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were you as wild as they say?/ it's what they say/ but I don't really know what to believe/ because if I really was so crippling/ did you have the heart to complete the cliché?/ did you follow me into the evergreen?/ was it you sounding from the trees?/ or was it just the breeze manipulating leaves/ solidifying wishful thinking?
- Seahaven, "Pv"
-
She starts remembering on the day of her fifteenth birthday.
They usually come in dreams, old memories of past lives and love, though usually not vivid, most of the time just a homely smell here, a familiar sound there, maybe even a muffled feeling deep in your chest. They come in bits and pieces for you to find out and piece together, like a puzzle. Once you fit the pieces together, they form the image of your soulmate, the person who you were destined to fall in love with.
Camila dreams of warmth. She's huddled by what seems to be a fireplace, she thinks, comfortable and content in every single way imaginable, and that's when she hears it. She hears what she thinks is the most wonderful laugh she's ever heard. The sound fills the room and her ears like a melodic tune. It lasts for only a few seconds until it fades away, taking the warmth of the dream with it.
She wakes up slowly, trying to remember all she can, knowing just what it meant.
Later, she tells her diary and all of her friends and her mom and dad and Sofi and even the nice UPS guy that she greets at the front door that morning.
-
She meets Lauren during the X Factor.
At first glance, nothing really stood out about her besides maybe her eyes.
Or maybe she was just super nervous.
She was beautiful, of couse, literally anyone could see that, but all Camila noticed was how Lauren was really... cool, if lack of better words. Cool as in Camila was all voice cracks and shaking hands and probably near hysterics, while Lauren seemed to be the complete opposite. Camila was kind of jealous.
Camila doesn't really remember how they started talking either, but she thinks it was because their mothers started making small talk in Spanish, so Lauren's mom introduces her daughter while Camila's does the same.
They don't talk at first, only exchange shy smiles, until Camila remembers her manners and tells her, "Good luck," even though they were competitors, and Lauren says it back.
Their conversation goes on like that--polite and consisting of small talk and how nervous they both were. At one point Camila cracks a joke and she guesses it must have been funny or something bacause Lauren laughs, bright and genuine, not like the usual pity laughs she would get from other people.
Maybe if she wasn't so nervous and, like, half of her brain wasn't totally shut down, maybe she would have recognized the familiarity of the particular laugh.
The two girls talk some more, but neither of them really remember it because they were both so hyped up and their nerves were practically buzzing because they're gonna be singing on television in front of a million people.
-
Okay, it turns out Lauren's really talented.
Like, super duper talented.
Camila's kind of (very) intimidated.
-
After that Camila drifts closer to Lauren and Lauren to Camila, because, who really needs to make another friend when you already have one? And the thought of having to go and talk to another stranger and form a topic question to talk about and keep it going kind of makes Camila not want to exist, she thinks.
(And Lauren laughs at her jokes so that's a huge plus.)
"I wonder why no one here's actually tried to make friends with us," Lauren wonders to the girl beside her. "It's like it seems that everyone's getting all friendly with each other, and it's just us."
Camila looks up from her bed. "Maybe 'cause they can sense our profound bond and they don't wanna ruin something as beautiful as our genuine friendship."
Lauren snorts. "Very funny, Camz."
"But, y'know," Camila flips the page of her magazine, trying to hide the hesitancy in her voice, "if you want to hang out with other people instead of me, I mean I understand--I guess. Although it'd kinda be a little awkward since we're already sharing a room, but--oof."
Camila picks up a pillow on the floor from where it landed after it bounced onto her head.
"You dork," Lauren was smiling when Camila looks up, "I don't think I'll ever want you to leave me alone." She gets up from her own bed and bounces onto Camila's. "You're gonna be stuck with me." Lauren laughs the same type of laugh Camila heard when they first met, this one more easy and light, she notices.
Lauren has a nice laugh, Camila thinks.
-
They eventually get put in a group with three more people, and Camila kind of minds at first because her little friendship bubble consisting of only her and Lauren got popped, but eventually it was fine. It was fine because she realizes that neither Dinah Jane, Normani, nor Ally could ever come between whatever it is that Lauren and Camila have.
It's fine, Camila thinks.
-
What wasn't fine, though, was Keaton. Keaton What's-his-face from Emblem3 and his stupid good looks and charming personality, and the voice of a heavenly choir consisting of angels that God Himself chose, and wow, Camz, he has really nice abs, have you seen them?
She's heard enough about Keaton to last more than two lifetimes.
That was definitely not fine.
It wasn't like she like liked Lauren, though--because she's pretty sure she's not gay--but Lauren was spending more time with her new boyfriend--or whatever he is--than her best friend.
At least she's pretty sure she's Lauren's best friend. Lauren's definitely hers.
Great. Another thought to worry about.
-
Camila hears the door to her room shut softly and she knows it's Lauren because it's always Lauren at this time of night. She's already been used to her nighttime adventures with Keaton (aka not her) for about five days in a row. Tonight was her sixth, but for all she knew it could have been going on for much longer.
But Camila doesn't hold it against her. She never does.
"Hey," Camila just says.
"Hey, Camz." Camila hears the smile in her voice. She wonders if she laughs at Keaton's jokes the way she laughs at Camila's.
"How was your... thing?" Even if Camila really doesn't want to know, she senses that all Lauren really wanted to do was to talk, so she lets her.
As if her smile couldn't get any bigger, it does and she says, "We made out."
"Eww." Camila makes a face. "Fornicating with the enemy? Really, Lo? I thought you were better than this."
"Shut up, loser." Lauren flops down dramatically onto her bed with a sigh.
They're met in silence for a while until Lauren breaks it with, "Do you ever wonder what your soulmate could be doing at this exact moment? Like, are they on the other side of the world, have you already met them, or is your soulmate the cute guy who just made out with you a while ago?"
Camila raises an eyebrow, feeling a pang of something odd in her chest. "You think Keaton's your soulmate?"
"Well," Lauren rolls over so she can see Camila. "I'm not a child or anything. I know there's a good chance that he isn't. But," Her eyes lock with Camila's from across the room and she thinks she feels something, "a girl can wonder."
"You've... never had your dreams yet?" Camila asks. She hesitates because the talk of soulmates is usually only for your closest friends to know. It could even be considered rude to ask.
Lauren scrunches her face. "No, I haven't." And then she adds, "And no, you can't tease me about it."
Camila smiles, light and teasing anyways. "Aww, that's so cute, you'd never had your dreams yet."
Lauren fixes a glare in her direction. "Well how many dreams have you had, then, Mrs. Romantically-Experienced?"
"Hey! Don't be rude!" Camila tosses a pillow at her. "And one, for your information."
Lauren ducks and she says, "You've only had one dream and you think you're cool enough to make fun of me, huh?"
"Well it's one more than y--" But Lauren was already on top of the other girl, tickling her.
"Seriously, Lo!" Camila shouts inbetween giggles. "I've heard a bunch of stories where people finally find their soulmates after, like, seventy years!"
"Shut up!"
"No, I'm--ah!--serious! You could be part of that one reality tv show that everyone's talking about!" Camila makes several failed attempts to detain Lauren's fingers. "What it's called? Uh..."
"You're so mean!"
"Hold on! Hold on! Isn't it something like 'Eighty Years-Old and Finally in Love'?"
Lauren gets off her after some more shouting and pouts. "But what if I don't want to be eighty years old and finally in love?" She crosses her arms and it remind Camila of what a child would do. She found it adorable. "What if I wanna be eighty years-old and still in love?"
"Aw, Lo." She lazily slings her arms around Lauren's shoulders. "You can be eight years-old and still in love with me."
Lauren crinkles her nose pushes Camila away. "Nah I don't wanna be eighty years-old and in love with you. You're too mean to me."
They stare at each other with goofy smiles on their faces until Camila starts snickering.
They collapse into a pile of giggles on Camila's bed.
"You're like, my best friend, Camz." Lauren says, tucking one arm under her head and wrapping the other one around the girl beside her.
Camila smiles, scooting closer. "Aw thanks, I'm my best friend too."
Lauren lets go of Camila. "You're such a huge jerk; I can't believe I let you treat me like this."
"Whatever, you love it."
"I can't say that I don't." Lauren winks at her and puts her arm back where it was on her waist. Camila can feel her heart thumping in her chest.
-
Lauren and Camila were close. Literally anyone with eyes could see it.
One time Normani says, "Are you guys sure you're not each others' soulmates? Y'all are practically attached to each other ninety-nine percent of the time anyways."
Camila knows she was kidding, but it made her consider it, nonetheless. It wouldn't be particularly bad if they really were soulmates, she thinks.
She explores the concept for the entire day until she snaps out of it, dismissing the idea as wishful thinking.
-
The next day Camila starts messing up. Like really bad. She gets none of her dance moves right (more so than usual), misses her cues, and forgets all the words to their song. She gets told to do it again and again and again until it's perfect, but she knows that it's not happening.
The rehearsal finishes and Camila storms out, more frustrated than she's ever been.
Lauren finds her in their shared room. "Camz, you okay?"
"No, Lo, not exactly." Camila angrily wipes at her eyes.
"Hey, it's alright." Lauren sits down on her bed and puts a hand on her back. "We all make mistakes."
Camila laughs, short and bitter. "You mean just me." She turns around to face her. "I mean yeah, maybe Ally will hit a note wrong by like, this much," she makes a miniscule pinching motion with her fingers, "or maybe Dinah'll step zero-point-five nanoseconds before anyone else does, or something like that, right?" She scoffs. "We all know you'd all be better off without me anyways. I'll just let this entire group down."
"Camila Cabello," Lauren says firmly. "That is nowhere near true." Her eyes find Camila's brown ones and she lies down on the bed with her. "You are absolutely amazing and one of the most talented people I have ever met, and yes--we're on the X Factor so you know I'm serious--and don't you even doubt it for a second."
Camila sniffles and she doesn't know how, but she feels so much better. "Thanks, Lo," she whispers in her ear, "I love you."
"Love you, too, Camila."
-
Lauren still hangs out with Keaton.
Which is cool, Camila thinks, totally cool.
But it's also not cool because he's part of the other team and isn't it, like, a rule to not associate with your enemies?
And Camila's all about friendly competition and how it's not about the destination it's the journey or blah blah blah something like that, but she really doesn't like Keaton.
Which doesn't really make any sense because apperantly everyone loves Keaton except her.
But Camila's group passes all the rounds so far and so does Emblem3.
Which is cool. Totally cool.
-
Later that night Lauren's heart breaks and Camila's does too.
Camila hears the door shut softly and she glances over to the clock. 11:00 p.m.
It was a little early for Lauren to be back at this time.
"Hey, Lo." She doesn't look up from her book.
The only response she gets back is a sniffle.
Something's wrong, she realizes.
Camila turns around to see Lauren in tears. "Hey, what happened?" She opens her arms as Lauren comes over to cry into her shoulder.
They stay there for a long time, Camila not wanting to push anything, although her anger for Keaton already growing stronger by the second, because she knows he did something to make Lauren like this.
"He found his soulmate," she eventually manages to get out, crying once more. And it's not me. But that was already implied.
Camila didn't know what to say. "God, Lauren, I'm so, so sorry."
The only sound in the room was Lauren's heavy breathing, and Camila says, "You know in the fourth grade, I got in trouble one time."
Lauren looks up from where she was tucked in Camila's chest and her facial expression twists in slight confusion. "Huh?"
"So you know I'm kind of like a hopeless romantic, right?" Then she winces, thinking that maybe bringing up the subject of romance was not gonna help Lauren forget about Keaton, but it was too late to go back, so she continues, "So I remember there was this super cute boy a few seats away from me, right? And I remember I had such a huge crush on him so I would take a nap every chance I get, hoping that I would dream about him, you know? So I could wake up and be like, 'Hey, I had a soulmate dream about you, so I guess that means we're soulmates.'" She smiles when she feels Lauren relax in her arms. "But the thing is that apparently school's not for napping and you actually gotta learn stuff."
Lauren lets out a watery laugh.
"Yeah, you can imagine my surprise, right? Anyways, I did it so much that I got in trouble and the teacher called up my mom. And oh my gosh, Lo, I remember little ten year-old me being so scared because I thought my parents would just murder me." Camila paused to laugh. "But once my mom heard all the fuss, she started laughing. Like, she just started straight up laughing in the middle of the principal's office. I was so confused."
Lauren reaches over and holds her hand. Camila takes it, closing her fingers over hers gently.
"So when we got home, my mom sits me down. She says, 'Camila, the universe has its own plans for you, mija. You can't rush the universe, just remember that. One day the universe will introduce you to the love of your life and you will be the happiest person in the world, I guarantee it. Just wait.'"
Camila gives her hand a squeeze. "So I'm not really sure how that story was directly related to this situation, but I thought it would be cute enough to make you smile."
And of course Lauren does, and Camila says, "Aww, there she is."
"Shut up."
"Love you, too."
-
They get signed as Fifth Harmony and there's a big party and Lauren's dancing happily beside her and Camila's sure this is the best feeling in the entire world.
And then they get ahold of some alcohol and now Camila's 100% sure it's the best feeling in the world.
They're giddy and dancing the entire night and anyone who didn't know them could probably take one look at them and instantly think that they were probably meant to be.
They drunkenly find their way into their shared hotel room.
"Can you believe we're going to LA tomorrow?" Camila giggles.
"I still can't believe I get to do this with you." Lauren drags her down onto her bed.
"Sap." Camila buries her head in the crook of Lauren's neck. She smells like shampoo and whatever copious amount of fruity drink she made Camila try. "You smell awesome," she lets out.
"You are awesome." Lauren says back.
"You're so affectionate when you're drunk," Camilla states. "More than you are sober."
"Well you know what they say about liquid courage and all that." She wriggles her eyebrows.
Camila just giggles and kisses her cheek.
-
That night Camila dreams of dancing and drinking, and she smells shampoo and fruity alcohol.
-
She wakes up the next morning with a pounding headache and a pounding on the door. "Come on, you two! Rise and shine! We've got a big day ahead of us!" A voice that belongs to Ally calls through the hotel door.
She feels a body beside her groan. "Mmm, Camz?"
Camila blinks as she tries to remember last night's events. "Mhmmm." She manages to groan back.
The door opens and Ally's there, apparently having found the key. "Let's go, girls! Come on, come on!"
With a groan, Camila attempts to get up, the memory of last night and the memory of her dream already in the back of her mind.
-
"What do you think meeting your soulmate will feel like?" Lauren asks her one night while after a show of their very first tour.
Camila shrugs. "Oh, I don't know, I'm hoping something along the lines of fireworks and sparks. Something that'll just pop out at you like it's the universe telling you, 'There, you're gonna spend the rest of your life with that one.'"
Lauren looks at her for a while.
"What?"
"I don't know, nothing really. It's just that I always thought about the opposite thing about my soulmate. I believe that when you meet them you'll feel at ease. Like how life just gives you one obstacle after another and then you find this person that'll just calm you down and make you feel... I don't know..." She shrugs, "whole."
Camila nods. "That sounds really nice actually. I think the only reason I'm hoping the universe gives me my soulmate in big, flashing signs is that I'm well, me, and I don't exactly do hints."
"Camz, no offense, but I don't think the universe will give you your soulmate that easily."
She frowned. "Why not exactly?"
"Because the universe is a little shit, Camila."
Camila senses the underlying bitterness in the tone of her voice, but she doesn't ask.
Lauren continues. "I mean yeah, you get those people who figure out who their soulmate is, and it's like their best friend for years or something super convenient like that where literally everyone was expecting it and it's just--ugh," she says, "It's just not real to me. What's real is the universe matching you up with the most unavailable person on the planet and having you fall in love with that person anyways. That's real." Lauren wasn't looking at Camila anymore.
Camila almost asks if she's had her dreams yet, just to fill in the silence before them, but she doesn't know if she should.
In the end, she decides to ask. "Did you have a dream?" Camila asks carefully.
For half a second, Lauren's body grows tense. Then she she shakes her head. "No, not yet, Camz."
Camila gives her a good look. Lauren wasn't lying to her. Lauren wouldn't lie to her. She's her best friend. "You can tell me when you do, though, you know."
Lauren gives her a guarded smile. "Thanks. Night, Camz."
"Yeah, night, Lo."
-
Lauren is with Luis.
Which is cool. So cool. As cool as a cucumber.
And it's also super cool because she's been talking to Austin. And he's super cool.
Like, Antarctica cool.
But Lauren is still with Luis and it's not cool because they always take up the back lounge after the shows.
Camila especially hates that because the back lounge is like, her favorite room. It's not because they go in there to make out.
(Well, yeah, that too, but only because it's gross and literally everyone is aware about it.)
And Dinah even makes a remark about how gross they both were to Lauren.
"What, at least we're not making out all out in the open with everyone seeing," Lauren had said back.
Dinah snorts. "Yeah, but it really isn't any better when we can hear."
Lauren rolls her eyes, but she does find somewhere else to make out that wasn't the bus and Camila was thankful for that. At least now she didn't have to constantly glance at the shut door of the back lounge.
-
Camila notices how Lauren stops looking her in the eyes.
Which kind of sucks because Lauren has really pretty eyes. And it also kind of sucks because Camila thinks she could be hiding something.
But Camila lets it go because it's Lauren and she'll probably tell her on her own time.
-
Lauren stops talking to her.
By that she means that she'll only talk to Camila about what dance move goes after what, and if she wants some breakfast, or that she did good during the performance.
Which is not cool.
Days turn into a full month. It's been a month with Lauren still ignoring her and Camila still not knowing what to do.
One night all five girls are sitting in the back lounge with no Luis which means a present Lauren, so Camila takes advantage of this opportunity.
So she gathers the five of them into the back lounge, claiming that they need an impromptu bonding session, even though Dinah complains that they're kind of bonding, like, all the time since they basically all live together.
"No, this time it's gonna be special, though," Camila insists, "there's gonna be feelings involved and our friendship in gonna strengthen by like, five hundred percent."
But none of the girls really argue with her because they're tired and they know Camila will bug them even more if they don't go with it. Even Lauren doesn't leave the room, to Camila's surprise.
-
"How often do you guys wonder who your soulmate is?" Normani asks the group, her head comically resting on Ally's butt.
"A lot," Dinah replies, reaching for another potato chip. "I like to imagine him super cute and super hot," she says through all her chewing. "And really rich and super fit."
Normani laughs. "Wow, somone's standards are set incredibly high, don't you think?"
She shrugs. "Whatever. I can only hope that the universe answers my prayers and matches me up with someone worthy of all of this." She gestures to herself.
Camila rolls her eyes at Dinah. "Honestly, I haven't been thinking about it in a long time. Like, I used to do it a lot when I was younger, I remember, but I don't know, ever since all of this has been happening to us, I know that I don't need to stress myself out with wondering whoever it is. The universe'll tell me, I think." She finds herself glancing at Lauren. "What about you, Lo?"
Lauren shrugs. "A lot. I mean, I'm still kinda technically clueless on who it is."
Camila senses her hesitation in the way her fingers drum against her thigh and the weight she puts behind the word technically and how she refuses to look at her. She's pretty sure it's one of Lauren's universal rules to never look her in the eye. It wasn't like she was Medusa or anything.
"But," Lauren continues, "I think sometimes you just know. Like, sometimes you don't even need assistance from the universe, or your subconscious. You can just feel it." She bites her lip. "But, uh, I've never had a dream yet so I guess I wouldn't know." She clears her throat.
-
Later that night, Lauren finds Camila walking out of the bathroom.
There's a moment where neither really know what to say.
The silence breaks when Lauren says, "You know what you said about how the universe'll tell you in time?" The tone in her voice was unreadable.
"Yeah?"
"Well, what if it is telling you?" She asks and Camila's not sure if the question was rhetorical or not. "Like, what if it's telling you more than you think it is, and while you're busy waiting for lightning to strike or something, a breeze blows, and that was your sign?"
Lauren walks away, just like that, leaving Camila pondering over what she just said.
-
The next time, Camila dreams of eyes. She dreams of the brightest and prettiest green color she ever thought could exist in a pair of eyes.
But something tugs at the back of her mind, though. An overwhelming sense of familiarity overtakes her and she knows. She figures it out.
She could practically get lost in the galaxy of those green eyes because she has before. And she isn't talking about her past lives or any other stuff like that. She was talking about Lauren.
-
Oh.
It was her. It was her all along.
Camila has knots in her stomach and she might be breaking a sweat right now, and she's so dumb. It was like her entire body knew about it from the beginning besides the conscious part of her brain.
But does she tell Lauren? Should she tell Lauren? What if it turns out that Camila was destined to fall in love with her, but Lauren was destined to fall in love with someone else? A better looking someone? It's probably happened before, Camila thinks. She's pretty sure she saw a buzzfeed article about it one time on the internet.
And there's that whole unmentioned-but-implied we're in a band together and romance just sounds like a doomed concept before it even starts thing.
-
She decides to not say anything about it for now, but wow, it was hard. Like, super hard.
But it was kind of a good thing, she thinks, because eventually Lauren starts talking to her about more than just the set list or to ask what city they were in, and it was like they were back again. Just Lauren and Camila. Just like the beginning.
And that's definitely cool.
(And she broke up with Luis, so that is kind of cool, too.)
The bad thing is that with all that time that's passed, she can now aver that she's absolutely head over heels in love with Lauren. Like, gross clichés and heart emojis and everything in between.
Which is kind of less cool.
-
Camila finds Lauren one day on the roof of the bus.
"What'cha doing up here?" She says after some struggling on her way up. "Just brooding?"
Lauren scoffs and puts her camera down. "I don't brood."
"Oh, so you were just taking some pictures of the sunset to later post on your pale-pastel-hipster-grunge aesthetic-themed tumblr?" Camila teases as she picks up the camera.
"Shut up." She fixes a mock glare at the younger girl. "I mean you're right, but shut up."
A comfortable silence comes over the two and she sees Lauren's hair blow in the breeze.
Maybe this is my breeze, Camila thinks.
"Why do you think the universe sends us dreams in the first place?" Lauren's voice cuts through the light wind.
"To help us out, I guess."
"Yeah, but what if it doesn't help? Like, at all. Like, do you think the universe really cares whether or not anyone really gets together?"
Camila just shrugs. "I guess the universe tries in its weird way, but it's mostly your job to piece everything together." Too bad she didn't follow her own advice soon enough. "I mean, I know I'm pretty bad at things like that."
Lauren's eyes, the same ones she saw in her dreams, were focused on her. "Yeah, you are pretty bad at things like that," she agrees.
There was a lapse in time, where their eyes lock and brown meets green.
Then that's when everything clicks to Camila. The puzzle finally completes itself.
"How long have you known?" Camila asks in a low voice and she can practically see Lauren's brain clicking with Camila's.
"Long before my first dream." And Camila knows that that answer was a poke at her inability to come to conclusions because Lauren has that smug look on her face that she kind of wants to kiss off. "I told you, I could feel it."
"Cliché," she says and Lauren rolls her eyes. "How many dreams?" Camila inches a little bit closer to her.
Lauren still has that smug look on her face. "One. And it was just your eyes."
Camila can't help but frown. "Wow, I think it took me, like, three." She gives her a sheepish smile. "I really am bad at this."
Lauren laughs, warm and vibrant, just like in Camila's dream, and when they first met, and when the were on the X Factor, and a lot more times after that.
So she does what the universe wants her to do. She does what the universe was wanting her to do for a long time now, she thinks.
Camila kisses her and the universe consisting of Lauren and Camila converges, turning into one, and she thinks that this is definitely the universe's bright and shining sign, the lightning and the breeze that Lauren was referring to so long ago.