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Everyone has heard of Eren Jaeger.
Whether or not it was actually by name, at the very least people have heard of him by the nicknames and titles created for him, like “Survey Corps Monster” or “Humanity’s Last Hope” or “Rogue Titan”, things like that. Others have the pleasure (or rather, misfortune) of knowing him as an acquaintance, a fellow soldier, an obedient subordinate, perhaps even a friend.
Eren Jaeger is many things. He is a loyal soldier, a rogue titan, a questionable human being, a teenage boy, a semi-member of the most elite military squad to have ever existed, a blissfully obedient subordinate, a dear friend, an annoying rival, a terrible figure in some stories, a wonderful hero in others. Everyone knows of him, and has heard of him at least once.
Despite his many nicknames and titles, his various roles in people’s lives, the last thing anyone would expect him to be is “Sex Addict”.
“...and then he fuckin’ had the audacity to look at me with those big damn eyes of his an’ say- ‘wanna go again?’” Gunther hiccuped, cheeks flushed with alcohol as he waved a beer bottle in hand. he took a swig out of it as various exhausted sighs rang out through the courtyard, haunted looks on some soldiers’ faces and glazed expressions on others’.
“How can he have that much stamina,” someone muttered, rubbing their face and shuddering from the mere memory of being sexed into oblivion by none other than Eren Jaeger.
Yes, Eren Jaeger. a Sex Addict, a Casanova, a total temptress, a succubus, whatever. The current topic at hand, the perpetrator of many wet dreams and near-violent experiences of pleasure for everyone in the courtyard.
Mikasa glared down at her cup of beer, not even slightly inebriated, despite the various beer bottles that surrounded her general area. Many have already moved away from her, giving her space as to avoid the dark aura she was emitting. How could all of these filthy animals have touched Eren, she seethed, completely ignoring the fact that it had been Eren who came onto every single one of them, yes, even on her.
“Was it really that bad for you guys?” Christa sounded surprised. In contrast to everyone’s haunted and dizzy expressions from the oh-so-vivid memories of Eren’s pleasurable tortures, she had a dreamy smile on her face, gorgeous eyes sparkling with delight as she fondly remembered her own sexual adventures with her fellow cadet. “Me and Ymir had a lot of fun!”
Next to her, Ymir was leaning against the small blonde, looking amused by the situation and the misery of everyone around her. They had both enjoyed their threesome with Eren without shame, fondly remembering how the boy had let Christa enthusiastically peg him for hours on end whilst Ymir sat on his face, suffocating him as she reached her very gradual release.
Eren Jaeger was not the only one with intense stamina and a freaky nature in the sheets. It’s just that no one else but each other was often good enough for Christa and Ymir. Unknown to everyone else, that was not the only time they had done it with Eren.
“I mean, the sex was really good, like really good,” To no one’s surprise, it was Reiner who said this, though everyone silently agreed. “But it’s honest to god terrifying how quickly he can get it up again even though he came like, four times in a row. It was really hot, and fuck, i’d do it all over again, but man, my dick was literally chafing by the end of it.” Many people winced at that, remembering how their own... private parts had also experienced the same thing as Reiner.
“If this is a titan shifter thing, that might make sense, but if we find out that it has absolutely nothing to do with that, i might just be scared of that knucklehead forever,” Jean declared, staring off into the distance. He very, very, vividly remembered when Eren had first cornered him in a storage shack, the way his red lips were slick with spit as he dragged his sneaky, long fingers all over Jean’s sides, lowly telling him You've been pent up lately, right? Let me take care of that for you, I'll make it good...
Eren had done good on his promise. Very, very, good. It was literally mindblowing, and Jean had walked out a new man. It would be embarrassing that he received the best sex of his life from the most annoying brat in the world, had the sex not been so good that it basically removed all shame and embarrassment from his mind.
Eld recalled how Eren had dragged his tongue all over the older man’s body, giving teasing licks to the most unpredictable of body parts and making eld shiver with the barest hints of pleasure, before the boy had taken him into his mouth and sent his brain to heaven with how fucking good that blowjob was. He deeply regretted being so out of it that he barely even processed when his dick slid into Eren’s ass until after he came again, this time buried inside of the titan shifter’s ass rather than in his mouth, but he, as a man, as Eren’s senior, both military-wise and age-wise, would never, ever admit any of that. He would be killed on the spot if he did, even though literally everyone in that courtyard, man or woman, puberty-ridden teenager or fully grown adult, had literally been on the same end, some of them having gone through it multiple times.
Still, it was best for their pride and barely-clinging-on-morals that none of the adults said it aloud. Only their pillows would know, wet with tears (and other liquids) would know.
Petra stared forlornly into her mug of beer. Deep shadows were etched under her eyes. It was clear that she spent many nights after her night with Eren unable to sleep, horribly processing the fact that she had sex with someone she should be protecting and taking care of- not taking advantage of! She was closest to his age out of all the veterans, only being 19 to Eren’s 15, but good lord did her superior position still make it as horrible for her as it was for the rest of her fellow veterans and gathered superior officers.
Because yes. Even her morally upright, strong, respectable, powerful superior officers, had sex with the fucking minx of a teenager.
She really wished she could blame it on Eren. Eren and his spit-soaked red lips, shaped into a soft heart that added to the youthful feel of his beauty, his big, doe eyes in which everyone could clearly see all of his emotions laid out for them to analyze without even having to try, his tight little abs, his perky little nipples, that perfectly round ass that was the godliest piece of ass anyone in that goddamn courtyard has ever had the pleasure of having, his shapely thighs and powerful legs, his curved pink cock, his goddamn devilish hands and their penchant for wandering, his rough, boyish voice that was somehow innocent and sultry at the same time. But fuck if he was a goddamn sexy sex addict who couldn’t keep his hands to himself, he was still a goddamn kid that everyone in the Corps had to look after, and every adult could blame no one but themselves for giving into his charms and seductive wiles.
Similar to Mikasa’s dark aura that was practically manifesting shadows, every soldier in a position superior to Eren’s had a heavy cloud of shame looming over them. Despite the fact that they were all definitely going to hell- shamefully, none of them could regret it. The devil could impart upon me the worst, most misery-inducing punishment, and i still could not regret having a piece of that heavenly ass, was the thought running through their minds.
They were really fucked up people. But that was a norm, hell, a requirement for everyone in the Survey Corps. You don’t willingly continuously risk your life for a high possibility of terrible death to terrible monsters even after surviving multiple times if you weren’t a little fucked in the head.
(See: Eren Jaeger, who has no shame in fucking his superior officers, and friends, and strangers, and acquaintances, and rivals. He could fuck everyone’s worst enemy and would feel no regret in it, continue on like he didn’t send them to heaven and possibly change their outlook on life forever.)
(See also: the adults in this room.)
Erwin was simultaneously horrified and pleased with himself. On one hand, he had finally managed to release years’ worth of pent-up stress without consequence and then some. (He has not felt this relaxed and clear-minded in months.)
On the other hand, he is not sure what kind of monster he released, after Eren admitted that it was his first time trying things like bondage and whips in bed but had enjoyed it ten times more than he thought he would. (His initial expectations were, apparently, very high.) Even Eren’s titan healing struggled with what Erwin had left of him.
Mike could already see his life flashing rather slowly by his eyes, like one of those plays that Sina nobles loved to spend their resources on. It was unfortunately not quite as entertaining as said plays, unless you found his pitiful life decisions amusing.
..Actually, he knew a lot of people who would find that amusing. The fact that he let a kid rile him up enough that he'd snap and fuck the kid to hell and back against a goddamn wall of all things was one of those many poor life decisions that outsiders would find amusing. He vindictively wishes a similar experience to said outsiders that delight in the misery of poor men like him, nevermind that the aforementioned outsiders were simply in his imagination.
Unlike these fuckers around him, Levi absolutely does not think of what he and the titan brat had gotten up to. He refuses to. He instead stares dead-eyed into outer space, wondering if there existed a way to kill himself violently without alerting anyone. Death would certainly be better than this hell.
Oluo does not think of Eren riding him into the bed until it broke. He does not.
(He does, however, think of how good Eren felt around his cock and how gorgeous, how utterly arousing his moans were, surprisingly high-pitched and breathy, contrasting with how his constant, loud noises made his voice hoarse and husky.)
(In hindsight, perhaps that's even worse.)
Armin smiles helplessly, and decidedly does not tell anyone who Eren lost his virginity to. Perhaps he shouldn't have agreed to a practical demonstration…
Unlike these poor people, however, Armin has nothing to be ashamed of, and therefore has nothing to regret.
He wonders what storyline he should make up for their next roleplay.
*
“He was unfairly pretty,” Porco was complaining. “Like, how does anyone have the right to look so attractive even when it’s clear they haven’t taken a shower in days? His hair was greasy but that’s it. He didn’t even smell!”
“Sounds like a charming guy.” Colt said dryly, clearly amused by his friend's complaints.
The Jaw Titan himself huffed. “You wouldn’t get it! I wouldn’t want to go near him in the first place if it wasn’t for your brother, but goddamn he has a nice voice too. You’d get it if you saw him!”
“Sure, sure,” Colt was saying, but Zeke was stuck on that one part.
“..Did you say Falco Grice was there?” he said, slowly. Porco paused, a strange expression on his face, but it went as soon as it came.
“Y-yeah,” the younger Warrior said. “He, uh, apparently gives really good advice. So he likes hanging out with him after training.”
Unless Warrior Candidates these days had more free time than they used to, Zeke did not think that Falco had more than one friend outside of the Warrior Program other than…
He prayed to the gods above. if there were any, please, please let this hunch of his be wrong. Just this once. Zeke did not want to be right just this once.
“Did he happen to have… green eyes?” Zeke prodded. Silence suddenly overtook them. Reiner was looking between Porco and Zeke with wide eyes whilst Colt had a strange mix of horror and intrigue on his face.
Meanwhile, Pieck looked as if Christmas had come early, and the Marleys decided to give them three months off as a present. “...Yeah.” Porco refused to meet Zeke’s eyes.
“And does he, perhaps, spend a lot, if not most of his time at the Eldian hospital for mental trauma patients?” Zeke had plastered a smile on his face. It was not meant to be placating or comforting in any way, shape or form. The corner of his eye was violently twitching, and so were his fingers, as if he was about to reach over and strangle Porco.
“...”
“Galliard. Look me in the eyes.” Porco did not. “Tell me you did not have sex with a mental trauma patient.”
All traces of amusement left everyone’s faces.
“... I did not do that.” Porco raised his eyes to make eye contact with Zeke. It did not last long, because Zeke’s gaze was full of cold fury.
“PORCO!” Three different voices shrieked in unison.
“HE’S FAKING HIS ILLNESS,” Porco blurted out in a panic.
“THAT’S NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD JUST TELL ANYONE,” Colt sobbed.
“why would you do that,” Reiner whispered, a look of complete and utter horror on his face.
“Yes, Porco, why would you do that,” Pieck hissed, an uncharacteristically angry look on her sweet, gentle face, thus making her even more terrifying.
“Porco Galliard, explain,” Zeke bit out vindictively, venom dripping from his tone as he crossed his arms and glared darkly down at the cowering creature before them.
“I, uh, uhm,” {orco stammered, at a loss for words for once. His head snapped to the side. “Oh, look! it’s Falco. He asked my help for something. See you guys later!” He dashed off to a direction where there was definitely no sight of the youngest Grice.
“PORCO GALLIARD, YOU, COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW-”
*
In Porco’s defense…
In Porco’s defense. Because he definitely has a defense for this.
Kruger is really, really pretty, and it turns out that Porco does not have a solid defense at all.
Even if he was faking the extent of his illness, there was no doubt that the guy had some deep trauma and severe issues. Despite this, he still smiled at Falco and gave Porco the time of day, even though he shouldn’t want people as loud and hotheaded as Porco to be in his general vicinity, when the man himself had admitted that he preferred the quiet ones over people with boisterous personalities- though he liked both.
(Porco, of course, has no idea what Kruger actually meant by that. And anyway, who doesn’t prefer the quiet over noisiness? Even Porco does, and he’s the loud one everywhere he goes.)
Kruger, despite his somewhat brutal realism and general quietness, was actually quite charming. He actually listened to Porco, despite his ranting and rambling and general noisiness, and his words that sometimes don’t even make sense. Falco had claimed the man a good listener, and the Warrior Candidate wasn’t wrong. It felt good to have his words be actually taken into consideration for once, to see how deeply Kruger thought over Porco’s opinions that he didn’t ask for, how he seriously engaged him in conversation instead of making light of him always.
And sure, Porco doesn’t mind being teased. When you grow up with an older brother, especially one like Marcel, you have no choice but to get used to it. But it still stings whenever his suggestions are brushed over, even by Pieck, who is the token listener for everyone in the Warrior Program, just because he was the stupid one.
Porco doesn’t mind being stupid. Everyone has weaknesses, and one of his happens to be that he was bad at thinking things through. To him, being dumb was the same thing as when Marcel was bad at taking care of himself; a flaw like any other. It’s not like Porco didn’t have any strengths to make up for it, it’s just that the people around him tend to make his weakness a bigger deal than for others.
In hindsight, it was probably because at least being decently average at critical thinking was a requirement for Warriors like them. It was why Porco was more suited for combat than anyone else; decisions made in a split second weren’t hard for him to make at face value, but anything more than that and he was stumped.
In a career like theirs, harsh criticism was common when it wasn’t needed. It was easy to grow numb to it, and even easier to start thinking in that same manner. Still, it was nice to be treated, well, nicely, for once. Kruger was a soldier like him, but was surprisingly gentle even towards a jaded adult like Porco. Though, it was probably in part because of Falco, who was always present.
Actually, it was probably entirely because of Falco. Kruger was surely a softie for young ones.
Had it just been that, then Porco was sure that the two of them would be nothing more than friends. Porco has plenty of people in his life who are outrageously attractive, like Pieck, who has been courted by rich Marleyans multiple times. No one in their division would admit it, except maybe Pieck, but their War Chief was also really attractive, a classic beauty by both Eldian and Marleyan standards. Porco has seen pictures of the War Chief's parents before, on accident after digging through old case files out of boredom, and sheesh, did the guy have unfairly good genes. Porco also has plenty of people in his life who are attractive in both body and personality. Really, Kruger. shouldn’t make a difference. He really shouldn’t.
But holy fuck did he make a difference. A giant, hot, incredibly arousing difference. Porco is too full of shame to recount just how he and the former soldier ended up having enough sexual tension to blow the world over, but he is not shameful enough to forget about the experience itself.
Kruger not only had a seductively good voice, but also a sinfully seductive mouth. It was just a little hard to notice because of his stubble, but the guy had really pretty lips. He shouldn’t have such pretty lips when he was a guy, but clearly the gods have favorites, and one of them was Kruger.
He gave mindblowing blowjobs, too. Porco has cummed down the man’s throat more times than he’d care to admit.
The two of them had penetrative sex more than once, and it was just as fucking mindblowing as the guy’s blowjobs, but still, Porco prefers the blowjobs. There was just something about having such a gorgeous, calm and collected guy choke on your cock, okay? (And also maybe because he was just a teensy bit embarrassed about having been ridden into oblivion when Porco had boldly declared, with his chest puffed out, that he would take care of Kruger and make it a good experience for him.)
Kruger apparently enjoyed choking on Porco’s cock a lot, too, judging by how every time Porco’s hand went down to the man’s pants, the guy had already lost it.
(He kind of felt bad for the staff at the hospital who did the patients’ laundry, sometimes wondered what they thought when they found someone’s pants just, covered in dried cum. Kruger seemed to really enjoy that too. Out of all the kinks Porco had contemplated the former soldier would be into, humiliation was not one of them.)
And before Porco died by his fellow Warriors’ hands, he would like to reveal that it had been Kruger who came onto him, cornering him in a dusty storage room after Falco had left, leaving Porco with no choice but to give in to Kruger and his frustratingly seductive eyes. Porco had no intention of approaching the guy in that way, understanding that there was a line that shouldn’t be crossed, as tempting as it was to do so at times. And yes, Kruger had actually given Porco multiple chances to back out, and yes, even if the former soldier had forced himself on him, he was no match against a trained Warrior like Porco even if Kruger had two legs and both eyes, and yes, Porco realizes that even though the situation was fully consensual he would still have his ass beaten into the ground, but still.
So please, Mr. Zeke, before you cut Porco’s dick off, consider the fact that your brother is completely well in the head and was the sole factor of his own decision-making in that situation!!! Please don’t experiment and see if Porco’s dick will grow back!!!
*
Eren’s already emotionless eyes were losing the last of their warmth by the second.
“Why.” He demanded to Pieck’s earnest face and Zeke’s exhausted one.
“Because i don’t want my hometown destroyed, silly,” Pieck laughed, her small hand rapidly descending to Eren’s crotch.
“No, I mean, why do you want to side with us when we’re planning to destroy your hometown?” He hissed, brow furrowed in desperation to know just what the hell they were thinking.
“Were,” Pieck instantly corrected, squeezing his balls. Eren’s thigh twitched, and it was a testament to his experience that that was his only reaction. Colt was honestly impressed, if a bit horrified by the situation at hand.
Due to Porco’s excessive hanging around Kruger, or rather, Eren Jaeger, he was bound to catch wind of the Jaeger (Yeager? They're spelled differently in both nations) brothers’ plans eventually. Eren was a right menace, but Porco wasn’t the Jaw Titan for nothing.
Of course, the first thing he decided to do, instead of exposing Zeke to the Marleys and executing Eren, was tell the Warriors (and Colt), then proceed to drag Eren to a Warrior safehouse before Zeke could do anything about it.
All of the warriors (and Colt) were now in said safehouse, in a cramped storage room to prevent either Zeke or Eren from shifting lest they wanted to kill each other (and it was clear from what they were planning that, even if it didn’t affect either of them emotionally, it would be like sending a metal wrecking ball to a not-wholly-dried wall of concrete), pressing against the two to prevent them from escaping.
“Please,” Zeke begged, pure anguish in his eyes. “Stop groping him.” Their traitorous War Chief had his hands and ankles bound by thick rope, his hands bound in front of his chest so that everyone could have better view if he was trying something. In contrast, his younger brother was completely unbound, but perhaps having his hand guided into Porco’s pants and the other up Pieck’s shirt were worse restraints.
Reiner was inching closer to Eren. Colt shot him a betrayed look. Don’t give in and become a pervert like them!! his eyes were saying.
What Colt had forgotten was that Reiner had already given in too many times to Eren in the past to even feel ashamed of it anymore. As it was, the only thing stopping him was Porco’s warning glare.
“Well, first of all, it’s not like most of us Eldians want to go along with the Marleys. Willingly or not, it doesn’t change the fact that all of us are repeatedly brainwashed into doing whatever they tell us to do, and if the brainwashing isn’t strong enough for some, the threat of titanizing is enough to make them close their eyes,” Pieck started, ignoring Zeke completely. Colt tried to remove the sound of the tiny hitch of her breath when Eren’s hand curled over her breast from his mind. “And second of all, I think I can speak for us Warriors when I say that we are probably the ones who want to be free from Marley the most. So no, I don’t want you to destroy my hometown, for revenge or as a statement or whatever it is you two are planning, but I am willing to help you guys free Paradis from the bullshit that the world thinks of you. I think it’s time we end this cycle, no?”
In all honesty, Pieck’s words would be more convincing if not for the fact that she was now pressing her crotch against Eren’s hip. If she and Porco wanted to have s..sex with the Paradisian so badly, could they wait until after they had this conversation? Think of Zeke’s poor, poor eyes. Think of Colt’s poor, poor eyes.
Colt was very glad that Porco had whisked Eren off to the safehouse before Falco finished the day’s training. If Falco was here right now, would they even think of him? Of his innocent eyes, at the very least?
He dreaded to know the answer.
“...I agree with your words,” Eren said, voice back to its normal cadence now that he had his explanation. “But when I kissed Her Majesty, the Queen Historia’s hand four years ago during the ceremony celebrating the Reclamation of Wall Maria, I had seen a future.” His voice faltered. “...The future, if I’m made to believe it.”
“...What exactly is this future, brother?” Zeke spoke up, eyes steadfastly locked onto Eren’s own and refusing to look an inch below, to where Porco’s hand had slipped into Eren’s button-up shirt and was undoubtedly touching his nipples or something equally horrible.
“The Rumbling is inescapable,” Eren said. “No matter what, it will wipe out at least half of humanity before I am stopped.” Something in the room seemed to darken. “...And I will not stop until Paradis is free.”
Silence. Everyone seemed to sober up, with Porco and Pieck removing their hands from unsavory places and instead settling them on Eren’s thigh and waist respectively.
“You say you are made to believe it,” Pieck was the first to say. “What does that mean?”
Eren looked… he had a strange look on his face that Colt couldn’t quite decipher. Was it anger? sadness? He certainly looked upset. or was it…
“I have reason to believe that it was shown to me by the Founder herself,” he said, slowly. “Aside from the future, I was shown memories of the past, everything that led up to that very moment, to when I was kissing Historia’s hand, to the things that happened right after…”
“It felt like I was being told that I had no choice but to take that path, because I already walked right into the puzzle pieces that led to it. The reason why I came to Liberio was to see if that future really was true.” Eren lowered his head, long hair falling into his face and making Colt unable to see what kind of expression he wore. “And Falco was there, just like in my vision. He talked to me, helped me up when I fell, came to me everyday just to sit next to me for hours, and delivered my letters.” Eren’s voice was soft, so soft that it felt like a simple poke could tear through the cotton feel of his voice.
Ah. So it was resignation.
Colt wonders how he felt, keeping all of this to himself for four years. He… he would have been fifteen back then, and in their world that’s not very young, but Colt remembers reading books of old history, and remembers that fifteen was the age where children turned into teenagers, and only then would they start being more independent, working to gain experience, being left alone to their own devices.
Everyone in this room was younger than fifteen when that happened for them. Everyone in this room was only fifteen when the world started looking washed out in their eyes, feeling the weariness that Colt was told only fully-grown adults felt.
Everyone in this room was only fifteen when the weight of the world was on their shoulders.
“But this offer to help me- to help Paradis reach freedom without having to take all those lives,” Eren’s voice had strengthened, just a little. “This… was not in the future I saw. In my memories, Porco Galliard never once came to visit, and it changed nothing, he learned nothing,” he raised his head and turned it to look Porco in the eye. Porco’s face was serious, but his body language was entirely relaxed.
“None of you were supposed to find out. I… can no longer predict what comes next.” His voice turned soft again, soft as a whisper. When Colt had first seen him, him and his handsome, gaunt face, he saw only the wariness in his twitching fingers, the carefully-planned movements, the cold, dead look in his eyes. He did not think that this man would have his emotions written in every facet of his body, after his guard was lowered, his emotions spilling out of his darkened eyes, where Colt could suddenly see the hint of a feeling, like the spark of a flame amidst ashes of a campfire.
Colt silently wonders if Eren Jaeger was the type of man who everyone knew to be completely and unashamedly honest, and if his eyes used to be bright.
“What are you talking about?” it was Porco who spoke this time. These were his first words since he had explained to everyone what he had found out, and it made everyone startle. “It’s obvious, isn’t it? That this future isn’t actually set in stone like you thought. This future was probably shown to you at your lowest, at the right place and the right time, to make you believe that you’re nothing but a helpless pawn who can’t stop any of it from happening.
Well, guess what? For some reason, whatever reason, you managed to change the future. We’re all here, sitting in an averted path, with a new future that none of us can see. And that’s better, isn’t it? Now, we can actually do the things we want to do, without having to commit horrible stuff just to make sure those plans happen.” It was Porco’s eyes, too, that spoke all of his emotion. His body language had barely moved besides the ever-so-slight tensing of his shoulders, and his voice was steady and firm without saying anything else.
The eyes are the mirror of the soul and reflect everything that seems to be hidden, was a quote that Colt remembered reading in a book, and like a mirror, they also reflect the person looking into them.
“Whatever the Founder meant for us to do, it’s all fucked up now. You don’t have to play by her rules anymore, following those laid-out instructions like her obedient dog ‘cause you’re terrified of what’ll happen if you don’t,” Eren’s eyes were widening with each word out of Porco’s mouth, and the man’s breath hitched when Porco grabbed him and pulled him in to knock their heads together, looking him right in the eyes to emphasize his words, “Eren Jaeger, you’re free now. Don’t fucking let her force a belief onto you again. Whatever happens now, don’t go hesitating.”
“...I wasn’t planning to,” Eren whispered. Since their foreheads were pressed together, every breath fanned over the other’s face. “Whatever I do… I have to keep moving forward. That means I can’t look back, not even for a moment.” Colt could see how the his Adam’s apple was bobbing.
He couldn’t see it properly due to the pair’s position, but Colt imagined a smirk pulling at Porco’s lips when he said, “Good.”
Zeke lunged over the table, restraints and all, just as Porco pressed his lips to Eren’s.
“GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF HIM,” Their War Chief screeched, violently knocking his head against Porco’s. A crack resounded through the room, and the Jaw Titan was yelling as he fell to the floor.
“WAR CHIEF, WHAT THE HELL,” Porco was clutching his bleeding forehead, though steam was already rising to heal the damage.
Pieck was pulling Eren to the side to avoid either of them getting caught up in the mix, and Reiner and Colt moved away to do the same.
“Zeke, stop it,” Eren said.
“HE TAINTED YOUR VIRTUE!” Zeke seethed. Eren blinked.
“..Are you talking about my virginity?” he said slowly, baffled.
“Yes,” Zeke settled down on his haunches, ignoring a cursing Porco. “He- he dared to come onto you! Brother, let’s continue with our plan, surely we can still find a way, and he’ll be the first one to-” “STOP PLOTTING MY DEATH!” “-and then we can go away to somewhere no one can find us-”
“Zeke, I already lost my virginity to Armin when we were 14,” Eren interrupted plainly. “And anyway, I was the one who propositioned Porco.” Leaving Zeke speechless (and Porco, too, and the rest of them, because who the hell loses their virginity at 14?!), while Eren continued, “So, what’s the new plan? In one week, WIlly Tybur will declare war on Paradis to the whole damn world during the festival, which was when we were originally going to start the attack.”
Pieck shrugged. “We can brainstorm here, this meeting is technically about it, anyway,” she waved a hand dismissively. “In the meantime, you mentioned Falco was delivering your letters? I’m assuming to your comrades, yes?” at Eren’s nod, Pieck continued, “Then, let’s first write a letter discussing the change of plans…”
*
“I'm going to write a book,” Armin said. “It will be called ‘Sex Saved the World’.”
“Please don’t do that,” Eren pleaded.
Ignoring him, Armin went on to declare, “What it’s about is exactly what the title says. I’m going to write about how Eren Jaeger, the Founding Titan, lost his virginity to me, became a sex addict, had sex with the enemy, thus getting the enemy to fall in love with him, so that when the enemy found out about his plans, they convinced their friends and coworkers to side with Paradis against the world, thus sparing the world from the Rumbling, and forming an alliance to eradicate the titans and free the Founder.”
Eren whimpered, “Please stop talking,” at the same time that Mikasa said, “You were the one who tainted Eren’s virtue?!”
Armin paused. Okay, maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned that. Too late to back out now, however, as a mixture of rage, horror and betrayal warred on Mikasa’s face.
“...He was the one who asked for a, uh, practical demonstration,” he defended weakly.
“Thank you for introducing Eren to sex, Armin,” Hange said enthusiastically. “I've been having so much fun and good stress-relief these past few years. Did you know he was into painplay?”
“Oh, yeah, definitely,” Armin confirmed. “It was one of the first things we discovered together, though it was an accident more than anything.”
“We haven’t had much time to experiment because of everything that’s been going on these years, what else is he into?!”
“I’m pretty sure edging is a form of painplay, though we haven’t tried that yet.”
“He gets off on being humiliated,” Porco offered.
“He let me peg him, he was really into it!” Pieck revealed.
“He likes being manhandled.”
“Prolonged foreplay makes him go crazy.”
“The brat crossdressed once.”
“Cock and ball torture.”
“He’s an exhibitionist, as i’m sure you all know-”
“Bert and I double teamed him once-”
“Cum inflation-”
“We roleplayed a torture interrogation-”
“Humping-”
“Wax play-”
Eren buried his face into his hands as his so-called-comrades’ enthusiastic voices were replaced by their screaming, Mikasa and Zeke having snapped and started chasing people around with sharp objects.
He should have gone through with the Rumbling.
“YELENA! HOW COULD YOU?!”
“LORD ZEKE, PLEASE, FORGIVE ME! I GAVE IN TO MY SELFISH DESIRES AND COMMITTED AN ATROCITY-”
He also should have added bombing the whole of Marley into his and Zeke’s original plan, and he should’ve gone through with that at least.
*
“How did you and Porco meet, anyway?”
“Huh?” Eren paused from eating his dinner to look at Pieck.
“You said that Pock was never supposed to meet you in the hospital, right? How did it end up happening?”
“...”
“Eren,” Mikasa said, in that dangerous warning tone of hers when she knew something was up with him. Eren looked steadfastly at his food, eating it to keep from being forced to talk.
“Eren. How did you and Galliard meet.”
Eren refused to meet anyone’s eyes. “...Falco, asked him to come to the hospital to… investigate the staff.”
“why,” Mikasa demanded, an increasing fury in her eyes, the utensils clutched in her hands making audible snapping sounds. Armin and Pieck, and everyone else at the table, began to inch away from her.
“...Falco saw me having sex with a nurse. He… got the wrong idea.”
“Eren!”
“I was having withdrawals,” Eren defended, flinching and raising his hands up in an attempt to block Mikasa. “If I didn’t fuck or get fucked, I was gonna go insane.”
“Humanity’s Last Hope, everyone,” Jean said, because he was a little shit. “Ruined his plans to destroy the world because he was gonna lose his mind if he didn’t get some.”
“Shut it, dickface,” Eren snapped, while Jean said, “Dickface? But don’t you remember it was my dick that was fucking your face-”
“So rather than sex saving the world,” Armin said thoughtfully. “Wouldn’t it have been Falco who saved the world, because he saw Eren doing it with someone?”
Everyone’s head turns to Falco, who was sitting at another table with his hands pressed to his ears, rocking himself back and forth as if it could help to block his hearing from hearing Eren and Jean’s increasingly loud conversation.
“It wasn’t sexy at all, you were choking me with your fat dick-”
“I remember you cumming from choking on this fat dick-”
“Stop spreading false information, you pervert-”
“Who’s the pervert here, you exhibitionist-”
“Falco!” Connie cheered as the two’s yelling changed into grappling each other in the form of a fight, with no illusions as to what they were actually doing. “You should write a book like Armin did, ‘Walking In On My Friend Getting Fucked Gave Me Trauma, But It Saved the World-’”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Colt screeched back, his hands covering Falco’s own, pressing them hard against his younger brother’s ears. “HE’S TWELVE, YOU ANNOYING DIPSHIT-”
“I was eleven when I read my first erotica!”
“THAT’S NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF!”