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It was well past one in the morning, but Haru couldn’t sleep.
Even though he’d enter seventh grade in a few months, Haru normally went to bed as early as he had in the first years of elementary school. He’d take his nightly bath by 9:30 and crawl under the warm blankets, closing his eyes and letting the lingering feeling of the water on his skin soothe him. He always fell asleep within minutes.
It wasn’t working tonight.
The reason was obvious. His carefully constructed nighttime routine had been disrupted—no, destroyed—by the presence of someone else. An intruder he’d never expected to have in his house, much less his bed, lying sprawled out beside him in a tangled mess of blankets.
But Haru had no one to blame but himself. He’d agreed to have a sleepover with Rin Matsuoka.
Well, not just with Rin. The plan (which he’d been reluctant about in the first place) had been to invite Makoto and Nagisa as well, but Nagisa’s parents wouldn’t let him stay overnight with an upperclassman they’d never met. When Makotohad cancelled too, having to wake up early the next morning for a family camping trip, Haru had started to think the universe must be conspiring against him. It had to be. How else would he have gotten here?
Rin was, somehow, just as obnoxious asleep as he was awake. He wouldn’t stop moving, tossing and turning in different directions and grabbing all the blankets for himself. Haru, meanwhile, stayed curled up on his side of the bed, motionless except for occasionally giving the blankets a rough tug to free them from Rin’s grasp, only to have Rin take them back every time. Annoying.
Just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse, Rin spoke, barely above a whisper but loud enough to cut through the silence of his pitch-black bedroom. “Hey, Nanase.”
Apparently, he hadn’t been asleep after all. Ugh. Hoping Rin would stop trying to bother him if he thought he’d fallen asleep, Haru kept his body carefully still, his breathing even. Of course, he wasn’t that lucky. Rin kept talking.
“Are you asleep?” When Haru didn’t answer, Rin went silent, and for a fleeting moment Haru thought he’d won. Then he felt the mattress shift underneath him as Rin scooted closer, pulling the blankets off Haru’s foot in the process. He frowned at the sudden exposure to the cold. Would it be too rude to make a guest sleep on the floor? “Hey. You’re awake, right?”
How Rin had figured it out, Haru had no idea, but he obviously wouldn’t leave Haru alone until he admitted it. He rolled over and opened his eyes, hoping the meager moonlight filtering through the gaps in his curtains was enough for Rin to see the glare he shot him. “Yes.”
Even in the darkness, Haru could see Rin was close—a lot closer than he’d expected. But Rin was always like that. In his personal space. Haru hated it, mostly for the way it made his face burn and his stomach clench with something he didn’t understand. When Rin sighed, Haru swore he could feel the warm breath on his cheek. “I can’t sleep.”
Haru frowned. Rin couldn’t sleep? He was the one disturbing Haru’s peace, not the other way around. Still, he obviously wanted Haru to help him, but how was he supposed to do that? When Makoto had gotten scared at their sleepovers when they were younger, it had been no big deal. Haru had just assured him the monsters weren’t real, letting him cling to the fabric of his shirt while he slept. But Rin was new, someone Haru had known less than three months. It threw him off balance.
But if he didn’t try, Rin would never shut up. “Just close your eyes and relax,” he said. “You’ll fall asleep then.”
“I tried that!” Rin’s voice was too loud, dangerously close a whine. Haru resisted the urge to roll back over and take all the covers with him. “Can’t we talk about stuff? Since you’re awake too?”
Haru considered saying no, but maybe all Rin needed to do was get his excess energy out. A conversation might tire him out enough to sleep, and then Haru could finally do the same. “Fine,” he said, suppressing a yawn.
Haru’s eyes had already adjusted to the darkness, letting him see as Rin’s eyes widened a little in surprise. “Seriously, Nanase? I thought you’d refuse.”
Why did he have to make a big deal out of it? It made an uncomfortable heat rise to Haru’s cheeks. He wasn’t used to being embarrassed—he followed his own path, not caring what others thought of him. But of course Rin had changed that like he had everything else. “If it’ll help you fall asleep, I don’t mind,” he said simply, glad it was too dark in his bedroom for Rin to notice the way his face burned.
Rin smiled at that. “Okay.” He hesitated for a moment, the silence stretching on almost uncomfortably. “What do you want to talk about?”
Haru couldn’t help but feel annoyed. Normally, it was impossible to get Rin to shut up. Why was he asking Haru to pick a topic now? “I don’t care. Whatever you want.”
Again, Rin fell silent, clearly considering it. “We could play truth or dare.”
Haru cringed automatically. When he’d said whatever, he hadn’t meant that. “No.”
“Aw, come on—”
He cut Rin off before he could even finish. “Too much work. I’m tired.”
He couldn’t make out Rin’s expression, but he was almost sure it was an annoyed pout. “I just wanted to do something fun.”
When Haru opened his mouth to speak, a yawn slipped out instead, this time one he couldn’t suppress. “Think of something else.”
“Okay, okay.” Rin shifted around again, one of his legs reaching too far into Haru’s territory and nudging him hard in the shin. Although it had obviously been an accident, Haru still felt irritation bubble up inside him. He kicked Rin’s intruding leg away, making him cry out in protest. “Hey, what was that for?”
“You kicked me,” he said, sounding petulant even in his own ears. He resented how Rin made him so willing to jump into petty arguments. He didn’t care about his time in races, but when Rin’s was higher, he burned with annoyance. His height hadn’t bothered him until he learned it was the exact same as Rin’s down to the millimeter. Then he needed to get taller, just so he could win. Like everything else about Rin, it was annoying.
Even more annoying was that, despite his kick, Rin’s leg remained too far into his space. Haru moved to nudge it away with his foot, earning a loud noise of surprise that sounded almost like a squeak.
“Your feet are so cold!” Finally, Rin withdrew his leg and returned it to his side of the bed. “Are they always like that?”
“It’s normal,” Haru said, more defensive than he’d intended. But he wasn’t the problem. It was Rin who was too warm, so warm Haru could feel the heat radiating off his body from where he lay beside him.
Rin laughed a little at that. “That makes sense. It suits you.”
Haru wasn’t sure why, but he felt a little like he was being insulted. He glared at Rin just in case he was. “Why?”
Rin shifted again—could he ever stay still?—before answering, his hold on the blankets weakening enough for Haru to finally return more of them to his side. “It matches your personality.”
Now Haru was sure he was being insulted. But it wasn’t worth the argument, so he just turned his head away with a frown. “Whatever.”
He thought Rin would just drop it after that, but he kept going, lack of sleep apparently making him talk even more than usual. “Hey, don’t get mad, Nanase. It’s just because you’re so cool.”
Haru stiffened as the blood rushed to his cheeks, hating that Rin’s words embarrassed him. Why did he have to say such weird stuff all the time? “What?”
Rin laughed suddenly, too loud like he’d forced it out. Almost nervous. “I mean…that’s just what everyone says! Everyone thinks you’re cool. At school and stuff.”
“No one says that,” Haru said, though he really had no idea if it was true or not. He didn’t pay attention.
“Yeah they do. Just not in front of you.”
Haru rolled his eyes, not bothering to ask who they were. Who cared what people said about him? He didn’t. But hearing it from Rin made his heart beat a little faster like he’d been swimming laps for ages. Or like he’d just won a race, maybe. Outside of the pool, it was an uncomfortably foreign sensation. Haru hated it.
“Can we talk about something else?” he asked, wanting to leave his embarrassment behind. Why couldn’t they just talk about swimming? Rin could usually go on for relays for ages. Haru was at least used to that by now.
But tonight, Rin went quiet instead. He’d rolled onto his back, so Haru couldn’t see his face, only hear the gentle rhythm of his breathing. Had he fallen asleep? It seemed too good to be true.
Haru waited, each minute stretching by painfully slow, expecting Rin to spring back to life and say something. After what felt like hours of silence, Haru was ready to hope that maybe, just maybe, he would finally get some peace.
But couldn’t fall asleep until he knew for sure Rin wouldn’t bother him again. He leaned closer, whispering to the still form beside him, almost too softly to be heard. “Matsuoka.”
Haru cursed himself when the sound made Rin stir, sounding wide awake when he asked, “Yeah?”
“…I thought you fell asleep.” Haru felt stupid admitting it, now. He should’ve just enjoyed the quiet while it’d lasted.
Haru felt the mattress shift as Rin rolled over to face him again. “I was just thinking about stuff. Don’t you do that when you can’t sleep?” Either Rin was able to see Haru’s confused frown in the darkness or he interpreted his silence correctly, because he continued, “You know…about the future. What you wanna do.”
“Not really.” Haru didn’t think about much of anything before falling asleep, but if he did, they were trivial things, like how much he wanted to go to the ocean. Whether or not the cat he and Makoto sometimes saw on the way to school would be there again tomorrow. How he’d need a haircut soon, before his bangs grew long enough to be bothersome.
“Seriously? Never?” Haru shook his head, and Rin sighed in response. “You have to think about that stuff sometime, Nanase! I do all the time.”
Of course he did. Thoughts of the future (what do you want to be when you grow up, Nanase-kun?) were obnoxious. Rin was obnoxious. They suited each other.
And yet…he was kind of curious. For how much Rin talked, Haru still felt like he didn’t really know him at all, much less understand what he was thinking. He wasn’t sure why he even wanted to understand someone who annoyed him so much. But there was something captivating about someone so unlike himself, who’d forcibly carved himself a place in Haru’s life and refused to leave no matter how hard he pushed him away. Rin was infuriating. Rin was…interesting. Haru wanted equally to make him go sleep in the guest room and to ask him to talk some more.
Of course, he could only do one of those things. He chose the second—because it was easier, or so he told himself. “What do you think about?” he asked, still barely loud enough to be heard.
He didn’t have to see Rin to know he was smiling, broad and bright the way he always did when Haru paid attention to him. “It’s not the same every night. It can really be anything.”
Haru frowned. What an irritating answer. “Tonight, then.”
“What was I thinking of tonight?” Haru nodded. When Rin continued, his voice was softer than before, almost hesitant. “Just…about when we’re older.” He paused for a moment, shifting around and brushing his legs against Haru’s again in the process. Haru didn’t bother to shove him away this time.
Finally, Rin spoke again. “Do you…think you’ll ever fall in love, Nanase?”
The words sent Haru’s eyes flying wide open, the blood rushing to his face and making his cheeks burn. He’d expected Rin to say something about swimming or his friends, not…that. It was so unexpected it sent his heart beating into overdrive. With anyone else, he would’ve ignored such a ridiculous question, but that wouldn’t work with Rin. He basically had to answer, but he couldn’t until he managed to calm down a little.
“I…don’t think about it,” he said at last, because it wasn’t a lie. He didn’t think about it. Or rather he hadn’t until now.
Haru didn’t even think about liking someone, not the way his classmates had started to, whispering secrets behind their hands, revealing who they thought was the cutest between giggles. He was an outsider to that world, but he didn’t care. If he could swim, he was satisfied.
He tried to imagine himself falling in love. He had limited experience with romance movies, but they made it seem like a bother—contrived misunderstandings, chasing after them and begging them to stay, lots of crying. Why would he want something like that?
And who was he supposed to fall in love with? The girl he talked to most? That was Aki, and while Haru liked her, she didn’t make him feel anything special. Really, he had the closest bond with Makoto. Them both being boys didn’t really bother Haru, but he still couldn’t see it. Makoto felt more like the sibling he’d never had. And Nagisa was totally out of the question. Considering his limited social circle, that just left…
…No, he wasn’t even going to consider that. He could hardly handle being in the same swim club as Rin. Much less…anything else.
Haru’s heart was thundering so loud that he almost didn’t hear when Rin responded to his answer. “Oh. Really?” He was obviously disappointed, though why Haru had no idea.
“Yeah,” Haru said, feeling suddenly, unpleasantly warm. He wanted to say something more, ask have you thought about it?, but the words seemed to catch in his throat.
“You don’t ever wonder about it?” Rin asked, and Haru wondered how he wasn’t too embarrassed to want to drop this already. “Like…how would you know?”
“Know what?”
“If you were in love with someone.”
Why did Rin expect him to know that? In the movies, they fell in love just by looking at each other, their eyes meeting across the room and inspiring an instant connection. Haru always thought that was stupid. For lack of a better answer, he said, “You’d just know. Don’t think too hard about it.”
Rin actually laughed at him, soft giggles he tried in vain to suppress with his hand. “Of course you’d say that.”
Haru was growing tired of the way his face burned perpetually around Rin—it was like having a fever. Being on fire from the inside out. Because Rin couldn’t stop being embarrassing.
He rolled over onto his other side, facing away from Rin in an attempt to calm down a little. “Shut up. Let’s go to sleep.”
Before he could even close his eyes, Rin called after him. “Wait, Nanase! I thought we were gonna talk!”
“We did. I’m tired now.” It wasn’t a lie, exactly—Haru had been exhausted when they started, and now it was nearly two in the morning. His eyelids felt heavy, his throat uncomfortably dry. It was way past his bedtime. Of course, his sudden rejection had a lot to do with how their conversation left him flustered, but he wasn’t about to admit that.
“Nanase, please.” Rin reached out and shook his shoulder, obviously desperate. “I can’t sleep.”
Haru refused to turn around, determined not to give in to Rin’s pleas. “You said that already.”
“I know, but…” Rin trailed off, going quiet for so long Haru would’ve thought he’d fallen asleep again if it hadn’t been for his grip on Haru’s shoulder. “I…can’t sleep without my pillow.”
He said the last part so softly Haru wasn’t sure if he’d heard it correctly. “What?”
“My pillow,” Rin repeated, more forcefully this time, his embarrassment obvious in the way he choked out the words. “I always…hold it when I sleep, and I left it at home.”
The distress in his voice was enough to make Haru shake Rin’s hand away and roll onto his back, letting them see each other again. “Why?” he asked, not understanding why Rin would willingly deprive himself of a vital part of his sleep routine.
Even in the darkness, Haru could see Rin turn his head away when he spoke. “It’s…weird, right? Like something a little kid would do.”
Haru shrugged. It was childish, but Rin was childish, for reasons that had nothing to do with his favorite pillow. Did he really think Haru would make fun of him over something like that? “I don’t care. If you need it, it’s fine.”
Rin’s eyes widened in amazement. “Really, Nanase? You wouldn’t have minded?” When Haru shook his head, Rin let out a disappointed groan. “I should’ve just brought it…”
Haru frowned. “Can’t you use something else?”
“Do you have extra pillows?”
They did somewhere, but Haru wasn’t about to leave the warm comfort of his bed—or send Rin wandering around in the dark to find them. He’d probably break something by mistake. But if Haru didn’t do something, Rin would never get to sleep. And, worse, never shut up. He slid his own pillow out from under his neck and shoved it in Rin’s direction. “Here.”
Rin caught it with a surprised sound. “N-nanase?”
“Just take it,” he mumbled, hoping Rin wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.
“But how will you be able to sleep now?” Rin asked, as if he hadn’t already wrapped his arms around the pillow and held it close.
“It’s not that bad. I’ll be able to sleep if you’re quiet.” Haru settled down again, curling up as best he could without a pillow. It really was uncomfortable, but it was only for tonight.
“Okay…” Rin shifted around for what was hopefully the last time that night, lying on his side facing Haru. “Thanks, Nanase. I owe you.”
“It’s fine.” Haru closed his eyes, hoping Rin would take the hint. “Just sleep.”
Haru heard the rustle of fabric that probably meant Rin had wrapped his arms even tighter around the pillow. “Okay. Goodnight, Nanase.”
“Goodnight.” When Rin didn’t respond, Haru finally relaxed, savoring the silence. He pulled the blankets tighter around himself, savoring the warmth of his bed as he began to drift.
But exhausted as he was, it was only when he heard Rin’s breathing even beside him that Haru, too, surrendered himself to sleep at last.
-
“Hey, Haru. You still awake?”
Rin’s spoke softly, but close enough to his ear to pull Haru out of his near-slumber. He might have been annoyed, but this didn’t happen often. Rin went to sleep later, but he was always careful not to disturb his boyfriend when climbing in bed and pressing their bodies close. Even if it did wake him up, Haru didn’t mind. Rin was warm.
But if Rin woke him up on purpose, it was because he couldn’t sleep. Which almost always meant he was thinking about something he shouldn’t be. It didn’t happen much anymore, but Haru took the time to reassure him when it did. So even though he wanted to go back to sleep, he opened his eyes and forced himself further awake. “Yeah.”
“I was just thinking…”
Haru untangled himself from Rin’s grasp and rolled over so they could face each other. Their legs brushed together under the blankets as Haru pressed his cold feet against Rin’s hot skin to warm them up. Rin didn’t even flinch anymore—he was used to it. “About what?”
Rin hesitated in the way he always did when he was unsure of something. Haru could read him by now. “Do you remember our first sleepover?”
Of course Haru remembered, even though it had been over a decade ago—he remembered everything about Rin, each moment burned into his memory, for better or for worse, both the extraordinary and the mundane. Rin had woken him up then, too, but he decided not to mention it. “Yeah.”
Rin relaxed at his words, like he still needed the affirmation even after so long together. “You remember what we talked about?”
Haru, unfortunately, recalled every detail, and felt himself grow a little embarrassed from the memory alone. Rin had been so obvious, but Haru hadn’t caught on to his crush, much less realized his own feelings.
But that didn’t matter. They were together now, and that was worth years of uncomfortable misunderstandings. He leaned in closer, savoring the heat of Rin’s body against his, still quietly amazed, sometimes, at how lucky he was. “I remember,” he said, letting his eyes slip closed, automatically calmed by their closeness.
Rin laughed a little, softly, but Haru didn’t miss the way it shook a little. He was still flustered. “I sure said some embarrassing stuff back then, huh…”
“You still say embarrassing things,” Haru said, unable to pass up the opportunity to tease a little.
“Shut up.” Haru suppressed a smile at how Rin didn’t even bother to deny it. “I was worse back then.”
Haru recalled how Rin used to drape himself all over Haru, saying Nanase this and Nanase that, talking too loud with his face too close. “Yeah. You were.”
“I can’t believe I asked you about being in love…” Haru didn’t have to open his eyes to know Rin was blushing—just the reminder of that conversation had Haru a little red in the face. How had he not realized Rin’s feelings right away?
But Rin wouldn’t wake Haru up in the middle of the night just to embarrass himself. There was still something else he had to say. Haru opened his eyes, his gaze meeting Rin’s as he found their faces mere inches apart. “Why were you thinking about that?” he asked, keeping his voice deliberately soft.
“I remembered what I asked you.” Rin reached out and ran a hand through Haru’s hair, brushing his bangs from his face. Haru relaxed instinctively into the touch. “So I was wondering, uh. How did you know?”
“That I was in love with you?”
The words left Haru’s lips easily—not because they didn’t mean a lot, but because they were true, and Rin knew it. There was no point in denying it, even if he didn’t go around saying it all the time. But they left Rin flustered, struggling to find his voice again before speaking. “Yeah. That.”
Haru considered it. How had he known?
Some moments with Rin stood out above the rest. He still could feel Rin rip his arm from his grasp on that cold day in middle school, see him turn and run out of his life forever. Years later had been the sensation of Rin’s hot tears hitting his face, the ache in his chest when he realized the Rin he’d known so long ago was finally back to stay. And Haru would never forget the way his heart had practically stopped beating when Rin laid his feelings bare in a foreign hotel room, said I’ve always admired you like it was a confession of something more.
There were smaller things, too, that he cherished just as much: the ridiculous essay Rin had written for elementary school graduation, the way he smiled when he caught Haru’s eye across the parking lot before a high school tournament. But none of those moments had made him fall for Rin. It was all of them, all of him. It had happened gradually, quietly, until one day he’d realized, and everything had changed.
It wasn’t the romantic reveal Rin was probably hoping for, but it was them. For Haru, that was enough.
“I was right,” he said finally.
Rin shot him a confused look. “Huh?”
“I was right,” Haru repeated. “Back then. It wasn’t anything special. I just knew.”
Rin smiled, so warm and bright that Haru couldn’t help but smile back, a slight barely-there quirk of his mouth. “That’s just like you,” he said, and Haru wondered if he realized he’d said the same thing back then, too. In some ways, they weren’t that different from their first sleepover.
But at the same time, they were different. Very different. After all, at age twelve, Haru hadn’t believed he’d ever fall in love.
Much as he wanted to savor the warm feeling of Rin’s skin on his own for a little longer, Haru’s eyelids were heavy with an overwhelming need for sleep, and they both had to wake up early in the morning. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Rin’s cheek, hoping to further calm him down. “Can you sleep now?”
The kiss worked, Rin relaxing against him with a smile still on his face “Yeah. Goodnight, Haru.” Before he could respond, Rin leaned in and pressed their lips together, so soft and fleeting it was barely a kiss. “I love you.”
Haru no longer resented the way Rin made a warmth spread through his body. It was from affection, now, not embarrassment, and he wasn’t confused anymore—he knew exactly what he was feeling. He closed his eyes, repositioning them so he could rest his head on Rin’s chest, enjoying the heat he radiated. “I love you too.”
Rin pulled him closer at that, but Haru could tell he fell asleep easily by the way his breathing grew slow and regular. It took Haru took longer to drift off again, but he couldn’t resent Rin for keeping him awake—tonight, the first time, or any of the others in between.
After all, he thought, letting himself be calmed by the steady rhythm of Rin’s heart, some things were worth losing sleep over.