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Erwin Smith was consumed by an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Would he someday understand the world around him? If he were being completely honest, he didn't think so. It seemed impossibly big and complicated. But his father was always the one who said he was an incredibly capable kid.
Son, you have an innate curiosity about the things in this world. No matter how difficult, hard, or hurtful they can be. You have something special, and not just because you're my son. I believe you will discover the truth behind this enormous lie someday.
You can.
Erwin thinks he may be able to. Time was a constant worry in the corner of his mind. There simply wasn't enough time. It slips through his fingers like dust. He just can't let it go. He-
“Blondie, that was it?" Levi exclaims as he leaves the mountain of papers on the desk. His voice immediately pulls Erwin out of his thoughts.
"Uh, yeah. You're dismissed for the day," he answered, clearing his throat and glancing at the things Levi had written.
"I'm going to clean this filthy floor," Levi announces, even though Erwin doesn't necessarily have to know that.
That was the remarkable thing about Levi. He says something and does it, no matter if it's about killing three titans in a row or making chamomile tea at 2 am. Levi carries with him an immense will and self-confidence that can sometimes be taken for impulsiveness or bravery. Erwin asks himself tons of questions, but Levi was possibly one of the biggest ones.
Even though the little one is quite distracting with the sounds he makes while he is mopping the floor, Erwin still manages to focus on Levi's writing. It had been a messy, troubling typography. Some months ago, they started to give things to each other. The best thing Erwin knows how to give is knowledge. So, they sat down in front of the Commander's desk and began to learn the entire alphabet.
Erwin managed to get Levi to write his name over and over again. Then they started with random words, words that Levi wanted to know the meanings of. Words like "subsequent," "ravenous," and "chilling" were not written effortlessly on the first pages. Then the time came, and Erwin began to revisit his old books. Books about mountains, forests, noble individuals wielding swords. Levi looked at the archaic illustrations with a strange brightness in his eyes. Erwin wasn't oblivious to the things he started to realize about Levi, and that was one of them. Levi also felt a fascination for new things. The things that make you tremble with excitement, even if you don't know about them yet.
By the time Levi finished putting everything in place, Erwin was about to finish just one of his three tasks. Shadis left a mess in the Survey Corps that was reflected on paperwork. Levi looked at him with a strange expression of boredom and concern.
"Are you planning to stay here all night?"
That, of course, wasn't the correct way to refer to your superior officer. Erwin realized a long time ago that they were more than that to each other.
"Not all night, but a great part of it, I'm afraid," Erwin said, taking some papers from under the desk. "If you see Hange on your way, can you please give them this?"
Levi takes the papers and tucks them under his arm. "Sure, I just have to follow that shitty smell and I'm sure I'll find them."
"Thank you," Erwin smiles effortlessly. Levi remains silent and leaves the office without uttering another word.
Later that night, Erwin rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand as Levi entered the office without knocking. He carries a tray with something that smells like soup, along with a glass of water and a jar. There is also a small cup with green liquid inside. Erwin looks up at him with an open expression, a result of the stress and tiredness. Then, something weird happened. Levi looks doubtful.
"You need to eat something," he says, after a few seconds of placing everything on the desk. "Or you'll die."
Erwin can't help the way the laughter escapes through his nose, sounding like he snorted. Levi, in his own way, looks terrified. Erwin's ultimate intention was to make him feel ridiculed.
“This is very thoughtful of you, Levi.” Erwin says as the other looks at his side and then at the tray he was holding in his hands. "I assume you already ate, right?"
"It's nothing," Levi huffs, and then takes a step back. "The tea will help you sleep."
Levi doesn't need to do those things, of course. His duty stops when night arrives, after he has already trained, cleaned his own property, and assisted in completing military tasks. He doesn't have the obligation to sit at Erwin's desk, trying to transcribe some silly words and read silly tales about magic and most probably nonexistent people. Levi doesn't need to bring him food or inquire about his day or his new ideas, review the maps, or provide his thoughts on the upcoming missions. But he just does it because he wants to, and Erwin would not stop him, even if some part of his mind feels guilty for giving him more tasks than necessary. It's really nothing, Erwin. He says, with that curious accent and pronunciation of his. I don't mind cleaning your mess.
Days go by, and while everything felt stagnant for a moment, Hange bursts through the door with enthusiasm, causing Levi, who is currently seated in front of the desk, to curse without any restraint. Erwin lets them in and realizes that Hange had come with their assistant, Moblit Berner. Moblit was a nervous guy with a unique ability to handle Hange Zoe, who is like an earthquake of energy and scientific enthusiasm.
"Do you know what, Erwin? All those nights of research have finally yielded results! And Moblit was the one who saw it!"
Hange places a large paper on the desk, detailing the correlation between the quantity of titans found in each expedition and the weather. Basically, there was a lower probability of finding a titan in cold weather than in warm weather. Also, the nights were considerably quieter and calmer than the day. That could be helpful for selecting expedition dates. Meanwhile Levi was looking thoughtfully at the maps and explanations.
When Hange left, not without talking enthusiastically to Levi, that was when he decided to start asking questions about math. So, Erwin took on the task of teaching Levi the basics, including arithmetic and a little bit of algebra. He was skilled at making people learn, and Levi regarded it as a disgusting talent that made him enjoy learning new things witouth feeling stupid. It made him feel warm inside, of course, knowing that his father was still with him in some way. Such a silly thing to feel.
Levi makes him feel foolish emotions, and that was another aspect of the significant question that defined him.
"So... today, we are going to write questions. We start by putting the verb first, which in this case is 'do,' and then the pronoun, the words 'I,' 'you,' and 'they'." We can ask lots of questions using why, when, or how. When you finish, you put this mark at the very end." He draws the question mark on the paper, and Levi looks at it without any expression.
"So, it would be like..." Levi starts, holding his pen in his characteristic manner, and begins to write a simple question: "Why do I have to do this?"
"That's correct, yeah," Erwin says, looking at how the hand moves across the paper. Levi does things with a certain amount of fierceness, but that must just be his nature. The paper on which he writes is always slightly wrinkled, and the pens have small scratches on their tips. When Erwin went behind Levi to see what he wrote, he can clearly see how much he had improved his typography.
Why do my mother died?
"In this one," Erwin clears his throat, "you must change the tense of 'do'. It would be 'did', because it is in the past."
"Tch," Levi says, and then puts a big X over the word. He writes the correct one above. "I'm not going to write that again, anyway. "I already know why."
Erwin can be very diplomatic at times, but his inquisitive nature, and even worse, his curiosity about Levi, is what commonly drives him in these types of situations.
"Is that so?" he asks, as if he were more interested in reading the next sentences.
"Ma was a sex worker," Levi keeps writing distractedly. Erwin can't say if he's talking to distract himself or if he's talking for the same reason, "She caught something dirty from one of those pigs."
Erwin hums, and now he notices that Levi is sitting in an awkward position while he writes. He put all of his effort into it. Levi continues writing as if he hadn't spoken, and Erwin is pleased to assist him through other questions. Others are less harmful.
Levi made a mistake. Still, he spoke without regret.
"I saw you die out there."
There was flesh and blood. Everyone tried to remain calm and observe what was happening with all those titans around, but they ignored the brains on the ground and the intestines hanging from a tree branch. The forgotten organs pulsated without an owner or purpose. Levi had witnessed the blond boy being held in the titan's hand, but his legs had been severed by the immense power of the colossal fist. Only a trickle of blood and veins remained, dripping onto the grass. Levi wanted to scream, but he couldn't. When he killed the creature, he noticed that the cloak was distinct; its button-down shirt was white instead of gray, and its eyes, wide open and fixed on the sky, had brown irises instead of blue.
"I couldn't stop and broke formation. More people could have died because of that."
"Then you understand. That's good."
Levi didn't speak. Maybe it was because of the humiliation he felt at that moment, realizing how irrational his actions were.
"Even if you had arrived on time with the titan, the guy in question would have died anyway. I mean, he was dead when you saw him, right?"
From the middle of his body hung a thread of blood, veins, and flesh. Even if he arrive in time, the guy was already dead.
"Is that so, Levi?"
Erwin's voice softened, and he didn't seem to like that. Levi didn't know what to expect. He nodded slowly, his gaze fixed elsewhere. Erwin would have died anyway. Levi would have witnessed the same scene, but his unfocused blue eyes were fixed on the sky. You can't go back to the battlefield for a corpse if it means putting yourself in danger, they said in the few classes Levi attended. He understood it; it sounded logical. Why would anyone insistently come back for a shell, anyway?
"That was insubordination. I'm afraid this warrants some sort of reprimand."
"Well, speak then."
"One hundred push-ups. One hundred sit-ups. Wearing the full uniform and without rest. If you stop, you have to start again. Now."
"Child's work."
"Keep your mouth shut unless you want to stay here all night."
Levi gave him a reproachful look before prostrating himself on the ground. Experience and years of hard work have enabled him to maintain a steady pace from the start. Erwin noticed his forehead covered in sweat and his face filled with agitation, even though Levi always appeared impassive to those who didn't know him. He leaned against the desk, smoking slowly, without taking his eyes off the man. He was counting in his mind, even though he knew that Levi was doing the same. It wasn't that Levi was going to cheat, but rather that he needed to find a way to distract himself from lingering his gaze in inappropriate places.
Levi was the most valuable weapon, the most loyal soldier, the most determined killer, and he was much more than all of that. Levi was warm-hearted and empathetic. Levi was too much for the world. Erwin couldn't allow himself to be consumed by such absurd weakness. What would happen to him if he disappointed Levi by revealing that he wasn't the selfless person he had portrayed himself to be for all those years?
Eighty-seven, eighty-eight...
He still hadn't finished the push-ups, but a small droplet of sweat fell to the ground. Erwin imagined how disgusted Levi would be afterward. He would bet that he would start cleaning up his own mess without caring that just a second before he had been punished.
He stood up and started doing squats. Their eyes met throughout the entire punishment. Levi was insistent, and his stoic expression was the reason Erwin didn't allow himself to look away. That would simply imply something else. Levi concluded the supposed punishment with an ironic gesture, placing his hand on his heart.
"You can clean the floor now, Levi." Erwin knew exactly what he wanted to do. "And thank you for caring about me."
Levi was about to leave, his shoulders tense and his cheeks rosy. He looked at Erwin and turned around, his back facing him.
"I trust you." He responded, with one hand on the doorknob. "You can't die."
"So, how's the little man?"
Erwin glanced up from the inside of his coffee cup to meet Hange's gaze. Hange was joining him for lunch that day. The recruits were out in the field, training hard. Levi was among them, but he always seemed to be the one teaching rather than being the student. Erwin frequently received reports of persistent and sometimes disrespectful questioning.
"You wouldn't see the light of day if he heard you say that." Erwin snorted before taking a long, contemplative sip.
"He's usually scary, but I think I'm getting used to it." Hange, the person who lived among Titans as if they were friends. He wasn't surprised. "He may be a bit rough around the edges, but he's a fascinating individual. Well, I think you already know that."
"Why do you assume that?"
"Huh? Aren't you the one who was teaching him how to write?"
Erwin carefully considered his next words. It wasn't appropriate to suggest that he had any preference for Levi.
"That was an agreement. He was assisting me with additional tasks, and I am aware that he didn't have the chance to receive a proper education."
"Yeah, yeah, sure. But he's told you things, hasn't he? From all the time he spends in your office, I'd think you guys were some kind of… friends?"
"I don't think Levi has classified me in such a personal way." Erwin thought about Levi's mother, dying in a brothel, Levi's nonchalant tone as he recounted the story, as if it were just another mundane report on tedious meetings with the consuls.
"Oh, come on, Erwin. He tried to rescue a body that he thought was yours. He has some trust in you."
He saw me die but came back for me. Or for what was left of me. Without thinking and without hesitation, he broke the entire formation. Erwin wasn't underestimating how dangerous the situation was.
"I spoke to him about it, yes. He received a punishment. I thanked him."
Hange looked at him with inquisitive eyes. They can be bubbly and noisy, but also had the ability to observe and question things. Erwin considered them brilliant despite the strange smell that surrounded them, their hair pulled back in a messy ponytail that seemed ready to unravel, and their tendency to speak to him in a friendly manner even during serious military situations.
"And you don't feel anything?"
"What do you mean?"
"Huh, I don't know. I mean, some kind of friendship or affection. Levi wouldn't do something like that just because you're teaching him how to write for an agreement."
"I don't see where this is going."
Hange seemed to back away.
"Yeah, of course," Erwin didn't believe their apparent agreement. "Moblit is waiting for me in the lab. I'll bring you the report later!"
Erwin was a pragmatic man, but when faced with a question as significant as Levi, how would he determine the optimal choice?
Erwin thought about the feel of his hands, the curve of his bottom lip, the way he moved around his office as if it belonged to him and the way it didn't bother Erwin in the slightest. Levi liked to get on his nerves, although lately his tendency was to keep him company in silence. Erwin knew too many things about him now and there was no way to go back. It wasn't that he wanted to either. If I see him, I will know the answer, he thought, and wondered if it was worth feeling regret after all.
"Levi."
Erwin waved his hand. Levi placed the equipment on the table and positioned the brush and bottle of lubricant beside it. He planned to come back later to finish cleaning. Erwin had peculiar attitudes, so he hoped that conversing with him would provide him with some hints.
Levi followed Erwin into the office. The light from the window blinded him for a moment because the curtains were open. He suddenly felt the door close behind him and saw Erwin lunging at him. He leaned against the door, supporting his weight with his forearms, so Levi's eyes were level with his shirt.
"Erwin, what the hell are you doing?"
The tall man inhaled deeply and slowly, as if he were bracing himself for a torrent of emotions that was about to engulf him. Levi learned to be patient with him over time. He meant his words for a good reason.
"I think… I think we shouldn't cross that line."
Erwin pulled away from him slightly, giving Levi the opportunity to look up. Erwin slightly removed the curtain of black hair that fell over his forehead.
"We're not getting married."
"I... I know." Erwin sighed "Is just… I'm going to die someday, Levi... And I've put too much on you.” His hand was made a fist, just above his head. Levi suddenly pushed himself up, grabbing him by the neck with both hands. Their lips connected in a kiss that implored, that asked for time to stop. Erwin caressed his round cheek as he felt the intrusion of a tongue that asked him for impossible things. It made him long for a destiny he couldn't take.
Despite the desire he felt to get closer to the fire and consume himself in it, Erwin mustered the will to separate his lips with the minimum space to speak.
“You know I’m not a man who can promise things, I can no longer believe my own words..."
Levi's eyes lit up with a different light. The gray gloom of his irises was painted with sadness. Even with his round, shiny cheeks, there was a trace of suffering that made Erwin think he deserved hell for causing it.
"It doesn't matter," Levi said with resignation after looking at him contemplatively.
Erwin was confused. Levi blushed.
"No matter how much time we have left, whether we cross the line or not. It doesn't change anything because…
“Because you have me. Doesn’t really matter if you want me or not. You said… you said you don’t want to hurt me, but in fact you have done the opposite. I lived below, craving in shit and starving, I know how this world works.”
Levi spoke with conviction. There was no way Levi would talk like that in front of Shadis, or even in front of the cadets. Erwin knew that Levi had sworn obedience, that day when he was allowed to see the sunlight. But this was different.
“But you do something, even if all of them want you dead. That’s why I’m here. No one can hurt you if I'm here. Not just because I..." have you here, buried deep inside my chest. Levi's voice trailed off and then he shook his head. “You are the one who can make the change. It doesn't matter if we... it doesn't matter if we never kiss like stupid teenagers again, it doesn't matter if you don't want this.”
That's impossible, Levi. How could I not feel anything for you? Erwin had a different expression on his face, his eyes wide open and his lips without a word. The intense gaze only motivated Levi to let his heart drip out and pour it on the ground without a doubt.
"I believe you, even if you don't believe in yourself anymore."
"Levi..." Erwin's hand left his wrist and cupped his jaw instead. He approached, and with rapid breathing he spoke again "...you're going to regret it."
"No. Never." Levi said instantly, feeling the fingers of Erwin's hand digging into his cheeks from the grip. The strength of his gaze increased, blue eyes delved into his memories. It's him, Levi thought, although he didn't know why.
Saliva, heat in the cheeks, heavy breathing. Levi suddenly felt like he was in a sea of arms and legs, in a tide full of clothes, buttons and humidity. An infinite tangle of fingers that fought against hair and skin. Levi wanted to tear every little trace of armor, every little thing that separated them from being together. It was as if the collision of it resulted in something ethereal, eternal, something without end. Was that as good as it seemed? Was the liberation of what they were pursuing really the end?
"Levi, I... I want you to feel how I do right now..." Erwin said between kisses and pulls "So then we can have an understanding..."
Levi savored the words on his tongue.
"Fuck, you're so..." polite. That turns me on. "Yeah, yeah, okay."
His maneuver equipment was left on the table.
Levi said he was not like other men. Erwin believed him because there was no one as strong or as good-hearted as him. Levi laughed in his face, showing him his scars and the curve of his sex. There was a soft, damp corner just for him. Levi was a big question that Erwin desperately needed to answer.
Erwin caressed him, first over his clothes. He pinched his nipples and licked them. Levi squirmed in his arms, arching his back and exposing the spot where he was dripping. Erwin covered the leak with his hand, making small circles with his fingers, feeling how it burned and melted under his touch. Levi kissed him as if he were not the creature who had disobeyed him out of pleasure a few months ago. Erwin was aroused by his rude mouth and the way he trembled, yearning for his touch.
"Do you want me to stop, Levi?"
Levi is lying on his back, legs spread. Now, with his fingers buried between his folds, Erwin has that expression in his eyes.
"Don't you... dare," Levi slurs, pausing between words. His mouth speaks lazily. There's a little droplet of drool falling from his chin until it reaches the curve of his neck. Erwin hums and tries not to lose the rhythm of his fingers.
It's a wet sound. An alluring one. Levi's body is a catastrophe for his heart. His small stature is covered with firm muscles, some scars from the past. His skin is bruised, soft where daylight cannot reach. Erwin places one of his huge hands on Levi's chest and press, as if he could rip out his heart in one movement. He feels the rapid pulse, Levi's thighs struggling to close to catch his other hand. Erwin caresses his plump mouth with one of his fingers, having trouble focusing on which hole he should indulge the most.
Erwin moans, enjoying the other's pleasure as if it were his own. Levi responds by sucking the finger into his mouth, struggling to keep his eyes open. Erwin decides that his thirst consumes him more than anything else, and he gently removes his fingers, attempting to imprint the sensation of the soft flesh on his fingertips. It's a hot, tingling sensation that travels from his arm to his brain and cheeks. Oh Levi, I am the one touching you, and I'm experiencing immense pleasure. Why are you like this? Why is my only desire just seeing that pliant pretty face of yours?
Levi's thighs tremble as the hand on his crotch withdraws. His eyes are closed, facing the ceiling, his body contracted, and his fists clenched. His little hole is winking at him. Asking.
"Why you... Damn it, yeah..." He was about to ask why Erwin had stolen his moment. Levi hummed contentedly as lips drew near his groin, kissing his inner thigh, the nose taking in every scent, and the tip of the nose grazing the hairy base of his little cunt. He clenches and moans, fully displaying his excitement at being filled. Erwin can feel that he is ready, so is he.
While his lips are occupied with the little cock and the thighs that are unintentionally suffocating him (although Erwin wouldn't mind if it were intentional), one of his hands reaches for his own crotch to relieve some pressure. As Erwin lightly fucks against his own fist, the other hand goes to Levi's navel, gently stroking his stomach and belly, feeling the heat and tension inside him, as his touch warms the inviting flesh. Just for him. He keeps sucking each pink lip for a while, enjoying the pressure on his ears, the smell, and the trembles. Levi placed his hand on Erwin's hair and began to move it in circles. He seemed uncertain about coming on Erwin's face or save the ectasis for later. Erwin assists him, however, and leaves him on the edge of his orgasm. His crotch feels tight and heavy, making him doubt his coordination as he removes the rest of his clothes and positions himself over him, who remains with his legs open.
"L-Levi" he says, when the tip of his cock is almost touching Levi's tight entrance. The raven looked at him with lazy eyes, attempting to focus his gray gaze on Erwin's face. He knows he is listening. "You were made for me, weren't you?"
Levi answers, but the sounds that come out of his mouth are not words. Not understandable ones, at least. Erwin is pleased with the reaction. However, he is a little bit distracted as he talks and tries to maintain his weight on both arms, positioned on each side of Levi's head. Occasionally, he uses his hand to keep his own cock aligned with Levi's heat. His own fatness prevents him from sliding, so his head ends up touching Levi's taint. He tries to maintain composure, but it's a torturous experience.
"When I saw you there, soaring across the city, being the most exquisite creature, you also felt it. Am I wrong?" Erwin stops momentarily. His own voice is full of restraint. Levi shook his head, anyway. He understands every word and reads every signal. He's brilliant and capable.
Erwin now utilizes his forearms, resulting in improved stability and weight distribution. He needs to say something to avoid falling off the cliff. The warmth and softness absorb him. He is so close to Levi that he can feel his breathing as if it were his own. Words leave his mouth as one of his hands cups Levi's hair, gently stroking the black strands with his fingers.
Words are incredibly powerful and can either harm or uplift you. Words can have a profound impact on your journey in life. They have the power to touch a place in your heart that you may struggle to reach on your own. He contemplates death, amidst that state of bliss.
He contemplates Levi's body and the way it twists, resonates, and pulsates in sync with his own rhythm. They are... connected, in a weird and sad way. So, the words he says next are completely out of place, and he is deeply scared but also exhilarated by that religious experience. He is dangerously close to burn. He's in heaven.
“I-I love you so much. Can you feel it? Is not about words, it's not about saying it out loud, trying to define it.” He gently strokes Levi's cheek with a trembling hand, but the touch is there, and Levi turns his face slightly, leaving a soft kiss and a faint moan on his wrist. Erwin pants and takes a little more time to feel the way his cock is being warmed inside the other. He's delirious by this point, trying to remember what he was saying in the first place.
Tell me that you feel it. You can't explain it, but you do. Tell me now.
"Erwin... I..." he pants, and it is music to his ears. He is putting in a lot of effort, and that makes him feel so hot inside. A shudder runs down his spine, and he can't help but be so loud. Levi's feet are resting on his back, firmly held in place by his strong thighs. Erwin moves, just a little, feeling the friction and the blood coursing through his veins. This is going to kill me in the end, he thinks, at the same time a groan escapes from him. In those moments, he enters a place where there is nothing. The last moments on that cliff were just white. There is an intense heat, with the scent of sex permeating the air in that dim, aged room.
Lots of commanders had slept there, perhaps some of them pondering death and guilt. But tonight, the moon shines brighter, and the rhythm of his hips starts to become erratic. Levi is rubbing his neck; he just does it to any part of his body he can reach. His nails scratch his back and waist, accompanied by incoherent words and promises. Erwin cannot make promises to Levi, but he tries to express his thoughts verbally. Important things, perhaps. Important and silly in equal measure.
“Erwin, I'm... coming-" Levi's voice is barely audible. He's tensing his entire body and gripping Erwin's desperate desire between his thighs. All sounds fade into silence, and the night transforms into something ethereal and captivating, resembling the most remarkable discovery of the century or the mesmerizing reflection of a sunset on a tranquil lake. Levi moves his hips in small circles, his face flushed in angry crimson.
Erwin waits for Levi to start relaxing before pulling out. He uses his hand to reach orgasm, drops of white dye color Levi and his small cock, yet erect. Erwin plummets before the image.
He remains motionless until his own lips seek out Levi's, and they enjoy the fall with a weary and moist sound. Erwin can feel the way his stomach is clenching, the muscles of his chest are moving slowly with each breath, trying to return to normal. His heart is beating hard, insistent, as if trying to escape from its cage. Trying to find another heart, just like his own.
He stays for a minute or two, remains hugged to him, enjoying the pleasurable pain that comes from rubbing his penis against Levi's. Then he moves away, and falls heavily next to him. Levi has a forearm on his eyes, recovering. Erwin can see his own path leading out of Levi's entrance. Maybe he hadn't pulled out on time like he thought. He smiled slightly. It's a very nice view, but it is interrupted by Levi's hand attempting to grab it before it reaches the sheets.
“Fuck, the bed is going to be ruined," he says as he tries to sit up. Erwin kisses his cheek in a desperate attempt to stop him, but he continues moving. He sees him going to the bathroom with a hand between his thighs. “Are you coming?" he asks after opening the shower. Smoke floods his image, and with it Erwin stopped thinking about responding.
Levi.
You have your roots in me. I can feel your heart beating with every step I take. I'm going to die; this is my fate. Why do you keep following me, even though you will not reach me in the end? Why would you destroy yourself like that? Why don't I have the words to pray you to stop?