Archive of Our Own

1985

It was not what I had imagined.
Absolutely not.

It was better. So much better!

And I didn't even know his name. Somehow I had forgotten to ask him.

Now seemed an extremely inopportune moment to catch up.

After all, I was up to my eyeballs in his tight, hot ass.

Closing my eyes tightly, I tried to delay the inevitable. I tried to think of something disgusting, something that would stop me from coming in the next five seconds. Flashes of light danced in the darkness, my balls tingled.

It was so incredibly horny, I didn't want it to be over already!

But it didn't help. My balls contracted. A silly-sounding squeak came from my throat.

The man whose name I didn't know, definitely knew mine, because he moaned “Nick. Yeah! Oh, Nick.”

Just as I surrendered, opening my eyes to look at our union one last time in the mirror on the wardrobe door opposite the bed, to watch myself come, the door next to the wardrobe opened and Roger poked his head in.

“Nick, did I leave my Walkma…uh!”

His head disappeared, the door closed and I exploded. Breathing heavily, I collapsed over the man.
"Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!" I gasped against his sweaty neck. I meant it. He had given me a perfect first time, even though I didn't even know what his name was.

It was only hours later, when my lover had long since left, that I remembered Roger had caught us.

That didn't worry me.

My friends knew I was gay and no one seemed to have a problem with it.

Besides, I had also seen Roger and Gio in action.

They were so cute.

Giovanna had once told me after a drinking bout that they had both been virgins until shortly before the wedding.

Grinning, I took Roger's Walkman from the bedside cabinet, which he had left in my hotel room last night.

When we were travelling and his wife wasn't around, Roger would often drop by my place and we would spend hours smoking and talking on hotel balconies. Unlike John, Charlie, and Andy, we weren't that interested in binge drinking and partying.
Lately I've been a bit worried about our drummer. He was so quiet. Even quieter than usual. And he always looked kind of tired.

Bringing him back the Walkman would be a good opportunity to cautiously ask if he was all right.

So I knocked on his room door. Nothing.
I knocked again, because I was sure he was there.
"Rog? I've got your Walkman."

"Go away, Nick!"

Excuse me? What was that about?

I just opened the door. It wasn't locked. And he hadn't even bothered to knock earlier, so...

"My goodness, you're in a bad mood today, Roger. What happened?”
I looked around the room and discovered that he was sitting on the balcony smoking. I took the cigarettes out of my shirt pocket and lit one. We could talk on the balcony.

"Did you sleep badly?" I asked as I stepped up to him and put my hand on his shoulder.

And then my world shattered. My faith in humanity. My faith in friendship.

"Don't you dare touch me; you faggot!" His gaze was so full of hate and disgust that I flinched.

I was so shocked that I could only stare at him in horror.

"Touch me again and I'll knock your teeth out!" growled the thing that had once been my friend.

"Roger." I whispered, stunned. I just couldn't believe it!

He was my friend! It was Roger, damn it! Dear, kind, shy Roger.

His hands clenched into fists.

He would beat me! He would hit me because he was disgusted by me. One of my best friends!

I didn't care. It couldn't hurt more than that look on his face, than those words.

I waited. Waited with a wildly beating heart for one of the nicest people in the world to ram his fist into my face because I was gay.

Nothing happened. He turned away.

"Get out!"

I felt numb as I walked stiffly out of the room, Walkman still in hand.

A few months later, months in which we had avoided each other like the devil avoids holy water, Roger announced his departure from the band.

Everyone wondered why this happened. Too much stress, they said. Roger couldn't cope with being famous, they speculated.

But I knew the truth. A truth I told no one because it hurt so much.
Roger Taylor had left because he was a hateful, homophobic asshole.

1999
The universe hated me.
Everything, but really everything, went wrong.
Micah, with whom I had been together for almost ten years, left me.

Because, as he said, he couldn't stand my bad mood any more.
But how, pray tell, was I supposed to be in a good mood?
John was gone.
Simon would rather ride his motorbike than take care of the band.

Warren would rather be at the gym than in the studio.

I was the only one trying to save what had once been one of the most successful bands in the world.

I angrily tore the photos of Micah off the walls.

Fine. I didn't need anyone. I would make it, alone. Friendship was just an illusion anyway, I knew that from the hateful words of a man I thought was one of my best friends.

In the end, we all only cared about ourselves. Simon's motorbike was more important than the music. Warren preferred to pose naked in gay magazines, proud of his muscular body.

I was the only one who fucking cared about this fucking band.

Briefly I was tempted to call Wes and Joe. The two who still seemed happy to be making music.

I let it go.

Today I would wallow in self-pity.

I threw the half-torn pictures into a box and took it to the attic.

When I opened the door of my old wardrobe, which had been in my childhood bedroom in Hollywood, Birmingham and where I kept all my old stuff, something fell to the floor.

A Walkman.

Wow. It was amazing how much pain the sight of such a device could cause. After so many years.

Why had I kept the thing in the first place?

I dropped down on the dusty floor next to it, buried my face in my hands and cried.
I just couldn't take it any more.

A few hours later I was sitting, carefully styled, at the bar of my favourite gay club.

Enough tears. Enough anger.

I was Nick Rhodes. I would not let painful memories of then or the unpleasant now get me down.

I would get drunk and look at handsome men. After all, I was single again.

Unfortunately, it was the middle of the week, the club was not well attended and the attractiveness of those present was rather below average.

In one of the seating areas sat a group of drunken women who were obviously having great fun.

A hen party.

Women liked to go to gay clubs. Here they could dance and get drunk without any guy bothering them.

I toasted them with my vodka glass. It was nice to see tolerant people. People who still believed in love.

"To the bride-to-be!" I called out to them.

A whole five seconds later, said bride-to-be was standing next to me.

"Nicholas! How nice to see you! It's been quite a while, hasn't it? "
The sight of her should have pained me in a similar way to that of the Walkman, because she reminded me even more of Roger.

Instead, I was really happy to see her. I had always liked her. And the fact that she was getting married, for at least the second time, meant that she had broken up with that idiot.

"Giovanna!" We embraced. She pressed champagne-scented kisses on my cheeks.
"You look good, Nick! You've hardly changed. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. You know, my sweetheart's younger brother is gay and he's a total fan of yours."

"I'm sure your homophobic asshole of an ex-husband is thrilled to death with your new brother-in-law," I snapped.

Shit. Why did I have to say that?
"Excuse me?" She looked at me as if I had completely lost my mind. Which was kind of the case, otherwise I wouldn't have said that.

"Oh, come on, Gio. You were married. Didn't he ever tell you he almost knocked my teeth out?"

"I don't understand a word you're saying. It could be because I'm really drunk. So could you please make me understand very slowly and clearly what the hell you're talking about?"

It was the first time I told anyone. From the beginning.
How much I wanted to finally have sex with a man. Real sex.
How John and Simon had convinced me that there were certainly gay groupies out there.
That they had been right.
How I had experienced a really terrific first time with a man I didn't even know the name of.

I told her how Roger had burst in, two seconds before my orgasm.

When I got to the part where Roger had called me a faggot and threatened to knock my teeth out, she gasped in horror.

"Impossible! Not Roger. That doesn't make any sense!"

"What, are you suggesting I'm lying?"

"No...I...that..." And then she turned and walked back to her friends.

I was sorry that I had spoiled her mood, but it still hurt that she just left me standing there. That she didn't believe me.

So, I ignored the table where the women were sitting and devoted myself to the vodka instead.

I was all the more surprised when Giovanna reappeared next to me about an hour later.

She pushed a scribbled beer mat towards me.

"What's this?" I was already slurring my words, I realised.

"His address. I've been thinking...and I...we're still friends, Roger...and I...so..." Gio was clearly much drunker than I was. "I...fuck, Nick. Go there. Please go! He's not...it's not...ah, fucking hell, man, I'm fucking drunk. I shouldn't be talking to you. Go to him, Nick. Promise me."

"I can't promise you that, Gio. Because I'm stuck on my teeth. I like my teeth."

She giggled.
"Yes, they are beautiful. Really nice."

"You're drunk as an old sailor, lady."

"That's right. But so are you. "

"Not quite. I'm still working on it."

Three weeks later I was standing outside a cute little cottage in Warwickshire.

The address had been scribbled on a beer mat by a very drunk woman.

What was I doing here? Honestly, I had no idea.

The situation around the band had worsened. Simon had bought a shitty boat and was sailing around somewhere.

I'd caught Warren doing a line of coke the other day.

I'd shouted at them both, and I'd even slapped Simon.

I didn't want to be like that, damn it.

I didn't want to hate them, I didn't want to be angry with them.

Hate didn't help anyone.

Maybe I wanted to make peace with Roger. Maybe I just wanted to know why he hated me so much. I didn't know.

But I was standing here, in front of this kitschy little house, with an ancient Walkman in my hand.
I flinched as the front door opened, tempted for a split second to just run away.

Why was I here?

But the person who came through the door was not Roger. It was a small person. A girl. And behind the girl, a monster of a dog squeezed through the door. A giant dog with a dress on.

A drag queen dog.

I went into a hysterical fit of laughter.

The little girl laughed too, while she and the dressed-up dog came towards me.

Normally I was afraid of dogs, but this one looked so funny that I just couldn't find it threatening.

"Hi!" said the girl when she reached me. "This is Lilly." She stroked the dog's huge skull, emblazoned with a pink ribbon.

"I like Lilly's dress," I said.

"It used to be mine. But my pink phase is over."

"So is mine, fortunately. Pink just doesn't suit me."

"Your eyes are so beautiful."

" Thank you very much. Yours are too. With whom do I have the pleasure?"

"Oh dear, how rude of me not to introduce myself. I'm Ellie. And I know who you are. Nick Rhodes.”
"That's right. Listen. Ellie, maybe you can help me. I want to visit someone and they told me he lives here. His name is Roger. Do you know him by any chance?"

Elli snorted. "Of course I know him. He's my father, after all. Come with me."

She reached for my hand. "Lilly and I want to bring them something to eat. We're building a tree house, a really cool one. Dad says that if Lilly is with me, I can even spend the night there when it's finished."

A little taken aback, I let Roger's daughter pull me along. The little girl chattered incessantly as we walked along a narrow path. I barely caught what she was saying, though, because I was fighting a moderate panic attack.

For the millionth time, I asked myself what I was doing here.

By now we had reached a small group of trees and I could hear hammering and sawing. In between, a few hearty curses.

"Damn it, Liam, watch out! Put your helmet on!" That was definitely Roger.

" It's going to crush my hair and I'll look like shit!”
I know I shouldn't even be thinking this, but this Liam guy sounded really...well, like a faggot. A poofy poof.

"You know what looks even shittier? Your bashed-in skull after a branch fell on your pretty head."

"Very funny, Rog, really."

Ellie giggled.

"That's Uncle Liam. I call him Aunt Liam when I want to tease him. He's Mum's husband's brother."

The gay brother-in-law, then. He was standing in front of a huge tree. I don't know what kind of tree . I don't know about trees. But it was huge.

"Finally, Elli, I'm about to starve! "he squeaked. He was really very, very faggy.

Then he spotted me and slapped his hand over his mouth in an even more poofy gesture. "Oh! Em! Gee!" He kicked his helmet off his head, which he had obviously just put on.
"I'll kill you, Roger! I swear I'll kill you! Oh god! Nick Rhodes! And I look like shit because you made me put this helmet on!”
My gaze wandered up the tree trunk to an imposing tree house, complete with door and windows and everything. Roger's head just appeared at the doorway.

I had such an overwhelming Deja vu that I almost fell. That was exactly how he had looked when he stuck his head in my hotel room. Even the expression on his face was the same. A kind of shocked bewilderment.

"Well, I usually look better, really. But Papa Bear insisted that I help out here." Liam babbled.

His words rushed past me without meaning.

I stared at Roger. Roger stared back.

Unbelievable. He still looked like he would be a nice lad, not like someone who threatens to hit people because they love men.

"Nick? Is that really you?"

Paralysed, I watched him climb down the ladder. Until he was standing in front of me. Very close in front of me. I involuntarily took a step back.

Roger made a choked noise that sounded like a sob. A dry, painful sob.

I didn't notice that Liam was looking from one to the other, fascinated. I didn't notice that he took the protesting Elli by the hand and disappeared behind some trees with her and the drag queen dog.

My heart was racing. I wanted to run away. I was scared shitless of Roger.

"You're scared of me," Roger said softly.

"I am." I forced myself to stand still. Not to retreat any further.

It was Roger who took a step back to give me space. To not scare me. Then I realised that my fear was unfounded.

"I don't know why I am here," I said what I had thought a million times. "Maybe because I want answers. Maybe I want to forgive you. Or maybe I want to tell you to your face that you're a fucking homophobic asshole. I don't know, Roger." Startled, I looked around for Ellie, who I hoped hadn't heard that.

Roger swallowed. Nodded. "Whatever you're here for, I'm glad you came."
“Is that so? Why, when you hate me so much?”

"I don't hate you, Nick!"

My paralysing fear had given way to sheer anger. The kind of anger that Warren and Simon had already felt. The kind of anger I actually despised.

"Don't bullshit me, Roger! I've met a lot of homophobes in my life. I've seen a lot of disgusted faces. But not one, Roger, not one, has been as full of hate and loathing as yours. And you were my friend! Damn it, Roger, you were my friend!” I shouted my anger in his face and it felt good. It really did feel good.
And because it did, I just kept on yelling at him.
“You know what I just don't understand, you asshole? You knew! You were one of the first to know. That I was gay. And we talked about it. And you weren't an asshole, Roger! You were kind and understanding. Was it so disgusting for you to see what gays do in bed? Were those two seconds of seeing my dick in another man's ass so disgusting to you? Fucking hell, you wanker! I've caught you all having sex more than once. I've seen you do things I can't even begin to imagine. Was I disgusted? No. Do I want to lick pussy? Definitely not. But to each his own. Why can't you uptight homophobes understand that?"

"Stop!" someone yelled.

It was Liam.

For a brief, absolutely terrifying moment, I feared that little Ellie was with him. That she had heard all that. But she was nowhere to be seen.

"I take the liberty of interrupting your monologue at this point, before I hear things that, while they don't disgust me, do make me a little uncomfortable. I don't know what kind of really weird thing is going on here, but it looks like it's going to go on for a while. I've packed you a few things, because you're going to stay out here. There's a seven-year-old girl in the house who doesn't need to know about any of this, are we clear on that? Make yourselves comfortable up in the tree house and talk, damn it. Here are blankets, food and drinks. I'm going to watch Mulan with Ellie for the millionth time, ten times in a row if I have to. Sort it out, for fuck's sake!” He slammed a big backpack and a cooler at my feet and disappeared.

I suddenly felt completely empty. There was nothing there any more. No anger. Only emptiness.

"I said what I wanted to say. I'm going to leave. Here's your fucking Walkman, Roger." I threw it at him. He caught it. I turned.

“Please, don`t go.” he said quietly.
"Roger, you don't seriously think I'm going to sit in this stupid tree house with you like we're Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn? Like we're best buddies? "

"What about answers, Nick? Please at least give me a chance to explain. I am so sorry that I hurt you so much, Nick. I didn't mean to. "

"Maybe you should have thought about that before you threatened to knock my teeth out. And the disgust and hate on your face, in your words, I will never forget."
"Did you ever listen to it? The cassette in the Walkmann? I recorded it for you."

"I didn't. I don't know why I even kept that fucking thing."

"Remember how we talked about whether or not you should come out? You were worried it wouldn't be good for the band. So I made you this tape. It's only gay singers on it. Or bands that had at least one out gay person in them at the time. I just... well, you should know that it works. That you're not alone."

"Honestly, Roger, I just don't understand you! Are you schizophrenic or something? Like Jekyll and Hyde?"

"Give me a chance to explain, please!"
He looked desperate. And sad. I almost felt sorry for him.

So a little while later we were sitting in the tree house, facing each other. Liam had packed beer. And cigarettes.

The tree house didn't have a roof yet, and Roger and I silently blew little smoke rings into the cloudless sky.

"What are you waiting for? Talk to me!" I snapped at him.

"I...it's not easy. I don't know exactly where to start. Have you ever met a person, Nick, that you were sure you wanted to spend your life with? Someone you could see your future with? I did with Gio. We didn't know each other three days before I knew I was gonna marry her, we were gonna have kids... A house in the country. Horses. It wasn't a pipe dream or anything. I saw it, plain as day. I saw my whole life in front of me, my life with Gio. They use that expression so often, that the wedding is the most beautiful day of your life so far. For me it was. I was the happiest person in the world. And then, not even a month after the wedding, I realised that I was attracted to someone else. At first it wasn't too worrying. It wasn't sexual or anything. It was just that I was incredibly enjoying being with this other person. That I was happy when we had time to talk. That I found it nice to make this person laugh. That was you, Nick. You were that person. And as time went on, I started thinking strange things. Things like, oh, he looks so incredibly beautiful sitting next to me looking at the stars and explaining constellations to me. Things like, I'd really like to stroke his hair. I like the sound of his voice. I like the way he laughs. The whole thing started to tip over, became kind of physical. That disturbed me deeply, you know? It wasn't that I suddenly didn't love Gio any more. I did. But I also felt more and more attracted to you, and I realised that my feelings were not purely amicable.”

"Are you telling me you've fallen in love with me?" I ask, stunned.

"At the time I vehemently denied it. I told myself that you were a special person to whom one had special feelings that were different from others, simply because you were different yourself. I couldn't possibly be gay. After all, I loved Gio. After all, I was so sure that I wanted to spend my life with her. It can't be what can't be. So I simply enjoyed what I could get. Our conversations. The time together. And then... then I saw you. With that man. In this man," Roger swallowed. Tears ran down his cheeks. I didn't think he noticed them.

"And...I...damn! I wanted to be that man! I wanted to look into your eyes when you had that look on your face, because fuck, that was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life, Nick Rhodes! And it wasn't fucking supposed to be, you know? I was married! I loved Gio!

You asked if those two seconds disgusted me that much... they didn't. They destroyed the life that I had so clearly in mind. The children. The house in the country, the horses. Two seconds, your face, your...your cock in the ass that I wished was mine. That was so stupid. That doesn't happen in two seconds... I took a cold shower; I went for a run until I almost collapsed from exhaustion. I asked John if he had any coke for me. I just wanted to distract myself. I did not want to think about your face, let alone your cock! I wanted Gio. John didn't give me any, for which I am very grateful to him today, so I went to my room and started drinking. And I jerked off. Several times. I thought if I could just think about Gio while I did it, everything would be okay. But I did not think about Gio. And then you knocked. I didn't want to see you. I couldn't deal with it all. Yes, I was angry, and I was disgusted, but by myself, Nick. And I thought if I just pushed you far enough away from me..."
He lifted his head, looked at me from eyes wet with tears.

"I am so sorry. I really never meant to hurt you."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know how to feel. Maybe I should have taken him in my arms, but I couldn't do that. It was all just too much. I first had to really understand what he had just said to me.
Roger sniffled and almost defiantly rubbed the tears away. "I'll keep it short, ok? I was still of the opinion that I wasn't gay. That it was all about you, so I left the band.
And for a few years it really looked like I could have this life after all, with Gio. Ellie was born and we were so incredibly happy. And then, it's so ridiculous it almost hurts, I fell in love with Ellie's paediatrician. Well... We broke up, Gio and I. I moved in with Max. Unfortunately, Max was a notorious cheater. Then Mike came along, who also had a child Ellie's age, and it was almost perfect. For me, anyway. But he decided, after 3 years of living together, that he would rather be with the mother of his child again. Since then, I have been alone with Ellie, and I enjoy it very much. Until a few years ago, she still lived with Gio, because I was afraid to tell her I was gay. I thought she would have problems in kindergarten and later at school. But then I came across this rainbow parent-child group. It was a blessing. In front of you, you see the proud, outed chairman of *Beautiful colours*. So yes, I behaved like an asshole, and I can only tell you again and again that I am terribly sorry for that. But I was a cowardly asshole, not a homophobic one."

My head was spinning. So much totally unexpected information.

"I should go now Roger, this is...it's just too much for me right now. I need to let this sink in."

"I understand,” he nodded.

I didn't say goodbye. I just left.

At home, I called our management. They were to find Simon.
I felt strange. Not bad. Just strange. And I had to get to grips with what was important to me in life.

I wasn't sure if Roger was part of it. If I even wanted to see him again.

Amazing.
The universe seemed to have decided not to hate me anymore. Not that it suddenly loved me, but at least it didn't put any more obstacles in my way. Simon had broken off his sailing trip without complaining and returned to the studio. Warren showed that he was even better on guitar than he was at posing for gay magazines. We would have to talk about the coke thing, but all in all the work on our new album went surprisingly well.

A week after I sat in the tree house with Roger, my mother visited me in London.

It was a beautiful summer day and we strolled through Hyde Park.

And that's where the universe put something in my way.

A dog. A very big dog with a pink dress and a bow on its head.

“Lilly!” I said in surprise.
My mother, who knew I was terrified of dogs, gasped, even more surprised, "Nick!" as I patted the dog's huge skull.
Then someone else called my name and Ellie almost ran into me, wrapped her arms around me like we were best friends and beamed at me.

"Lilly brought me here to meet you!"

"Eh, yes!" I was a little confused that she seemed so happy to see me. We had met once. For maybe five minutes.

Ellie let go of me and turned to my mother.

"I'm Ellie. This is my dog Lilly. My group is having a picnic by the lake, but Lilly ran away and I had to look for her."

"Oh, then we should hurry back to the lake before someone comes looking for you." smiled Mum. "I'm Sylvie, Nick's mum." The two shook hands. Lilly wagged her tail lazily.

Now I was in a bit of distress, because my mother would surely want to know how I knew this child.
And then I would have to tell her that I had been with Roger, and she would be overjoyed because she had always been quite fond of Roger.

Then I would also have to tell her at some point what had happened back then, and then she would be sad that I hadn't told her sooner....

Besides, I was still not sure whether I wanted further contact with Roger.

Ellie seemed to have other plans, because she took me by the hand again and pulled me along the path, just like she had done in Warwickshire.

And I couldn't refuse a seven-year-old, could I?

"How do you know Nick?" my mother asked.

"He visited us last week. But I already knew who he was. Dad told me a lot. About JT and Charlie and Andy, but especially about Nick. Dad thinks Nick is really brave. He said that in the past it was much harder for gays than it is today, and many people didn't dare to say they were gay. But Nick did, and that was very brave. Because my dad didn't dare for a long time."

My mother frowned.

"Who is your dad, Ellie?"

"You have to guess. I'll give you a hint. My mum is from Italy."

"Oh my god!" squeaked Mum, putting her hand over her mouth. She reminded me of Liam at that moment.

"You're Roger's little girl!"

"I'm not little, I'm almost eight."
Mother looked at me punishingly,
"Why didn't you tell me, Nicholas?"

"I ...uh..."

"Daddy," Ellie shouted, letting go of my hand and storming over to a group of people on the shore of the lake.

"Daddy, Daddy, look who Lilly found!"

"Oh my God!" my mother called out again and ran. Yes, she ran, she really did.
I, on the other hand, remained rooted to the spot.

Seeing my mother hug Roger, seeing the joy on their faces, it did something to me. Something huge.

I had tried so hard for so many years not to think about Roger, and when I did, there was always this angry, distorted face. The vicious words. Whenever I thought about Roger, it hurt. All the memories of him as he had been before that evening had been erased.

And now, as my mother and Roger hugged each other, laughing, they came back. All the beautiful, funny, exciting things we had experienced together.

It was tremendous.

"Woof," Lilly, who was amazingly still standing next to me, looked up at me as if to say, "go on, you idiot.”

I laughed softly and took a step. Took another. Until I was standing in front of Roger and Mama, who were still hugging and showering each other with compliments.

"Hi," I said, and Roger let go of my mother.
"Hi." he went , looking at me uncertainly.

Oh fuck it! I pulled Roger into my arms a little awkwardly. It was nowhere near as joyful and effusive as my mother's hug. We would probably need some more time to be able to meet each other so unselfconsciously. But it was a beginning.

"So, what's this illustrious group here?" my mother asked, pointing at all the people who were staring at us curiously.

"These are the beautiful colours. Come, I'll introduce you to them." Ellie pulled my mother away.

"Well, this is a surprise." said Roger.

"Yes, isn't it? Lilly sat in the middle of the path like she was waiting for us."

"Lilly's a real smart dog."

We smiled at each other.
"Wouldn't you like to introduce me to your people, Mr. Chairman?" It was a motley crew. Children from toddlers to teenagers. With one single parent, with two fathers, with two mothers.

And it was quite obvious how much they all liked Roger.

I found myself staring at him more than once, in disbelief at how confident and easy-going he had become. But mostly I was just glad that I didn't have to hate him anymore. Happy to be able to think again of all the beautiful things we had experienced together. That Roger was Roger again in my memory, not this mean, vicious monster.

As the group gradually dispersed, my mother felt she had to invite Roger and Ellie to dinner.

"That's sweet, Sylvie, but we still have a two-hour drive ahead of us," Rog said regretfully.

"Oh nonsense! Nick has a huge penthouse here in London, with plenty of room for guests. We'll have dinner together and you'll spend the night at Nick's."

"Oh yes, oh yes!" Ellie bounced up and down like a rubber ball and clapped her hands enthusiastically.

"Maybe we should ask Nick if he's okay with it first!", Roger slowed his daughter down.

"Well, it looks like the ladies have already decided. " I laughed.

Although I didn't feel like laughing. I would have to have a serious talk with my mother, because what she had in mind was obvious.
But first we went to eat.
Afterwards, at my place, I opened a bottle of wine.

It did not surprise me in the least that my mother, demonstratively yawning, excused herself and disappeared with Ellie, who was indeed very tired, into the larger of the two guest rooms. Oh yes, we would really have to have a serious word with each other!

I carried wine and nibbles to the balcony where Roger was leaning against the parapet smoking.

"She took you quite by surprise, dear Sylvie." he smiled at me. "I hope that's all right with you."

"I'm more than pleased that you're here. It's been a lovely day. What I don't like is the fact that my dear mother is already planning our wedding in her mind."

Roger laughed a little sheepishly. "What makes you think that?"

"She always liked you, you know that, don't you? And then this adorable kid shows up and tells her you're gay. You should have seen that devious gleam in her eye. Did you notice she was asking everyone about you today? She thought it was unremarkable, but I know my mother."

"Woof!" made Lilly approvingly.

"See, even the dog knows what's up! So my dear mother found out that you are not only actually gay, but also single. Besides, you have this lovely daughter, and Sylvia Bates would tear her legs out for a grandchild like that. In other words, you are the absolute dream son-in-law. That's why she had to go to bed so urgently, so that the two of us could get closer without being disturbed. Sit down. Wine?"

"Yes, thank you." Roger looked extraordinarily embarrassed, not looking me in the face.

"You know," I began, "I'm very glad that your strange dog found me today. Because I wasn't sure I wanted to get in touch with you again."

Roger nodded. "To be honest, I didn't expect to see you again either. I was just happy that I could finally tell you all this. It took a heavy burden off me."

"Yes. From me too. But only today. Today I could look at you and remember my friend Roger. And I think maybe we can be friends again."

"I'd like that."

We toasted each other.

"Are you going to tell me how you found me?" asked Roger and I told him about the very drunk Gio and the beer mat.

Our conversation was a bit halting at first, but at some point, and the wine had probably contributed to this, it was almost like back then. The two of us, on a balcony, discussing life in general.

Yes, it was almost like back then. Except that we were no longer band mates.

Ellie and my mother had already made breakfast when I came out of my bedroom the next morning.

I swear my mother looked hugely disappointed when Roger joined us a little later, coming out of the second guest room.

She looked even more disappointed when we said goodbye with a short hug. Roger and Ellie were going to use Sunday to finish the tree house and Liam would help them.

She had probably expected a passionate night, or at least a goodbye kiss.

I gave her a slightly pissed off lecture about not wanting to be set up.

She gave me a slightly pissed off lecture about how I hadn't told her I'd met Roger again.

So I told her the whole story as it had happened. She winced slightly when I told her about the man whose name I didn't know. Gasped in horror when I described to her how Roger had behaved towards me. Then I told her about the encounters with Gio and Roger and the conversation in the tree house.

"Ha!" she went triumphantly.

"What's that supposed to mean now?"

"He was in love with you! "

"Yes, mum , almost 15 years ago. "

"Will you see each other again?"

"Of course we will. As friends!"

"Whatever you say, Nicholas."
"Mum..."

"Now you listen to me, son. Yes, I like Roger. Yes, I would love it if you two were more than just friends. And you know why? Because you're finally yourself again. I didn't tell you, but I was terribly worried about you. You've been so bitter, so full of rage, ever since Nigel left for America. You've driven away everyone who liked you, including Micah. And ever since you met Roger again, that anger was gone. Do you realize that yesterday was the first time I've heard you laugh in weeks, Nicholas James? Well, maybe you're just friends, but Roger's good for you, and that was true even then. The girl seems to love you, for whatever reason. And even the dog likes you. What if the universe is trying to tell you something with that, Nick?"

My mother was really good at saying things that got stuck in my brain.
That's why I often thought about it in the following days, that it had really been quite a lot of strange coincidences.

Gio's hen party at my favourite bar.

The fact that Gio's gay brother-in-law, of all people, had made sure that I could shout my anger in Roger's face for minutes on end because Liam had taken Ellie into the house.

That strange dog that had been sitting in Hyde Park in the middle of the path just as I was walking there with my mother.

But most of all, I realised that my mother was definitely right about one thing. My anger was gone.
For the first time in weeks I called John. He might be almost on the other side of the world, but he was still my best friend.

We talked on the phone for hours. I told him everything. John scolded me, as did my mother, for never talking to him about what had happened before he asked me some really interesting things about Roger.

Whether I would find him attractive. If he was my type. Whether it would be an obstacle for me if a potential partner had a child.

"A potential partner? Now you sound like my mother, Nigel."

John laughed.

I still liked hearing him laugh, even if it was only over the phone. I wasn't happy that he had gone to America, but I was happy that he was doing well. I was happy that he was happy.

"You have to admit, Nicholas, this is a pretty crazy story. First this huge misunderstanding that's been eating away at you for years. And I want to reiterate how pissed off I am that you didn't fucking talk to me, you little freak. Then all these weird coincidences. And his daughter seems to have a crush on you. That you actually petted a dog, a dog in a pink dress...Nicky, my friend, you have never petted a dog in your life! "

"Certainly not one wearing a dress."

"Try it."

"What do you mean?"

"Next time you see Roger, pay attention."

" Pay attention to what? "
"Whether you find him sexy. Whether you like him as a man. Try not to look at him as if he were an old friend. Or as the father of a daughter. Or the disturbed guy who came on to you like that. Try to see only the gay man that he is now. “

"Come on, John, admit it`! You're in cahoots with my mother!"

I rang Roger's doorbell the following day. Ellie and he had invited me for dinner and wanted to show me the tree house.

It was Ellie who opened the door and hugged me with her thin little arms.

"Hello, Nicholas! I'll always call you Nicholas now, not Nick. Because Nicholas is a nice name. It sounds nice."

"Oh, thank you. Is your name Ellie or is that also just an abbreviation? "

"A what?"

"A short form of your name, like Nick from Nicholas."

"No. My name is just Ellie."

"So, just Ellie, are you going to let me come in or are we going to stay out here?"

Ellie giggled, took my hand and pulled me into the hallway where I almost tripped over the dog.

"Why isn't Lilly wearing a dress today?"

"She didn't feel like it, "the girl shrugged. I liked this kid. She was weird in a wonderful way.

Laughing, I followed Ellie into the kitchen, looking around as inconspicuously as possible. After all, I had never been in this house before. There was the kind of manageable disorder that I already knew from John and even more so from Simon. The kind of disorder that reigned wherever children lived.

A bit chaotic, but cosy.

Roger was standing at the cooker, stirring a large pot that smelled delicious.

"Hey, I'm glad you're here! Sit down," he called over his shoulder to me.

"This is tofu Bolognese, because you're a vegetarian! "Ellie explained.

"Our cooking skills are rather sub-par, but we are the best bakers in the world. If you don't like the pasta, stick to dessert," said Roger, flashing me a smile.

"Oh, it smells fantastic anyway. So if it tastes even half as good as it smells, you guys are far better cooks than I am." I assured. “Can I help with something?”

"You are a guest. And you don't let guests help, Daddy says," Ellie said in her precocious way. I'm sure not all seven-year-olds were like that.

Over the next few weeks, we visited each other often. Sometimes Ellie and Roger were with me, sometimes I was with them.

Once I even slept in the tree house with Ellie and Lilly.

I never thought of Nigel's ridiculous idea.

Roger was my old friend, and he was Ellie's father. Full stop.

Until the universe sent me another one of those crazy coincidences.

This time it wasn't a drunken bachelorette, or a very large dog in a pink dress.

This time it was a very gay young man called Liam.

I had never seen him again since our encounter at the tree house, and his unexpected sight puzzled me somewhat.

I was at Simon's in Putney and the girls had insisted that they wanted pizza for dinner. Not homemade, but from their favourite pizza place.

The delivery driver was none other than Liam.

As I had wanted to buy the LeBons dinner and had therefore opened the door to pay for the pizza, Liam and I stood facing each other for a few seconds, very much taken aback.
"So we meet again, Nick Rhodes," Liam grinned. "And this time you're not yelling at all."

"But you're wearing a helmet again!" I grinned back.

"Shocking, isn't it? But my employer insists. And I need the money. Unfortunately, studying isn't cheap."

"What are you studying?"

"Art."

"Then you'll probably have to deliver pizzas for the rest of your life."

"Well, at least it keeps you fit. And it makes nice legs. And I can wear those sexy bike shorts."
Liam did a pirouette and wiggled his bum.
An ass I would have found appetising had Liam not been so young and so terribly poofy.

"You are my last address for today," said Liam, suddenly very serious. "Because I'm going to Warwickshire to baby-sit. Papa Bear needs another night off. Which, frankly, makes me wonder."

"Why? Doesn't everyone need a night off now and again?"

"Not like this. I thought there was something between you, Nick Rhodes. I thought he didn't need those kinds of nights off anymore."

"Liam, we're friends. Whatever Roger does on his own time is none of my business."

"Friends. I get it. In that case, you won't mind if Papa Bear goes to the "Mighty" tonight. You know it, don't you? The place with the huge darkroom, where you can have great sex without commitment? And you won't care that he gets fucked there, because you're just friends. All right. I'll have 35 quid, please. Have a nice evening."

"Hold on, Liam! Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I hope you do mind. Because I don't like him going there. Because I thought you two... oh, forget it. Just friends. I understand."
I paid, gave him a good tip and he was gone.

"Don't you like the pizza?" Simon's youngest asked me a few minutes later.

"You certainly won't get full by staring at it." laughed Si.

Holy shit. The Mighty. My old friend, father of Ellie, went to the Mighty! But he couldn't do that. He was a dad, for fuck's sake! He couldn't just let other men fuck him! You didn't do that when you had kids. And when you're so sweet and so...

Gay.

He was gay. He was a gay man who, like all gay men, wanted to have gay sex.

"I'm not hungry anymore. I don't feel so good."

"Yeah, you're all pale!" Yassie observed worriedly.

"It's ok. Not so bad. Can I use the phone?"

"Sure." Simon's face was full of question marks. Everyone looked at me in amazement as I left the room with the phone.

Liam couldn't have arrived in Warwickshire yet. Which meant Roger was still at home, because Papa Bear certainly wasn't leaving his seven-year-old daughter alone.

"Taylor?"

"Rhodes. Good evening."

"Oh, hi. " Roger sounded delighted.

I fell silent. What could I possibly say? Liam was here and said you were getting fucked tonight? And I don't want that, stay at home?

"Nick, are you there? Has something happened?"
"I, uh, yeah. So no. Yes, I'm still here, and no, nothing happened...I was just wondering if you might be free tonight? Would you like to come to London? We could go to a bar or something."

We can just sit on my balcony and talk, as long as you don't go to the Mighty, damn it!

"That's..."

"A bit short notice, I know."

"I was actually going to say that's a good idea. Because as it happens, Ellie's at her mum's for a few days. And I haven't been out for a long time. Where do you want to go?"

My place. I want to go to my place and look at you for the gay man you are. And I don't want you to get fucked. Unless, of course, I'm the one fucking you.

" Do you know the *Horizon*?” I sounded so calm. Completely calm. As if I hadn't just realised that Papa Bear wasn't just Papa Bear, but a bloody handsome man.

"It's a gay bar, right? Near Baker Street?"

"Yeah, it is."

A gay bar. A small, cosy bar for gays. Just for talking and drinking. No darkroom. Not even a dance floor.
"I could be there in a little over two hours. And I would need your guest room afterwards."

"Great! I'll meet you there." I hung up, afraid I might say something stupid after all.

In fact, the whole thing seemed pretty stupid to me by now. We had become good friends in the last few weeks, but I was a friend of the family, Yeah, I was not only Roger's friend, I was Ellie's too. And the two of them had always come in pairs. Ellie had always been there. Even if she had slept in her room or in my guest room while Roger and I talked. And the dog. The dog was always there too. And the dog was my friend too. And now, just Roger and me. Without Ellie and Lilly. At a gay bar.

Two gay guys in a gay bar. Was that a date? Friends didn't date, did they?
Or got jealous when a friend wanted to get laid again.

My goodness, I was going completely crazy!
What the hell was wrong with me?
Why did my feelings for Roger suddenly go from *good old friend* to *I don't want you fucking around with other men*?
And more than that, why did I suddenly want to fuck him?

Had I subconsciously resisted the words of my mother and my best friend so much that I simply didn't want to see it, didn't want to admit it?

I said goodbye to the LeBons, said I wasn't feeling well - which wasn't even a lie - took a taxi home and got ready.

And by that I mean that I stood in front of the mirror for ages and got ready, after I had emptied half my wardrobe and thought very carefully about what I should wear.

In other words, I was clearly getting ready for a date.
Nevertheless, I was too early at the bar. While I was still waiting for Roger, I realised two things.

Liam had lied to me. He wasn't babysitting tonight because Ellie was with her mother.

And secondly, there had already been a gigantic misunderstanding between Roger and me. We had to be honest. I had to be honest. There could be no more misunderstandings out of cowardice or fear.
My heart skipped two beats when Roger entered the small bar.

Apparently, I wasn't the only one who had made an effort to look good.

He was wearing tight black jeans and an equally tight purple t-shirt. Everyday clothes, one could think.

However, the trousers and the shirt were a little TOO tight. They were clothes that emphasised rather than concealed what they covered.
Clothes that showed his muscular arms, his tight thighs, and his pretty little butt. The colour of his shirt accentuated his big brown eyes and was a strong, striking contrast to his almost black hair.
I had to grin.

Yes, definitely. Someone had thought about showing off all his physical assets.

The only question was whether he did it because of me or because we met in a gay bar and he wanted to take the opportunity to look for a man.
"Is something wrong?" Roger asked, and only now did I realise that I had been staring at him the whole time.

"Oh, uh, no. It's just...well, you look fine."

"Thank you very much. You too."

Our hug was even more awkward than the one in Hyde Park. I intend to give Roger a quick peck on the cheek, but he turns his head so that my lips land briefly on the corner of his mouth.

God, could it get any more awkward?

Yes, it could, because now the bartender interfered.
"First date, huh? You need something to loosen up, boys. What can I get you?"

"White wine" I said, while Roger asked for "a beer" at the same time.

The bartender chuckled. "Opposites attract, eh?" He turned away to get our drinks ready.

Rog laughed softly. "Honestly, I was wondering the same thing."

"What, whether opposites attract?"

"Whether this is a date."

"I don't see a kid or a dog, we're both pretty dressed up, I guess this looks a lot like a date."

A shy smile tugged at the corners of Roger's mouth.
"That's what I was hoping. But I wasn't sure. It's been a while since I've been on a date."

"I guess visits to the Mighty's darkroom don't count as dates?"
Ouch! Congratulations, Nick. Perfect subject for a first date, really. But for some reason I just couldn't stop myself. "Would you rather have gone there?"

Roger looked at me, clearly horrified and embarrassed. "Why would you think that?"

"Liam mentioned something like that. That you wanted to go there today."

"Liam? Excuse me, Nick, but I'm a little confused right now."

So I told Roger that I had met Liam today and what exactly he had said.

"That little..."

"Faggot?" I suggested.

"I was going to say shithead. Listen, I don't know why he's telling you such bullshit. Yes, I've been to *Mighty's* before, and yes, the darkroom too. But that was months ago and I certainly wasn't going there tonight. The plan was to have a cosy, child-free evening in front of the TV. And then you called."

"I know why he said that. It was a trap. And I walked right into it. Liam, Roger, Liam thinks like my mother. And like John. "

"John?"

"John. You may remember...tall, thin, very short-sighted and my best friend? A few weeks ago we talked on the phone for hours. I told him I met you. And also what happened back then. I told him I liked your daughter, and even your dog, that we had become friends again. And he said I should try to think of you not as an old friend, but as...well, a potential partner."

"Oh? I never got the impression you thought of me that way. Until you called today."

"I called because of Liam. I...damn, Roger, the thought of you going into that darkroom and picking up men really made me sick. The idea of you getting touched, getting fucked, by strangers..." I reached for my wine glass and took a big sip.
"You're jealous," Roger observed. And he seemed quite happy about it.

"Yes, I am. And I had to wonder why that was, didn't I? Why am I jealous when you're just a friend?"

"I would be extremely interested in the answer to that question." grinned my friend Roger.

"You know, I think you're a shape-shifter. Once upon a time you were a dear friend. Then you became a vicious monster for me. And then you were Ellie's father. An old friend with a crazy dog and an equally crazy daughter who I love spending time with. Thanks to Liam, you turned into the gay guy who goes into darkrooms. And now here's the gay guy who luckily didn't go into a darkroom. And I have to say that I really like this gay guy next to me. "

"Nick?"

"Yeah?"

"If you call my daughter crazy one more time, I'm gonna knock your teeth out!"

"Oh, no! Please, not again, you vicious monster!"

We started laughing and couldn't stop.

When we finally got ourselves together again, my hand had miraculously landed in Roger's.

"That was a compliment. Ellie is crazy in a lovely way," I said as my thumb stroked the back of his hand.

"I know. She's a strange child. But wonderfully strange."

"Yes, she is."

My thumb never stopped stroking Roger's skin, and just because I felt like it, I lifted our intertwined hands to my mouth and kissed his knuckles.

Our faces came closer together. So close that the tips of our noses almost touched. So close that I had to let go of Roger's hand because our hands were in the way of our lips.

And I didn't want anything to get in the way.

At first it was just a barely perceptible touch. More like a breath. It seemed to me that Roger was laughing softly. In disbelief. Or with happiness. Maybe a little of both.

And then I gasped in surprise as the quiet, shy Roger grabbed me by the back of the neck and his lips settled firmly and at the same time wonderfully softly on mine. A tongue caressed my lips and I let it in.

Heavens!

Now that was not shy!

It was gentle and tender, but still very determined.
It tasted a bit like beer in the beginning, tart and cool, but underneath was sweet heat. Heat that spread rapidly through my whole body. I grabbed Roger by the neck as well and took over.

Roger let me take the lead, let me invade his mouth. His grip on my neck loosened, his fingers tangled in my hair, stroking and groping, like a gentle massage. It was simply beautiful.
This heat that I felt, it wasn't a burning passion or anything. It was the warm feeling of coming home. The realisation of being where I belonged.

It was quite an overwhelming feeling and I had to interrupt the kiss to look at Roger. I had to convince myself that it was really him. The man I had not been able to think about for so many years without becoming sad and angry.
"It's quite a long way to get here, isn't it?" I said quietly.

"It's crazy," Roger nodded.

We intertwined our hands again and just looked at each other for a while.
"You have such beautiful eyes, " he said.

"That's what your daughter said. And I told her the same thing I'm telling you now: so do you. "

"She likes you very much, Ellie. You know that, right? She's always asking when we're going to visit you again, or when you're coming to stay with us. "

"I've never liked a kid as much as her-no, wait, Atlanta, of course. She's my godchild."

"I guess she's the daughter of that short-sighted skinny guy who thought you should consider me as a potential partner? Tell me about John. How`s he doing?”

I did. I talked about Atlanta, about John and Gela's wedding, about the absurdly big house in Los Angeles. And then I told him about Simon and Yassie, their daughters and finally about Warren, Wes and Joe, our work in the studio and what our new album would sound like.

For the first time I talked to him about Duran Duran without speaking in the past tense. And somewhere in the back of my mind a nice little thought started. How wonderful it would be if Roger were part of this band again.

We talked and laughed, held hands, drank, smooched a little and were both quite surprised when the barkeeper announced that he wanted to close the place now.

Apart from us, there was no one left.
In the taxi, on the way to my flat, we were strangely quiet. Which was especially noticeable because we had been talking for hours.

I don't know why he was silent, but I was because I was starting to get nervous.

I had made up the guest room for Roger, but would he really want to sleep there? Did I want him to sleep there?

Normally I didn't ask myself that question. No gay man I had taken home had ever slept in the guest room. In fact, I had always gone to great lengths to make sure they slept as little as possible.

I wasn't someone to take too long, I liked sex, and when someone came with me, it was always clear where it was going.

But this was different.
Did I want sex? Did Roger want sex? Right now?

Or would it perhaps be better to take it slowly?
Sure, we had made out, and that had been sexy, but it wasn't the kind of making out that signalled *I want more*. Not a laboriously suppressed horniness, but rather a cautious exploration of each other.

And it struck me that I knew nothing at all about Roger in this respect. Normally, one quickly made that clear among gay men. Hey, I'm into blowjobs, what do you like? Are you active or passive? Do you like it a little rough?
And even if one did not speak so clearly about it, one always sent and received certain signs based on which one could assess each other.

But I was unable to tell anything about Roger in terms of his sexual preferences.
Maybe because I had only thought of him as a friend for so long, or because Ellie had always been there.

In any case, it was a completely new situation for me that made me feel quite insecure. As I said, I liked sex and I wasn't ashamed of it. I had no problems doing and saying what I wanted, but this time I didn't even know what I wanted.
Roger disappeared into the bathroom as soon as we were in my flat and I made us two martinis without even asking him if he wanted one.
I took the glasses out onto the balcony, where I lit a cigarette and looked thoughtfully up at the night sky.

"What are you brooding about? "Roger's voice sounded behind me.

"Oh, nothing. I made us martinis and I don't even know if you like martinis."

"I love martinis. "

"Thank God."

He came up next to me. Very close to me. I could smell him, and he smelled really good.

A lighter flared up and we both stood there smoking without looking at each other.

"You look even prettier today than you did then, looking at the stars like that," he said.

"But I'm not looking at the stars at all. To be honest, I did ponder. About whether you still want to sleep in the guest room. And whether I want you to."

I could hear Roger smirking, at least that's what it seemed like to me. We still didn't look at each other or touch each other.

"No, I wasn't planning on sleeping in the guest room, Nick Rhodes." His voice sounded rough and sexy. My heartbeat quickened.

"And what were you planning to do?" I asked.

"To look you in the face while you're inside me, or even when I have your cock in my mouth. Anyway, I want to have you inside me and look at you. I've wanted that for a long time. "

His directness was unexpected and turned me on beyond belief.

Again, Roger showed me another side of himself, a side that I liked extraordinarily. My cock liked it too.

What I also liked was to provoke a little, to play, to tease, so I said:

"Roger Andrew Taylor, sex on the first date? And you were such a sweet, shy boy! "

"Well, you know, many, many years ago I saw a very handsome man fucking another man, I guess it debauched me.”

When I woke up, it was glistening bright. The sun shone through the window.
The man next to me was snoring softly, had thrown off the covers in his sleep and presented himself to me in all his nakedness.

This man who was so much.
My old friend and bandmate. What I thought was a homophobic asshole. Father of Ellie, president of a gay parents group. A new friend, in a way.

And now he was one thing above all else. My lover. My wonderful, fantastic, thoroughly debauched lover.
Tenderly, I traced the line of his spine with one finger. It was hardly a real touch, because I didn't want to wake him up, I just wanted to look at him lying there, naked and asleep, and enjoy the moment.

The martini glasses were still untouched on the balcony, for Roger had clearly not been after teasing and banter. I grinned as I thought of how he had simply grabbed me and carried me into the bedroom.
There he had thrown me on the bed.

I had laughed a little, but only briefly, because Roger began to undress without further ado.

I watched him with wide eyes.

"You're in a hurry, aren't you? "

"No. If you're still not sure you want me to sleep in the guest room, I just want you to know what you'd be missing."

"Can it be that you're a little bit conceited?"

"Again, no. I want you to see that I'm not fucking shy little Roger anymore."

Wow! Truly, he was not! Even then he had been the most athletic of us, the one with the most muscles, but due to his shy manner this very masculine appearance was somehow not really noticeable.

Well, that was clearly no longer the case.

In front of me stood a now naked man who, no shit, reminded me of the famous David statue. Except for the fact that the young David had neither chest hair nor a particularly impressive cock.
Roger had both. A real fur on his chest that invited you to bury your fingers in it and scratch it.

And his cock...

My mouth watered, which didn't happen very often when I saw a cock.
Roger looked like a hairy Greek sex god. And his dark eyes glowed like a demon's.

Never in my life would I have thought of him like that, so shameless, proud and lustful.

"Come here!" I growled.

"Are you sure? I can go to the guest room if you like." Fuck, how could anyone grin so filthily?

"You certainly won't. You're going to be a good boy and come here."

"I guess I can handle the coming here part, but I don't feel like being a good boy.”
With a skilful dive, Roger threw himself on the bed next to me, grabbed me and pulled me over his naked body. I was enveloped in the wonderful scent of man. Strong, impatient fingers worked at my shirt.

I grabbed his wrists and pinned his arms firmly into the mattress above his head.

"Not so hasty, my dear. Firstly, I'm not a big fan of quickies, secondly, it's me who sets the pace, understand? I want to enjoy you. We have time. Lots of time."

Roger smiled. No dirty grin this time. " As you wish."

To my delight, he left his arms where they were as I let go of his wrists.

"You can be a good boy after all." I smiled back and rolled off him. His black eyes followed my every move as I sat up and began to unbutton my shirt.

I had missed being looked at like that. So full of desire and admiration. Micah hadn't looked at me like that for a long time before we broke up.

I threw the shirt on the floor, stood up and took off my shoes.

Roger licked his lips. His erect cock dripped.

Fuck. I couldn't help it! Still in my trousers, I knelt astride Roger's legs and reached for the pretty, dripping thing. I bent down and licked up the delicious drops.

Roger gasped. "Is this your idea of slow?"

"I just wanted a taste. "And now that I was at it, I slowly kissed my way up his belly to his chest, took one of the hard little nipples in my mouth and sucked on it. He whimpered softly.

"Nice?" I asked without releasing the knob from my mouth.

"Very nice."

So I kept sucking and licking until Roger was writhing under me like an eel. He no longer managed to keep his arms idly above his head. I enjoyed the strong hands stroking my back as much as I enjoyed his moans, his writhing and his taste. I enjoyed the way Roger gave himself to my caresses and the way he touched me.

I even allowed his hands to move down and cup my buttocks. At this point I always felt obliged to make it clear that I was a top and that I didn't like it when someone grabbed my ass in such a demanding way. But Roger's hands felt good, and that I would be inside him and not the other way round, we had already clarified,

"Please take off those annoying pants," he panted in my ear.

"Don't be so impatient." I lightly pinched the nipple that was not in my mouth.

"Ah!" went Roger. "Yes, please!"

Well, well, well, someone liked it a little rough, huh?

Instead of pinching one nipple harder, I bit the other.

Roger cried out. His fingers dug almost painfully into my buttocks.

"Fuck, yes!"

Fuck yes indeed! It was divine.
After a while of tender nibbling, holding Roger in anticipation of another bite, I kissed my way back towards his cock. However, I did not turn my attention to his twitching hardness, but to the full balls underneath.
Licked, sucked and nibbled at them.

Roger almost went crazy with lust. Moans and whimpers alternated with heartfelt imprecations of me, curses with fervent pleading.

He begged me to continue. Commanded me to stop and fuck him at last, and I enjoyed every single second.

"You are abysmally evil! Why are you torturing me like this? Please, please stop. No, oh God, don't stop! Fuck, Nick! "

When I lifted his heavy scrotum and licked the wrinkled skin of his anus with a broad tongue, he fell silent.

If he hadn't pulled both legs to his chest at the same time to give me more room, I would have thought he wouldn't like that. It was amazing how many men were extremely uncomfortable being rimmed, whereas they had no problem being fucked.
Roger's behaviour, however, suggested that he was rather uncertain, but nevertheless curious. Which in turn could only mean that this was something new for him.
To be on the safe side, I asked. "Has no one ever licked you before? "

"No. Never. "

"I'm honoured to be the first. I'll do it often, whenever I want to fuck you. Because I don't like lube. It's cold, smells chemical and tastes awful. Of course, if you don't like it at all..."

"Go on. It's not unpleasant, I'm just not used to it.”
Well, it didn't take him long to enjoy it to the fullest. His moans and gasps, his earthy taste, it all made me so horny that I finally had to pull down my pants and fuck him. Our first time didn't last very long. As he had said, he looked me in the face as I came deep inside him. And I looked at his. Never again would I see the angry, hateful face of that time in front of me. Only this one. That beautiful, intimate face of lust.
Afterwards we talked, lying close together in bed. Slowly began to caress and kiss each other until we again lusted after each other.
The whole thing was repeated one more time before exhaustion overtook us.

And now I lay here looking at the sleeping Roger, hardly able to believe that all this had really happened.

Two seconds. A man whose name I did not know. So much hate and anger and sadness.

A drunken bride. A little girl. A horribly gay young man and a dog with a pink dress.

The universe had strange ideas.

But we`ve got to believe it will be all right in the end.