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“Do you remember the first time you kissed me?” Nick sucked in a breath, watching as Ben nodded, with a smile on his face. “You didn’t even ask.” Ben’s smile dropped his brows furrowing.
He didn’t– Fuck.
“You didn’t pause to wonder whether this is what I wanted, and I went along with it, because I had a crush, and I didn’t know any better.” Charlie let out a self deprecating laugh, shaking his head a little. “I didn’t realize that you had all the control.”
You just wanted control over him . Those were Nick’s words to Ben before they had ascended the eiffel tower. Nick had held himself back, wanting nothing more than to throttle Ben right there in that grass, do more than just cause a split lip.
“When I eventually did realize, I thought, “this must be what I deserve”. Someone who just–just took from me whenever he wanted to, treating me like I was nothing the rest of the time. Now, when anything good happens to me, there’s a voice in the back of my mind, telling me that I’m worthless. That I don’t deserve it.” Nick’s heart shattered inside of his chest, falling through the cracks of his ribcage.
Charlie deserved everything good and more. He deserved the entire world, and Nick would be damned if he didn’t give that to him. He took a shaky breath in, his hands starting to shake a bit with the emotion coursing through him.
“And now you want me to forgive you so you feel better about yourself?” Charlie’s voice had risen now, his voice shaky, but firm. He was standing his ground. “I’m glad that you realize what you did was wrong, but you don’t get to ambush me into forgiving you.” Ambush. That’s all Ben had done.
All he ever did to Charlie.
“Sorry doesn’t make up for everything you did to me.”
Nick wanted to pull Charlie into his arms, into the protective embrace, and never let him go. He didn’t want Charlie to have to see the cruel world ever again, not as long as Ben Hope was in it. He wanted nothing more than to keep Charlie safe and close, and happy. He hated that he couldn’t.
“I really hope you become a better person so that you don’t hurt anyone else, but I don’t want to be there to see that happen.” Nick blinked past the tears he felt that welled up in his eyes, staring directly at the back of Charlie’s head.
“I don’t wanna ever see you again.”
Charlie took a step back, while Nick took a step forward, their hands meeting each other’s in the middle. Ben’s chest heaved up and down slightly, looking between Charlie and the door to Elle’s exhibition. Nick didn’t keep them around for Ben to speak, for him to make a move, for him to do anything.
Nick walked them at a quick pace through the open courtyard outside of the school, feeling the way Charlie’s fingers laced slowly with his own, how Charlie leaned a bit of his weight onto Nick, and Nick let him.
He’d let Charlie lean on him for the rest of his life if it meant Nick got to hold him close.
But the one line kept running around his mind, bouncing off of the corners, eating away at him.
“Charlie.” His voice was shaky, his lip starting to quiver. How could someone as sweet, and as kind as Charlie, not know that he was worth everything? That Nick would give up everything if it meant that Charlie got everything he ever wanted? How could someone as beautiful as Charlie not think he deserved happiness?
Charlie slowed their steps, coming to a stop just before they reached the crosswalk, tilting his head a little at Nick. Nick could see the worry in his boyfriend’s eyes, and Nick… god, he just wanted to scream at the world for hurting this beautiful boy who had nothing but love to give.
“Nick, what’s wrong?” Charlie’s voice was soft, but Nick heard him like he was speaking in a megaphone.
Instead of speaking, Nick pulled his hand out of Charlie’s, reaching up to cup Charlie’s face between his hands, before he pressed a deep, bruising kiss to Charlie’s lips. The tears that had threatened to spill earlier had now fallen, cascading down his skin, falling between their lips.
Charlie pulled away abruptly, his lips parting, his brows furrowing in concern.
“Oh, love… Nick… oh, it’s alright.” Nick’s body shook as he let the sobs out, his grip becoming a bit tighter on Charlie. “Oh, Nick… shhh…” Charlie pulled Nick close to him, rubbing a hand up and down his back.
Nick tried to control his breathing, but honestly, it was so hard. It was so fucking hard . He wanted to tell Charlie that he was worth it, that he deserved everything good. That he was worth it to Nick, and to so many people. That Nick would steal the goddamn moon for him.
“I’m right here, Nick… I’m right here.” Charlie whispered close to his ear, and Nick let his chest rest, letting the breath he was holding out.
“You are worth everything . You deserve everything happy, and good, and wonderful, and I’ll be damned if I don’t do that for you. You’re worth everything to me. To Tao. To Elle and Isaac. Charlie–Charlie, please. You have to know that.” Nick whispered the ending, his lip starting to quiver again.
It was as close to an ‘I love you’ as he was getting to today.
Charlie didn’t speak, but he nodded a bit towards Nick, pulling him in for a gentle kiss, pressing himself firmly to Nick, telling Nick everything he needed to know. Nick sighed shakily against Charlie’s lips, squeezing his eyes shut.
“Why don’t we get to the train, hm?” Charlie prompted, and Nick nodded a bit, reaching up to wipe the tears from his eyes, accidentally knocking his knuckles into Charlie’s chin.
Charlie laughed softly before he took a step back, but not too far away from Nick. NIck appreciated it more than he could ever convey. Nick wiped at his eyes, sniffing once, twice, then giving a gentle smile to Charlie, reaching his hand out for him to take.
Charlie laced their fingers together again, walking them slowly across the crosswalk, keeping himself close to Nick’s body, their shoulders bumping and brushing against one another with every second step they took.
“What’s your mum making for dinner tonight?” Charlie wondered if small talk would help ease Nick’s mind a bit, maybe get him in happier spirits.
“To be honest? I don’t even know. But whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be good. Mum always makes the best chicken and greens.” Charlie smiled, nodding. He had been subjected to Sarah’s cooking, and from the bits he did eat, it was quite delicious.
“And David will be there… how does that make you feel?” Nick tensed a bit, but he breathed through his nose, out through his mouth.
“I can make it through dinner if you’re there with me.” Charlie smiled softly, shaking his head a little.
“Sap.”
+++
Nick found them a good seat on the train, holding Charlie close to him, never wanting to let go. He had his right arm wrapped around Charlie’s shoulders, holding him close to his chest, while his left hand held Charlie’s left hand in his own.
He knew things wouldn’t be perfect tonight, but he knew that if he had Charlie by his side, that he could get through anything that was thrown at him.
“Nick?” Nick hummed, looking down at Charlie, nothing but love and adoration in his eyes.
“Thank you.”
Nick leaned down, pressing a kiss to Charlie’s forehead.
I love you. I love you. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.
+++
Charlie and Nick walked slowly from the station down the roads towards Nick’s house, taking their time. They enjoyed the scenery around them, Charlie smiling at the changing colors of the leaves, and Nick smiled softly at him.
He wished he could take a picture of Charlie, in his moment, happy. Content.
All too soon, they had reached Nick’s driveway, their hands unlacing from each other’s hanging limply at their sides.
“Do we need to act like platonic BFF’s in front of your dad?” Charlie questioned, and Nick cringed at the thought of having to hide Charlie again, even if it was only for a little bit.
“Yeah, we probably should… But–But I plan on telling him later tonight.”
Charlie’s eyes flitted between Nick’s own, before he took two steps forward, pressing a gentle kiss to Nick’s lips. Nick wished it would have lasted longer, but he knew they had to go inside, knew they had to face his father. And… David, unfortunately.
“I’m here for you…” Charlie pressed two gentle fists into Nick’s chest, pushing gently. “ Mate. ”
What.
“Uh–you did not just call me ‘mate’.” Charlie’s brows rose, his shoulders shaking with question.
“Pal… Bro.” Charlie extended the end vowel, before smiling. “Supportive straight friend?” Nick’s shoulders shook with laughter, wanting nothing more than to bury himself into a hug with Charlie.
“Charlie.” Nick shook his head, the smile never leaving his face, turning to walk inside with Charlie.
He could do this. After everything today, he could do this.
As long as he had Charlie by his side, always.
end