Chapter Text
Hanbin said no.
“Please,” Gyuvin whined as he followed Hanbin from the counter of their mother’s café to the back. “You know there’s no one else who could drive us.”
Hanbin pushed several packs of coffee beans into his little brother’s arms before he led them back to the counter. “What about Taerae? He has a license.”
“And he is driving, but his car only seats four. We need a second driver.”
“You really don’t know anyone else that can drive?”
“No.” Gyuvin pushed out his bottom lip, making big, sad puppy eyes at him. “Please, hyung, it has to be you.”
Ripping open the first bag of coffee beans, Hanbin let out a deep sigh.
This entire conversation was just a ruse to trick Hanbin into coming with Gyuvin and their friends on their great, big, summer trip. Once upon a time, it had been Hanbin’s favourite part of the year, spending the summer with his brother and friends at the beach house that belonged to Matthew’s parents, but those times had long passed.
“I’m sorry, Gyuvin. I can’t get off work this long.”
That was a lie. They both knew it too. Hanbin hadn’t missed a single day of work in two years. No sick leave. Definitely no holidays. Just recently, his boss had slapped a cruise ship pamphlet on his desk and begged him to pick something, if only it would get him to move away from his desk.
Hanbin had smiled at his boss and thrown the pamphlet into the garbage bin as soon as his boss had left.
Gyuvin looked at him and Hanbin could see the way it hurt his brother that Hanbin had stooped so low as to come up with cheap excuses. Hanbin focussed on tamping the ground coffee beans before sliding the portafilter into the machine.
Gyuvin stayed standing with his hip leaned against the counter, waiting for Hanbin to change his mind all on his own. Hanbin wouldn’t.
Eventually, Gyuvin seemed to realise this too. It was the only possible explanation as to why he would ever say, “Hao is coming.”
Hanbin’s finger hovered over the button of the coffee machine. He took a deep breath. He pressed it. “No.”
Gyuvin let out a sound like a kicked puppy. It was drowned out by the roar of the coffee machine. Hanbin ignored him as he waited for the coffee to run through.
“He didn’t seem opposed to you coming. He even seemed–”
“Gyuvin.”
It was a gently spoken warning, but an effective one. Hanbin’s tone was perfectly polite, but there was no room for argument. Matthew called it his kindergarten teacher voice.
It made Gyuvin shrink in on himself, just like used to do as a child. The thought almost made Hanbin smile, causing the corner of his mouth to twitch. It wasn’t enough for a full smile. His heart hurt too much.
“I just think it would be good for you to come. Everyone misses you.”
Had Gyuyvin taken one of the latte macchiato spoons and dug it into his chest, Hanbin probably would have had an easier time breathing.
“I just don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.” It was the truth.
Every divorce demanded a splitting of the shared assets. Hanbin had given up the kids to Hao. He’d stayed away from all gatherings and parties, letting Hao be the one who could fall back on the close-knit security of their friend group. Hanbin had blood family here. Hao only had their friends and Hanbin never would have taken that away from him.
“You wouldn’t.”
Hanbin emptied the dregs from the portafilter into the garbage. A part of him wanted to follow right after.
“Just think about it, hyung.” Gyuvin regained his smile. “Who knows? It might be the best summer of your life!”
It was the kind of optimism that Hanbin loved his brother for. The way Gyuvin looked at the world was so confident in a happy ending. Hanbin used to be like that. Hanbin would have been tempted to believe the same even now, but he knew better. He had had his happy ending, and then he had lost it.
“I’ll think about it.”
Gyuvin gasped and rushed forward to hug him, nearly taking them both to the ground with his long, flailing limbs. Gyuvin was like an overgrown puppy in that regard, unaware of how much force was behind his movements now that he was no longer a kid.
Hanbin still held onto him. It was nice that there was someone left in the world that wanted to hug him.
“Thank you, hyung, I love you!”
“I haven’t said yes,” Hanbin mumbled, but Gyuvin was already running out the door, probably to spread the good news.
*
Hanbin lied awake that night, torturing himself by scrolling through his photos from the last summer he had spent at the beach house. There were so many photos, so many memories, all dipped in golden light.
Hanbin felt like he truly hadn’t seen the sun since then. An evergrowing part of him longed to bask in its warmth again.
He sent the text shortly after midnight.
Hanbin [00.02]: Fine. I’m coming to the beach house.
Gyuvin [00.03]: HYUNG
Gyuvin [00.03]: are you serious?
Gyuvin [00.04]: you are serious, right??
Hanbin [00.06]: Yes.
Gyuvin [00.06]: AWESOME! THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU! I’LL TELL EVERYONE RIGHT AWAY!
Gyuvin [00.07]: I CAN’T WAIT TO GO ON THIS TRIP WITH YOU! IT’S GOING TO BE THE BEST SUMMER EVER
Hanbin locked his phone.
In the end, it was simple. He loved his brother more than he hated himself.
That was what he told himself at least.
*
It was how he found himself taking the driver seat of their mother’s delivery van two weeks later. How Gyuvin had convinced her to let them have the van for the summer, Hanbin didn’t know. He didn’t question it either. Their mother was there, seeing them off with teary eyes as they pulled out of the back lot of the café so Hanbin was reassured that she at least knew they were taking the van.
Why she was crying, Hanbin didn’t know, but her tears were accompanied by a big smile so he didn’t worry too much.
Gyuvin seemed to nearly vibrate with excitement as he got comfortable in the passenger seat. Despite the early morning hour, it was already oppressively hot outside and so they rolled down the windows, Gyuvin belting along to the radio as they drove across the city to the apartment that Matthew shared with Gunwook. Jiwoong was waiting with them, looking prim despite the early hour. In contrast to the actual suit Jiwoong was wearing, Matthew looked half-asleep where he was sitting on Gunwook’s suitcase, his head propped against Jiwoong’s arm. Hanbin was pretty sure he was still in his pyjamas, as was Gunwook, judging by the duck-print on his trousers.
Hanbin steered the van into the tight parking space they had managed to clear in front of the building and Gyuvin climbed over the middle console to open the sliding door. There was a chorus of “hello”s and Hanbin couldn’t help but laugh when Gunwook managed to squeeze himself and his broad frame past the front seats far enough that he could pull Hanbin into a bone-crushing hug. Matthew was not to be outdone, adding a disgustingly wet cheek kiss to his hug. Only Jiwoong had the decency to stick to a fist bump and a gentle rub of his fingers through Hanbin’s hair as they greeted each other.
Hanbin felt his heart swell. It made him realise how much he had missed his friends. How long it had been since he had seen them.
Gyuvin got caught on the backseat under Gunwook’s mighty arm so Matthew took the passenger seat, plugging the aux cord into his phone before opening his navigation app. It would take them the entire day to get to the beach house, but Hanbin didn’t dread it. He would have driven all day and all night to get them there.
*
They arrived just as the sun began to set. Hanbin steered the van around the fountain in front of the house and parked in the gravel. A low groan escaped him as he was finally able to take his foot off the gas. After so many hours, his leg had grown stiff.
They threw the doors open and Jiwoong started to unload all of their luggage from the back of the van. Matthew ran ahead to unlock the front door. Gunwook followed him, a suitcase under each arm.
“The others aren’t too far behind us. Ten minutes maybe,” Gyuvin informed them, typing away on his phone.
Hanbin nodded. “Let me stretch for a moment and I’ll help you with the kitchen stuff.”
Gyuvin saluted and grabbed the first of the boxes.
Hanbin raised his arms over his head, stretching his back before he lowered his hands down to the ground, touching the tips of his feet. He was just coming back up when Taerae’s hatchback rolled onto the gravel. Yujin on the passenger seat was wildly honking the horn and Hanbin laughed.
The doors of the hatchback opened and Hanbin felt his heart stutter before it stopped. Gyuvin had told him that Hao would come, but actually seeing him again was nothing that Hanbin could have prepared himself for.
Hao got out of the backseat, his face instinctively turning towards the sun. He was wearing sunglasses so Hanbin couldn’t see his eyes and he mourned that fact, but it also helped him. They were broken up so Hanbin shouldn’t feel like this, but looking at Hao still made his heart race, his insides flutter and his head spin with dreams of more.
The stark realisation trickled in that, unlike what Hanbin had been telling himself, Hao wasn’t something he had gotten over in the past two years. It wasn’t something he ever would get over. Hao was here and Hanbin felt just the same about him as he had back then.
Hao raised his arms over his head, stretching just like Hanbin had done before he turned towards the house, towards Hanbin. Hanbin could pinpoint the exact moment Hao saw him. The smile on his face fell.
Hanbin’s heart dropped.
They stared at each other.
Hao recovered a lot quicker than Hanbin did. He had always had a much better grip on his emotions than Hanbin. The smile returned to his features, but even with the sunglasses hiding his eyes, Hanbin knew that it no longer reached his eyes.
Hanbin decided to absolve them both of their misery. He turned around and walked into the house. The beach house was a large, gorgeous build that managed to be cozy despite its open-plan design. Hanbin knew every nook and cranny of it, having spent most of his summers here. Because of this, it didn’t take him long to find Gyuvin.
Hanbin grabbed his brother by the arm and dragged him out onto the patio behind the house. He could hear the waves from here, but Hanbin had no ear for it at the moment.
“You didn’t tell him I was coming.”
Gyuvin’s eyes grew almost comically large, his mouth dropping open like a fish before he managed to say, “What makes you think that?”
One thing about Gyuvin was that he was a terrible liar. His voice went all squeaky and his expression turned all guilty whenever he did. Hanbin crossed his arms in front of his chest, silently waiting for his brother to confess.
Gyuvin did pretty quickly. “I’m sorry. We just weren’t sure if he would come if we told him you’d be here too.”
Hanbin ignored the way those words stabbed him right in the heart. He knew that Hao hated him, but hearing it confirmed in such a way felt like someone had reached into his chest and ripped his heart right out of his chest.
“We?” He focussed on the part of Gyuvin’s confession he could deal with. “ Who is we?”
“No one,” Gyuvin squeaked.
Hanbin narrowed his eyes. “Have you been scheming, all of you?”
Gyuving shook his head so much his hair flopped into his eyes. “No!”
Hanbin didn’t believe him one bit. “Stop it. I mean it. Whatever it is you’re planning, you put an end to it right now or I am taking mum’s van and you all can take a bus back home.”
Gyuvin’s eyes grew comically wide. “Hyung!”
Hanbin had no interest in hearing any of it. “He is here and I am too. Don’t you think that's enough of a miracle? Don’t push it. Especially don’t push him. He—” Hanbin had no idea how to finish that sentence, how to encompass what he wanted to say about Hao, so he cut himself off.
“You don’t have to tell me that it’s a miracle,” Gyuvin grumbled. His petulant tone made Hanbin want to pull him by the ears, but he willed himself to remain calm.
Ignoring anything else Gyuvin might have wanted to say, he went back into the house. His chest was unnaturally tight and he could feel panic claw its way up his throat, but he wouldn’t give in to that. He forced a smile onto his face.
Yujin was in the kitchen and he looked so happy to see Hanbin that it healed a lot of the hurt Hanbin felt. Yujin nearly ran into the dinner table in his haste to get to him. Hanbin held him tightly, letting Yujin’s clean, milky scent calm him. Even their youngest had grown over the past two years, but he’d always be a bright eyed baby in Hanbin’s eyes. He’d always be everything that was right with the world.
“Hanbin-hyung, I missed you so much!”
Hanbin ruffled his hair. “I missed you too, kid!”
“Don’t forget to keep carrying your things inside, Yujin,” Jiwoong said as he came into the kitchen, setting down a big box labelled ‘kitchen’ on the counter. Hanbin could tell by the carton colour that it came from Taerae’s car.
Yujin shot Hanbin a cheeky smile before he hurried to obey Jiwoong’s order.
Jiwoong sighed as he shook out his shoulder.
“Is it hurting again?” Hanbin asked, worry taking him over as he walked up to his friend and started massaging his shoulder for him.
Jiwoong shook his head, but he leaned into Hanbin’s touch. “It’s fine.”
Hanbin frowned, wishing that Jiwoong had worn something else but his suit. The fabric had no give, not allowing Hanbin to dig in deep.
It had been a year since his actor friend had gotten hurt during a shoot. During a stunt scene, one of the security wires had snapped and sent Jiwoong spiralling five metres to the ground. He’d landed on his shoulder, breaking his clavicle. It had healed since then, but the pain always came back.
“I already told him I’ll have a look at it.”
Hanbin froze, his fingers digging so hard into Jiwoong’s shoulder it made Jiwoong wince. Hanbin hastily let go. He felt like a rabbit caught in the headlights, not knowing what to do, not knowing where to go.
There was no escaping Hao.
His ex-boyfriend looked like the embodiment of summer in bright pink swimming trunks, a loose shirt and with his sunglasses pushed into his hair. He was a little bit taller, a little bit broader than Hanbin remembered him. The shape of his face had changed the slightest bit, as if he had finally grown into his own body.
He looked good. He looked better than ever.
Hanbin swallowed.
Hao was looking straight at him, his chin slightly tilted upwards as if he was challenging Hanbin to argue with him. Hanbin hated that the most. That Hao thought Hanbin wanted to argue with him, had ever wanted to argue with him.
He took a step to the side, dropping his head. “That’s probably for the best.” He smiled at Jiwoong. “I’ll get back to unpacking.”
Jiwoong nodded, having watched the exchange between them with open concern.
Hanbin gave Hao a wide berth as he headed for the door. He knew that if he came too close, he would reach out for Hao and he couldn’t have that.
This was how they met for the first time in two years. No greetings, no kisses, no arguments. Hanbin would get over it at some point. Maybe.
“Hanbin.”
It was embarrassing how fast Hanbin spun around.
Without the sunglasses covering his eyes, Hanbin could see it when Hao looked him up and down. He couldn’t tell whether Hao liked what he saw, whether he felt happiness or disdain. Hanbin didn’t know what Hao thought, not anymore.
Hao balled his hands into fists before he let go. “It’s good to see you.”
His tone was civil. Hanbin could be civil. He’d burned and screamed and cried inside his head for two years while keeping a calm facade. This was no different. Only now he was staring at the real Hao instead of photos of him.
He forced a smile onto his face. “It’s good to see you too, Hao.”
He left the kitchen as fast as his legs would carry him.
*
The sun had long gone down by the time they finished unpacking. As tradition demanded, they ordered pizza and gathered around the coffee table in front of the TV. Someone put an early 2000s rom-com on the TV, but no one was watching. There was too much to talk about.
Hanbin loved his friends and he loved the feeling of having all of them gathered around him. He’d met up with all of them at one point or another, but never all of them at once. During the past months, he hadn’t found time for anyone but his brother.
Something inside his chest shifted and settled back into place as he nibbled on his pizza, listening in on the conversations going on around him.
Hao sat across from him. Hanbin didn’t allow himself to glance at him more than once every minute.
As much as Hao was clearly making an effort to avoid his gaze, the man beside him seemed eager to talk to Hanbin. His name was Ricky and judging by the way he interacted with everyone else in the group, he had been around for a while.
Only Hanbin had never met him before.
Ricky seemed intent on changing that, leaning over the table to start a conversation with him several times. Despite his sharp appearance and deep voice, his words were sweet and Hanbin felt his heart soften.
That was, until he saw the way Hao kept putting food on Ricky’s plate, kept leaning into him when all of them got drowsy from so much good food and even better company.
Hanbin placed a hand on his stomach, willing the fiery pit that opened at the bottom of his stomach to close. He had no right to be jealous. He didn’t even know who Ricky was to Hao. The way Hao smiled at him was no different than the way Hao smiled at the rest of their friends.
That was what Hanbin told himself at least.
It was a little easier to stop looking when Gyuvin flopped down on top of him, whining about his stomach hurting.
“You shouldn’t have eaten so fast,” Hanbin scolded gently as he rubbed his brother’s back. He glanced at the clock hanging above the TV. “It’s late enough, let’s get you to bed.”
“Oh, I’m not rooming with you.”
Hanbin furrowed his brows. “You are not?”
Gyuvin shook his head, sitting up so he could point his thumb at the blond man sitting opposite of them. “I’m rooming with Ricky.”
“You don’t want to room with me?” Hanbin tried not to sound hurt. It was fine if Gyuvin didn’t want to room with him. Hanbin shouldn’t have assumed.
“You drove, hyung, you get a room to yourself!” Yujin piped up.
“That’s right!” Matthew said. “We already put all of your stuff in the corner room on the second floor.”
Hanbin blinked. “Oh.”
“Driver’s privileges.” Taerae grinned, clearly quite happy that he didn’t have to share either.
Hanbin smiled before he furrowed his brows, glaring down at Gyuvin. “Still, you should go to bed.”
Gyuvin extracted himself from his arms with a groan, but followed his order. Hanbin was surprised when Ricky got up at the same time. Slowly but surely, the rest of them began to follow.
He helped Matthew and Jiwoong clean off the table before he trudged up the stairs to his single room. It still had a double bed and that made Hanbin feel kind of giddy. He couldn’t remember a summer that he didn’t have to share a room.
He didn’t allow himself to remember the times when it had been him and Hao. Thinking of Hao right now was too pathetic of a move, even for him.
He walked into the en-suite bathroom. The shower he took helped relax his muscles, especially in his legs and because there was no one there to hurry him along, he enjoyed the spray of the water for as long as he wanted. By the time he made it out of the bathroom, his movements had grown sluggish and he groaned at the prospect of having to dig through his suitcase to find his pyjamas.
A knock on the door made him change course.
He was not prepared for seeing Hao standing on the other side of the door.
It took Hanbin a second, but then he became acutely aware of the fact that Hao was standing in front of him and he was only wearing a towel. His grip on the terrycloth tightened.
“Hao.”
Hao was staring right into his eyes. “Hi.”
Hanbin’s fingers twitched with the urge to throw the door close in Hao’s face, but he withstood it.
“What, uh, what are you doing here? I mean,” he corrected himself, “how can I help you?” Civil. They were civil with each other.
Hao continued to stare at his face even though Hanbin could see that he was getting progressively redder by the second. It made him want to reach out and touch Hao’s cheek.
“Yujin threw up on our bed,” Hao blurted out.
“What?” Hanbin took a step forward. “Is he okay?”
Hao nodded. “He’s fine. He just ate too much ice cream for dinner and it came back up when he insisted on jumping on our bed and he even tried to help me clean it up but now our room reeks and–”
Hanbin raised his hand. Hao took a deep breath.
“He’s with Jiwoong and Matt now. Gunwook moved in with Taerae. That leaves you and I. I mean your room and you and I, if-if you’re even willing to let me come in.” Hao jerked his head downwards to stare at the suitcase by his side. Hanbin feared that its handle was close to breaking off with how tightly Hao was clutching it. “I don’t know, I’m sorry.” He took a step backwards. “I shouldn’t have come here.”
“It’s fine, Hao.” Hanbin knew that he was going to regret his next words. He knew. It didn’t keep him from saying, “We can share my room.”
Hao bit the inside of his cheek, not daring to look at him. “Are you sure?”
Hanbin wasn’t, but that didn’t matter. His pathetic, unchanged feelings didn’t matter. Hao needed a place to sleep and Hanbin had half of a double bed spare.
“I’m sure. We used to share before too, right?” Hanbin didn’t mean before the break-up. He meant before they had ever gotten together. He tried to recall to those untainted memoried. “It’ll be fun.” He opened the door wider. “Come in.”
Hao looked like he wanted to run in the opposite direction. He looked like he wanted to sleep on one of the couches in the living room for the next six weeks. Hanbin turned away to allow him to do choose whichever option he preferred. He focussed on not stumbling over his own feet as he finally walked over to his suitcase.
It was dire time that he put on some clothes.
When he came out of the bathroom, now dressed in sleep shorts and a sleeveless shirt, he found Hao sitting on the edge of the mattress. He jumped up when Hanbin came out.
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t sure which side you want.”
“Right side, as always.”
The ghost of a smile graced Hao’s lips before he seemed to remember himself. Picking up his toiletry bag and a neat little bundle of sleep clothes, he hurried past Hanbin into the bathroom.
Hanbin got into bed, pulling the blanket up to his shoulders even though it was way too warm to sleep with a blanket at all. He needed the comfort.
He pretended to sleep when Hao came out of the bathroom. He pretended to sleep when the mattress dipped with the weight of him. He pretended to sleep when Hao wished him a quiet goodnight.
He pretended to sleep even when he couldn’t. He was too aware of Hao’s presence on the other side of the bed. Every movement of Hao’s made Hanbin’s heart rate spike. Every irregularity in his breathing pattern made Hanbin want to sit up and count his breaths out loud.
As the sun rose again and he hadn’t slept a wink, all Hanbin could think about was that it was going to be a long, long summer.