t feel good. But Sam seemed to be enjoying himself.

“Fuck yeah, does it feel great for you as well?” Sam checked in on him. 

“Yeah, this feels incredible!” Harry lied. 

But this was all Harry had needed to know. To know that he was still physically able to have sex. So if someone else would ever love him, he could give them what they needed and have sex with them. Didn’t matter that he wouldn’t like it. 

His own dick had gone soft. But it didn’t matter. He was still able to let himself be fucked. Maybe someone would be able to love him despite all of his issues as long as Harry could still make the other one feel good in bed. 

His breathing was becoming erratic. He couldn’t figure out what he needed. Was it exhaling for more seconds or inhaling?

“Please- “ another sob, “don’t touch me.”

Almost done. Almost over. Almost done. It’s almost over. 

Sam grabbed onto Harry’s lower legs and moved them up to be able to fuck into him deeper. While doing that, he grazed Harry’s lower feet and ankles.

Hands touching him.

Inhaling: one, two, three. Exhaling: one.

Almost done. Almost over. Almost done. It’s almost over. 

“Just a small poke.”

There were hands touching him. Everybody touching him, checking his arms and hands and lower legs and feet. So many hands touching him.

Almost done. Almost over. Almost done. It’s almost over. 

Inhaling: one, two, three. Exhaling: one.

Almost done. Almost over. Almost done. It’s almost over. 

Hands touching him.

‘Breathe, you need to breathe, Harry’, Harry told himself. But did he need to inhale or exhale? What was it? Harry was trying to remember. Too little carbon dioxide in the bloodstream. If I inhale, I’ll get more oxygen.. that has to solve it, right? If I exhale less, I’ll breathe out less carbon dioxide.

Sam eventually noticed his cramped up hands and stopped.

But it was too late. Harry couldn’t get his breathing back under control. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Sam pulled out and put his hand on Harry’s arm.

Hands touching him.

A sob made its way from his lungs to his throat and escaped out of his mouth. And once the first one had escaped, there was no stopping this.

“Fuck, are you alright??!” Sam asked. 

No.. no, I am clearly not alright. Nor will I ever be alright ever again. 

No one will ever love me. My body is too fucked up. My brain is too fucked up. 

Harry didn’t have it in him to shrug Sam’s hand off.

Hands touching him.

“Please don’t touch me”, Harry gasped out before inhaling again. He needed to breathe. Get oxygen into his lungs. He took another deep breath but there was no relief coming from it. He couldn’t feel the coolness of the air moving down his throat and windpipe. He started to panic. Air. I need to breathe. I can’t breathe. 

No one will ever love me. 

His lungs screamed for air. He took another deep inhale. 

I’m too fucked up. 

Hands touching him.

He was sobbing. “Please, please don’t,” another sob, “touch me.”

It’s almost over. It’s almost done. 

Another voice: “Worst part is over!”

Pressure on his neck. 

Hands touching him. 

“Please don’t touch me.”

“Please don’t touch me. Please don’t touch me. Please don’t touch me.” Harry mumbled over and over again, hoping the feeling of hands touching his body would go away. 

Harry tried to push the flashbacks away. He tried taking in his surroundings. He was safe. 

Almost done. Almost over. Almost done. It’s almost over. 

Hands touching him. 

“Please don’t touch me.”

“It’s over, it’s over, it’s over.” Harry reminded himself, mumbling the words to himself while rocking himself gently forward and back on the bed. 

“I’m alright. It’s okay. I am alright. It’s over”, Harry mumbled. 

A soft whisper inside his head: “It’ll never be over. There’ll always be another surgery. It’ll never be over. It will never be over”

Harry continued mumbling: “It’s over. It’s over. It’s over.”

Maybe if he said it often enough, he’d eventually start believing it. 

Even if it was a lie.

Hands touching him. 

“Just a small poke.”

Pressure on his neck. 

Hands touching him. 

“Can you still feel this?”

Harry pinched himself. Hard. He could barely feel it. He tried to focus on the pain. He pinched himself in a new spot. And another one. He saw the marks it left but barely felt it. 

His breathing was speeding up. His hands and feet started to cramp. He wasn’t able to pinch himself anymore because he lost control over his hands. The spasms wouldn’t stop until he got his breathing back under control. 

Inhale for longer? Or exhale longer?

Harry tried to remember but couldn’t. 

Too late..

It was too late…

***

“Harry? Harry!” 

Louis came for him. 

He came for him.

Warmth underneath his hand. Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump.

Pressure on his own rib cage. Warmth started to spread from that place on his ribcage into the rest of his torso.

***

Harry was laying in his bed, Louis next to him. 

He was focused on his breathing. He counted the seconds, just like Louis had taught him. His breath was as even and calm as it could be. 

His body felt heavy, his weight pulling him down into the mattress. His head felt foggy. He was utterly exhausted.

But he was still awake when eventually, Louis got up quietly and left. 

When Harry heard his front door shut, he curled up underneath the blanket into fetus position. 

There was only one thought running through his mind on repeat as his breathing started to speed up again:

'I’m going under and this time I fear there’s no one to save me.'

- the end -