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“If I die, the world will be peaceful!” Nanashi exclaimed as he gazed out towards the sight below him. The people, the buildings, even his own home, everything seemed minuscule as he stood on the edge of 307 Tower.
Misane’s eyes widened as she watched Nanashi creep upon the building's end, playfully teetering across the brink of death.
“It’ll even make my dream come true, so it’s the happiest possible use of my life,” the white haired boy said as he looked at Misane and his other self, prepared to take his final step.
“Nanashi! …Please step away!” The blue haired girl pleaded as she outreached an arm towards Nanashi, desperate for any chance to possibly catch onto him.
“Thank you for putting up with my selfishness. Sorry to have caused you so much trouble.”
Before Misane could grab onto the other boy, Nanashi leaned back with a bright smile; cheerfully embracing his end.
“Bye-bye! Right now… I’m as happy as can be!”
And he fell.
…
When Nanase next opened his eyes, he was greeted by a stale room, void of any color and with the smell of potent medication overpowering his senses.
“Is… this the afterlife? If so, it sure smells a lot differently than I expected!”
“No,” came a familiar voice.
Icy blue eyes met his own pink eyes, staring deeply within them with traces of sorrow.
“Misane-chan! What are you doing here?” Nanashi chirped, excited to see his friend once more.
“Watching over you,” Misane muttered, a frown embedded on her face despite the relief of seeing Nanashi awake.
“I… survived?”
“…Yes you did. Just barely. Apparently your body had hit something before reaching the ground, softening the impact just enough for your life to remain intact.”
“I see.”
The silence was stifling. Nanashi didn’t know what to say, or exactly, what to tell the girl he had almost left behind.
“I’m sorry Misane-chan,” the white haired boy admitted as guilt welled up within him.
Misane wasn’t supposed to see him like this.
She was never supposed to see him again.
“I know you are,” Misane bitterly responded, her eyes glazed over the fragile state of his body. “But… not for the reason I want you to be.”
“…”
“I’ll come back later, please take some time to rest Nanashi.”
Leaving the room, Nanashi watched as her braid swayed in the air before vanishing behind the door frame.
He didn’t regret his choice, but he still hated hurting Misane.
…
Nanashi had managed to survive his fall, but his body had suffered grievous damage.
His arms were brutally disjointed and his legs almost snapped dysfunctional, Misane had told him it was a miracle that the surgery performed on him had even been possible.
Nanashi didn’t mind too much however, he only disliked the fact he was even more of a burden for others now.
Still, he temporarily lacked the use of his limbs. Misane had taken it upon herself to feed and care for him when the nurses couldn’t.
“Where did Mikado go?” The bunny eared boy asked one day as Misane fed him.
The girl held the spoon in her hand still, pondering a response to tell him.
“He left. After watching you fall, he silently shut down the Master Program and just… disappeared,” she answered with a solemn expression.
Everything was a blur to her the day that Nanashi jumped, she couldn’t even remember the face the other Nanashi made as he watched himself fall. Although knowing him, he probably watched himself fall with a blank expression, uncaring of what end he met.
“Do you think he knows I’m still alive?”
“I don’t know.”
“…you know, you can also leave Misane-chan. You don’t deserve to be stuck here with me,” Nanashi muttered, his eyes devoid of emotion as he tried to maintain his cheery facade.
The girl only remained silent, her eyes slowly falling into the utensil she held.
“I have nowhere else to go Nanashi.”
Mikado left, Nanashi was left broken, and Misane was left to piece together his scraps.
…
As news broke out about his suicide attempt and his miraculous survival, Nanashi had received an assortment of visitors.
Miumi had first visited him, clearly concerned about his state of being. She had brought a myriad of Japanese snacks with her to share with the two, unknowing of what else to do. She had initially tried to cheer up the pair, before ultimately lecturing Nanashi about the value of his life and promising to visit later on with Natsukage.
Haruya followed after Miumi, hesitantly bringing a bouquet of flowers that he had designed himself, alongside a bag of tea from Chino. Alike Miumi, he also had not any idea of what to say, but attempted his best to comfort Nanashi and Misane, although the white haired boy could tell just how anxious he was being near him. Nanashi couldn’t blame him, he knew he scared the other boy.
Akuta briefly visited Nanashi to keep company, the two didn’t exchange many words, but didn’t need to. They understood what one another felt.
Akitaka showed up later on alongside his band members. Enri didn’t really have much to comment while Asuto told him to recover soon and left a Larikkuma plushie to keep him company. Akitaka himself awkwardly told Nanashi he was glad he survived, but left soon after with the rest of his friends. The trio promised to have a concert for him after his recovery, assuming he didn’t mind the risk of losing his hearing.
Aira and Potete showed up after Akitaka’s group, Aira claiming she had to sneak in Potete due to the hospital’s no dog policy. Aira had been curious as to why Nanashi had chosen to fall, but was quickly interrupted by Potete who reprimanded the boy for his actions. Both of them had promised to visit again, with Aira offering to care for him alongside Misane, and Potete threatening him to never risk his life ever again.
Towards the night, Izuchi and Kirai arrived, the self-proclaimed genius expressing fascination to know how Nanashi managed to survive and the younger brother being forced to come along. Izuchi examined him throughly while Kirai complained throughout the entire process, however nothing of interest was found from his search. Afterwards, Izuchi made a note to check up on Nanashi again while Kirai had grumbled about hating seeing him in such a pathetic state.
…
“How are you uh, doing?” Natsukage questioned as he walked into Nanashi’s hospital room.
“Fine! Or well, fine enough one can be after falling a few stories!” Nanashi quipped as he greeted the other with his usual brightness.
“I’d call that more than a few stories to be honest…” The athlete groaned as he took a seat near Nanashi’s bed.
The blue haired boy’s eyes traced over the other’s body, although covered, he still found himself hesitant to look.
He was always rather thin for his age… but after a fall like that, Natsukage couldn’t imagine how his body resembled.
“You don’t have to look if you don’t want to,” Nanashi commented with an embarrassed expression. “I’d hate to leave you with an even worse impression of me!”
“Kinda hard to do so already considering you leapt off a building, like a week after I met you.”
“True! So why didn’t you come with Miumi earlier?” Nanashi remarked as he brushed off the other’s comment.
“I was busy watching Yukinaga and the rest of the team play Sky-Sea-Run, and well…”
“Well?”
“I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see you in this state.”
“If it makes you feel better, you originally weren’t meant to at all!”
“Ugh, only you could possibly say something so disturbing with a pleasant smile.”
“If I can’t smile, what else could I possibly do!”
He had already failed to kill himself.
“Well for one, resting. We don’t need another person with an injury after all.”
“Your leg still hurts?”
“Not really. It’s just… whatever, it doesn’t matter. Just focus on recovering! All right?”
“If you say so!”
Nanashi was unsure if he wanted to live, but if he was asked to recover by a friend, he couldn’t possibly deny them!
…couldn’t he?”
…
Natsukage visited him more often after that, perhaps even more than the rest of his friends. When Misane had been dragged out by his other friends, Natsukage offered to stay with him.
“So, this is the newest B-Pork song? It’s pretty good Natsukage!”
“Right? I’ve had this song stuck in my head after hearing it from Sakuma’s room.”
It was awkward at first, with Natsukage not knowing how to talk to the boy, so the two found conversation in interests instead.
As superficial it may be, it was still a conversation. Words were exchanged, even if they had no deeper meaning.
“Can you eat solids yet?” The Sky-Sea-Runner questioned one day on his usual visit to Nanashi.
“Sort of! The doctor told me my body could handle semi-solids at the very least, so it just has to be really soft,” the snowy colored boy responded, his intrigue heightened from the sudden question.
“Then take this,” the blue haired boy said as he tossed a small object towards Nanashi.
It was an ice cream pop.
It wasn’t the chocolate banana type that Natsukage preferred but rather the sky blue colored ones that reminded him of Misane.
“Thanks Natsukage! I’ll make sure to pay you back later when I have the chance!” Nanashi chimed as he clumsily unwrapped the treat, his fingers still in the process of healing.
“Hmph, just eat the dang thing,” Natsukage responded with a groan, nonetheless appreciative that the other boy accepted his offer.
“Will do! It’s been so long since I’ve had something so sweet… A-ack!”
“What?!”
“It’s so cold! Ugh, brain freeze...”
“Don’t tell me you forgot how to use your brain after that fall!”
Nanashi waited and Natsukage visited.
As the artificial flavor of the popsicle melted in his mouth and his tongue was stained blue, the bunny-eared boy remained oblivious to the other’s staring.
This was different, but neither minded.
…
“Wow! It’s been some time since I’ve last seen the outside world from a non-window!” Nanashi cheered as his eyes sparkled in excitement towards the streets of Blue Sun Street.
“It hardly feels like anything has changed,” Misane commented as she pushed forward on Nanashi’s wheelchair.
“Right? Oh I wonder where we should we go first? CocoAlley? Sunset Hill? Another district entirely?” The boy asked excitedly as if he were walking outside for the first time ever.
“We should stop by your house first. You’re probably curious to see it after all this time.”
“I am! C’mon Misane, let’s go home!”
“Yeah… let’s go home,” Misane murmured as she rolled Nanashi towards his house.
She missed this feeling. The warmth that the other boy provided, even if incorporeal and forced.
Her own home and father were gone, but at the very least, she still had Nanashi.
…
Nanashi’s arms had recovered successfully, but his legs were a far different story.
At best, he’d retain his ability to walk after physical therapy. Unfortunately, his legs were still incapable of movement in the meantime.
Until then, he had to use a wheelchair.
It hadn’t bothered him much, but he did feel guilty about needing to be helped everywhere.
“Sorry Natsukage,” the milky haired boy apologized as he allowed himself to be pushed by the other man.
“It’s no big deal, it’s not like you can move by yourself anyways,” Natsukage complained back as he continued to move the man within the wheelchair.
“I-I can! It’ll just take me a while to catch up to you, that's all!”
“Just be grateful I even decided to take you out today,” the athlete commented with a huff, a small smile apparent on his face despite the troublesome company.
“Where should we go today?”
“I was thinking to Sunset Hill, it’s been a while since you’ve last visited there right?”
“It has! Oh, I can’t wait to see Granny and all the others again!”
As the two waited for the bus to arrive, onlookers could only watch the bickering pair; a curious boy in a wheelchair and his displeased, yet secretly relieved friend.
…
“Here,” Natsukage stated as he held another small package within his hands for Nanashi to take.
“Another ice cream pop?” The recipient chirped, happy to be a receiver of a gift for once.
“Yup. Granny gave me a second one for free after seeing us.”
“Aww, I’ll make sure to get her something nice in return next time I visit!”
“Can’t you just take a gift without feeling the need to always give something in return?”
“Nope! I have to repay a favor when I receive one!”
“But you don’t expect a gift in return after showering others with gifts?” The athlete asked with a dumbfounded expression, only receiving the other’s usual smirk.
“Why should I? It’s not as if I deserve any, the only thing I want in return is to be their friend!”
Misane had asked him to make friends and so he did, there couldn’t be any more meaning than that?
Right?
“…you’re still the same inside, huh?” Natsukage whispered, a trace of repulsion brewing within him.
Something hollow lurked in Nanashi, it irked the very being of Natsukage. It was as if the boy had no will of his own, happily complacent in being desolate within.
Like a husk, accepting of his demise.
“What’s that Natsukage?” Nanashi asked as he tilted his head in confusion.
“No, it’s nothing. Let’s go to the Shitara’s pharmacy next, Misane asked me to pick up your prescription while we were over here.”
“Thanks Orkun!”
“Who gave you permission to use that nickname!?”
…
“Congrats on the successful recovery!” Haruya exclaimed as he greeted Nanashi upon the boy entering his home.
Nanashi’s living room was littered with balloons, alongside a sloppily drawn banner that said “Happie Recovary Nanashi!”
“W-what’s the surprise for?” The snowy boy questioned as his eyes darted between his friends and the state of his living room.
He had never seen the room be so… colorful.
It reminded him of birthday parties, except the only ones he remembered were the ones that Mikado had suggested, but were ultimately turned down by him. Instead, the pair opted to grab a small cake and celebrate quietly.
“We are celebrating the success of your healing! While I do not completely understand the human process of injury recovery! I have nonetheless come to congratulate you!” Aira commented as she attempted her best to smile at the other boy, although the closest she achieved was a rapid blink.
“Yes! We are so arigato for your recovery!” Miumi cheered as she flashed him a pleasant smile.
“O-oh! Well, thank you everybody!” The bunny eared man replied, unaware of how to react to the sudden surprise. “You really didn’t have to do this you know! It’s not like my life is worth celebrating.”
“Nonsense Nanashi. We’re all happy that you survived,” Misane countered against his deprecation. “Now please enjoy yourself, you wouldn’t want to waste everybody’s efforts for this party.”
“Yeah dude! We all worked real hard to set this up, especially since Natsukage was the one who suggested the idea!” Akitaka remarked, eyeing the blue haired male who stood at the side silently.
“I did not! I just… told Miumi that we should do something for you, I didn’t expect it to become an entire party though,” the Athlete replied, a slight flush colored onto his cheeks as he looked away from embarrassment.
“No need to be shy Orkun!” Miumi teased as she glanced at the blushing teenager.
“When Natsukage told us his idea, I suggested we make it into a party. I think this should be an occasion to celebrate Nanashi, regardless of whether you believe so or not.”
“Yeah! You should be happy that you’re getting better now! And not to mention all the preparations we put into planning this.”
“You better be grateful! I worked hard on making that banner for you! Especially with these damn dog paws!” Potete howled as she confidently bragged about her misspelled prop.
“That explains why the spelling is so bad!”
“You may have just gotten discharged but I’m not above biting you.”
“Potete!”
…
“So, you’re the one who came up with the idea for this party?” Nanashi asked as he approached Natsukage, gazing at him curiously.
The boy met his face, let out a sigh, and put an arm behind his head in defeat.
“I did.”
“Why?”
“…when I sprained my leg from the accident with Yukinaga, Miumi made an entire fuss over it. She constantly kept bringing me ice cream pops and told me that we would celebrate when it fully healed.”
“Isn’t your leg better already?”
“It is.”
“So… why plan this celebration?”
“Because, I…”
Natsukage looked away from the other man, his face slightly flustered as the other’s eager glance fixated on him.
“…wanted to make you feel better,” Natsukage whispered for none but Nanashi to hear.
Nanashi could only stare at the athlete in awe, nobody had ever bothered to go through these lengths for him.
It was strange being… appreciated.
“Thanks Natsukage,” the snowy boy murmured with a smile, one of true gratuity and not of formality.
Natsukage swore he had not seen anything more beautiful at this very moment as he glanced at the other’s expression, or perhaps, he may never see anything more than this moment.
“Hmph, thank the rest instead,” the athlete responded, his cheeks tinted rosy once more that afternoon.
…
Today hurt.
It hurt to crawl out of bed, it hurt to drink water, it hurt to look in the mirror.
It hurt so badly to breathe, as if his lungs were crumpled and his skin ached.
He looked miserable, he felt miserable, he sounded miserable, he was miserable.
Reaching a hand, he desperately tried to grab onto the medication left by the side of his bed.
Living hurt.
Placing a pill into his mouth, he swallowed the tablet immediately, collapsing onto the side of his bed as his head swirled in agony.
He felt sick, no- he was sick.
Sick of life, sick of being left behind, sick of caring, sick of waiting, sick of hurting, sick of everyone, sick of himself.
Yet, he swallowed and sat.
Living hurt, but he failed to die.
He couldn’t even fall off a building right.
He wanted to sob, he wanted to scream, he wanted to gag, he wanted to choke, he wanted to plead, he wanted to smile, he wanted to frown, he wanted to-
But instead, he waited.
Today hurt, but he would get over it.
…
“Misane-chan! I-I think I can do it!” Nanashi yelped as he tried his best to stand while holding onto the wall with his very life.
“Don’t push yourself too hard!” The girl responded as she walked over to give him his cane. “Your legs are still fragile, don’t try to overexert yourself.”
“But it’s been so long since I’ve last walked! I miss being able to walk with you normally!”
“I do too, but I also want you to recover fully. We’ll have more opportunities to walk together later on, okay?” The blue haired girl chided as she stared at him with a stern look.
“…okay.”
Handing the boy his cane, Misane gently grabbed one of his hands and led him towards the door of their home.
“Let’s go Nanashi, Haruya invited us out to his flower shop for the day. His family apparently needs extra hands and I think you could use the time to socialize more.”
Grasping her hand back, Nanashi let himself be led.
“I’ll do anything you say Misane-chan!”
…
“Nanashi! Misane! I’m so glad you two came!” Haruya stated as he looked at the pair in relief. “Mom is busy in the back working on bouquets, so I need you two to help me with some deliveries.”
“Is Nanashi really qualified to help you with that?” Misane inquired as she pointed to the walking stick the former-shut was holding. “I think he’s more suited to helping with the front desk.”
“Er, my dad is currently managing the front though. And he’s terrible with directions, so I really needed you two to help me with deliveries!” The brunette begged as he sent Misane an apologetic face.
“Don’t worry Misane-chan, I can do it! I’ll do anything people ask me to do!”
“…if Nanashi is fine with it, I suppose I won’t stop him.” Misane relented as she was exposed to both Nanashi and Haruya’s pleading faces.
“I’ll make sure you deliver nearby in CocoAlley Nanashi. Misane, I’ll let you deliver to some of the farther locations.”
“Okay!”
“Got it.”
Receiving their orders and locations, the trio quickly dispersed to fulfill their duties.
…
“Natsukage?” Nanashi questioned as he found the boy in front of the garden gates of CocoAlley.
“Nanashi? What are you doing here?” The athlete replied back as he took a glance at the other man.
Nanashi held a box in one hand and his cane in the other, while he didn’t look tremendously burdened, he was still limping quite badly.
“Delivering flowers! Haruya asked for some help and me and Misane happened to be free.”
“…he asked a partially crippled boy and his caretaker to help deliver flowers?” The athlete commented in awe, unknowing of whether to be irritated at Nanashi for accepting, or at Haruya for offering in the first place.
“Er, let me rephrase that. I volunteered to help Haruya and his mom alongside Misane.”
“Figured.”
“So uh, what are you doing here?”
“I just wanted a change of pace. I like Sky-Sea-Run, but I need a break from practicing every now and then,” the athlete explained with closed eyes and an irritated scowl.
He was obviously unable to enter the pool today.
“The pool was closed today wasn’t it?” Nanashi asked as he read the other’s expression easily, not even needing the use of his mind reading abilities.
“…Yep.”
“Haha! Well, I’ll leave you to it then,” the snowy haired male responded as he turned to continue his trek.
What he didn’t expect was for the other man to follow him, walking right by his side.
“Hm? Did you need something Natsukage?” The bunny eared boy inquired as he looked at the other in confusion.
“Hand me the box,” Natsukage huffed without any further explanation.
“H-huh? Are you mugging me!?” Nanashi squeaked as he moved the box away from the blue haired boy.
“Huh? Are you stupid? I’m trying to help you with your delivery.”
“Oh. Well, I couldn’t possibly burden you on your break. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine! I promise.”
“Ugh, just let me help you!”
“Nope!”
…
“You look utterly exhausted,” The Sky-Sea-Runner commented as he took a drink of water, courtesy of Chino for the group’s help.
The pair were now leaning on a building in CocoAlley, watching the auburn stained sun slowly set in the distance.
“I… just- don’t have a lot of stamina,” Nanashi groaned as he took a gulp of water from his own bottle. “Whew! It’s been some time since I’ve drunk water outside like this. It feels like I just ran a marathon or something!”
“You walked like a mile at most. Maybe even half to be honest.”
“For a former shut-in this is a lot! And I just got discharged from the hospital.”
“Fair point. Although, shouldn’t you be recovering? All this strain on your body can possibly be good for you mid-healing.”
“…I can’t help it. I feel good when I help others.”
“Even at the cost of your own health?”
“Especially at the cost of my own health!”
“There’s something deeply wrong with you, you know that?”
“Of course I do! Everyone always tells me there’s something wrong with me before they leave.”
“…”
“Natsukage?”
“I… no, it’s nothing.”
“Hm? Just tell me! Did I make you uncomfortable or something?”
The athlete stared at the other man, who grinned like nothing was wrong with the world.
It bothered him.
His grin was just as false as his eyes, void of any true feeling or intention. He behaved as if this was just a normal day, that if nothing had mattered, and as if he hadn’t jumped tried to kill himself some time ago.
He felt sickened.
“…can’t you just be honest for once?” Natsukage admitted, his eyes laid upon the bottle in his hands. It was slightly crushed by the force of his grip, the tension he tried to hide slowly easing its way out.
“Honest? I’m always honest with you Natsukage,” the other boy questioned with a tilt of his head.
“That’s a lie and you know that! You say you’re fine when you’re obviously not. You push yourself to the edge and laugh it off as if you don’t feel a thing. You push others away when they do nice things for you, and always act like you never deserve it. Just… what do you actually want?” Natsukage ranted, the bottle in his hands crushed as water spilled out, coating his palms and dripping on the previously dry floor.
“I… don’t know what I want,” Nanashi admitted, eyes averting the other boy as held onto one of his arms.
He wanted to die, no, he told himself he wanted to die.
He was prepared to die that day, but he didn’t.
This was supposed to make everyone happier, so why didn’t he feel that way?
Why does everybody smile to see him so weak and pathetic?
Why does he have to wake up every day?
Why does he have to feel the need to always please others?
Why does he feel this way?
“Something about you always bothered me Nanashi. You felt… hollow. As if you don’t actually care about how others view you, and that the people you talk to just don’t, matter. You’re still the exact same, just like before you tried to kill yourself, you have no intention of changing, do you?”
Nanashi remained silent.
“…I’m going to go now,” Natsukage stated as he turned away and left, his hands tucked into his pockets and with no intention of looking back.
Nanashi felt like crying, but he didn’t.
He just watched Natsukage leave, his figure blurring into the sunset, until not even a trace of him remained in sight.
…
“Talk to him, please,” Misane asked as she stared straight into Natsukage’s eyes.
Misane was currently at 307 Tower’s training center, where she called for Natsukage under the impression of an emergency.
“He refuses to leave his room, and nothing I say can bring him out. I-I’m so scared he m-”
“I have nothing to say to him,” the athlete grunted, his gaze averted from the girl in front of him.
He shouldn’t have to deal with this, he should be having a normal teenage life.
He should be helping Miumi learn Japanese, practicing Sky-Sea-Run, playing games with Yukinaga, annoying Sakuma whenever she was being bossy, shopping for clothes, whatever people did that didn’t involve Nanashi.
“…I couldn’t stop him from jumping. I stood there, and watched him fall. Nothing I said could stop him. Please Natsukage, I’m begging you! I-I can’t help him.”
“Why should you? He has no intention of changing at all.”
“You’re wrong Natsukage,” Misane argued back as she glared at the other boy. “Even if just so slightly, he’s changed.”
“…”
“I love him Natsukage, but I’m not the one who can help him,” Misane admitted as her lips curled into a deep frown and her voice began to crack. “You can. You’re the one who broke through to him during his recovery, you’re the one who makes time for him even when you act like he’s wasting your time, you’re the one who bought him gifts even when he openly denied them, you… made him feel like that it was okay to be a burden. You’re the one who, made him want to be selfish, even if just a little bit.”
“Just… why do I have to be the one who has to do this! It’s not my job to fix him, I barely knew him for a week until he jumped off and tried to kill himself! Just, why does it have to be me?” Natsukage cried out.
Why did it have to be him who Nanashi relied upon?
Why did he have to be the one to comfort the other?
Why did Nanashi have to be the one who walked into his life, and just as quickly, tried to leave it.
Just why did it have to be him?
Misane could only smile sadly at his comment.
“Because, you’re his friend,” the girl muttered, her words solemn, yet piercing. “And… maybe perhaps even more important than that.”
Natsukage’s eyes widened upon hearing this statement, realizing just how important he had been to Nanashi.
To him, Nanashi was weird, perverted, hollow, and sometimes endearing when he wasn’t acting so strangely. He was troublesome, but he didn’t find himself minding too much.
But to Nanashi, he was his friend.
Perhaps the only person he could truthfully confide in, or the only that bothered to look beyond him, and call him out for what he truly was.
“…let’s go,” Natsukage relented, a scowl engraved onto his face as he grabbed his belongings and headed out.
…
“Nanashi,” came a familiar voice, almost as if it came from a dream turned reality across from Nanashi’s door.
“…Mikado?” Nanashi groaned, wondering if he had gone insane from ignoring his medication.
“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” The older voice chuckled at the other’s reaction.
“I-it has. Why are you here?”
“…I don’t have much time left.”
“I see.”
“How do you feel?”
“Fine.”
“Even if you weren’t me, I can obviously tell you aren’t okay.”
“…it hurts Mikado.”
“I know.”
“I-I don’t know what to feel. It feels like my head is splitting apart and my emotions are all scattered around and the numbers in my head just keep appearing… I’m so, lost.“
“Nanashi,” the green haired man stated, his voice interrupting the other’s reverie.
“Yes?”
“Do you hate me?”
“No...”
“Do you still hate yourself?”
“…yes.”
“Do you want to live?”
“…”
Nanashi only met him with silence.
The world was a better place without him, and he loved the world so dearly.
So why did he feel so conflicted?
Why did it feel like… he didn’t want to die?
“You’ve changed,” the older voice remarked, tinged with surprise, yet a sense of bemusement.
“Have, I really?”
“Perhaps, you don’t realize it now, but just ever so slightly, you’ve changed.”
“…I don’t think so.”
“Haha, well your stubbornness is still the same I suppose. But, you’re different from me. Perhaps, you’ve even become your own person by just a tiny bit.”
“…”
“I won’t stop you from doing whatever you choose to do next, but I want you to know that…”
“…”
“I leave the future in your hands.”
“…”
“Goodbye, little brother,” Mikado stated, his voice echoing away as Nanashi leaned further against the door.
“…goodbye, big brother,” Nanashi whispered, unsure if Mikado heard him or not.
He leaned against the door, his body and mind in disarray.
Everything hurt.
And he couldn’t get over it today.
…
“Nanashi, open the door,” Natsukage asked as he waited in front of Nanashi’s bedroom door.
“I don’t want to,” the white haired boy replied back, earning an eye roll from the athlete.
“Fine, we’ll talk out here then,” the blue boy responded back as he patiently stood in front of the door that divided them.
“…”
“I… I’d like to apologize for what I said to you the other day. I was out of line.”
“No, you were right Natsukage. I’m hollow. I’m not sure if I ever cared about the friends I made or if I even wanted any in the first place. I just did so because I asked to, maybe it… never mattered.”
“…”
“But it’s okay. I’ve made my choice. This should all be over soon. Th-“
“Are you done lying to yourself now?”
“Huh?”
“Honestly, I’m not going to pretend I know what you’re going through Nanashi. I’m just a normal teenager who competes in Sky-Sea-Run and teaches Miumi Japanese when I have free time. But what I do know, is that deep down, some small part of you desperately wants to live, no matter how much you try to convince yourself you’re better off dead.”
“…”
“You force yourself to smile, to please others, to help others, but you really don’t want to. You keep lying to yourself, keeping up this facade, and for what?”
“Because Natsukage, I’m worthless. I’m a piece of trash, a pest, maggot, spineless, dust, plankton, moron! All I do is cause others trouble. I couldn’t even kill myself properly! How much more worthless could I be?” Nanashi cried out, unfurling his frustrations at the other man.
“Enough! I don’t care what everybody else has called you, what I care about is what I’ve seen. You’re weird, insecure, oblivious, and sometimes outright depressing. But you’re my friend, Miumi’s friend, Misane’s friend, Akitaka’s friend, Haruka’s friend, heck even an android and dog’s friend!”
“…what good is a friend if all I do is cause you grief!?”
“I’m not going to lie, you’re honestly troublesome to be around. And yet, no matter how much I want to sometimes avoid you and forget you ever existed, I can’t.”
“…”
“Even if you chose to disappear or tried to kill yourself again, I- no, we won’t forget you. I’ll always remember you, I’ll always remember the time we spent at the hospital or during your recovery party, I’ll always remember when you smiled so brightly when you received presents for once, or tried so hard to pretend to be okay when you were obviously not. Even if you’re a nuisance, we want to be with you just as much as you want to be with us,” Natsukage admitted, uncaring of his embarrassment at telling Nanashi how he truly felt.
“Natsukage… I.”
“Open the door Nanashi. Please.”
“…okay.”
Steadily, the door that blocked the pair slowly crept open, revealing to Natsukage the boy behind the barrier.
Nanashi looked terrible, his legs visibly trembling as he tried to move the door open, his breath ragged and hoarse, his face somehow even paler than usual, and his once pink colored eyes now dull and husky maroon. The scars of his surgery now apparent to the athlete, making him look all the more brittle and feeble.
He seemed as if all life was almost sapped out of him, perhaps even the embodiment of hollow.
And yet, he didn’t feel repulsed.
Even battered, disconnected, and exposed, Natsukage saw the boy for what he was, beyond the facade he desperately maintained.
“W-welcome in Natsukage!” The snowy haired boy greeted with a halfhearted smile, soon after crumpling onto the ground with a soft thud.
“…you look terrible,” The athlete sarcastically commented as he crouched next to him.
“Fitting for somebody like me, isn’t it?” Nanashi mumbled as he rolled over into his back to face Natsukage.
“Doesn’t it hurt to stay like that?”
“…no.”
“Be honest.”
“…fine, it does. It hurts, a lot.”
“Did you take your medication?”
“No…”
“You’re a real piece of work, you know that?” Natsukage grumbled as he walked over to fetch the boy’s prescription from his desk. “Open your mouth.”
Obeying the other’s directions, Nanashi exposed his mouth to allow the athlete to drop a pill into him.
“So, did you just stay like this all morning?”
“Just about!”
“Didn’t even let Misane help you?”
“I didn’t want to burden her any further…”
“You’re already a burden, you know that? Worrying her even more than need be,” the blue haired man complained as he placed a finger on his temple.
“…”
“But that’s fine you know.”
“Fine?”
“Be a burden Nanashi. Let other people help you, let yourself be sad, be in pain, be vulnerable, be cared for… just, be well, yourself.”
“Is that really… okay?”
“Doesn’t it get exhausting to always pretend like you’re okay?”
“I-it does.”
“So drop it.”
Glancing at the man next to him, Nanashi made a curious expression.
Be… himself?
He didn’t know what he was, let alone who he was.
“Can I cry?” He gently asked.
“Feel free,” Natsukage reassured.
“Can I be mad?”
“Yup.”
“Can I complain?”
“Definitely.”
“Can I… live?”
“I don’t think you need me to answer that one.”
Nanashi felt something wet on his face, almost foreign. He reached a finger to his eye, it was moist.
Was he… crying?
“I-I… hate this so much. I hate feeling like this, I hate being in pain everyday, I hate looking at my body, I hate knowing I hurt Misane so much, I hate knowing everybody wants me to be okay, I… I hate knowing that my death won’t solve anything!”
“That’s okay,” the athlete consoled, making sure to listen to the other boy’s wails and anguish.
Lending an arm out, Natsukage allowed the other man to grab onto him, clinging onto him in a needy manner akin to a baby.
“When I jumped. I told myself the world would be a better place if I died. I convinced myself that it would make my dream come true, that it would be the happiest use of my life. But…”
Steadying the boy, Natsukage allowed Nanashi to grasp upon him, embracing the boy as his overwhelming tears poured onto his clothing and his sniffling and sobbing graced his ears.
“…I was wrong. I never knew how much everybody cared about me, or I never allowed myself to realize it. I didn’t realize that I wanted so badly just to be with others, to not be left alone for once, to have the pleasure of calling others my friends! It’s wrong to be so selfish but… I want to be with others so badly! I want to spend time with you, Misane, and all the other friends. I want to smile and cry with others, I want to laugh and be mad with others, I want to receive gifts and give them, I want to do so much in this world I love!”
“Then do it! There’s nobody holding you back except for yourself. Live Nanashi, be as selfish as you want! You deserve to live too!” Natsukage snapped back, uncaring of the influx of tears that trailed upon his back and soaked into his clothing.
“I… deserve to live?” He reiterated, the words becoming stuck within his mind as he processed the overwhelming sensation surging within him.
He shouldn’t be happy to hear him say so, he shouldn’t care about his life, he should be dead.
But he wasn’t.
And perhaps today, he was glad he wasn’t.
“As much as anybody else,” Natsukage whispered, his words laced with genuinity, his arms carefully cradling the trembling boy.
“Then Natsukage.”
“Yes?”
“To answer your question from the other day, what I want is…
…to live,” Nanashi exclaimed as a beautiful smirk formed on his face, tears of both joy and sadness dripping onto his face as his arms around the other man tightened.
He was broken, but he didn’t care.
For at this moment, he was shaking, breathing, crying, smiling, sniffling, and most of all…
He was alive.
…
“…when I was falling off 307 Tower, I thought to myself, would you be happier in a world without me?” Nanashi stated as Natsukage outreached a hand to help him off the floor.
The other man’s face was reddened from his excessive crying, but the smile that graced his face was as clear as the tears that fell from him.
It was genuine.
For at this moment, he was truly Nanashi.
“What do you think my answer to that question would be?” The athlete responded as he roped his hand around Nanashi’s, having no intention of letting him go.
“Yes?”
“It was obviously no you idiot!“
“I-I know, I know, but…”
“But?”
“It just, really makes me so happy to hear you say so,” the snowy man muttered, his face slightly aflame from the other’s honesty.
“It should go without saying in the first place!” The azure haired man responded, his gaze averted from the other as the pair embarked to leave Nanashi’s bedroom.
Nanashi hobbled and struggled, but Natsukage held onto his hand, refusing to let go.
Natsukage was wrong.
He had managed to see something more beautiful than the night Nanashi smiled at him.
And it was right next to him, limping, red faced, and hobbling.
…
Day by day, Nanase lived.
He apologized to Misane before being scolded for a lifetime. The blue haired girl breathing a sigh of relief as she watched the other use his walking cane, finally intent on recovering.
He watched Natsukage practice Sky-Sea-Run, afterwards buying ice cream pop together. He pretended to ignore the other’s barely disguised adoration as he brought him his favorite chocolate banana popsicle, or the feeling of Natsukage’s soaked arms and clothing on his skin when they were alone; a bad habit the athlete retained that Nanashi didn’t find himself minding whatsoever.
He attended Akitaka’s show despite his ears bleeding afterwards, and even allowed himself to sing with the others after their continued insistence.
He studied Japanese with Miumi while snacking on the countless pastries she found while exploring Sunset Hill, laughing about the memories they each had about a certain blue haired athlete.
He delivered flowers with Haruya, chatting with the other boy as he watched the brunette’s shoulders relax, perhaps a sign of his newfound comfort around him.
He learned how to be human alongside Aira, even if they both were given odd looks for mimicking the strange behavior of their friends and family.
He played with Potete, the dog biting him before allowing Nanashi to pet her.
He spoke with Akuta, a small smile present on the author’s face as he listened to Nanashi’s woes, fully accepting of his predicament and his newfound hope.
He experimented with Izuchi, the genius being slightly more sensible than usual as he took care not to cause any extraneous distress in Nanashi’s body, claiming that even a genius knows a commoner’s limits.
And by his side, Natsukage remained. Even if the athlete groaned and complained, he stayed.
If he would stumble, Natsukage would catch him.
If he limped, Natsukage slowed down for him.
Even if he broke down and wailed an endless amount of tears, Natsukage would wait and offer his shoulder in silence, and maybe even offer an ice cream pop to share.
And when the other man would be upset, Nanashi patiently waited for him to calm down before offering reassurance, and taking the athlete out for an excursion away from all their troubles. Even if Natsukage would become all flustered and claim it was just a hangout, despite them both knowing it was far more than that.
If Natsukage was happy, he was happy.
Perhaps it was selfish to live this way, or perhaps, him being able to live at all was selfish.
But that was okay.
And even if he couldn’t dispel all the doubts that lurked deep within him.
He continued to live,
to breathe,
to laugh,
to cry,
to smile,
to love,
to hate,
And to embrace all the selfish desires and emotions he discovered as time passed and his wounds lessened, with only scars remaining to recount the tale of his plunge.
Because today,
Instead of falling.
He chose to stand.