Work Text:
Lately, Su Yang has been somewhat of a mess.
“You look like you’ve got a lot of things going on, Vice Captain Su.” A co-worker who had passed by commented as he pulled out the seat next to Su Yang and sat down. “Stressed? Are you overworking yourself again?”
“No, no!” Su Yang shook his head. “It’s just…” He trailed off with a light blush appearing on his face once his mind wandered off to “it”.
“Ohhhh.” The co-worker whistled with a teasing smile after noticing the blush on Su Yang’s face. “Love problems, eh?”
“I—“ Su Yang tried to defend himself but his face only kept betraying him further by turning redder and redder as each second passes by.
“Don’t worry, you know that you can always trust me Vice Captain Su.”
Su Yang sighed and slumped on his chair in defeat after being found out and unable to defend himself.
“What…” He took in a deep breath before continuing, “… What do you do when you thought that you had gotten over someone but your feelings for them suddenly returned?”
“Hm…” The co-worker suddenly started to think. “It depends. Were you both romantically involved? Or is it just a crush that’s returning?”
“Well….” Su Yang smiled awkwardly as he couldn’t bring himself to answer it at all for some reason. “… It’s complicated.” He sighed.
“I would suggest you try your luck with them again or if not, you might have to break off your friendship for good so that you can move on properly.”
“Isn’t that a little bit too harsh?”
“Vice Captain Su, think about it.” The co-worker leaned his back on the chair before adding, “Would you really pin over that person forever? You’re going to have to move on sooner or later. There’s no point in having an unrequited love.”
“That’s true…” Su Yang wasn’t sure how to react. He knew that the advice was pretty realistic and probably the best thing for him to do but…
“I feel like I’ve been loving them for a very long time….” He mumbled. “I feel like I’ll love them forever even.”
“Vice Captain….” The co-worker sat up, shaking his head with a sigh. “I always knew that you were this type of person. I don’t know whether or not that person is lucky or unlucky to have you love them this much.”
‘Hah… What would you think if you knew who it was?’ Su Yang could only smile weakly in response.
“I can only give you that kind of advice, but I really do hope that everything goes well for you.” The co-worker stood up and patted Su Yang gently on his back. “Remember that you’re worthy of love too, Vice Caption Su, so don’t just settle for one person. If they don’t love you then let it be, there’ll always be others who will love you unconditionally like how you love that person.”
‘But why can’t that person be him?’ Su Yang closed his eyes and slowly nodded. “Thank you.” He muttered.
“Take care of yourself.” The co-worker said and patted Su Yang on the back on last time before leaving.
Su Yang was once again left alone inside of the office, mind only filled with him, him and him .
Ever since a few days ago, memories that he had never experienced before had started to appear in his mind like a foggy dream that he had been in. Su Yang weren’t sure what they were but he had a vague idea of what it might be.
It was just a wild guess though.
After those memories had suddenly appeared in his mind, Su Yang’s feelings for Tang Erda which were supposed to be buried had resurfaced and it has been occupying his mind for quite a while now.
“What should I do….?” He whispered to himself.
★☆★☆
Su Yang wasn’t sure how long he had been crushing on Tang Erda for but he felt as if he had liked him for a very long time.
At first, he really thought that he only adored Tang Erda because they were best friends and obviously, anyone would adore their own best friend, right?
But Su Yang’s ‘adoration’ for his best friend became rather…. odd the more that he thought about it.
Would you think about your best friend every single day?
Would you feel all warm and fuzzy whenever your best friend does something towards you, even if it’s a small thing like a single touch?
Would you think about what it would be like to kiss your best friend?
Su Yang thought about it, again and again, but no matter how hard he tried to dismiss it as ‘adoration for your best friend’ it just wouldn’t stop haunting him.
Finally, one day, Su Yang accepted it.
He didn’t know how exactly or when exactly it had happened but he just knew one day that, “Shit, I really am in love with my best friend.”
It was supposed to be just a phase, a small silly teenage crush that would eventually fade away, but weeks turned into months and months quickly turned into years.
Su Yang was head over heels for his own best friend but what was he going to do about it? Nothing. He did nothing.
Many times, he had contemplated about whether or not to voice his feelings out, but every single time, Su Yang shook his own head, coming up with various different excuses like, “It’ll ruin our friendship.” Or, “He doesn’t like me that way.”
Whenever Su Yang looked at Tang Erda, only love, adoration and longing filled his eyes. Tang Erda was everything to him and he would do everything as long as it meant that Tang Erda was still here with him.
Su Yang felt guilty whenever he thought of them being something more than just friends. He couldn’t bear confessing as long as there was a chance that Tang Erda would look at him with disgust.
They were just best friends.
And that was okay.
Su Yang was happy with just that.
Even if it meant that he would continue to love Tang Erda forever.
★☆★☆
“Su Yang.” The sound of Tang Erda’s voice greeted him, snapping Su Yang out of his daze. “Are you tired?” Tang Erda’s figure in front of him suddenly became clear as Su Yang stared up at him with his now focused eyes.
“No.” He shook his head.
“You don’t look okay.” Tang Erda frowned and leaned down closer towards Su Yang’s face. “You can tell me what’s wrong, you know.”
“Captain…“ Flustered from the sudden close distance between them, Su Yang couldn’t help but move backwards, pressing his back stiffly against the tree. “I’m fine….” He mumbled, eyes wandering everywhere but Tang Erda’s face.
And Tang Erda wasn’t an idiot. They had been best friends for half of their lives so it wasn’t a surprise that he could catch Su Yang’s lies right away. Whenever Su Yang lied, he liked to avoid eye contact.
“You’re not.” Tang Erda sighed, reaching his hand out to touch Su Yang.
“I’m fine!” Su Yang suddenly blurted out loudly, slapping Tang Erda’s hand away.
Tang Erda was stunned as he stared at Su Yang with wide eyes. Su Yang, on the other hand, was frozen in place as he stared back at Tang Erda in shock as if he hadn’t believed that he had just done that.
“I’m sorry, Captain…” He murmured.
“Su Yang—“
“I want to be alone for today.” He whispered and before Tang Erda could event react, Su Yang had already slipped out of there.
★☆★☆
Under the tree behind the Bureau of Heresy was a tree that Tang Erda and Su Yang frequently hung out at.
Tang Erda who was just a teenager at that time, laid down on the grassy ground under the tree next to Su Yang who was sitting up with his back leaning against the tree.
“Which one of us do you think will get married first?” Tang Erda asked, looking up at Su Yang who suddenly jolted in shock after being caught red handed for staring at Tang Erda.
“Um…. You….?”
Tang Erda laughed in amusement.
“Me? You really think that I would get married first?”
Su Yang nodded.
“I think it’ll be you, Yang Yang.” Every time that Tang Erda called him by that nickname, Su Yang would look away with flushed cheeks.
“E-enough with that name!” Seeing Su Yang flustered, Tang Erda couldn’t help but chuckle.
“No but I really do think that it’ll be you, Yang Yang.”
“You’re— You’re teasing!” Su Yang covered his warm face with both of his hands, refusing to look at Tang Erda.
“How so?”
“… Why would you think that it’ll be me?” He asked, peaking at Tang Erda through the small gaps between his fingers.
“Because you’re just you.”
“Huh?”
Tang Erda suddenly sat up and gently removed Su Yang’s hands away from his face.
“What else is there not to like about you? Even now, a lot of people want to marry you, A-Yang.”
“…” Not knowing how to react, Su Yang could only avert his gaze in embarrassment. “God. What are you talking about now?” He mumbled.
“Then why do you think that it’ll be me first, A-Yang?” Tang Erda asked.
“…. Because there’s no way that I’m getting married.”
“Why not?”
“Because….” Su Yang paused and moved his gaze back towards Tang Erda’s face. “Be-because….” He suddenly stuttered and was unable to answer.
Su Yang was caught breathless as he gazed at the other male. Tang Erda was staring at him with such a soft gaze as he waited for an answer but Su Yang couldn’t bring himself to answer. He just couldn’t do it.
At that moment, he felt as if time had froze in place. The only thing that he could hear was the sound of his own rapidly beating heart and the only other thing that he could think of and see was Tang Erda. Everything was Tang Erda and Su Yang felt sick all of a sudden.
“I just don’t want to get married!” Su Yang blurted out, softly pushing Tang Erda away.
Tang Erda was stunned at first but after seeing Su Yang’s flushed face, he couldn’t help but laugh.
“You’re still in that kind of phase huh, Yang Yang?”
“Ugh! No! Shut up please!”
Tang Erda continued to laugh and moved to sit next to Su Yang with his back also pressed up against the tree.
“Su Yang, I don’t think I’ll ever get married either.” Tang Erda suddenly said.
Stunned, Su Yang turned to look at Tang Erda and asked, “Why…?” Tang Erda only shrugged in response.
Later that day, Tang Erda fell asleep on his shoulder which was been a common occurrence between them. Meanwhile, Su Yang stared down at Tang Erda’s sleeping face with many thoughts swirling and twisting inside of his mind. Tang Erda’s words from earlier replayed endlessly like a never ending loop.
“What’s there not to like me about, huh?” He mumbled. “Everyone wants to marry me….” Su Yang sighed quietly and whispered, “Everyone but you….” Slowly, he reached a hand out to touch Tang Erda but suddenly paused.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get married either.” Tang Erda’s voice once again rang throughout his mind.
Su Yang was frozen before dropping his hands.
Staring down at Tang Erda’s peaceful sleeping face, Su Yang suddenly felt sick once again. How could he look at Tang Erda with such emotions? How could he even bring himself to touch Tang Erda with these feelings?
With trembling lips, Su Yang forced himself to look away from Tang Erda.
“You’re nothing more than a piece of art behind glass that I can never touch.” He whispered. “Nothing more than that…”
To Tang Erda who was a piece of art inside of a museum, Su Yang was just an admirer. A person who admired art at a museum should never touch the art piece, that was an established rule. There will always be a transparent glass separating the both of them.
An admirer could only admire the artwork and that was what Su Yang was. He could only ever admire the art from afar and that was that. He didn’t have to own the artwork nor touch it, as long as he could look at it then he was content.
★☆★☆
Tang Erda quietly ate his hotpot with his lips slightly curled up as he watched the Wandering Circus members bicker with one another, fighting for Bai Liu’s attention.
After regaining his memories and seeing Bai Liu again, Tang Erda felt as if something heavy had been lifted off of him. Everything that had happened since the first worldline felt like nothing more than a fleeting dream to him now.
All of his sufferings and hard work had finally….
Had they really paid off?
Even though the world had been saved and even though there seemed to be nothing else for them to be worrying about, Tang Erda couldn’t help but feel as if there was something missing inside of him. His chest felt hollow, like there was still a hole somewhere in there that hadn’t been patched up yet.
Tang Erda remembered that he had done everything because of something, or rather someone.
That person should obviously be safe now and yet….
Tang Erda’s mood suddenly dropped.
Why wasn’t he happy? Why didn’t he feel fully content like he should?
At that moment, the phone inside of his pocket suddenly vibrated and rang loudly, indicating that someone was calling him. Tang Erda quickly excused himself from the table and picked up the phone as he walked away from the dining table.
“Hello?”
“Captain Tang, please come quickly!” He could hear a panic voice shouting from the other line.
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“Vice Captain Su suddenly collapsed!”
Tang Erda’s whole body immediately froze in place as his eyes widened. He felt as if his entire world had crashed down on him right then and there. “I’ll be right over!” He almost threw his phone as he ran back towards the dining table in a panic.
As much as he wanted to leave right away, he still had the habit of telling Bai Liu about it first.
“Bai Liu—“
“Go.” Bai Liu calmly said with a small smile as if he had already anticipated this.
Normally, Tang Erda would raise a brow and question it but right then, he couldn’t think about anything else but Su Yang so he quickly nodded and rushed out of Bai Liu’s house without his coat.
★☆★☆
“Tang…..”
“Captain….”
“Captain Tang!”
Tang Erda snapped awake, moving his gaze towards Su Yang who stared at him worriedly.
“Are you okay? Are you nervous?” Su Yang’s hand reached out to touch his face, only to stop midway as Tang Erda moved away, mumbling a, “I’m fine.”
“…. Okay.” Su Yang retracted his hand awkwardly and moved backwards, distancing himself from Tang Erda. There was still a smile on his face but it had turned into a bitter one. “I’ll leave you here to rest then. Don’t worry about the others, I’ll take care of them for you.” Su Yang’s gentle voice reassured him before he started to walk away.
Su Yang turned around and was about to leave when he felt himself suddenly being stopped with a warm hand wrapped around his wrist.
Stunned, Su Yang slowly turned around and mumbled, “Captain Tang….?”
“Su Yang…. Are you really…..” Tang Erda was mumbling a lot of words but none of them actually made any sense.
Nonetheless, Su Yang still could tell what he was referring to.
“Don’t worry about it.” Once again, Tang Erda had been gently reassured.
“Okay….” He slowly breathed out, nodding his head and let go of Su Yang’s wrist.
Later that day, Tang Erda wished that he hadn’t let go of Su Yang. He wished that he had shook his head, pulling Su Yang into his embrace and tightly hold onto him.
If only he knew…. If only he knew that it would be the last time that he had would ever see his Su Yang of that timeline again then Tang Erda would’ve never let go. He would’ve asked Su Yang about it, talk to him about it, and maybe…. maybe if he had realised it sooner, maybe things would’ve turned out differently.
How could he have been so blind?
How could he have not noticed it?
How could he….
Tang Erda had many regrets ever since that day. He wished that he had seen the way Su Yang looked at him, his gaze filled with nothing but love for Tang Erda til the very end. He wished that he had protected Su Yang better. He wished that he noticed that he himself had always looked at him the same way Su Yang did to him.
But out of all of those wishes, Tang Erda wished that Su Yang had never loved him. Perhaps if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have to suffer through every single world line for him.
Tang Erda wasn’t blind, he just simply ignored it, purposely placing a thick transparent glass between the both of them. Perhaps he had always realised it but he had always been a coward so he turned a blind eye on it.
He had thought that if there was something that separated the both of them, Su Yang would be fine but again and again, Tang Erda continued to commit the same mistakes repeatedly.
He had not put the glass in between them once but twice then thrice…. and so on. Tang Erda continued to do it until Su Yang was so far away from him that he could barely even see him.
His feelings for Su Yang had always been there, but the glass that separated them which he had deliberately put up, prevented him from doing anything about it.
He had long notice the way Su Yang tried to break through his glass wall but was stopped by another one that had been placed.
When Su Yang had finally poked a hole through his glass wall, Tang Erda yet again put up another one but only that time, it was a wall with a window rather than a glass wall. Through that small window, Tang Erda gazed at Su Yang who started to fade further and further away from him.
And Tang Erda let it happen.
He watched through the window as Su Yang moved on.
Tang Erda had purposely made himself outsider towards Su Yang who had always been the one trying to break down the glass between them.
Through the window, Tang Erda protected Su Yang but no matter what he did, the man behind the window would always budge until finally, he no longer did.
Suddenly, Tang Erda who had always been the one putting the wall between them felt as if he wanted to jump through the window but the man behind the window had already accepted the wall so he put up a curtain.
Tang Erda once again, could only watch but this time, it was through a small crack of the curtain.
★☆★☆
Tang Erda barged into the room, panting heavily. “Su Yang…. Su Yang…. Su Yang…!” He repeatedly called out the other man’s name with his pupils shaking as his gaze landed on Su Yang who lay unconscious on the bed.
“Su Yang….” Tang Erda quickly stumbled towards the bed with his body slightly swaying. Once he was right next to the bed, Tang Erda suddenly dropped down on his knees and reached out his trembling hands to grab onto Su Yang’s hand.
Su Yang’s hand felt cold as he tightly held onto it.
At that moment, Tang Erda saw many different memories of Su Yang from past worldlines and for the first time in a while, he cried. Tang Erda sobbed loudly, unable to contain his tears as countless of memories flashed through his mind.
Those memories were all of Su Yang who always gazed at him lovingly with a warm smile, calling out to him in his soft voice, “Captain.”
Even when Su Yang was all bloodied, barely able to keep his eyes open as he laid stiffly on the ground, he still looked at him with the same gaze, same smile and same voice as he called out, “Captain.”
“Everything will be okay, Captain.”
“I believe in you, Captain.”
“You’re amazing as always, Captain.”
Su Yang was always there, reassuring him gently no matter what the situation was. Tang Erda felt immense guilt every time but yet, Su Yang had never once looked at him differently. It was always full of love, something that Tang Erda always thought that he was unworthy of.
Tang Erda was a failure, that was what he thought of himself as. Countless times, he had failed to protect Su Yang and finally just when he thought that Su Yang would be alright, he failed him yet again.
“Why?” Tang Erda asked himself. “Why must a person like you suffer?” He could never understand why.
With tears constantly streaming down his face, Tang Erda closed his eyes, unable to find the courage to look at the person he loved most as he pressed Su Yang’s cold palm against his cheek.
“I love you, Su Yang….” Tang Erda murmured unconsciously. He had long found out that he had loved Su Yang too but he never once confessed as it was something that was too hard for him to say. He wasn’t sure if the Su Yangs after the first worldline all felt the same and even if they did, Tang Erda felt too guilty to say or do anything.
As long as he could protect Su Yang then he was content with everything.
“I love you too, Captain.”
Tang Erda, who still had his eyes closed, thought that the voice was just a hallucination until he felt his face being cupped gently by someone.
“Don’t cry….” Su Yang softly muttered, letting his fingers gently wipe away Tang Erda’s tears. “I haven’t seen you cry like this for a long time.”
Tang Erda was frozen in place and couldn’t even bring himself to open his eyes. He just couldn’t find the courage to look at Su Yang in the face.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry….” He repeated those words over and over again. “I’m sorry that I’m such a failure…. I’ve failed you… so many times.” He muttered in between choked sobs. “Now, again… You…”
Tang Erda paused abruptly as he suddenly felt something soft and warm touch his lips. At that moment, he could no longer keep his eyes closed anymore and they were blown wide open from shock.
Right in front of him was Su Yang’s face as he pulled away from the kiss with a light smile.
“Everything is okay, Captain. I’m here now, aren’t I?”
“But….”
Su Yang shook his head.
“I’m happy, Captain. I’ve been wanting to hear those words from you for a very…. long time.”
That was when Tang Erda finally realised what he had said earlier. Stunned and frozen in place, Tang Erda blinked, letting the last of his tears flow.
“Su Yang….”
“You’re okay.” Su Yang whispered reassuringly, pulling Tang Erda into his embrace.
“What about you….?”
“I’m okay too, don’t worry. I just got my memories from the past worldlines back, that’s why I fainted.” After hearing that, Tang Erda’s stiff body slowly relaxed in Su Yang’s embrace. He felt as if the hole in his chest had finally been patched up.
Tang Erda let his eyes fall shut and wrapped his arms around Su Yang tightly.
“Yang Yang….”
“It’s been a while.” Su Yang laughed, his smile widening after hearing the nickname.
“A-Yang….” Tang Erda murmured and lifted his head up to look at Su Yang before closing the distance between them, letting his lips connect with Su Yang’s lips. “You’re back.” He whispered after pulling away from the kiss, face still only inches away from Su Yang’s.
“I’m back.” Su Yang responded, lightly bumping his forehead against Tang Erda’s. “And I won’t be going anywhere else anymore, I promise.”
At that moment, Tang Erda saw the window in front of him morphing into a door that was then opened by Su Yang who greeted him with a smile as he waved happily and called out, “Captain!”
Bonus:
Mu Sicheng’s gaze flickered intensely between Tang Erda’s and Su Yang’s intertwined hands with an eyebrow raised. “Um… Weren’t you married to a woman?” He asked and quickly earned a hard smack from Liu Jiayi who was standing next to him.
“Ow! What was that for?”
Liu Jiayi glared at him and shook her head as an indication for him to shut up.
“What? I still don’t get it though! He had a wife and a kid before—!”
Su Yang suddenly bursted out laughing while Tang Erda started to cough like crazy.
“That was the other worldline, you idiot! He’s still single in this one!”
“So…? What’s the difference?”
Liu Jiayi facepalmed herself in disbelief.
“I mean I did, but I mostly got married because I was trying to move on from Tang Erda.” Su Yang answered with a smile and added, “I may have loved others before but I will never love them as much as I love Tang Erda.”
It was true. In every single worldline, although Su Yang may have chosen someone else at one point, his first love had always been Tang Erda and Su Yang had never once stopped loving him.
Tang Erda silently looked away with his face flushed which caused Su Yang to laugh.
“You still can’t take affection properly?”
“No…. I just….” Tang Erda was clearly lying as he refused to look at Su Yang who continued to tease him relentlessly.
“Bleh….” Mu Sicheng cringed and suddenly regretted saying anything.
All of a sudden, the two couples who were previously teasing one another kissed.
Mu Sicheng, who had been doing the same thing with his own boyfriend Armand, “…”
Liu Jiayi, who had to always witness the adults flirting as a child, “…”
Mu Ke, who was an aroace person, “…”
Bai Liu, who had just walked into the room with Spades clinging onto him, “….?”