Work Text:
Jack hates wizards, and magic. Sure, people wielding sticks that think they're superior to people that don't, who think they're also scary, are funny. However, people that think they're superior to people that don't wave sticks around, think they're scary, and have glass egos the size of Mount Everest, are annoying to deal with. Sure it's kind of cool at the beginning, like, a whole community of magic! Then it turns out you have to go to their magic school, and you have to learn magic despite never having been exposed to it before. Also you have to stay at the school for a whole school year, hope you're fine not seeing your parents for months! Worst part is, technology doesn't work. So no phone or computer, can't face-time your parents or whatever, sorry!
Don't even get him started on the weird reputations around houses in Hogwarts, (who names their school Hogwarts??) house pride, and the terrible safety. Safety inspectors from OSHA would've had an aneurysm inspecting Hogwarts. He can't believe his whole life was uprooted for this. They don't even know what electricity is.
Jack got shaken out of his thoughts when he was called up to get sorted into a house or whatever. He didn't know what to expect when the dirty ass hat was placed on his head, mind and memory reading without his consent was not something he would've expected.
Get the FUCK out of my head.
Hmm. Hard working... plenty brave,
Stop reading my thoughts!
loyal, yes. Dedicated, I see.
Stop reading my memories! I didn't fucking consent to this!
Oh, a fan of fair play. I believe... HUFFLEPUFF!
The Hufflepuff table erupts into cheer. Jack makes his way to the table, sour, and waiting for food. He waits for a long time. Finally food appears, and he digs in. At least the food is somewhat good.