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That summer had been busy. Ever since Amanai’s death, Satoru had poured himself into working on his techniques, mastering his inherited limitless technique and his reversed curse technique. When he wasn’t working on his abilities, Satoru was sent on missions, alone. No longer were they the strongest, just Satoru.
Suguru tried not to hold it against him. After all, he knew how Satoru felt. Amanai’s death could have been avoided if they hadn’t been so arrogant. If they were stronger. He knew Satoru blamed himself, just as Suguru did, but with days turning to months, Suguru grew resentful. Not just of Satoru, but of everyone. Returning home to an empty dorm room, risking his life every mission for the ungrateful non-sorcerers who created the curses in the first place, and the higher-ups who couldn’t care less about if him or his comrades died on the missions they shipped them off to.
Exorcise
Consume
The shit and vomit taste never improved no matter how many times he’d done it. It hadn’t bothered him so bad before, Satoru was always there as a distraction to annoy or cheer him up. Then they’d stop and get some sweets to share on the way back. Not anymore though. Now Suguru limped back home on his own, gagging on the curses festering within his throat. He always wondered if consuming curses, the worst parts of humanity manifested, would begin affecting his psyche.
Even the thought of eating food became unappealing. Everything tasted like shit and vomit and almost nothing would stay down long enough for him to digest it. So gradually, he just ate less and less.
Shoko noticed something was amiss with her friend, but she had never been the emotional conversation type, and Suguru didn’t want to bug her. Everyday she was bombarded with the injured students and workers of Jujutsu High. The last thing she needed was to worry about something she wouldn’t be able to fix.
So Suguru kept it to himself.
Exorcise
Consume
And he rotted. From deep within, he rotted, festering his growing hatred for humanity. ‘Monkeys’ he caught himself thinking. Their applause was still deafening in his ears, and yet he reminded himself of his ever weakening values, trying to cling onto a better version of himself that was slipping through his fingers like sand. This person he was becoming terrified him, but he couldn’t see past the darkness shrouding him to find any other paths.
Satoru had asked him,
“Have you lost weight?”
“You look sick.”
“Are you feeling well?”
And Suguru plastered on a half-hearted smile and said,
“It’s probably just heat fatigue. I’m ok.”
What was he meant to say?
‘I can’t eat.’
‘I can’t sleep.’
‘I feel like I’m dying.’
‘My thoughts are scaring me.’
‘I can’t see the point anymore.’
‘I miss you.’
‘I need you.’
He met the famed Yuki, not long after. Her idea of a no-curse world sounded too good to be true… after all there is no known way of removing humanity’s cursed energy, like Toji, and like she said, killing every non-sorcerer would take someone crazy… but Satoru could do it. Not that he ever would. He may have killed the Star Religious Group had Suguru just said the word, but Satoru hadn’t been in a rational state of mind at the time, barely coming back from the brink of death. He knew his friend would have regretted it afterwards, as much as the idea appealed. Still, Suguru placed the option in the back of his mind. He was ashamed for even considering it. How would he be able to justify the genocide of billions of people?
He had always held to the belief that the strong had a duty to protect the weak, but now, he wasn’t sure if he still believed it. It was the weak ignorant masses that created the curses. Curses that kill not only themselves, but sorcerers. And what thanks do they get for excorcising them? A life of secret and alienation? The constant looming death of yourself and your friends? The lifespan of a Jujutsu High sorcerer was averaged to be around 22 years, number one cause of death? Death by a cursed spirit. Following that, suicide. Was it really worth it in the end if the people they worked so hard to save, would just perpetuate the cycle further?
Suguru entered his dorm that night, fully expecting to suffer the night alone like he had been for months now, kept awake by nightmares and gagging on bile. To his surprise however, Satoru was there, sitting on the edge of his bed with a magazine in hand.
He smiled up at Suguru and held up a lazy hand in greeting, “Yo.”
Suguru felt the familiar swell in his heart every time he saw Satoru, but it was short lived as the unrelenting emptiness building inside him consumed it.
“I thought you would be off on another mission.” Suguru said flatly, sitting down on his own bed to remove his shoes.
Satoru frowned, but walked over to sit next to him, “Nothing going on that the others can’t handle easily.” He bumped his shoulder lightly into Suguru’s, “Besides, I thought you’d be happy to see me. I know how grumpy you get when you don’t get to see my beautiful face before bed,” he teased lightly.
Something must have shown in his face, because Suguru felt a hand cover his own as he stared resolutely at the ground between his feet.
“Hey” Satoru said softly, “Look at me.”
Suguru tried to keep his face blank as he turned to his right, but he flinched as Satoru brought his free hand up to caress the side of his face, no infinity between them.
“Something’s wrong, don’t tell me there isn’t.” A thumb rubbed across his eyelid and down his cheek bone, “You’re pale, you’ve lost weight, and I haven’t seen you crack even a smile in months.”
‘How would you know?’ He thought bitterly, but held his tongue.
They didn’t do this. They were always close, touchy, even for friends, but the unspoken barrier when it came to feelings was always present. The touches always playful, casual, but not intimate. Never intimate. Suguru had tempered his longing down long ago, kept things safe: No lingering stares, no voicing his desires.
Shoko had pointed out his “crush” in private pretty early on. A crush sounded childish though, and it may have started out like that when the brash blue eyed boy asserted himself into Suguru’s life, but now? Satoru was more than that. He was his other half. His best friend. His soulmate. Whatever you wanted to call it, all he knew is that Satoru was vital to his life like no one else was.
When Toji had told him Satoru was dead, Suguru felt as if half of his soul had been violently ripped away, leaving a nasty festering wound behind. In that moment all he could do is keep moving forward, urged on by anger and the desire to avenge his friend. The shock of watching Satoru walk through that white room, very much alive with Amanai’s body in his arms, overrode any sense of relief at his survival, because looking into his empty, unfeeling, blue eyes, Suguru felt that maybe a piece of his friend did die that day, and by extension a piece of himself.
“Suguru? Earth to Suguru?”
He focused back in the moment, looking at Satoru's downturned lips and up at his creased brow.
“I’m alright, just tired, that’s all.” He said, almost at a whisper, wanting nothing more than to roll over and pass out for as long as his body and mind would let him.
“No, no we’re not doing this. You need to tell me what’s wrong.” Satoru said with annoyance, “C’mon,” he said softly, “We’re the strongest, remember? Nothing we can’t handle.”
A sharp laugh came out of his throat before he could choke it down.
“You know that’s not true. Not anymore.”
“So is that what it is? Jealousy? Because I’ve gotten stronger?” Satoru said incredulously.
“You know, not everything is about your oversized fucking ego.” Suguru rolled over onto his side, facing the wall, hoping Satoru would take a hint and leave him alone.
“Then what is it?” Satoru whined, sliding in behind him. Suguru was torn between leaning away from the warmth at his back, or sinking further into it.
“Can’t you just drop it?” He begged, suddenly far too tired to hold onto any lingering anger.
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m worried about you.” Satoru said, burying his face in between Suguru’s shoulder blades, “And I feel like if I don’t do something about it, something really bad is going to happen.”
“Nothing bad is gonna happen.” Suguru promised, knowing it was empty at best.
“I don’t believe you.” Satoru’s voice was muffled by Suguru’s shirt.
They laid in silence for a while as Suguru drifted in and out of consciousness. Knowing Satoru was still awake, waiting patiently for him, kept him from slipping away completely. And maybe it was the fact that he didn’t have to look into those piercing blue eyes, oceans deep and full of worry, that made it easier to confess.
“Sometimes,” he began, “I don’t see the point anymore.”
Satoru tensed at his back, but said nothing.
“I used to think we were doing something great, fighting curses to protect non-sorcerers.” Suguru shuddered as Satoru began slowly rubbing a hand through his hair, releasing it from its tie.
“But really what’s the point? They’ll keep making curses, and sorcerers will keep dying to protect them. Unless we do something to keep the curses from being born, we aren’t actually solving anything.”
Suguru felt himself get more agitated as he went on.
“And the higher-ups, would rather send teenagers off to sacrifice themselves, than get off their old asses and do anything about it.”
The hand in his hair continued its gentle patterns.
“And I know you can handle your missions alone now, and I know that you’re the strongest, not us, you,” Satoru paused his petting, as if to argue, but Suguru continued on, “but I miss you.”
There was more he could talk about: The genocidal thoughts, the nightmares, his dying appetite, but all those could be dealt with later, right now he just wanted Satoru to stay by his side. To continue touching him, continue speaking to him. The tightness in his chest gradually loosened the longer they were together and Suguru had not realized how tightly wound he had been until now, as he opened up and leaned into Satoru’s touch.
Suguru allowed the gentle hand on his shoulder to turn him onto his back and he looked up into those infamous six-eyes his best friend was blessed with at birth.
“I missed you too,” Satoru admitted, “I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long.” He threaded his fingers through the hair at the front of Suguru’s face, brushing it back to see his face fully.
“S’not your fault.” Suguru whispered.
“Next time the higher-ups try to separate us, I’ll tell them to shove it.”
“You’ll get into trouble.”
“What are they gonna do about it? I’m the strongest.” Satoru said with a cheeky smile.
“You’re such a dick.” Suguru said, pulling Satoru’s head down to his chest, “Now let me sleep, I’m tired.”
“You’re such an old man,” Satoru complained, but otherwise settled into Suguru fully.
“I’m being sent out next week.” Sugura remembered suddenly, “A little countryside village. Just some low level curses probably.”
“I’ll come with you.” Satoru mumbled.
“You don’t have to.”
“Shhh, I’m tired.” Satoru said, pawing at Suguru’s face who smiled in return.
For the first time in a long time, Suguru slept through the night without any interruptions. They still had a lot to talk about, but maybe Satoru would be able to figure out a solution that Suguru couldn’t see yet. He was the strongest after all.