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Katsuki never really understood the fuss about soulmates.
And why would he? He didn’t need some stupid ‘higher power’ to tell him who he was compatible with. Waiting for someone who you might not even meet in your life seemed pointless, especially when there are people you enjoy spending time with. He had better things to than care what name will appear on your wrist once you turn eighteen. How could someone – the universe, nevertheless – know better than him who he should love and who would love him back?
Katsuki didn’t believe in higher powers. After all, he knew the best what was, well, the best for him. No one and nothing else did.
This mindset only strengthened when he met Izuku. He remembered himself declaring him and Izuku soulmates when they were kids, and the younger boy going with it with just as much enthusiasm as him.
Then Izuku became Deku, and the concept of soulmates became uninteresting and completely useless once again. It stayed like that for the longest time, especially when he found himself focusing on getting into U.A. and becoming a hero more and more.
Then Deku got a quirk. Then Deku stood up to him and suddenly, the abyss between them was even more prominent. Katsuki found himself way behind Deku. Deku, who shone brighter and brighter every day in the academy. Deku, who saved him from the sludge villain despite being quirkless, Deku who saved him when he got kidnapped despite Katsuki’s incessant attempts to bring him down and shove him away.
(Deku never backed up. He stayed by Katsuki’s side and became a constant he couldn’t imagine his life without.)
Through it all, Katsuki’s opinion about soulmates never changed. Maybe it was thanks to it all – thanks to the bullying, thanks to Deku never taking his eyes off him despite everything Katsuki had put him through, thanks to them growing closer once again when Katsuki finally got his head out of his ass and apologized.
He didn’t need a soulmark to know that there was no one who could complete him like Izuku did. He was sure it would be Deku’s name appearing on his wrist. He felt it when their lips met and they kissed, felt it when his palms sparked when Izuku looked at him with those big, adoring eyes of his, felt it when they held each other through the nights, the other’s presence chasing away their nightmares. But the relationship between him and Deku was all them; their effort, their feelings, their past. No invisible power could steal the spotlight of what they built for themselves.
Then the war happened, and it all came crashing down when Izuku’s heart stopped beating. And with Deku dead, the whole idea of soulmates became pointless. It never crossed Katsuki’s mind.
Not until someone brought up the topic of soulmates, two weeks before Katsuki’s birthday.
It wasn’t all that surprising that until that point they never really talked about it. They had more pressing matters – like fighting a war and then trying to keep their traumatized lives together. Katsuki was the oldest from the whole class, therefore he would be the first to receive his soulmark, but his classmates were smart enough to not talk about it in front of him.
The students of Class B, however, weren’t.
It was Shiozaki who brought up the topic of soulmates. How and why she knew when Katsuki’s birthday was, he didn’t know, nor did he care. What he did care about, though, was her interrupting his lunch with the extras he called his friends.
Despite everything that had happened, the rivalry between the two classes was still more than present, so it was rather unusual when she suddenly appeared by their table, making their conversation quiet down instantly.
“The fuck you want?” Katsuki asked, straight to the point as usual. He wasn’t in the mood to talk with anyone else. His temper, which was bad before the shitshow of a war, had gotten even worse after Izuku died. His class had gotten used to his personality – that’s what fighting and surviving a fucking war does to a bunch of children – but that didn’t mean the rest of the world knew.
“You shouldn’t be so rude, Bakugo-kun,” she chastised him, which would have been enough for him to stood up from his seat had Kirishima not slammed a hand on his shoulder. “I come in peace. We –” she nodded towards her table where other people from Class B sat, watching them with big eyes – “were talking about birthdays and, well, you’re turning eighteen in about two weeks, right?”
Squinting his eyes, Katsuki put his chopsticks down. “What about it?”
The look she gave him was nearly incredulous. He was aware that by now, nearly the whole cafeteria was looking at them – probably expecting to see him explode.
Not like it would be the first time.
“And you don’t seem excited at all!” she threw her hands in the air, as if her exclamation explained anything.
In the corner of his eyes he saw the extras shifting. Ashido was shaking her head slightly, Kaminari mimicking locking of one’s lips.
“The fuck does me being eighteen have to do with anything, vine freak?” So he’s going to be an adult. Newsflash, none of them have been kids since the war. What was he supposed to celebrate, the fact he will have to do his taxes soon? Or that he could legally drink now, which was something he wasn’t even interested in the first place?
She rolled her eyes in clear annoyance. “Oh come on, not even you can be this dense.”
Kaminari’s hand joined Kirishima’s on his other shoulder, but that didn’t stop his palms from sparking. She was really pushing her luck.
“I’m talking about your soulmark!” Shiozaki said. “You know, the one you get when you turn eighteen. Some of us already have theirs so we were wondering –”
“My soulmate’s dead.”
Silence fell over the dining hall. He saw the entirety of Class A freeze.
Not like it mattered. The room was slowly slipping away, replaced by his heartbeat growing louder and getting quicker.
“What?” she asked, confused. “You have yet to know the name of your soulmate! You can’t possibly -”
Katsuki slapped his hands on the table, pushing through to stand up despite his friends’ efforts to keep him down. “I don’t care what name will appear on my wrist.” His palms were heating, but he didn’t bother with taking them off the table. If he did, he would just blast her off. “Izuku is dead, and that’s it. My soulmate is dead, so why the fuck should I give a fuck about a name appearing on my skin? It won’t change anything. I’m saying this one and only time - I don’t care about this soulmate bullshit. I’m done. So fuck off and mind your own business.”
His chest felt heavier than before when he took the next breath and his eyes stung with what must have been the consequences of his quirk. Definitely.
Not caring a bit - not about the vine girl looking at him with a mixture of guilt and fear, not about the tears in his classmates’ eyes upon the mention of Izuku, not about the pity visible on other students’ faces when they realized that they - that Katsuki was far from fine despite going on with his life as if the war didn’t happen - Katsuki took the tray with his half-eaten tonkatsu and left the cafeteria, returning the tray to its place.
No one tried to stop him, even though he heard his friends run after him.
And soon enough, the squad caught up to him. The path to Ground Beta was a familiar one and he took the long way as he had quite a lot of free time before the start of their next class, thanks to the vine bitch interrupting lunchtime.
“Bakugo -”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he interrupted Ashido before she could continue.
“Okay,” Kirishima rushed in to say. “Are you okay with us following?”
Katsuki still stared ahead, but he slowly nodded. Without hesitating, the group fell in step with him. He let out a humorless chuckle. Look at him, actually communicating his feelings.
Deku would be proud.
(Deku wasn’t there to see it, even when he deserved it the most.)
For a while, they walked in relative silence, the others whispering something between themselves from time to time. Unsurprisingly, it was Kaminari who broke it.
“We all miss him,” he started, obviously not afraid to die by Katsuki’s hand. “I mean - I know it’s not the same. You two are, well, you two. But if you ever wanna talk about it, we’re here.”
Katsuki knew that. Of course he knew that. They went through hell together.
But that didn’t change the fact that what he and Izuku had couldn’t compare to anything else. No words were enough to describe their relationship.
He stayed silent.
“Do you…” Kirishima hesitated, and Katsuki already knew what he was going to ask. “Do you really think that you and Mido are soulmates?”
‘I don’t care’ was at the tip of his tongue, but he stopped himself, offering a more truthful answer instead. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
He didn’t need to look back at them to know they were looking at each other. “So you do think so,” Jiro stated.
Katsuki stopped walking, making Kirishima bump into him with a yelp and instantly uttering an apology that Katsuki didn’t need to hear.
“I don’t think so,” Katsuki told them, closing his eyes. “I know so.”
Because if he was wrong, then the universe didn’t know him at all.
There were very few things certain in Katsuki’s life. But if there was something he knew without doubts, it was that he and Izuku were made for each other. They were the opposite sides of the same coin, starting when the other ended, complementing each other in every way possible.
Win to save, save to win.
(In the end, they saved everyone, and yet Katsuki didn’t feel like the winner.)
“I can’t explain it,” he continued, surprising them and himself, “but I… Izuku and I…”
What was he even trying to say?
“I’m so sorry, Bakugo,” Kirishima whispered.
He clenched his jaw and finally opened his eyes, staring at the sky. “So am I,” he whispered, the words a painful echo of his broken heart.
~~~
After his stunt in the lunchroom, no one brought up the topic of soulmates again. Nothing really changed, apart from the fact that he had gotten himself simple, black bands that covered his forearms that weren’t so different from the covers on his hero suit.
If anyone was surprised, they didn’t voice their feelings. Asking would be pointless – he wouldn’t say a word and they already knew all they needed to know.
None of the teachers commented on it either, neither was he reprimanded for causing trouble. Although Katsuki caught All Might staring at the bands a few times, the former hero looking like he was about to say something, he never did in the end. He was glad because he wasn’t sure he could bear whatever the man would say.
The days went by swiftly and soon, the dreaded day of his birthday came.
Katsuki couldn’t sleep. Not like that was surprising; these days his nights were filled with nightmares and terrors he couldn’t get rid of no matter how hard he tried. Which was why he didn’t even bother with sleeping that night. There was no way his dreams wouldn’t be filled with green eyes and scarred hands and so much red he wouldn’t be able to look at the reflection of his own eyes in the mirror without trowing up.
Once midnight passed, he moved to the kitchen. He needed to occupy himself with something and while studying could be a good alternative, he couldn’t bring himself to focus.
Katsuki was a man enough to admit to himself that he lied when he told the others he didn’t care about his soulmark. If there was one thing society was obsessed about as much as quirks, it was soulmates. And while the name he would receive changed nothing, it did make him a little bit nervous and restless.
Maybe more than just a little bit.
(He would carve the name out of his skin if it wasn’t Izuku’s.)
It was stupid. The soulmark could appear anytime through the day, there was exactly zero need to stress about it.
He wasn’t surprised when first one of the extras found his way to the common room sometime after 1 a.m. Fucking Todoroki stood at the kitchen’s entrance, staring at him as if he could see inside his soul. His eyes shifted to the ingredients Katsuki was cutting, taking in his actions.
“Are you making katsudon?”
Katsuki made a point of not looking his way, the knife hitting the cutting board a little harder than before.
So what if he was. It wasn’t like it would go uneaten, even if he was making enough to fill a small army. As soon as the thought crossed his mind, the irony of it made him grit his teeth.
Not really expecting an answer, Todoroki moved to the tables and sat down, content on watching him work.
Whatever.
Kirishima and Kaminari appeared at half past two. “What’s he makin’?” Kirishima asked Todoroki as the two seated themselves next to him.
“Katsudon.”
“Ah.”
Katsuki tuned them out. Kaminari fiddled with his phone from time to time. The three silently conversed and in the meantime, other people slowly appeared. Shinso, who transferred to their class at the beginning of the second year, then the rest of his group, Yaoyorozu with Uraraka, and by the time he started frying the meat, all of his classmates were there.
To his own surprise, he found himself not minding. On the contrary. Their presence was calming, even. It reminded him that no matter what, he didn’t have to deal with this bullshit alone.
Not that he would ever admit that aloud.
“Y’all should stop being stupid and go back to sleep,” he said finally, a ghost of a smile crossing his lips when they jerked, startled by the suddenness of his voice.
“Sleep is for the weak,” Shinso muttered with his head resting against Kaminari’s shoulder. The rest just hummed in response.
Katsuki tsked but said nothing. It was too early to deal with emotional talks. Instead, he took two already filled bowls and slid them across the table. Kaminari immediately stole one for himself while the other was taken by Todoroki.
“Eat. So you have energy when you’re wasting it by not sleeping,” Katsuki instructed, already turning his back to them to fill more bowls.
They didn’t protest. And honestly, eating katsudon at 3 a.m. was one of the least weird things Class A had done.
He was filling one of the last bowls when a blinding pain exploded on his right forearm, so unexpected the bowl fell out of his grip and shattered om the ground. He let out a hiss, clutching the hand to his chest.
Fuck, this couldn’t be happening. Not yet.
He wasn’t ready.
The pain was gone in just a matter of seconds but it still left him breathless. He had backed up, his back pressing against the fridge. In the dim kitchen lights he stared at his right hand, bare apart from the band hiding his soulmark.
His soulmark. His soulmate’s name.
He didn’t want to look.
He couldn’t look.
Katsuki wasn’t sure what he feared more – that he would find Izuku’s name written on his skin, or that there would be someone else’ name.
He stared at the band, hands shaking and chest heavy with shallow breaths. It won’t change anything, a part of his mind chanted, while the other opposed, but it might.
He couldn’t do it.
“Bakugo.”
That was Todoroki’s voice, calling out to him from across the counter. When Katsuki finally looked up, he found the whole class staring at him.
Fucking hell.
On instinct, Katsuki gritted his teeth and willed his hands to hung by his sides. “What?” he hissed, trying and failing at keeping the panic in his voice at bay. “Eat your katsudon, Icyhot, there’s nothing to see here.”
It was clearly defensive, bordering on aggressive, and they got the memo quickly. The extras returned to eating while he knelt to clean the mess he had made, working on steadying his trembling hands.
Something about their reaction, or lack of thereof, had him grimacing. When did they become so close the extras could tell when he needed space and when not to push?
(Was it after Deku disappeared for the first time so he could play vigilante? Or was it when they found him holding his partner’s lifeless body? Or maybe when he broke down in the classroom, completely out of nowhere, and just cried as the reality of never ever seeing, hugging, kissing Izuku again hit him?)
He got rid of the shards and scattered food, taking another bowl and serving a new portion automatically. He said nothing when Koda thanked him, too busy dealing with his own mind to care about what was going on.
It didn’t take him long to join the rest of the class. He sat down, staring at the damn katsudon in front of him. It was Kirishima’s suble nudge that made him start eating, and after that, Sero stirred up the debate by complaining about an upcoming math test.
Katsuki ate. From time to time, he picked up what was said but mostly the words were just a rustle flowing by.
“I was talking about with Kendo-san,” Hagaruke was saying when Katsuki finally tuned in on the conversation. “Apparently it’s not that hard? She said something about timing -”
“I’m not going to show you,” Katsuki spoke up, stopping her mid-sentence.
All heads snapped to him. He kept his eyes on the katsudon. “The soulmark. So you’re wasting your time if you’re waiting for that.”
Pushing people away had always been Katsuki’s specialty. It was way easier than having to deal with feelings and all the complicated stuff that came with relationships of any kind.
Students of Class A, however, were never the ones to back away.
“I don’t care about soulmarks,” Todoroki said. “I’m here for free food. Although soba would be better,” he deadpanned.
Asui chimed in, sounding as disinterested as Todoroki: “Some studies also show that staying up all night night help you if you have trouble sleeping, kero.”
“Oh man, I hope that’s true,” Kaminari whined. “I haven’t had a good sleep in forever.”
“I must note that Dark Shadow enjoys the additional company,” Tokoyami remarked.
Katsuki didn’t know why he expected anything else. They were all the same kind of fucked-up, after all.
He grumbled, leaning back against the chair. “You better eat it all ‘cause I ain’t dealing with the dishes.”
The atmosphere cleared significantly as a wave o groans and instant shouts filled the room.
When they left for classes in the morning, most of them were nursing a cup of tea or coffee. And for just a moment, Katsuki’s worries felt insignificant.
(If only Izuku could be with them. The nerd always wanted a big family.)
~~~
Ignoring your problems doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Katsuki knew that - he was the master when it came to ignorance, after all.
That didn’t stop him from not taking off the bands - both of them, even if only the right one covered the soulmark. He didn’t have enough trust in himself to not look and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to find out the truth.
Death of a loved one changes people. Grief and survivor guilt even more so. It scarred him so deep Katsuki just knew, with absolute certainty, that he could never love anyone but Izuku.
It was why he kept going. Why he got up from his bed every day, why he trained and studied even more vehemently than before. They were supposed to become heroes, the best ones. Deku did it - he became the number one, the best, and how could Dynamight ever call himself his partner if he slacked?
He had to keep going. Izuku would yell at him for giving up and disappointing Izuku was the last thing Katsuki wanted to do. So he chased their dream, even when he felt like exploding.
For Izuku. Always for Izuku.
So he kept on going, just like he kept on avoiding the mark on his wrist because he didn’t know he could keep on going if he was reminded that he was on his own for the rest o his life.
When it all blew up in his face, quite literally, it was during combat training exercise - because of course it was. If some higher power truly existed, Katsuki was sure it was laughing its ass off at him.
While luck definitely wasn’t on his side (because if it did, none of this would have happened), he was just glad it wasn’t a joint exercise with Class B. Katsuki was sure that would have ended up pretty differently and with much more destruction.
What exactly happened wasn’t totally clear either. One moment he was running with Kirishima by his side towards Todoroki and Shinso, and the next moment an explosion that wasn’t his own rippled through the cave system they were in. The ground beneath his feet disappeared and then he was falling, the rubble that used to be the cave’s ceiling coming down with and top of him.
He threw his arms and kicked in an attempt to stop the free fall, to latch onto something but the only thing he achieved was getting scrapes and scratches allover his hands and body.
The impact hurt. He had managed to roll onto his side to shield vital organs, but he heard the cracking of his bones even through the whistling in his ears. And judging by the pain, he broke his arm and probably a few ribs too.
As quickly as he could, he dragged himself away from the enter of the hole, propping himself up against a wall.
The noise and slide ceased at last.
Mostly, at least.
“Bakugo!”
“C’mon, bro, give us a sign!”
“Are you okay?”
Did they have to be so goddamn loud? He rubbed his forehead but the pain persisted. Great, just great. Could this be even worse?
Judging by the blood he had smeared all over his face, i could.
“Bakugo!”
“Shut up, idiots! Can’t you be any louder?” he yelled back finally.
A pause, followed by short, nearly hysterical laugh. “He’s alright,” he heard Kirishima say.
“Bakugo, status report,” Todoroki instructed.
His voice came from directly above him, so Katsuki tilted his head back. Deciding that properly assessing his situation was well overdue, he stayed like that for a minute.
The explosion created a hole about five meters in diameter. The height was significantly bigger; maybe fifteen meters, if not more. Thanks to Todoroki’s fire, he could see the three of them standing at the edge of the hole, staring down at him.
Lowering his head, Katsuki looked around himself. He let out a few sparks and it was enough ti realize that most of the debris fell on one side of the hole, blocking the way. To his left there was an opening, big enough that he could fit there crouched. And if the slight breeze coming from the direction was anything to go by, it was his way out of this hellhole.
He must have fallen to a lower level of the cave system.
“Bakugo,” Todoroki insisted, worry visible in his tone.
“Right arm broken,” he rasped out. Fuck, it was his bad hand too. “And some ribs but breathing’s normal so that’s not a problem.” Probably.
“What about concussion?”
“Doesn’t feel like it.” Small miracles. Moving would be much harder if his head was spinning.
Katsuki moved to his knees, grimacing when that motion pulled at his sore torso. He pushed through the pain and slowly started raising himself to his feet.
“What the hell are you doing?!” Kirishima screamed. “You shouldn’t move!”
As if. “My legs are fine. Spine too. Ain’t no way I’m waiting down here.” He was a hero, not some helpless civilian. “There’s a path and I think it leads outside. I can feel wind.”
They weren’t that deep into the mountain when the explosion went off and it seemed that whatever it was ceased. He couldn’t stay in one place and wait for rescue because the sides of the hole were too sheer to climb. What more, they couldn’t wait inside the caves just in case another explosion would happen; better not risk their lives too.
He was pretty sure he will live. He had been through way worse than a few broken bones and some bleeding.
“Bakugo is right.”And fuck Shinso for sounding so unhappy about admitting that. “I remember the plan of the cave system Aizawa-sensei showed us. There was another entrance beneath the one we came from. If the infrastructure wasn’t damaged, it should be safe to use.”
That’s what he was talking about. “Great. See you on the other side, then.”
Kirishima’s resigned sigh at Katsuki’s wording was loud enough to reach him. He grinned to himself, though it morphed into a grimace.
“We’ll bring help,” Kirshima assured him.
“Yeah, yeah. Now scatter finally.”
Although they weren’t too happy about it, it was the best they could do.
Katsuki wasted no time. With his left hand, he reached for the bandages and the tourniquet he kept in his belt. His right arm was bleeding heavily and he didn’t want to risk it more than necessary. Swiftly, he applied the tourniquet, for once glad that Recovery Girl had them practicing first aid for hours. He couldn’t write the time of application on it but he doubted he would be stuck here for longer than two hours.
As he worked, Katsuki’s fingers brushed against his wrist.
His bare wrist.
His breath hitched. Suddenly he was glad for the lack of light.
Sometime during the fall, the band that covered his soulmark got torn apart.
Maybe staying in one place wouldn’t be that bad. Maybe he could pass out and hope that someone would cover it before he could see.
Katsuki Bakugo wasn’t afraid of anything but fuck was he a coward when it came to Izuku Midoriya.
Get to safety, a commanding voice that sounded exactly like Deku resonated through his mind. He could almost hear him. The Kacchan I love would never give up. Definitely not because of something as trivial as soulmark, right?
He squeezed his eyes. “Right,” he muttered to himself.
He had to face it eventually, no matter how much he didn’t want to.
He started walking, using the wall as both a support and a navigator. His pace was slower than he would like to but at least it was steady. From time to time, he let out a few sparks just to see if there was any obstacle he needed to be on lookout for but he didn’t dare to utilize more of his quirk.
The daylight was nearly blinding.
He had to shield his eyes when the entrance revealed itself, coming to a stop when he realized he couldn’t continue. The entrance did lead outside o the mountain, sure, but it was more of a hole in the middle of the mountain. What would follow if he made one more step was another fall, although this one would be deadly.
Katsuki groaned. He couldn’t do anything but wait now.
He sat at the edge of the entrance, pointedly staring at the forest beneath him.
There was no telling how much time he had before help arrived and there was no way he would let someone else see his soulmark before him so he really should look.
But.
But Katsuki was scared.
He was scared because Izuku had been by his side all his life. He was there to cheer him up, he was there to help him become a better person, he was there to scare away the nightmares.
Izuku was his first laugh, first tears, first victory and first love.
Izuku was his everything. Who even was Katsuki without Izuku?
(Nothing but machine that kept on working because once it stopped, it wouldn’t start again.)
There was no way they wouldn’t be soulmates. Not when Katsuki’s heart ached for the other half that had been forever taken away.
“Fuck you,” he breathed out and finally looked at the words inscribed into his wrist.
Izuku Midoriya.
For a few seconds, the world was silent. The peace was shattered by a harsh, hysterical laugh that slowly transformed into desperate screaming.
He was right. Of course he was right.
He was never going to see a matching Katsuki Bakugo on Izuku’s wrist because his soulmate was dead.
“I hate you,” he yelled. “I hate you!”
I love you.
Why did you leave me?
I can’t do this on my own.
“Come back,” he whispered in a voice so pained he could barely get the words out. “Please come back, Izuku. I love you. I need you. Why the fuck did you die? Why did it have to be you? Why you?”
Why it couldn’t have been me?
Why can’t I follow?
After all the time he suffered in silence, he finally broke down. Sitting at the edge that separated him from seeing Izuku once again, Katski wept as he mourned for the other half of his forever scarred, hollow soul.