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Jesper suppressed the urge to reach for the cigarette holder he kept on his headboard. He had acquired the habit after he’d moved into the Van Eck mansion with Wylan. The nicotine helped take the edge off his itch. Wylan’s body shivered against his own. Jesper’s arms were wrapped secure, and yet lazily, around the boy’s torso. It had been good. More than good, actually. Sex with Wylan was always more than good. Since the very first time, that fleeting chance back before Ravka. Before the ice court and Jesper had thought Wylan was dead, only to have him lying in bed next to him. Laying with his head on Jesper’s chest. Wylan sighed happily and hummed a few notes.
“You’re gorgeous, love,” Jesper raised a hand to run his fingers through Wylan’s hair. The action made the younger boy moan, a quiet little noise that was half-muffled by Jesper’s chest. Still, despite all this, the afterglow and the complete satisfaction, Jesper felt uneasy.
Wylan glanced up at him. “You alright?”
“What?” Jesper’s hand stilled for a moment.
“I can hear you thinking. What’s wrong?”
“Wrong? Nothing’s wrong,” Jesper’s finger’s twitched in Wylan’s hair.
“Nothing’s wrong,” Wylan repeated Jesper’s words with a quiet huff. “I don’t believe that for a second.”
“Well, believe it, Merchling. I’m fine. I’m more than fine. I’ve had a lovely evening with my lovely boyfriend and I’ve had an earth shattering orgasm.”
Wylan tried to hide his blush by laying his head back on Jesper’s chest. “Alright,” Wylan murmured. “But still…you know you can talk to me, right? Like the way you talk to me when I’m panicking or lost in memories.”
“I know.”
“I want to help you too, Jesper.”
“I know.”
Wylan propped himself up and looked up at Jesper again. “So you can tell me if something’s on your mind or if you’re upset about something or…someone…”
Jesper frowned slightly. He ran his fingers through Wylan’s hair again and said, “I’m not upset with you, Wy. I promise you that.”
The panic in Wylan’s eyes dissipated a little. “Alright,” he kissed Jesper’s collar bone. “Was it something we did? Was there something you didn’t like or—“
“No, no, no,” Jesper pressed his lips to Wylan’s forehead. “You’re gorgeous. You’re amazing. You—this—it’s brilliant.”
Wylan couldn’t help but chuckle under his breath. “Yeah,” he sighed a happy sigh again. “We do have brilliant sex.”
“That we do, Merchling.”
Then Jesper froze. The little bit of unease he’d been feeling before, became a wave of dread. Sex with Wylan was brilliant. They had sex a lot. And they loved each other. A lot. It just occurred to Jesper, in that moment, that they usually had sex in the evening. After Wylan was done practicing piano or flute or singing and after Jesper had helped with with the last of their paperwork. Jesper shuddered. They always had sex just before he’d be tempted to go to the club to make a bet. To spin the Makker’s wheel. To gamble away his newly acquired fortune.
“What is it?” Wylan’s soft question interrupted Jesper’s downward spiral.
“I…” Jesper cupped Wylan’s face with his hands. “You want to have sex with me, right?”
Wylan’s eyes widened. “Of course…?”
“You’re not just letting me fuck you as—“ Jesper cursed under his breath and bit his lip.
“Jesper, darling, what is it?” Wylan put his hands overtop of Jesper’s.
“You want to have sex,” he murmured and waited for Wylan to nod. When he did, Jesper continued. “So it’s not a way to keep me from the clubs? I’m not using you as a distraction?”
Wylan pushed himself off Jesper and sat up. Jesper followed him quickly. They stared at each other. Jesper took Wylan’s hands so they rested, laced together, between their crossed legs.
“I’m not letting you fuck me as a way to keep you from gambling, Jesper.”
Wylan’s words were hushed, but sure.
Jesper sniffled. (He hadn’t noticed a few tears had escaped him. The thought of using Wylan had been too much to bear.)
“Okay,” said Jesper, squeezing his partner’s hands.
“I’d tell you if I didn’t want to have sex with you.” This time Wylan waited for Jesper to nod. “You’re not using me.”
Jesper’s entire body slackened at Wylan’s statement.
“I’m not?” Jesper asked. He needed to know for sure.
“You’re not,” Wylan reached forward and kissed the sharpshooter’s cheek. “But if us having brilliant, amazing, earth shattering sex, distracts you, then all the better.”
“But what if I slip up. What if—one night when there isn’t paperwork or you’re not playing Sonatas—I rebound.”
“Then we’ll work through it. You’re an addict, Jesper, but you’re also a human being. We have flaws and I love you and all of your flaws.”
Jesper didn’t even try to hide the tears that trickled down his cheeks. He’d gotten so unbelievably lucky. Wylan truly was better than any hand, any bet, any spin of the wheel. He was the reason why Jesper wasn’t as tempted to gamble as much. It wasn’t sex with Wylan, it was Wylan.
“It’s you,” Jesper whispered and kissed Wylan’s hand. “I don’t feel the itch as bad, because of you. It’s not the sex, it’s everything about you and this new world we’ve made for ourselves. I’ve got so much more to live for.”
Wylan positively beamed. “So you don’t have to worry about using me, okay? I’m perfectly, perfectly, content having you fuck me silly. Regularly.”
“Regularly, hmm?”
“Yes, regularly.”
“That is…” Jesper flipped them so Wylan was wide-eyed and underneath him. He grinned, a spectacular, vibrant grin filled with mischief and adoration. Jesper planted a whisper of a kiss under Wylan’s earlobe and breathed, “Brilliant. Just like you are, Wy.”
The boy shuddered underneath him and grabbed hold of Jesper’s shoulders.
And Jesper knew the itch would overtake him eventually. That his craving to play cards would resurface again at some point. But he also knew that Wylan understood. He also knew that he had more good days than bad and that when he had a bad day, Wylan would be there with him. Just like Jesper was there for when Wylan had days where he panicked and felt bone-deep exhaustion afterwords. Maybe they were both a little wounded, Jesper thought this as he kissed down Wylan’s neck. Maybe they were both flawed, but they were meant for each other.