Chapter Text
"Who was the third?" Lucy Gray asked, turning her head to face him. They continued their walk to the house by the lake. A quick detour before they'd be on their way out of District 12, out of Panem for good.
"Sejanus... He came to District 12 because of me, I should've protected him. He told everyone I was like a brother to him." The sound of those dreadful mockingjays still haunted him.
Ma! Ma! Ma!
It was an easy half-truth to tell her. What did it even matter anyways? All of this was going to be behind him in a few hours once they made their way past the fences. The deaths, the hunger games, the rebellion. He'd act like none of it ever happened. His slate would be wiped clean along with his bloody hands.
Hanging his head a bit, Coriolanus thought back to the events that had gotten him here in the first place. Lying to everyone, cheating in the games to save her and moreso himself, not keeping a good enough eye on Sejanus...
Oh and recording his treason and sending it to Dr. Gaul, that definitely got him here.
A means to an end, he reasoned.
She had stopped walking and reached a hand out to Coriolanus, her fingers grasping his forearm, bringing them both to a stop.
"It wasn't your fault Coriolanus. Sejanus was headed down a dark path, same one as Billy Taupe and those other boys when they start to lose hope. It's what this place does to him. You looked out for him like a brother, did your best." She said it with a nod, trying to reaffirm him.
Whew, sounds like she believed that. The slate had definitely been wiped clean.
And they continued walking.
He didn't tell a full lie. He did feel a bit of guilt, especially after his mom sent over all of those treats. But in reality, the hard truth was Sejanus had a good heart but lacked the ability to really implement anything. He lacked true grit. He was a District child trapped in a Capitol boy's body, forever plagued with the guilt that he had left everyone behind. Bound to mess up eventually and end up back where he belonged. It was silly really, he never recognized the power he had. If anyone could have made some changes, it would have been him and old Strabo's deep pockets. And may he rest in the Districts and finally stop causing me problems! He was tired of being collateral damage.
They had reached the cabin at the lake, the sun beamed down between the trees that surrounded them. Casting a soft glow against his mother's scarf that draped around Lucy Gray's shoulders, shimmering and flashing in all of it's glory. It looked good on her. She looked good.
"We should stock up on some fish while we're here. Who knows when we might find water next. The terrain out there isn't really mapped out. I've gone out a bit past the fence when Maude was gathering strawberries but never any further. Fishing poles should be in the cabin." She led the way up the steps, Coriolanus in tow. Seems like they'd be relying on her experience with the outdoors for the next little bit while he caught up to speed. Surely a smart, Capitol bread boy such as himself could learn how to hunt and live off the land. If the Districts had been doing it forever, he was confident he could.
Instead of fishing poles, Coriolanus's eyes found a large brown burlap sack that had two long noses sticking out of it. He couldn't miss the glossy black barrels staring back at him. The guns! They were here. Shamus must have stashed them here before he was caught. A popular hiding spot in the seam it had to be.
"Corio-" Lucy had pulled out two fishing rods and was turning towards him, when she saw him at a dead stop, fixated on a corner of the tiny cottage.
"Those are the guns. The ones used to kill Mayfair and Billy." His mind began to spin.
This was the only thing sending him off into the wilderness. If the guns were gone, no one could trace it back to him. His fingerprints would never be found and he could continue on as if the whole thing never happened. He could go back to the base and head off to officer training. Eventually make it back to Capitol, a war hero, and save Grandma'am and Tigris from the horror of selling their place at the Corso. He could go back to being Coriolanus Snow instead of some woodland warrior caked in mud and bug bites.
"We should leave them here; I don't trust those kinds of things. Too unpredictable." She passed by them, offering up one of the fishing rods to him. Ignoring his life boat. His ticket out of here.
He thought about ditching her for a second. He could pretend to go gather some more fire wood and sneak off. Best of luck on your trip Lucy! But that would be cowardly, and she'd probably follow him back and tell everyone of their escape plan and he'd back to square one.
"Lucy Gray I don't think I can go with you." It was the first full truth he'd shared with someone in a while. He couldn't go. He couldn't just leave everything behind. Not when there was a simple solution to all of his problems right in front of him. They were dangling in front of him, begging him to toss them into the lake and never return.
"I can't leave Tigris and Grandma'am. They'll lose our home, be kicked out, be out on the streets." They'd have to resort to their charms as Lucy Gray once sung. "I have to go back. I'm sorry, but I have to go back for them. They won't survive without me."
If there was one thing he could count on, it was her being sweet. She had grabbed both of his hands and pressed herself against him. Lookup up at him with those big brown eyes, Oh Lucy Gray... And then she hugged him. Wrapping her arm around his body tightly, pushing her head into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her in response, pulling her in closer.
"It's okay Coriolanus. You do what you have to do to protect the ones you love. I won't lie and say I'm not upset. If I stay I'll only be putting the Covey in danger with the Mayor stalking me." She said with a small laugh, almost a cry. "You saved my life, remember?"
He held her tighter. Almost choking out the next words to her. Another full truth. He's had a lot of those today.
"And you saved mine, remember?" He held her tighter than ever before. A full hug, something he hadn't given out since his parents funeral when he clutched Tigris next to him. Sloppy tears soaked his uniform.
Thunder crackled above them, raindrops thudded against the walls of the shed and she pulled away from him. Teary eyed, face puffy. He was sure he looked the same.
"Well then how about we make the best out of our last night together, what do you say?" She forced a smile, forced herself to put on a brave face. To make the most out of it.
How he'd miss her. Really, truly. Her wit, her voice, the way she smelled, the way she fit so perfectly against him. How it felt when they kissed, hand locked and shaky breaths shared between them. It was a far away dream thinking they could be together and make it work.
They nestled together in the cubby near the fire place, pulling one of the nearby quilts over themselves. It was itchy, but it would keep them warm. They considered lighting a small fire but reasoned the smoke might alert the Covey or someone else to their hiding spot. They sat together in silence, holding each other, as the ran patted down against the windows, a ballad of their heartbreak playing right before them.
"Can I ask you something Lucy Gray?" Coriolanus stroked her hair, her body resting against him. He could feel her heart beating against his chest. She had nodded in permission, her fingers tracing small circles against his chest, leaving a trail of tingles in their wake.
"What was it really like being in the games?" He managed to strangle out. He regretted asking, feeling so stupid for even bringing it up. Sure, let's make an already moment even worse for the girl, good job Snow. He was leaving her and making her relive the worst time of her life. But he was so curious. He had to know before they parted ways. Did she feel as powerful as he did when she killed those tributes? Was she excited when they drank the poisoned water? What she happy to have won and been able to go back home to the Covey? Did it drive her the way it drove him?
She sat up a bit more, still resting against him, but looking up at him now. Into his eyes.
"All of the terrible feelings you could have ever imagined." Her voice sounded hollow, like she was trying to make it a distant memory, a nightmare only a child could have dreamt of on accident. The kind that sent you into your parents' room for safety, something Coriolanus never got to experience. "The worst part though Coriolanus-" She gritted her teeth, sitting more upright now, so that her big brown shone. The light coming through the makeshift window made her look pale. "The worst part is that I still feel like I never really left that arena." She sounded like a ghost, retelling the story of how she passed away. Had she not been sitting on his lap right now, hands clenching his, he would've thought she was one.
It had weighed on her more than he thought. It was something she would carry with her for the rest of her life. Would she leave the fencing of District 12 with the games as a distant memory? Or was she meant to carry this with her until the end of time? What an odd way to punish yourself for surviving something you had no control over.
"What about you? How did it feel being in that arena?"
Would he have even gone in there if he had the same powerful arsenal of money and affluence that his peers had? He would have gotten his father to toss some money in for a new school gym and would have went home to sleep like soundly that night, leaving Sejanus to save himself. But alas, Dr. Gaul and Dean Highbottom knew he was the right pick for the job. With his too-tight shoes and growling stomach, the boy had no backing to fall on. No one to come to his rescue should he need it. He didn't have the privilege to say no.
In reality, he'd been in the hunger games ever since the rebellion ended. Fighting for rations as a child, finding solace in the crackers at school. Fighting for stature and recognition once he made it to the Academy, planning out every social move and tolerating his peers in the event that may owe him a favour one day. He couldn't remember a day before the games where he went to bed on a full stomach, didn't think of new ways to get one step ahead, didn't stir that disgusting cabbage in with some water to give himself some kind of nutrient as the smell made him want to gag. From the day the rebellion ended, he couldn't remember a day where he could just be him, a boy, a teenager, a lover. A day where he didn't have to scratch and claw and fight for all of the things his classmates were handed on a silver little platter.
It had felt good being in that arena. Knocking that boys head in, and knowing he would leave and his life would continue on as is. There would be no consequences. He wouldn't lose a lick of sleep. He'd brought every piece of himself back with him when he left that arena, knowing damn well his name would never be pulled out of that reaping bowl. That he'd never be poor enough to be considered District scum. That he had helped Lucy Gray's odds.
"I got to leave." He gave a more appropriate response for the situation.
She nodded in understanding. They shared plenty of kisses that afternoon, some soft, some harder. Their teeth clashing against one another in sync with the storm outside. Their skin pressed against each other, keeping the cabin warm.
Selfishly he would miss this part of running away with her. The infinite amount of intimate moments they could share. How they'd have to wrap themselves up in each other to keep warm as the cold weather approached. Sneak kisses to each other throughout the day.
When did he become such a romantic?
But these sweet and pure moments together didn't outweigh the harshness he'd face beyond Panem's walls. He couldn't imagine himself digging into the ground for worms everyday or sitting at a lake trying to catch a fish and going days without showing in exchange for a couple smooches and a cuddle partner.
The balled up rose powder from his mom's compact moved around in his pockets, reminding him that love makes you do crazy things.
And letting Lucy Gray live was pretty damn crazy.