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A storm rages as the beast before him snarls. How had everything gone so wrong? It should have worked. Why hadn’t it worked? His mind runs in circles, trying to find an answer. His emotions continue to feed into the storm, his cloudhymn becoming unruly in tandem with the creature's lightning. The abomination moves through the chaos in anguish. It -- she -- lashes out, the surrounding structures crumbling. He can't look away, can't look to the source of the sword pointing at his chest. "If your death can return everything to how it was, I would do it," the wielder says, cold as ice.
A cacophony of voices overtakes him, hissing taunts and insults and threats. They blend together until he can barely tell the cold woman's despair from the swordsmith's anger. Each voice cuts him more deeply than any blade could, carving up his very soul to ensure he never forgets for a moment what sins he bears. "Dan Heng," they chant accusatorially. Even his new name cannot escape their hatred.
"Dan Heng." It echoes across his chamber, tightening his shackles.
"Dan Heng." It pierces him as surely as the nails hammered into his body.
"Dan Heng!"
With a gasp, he jolts awake. His eyes dart around the space, not finding corallium chains but a dim archive surrounding him. Another dream. That's all. The reassurance does little to calm his racing heart, nor assuage the guilt aching in his veins.
"Are you alright?"
The voice startles him out of his reverie. Dan Heng looks up to find a pair of golden eyes watching him from the darkness. It takes a moment for his sleep-addled brain the catch up -- Stelle.
He clears his throat before replying, "Just a bad dream, all is well. Did you… need something?" He looks at the strange girl before him, wondering what possessed her to come into his room in the middle of the night. Surely she didn’t take his invitation to use the archive anytime to mean literally any time…?
"So you get nightmares too, huh?" she mumbles before replying in earnest, "I couldn’t sleep, so I came to see if you were awake. I heard you talking in your sleep through the door; you sounded… distressed. So I came in to see if you were okay. Are you okay?" Her eyebrows are slightly furrowed in worry.
An uncomfortable flush spreads across his face and he looks away. "I didn't realize that this room was poorly sound-proofed. I apologize if I disturbed you. I am fine now, just a dream as I said."
"Oh, no you didn't disturb me. I don't think anyone else could hear you, either. It was only because I was at the door that I heard. But if you want to go back to sleep now, I can leave you alone." Her tone remains light, but something shutters in her eyes as she begins to turn towards the door. 'You get nightmares too,' she had said. Was that why she couldn't sleep?
"Ah, Stelle, you… you don’t have to. That is, you can stay. If you'd like to." Brilliant. "I doubt that sleep will come for me again tonight. Your company would be welcome." That sounded a bit more sure. If he couldn't sleep, he may as well have something to occupy his mind besides the storm raging inside him.
She blinks at him for a moment before a grin spreads across her face. "Really? Awesome! The lounge is alright, but I can only count the whale segments so many times before I feel like I'm losing my mind." At the invitation to stay, Stelle situates herself next to Dan Heng on top of his blanket. They aren't touching, but the space between them feels intimate.
He's torn between curiosity and not wanting to probe into her business. But considering she walked right into his room while he slept, he doesn't think Stelle will begrudge him a lack of manners. Despite the intrusion though, she hadn't asked about his dream -- only if he was okay. With that in mind, he tries to be delicate and asks, "Do you have trouble sleeping often?"
She takes a moment before answering. Hands clasped in her lap, she stares into the darkness of the archive without seeing the room. Finally, voice a shade quieter than normal, she speaks. "I don't think I've slept through the night once since... well, since I can remember. The dreams feel like memories, right on the edge of my consciousness, not letting me really see them. Faces flicker just outside my awareness." He knows what she means all too well. "Sometimes I think I catch a glimpse of Kafka, but it doesn't last long enough to figure out how I know her. They got worse after Belobog. Maybe it's a side effect of drawing an aeon's gaze. Or of getting stabbed. Either way, now Cocolia has joined the mostly-unseen faces in my head, taunting me. And sometimes, when I get real lucky, I see Tingyun. The real Tingyun, or how I imagine her to be at least. Somehow, that hurts the worst." A tired smile graces her face, and she shrugs. "Do you want to talk about yours?"
Does he? She knows now about his past life, why he left his home never to return. But the details he learned at Scalegorge Waterscape from Jingliu are fresh, and he hasn't shared them with anyone. He realizes that it would hurt if she reacted poorly. At some point in their trailblazing, Dan Heng had come to care about Stelle's opinion of him. Yet something in him yearns to vent -- confess -- to her. Perhaps if he was properly awake and not still on alert from the dream, then he would hold back. But tonight, his inhibitions had been lowered. She had come in to check on him; she was worried about him. He tried, and failed, not to read into that too much. But at the very least, it meant that the friendship he felt with her was mutual. And confiding was something one did with friends, even if he was woefully out of practice doing so.
Now it's his turn to look away into the darkness. "It's always the same. I watch, helpless to stop myself from committing that fatal sin. Then I face the consequences. I lose everything over and over, knowing that it's all my fault. Each voice I hear is right to blame me, hate me. Even reincarnation isn't enough to bathe my soul from this sin." A masochistic urge forces him to meet her confused gaze before he continues. "Until recently, it was similar to what you described. I got flashes of Dan Feng's memories without seeing the bigger picture, or understanding what I saw. But then I met Jingliu." He thinks back to her ice-cold demeanor, the pain that was evident in her words at each mention of Baiheng. He wishes that he had more of Dan Feng's good memories, instead of all the bad ones. In that life, they had been the closest of friends. Now, they were torn apart by a single night's mistake. "She brought what remains of the High-Cloud Quintet together to Scalegorge Waterscape, to atone. Her recount of the sedition triggered some memories from within me, and ever since, the dreams have gotten worse. More detailed. And I finally understand what I'm seeing. In the tales of the quintet you've heard, has anyone mentioned the foxian pilot, Baiheng?"
Stelle thinks for a moment before standing up and crossing the room to one of the bookshelves. She peruses spines quickly before finding what she's looking for, turning back to Dan Heng. "One of the books I brought back from the Luofu is a travelogue authored by a Baiheng. Is that her?"
His chest aches at the realization that the travelogue has been sitting in the archive, right under his nose the whole time. She hands the book to him as she sits. Flipping through it reverently, he answers in a voice that sounds far away to his ears. "Yes, that's her. The legendary starskiff pilot from the Yaoqing. We were friends. And then she died."
Stelle allows him to collect his thoughts in supportive silence. After a few minutes, he feels able to continue. "There was a battle against an Emanator of Abundance, Shuhu, and we were losing. I- Dan Feng, was in a delirium caused by Shuhu's abyss. Until Baiheng flew her starskiff into the fight, carrying a stellaron. It turned the tide of battle, allowed us to defeat the denizens. But Baiheng… all that remained of her was some hair and blood. And in that moment, having witnessed countless comrades fall, her loss was too much." He looks her in the eyes again as he admits the worst of it, his own form of punishment. He would see the moment her expression changed, and know that he'd done irreparable damage to yet another relationship. There's no point in trying to disguise the agony in his tone, so he lets his voice break on the confession. "I tried to bring her back. It was arrogance, to think that I could wield the transmutation arcanum as I pleased. Even with Yingxing adding the flesh of Shuhu, it failed. What came back wasn't Baiheng, but... an abomination. Its anguished cries will never leave my ears. Jingliu had to put it out of its misery; I think that was the final straw for her mara. And Yingxing… the ritual backfired onto him. He was cursed with the emanators immoral regeneration. And he's blamed me for it ever since. Of five, we three must pay the price for dishonoring her sacrifice."
With his eyes focused on her face, he sees the exact moment that she connects the dots about Yingxing. She doesn't say anything for a long time, long enough that the fears he suppressed grip him tight. You knew better than to expect understanding, and told her anyway. Why are you so surprised? He knew the pain would come, but that knowledge provides little relief in the moment. Throat tight, he swallows his regret and tries to start an apology for oversharing, but Stelle chooses that moment to speak.
"Dan Feng made that choice and paid the price with his life. You shouldn’t have to continue paying it just because you have his memories, regardless of what Jingliu or Blade say. He was him and you are you." They were words he had said himself, tried and failed to make himself believe. She reaches towards him, squeezing his tightly-clasped hands in her own reassuringly. He's so surprised by her words that he doesn’t have a chance to react to her action before she moves away again. The gentle comfort eases a bit of the pressure in his chest. She didn’t leave. But the feeling is fleeting; he still has to tell her his suspicion, his deepest fear.
"I have to keep carrying the weight. Because even though it seemed to have failed at the time, I think it did work." There, no taking it back now. He'd forced his own hand.
Stelle's eyes widen and she asks, "What do you mean it worked?"
Aeons, this was too much. No, it's exactly what I must do. "I think that the resurrection did work, to an extent. After the draconic abomination was killed, a new high elder was found by the preceptors. One without any dream memories of the previous high elders, or control over Dan Feng's destructive cloudhymn. With a lightning affinity unseen in previous high elders, but identical to the abomination. And with the same purple hair and blue eyes as Baiheng." He sounded as hollow as he felt.
Dan Heng could see tears in Stelle's eyes. With a hand to her mouth, she gasped in realization. "Dan Heng, since I invited Bailu to visit the express, she told me that she's started having dreams for the first time. In them, she travels from high up in the sky, like she's flying. And she always wakes up crying when they end."
Horror filled him at her words. His suspicion had to be correct, there was too much evidence. Numbly, he stared at his hands. "So it is true. Not only is it my fault that the preceptors keep her confined to prevent another incident like the sedition, it's also my fault that they disregard her right to the title of high elder. My molting rebirth was incomplete, hence why I retained some of the high elder's power. And why Bailu only received the healing cloudhymn."
In the next moment, Stelle's arms were around him. Frozen, he dared not even breathe. Her grip tightened on his shoulders before she spoke again. "It's still not your responsibility to bear all this pain alone. I won't leave." A gate broke upon in him at those words. I won't leave. This whole time, he had been waiting for her to do just that. He had fully expected for this to be too much for their fledgling friendship. And she seemed to realize that, and reassured him exactly as he needed to be reassured.
His arms came up to return her embrace as he buried his face in her hair, allowing himself to take comfort in her. "If I don't, then who will? Ying- Blade can live through innumerable deaths for his part it in. Jingliu surrendered herself to the alliance for eternal punishment for hers. Jing Yuan is the only one of us without a guilty conscience, and still he suffers because of his friendship with us all. Why should I get to have a new life aboard the express?" Why should I get to be happy?
Stelle grabs his shoulders and pulls him away from her just enough to look him in the eye. A mostly dormant part of his brain realizes that she's close enough to kiss him. Not the time, he thinks as he shoos the thought away desperately. Her hands hold him firmly when she starts speaking. "Because you have to. The way you atone is by remembering her forever, but not letting that memory ruin your life. I heard that she was a Nameless. You can follow in her footsteps and continue helping people with us, like you did on Belobog. Like you did on Herta Space Station, for me. Baiheng was your friend. Do you really think she would want you to suffer for all of time because you loved her so much that you couldn't bear the thought of her being gone?"
She would never hold a grudge so intense, part of him whispered. He was silent for long enough that Stelle began to look worried, before her eyes suddenly flicked down his cheek. He realized at that moment that a tear had escaped him without notice. Her hand came up and gently brushed it away; quickly, he put his own hand on top of hers to prevent her from moving it. The action was instinct, but still he leaned into the touch, taking comfort in her presence. "I don't think that she would," he said quietly.
Relief passed over her face when he came to the conclusion she'd been hoping he would. "Of course she wouldn't. So in her name, you must find what makes you happy. And until you can be happy, then at the very least, you can share your sadness and grief and anger with me."
That gave him pause. She was getting his hopes dangerously high. With her hand still on his face, he asked, "Why?"
The confused tilt of her head reminded him of a cat. The endearing action only made his long-quiet heart quake more strongly. "Why what?"
"Why do you want to share my burden? You bear no responsibility to me, nor to her." Unconsciously, his fingers tighten on hers as he asks. He might be asking, but that doesn't mean he's ready to hear the answer. For it to be the end of his silly hopes.
She blinks at him a couple times before responding. "I thought that was obvious. It's because I care about you."
That was far too general. He pushed a bit further; better to have an answer than be able to retain any illusions about their potential relationship. "Because we're… friends?"
"Yes, we're friends." Her smile wavers for only a second, enough to go unnoticed if he hadn't been paying rapt attention to her. His heart skipped a beat. The sadness that entered her expression briefly couldn't mean that she wanted more than friendship, could it?
With a racing heart, he tries to talk around a suddenly-dry mouth. If he's wrong, and her expression meant something entirely different, then he would be about ready to die of embarrassment. But if he wasn't wrong… it would be worth the present anxiety. "Stelle, do you not want to be friends?"
Startled, she vigorously shakes her head. "Oh, no, of course I do! I'm pretty sure we've been friends for months now." She looks genuinely worried at the question, and aeons-damn him, the expression is cute on her.
"I think so too, but I mean… do you not want to be just friends?" Dan Heng was sure that his heart would beat straight out of his chest for his boldness.
Stelle's eyes widened slightly before she said, "I don't want to burden you with my feelings when you're dealing with your own complicated emotions. You've got enough on your plate."
Wait, what?
"Stelle, do you truly think that would be unwelcome?" Tentatively, he places his free hand on her cheek in mirror to his own. "My feelings about you are by far the least confusing thing I am experiencing."
In the dim light, he can see the pink dusting across her nose. "So.. you… about me?" The unsure happiness in her tone makes his heart squeeze.
But then reality sinks in. He remembers his circumstances, and how much more she deserves. "Aeons, Stelle, I do. But I don't know how to be with someone. I've never even given thought to it. You deserve better than a semi-broken man with no experience."
She snorted and gave him a questioning look. "You think I know how? Need I remind you that my memories start about 5 minutes before I met you? I haven't had much romantic experience, unless you count your almost-CPR."
A blush crept across his face at the reminder. She was as close now as she'd been then, breath tickling his face. Then he flushed harder at the realization that he'd been worried about her potential romantic experience. "I did not assume that you haven't had any... encounters. Given the numerous people fawning over you on each planet."
Her laugh was musical. "Are you really worried that I've had some secret affair with someone? Who would I possibly have done that with?"
He hated how readily names came to him. "Gepard looks at you like an excited puppy when you aren't looking. You take every opportunity to flirt with Natasha when we visit her. Guinaifen parades you around her streams like a prop. Sushang and Luka both look up to you." He resisted the urge to leave this one out, despite being particularly embarrassed. "And... Sampo. Is very... touchy."
Unvoiced laughter dances in her eyes as she questions, "Sampo? Really, out of everyone we've met, you were worried that I was getting it on with Sampo Koski while you weren't looking? The man is a walking red flag!"
With a groan, he pulls away enough to put his flaming face in his hands. Voice muffled by the position, he says, "Your choice of partner is none of my business, regardless of my feelings about the individual." Aeons, he felt ridiculous for voicing that particular worry.
Small hands grip his wrists gently, prying his hands from his face. Stelle looks through his splayed fingers with a warm expression. "Sampo is the least of your competition, I promise. In fact, there is no competition, because I only want you. I'm just friends with all those others, regardless of whatever they may feel for me. Though I do flirt with Natasha; older women just turn me into a charmer, what can I say?" She snorts. "But I'm not trying to get in her pants. And she treats me like a kid, so no worries of her taking my comments seriously."
At the mention of getting in someone's pants, Dan Heng's blush deepens. He's very much in new territory here; he's not sure what she wants from him, exactly, or if he's in a position to give it to her. Eyebrows furrowed, he speaks tentatively. "I care about you deeply, Stelle. But I… might not live up to your expectations. In romance, or, well, physical… intimacy." That was something that he was pretty sure he needed time to consider. He had been existing on survival mode for his entire existence as 'Dan Heng'. Letting Stelle into his thoughts was a brand new intimacy in and of itself. Slow steps would be best. But is that what she wanted?
She grasped his hands in hers. "I have no expectations. I'm happy to just sit here with you, if that's what you need from me. All I want is your company. Anything more than that is a bonus that can come later, if you want it to. I didn't come here tonight to seduce you." Her face was earnest even as she joked. His urge to kiss her went into overdrive. Any reservations he had mentally were not shared by his body; it had a mind of its own, and it wanted her.
One shaky breath, then he pulled until her forehead was pressed to his own. Eyes closed, he spoke in a near-whisper. "Okay. I will try, with you." He opened his eyes, seeing her own open wide. A hand cradled her head, and he brought his mouth closer to her. Right before they made contact, he asked, "Is this alright?" Her eyes flicked to his mouth, his eyes, back to his mouth. Then she gave a firm nod, bumping her nose into his. With her permission secured, he closed the gap between them.
It was a soft, quick kiss. Her mouth was exquisitely smooth on his, and he wanted to keep going. But he made himself pull away and say, "I want the 'anything more' quite badly, to be honest. But sharing any piece of myself with another is so new. I wouldn't have even confided much of what I said to you tonight, until recently."
She didn't even look disappointed, though it was clear even to him that she wanted more. Instead, she nodded and replied, "It's smart to take your time opening up. I'll be here for every step, whatever you need. Don't rush yourself." With a smile, she pulled away from the embrace and laid on her back on top of his blanket. Looking up at him with her hands resting on her stomach, she said, "Sometimes, when I can't get back to sleep, I listen to music. Do you think that might help you?"
For a moment, he just looks down at her, hair splayed against his pillow. The sight makes his heart thud, thud, thud. Then he retrieves his phone and lays down next to her. "That sounds nice. Here, you pick." He hands the device and one end of his headphones to her, putting the other in his own ear. Stelle fiddles for a minute before making her selections, then tucks the phone between them. They don't speak, but he is comforted by her presence. Without looking over, he reaches his hand over to grasp hers. She squeezes in return.
With the music playing quietly and Stelle's warmth radiating from beside him, Dan Heng falls asleep once more. And this time, he doesn't wake from nightmares.