Chapter Text
From his spot on the carpet Josh’s eyes couldn’t let go of Sam’s sleeping form. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep on the couch and he really ought to wake her up, but in the gentle light from the fireplace, she was a rare thing of beauty.
She had come back for him.
Even after he mindlessly tried to bite her – eat her, actually – she had… stayed. With his mind elsewhere he scratched his cheek until his nails caught on loose flakes of skin. He let go with a noise of discomfort and his eyes jumped to Sam, searching for signs of it disturbing her. It didn’t seem to be the case. He even noticed a light snoring, which he found quite amusing and awfully adorable. He then looked down at his hands and at the blood that was now stuck under what was left of his former claws, cut down as far as possible without taking parts of his fingers with them.
The smell of iron tickled his nostrils but the rush of bloodlust weren’t as overpowering when the blood was his own. Again, he turned to look at Sam and frowned when he thought about how he could have killed her that day. His jaw went tight. She had had a minor injury with a kitchen knife and he had reacted instantly, inevitably. The smell of her blood had been too much for him and he was suddenly no more than a beast and she was the prey.
The thought made him sick.
He dared moving a little closer to the couch were she lay – quietly, to avoid disturbing her – and then leaned against the shabby sitting cushions. He was shortly tempted to rest his good cheek against her bended knee, which was only inches from him. He decided against it.
His good cheek…
He placed a hesitating hand on the barred teeth and investigated the feeling of the deformed flesh on his left cheek. It was still quite tender and he fought a battle not to pick at it or else Sam would scold him for it. He smiled to himself at how she had been mothering him lately. Not in a protective way, more like… making him do laundry and thing like that. It felt good to just focus on more or less domestic things. He even caught her commenting on the barely touched vegetables on his plate at dinner-time. He sort of appreciated it, however-
-she didn’t know about how it all seemed to turn to ash in his mouth. How it couldn’t ever compare-
He caught himself and decided that he didn’t need to continue down that lane right now. If ever, honestly. Not that he had a say in that.
Sam stirred a little and Josh froze. It was only a short intake of breath before she let it go with a sigh of contentment. He envied that. A lot.
She had looked after him and to be honest, he had sort of forgotten what that felt like. Her presence even seemed to dim his delusions, medicine or not. He still heard Beth and Hannah in his head – sometimes they even drowned out the hungry wendigo that seemed insatiable – but on that account he had been more or less incident-free. It was a relief since his condition was scary enough as it was. A wendigo…
His fingertips blindly searched the curves and edges of his new face, which he regrettably was getting more and more used to. His heart sank when he thought of how he might look to Sam. He wasn’t Josh anymore – at least not completely. He had been tainted with something that couldn’t be washed away or forgotten. He wasn’t fully human anymore and the human part that was left was so damaged that it had actually tried to take revenge over his own friends. He pulled his knees closer to him.
When Josh swallowed thickly remembering all that work he put into the details of what was going to be the prank of a life-time. At no point had he truly reflected on the consequences of what he excused as a joke. A cruel joke, but a joke nonetheless. He just wanted to show them all how his sisters might have suffered – how scared they must have been. And then he had learned the true extent to Hannah’s suffering…
His stomach turned at the mere thought.
He had been so devastatingly lost in his own misery and he had willingly given up most of his sanity just to be able to forget. Alone in the dark tunnels he had wanted to escape the torment of his own mind and as a beast he had been able to do just that.
That was until Sam showed up.
Josh found himself reaching for one of her hands curled up in front of her face. The fire behind him lit up her features and gave her skin a glow that Josh would probably have compared to an angel or something, if he had been religious at all. Or a romantic cheese ball…
The skin under his fingers was warm and soft and he was relieved to see that she didn’t seem to notice his touch at all. By their own accord his fingers started stroking her hand while he watched her breathe. In. Out. Her calm extending to himself.
And then he felt the longing to touch his lips to hers.
He hadn’t even noticed how his face had slowly moved closer to her and his eyes were very much entranced by her full lips, slightly parted in sleep. His heart started speeding up when he imagined how soft they might actually be and how easily he could just lean in…
Then he caught himself, shook off the spell and slowly pulled back. Then, when he looked up, his gaze locked with a very much awake, green stare. He practically threw himself backwards as if pushed away by an outer force.
“Oh shit. Sam, I’m so sorry – I didn’t mean to startle you like that. I was… I was just-“
“Watching me sleep?” He slapped a hand over his now very hot face in hopes of covering up his horror.
“Aw man, I know what that must have looked like. Seriously, I wasn’t thinking about eating you-“
“It looked like you wanted to kiss me.”
Even though her light voice was still hoarse with sleep, she seemed very much awake and alert. Josh’s hand fell from his face and he gulped rather loudly. Then he turned his face from her so that only his good side was really visible but he could still keep her gaze. It also helped on his thundering nerves to not have direct eye-contact… However, her green gaze was relentless so he nervously scratched his neck and nodded.
“I… sorta was,” he then admitted. Then he considered how he might be able to salvage the situation and flashed her what he hoped was a cocky grin. Then he shrugged.
“You looked like someone who wouldn’t mind a little goodnight peck on the cheek and who was I to send you away to dreamland without my best wishes-?”
“Please, cut the bull, Josh.” She rubbed her face in annoyance and Josh now knew what it was like to be caught with his hands in the cookie jar. Again, he swallowed what felt like a rock.
“Crap. L-look, Sam, I wasn’t going to kiss you without you being able to have a say, okay? I don’t want to creep you out more than I already do.” He gestured to his face even though that specific side wasn’t fully visible to her.
When he considered throwing her another bad joke for banter – because her silence was killing him – he was pulled from his own thoughts.
In mere seconds Sam had joined him on the carpet between the couch and the fireplace, which now offered absolutely no shadows for him to cover up the mess that was his face. For a moment she just sat there, studying him and he was so taken aback that he didn’t even flinch when she reached for his left cheek. Again, he was surprised at how soft her fingers were and it tugged at a certain heart-string that hadn’t made itself noticeable for a very long time. She traced the lines he just had and he couldn’t stop starring creepily at her, dammit.
“You’ve been picking at it,” she commented and Josh smiled in embarrassment. “Yeah, well, it’s hard not to. I just can’t seem to keep my hands off this handsome face.” It was meant as light conversation but his voice was more strained than he would have liked to admit. However, Sam smiled and shook her head at him and that was all he ever aimed for.
Then, when her eyes returned to his, something in the air seemed to shift.
Her hand slowly slid down from his cheek to rest at the base of his neck. He couldn’t help but notice how she didn’t give a single sign of uneasiness when she looked at him now. His throat tightened in gratitude when he thought of how she wasn’t wary around him anymore.
She just feels sorry for you…
You’re a pathetic person and it’s in her nature to care for things like you…
You don’t deserve her…
He closed his eyes tightly and tried to remember the last time he took his meds.
“Hey,” Sam’s voice grounded him again and he opened his eyes to meet her patient gaze, “talk to me, Josh.”
He really didn’t want to but… he kind of did. He… just didn’t know how. So he shook his head and tried to smile again, to hide from her. But she would have none of it. Now, with hands on either side of his face, she kept him still and her insight went right through him.
“You hearing voices again?” It was a bold question but perhaps bold was what he needed right now. He nodded and Sam did the same in understanding.
“What are they saying? Is it Hannah and Beth?” He suddenly felt like being swallowed up by the floor under them.
He nodded again and explained, “They’re just as clueless as I am as to why you’re actually here.” Sam’s brows furrowed deeply and he felt like stroking away the expression back into her usually smooth face.
“They tell me that I don’t deserve your attention-“
“Josh-“
“-or your forgiveness.”
Without thinking about it his palms had reached for hers. He tenderly traced circles on them and tried to escape her searching eyes.
“Well, say hi from me and tell them that it’s utter bullshit.” Funny enough, even though Sam swore like any other teenager foul words on her tongue always seemed so out of place.
Her tongue…
Again, Josh’s eyes fell to her lips and then he confessed, “Well, if they really listened to me, they would have been gone a long time ago.”
Sam swallowed visibly and then she wet her lips before shortly biting down on her bottom lip in thought. Josh almost mimicked her just to get a sense of what it would be like to have Sam’s lips teasingly between his own teeth.
You would bite off a big chunk…
You’re only going to hurt her…
She will run from you and never come back…
He sighed and felt the frustration in him build up. Had he been alone he would have yelled loudly for them to shut up – tell them, that he never wanted to hurt Sam but in this very moment he couldn’t react, he couldn’t let her see how much it was affecting him. He would not freak out on her…!
“It’s all right,” she whispered and her soothing voice somewhat seemed to quiet his mind, and Josh only smiled because that was all he had. It made it easier to pretend that nothing was wrong. Smiles and humor had been his armor for so long and even though it had cost him most of his friendships, he still fell into the habit of hiding behind the raised corners of his mouth. Or at least the side that actually could smile.
His smile was broken-
“Josh.” His mind had wandered but then returned to find Sam who seemed apprehensive. She sighed.
“I can’t forget everything that’s happened. I probably never will, but I… I forgive you.”
For the first time since he could remember his mind went completely silent. It only broke when he took a shaky breath and took her hands in his and kissed her knuckles, soothing over them with slightly trembling fingertips.
“Thank you,” he whispered. He had forgotten what it was like to feel this warm.
Then came something all the more unexpected. Sam enveloped his hands in hers instead and leaned in only to softly press her lips to his own. In the shortest of seconds before reality hit him he could almost make himself believe that he was back to normal – before anything had happened. Before anything was taken from him and he took anything from anyone. His heart skipped at beat and then he was set aflame.
When Sam pulled away his face almost followed hers. She cracked a smile and he let out a disbelieving chuckle. Then she pulled a blond lock behind her ear and looking honest to God shy she said, “So… No cheesy comment or anything? Nothing remotely perverted?” Even if he had already sorted out at least three jokes that could take this whole situation to comedy central, he wouldn’t.
“Can I… Can I make you close your eyes? Please?” It was a long shot on her trust but he felt a warm sensation overwhelm him when she simply did as he asked. Then he leaned in and hesitantly locked his lips with hers again. He was very careful not to press his sharp teeth against her and when the sensitive skin of their lips relaxed against each other, she let out the tiniest noise of contentment that seriously did things to him…
When her hand came up to tug him closer by the neck, he knew he was lost, to hopefully never be found again. She kissed him rather tentatively and she was very cautious as to not poke at his left cheek – he could totally understand why she wouldn’t. It wasn’t until she parted her mouth to let him in when he felt his body respond in other ways than gentleness. Without further consideration he pulled her to him and accepted her invitation. She let out a small whimper and he swore that he felt a low growl at the back of his throat. She tasted of sleep but more than that, she tasted safe and very close to what Josh could only describe as home.
He felt Sam move even closer to him and before he knew it, she was straddling him. There was no time or mind for any kind of reevaluation because her simple being kept overrunning all his senses and never had it felt so good to drown. He kept diving in without a second thought and if she kept making those goddamn noises then he wouldn’t be able to keep his shit together…
He wasn’t careful when he should have been.
“Ouch!”
The smell of her blood was immediately everywhere. She had cut her tongue on one of his sharp edges and the realization seemed to dawn on her.
“Josh…?” He fought to breathe. His eyes wanted to glaze over with what he knew to be an animals single mindedness.
Hungry…
He felt it overpowering him. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck…!
“S-Sam… I… I…” She was very aware of his strong reaction and it was also clear to him that she wanted to pull away – to flee. However, his hands gripped her wrists firmly and she had no way of escaping it when his body fought with all the indecision.
Kill…!
What wasn’t really ages ago she would have pulled a deodorant can and a lighter at him and there had been no decision for Josh to make. Not that he truly had a choice. He could smell how terrified she was and the part of him that kept the beast in check was screaming for her trust in him not to wilt. Not now… Not when he had just seen what a future without loneliness might be like.
He could smell her fear, yes, but she also smelled of something else entirely. Of her. And as of right not, this was his only anchor to reality. To himself.
“Please, Sam…” he pleaded without meeting her gaze. His voice was weak as he struggled to even form coherent words. “Tell me… Tell me you’re real…”
So she did.
“I’m real, Josh. I am really here.” His eyes shot to hers and if he hadn’t been so desperate for those words at this moment he would probably have been hurt with how frightened she was behind those brave eyes. His breathing was close to panting now.
“It’s me. Sam. You wouldn’t hurt me.” Slowly, very slowly, she raised her wrists that were caught in his insisting palms and he looked down at them, “Now let my hands go.”
It took him a full minute until he finally did. He finally let go.
Cautiously she removed herself from him and ended up standing by the fireplace. Fire, fire was good – it would aid her if he got out of control.
He felt cold in her absence despite his relief of it. She was here. She was Sam and he wouldn’t harm her…
Hungry…
“No.” His voice was louder than intended and he got to his feet so fast that he skipped how Sam was actually now holding something to the fire to light it up.
Feed…
He stormed to the door and swung it open. The biting cold hit him like a brick wall but he didn’t register it. He needed to get out, to breathe without the sweet scent of blood. So that was what he did and as his desperate feet crushed the snow under him, he tried not to think of what he just left behind.