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Greir was several days into the desert when she was forced to admit that the snow wasn't going to go away on its own.
Under a cloudless sky dominated by the unforgiving sun, the barren expanse stretched as far as the eye could see. Skulls of large herd animals bleached white in the sun. Tumble-weeds rolled by. Bandits lurked in the craggy hills. It was a proper desert, as dry and hot as a desert should be.
And still, it kept snowing.
Not all the time, but for short spells of disturbing frequency and regularity, it snowed. No matter where Greir was, or what she was doing; fresh, fat flakes of snow, gently descending from a clear blue sky, right on top of her.
The morning of her third day in the Wastelands of Imminent Regret, Greir woke under the already searing hot, newly-risen sun to find herself wet.
She sat up in her bedroll, which was soaked through.
"Fucking snow," she said, and squelched to her feet.
She was well-accustomed to life on the road, but since this ridiculous weather business had started, it had become much less convenient to sleep outdoors.
At least she wouldn't die of thirst in the endless expanse of dust and sand. The desert heat would dry her out quick enough, but before the melted snow evaporated she wrung out her clothes and blanket into her mouth.
She drank her fill of thrice-cursed mother-fucking meltwater, then gathered her things and turned back the way she had come. Clearly, being in the desert wasn't helping, and she was getting nowhere wandering around out here.
"Regretting your choices, yet?" asked a bright-eyed desert fox perched on a nearby boulder.
"I never regret anything," she muttered.
This was a lie. For instance, she was kind of regretting drinking the melted snow. It had tasted oddly sweet, and she was sure that had to be a bad sign.
The fox grinned like it knew. She stomped by in a hurry. Only an idiot got into it with a talking fox when it looked that pleased about something.
It took her a day and a half to find her way out of the desert. She stopped in the first town she came to that had a soothsayer open for business. It was time to grit her teeth and ask a professional.
"I've been cursed," she told the wizened old lady behind the counter.
"Cursed, you say?"
Greir pointed out the single small window providing scant light to the interior of the shop. Through the grimy glass, the first flakes of another snowfall could be seen drifting down.
"Cursed. With snow. Doesn't matter where I am or what the weather is like, it just starts snowing on me out of nowhere. Just on me! Like it's following me around. I need you to tell me how to stop it, or at least figure out who did this to me so I can find them and cut the curse off at the source. With violence, preferably."
"Hmm." The crone leaned over the counter, assessing her with squinty eyes. "I'm going to need a sample."
Greir folded her arms over her chest. "You better mean of the snow."
The crone straightened and waved a hand. "Sure, we can start with the snow."
Greir marched outside. The snow, coming down steadily now, redirected from the roof of the soothsayer's hovel to centre once again over her head. She stood dourly in the middle of the road as low drifts began to build up in a circle around her. The crone hobbled this way and that for a while, making hmming noises and poking at the snow on the ground with her walking stick.
"Well?"
The old woman bent to scoop some snow off the ground and stuff it in her mouth. She hmmed again. Water dribbled down her hairy chin.
Greir began to wonder why she ever expected competence from anyone she met when experience continued to suggest everyone but her was a complete fool.
"And how long did you say you've been having this problem?"
"I didn't. It's been getting more frequent of late, but it's been happening on and off for a few months, I guess."
"Months? And you're just now seeing someone about it? You really shouldn't put things off like that." The crone gave her a reproachful look.
Greir glared back. "I've been busy. Just tell me you can break the curse."
"Well, now, problem there is, this ain't curse snow. With curse snow - all precipitation-related curses, really - you get more of a bitter after-taste. You know, because of the resentment. This snow here is mostly just snow."
"Mostly."
"Well, look at it."
"What? It's snow."
"Look at it!" The crone waved her hand in Greir's face. One gnarled finger pointed right at her nose, on the tip of which lay one single, perfect snowflake.
Greir squinted. "It's shaped like... are those breasts?"
"Or maybe an ass," the crone said thoughtfully. "An ass with two curiously identical boils. You ever seen an ass with boils like that? Or a pair of boobs with nipples like that? To be honest, they're most likely boobs."
For a second, Greir squinted harder and tried to place them. Then she smacked the crone's hand aside. "This is stupid. Tell me what's going on."
The crone just turned and starting catching more snowflakes on her tongue, smacking her lips with each one. "How does the snow make you feel? Does it make you feel horny? How horny, would you say, does it make you feel? On a scale of 1 to 10 - 1 being a boil-covered ass, and 10 being a huge pair of hooters."
"This is pointless." Greir turned to leave.
"You haven't fucked any metaphorical representations of elemental forces lately, have you?"
She stopped and rounded on her again, because clearly another glare was warranted. "No!"
"You sure? Like a weather sprite, maybe. Or the God of Thunder, he's pretty kinky, I hear he likes to dabble in blizzards. Or there's Mother Nature, she's a thirsty one. You didn't fuck Mother Nature, did you?"
"No."
"Hmm, how about the personification of one of the seasons?"
Greir sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Oh, for Sithrak's sake."
"I'll take that as a definite maybe."
"It was one time."
"One time's all it'll take. Don't they teach you kids anything in school these days? Wait, where are you going?"
Greir kept walking. "I've got to see a queen about some snow."
It was high summer in the lands surrounding the mountain where the embodiment of winter should have been slumbering peacefully through the fruitful months of the year.
To Greir, it all looked much as it had the last time she'd been here; at least once the snows had receded as she was leaving, after claiming her reward. Another year and another winter had been and gone since then. She wondered who had managed to satisfy the Snow Queen this time.
Someone had, or else she wouldn't be following the narrow path up to the door of the mountain-top palace in balmy, midsummer heat. The temperature was oppressive, only somewhat alleviated by the steady fall of snow that had been accompanying her these last twenty minutes or so.
Inside the front cavern of the Snow Queen's abode, she stopped to brush a little ice off her shoulders and looked up to find a hulking yeti blocking her path.
"The mistress is - er - she isn't receiving visitors at this time," it said.
"She's... sleeping," said another, popping up right beside the first as she tried to go around it.
"Then what's that noise?" she said. The boudoir was just beyond, and the noises coming from it didn't sound like snoring. She tried to sidestep again and found a third yeti in the way.
"She's busy. Er. So. Try again in six months?"
They were annoying, and clearly covering up something weird, but she didn't have any particular desire to fight a bunch of yetis, so she shrugged and left the way she came in.
It was easy enough to detour off the path and scramble up the rocky slope till she stood beneath one of the palace windows. She had a grappling hook in her pack, and in a few minutes she had managed to hoist herself up to the open window and climb inside. She pushed past some billowing curtains to find herself in a familiar chamber.
And there she was: the Snow Queen, in the middle of the bed, naked, riding some kind of contraption that was making a loud buzzing noise.
"Well, don't mind me," she drawled.
The Snow Queen's eyes flew open at the unexpected interruption, and she squeaked and dismounted in a hurry. "It's you!" She sat gasping on the bed, flushed with arousal, while the abandoned sex toy, with tassels swinging, continued to whir away beside her.
"I'm having a problem," Greir began, and never got to finish because the Snow Queen attacked her.
With her lips.
Just flew right off the bed and came at her face first, kissing Greir wildly and flinging both arms around her neck until Greir got passed the initial shock and managed to push her away.
She didn't push her that hard, and yet for some reason the Snow Queen tottered backwards and fell dramatically on the bed, limbs splayed attractively, her smooth, glistening vulva on display and difficult to ignore.
Greir stared, the Snow Queen sighed, the bedazzled cock vibrated on, until things got uncomfortable.
"If you wouldn't mind," the Snow Queen said, lifting her head to look expectantly at Greir, "could we hurry a little, please? It's just that this is my favourite dream and the yetis will soon be in to wake me."
Greir closed her mouth and dragged her eyes away from the Snow Queen's cunt. She didn't know what was going on there, so she chose to focus on her own issues:
"I'm having a problem with random, unseasonal snow following me around and annoying the shit out of me at least once a day and I'm pretty sure you're the reason it's happening so can you put that away and confess? I don't have all day."
"Oh." The Snow Queen sat up and gave an embarrassed laugh. "This isn't a dream, is it? Ahem." She spread her hands. "Welcome back to the boudoir of the Snow Queen. How may I help you?"
"First, seriously, put that thing away."
"What, this?" She grabbed the noisy sex toy and clicked something at the base which made it finally stop buzzing, before tossing it off the side of the bed.
In so doing she rearranged her position so her knees were back together so Greir didn't bother correcting her. "Sure. That. Now, what's up with the snow? A wise-woman told me it comes from you."
"Me?"
"Yes, you."
Greir gave her a hard look. The Snow Queen held her gaze, but after a few seconds she started to bite her lip. Her hands twisted in the sheets.
She cracked. "I've been thinking about you!"
Greir folded her arms over her chest and waited.
The Snow Queen sighed. "I should explain. You see, no one managed to, you know, satisfy me this past winter. Not like - like you did. The frozen wasteland might have lasted a long time, but then a group of nice little men came and gave me this mechanical penis in exchange for a few old yeti pelts we had lying around the place. At first I was unsure if it would work. The penis, that is. But it worked quite well. Only..."
"Only you're not sleeping through the summer."
"It gets me off but it doesn't last. I have to keep pleasuring myself or the frosts return." The Snow Queen blushed. "I don't mind it so much."
"Right."
"But it's important that I remain diligent. If summer were to be cut short, crops would fail, there'd be no harvest, that could lead to famine. Plus, the yetis are hoping to place this year in the local Gardener's Association Annual Flower Show. So I've been masturbating a lot but, well, I guess it's like they say: there's no substitute for the real thing."
"But it worked for me," Greir pointed out. "I used a fake dick, too."
The Snow Queen frowned. "Oh, that's not the substitute I'm talking about. I... it's a little lonely here in my boudoir, you know, the months passing, visitors few and far between - and the ones that come, usually leave in bad mood. It's not just the orgasms. It's nice that they try."
"Look, I'm sorry about that, sounds like a drag, but none of this explains why I'm getting snowballed three kingdoms away every time you rub one out."
The connection was clear. The snow had started up minutes before Greir had come in and found the Snow Queen enjoying a little private time.
"It helps," the Snow Queen said in a small voice. "It helps me get off. I'm sorry, I didn't know you were being affected. I've never tried it this way, you know, holding winter at bay. I'm an old-fashioned metaphor. I suppose the cold and ice is being displaced rather than banished, and because its you in my thoughts, that's where it goes."
"So you think about me. While you... And I get dumped on."
The Snow Queen shrugged. "It's a theory."
Greir was unsure how to process this turn of events. So she decided not to. "Here's a conclusion for you: have another go with the ride-along-cock and don't think about me. Think about anything but me. I'll go outside and see if anything gets displaced. If not, problem solved. I'll be on my way and out of your hair."
"Oh. All right. That makes sense." The Snow Queen looked down, picking at the rumpled bedspread. "Now?"
"Now would be great."
Greir hurried out of the cave and stood on the mountainside, looking up warily, half-expecting yet more fucking snow to gently hit her in the face. The air was clear of flurries for now, although the temperature had dropped significantly and grey clouds loomed overhead. The warm summer breeze that had accompanied her journey here was markedly more chilly.
Greir rubbed at the goosebumps rising on her bare arms as she met the eye of a yeti who was tending a flower bed nearby.
"Nice pansies," she said.
The yeti nodded, then looked up at the sky and sighed in a resigned sort of way. He shrugged at Greir before picking up a trowel and focusing back on the flowers.
They were nice pansies. You could win a Village Gardener's Association Annual Flower Show with pansies like that, Greir assumed. And after all, what was the point of fucking pansies, otherwise?
She kicked a pebble down the slope, annoyed at the lurking suspicion that she might be missing the point of pansies. Whatever. Forget pansies. She put them from her mind and instead wondered how long it took to get off with a damn dwarf-powered dildo these days. Those little fuckers didn't mess around.
She tapped her foot. She tugged on her braids. She thought about the Snow Queen in there, whimpering as she slid the vibrator into her sweet, slick -
"Fuck."
The yeti gave her a reproachful look and she was about to tell him to fuck off when suddenly it was summer again.
The clouds broke, the sun shone aggressively down on a land bursting with green life that was somehow much greener and livelier than before. The plummeting wind-chill factor hit the roof as balmy heat washed over her, filling the air with the heady scent of tilled earth, pollen, and freshly-fucked pussy.
Greir stood dumbstruck for a moment at the sudden change, uncomfortably turned on and starting to sweat. Around her, the flowers seemed to shiver with delight, new buds swelling and bursting open, petals spread wide. It was downright obscene.
"So it's always like this?" she said.
The yeti just spread his soil-covered hands.
She didn't remember it being quite like this when she had fucked the Snow Queen herself. Sure, she had brought summer to the land, but it had come slowly, the snow melting and green shoots just starting to show themselves as she made the triumphant journey from the mountain to the village to collect her gold.
Those little dwarf fuckers really didn't mess around.
She kicked aside a curious vine that was trying to curl itself around her ankle, and in so doing almost missed the way the yeti was gesturing at her. "What?" She looked around, then up, just in time for the first snowflake to hit her in the eye. "Son of a..."
She swore all the way back inside.
The Snow Queen, flushed and dishevelled, was lying on her stomach with her head buried under a pillow. There came a muffled squeak. "I'm sorry!"
"It didn't work?"
She emerged, looking sheepish. "I couldn't help myself, you just popped into my head. I can't stop thinking about you. I dream about you, too. I've never felt this way before."
Greir felt herself turning red. "Look, I'm not... I'm not that special. Okay? You have to stop thinking about me. It's weird."
The Snow Queen bit her lip. "Or you could fuck me into a sex coma like you did last time."
"I..." the retort died on her lips. "I could."
"It's just an idea."
"I didn't bring a harness."
The Snow Queen spread her arms, inviting Greir to take in every inch of her bare skin. "I'm warm. For now. You c-can touch me if you want."
"That's a good point. Fuck."
"Please?"
Greir considered it for two more seconds. "Yes."
She tried to get undressed with a little dignity, but ended up tripping on her tunic with one boot still on and her jerkin sleeve caught on an arm in her haste. She landed on the bed face down while kicking and flailing her way out of the last of her clothes.
The Snow Queen applauded the effort politely. "This is already more interesting than my dreams usually are. Well," she amended shyly, "before the oral starts, anyway."
She parted her knees hopefully.
"The oral," Greir declared, "is about to start."
The next round of applause was a lot more heartfelt.
She'd had her face buried between the Snow Queen's thighs for several minutes by that point, and felt it was appropriate. She was pretty damn good at this, after all. Greir felt oddly validated as she indulged an urge that, if she was honest, she'd been feeling since first entering the boudoir - for the second time.
The first time she was here, she'd only been interested in getting the job done. She hadn't considered what she was missing out on. Covered head to toe in thick, insulating fur, not even an inch of their bare skin had touched. The heavy weight of the Snow Queen's breasts had only registered through sturdy gloves, and when she gushed around the plunging thrusts of the wooden cock, Greir got to breathe in the scent of her but was denied a taste.
Before, the Snow Queen's icy flesh had chilled the very air around her, and now Greir's grasping hands had their fill of warm skin and softly yielding curves. She slid both palms under her ass and lifted her up for a better angle as she swirled her tongue around the Snow Queen's dripping entrance for a while, before licking along the delicate folds of her labia and finally moving to nibble at her clit.
And all the while the Snow Queen moaned and sighed and made happy little squealing noises to accompany the odd burst of spontaneous applause.
"It's so nice that your tongue isn't getting stuck there!" she enthused at one point.
It was practically her first time, Greir realised. Anyone dumb enough to touch her directly at the height of winter would end up with a snap-frozen appendage or two. And during summer she was normally hibernating, not receiving visitors.
On the heels of this realisation came another: being an immortal seasonal avatar was kind of a crap shoot when you came right down to it.
"It's always a little awkward," the Snow Queen added, "when I have to call the yetis to bring warm water."
Greir released the swollen bud of the Snow Queen's clitoris from between her lips. The woman arching up under her mouth was eager and responsive; Greir could have easily had her going off in a matter of minutes. But there was no real need for it to be over so soon. After all, she wasn't here to do a job this time. This was a personal matter.
And maybe they both needed to live a little.
"Turn over," she said. "On your knees."
The Snow Queen readily complied.
She was beautiful like this. Greir paused in the worship of her ass to notice: the slender line of her back, the round swell of her hips, the way she bit her lip and peeked back over her shoulder to see what was happening. She shuddered as Greir gave the soft underside of her left buttock a grazing nip before tonguing a path up her spine. She lingered there, taking her time just to taste her skin as she slid her open mouth along the creamy smooth curve of her shoulder. She tasted like sweat, and sex, and faintly sweet, like a summer breeze in a meadow.
Draped over her back, while her mouth was occupied, Greir took the opportunity to grind her mound against the Snow Queen's ass. She couldn't resist giving it a smack.
"Oh!" The Snow Queen looked over her shoulder, momentary surprise quickly overtaken by bashful delight.
Greir drew back to admire the fading imprint of her hand. She grinned. "So how do you feel about spanking?"
The Snow Queen paused to consider.
"Optimistic!" She thrust her butt up and out like it was coming to attention.
Greir lifted her hand and delivered another smack. And then another. The Snow Queen gave a little squeak at every impact, and then rocked back for more. Soon her pale ass was glowing rosy with heat, and Greir was alternating short series of slaps with dipping her hand down to rub and pinch at the Snow Queen's clit.
As the spanking continued, the Snow Queen buried her face in the sheets. Her squeaks consolidated into a single, drawn-out, high-pitched whine that only choked off momentarily when Greir pushed two fingers into her cunt. She fucked her forcefully for a few seconds before pulling out and smacking her ass again.
Greir was breathing hard by then, as much from excitement as exertion. At some point she'd stuck her other hand down between her own legs to take some of the pressure off her aching clit. She rubbed it in rough, jerky motions in counterpoint to the increasingly erratic rhythm of the spanking.
She was getting too frigging horny to multitask.
One last slap of palm on flesh, and her hand delved back between the Snow Queen's legs, roughly massaging her drenched pussy.
"Hngghh." The Snow Queen's toes drummed on the mattress and her hips canted back against Greir's hand. "Please."
"Hold that thought."
Greir pulled back and lurched over to the edge of the bed where previously the Snow Queen had abandoned that weird sex toy. She grabbed it off the floor and inspected it momentarily.
She snapped off the handlebars, first. She didn't appreciate that kind of whimsy. Or any whimsy, really. She just wanted something to stick up inside her without feeling ridiculous. She was more than wet and it slid in easy, just enough of a stretch to feel good.
"It's even better when it's turned on," the Snow Queen commented helpfully.
Greir's rational side was naturally wary, but her libido was more of a risk-taker. "How do you turn it on?"
The Snow Queen bounced up on her knees and her hand dove between Greir's legs, feeling around the base of the toy. A switch was flicked.
"Guuuhh."
The Snow Queen grinned. "That's what I always say!"
Greir needed a moment.
When she eventually adjusted and managed to open her eyes, the Snow Queen was still there, very close, her hand still covering Greir's between her legs. Greir surged forward and kissed her, pushing her down to the bed.
They rolled around for a while, and Greir straddled one of the Snow Queen's thighs so she could ride the toy more efficiently while licking and sucking her way across the Snow Queen's ample chest. Finally, she settled back between her legs, arranging herself on her knees so she could reach down to thrust the vibrator in and out of herself while she lapped intently at the Snow Queen's clit.
She was barely there a minute before two hands grabbed her hair and yanked her in hard. The Snow Queen cried out over and over as she rocked her hips frantically against Greir's face, her fluids erupting in an orgasmic flood, drenching her thighs and Greir and the sheets beneath them.
When her hips finally stilled and she fell silent, the Snow Queen seemed to melt into the bed, a blissful smile on her face. She hummed dreamily to herself, her eyes closed.
Greir lifted her head and stared down at her, blinking. She wiped a hand over her face. Then she toppled over on her back, grabbing her boob with one hand and working the dildo harder between her legs with the other. She was horny now past all reasonable levels of horniness and the only thing she could think about was getting off. And she was so close, her orgasm building fast as she ground the heel of her hand into her clit and rocked against the vibrating terror buried inside her.
"Fuck yes," she groaned. Alllmost there.
"Oh! Can I help you with that?" Suddenly the Snow Queen's face came into view, hovering over her. "I don't usually get to do this part."
"Fuck. Yes."
The Snow Queen leaned down and their lips met in a hungry kiss, tongues sliding wetly. She kissed Greir's neck, soft lips trailing down from there to her breasts, closing over a nipple, making her cunt tighten and pulse around the thick shaft inside her. She was starting to shake, right on the edge, when the Snow Queen turned around and straddled her chest. She bent over, and Greir's hand fell away as she took over thrusting the toy in and out.
The Snow Queen's cunt was hovering right over her face, and Greir ran her hands up the back of her thighs to her ass, cheeks still a little reddened from the spanking. It was distracting as hell, and staved off her oncoming climax briefly while she contemplated craning her head up to slide her tongue into the sticky cleft one more time. But then the Snow Queen's head dipped down and she closed her lips over Greir's clit and sucked and it was all over.
She came hard, her whole body jerking as the powerful spasms wracked through her.
Some time later, when Greir came back to herself, she realised there was a snore coming from somewhere down near her thighs. The Snow Queen was a dead weight on top of her, pinning her down quite effectively. That was problem number one.
Problem number two: how to turn the vibrator off. It was starting to get seriously uncomfortable. She couldn't reach down there, trapped as she was underneath an unconscious naked woman.
Greir briefly considered calling for a yeti.
She was not going to call for a yeti.
With some effort and awkward maneuvering, she managed to half-shove, half-wriggle her way to freedom, at which point she yanked the still-buzzing toy out and threw it across the room.
With any luck, the Snow Queen wouldn't be needing it any time soon.
She certainly seemed to be sleeping soundly, a soft smile on her lips. That is, until Greir started to slide to the edge of the bed. A hand reached across the sheets and snagged her wrist.
She looked back and found the Snow Queen blinking sleepily up at her.
"Wait," she said. "I'm sorry, I never got your name."
"Greir."
"Greir, you should totally come back and see me in..." she yawned widely, "about six months." Her eyes closed again.
Greir got dressed and left by the front door, waving to several yetis holding a square-dancing class on her way out.
"She's sleeping," she said, gesturing back over her shoulder.
"Oh, we know," said a yeti, pausing his heel-toe-clap.
"We were listening at the door," said another as he grapevined by.
"Good job on the oral." The yeti calling the steps held up a furry thumb, and all the other yetis followed suit.
"...Thanks."
The lands were green and lush, the sun shining warmly, as she journeyed away from the Snow Queen's abode. It didn't snow at all that first day, or the day after. Each day that passed without so much as a chilly breeze was a sign of success.
But then, almost three weeks after leaving the Snow Queen's bed, Greir was haggling with a merchant trader over the price of escorting his caravans through the mountains to the seaport on the coast, when it happened.
"Er," said the trader, "you got a little white stuff on you."
Greir looked up in surprise. "I..." She stopped, wiping the beginnings of a smile off her face as the trader looked at her oddly. "Oh. Oh that. It's nothing."
"Comin' down pretty hard. Is that - huh. What's up with that?"
"Just ignore it."
"You cursed or something?"
"Or something. Now, about my fees?"
"Isn't that kind of cold though?"
"It's fucking snow, of course it's cold."
"Is that... you know, that kind of looks like -"
She smacked the snowflake off his hand.
"That snowflake sure looked like someone's butt. Cute dimples. And hey, this one looks like some kind of oyster."
"It's not an oyster."
"Hey, I've been to the beach, I know my shellfish, lady."
"It's not - look, shut the fuck up about the snow!"
"Whoa. Fair enough, friend."
Greir cleared her throat. "So about my fees?"
The trader nodded placatingly. "Sure, sure, well if you get the job done we can talk about... sorry, it's just, does it help? With the fighting and such?"
"What?"
"Some kind of badass magic ass-kicking frost powers you got there, huh? That's cool." He edged closer in order to nudge her with his elbow. "Get it? That's cool."
Greir glowered and considered snapping his elbow off and shoving it down his throat. This job would be a decent gig, though, so she restrained the urge to maim for now.
"Right. Frost powers. Real badass. In fact, in addition to my basic services, I offer an exclusive upgrade to preferred customers, all magic snow and snow-related powers inclusive. For an additional fee, of course," she added with a grin.
By the time the deal was struck, and the trader left to ready the caravans, the snowfall had ceased. The bright sun overhead left nothing but a circle of meltwater rapidly sinking into the otherwise dusty earth, like it had never happened. Her head and shoulders were barely damp.
She scuffed a toe in the moist soil for a moment before walking away. Funny how much it had bothered her before. She wondered if it was just a one time thing. If it would happen again any time soon.
She wouldn't go around admitting it, but it was kind of nice to know that someone out there was thinking of her.