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“When it comes to life, we spin our own yarn, and where we end up is really, in fact, where we always intended to be.”
― Julia Glass, Three Junes
It’s ironic that when I saw Tim’s back at that gala, I thought my life was over when, in fact, it was just about to begin…
I thank my lucky stars every day that I found the courage to break my promise one final time…
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I have a proposal, Skippy, I began, and he raised his eyebrows at the word. You don’t have to answer me now, but I beg you with my whole heart to consider it.
He fixed his eyes on me the moment I walked in but said nothing. The hospital ward was empty at this time, just after 8.30pm. It’s outside visiting hours, Mr Fuller, the nurse said but I must have looked really desperate, so she just waved a hand and said: “Don’t be long.” I stood by his bed with my fingers nervously tugging at the zipper of my jacket. Might have been the hope speaking but, for a brief second, I saw something on his face when I started talking. Expectation? Impatience? Relief?
Yes, I know you were not expecting to see me again. Yes, I’ve broken all the promises I’ve made, but only for you. Yes, I am aware that you finally got somewhere after the gala, when you got all the media attention that you needed. Of course, I am thrilled for you and for the cause. But that’s a huge part of the reason I have returned to you today. Please, just listen and then you can throw me out.
They can’t ignore you anymore, Skippy, and nobody would. You know that New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, New Mexico, Oregon, Washington and Wisconsin now have adopted policies prohibiting discrimination against AIDS.*
Yes, I have memorised each of them. Yes, it means as much to me as it does to you. HRSA funded their first AIDS program at $15.3 Million, to be distributed in the country’s hardest-hit cities: New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Miami.** You’ve started an avalanche. And this is just the beginning. Marcus, Frankie and Jerome are fierce warriors, Skippy, and the cause will be in good hands.
Please, think of yourself for once…
You only have a few months left, you said. I know this. I have hardly slept since I have found out that my boy won’t always be there to save me when life is a heartless villain. But a few months can also be a whole life, if spent in happiness and peace. And it’s more than what many of us get in in a lifetime. A few months is way more than the time I have spent with you for 30 years. Give me every minute of it. I am going to make it count, I promise. I want my TIM and we still have TIME.
So, what is it, Hawk? He finally spoke, and the spark of hope reignited again. A chance, he was willing to give me a chance to tell him about this. It’s a villa, Skippy. An old, picturesque Italian villa in Tuscany. I have a photo of it in my wallet. Here. The place on the water with a nice view, remember? Where I can eat what…, and fuck who you want, he added. Yes, I remember, Hawk and I am sorry…
Hope fizzled out like a burned firework and landed next to us with a thud. I know, there was never much hope that you’d say Yes, but let me finish because I have nobody else to share it with. He kept nodding and repeating “Sorry” and something indistinct passed through his face for a second.
When you said you were wasting away and disappearing a little every day - I felt that. No, please don't turn to the wall, blinking away the tears. I'd hate it if your fighting spirit withered between these hospital walls. He moved a finger over his lips to conceal the twitch. But I'd hate it most if you were left alone in this.
I only have to travel to Milan for meetings, but my post will not require me to meet anyone significant in the next seven months, I continued. And even then, it will be only for a few hours. Charity balls and events are almost non-existent at this time of the year. You’d have top medical care; Livorno and Florence’s hospitals are a stone’s throw away. I have enquired and I know they’d do miracles to please the Deputy Consul of Milan…
Looks like you have thought about it all, Hawk, he muttered, and “Sorry” stood between us again. You have always been strong, I carried on, and you have touched so many lives. Now you are allowed to be weak if you want to.
Around the clock nurse will live with us in the small caretaker house on the other side of these flower patches, beneath the pine trees. Right here where my finger is. I can get my hands on a home defibrillator and limitless supply of your immunotherapy drugs and painkillers. Being a diplomat has its financial (and other) advantages after all, I finished with a bitter smile and stood up. I know it’s crazy, I know you can’t, but I wanted to check if my dream can become OUR dream. I had to. We have missed too much, so I at least had to try…
He mouthed 'I can't…' into his pillow and I nodded with a sigh.
I am sorry, he raised his voice as I was getting ready to leave. He spoke slowly, as if inventing the words that came out of his mouth. I am sorry that my cooking skills have never surpassed that chicken noodle soup from a packet level. So, eating what you want might not be possible. And, he vaguely waved at himself, I would hardly consider myself fuckable, so there goes that part as well. Way to ruin your sexy dream. And I am sorry, but I will have to make you bring my truckload of books over there. Oh, and I’ll need extra blankets. Perhaps some weighted cotton fabric squares for a quilt, and a red ribbon too. Several safety pins and a seam ripper while we are at it. And a constant supply of ripe Italian grapes, santini tomatoes and peaches to fix that bitter medicinal aftertaste. Plus, I will need warm cuddles each night. Loads of them. Are you sure you know what you are getting yourself into?
He smiled and a shaky hand sought mine. I gathered him in my arms, kissed his grey lips and cried many happy tears in his hair…
We were going home!
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