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A noisemaker was the first thing Elster heard as she awoke from her pod. Already, she regretted being awake, but she softened as she became more aware and saw Ariane standing outside her pod, face scrunched up as she smiled ear to ear with that horrendous thing in her mouth destroying her ears.
“Happy anniversary!”
Elster let herself down from her pod, Ariane moving to the side to make room. Elster turned to her, keeping herself as composed as possible, face unchanging. Her eyes shifted between Ariane and the vile creation she held her hand. “That is almost certainly contraband, Officer Yeong,” she said, deadpan, as she plucked it out of Ariane’s hand. “I’m afraid I’ll have to confiscate it on behalf of the Nation.”
“Oh, fuck off.”
Elster smiled and bent over to kiss Ariane, gently holding her shoulders as she did so. Ariane was a bit less patient and threw her arms around Elster’s neck, pulling her into it. They stayed like that for a moment before Elster pulled back, gently placing the device back between Ariane’s lips. She turned and walked away, stopping in the doorway, hesitant. “You’re sure about this? You really shouldn’t be awake right now.”
Ariane dropped the noisemaker into her hand and smiled at her. “Yes. If we can’t have days like this, then none of this is worth it.”
Elster wanted to disagree, her practical mind screaming at her that this was cutting an indeterminate amount of time off of Ariane’s life. But she couldn’t. She needed this as much as Ariane did. This was their reward for all they’d been through. She smiled softly, a little sadly. “Alright, but we’re keeping as many lights off as possible. We still need to conserve power.”
“Of course! Watching movies is more fun in the dark, anyway.”
Elster chuckled. She turned on her flashlight and made her way up the ladder to the upper deck. She reached the top, stopping once she did to lean down and aim her flashlight down the shaft, her hand outstretched, beckoning her up.
Even through the dark, Ariane’s smile was plain as day as she followed the light towards the ladder. Elster was stricken by the visual as she watched Ariane begin stepping up the ladder, bathed in light and framed by her long, white hair flowing behind her. She briefly thought how this was the exact sort of visage that Ariane would love to paint, but the thought was cut off by the crunchy, metallic groan of the ladder, causing Ariane to freeze. No movement, aside from the dust kicked up from the movement swirling through the air. She looked off to the side, then did a double take between the ladder and Elster.
Great. Something more to add to the ever-growing list of repairs. “I’ll check it out later,” Elster said, squashing herself prone and reaching her arm deeper into the hatch. “Come on, I’ve got you.”
Smiling, Ariane graciously reached up and took Elster’s wrist, grabbing tight. “My hero,” she giggled.
A light flush filled Elster’s cheeks as she locked her fingers around Ariane’s arm, hoisting her the rest of the way up the ladder. She braced her other arm under the small of Ariane’s back and propped her up, carefully, slowly. That she was dangerously close to dipping Ariane like in so many of their dances was not lost on her.
Ariane seemed to notice, too, loosening her grip and tracing her fingers up Elster’s wrist and into her hand, hooking their fingers together. This only fueled Elster’s desire to close the distance between them, leaving her little choice but to lean over Ariane, bending her back and scooping her the rest of the way up in one swift motion, drawing a yelp out of her their faces came enticingly close.
“I missed you,” Elster whispered.
“I did too.”
A bold response, seeing as she’d slept through most of that time, but Elster didn’t see fit to correct her as she closed what little gap remained between their lips, locking them in a deep kiss. Ariane wrapped her free arm behind Elster, pulling her closer still, fingers clutching into the grooves in Elster’s back. How long had it been since they last held each other like this?
Eventually, tragically, they broke the kiss, eye contact kept as Elster gently lifted Ariane back to her feet. Hand still firmly in hand, Elster guided Ariane through the door and into the stern hallway. “Watch your step,” she warned, scanning the floor for gaps with her light. It was still mostly intact, but that just made it easier to get careless.
Careless like making one’s way from cryo all the way to her maintenance pod in the dark, for instance. And after a long stay which would have certainly compromised one’s motor functions. She considered saying something, but couldn’t bring herself to douse Ariane’s excitement.
They arrived only for Elster to see many of the preparations already made, the small television set up in front of the bed, pillows fluffed up against the back of the wall, forming a little fort for them to cuddle in. Elster couldn’t help but notice it reminiscent of the island Ariane had painted so many times before. A safe haven for them amidst the storm. A pile of old movies lay strewn across the floor haphazardly.
“I figured we could pick some out together. Not any we haven’t seen a thousand times, but still.” Ariane slipped her hand free from Elster’s as she made her way towards the desk lamp.
The warmth from Ariane’s touch was already missed, though far more concerning was that for all of this to be set up already, Ariane would have had to wake herself even earlier than intended. More carelessness for the sake of a completely extraneous activity and a little bit of a wake-up surprise. Elster felt immediately guilty for being so judgmental towards such innocuous displays of affection, but she couldn’t really help it, either. It was her nature.
The lamp flicking on did little to alleviate her concerns. It was only now that she could see that Ariane’s skin had grown pale, and the frame under her dress had become thinner. Only slightly, though, perhaps due to strict rationing and not anything more serious. Yes, surely.
Ariane noticed Elster sizing her up as she approached the small ocean’s worth of films covering the floor. “I’m fine. All things considered.” Her voice cracked ever so slightly. “Come on, this is supposed to be a fun day!” She sat down next to the pile of movies and started looking through covers.
Elster clicked off her light and bent down next to her, remaining silent for now. She was definitely running a physical on Ariane when they were done. And triple checking the reactor shielding. For now this was, as Ariane said, time for fun, such as it was.
Ariane had already tossed a few movies to the side. “Hey, remember this one? That kitschy romance with the Imperial spy?”
“I try not to.”
Ariane placed one hand on her hip and the other behind her head, exaggeratingly swooning. “My love for you shines brighter than any Empress in the land!”
“Stop.”
“And you, my dearest Hector, infect my mind more than any Bioresonance ever could!”
Elster covered her hands over her face. “Please stop.”
“I think we should watch it again.”
Elster moaned an elongated, defeated “No,” into her hands as she fell onto her side.
Ariane clicked her tongue. “Fine, drama queen.” She dropped the atrocity behind her and continued looking. “You can help look too, you know.”
A hand reluctantly unfurled to reach out and start sifting through cassettes, not even bothering to sit up. In truth, Elster didn’t really care what they watched, this was more of an excuse to just be together for a short while. Still, she wanted something at least passable to watch. She picked up an old drama about the formation of the Nation and shoved it aside in disgust.
Ariane glanced down at the film Elster had rejected, a repulsed look covering her face. It seemed neither of them was feeling patriotic. She returned her attention to the films in her hands, her eyes widening as she set all but one of them down. “Oh my god, I completely forgot we had this!”
Her curiosity sufficiently piqued, Elster sat up cross-legged and leaned over to see what Ariane had found.
“It’s an old Imperial docu-drama about the effects of the Revolution on Eusan culture. I grabbed it from the Itou’s shop before I left.” She paused. “Under the table, obviously.”
“That,” Elster emphasized, “is definitely contraband, Officer Yeong.”
“Yeah, thanks,” Ariane chided as she shoved Elster’s face away. “What are you gonna do, report me to the Blockwarden?”
“I think I’ve already done that a few times.”
That got a significant blush out of Ariane. In the back of her mind, she was thankful to see some color back in her face. “Elster, please,” she laughed nervously, flipping the box over to read the back. “There’s definitely going to be some bits about Replikas and the war in here, so it might not be the best idea.”
Elster considered it for a moment, then replied, “I think we should watch it.”
Ariane looked over with concern. “Are you sure?”
Elster shrugged. “It’s something new. Persona degradation is bullshit, anyway.” They’d spent this long aboard the Penrose together, and while Elster certainly had her moments, Ariane was there to help ground her. If Elster hadn’t been reduced to a totally unreactive mess by now, they had to assume she never would be. Just another Nation lie to toss onto the pile.
“Alright, but if you fail the hand wave test even once, I’m switching it off, okay?”
“Sounds good.” Elster got up, holding her hand out to Ariane, who gladly took it. Once upon a time, she’d have been confused at the idea that someone could watch out for her wellbeing for reasons other than ensuring efficiency. She still had her days, but she’d come a long way from the obedient Replika who first stepped foot onto the Penrose.
Elster laid down on the bed as Ariane slipped the tape in. Ariane turned around once, but froze, turning around again to switch off the desk lamp. Spinning once more on her heel, she skipped over, hopping onto the bed and curling herself up, coiling around Elster’s free arm. She switched the film on, letting the dim light of the screen fill the room. As Ariane snuggled in, Elster pulled the blanket over the two of them.
The screen filled with bombastic title cards and tacky, orchestral music assaulted their senses. An overly-enthusiastic narration gave a summary of the upcoming topics, the creation of Replikas, the ways the Nation wielded it’s trickery for subterfuge and the Nation’s disownment of the Emprie’s vast history of art and architecture. It didn’t take very long at all for it to become obvious that this film was just as much propaganda as anything the Nation had churned out, but the Nation being on the butt-end of things at least made it refreshing. Plus, it was something new to watch, something they had long since given up finding again.
Granted, Elster wasn’t paying much attention to the film. She was far more focused on the lump of warmth she was curled around. She hadn’t noticed when she first got out of her pod, but she could feel the difference in Ariane’s arms. Things were finally starting to take their toll on them. Elster herself had already had to begin scavenging old parts to keep her own body in decent condition. But, those were thoughts for later. Now was hardly the appropriate time to bother Ariane about getting a medical check-up.
Ariane broke the silence. “I can’t believe it’s been four thousand cycles.”
“Yeah.”
Over two years now since they received their final mission from the Nation: to die. Condemned to a lonely death in the emptiness of space. The day after they celebrated their anniversary, no less. It had devastated them both, friction growing between them as they both had their resolves tested. Neither had it in the other to simply end the other, though, cursed as they were with the burden of love. Perhaps it was selfish to need each other so much that they could not even end one another’s suffering, but perhaps they’d also earned the right to be selfish after this long. It left them with the far slower option, however, and the thing with being consigned to a slow death was, well, it was slow. They knew it was looming there, waiting to claim them, but they’d still wake up, perform ship maintenance, log their supplies, do medical check-ups. Once the tears dried, despair made way for mundanity and boredom.
And, frankly, being sad all the time was exhausting. It simply wasn’t worth the effort to dwell on it. So here they were.
“They probably think we’re both dead by now.”
“Probably.”
“Well, we’re showing them.” Ariane announced proudly.
“Yes, they’d be very impressed you managed to dig up some low-budget Imperial documentary.” Elster shot back dryly.
Ariane gave an indignant huff. “They would be! God, they’d arrest you for walking on the wrong side of the street. Could probably get detained just for owning this.” She looked up at Elster. “That’s also not what I meant.”
Elster smiled and clutched Ariane tighter into her. “I know.”
Ariane nuzzled tighter into Elster’s embrace. “I’m proud of us.”
“So am I.”
“Hey Elster?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for being here with me.”
“Always.”
They turned their attention back to the film they were allegedly watching.
The narrator had moved on to the creation of Replikas, or ‘machine servants’, as the Empire called them, and the religious significance of Bioresonance and the advancements made possible due to its discovery. He covered the abridged version of the history of their machines, their roles in society as vessels of the Empress’ will, and the practice of condemning and shunning any who strayed too far from Her holy word. Elster already knew all this, though seeing real live footage was quite a bit different from simply seeing descriptions. She couldn’t help but think about how different, yet similar the treatment Replikas was there. They were important in that they were regarded as holy, enjoyed lavish lifestyles and acclaim, but only insomuch as they remained as faithful servants. The room filled with light as the golden adornments of a machine servant’s living quarters were shown, and Elster could only think of how much had to be given up to live like that. A gilded cage was still a cage, and even that would be taken away at the first sign of disobedience.
The program shifted focus to the Nation’s Replikas. Predictably for a puff piece, it held little back when describing how inferior Nation Replikas were. Particular malice was leveled at the FLKR units and their depiction of the Great Revolutionary, how the Nation made mockeries of its own leaders with soulless simulacrums. Elster held no love for the Nation, but even she found the defamation harsh. Though, that was more due to the colorful descriptions of Replikas than anything else.
Elster had certainly come a long way in reconciling her insecurities, but such intense bombardments were still quite good at picking open old wounds. Under normal circumstances, she’d consider voicing her discomfort to Ariane, but they had precious little time together as it was.
Unfortunately, Ariane knew her tells by now. A hand waved in front of her, poking out from under the blanket, prompting her to squeeze Ariane lightly in acknowledgement. Ariane squeezed tighter in return, retreating to the warmth of the blanket and wrapping her hand back around Elster. The wordless agreement fulfilled, they continued watching.
Thankfully, the next segment contained some lighter fare. Breakdowns of Nation spacecraft, the various military and space programs, real or otherwise, that they’d funded over the years. They were able to get some good laughs out of some of the more exaggerated claims, especially once they started talking about the Penrose program. Elster was pretty sure she’d never heard Ariane laugh as hard as when they portrayed the program as part of an insidious plot to surround the Empire with jamming drones scattered throughout the outer system.
“I didn’t get that in my briefing! Did you?”
Elster tried to stay silent, but couldn’t help but let out a laugh of her own. “Nope.”
“The Empire better watch out, we’re gonna come for them in their sleep with our piles of old books and a disassembled coffee maker.”
“I’m pretty sure that coffee maker is the only thing keeping the medical bay operational.”
Ariane snorted. “Great, it didn’t work right anyway.”
Elster rested her head on Ariane’s, rubbing her hand under the covers. The documentary described the Penrose craft more in depth, giving particular focus to the cheap nature of the materials used for them, as well as the unstable model of reactor used in their construction. Elster had a begrudgingly close relationship with the design of the ship at this point, and the film’s claims were startlingly close to the truth. She wondered how the Empire managed to get ahold of such specifications, but an uncomfortable squirming underneath her interrupted that train of thought. She wrapped herself tighter around the frail thing beneath her, bringing her hand to Ariane’s shoulder and kneading circles into it with her thumb.
“I don’t regret it, you know.”
Elster glanced down. “Hm?”
“Coming out here. Taking the Penrose mission.” She gave a sad smile. “I know things are rough. And they’re probably going to get worse. But the time we’ve had together? Even just doing stuff like this?” She shifted back so she could look up at Elster in the eyes. “It’s worth it. The best years of my life have been out here with you.” She reached up to cup Elster’s cheek, coaxing her to lean into it, which she happily obliged. “I would’ve just ended up stationed on Leng in some prison outpost. Miserable. Alone.” She looked down solemnly for a moment. “Out here, I’m free. Free to express myself, away from their fucking cameras.” A tinge of anger slipped through, but it dissipated quickly. Her eyes came back up to meet Elster’s. “Free to love who I want to.”
Elster leaned closer into Ariane’s touch. “Nobody to tell me my life has a set end-date.”
“Right!” The two lovers wove their fingers together, leaning into each other so their foreheads touched. “Even knowing what’ll happen… I’d choose this again. Even knowing…” She froze, only briefly, eyes flickering. A small crack in her composure, but a crack nonetheless. ”Even knowing we’d be left to die. It’s the only way I get to have you in my life.” She winced, leaning back. “But that’s selfish, isn’t it? Now I’m speaking for you. You don’t deserve to go through this.”
Elster squeezed Ariane’s hand tight. “I’d choose this, too. This is the only place I feel like a real person.”
“A real person.” Ariane echoed.
“It still feels odd, sometimes. Surreal.”
It was Ariane’s turn to squeeze her hand tight. “Is this because of the movie?”
Elster considered it for a moment, and found no point in lying. “Could be. It still happens from time to time, regardless.”
Ariane’s eyes narrowed. “You could have said something.”
“I didn’t want to interrupt the movie.”
“You don’t have to keep putting a brave face up all the time. We have other things to watch.”
“I know.” Elster shifted a little bit, still easily flustered when under Ariane’s scrutiny. “But it’s easier to deal with now. It’s not nearly as debilitating as it used to be.”
Ariane’s expression softened. “But it still hurts.”
“It does.” Elster admitted. “I think it always will. I can manage it now, thanks to you.” She paused, contemplating how she wanted to word this. Where normally she would feel more inclined to keep such things to herself, the chances she had to open up were sparse, now. She had to make the most of these moments. “Do you remember when it first started?”
“Of course I do,” said Ariane, the pain plain in her voice. “You would stare out the observatory window for hours.”
“I was scared. For a long time, I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know if I even was anyone.” A hand rose to gently rub Ariane’s cheek. “And you were there to tell me that I was, over and over again.”
Ariane blinked, a smile making its way to her face. She pulled herself in closer. “You are a real person, Elster.”
“What?”
“You said you felt like a real person.” Propping herself up on her arms, Ariane rose to Elster’s level, her eyes firm, her words adamant. “You’re real. You’re a real person. You’re you . You’re Elster.” Ariane leaned forward, coiling her arms around Elster as tightly as she could, as if she’d lose her if she ever let go. “My Elster,” she whispered, burying herself in the crook of Elster’s neck.
A pause, considering the correction. Elster hadn’t really thought about how that wording came across, but in hindsight, it was easy to see why Ariane was concerned, especially factoring in past relapses. “You’re right.”
“I want you to say it.” A request, not a demand.
“I’m Elster. I’m your Elster.”
She received a gentle squeeze in acknowledgement.
Elster supposed that, for as far as she had come, for all the clarity she’d gained, she still had a long way to go. And Ariane was right here to help her. “Thank you, Ariane.”
Ariane smiled. “You’re welcome.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Elster.”
The two stayed like that for a short while, Elster brushing her hand through Ariane’s hair. It occurred to her, as she actually paid attention to the screen again, that they had simply left the film playing. The film was showing galleries of portraits featuring Imperial royalty, and she felt a sudden pang of guilt. ”Do you want to go back?”
“Don’t worry about it. It gives us something to look forward to next time.”
Next time. She was already planning for next time. “Alright.”
Ariane smiled, then leaned in for a quick kiss before snuggling back against Elster beneath the blanket.
The film continued on, showing lavish hallways of Imperial mansions. Golden trim adorned the walls, the ceilings covered in religious art and bordered by stylized, swirling flowers. Elster looked down to find Ariane’s eyes were wide, face glowing in the radiant light of the screen.
Radiant. That was a good word to describe her.
An errant thought made its way to Elster’s head. The thought that, perhaps, Ariane was holding in more than she let on, that she was hesitant to rewind even a small portion of their film for fear of costing them more of their valuable time. She continued to watch Ariane’s face, fixated on buildings she’d never walk through, portraits she’d never get to see. Never get to learn about their painters, the meanings behind their strokes. Soaking in every little detail she possibly could of a far off place she would never get to visit. Seeing her so enamored was intoxicating, a reminder of just how much she loved her.
The radiance turned to a red glow as the scene shifted to the Nation. Unapproved materials being thrown into piles and burned. Books, cassettes, paintings, even toys and figurines all reduced to fuel for a blinding display of the Nation’s control. Elster could feel the rage bubbling up from the frail woman beneath her, and if she didn’t know any better, she’d swear the screen wasn’t the only source of glowing light in the room.
“All of it is just gone.” Ariane sprung up with a vigor Elster hadn’t seen in a long time. “Are you seeing this?” Ariane pointed at the screen. “These fucking —They have no respect at all for—god, imagine if I’d actually stayed! If someone took one of my paintings away and threw it in a fire, I’d walk right up to them and push them in! I’d have been shot years ago!”
Elster slid her hand around Ariane’s arm and offered a gentle rub.
“Those are pieces of people’s lives they’re throwing away! They’re-ugh!” she huffed, sliding back into Elster’s lap, her arms crossed. Elster continued stroking her arm.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” Inhale, exhale. “Sorry. I just...I can’t stand it. I know this is propaganda, but the footage is real. I remember it happening on Rotfront. I remember being so terrified, having to hide my own paints under my floorboards.” Ariane shivered from fear and anger equally. “Anything to keep me from being myself.”
Seeing Ariane like this was always hard for Elster. Harder still was how little she could do other than simply listen and offer comfort. Maybe that was enough.
Ariane turned back to the television and deftly propped herself back up, “Well, who’s laughing now, assholes? I’m all the way out here where I can paint whatever the fuck I want, and I’ve got a beautiful girlfriend, and we’re still alive, and we’re in love and we’re happy!”
“Is that what you call this?” Elster jabbed, aiming to ease the tension.
Elster got a pillow to the face for her trouble. “Don’t you start!” she said, laughing. Elster laughed too, pleased with herself as she set the pillow down. Ariane settled back into her comfortable space under Elster’s arms and glanced away, her arms still crossed and a hint of red in her face. “Fuck the Nation,” she huffed, the last bit of venom dripping out.
“Fuck the Nation.” Elster repeated.
A few moments passed before Ariane let out a string of coughs. Elster patted her back, leaning over her. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.”
An unconvincing argument. “We’ll run a check on your vitals before you go back into cryo.”
The silence lasted just a bit too long before Ariane replied. “Alright.” She shifted a bit. “Thank you, Elster.”
“No problem.”
Ariane pressed her head up against Elster’s chest and looked up at her, smiling. Elster smiled back.
The two settled into a comfortable silence as the film continued without much fanfare. There were a few noteworthy things left, like getting to see Imperial cities, but the the bulk of the documentary was over.
Soon enough, the credits rolled, and Ariane shifted out of the bed to flick the desk lamp back on, the sudden burst of light briefly blinding Elster. “Well, that was something,” she said as she slid the cassette out of the television. “They got a lot wrong, obviously, but it hit a bit closer to home than I expected. Maybe all those rumors about spies weren’t just rumors.”
Elster wasn’t the only one to notice that, it seemed. She scooched forward and sat up on the edge of the bed. “Yeah, the bit with the Penrose was a bit too on the mark.” In more ways than one, but she didn’t voice that. “I should know. I might cross-reference the schematics later.” As if she had absolutely nothing better to do. She couldn’t deny that she was curious, though.
An incredulous laugh came from across the room. “Yeah, what, we gonna catch ourselves a spy now?”
“More like join them.”
“Pfft,” she snickered. “Just a couple of runaways escaping to the Empire, huh?”
“Art seems to be more accepted there. Expression in general,” she paused, voice catching more than she’d like. “For Gestalts, at least.”
Ariane winced. “Yeah. Honestly, it seemed even worse there for Replikas than the Nation.”
A pause. “Yeah…”
“Hey.” Ariane was on Elster like a hawk, already bent over by the bed and gently cupping Elster’s face. “Like I said, they got a lot wrong. And I don’t just mean the movie.” She tilted ever so gently to ensure Elster was looking right at her. “If they can’t appreciate you, that’s their loss.” She smirked a little. “More of you for me, anyway.”
Elster gave a small smile as Ariane stood back up. “Still. I wonder how your paintings would be received there.” She got up off the bed and bent down to start collecting the unwatched films off the ground. “You’d probably end up celebrity as a Nation defector.”
Ariane gave a hard laugh as she helped gather up films. “Yeah, and paint a target on my own back? No thanks.” She paused for a second. “You really think I’d be good enough for an exhibit?”
Elster shrugged. “I don’t see why not.”
Ariane blushed and set the films on the desk by the television, stopping for a moment. “My own exhibit…” It felt odd, now, to be dreaming about the future. But the future was built on dreams. Who knew what it held in store for them? They could certainly be spending their time in worse ways than hoping for something better.
Ariane turned back to Elster. “Thanks for this. It got a bit…” she trailed. “Heavier than I expected? But it was still a lot of fun! It was nice to just be able to…exist, for a little while, you know?”
Elster nodded, a small smile making its way to her face.
“I hope you enjoyed yourself too.”
“I did.” And it wasn’t a lie.
Her smile widened. “Well, I’m going to go take a shower before I go back into cryo.” Before Elster could voice any disagreement, she continued. “It has been months , I am going nowhere near that thing until I’ve gotten cleaned up.”
Elster saw no point in arguing. They’d just blown an indeterminate amount of power and time on watching some decade old Imperial schlock, they weren’t exactly being thrifty today. Elster nodded. “I’ll meet you at medical before we put you back in.”
“Right.”
“And don’t forget that the shower only has cold water now.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Ariane sighed, but then smiled. “Hey, let’s not wait to hit five thousand cycles to do this again?”
Elster smiled. “Yeah.”
And with that, Ariane planted a small peck on Elster’s cheek, grabbed a towel from the side of the room and stepped into the restroom.
The muffled sound of rushing water was the only company to Elster for now, leaving her thoughts to fester. She needed something to distract herself while she waited. Thankfully, she recalled her intent to check the reactor. Not exactly top of her list of tasks she wanted to be doing, but it needed doing nonetheless, so she pulled herself out of her own head and pulled herself up. She toggled her flashlight on as she crossed the deck hall, paying conscious attention to her step, and clicked on her Geiger counter as she stepped inside the reactor room.
The reactor itself seemed to be working just fine at a glance, albeit tuned lower than normal to try and reduce the amount of strain on it. The shielding, on the other hand, had begun failing. It was still doing its job in preventing a major leak, but to say it was doing that job particularly well would be very, very generous. They’d both been exposed to more than what would be considered a healthy amount of radiation by a reasonable metric by now, and it was plainly obvious looking at Ariane. Elster would have to divert more parts to this if she wanted to have any chance at slowing things down.
A low hiss from up above caught her ear. Elster tilted the light up to reveal a cracked cooling pipe. That was no good. It was still holding for now, only the start of real damage, but it would need replaced within the next few cycles to ensure cooling remained stable. Which meant either finding some more extraneous materials to repair it, or further cannibalizing the water supply system. Specifically, the shower, which she knew Ariane would hate, but it was better than the alternative. She wondered, too, how long her own body would hold out, especially with her needing to be in such close proximity to the reactor, but she could only do so much.
She sighed. This was going to take time to fix. And time, as it turns out, was at a premium for both of them, now. She cursed herself for not checking this sooner, letting herself get talked into frivolities. How easily she had agreed to these unnecessary respites sandwiched between medical check-ups and ship repairs. How easy it was to say they’ll throw caution to the wind and celebrate, what, five thousand cycles together? Ariane talked as if them making it that long was a given, like it was just a matter of impatience and not the possibility that they might not make it to a fifth anniversary.
But Ariane’s words began to echo in her head.
If we can’t have days like this, then none of this is worth it.
Elster, ever the practically minded, wanted to disagree, wanted desperately to just tell Ariane that things were too much now, and that more permanent residence in cryo-stasis would be necessary if there were any remote hope of surviving this. But she knew, too, how pointless that was. Their chances were already slim to none, and they were more than likely just dragging out the long, painful road to the inevitable.
So what, then, was the point?
The point was seeing Ariane laugh, the glow in her face, the joy in her eyes.
The point was seeing her passion, her rage, her despair, being there to share all of it, good and bad.
The point was living free, as someone true to themselves, a lover, a fighter, a real person and not a machine.
The point was being together, as they had promised each other so long ago.
Elster looked back up at the pipe, still stable, still functional. She’d need to take some time to tally up their supplies and determine the best way to handle it. Maybe there were some spare pipes amidst all the other junk that had broken down that could be of use. In any case, this was an issue for later. Elster had more important things to do.
She walked out of the reactor room and made her way back to Ariane’s bedroom. Silently as she could, she stepped into the doorway, the sound of running water silent now. This had to be quick. She scanned the floor for a particular film, something she knew was sure to lift Ariane’s spirits. Her eyes settling on her target, she knelt down and plucked it up, flipping it once, twice, just to be sure. Now all that was left was to sit and wait, so she sat herself down on the bed, tucking the film safely under the blanket behind her, then folding her hands on her lap.
Soon enough, the door slid open, Ariane stepping in with one towel wrapped around her and another wrapped around her hair. She saw Elster and her eyes glowed. “Oh! You’re still here?” A light blush took to her face, still somehow flustered after all this time together. “Just give me a few minutes and I’ll be at medical.”
“Actually,” Elster started, her fingers scrunching up in her lap, disbelieving what she was about to do. She should be getting Ariane treatment, getting her safely into cryo and taking care of the reactor right now. Instead, she was doing this. “I think we can afford to watch another movie. If you want.”
Ariane blinked, shocked that Elster, of all people, was suggesting this. “Are you sure? I know we can’t be too wasteful.”
Too wasteful, as if any measure of wasteful was okay. Maybe it was. “As long as we’re making poor decisions, we might as well commit.” She patted the bed next to her. “We can watch that horrible drama.”
Elster looked back over to see Ariane’s eyes glow with an indescribable energy. Ariane arched her back, one hand going to her hip and the other to her still-towel-wrapped-hair, tilting her head back and banging the towel into the doorway. “Oh Elster, light of my life! Darling of my dreams! You’ve made me the happiest woman alive!”
What had Elster just done? “Ariane.”
Ariane brushed up and down the doorway exaggeratingly, tugging at the front of her towel. “Why, however shall I repay you, my maiden who not even the Empress could hope to match in raw beauty?”
“No.”
Ariane clutched at her chest as if she’d been shot. “Oh! Rejection! By my dearest bride, the Empress as my witness, never has such heartbreak been felt ‘afore!” She held her hand to her head as she ‘fainted’ against the wall of the room.
Try as she might to deny it, Elster was loving this. Seeing Ariane happy was always worth it. She might as well play along, in her own way. She rose up from the bed stiffly. “Officer Yeong, it appears that you have become delusional. For your own safety, I will be escorting you to the medical bay for immediate treatment. Safety of the Gestalt is of top prior—oof!”
“Nope!” Ariane interrupted Elster as she shoved her back onto the bed. “No take backs! We are doing this.”
Elster laughed. It was, surprisingly, not forced. “Only one,” she reminded.
Ariane bent down in front of Elster. “Oh, don’t worry,” she said, leaning in close. “One is all I’ll need—“ and just like that, the moment was ruined by the massive towel on Ariane’s head catching on the top of the bunk. “Dammit, give me a minute.”
Ariane walked over to her drawer to get dressed, not paying Elster any heed because at this point, they had no secrets between them. Elster let her thoughts drift, reminiscing on much they had both been through. A decade of longing, of insecurity, of comfort, of fear, of breakdowns and building each other back up. Years spent coaxing Ariane out of her shell, learning of her grief, of the abuse she suffered, and eventually overcame, finally being able to express her real self. She’d hardly had the confidence to share her love for art when they first met, and now she dared to dream of sharing that art with the world.
For her part, Elster had been known nothing but indifference, her work and station defining her. The first couple of years aboard the Penrose had been spent with minimal contact beyond mandatory check-ins. What began as a formal concern for Ariane grew into genuine curiosity about her as a person, and then curiosity about Elster’s own identity. Only through many internal wars with memories that were not her own did Elster satisfy that curiosity, sifting through it all to finally realize that she was someone all along.
All of that, only to receive that final transmission consigning them to death. A consignment that had yet to come to pass, because despite it all, they were both still here. And not merely surviving, but thriving, living, loving. Things were hard, and hope of their situation ever changing was slim. But that was okay. Because they were still here. Against all odds, they were still here, alive, watching bad movies together.
Ariane walked back over, dressed now, and started to sort through the tapes on the desk. Elster got up and stepped over slowly, taking the sight in for a moment before tapping Ariane’s shoulder. Ariane turned around to see Elster holding out the film to her, smiling. Ariane looked down at it, then back up at Elster, beaming, and squished her cheeks together, planting a quick peck on the lips. She grabbed the tape and excitedly slid it out of its case and into the player. She flicked the desk lamp back off and grabbed Elster’s hand, hauling her over to the bed.
Elster couldn’t help but laugh, watching her precious Ariane so bubbly and full of joy. She climbed into the bed quickly as she could as the one next to her was bouncing in place. Waiting a second longer just to tease, she looked up and patted the empty spot in front of her, which didn’t stay empty for long as Ariane flung herself backwards into her hard enough to shake the whole bed.
“Ready?” Ariane asked.
Elster smiled at her. “Yeah.”
Ariane grinned and started the film, letting the room fill once more with the dim light of the screen. She grabbed the blanket and brought it over the two of them, best as she could as the little spoon anyway, handing the blanket off to Elster to finish cocooning them both.
There were many things left for Elster to do. Tomorrow, she’d have a pipe to fix, parts to tally up, life support to check. More busywork. Ariane’s condition would need constant care to keep on top of, and longer stints in cryo would be necessary. Tomorrow, Elster would be alone again. She wouldn’t see Ariane again for at least a month.
But she had her now. She was right here, cuddled underneath the blankets, watching an awful movie with her. She could feel the closeness, the warmth, see the light in her eyes. For the first time in a good long while, Elster felt content. She didn’t have much, but what she did have was priceless.
So, Elster let tomorrow’s problems slip from her mind. Today, she had everything she needed, and that made tomorrow’s hardships worth weathering. They would be each other’s shield against the despair, and they’d find laughter and joy in spite of the tragedy that threatened to swallow them up. Even here, during their darkest of times, dancing so precariously on the edge, they persevered, ever forward on the promise of good days to come.
And today was a good day.