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"Where's he?"
Her body jolted, a little surprised to find an unexpected figure standing in the hallway leading to the restroom while leaning on the wall and crossing his arms over his chest. Without even properly addressing who he meant by 'he', she could understand his question right away about the absence of a certain someone in this drinking party held by their department.
"Who knows, maybe in the other table talking with some girls I don't know, as usual?" It was a joke which wasn't exactly a joke. Since while she didn't know whether her answer was right, it was usually true most of the times. After seeing how the expression of the person in front of her twisted in annoyance, she let out a small laugh. "Ahaha, just kidding! He didn't come today... he didn't tell me the reason, so I don't know. Sorry, Akito."
"...Why are you apologizing? I don't really care about that."
She could hear Akito sighed as if he was disgusted by her obvious fake laugh. Of course, after all this wasn't the first time. In fact, it had become an open secret that almost everyone in the department had known about it—what that jerk of a boyfriend did when he wasn't with her. What an unfortunate thing to end up dating a guy with such a loose concept of chastity on her first year of college, and the relationship had been going for almost two years now.
It was a relationship that started out of curiosity. He was someone from the same department she met after being introduced by a college friend. At first, he was sweet and treated her well, so when he asked her out she didn't mind. Somehow, she ended up liking him quite a bit too. Yet, after 1 year of dating, she started hearing unpleasant rumors that were too many to just be discarded as only rumor. Communication became scarce, and she wondered whether she really dated the same person. Is this what people call as being deceived? Shiraishi An could only show a bitter smile at the thought of falling to lies like a fool. After all, how stupid to let herself fall like that.
"How's your relationship with him lately?"
Akito asked again. Our relationship, An repeated the word inside her head. Obviously, it was already broken and she had no intention to put so much trouble such as trying to repair it, but she didn't know what to say to Akito now. Everyone around her was already telling her to break up with her boyfriend as soon as possible, but she hadn't caught him in the act of cheating so it'd take effort to bring the matter of breakup. Whenever she tried to bring the topic into discussion, he always ignored it too then acted like there was nothing wrong. Eventually, she just sat on the sidelines, getting her heart tired to the point she couldn't even smile properly as she realized her affection for him was already draining out until there's almost nothing left. Even the will to slap him, there was no energy left in her to do that.
Even though it wasn't a relationship that she wanted to continue by making everyone around her worrying about her, it might be because it wasn't exactly a meaningless short-term relationship which she could just easily cut off once and for all. She knew she frustrated everyone because of it, this guy in front of her was especially one who looked the most disgusted whenever she talked about her relationship like this.
"...There's not much difference. Well, I came to this drinking party without saying a word to him either, so at least we're even." His frown grew deeper at her answer, but she brushed it off. "Anyway, we're already away for too long. The others must be searching for us. Let's return, Aki—"
When An was about to walk away from the place, his hand that suddenly grabbed her hand stopped her.
Before she could even complain, she felt her heart pulsed with a thump as Akito was looking at her with a face more serious than ever. A pair of peridots staring straight at her ambers as if saying not to look away, and the hand that grabbed on hers tightly showed no intention of letting go. Ah, it's bad, somehow she had an intuitive feeling that this kind of atmosphere might be dangerous.
"That kind of relationship, are you really okay with it?" she couldn't answer anything when he suddenly shot the question at her. "You're just pushing yourself, aren't you? Wearing the 'nothing is wrong' face... after all no matter how long, it's still your habit."
"...Akito...?"
"...I didn't give up on you to let you make that kind of face."
At the unexpected words that confronted her, her eyes widened and she inhaled sharply.
Truthfully, she knew. She had always been aware of his eyes which were different from others at the way he looked at her. Yet, since he never said anything, she pretended not to notice. All this time, she never expected he'd say that to her in this kind of situation.
"...Don't say something stupid."
"I just can't silently watch it anymore."
"Akito, stop it."
"I was trying to be patient. I thought I could let you go since it was my fault for taking my time too long. If you're happy then I'm fine with everything as well... but, you're not happy, are you?"
"Akito!"
"...You've always been aware about it as well, right? How I have feelings for you."
"That's..."
"It's alright, that much is enough for me. At the very least, I know you were looking at me so you could find out what kind of eyes I have on you."
Before she could even say anything in response, he held her hands and brought them to his lips.
"Hey, instead of him... do it with me, An."
The voice of her teammate, which should be too familiar in her ears after singing together for years, suddenly sounded nothing like what she remembered. A tone of voice that she couldn't recognize sent shivers down her spine, and the hand that pulled her closer felt hot where they touched. As if she was being stripped off of her thoughts to the point of unable to think about anything else, she let his hand held her face; stroking her cheek gently with the belly of his thumb. Slowly, the distance between each other's face was decreasing and she found herself closing her eyes as she could feel his breath on her skin.
"You can blame it all on me, so don't think about anything."
Like a devil's whisper, the movement of his lips as he said so tickled her lips. In the end, there's no words of refusal at all that came out of her mouth since it was already blocked by his mouth.
Just use me.
With his saliva flowing down her throat, she was already drowning.
What happened after that felt like a blur to her, but somehow, they managed to return to the party. When she was about to wonder whether the thing from before was just her getting too drunk that she hallucinated, suddenly Akito held her hand under the table while casually talking with an acquaintance. As if he was telling her not to forget. Despite the feeling of guilt, she found herself squeezing his hand back.
There was no way to turn back now.
After the party ended, how Akito was the one to walk her home didn't raise suspicion in anyone because they were already known to be close teammates that got along well. Even when she entered his apartment room late at night like this, it didn't feel strange to her because she used to have a sleepover in his place before she started dating. When he pushed her down on the bed though, that was when she could feel her heart thumping so loudly that it rang on her eardrums.
The expression on his face when she looked up at him was different from any other time. In the olive-green eyes that she saw before he ducked down to drop kisses on her skin, there was an overflowing amount of longing and affection, and also a little bit of guilt. She wasn't sure whether the guilt was directed towards her boyfriend whom she cheated on right now, or towards this broken-hearted woman whom he took advantage of and tempted to have this kind of affair. She didn't know, for he really didn't give her any time to try thinking about it, or even about her own guilt.
In between the devouring kisses, in between being at the mercy of his tongue sliding all over her body, there was no time to spare.
Suddenly, he bit down hard that her body shook.
"Ah—! H-hey, Akito... that hurts..."
"...Sorry."
His voice hinted that he genuinely felt bad and he immediately licked it to soothe the pain. In the back of her mind, she realized with an Oh, that Akito probably found the leftover mark from the last time she did it with her boyfriend and sank his teeth on it as if overwriting it.
This kind of guy, who usually wouldn't do something so cunning, was it her who drove him into this desperate state?
"Akito."
"Hm?"
"You've always hated half-hearted things... how are you okay with this relationship where my feelings are half-hearted? Isn't it weird?"
When she asked him the question, his body froze for a moment. He widened his eyes at her before they softened again and he smiled with his brows lowered.
"...That's right, I wonder about that as well," he said with a small chuckle. "...Weird, huh. Then maybe it can't be helped that my head turns weird when it comes to you. I don't care whether I'm being unfair to come at you when you're in your vulnerable state like this."
That's why the fault is all on me, he repeated the words again as if drilling it into her head. That's why you don't have to share the guilt since I'm the one taking advantage of you.
He then dropped a kiss on her lips, not giving her a chance to say anything else.
"...Since I'm already this crazy about you, nothing else matters... so just come to me as you like."
Just before she sank completely to the pleasure he gave her, she thought she heard him saying something in the distance.
Just like that, time passed by ever since she started having an affair with Akito. They didn't tell anyone. Not even Touya nor Kohane. How could they? When it was a relationship that felt like dancing in the mud.
Holding hands under the table, a brief touch of pinky fingers when she happened to meet him in the hallway while walking with her boyfriend, sharing a kiss in an empty classroom.
There was also a time when she accepted his call while her neck was being kissed by Akito. Although from the noises in the background, it seemed he was also in a club somewhere, there was a girl's voice too so maybe they were the same. Not like she could think about it much with his lips tickling the place around her collarbone.
What a nasty woman, surely there was a part of her heart that was disgusted by what she did, yet Akito always managed to make her to look at him instead of thinking about that kind of thing. The guilt in the corner of her heart, could always be pushed aside by his sweet voice saying to leave everything to him.
Human beings were simple, ever since he confessed his feelings to her, he was all she could think of. And ever since she decided to cheat on her boyfriend with Akito, she started comparing between the two. While her boyfriend could be a little forceful, Akito was gentle as if he was touching something precious. Akito knew exactly what she liked and didn't like, what she needed and didn't need. When she realized how he had been watching her this closely to be able to understand everything before she put it into words, she felt a sudden heat all over her body as it finally dawned on her how much this man loved her.
How sad that she only started looking at him properly after starting this illicit relationship.
If Akito were to confess his feelings a little sooner, would things be different? If there was something that she could put the blame on Akito, then maybe it was this. Even if she realized she developed feelings for him, after putting him in such an unfair position, was it really alright for her to fall for him?
Despite trying to be secretive about it, it seemed some people had begun to catch on. After all, whenever she wasn't with his boyfriend, which was a lot of times, she'd be having Shinonome Akito by her side. Although she already put more distance with him ever since she started dating, they were back with their usual close distance now to the point her friends were asking whether she finally broke up with her asshole boyfriend.
In her mind, she thought it was only a matter of time before her boyfriend found out. She was sure he also already found a mark he didn't remember making on her cleavage too.
Knowing his personality, he might lash out at her while calling her with nasty names, maybe also a slap on the face. Even so, if she could bear with it for a little, returning at least one slap or a hard kick, until the word 'breakup' finally came out of his mouth, then she could finally cut everything off.
Even though she had prepared herself for it, in the end he didn't come to her at all. Instead, she only heard news that a fight broke out in the cafeteria between two people she knew and a message saying 'let's break up, I don't want to date such a loose woman' was sent to her phone with her replies unable to be sent no matter how long.
"He finally asked me to break up."
"...I see."
A short reply. She didn't expect for him to accept the information she gave him so easily, after all he must think that she still held feelings for her currently ex-boyfriend. It was a little of disappointment, since she was thinking of bringing up the topic of her current feelings for him if he were to ask about her feelings. What a selfish person to think she had the right to talk about feelings with him after what she put him through.
Yet, he didn't. He didn't ask her about anything at all.
"Aren't you going to ask how I feel about the breakup...?"
"I'm the guy who tempted you into cheating on him, I'm waiting for you guys to break up more than anyone. If I asked how you feel and your answer is that you regret it, I'm going to dig my own grave."
"Ugh... you don't have to put it so bluntly like that..."
Even though he said so, he also didn't rejoice the moment she shared the news with him. Was it because her breaking up with her ex-boyfriend didn't necessarily mean she should start an official relationship with him? As she was wondering about it, she thought about his unusually cold behavior today and realized that he hadn't looked at her properly at all ever since she entered his apartment room today.
"Hey, Akito."
"What is it?"
He didn't move the angle of his head at all, she didn't know what he fixed his gaze at. The side profile that she was currently staring at was his usual nice face, but for some reason there was an unsettling feeling that she couldn't just let it go like that. Why aren't you staring into my eyes at all? He usually would always stare into her eyes as if enjoying how his reflection was the only thing on her eyes when she was with him.
The left side of his face, are you trying to hide it?
"Akito."
"What?"
"Hey..."
"As I said, what is it?"
"Look at me."
"...I'm already looking."
"Not like that, face me properly. Come on."
"O-oi, don't pull on my head like that... hey—!"
Near the left eye, the left side of his lips, and on the left cheek. There were bruises and cut as if someone beat him up, and she remembered again the news about a fight she heard yesterday. When she gently touched the cut on the corner of his mouth, Akito twitched a little.
"Why are you trying to hide this from me?"
"I let his punch hit me. It's uncool... so, I don't want to show it to you."
"Who started the fight?"
"...Depends on how you look at it."
Apparently, Akito heard him badmouthing her with his friends when he was going to eat in the college cafeteria. The words and accusations that asshole threw about her were so disgusting to the point his fist moved before his brain could think. In the end, a fist fight broke out. Akito punched him more, but he still got some hit on his face.
Akito looked down as if feeling ashamed, somehow her eyes felt hot like she was going to cry. If it wasn't for her, he wouldn't have to get hurt like this. Even though she was already using him to seek for comfort, how could she also drag him into being the one to accept punches?
"It's already crazy to call you a woman who would hook up with anyone when he's the one who likes to play around, but on top of it, he also said the only benefit of dating you is your body and that's why he doesn't want to break up with you while laughing arrogantly. Do you really think I can stop my fist after hearing something as disgusting as that?"
"Akito..."
"You can just put the blame on me... I don't mind to be the one seen in negative light. But, when you're the one to be talked like that... I can't control my anger at all. Those people, what do they even know about you?"
An stroked his face and slowly lowered him down to lean on her chest. As the sound of her heartbeat calmed him down, he took a deep breath. Thin fingers combed through his hair in silence.
"...I thought I can't forgive myself for giving up on you for that kind of person... so, I forced him to break up with you," he said, a little hint of guilt in his voice. "Sorry for not asking about your feelings... it's fine even if you still won't choose me in the end. Just that man... I can't let you keep going out with that kind of person."
This foolish man, she sighed as her fingers kept stroking his hair. Even after all that, he still didn't dare at all to assume that she might've had feelings for him. Sorry for making you have to feel like that, her heart ached so much thinking how sad that he had no confidence at all in winning her over.
"Akito, don't you want to officially go out with me?"
"I do want to... I, you see... even though I could never be your ideal type, I'm confident that I love you more than anyone else."
"...Then why aren't you asking me out now?"
"Because I thought I shouldn't take advantage of you more than this."
I want to offer you comfort even through such a dirty trick, but should I really act so shameful to ask for more? The arms on her waist tightened.
If she were to tell him to stop their current relationship to search for a better love because she no longer needed to use him for comfort, then he'd stop it right away. Did he never once think that he could be the one in the position? Her heart was once again aching painfully. All these years, she never imagined how much pain she already gave him.
She didn't want to give him pain any more than this, so she should be the one to make a move this time.
"I see... I guess I should be the one to ask you out then," she said, and Akito immediately raised his body. "I'm sorry if it's late... but please go out with me, Akito."
Akito looked surprised for a moment, then suddenly a few drops of tears rolled down his cheeks that he desperately tried to wipe. When she teased him 'don't cry' he spat at her 'shut up' while holding his face in his palm to hide it.
"...Are you really sure to make such an abrupt decision, An? You don't have to force yourself to choose me."
"It's not an abrupt decision... it was my fault who never tried to look at Akito properly all this time even though you've been sending me the message of 'look at me' for a long time, but I think I have seen enough now."
His eyes that gazed at her were always soft. The hands that touched her were always gentle. The voice that called her name was always affectionate. When he already showed how much love he had for her, there was no way she could stop herself from melting into this kind of love.
"I've fallen for Akito... I like Akito a lot, I want to go out with you."
"...Mhm, I get it already, so stop it. My heart can't take it."
"How about you? Does Akito still have feelings for me?"
"......I love you so much I could die."
"Hey, what's with that answer...? That's unfair to try to win by yourself."
What are you talking about? Shinonome Akito, who laughed while playfully pulling on her cheeks as she curled her lips, looked terribly happy. A face that got her heart flutter, before she was pulled into a kiss.