Work Text:
“You don’t know what love is
That's what the first line says
of the song I've been playing all summer
at the keyboard—trying to get my hands around its dark, melancholy chords,
its story line of a melody that twists up like snakes from melodic minor scales that I've also been trying to learn, though
I'm no great shakes as a practicer of scales.”
-Bill Zavatsky, “You don’t know what love is”
~~~
Love is, objectively a waste of time. Love in an apocalyptic wasteland full of hate and bloodshed, it is like cake in the very same hell, pointless, unnecessary, and strange.
Fit never met anyone who was in love on 2b2t. He meet teams, and basemates, and even the occasional family. But never anyone in love. At least not the sort of love that felt real.
Love is laying next to someone in bed at night asleep, leaving you vulnerable to swords between your shoulder blades and your bed getting spawn trapped. It is dangerous.
The way Fit understood it was that you had to like a girl and the extent of that like was never trust but instead desire.
Fit never felt that of course, he never looked at a girl, End Crystal in her hand, as she was probably trying to kill him, and thought she was beautiful enough to bed.
You couldn’t like guys though, that was a point. Anyone who had half a brain muted the world chat the moment they spawned in. You didn’t need the hate others had to offer on top of your struggle to survive and thrive.
It’s Alex and Steve according to the one standing church in the entirety of hell. Fit never sat in their pews and listened to what they had to say. He knew their hate though.
Fit didn’t believe in gods, he still doesn’t. But he also had no need to paint a target on his back bigger than he could handle.
Besides who cared if he was wrong, it’s not like he had planned to act on it. He would never be that stupid. He had no need to bare his neck for love and he has no care to scream some truth that could lead to his vocal cords cut like so many strings.
Love as far as Fit is concerned is a fools errand and a useless dream. He has much bigger concerns and he has no plans to spend his entire life fighting to be respected and safe because he was stupid enough to love a boy.
As far as 2b2t is concerned boys who love boys are targets and whatever slurs the scum of the earth can think up.
~~~~
”He will lose so much, and you will watch it all happen
because you had him first, and you would let the world
break its own neck if it means keeping him.
Start by wiping the blood off of his chin and
pretending to understand
Repeat to yourself
“I won’t leave you, I won’t leave you””
~~~
Fit does not think he has ever felt love before, attraction and fondness sure, but never love.
That idea, much like a pig trying to fly, plummets to the ground the moment he meets his son.
Ramón is small, and fragile, and smart, and oh, so much more than Fit could ever even attempt to put into words.
He has spent his entire life as a cliffs edge on the ocean, stone and unmoving, yet still worn down by his environment.
Then his son touched his face, a small hand on Fit’s check like Ramón was trying to understand the blood and violence that flowed through his veins.
Fit’s world, once large enough to fit all the chaos and violence, once large enough for him to keep an eye out for an attack from all sides, shrinks in that moment. It shrinks to the size of a little boy with a heart and brain bigger than Fit could ever hope to understand.
Suddenly none of the other islanders and their weapons matter. All that matters is the boy in front of Fit and making sure nothing could take the light from his eyes.
“Hello.” Fit says, speaking quieter than he can even hear.
Ramón waves with the hand not on Fit’s cheek.
“I will keep you safe.” Fit vows, then he offers the closest thing he knows to true love. “You will not know death.”
Spreen doesn’t feel the same way about their son. Maybe he loved him, Fit is admittedly not well versed in love. He wouldn’t know what it looks like, he only recently knows what it feels like.
Fit knows however that Spreen thinks differently than he does. Spreen spends his time fighting and killing, not because he has too but because he enjoys it.
He comes back, streaked in blood with leather from a dead horse, and he laughs.
Roier claims Spreen loves him but Spreen shoves a sword into his stomach. This is why Fit knows romantic love is a waste of time, it only ends in hurt and violence.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, some woman quoted to Fit once, as of Fit didn’t see her tip the poison bottle onto the plate she handed him. Fit and the woman, faceless as she was, were very obviously not in love.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is actually between his fourth and fifth rib, it is a mostly painless death. Spreen doesn't give Roier this mostly painless death and re-spawn. Fit is pretty sure that isn’t love.
Spreen wants their son to grow up quick. Ramón likes to play ball and build things and Fit is more than willing to indulge, his son, Fits own son, likes things because they are fun and he is a child. Spreen says he is too childish and Fit’s son doesn’t ask to play ball again.
It makes Fit’s blood boil, this is not how parents should act. They should not shame their children, they should love them.
Fit doesn’t think Spreen feels anything near love for either of them. When he leaves, off to grab a pack of smokes, a lie of course, Fit doesn’t miss him as much as he should. Fit doesn't think he felt anything like love towards Spreen either.
Fit is fine with his family, his world, his life, just being him and Ramón. In fact he is so fine about it. He loves Ramón more than anything and he will do whatever it takes to keep his son happy.
‘Love you dad.’ Ramón writes, as Fit tucks the blankets of his bed around him.
“I love you too.” Fit says, and suprisingly the words do not feel like a white flag of surrender, instead they are a promise, to shield his son from the very life Fit had lived.
Ramón will be allowed to love freely Fit promises himself.
Ramón smiles sleepily up at Fit as Fit removes his hat and googles, the stick on mustache comes off next and a small stuffed dog is tucked under his son’s arm.
The air around them feels soft and warm and Fit wonders if this is what he has been missing out on his entire life by not allowing himself to love.
Fit doesn’t think he could love anything, anyone, as much as his son though.
Love may be a foolish thing but Fit doenst regret it for a second as his sons small palm, one only hurt from his machines, cups his check once again, deep brown eyes staring up at him.
‘I’m glad you’re my dad.’ Ramón writes, his handwriting messy with only one hand.
“I’m so greatful you are my son.” Fit agrees. “You are everything.”
~~~~
“i wish more people would acknowledge that romantic love isnt the only kind and that im not worth less because ive never had a crush and feel sick when imagining myself with anyone
i wish that i could reach through the screen and hug my friends when they feel sad or lonely or worthless or like the whole world is against them”
~~~~
“I promise Mike doesn’t hate you.” Pac laughs.
“I do.” Mike argues, though Fit likes to think it is more reflex than true hate.
The two have one of their silent arguments and Fit tries his best to feel like he isn’t intruding on something he shouldn’t be.
“You two are strange.” Fit says mostly without thinking.
Thankfully neither of them seem to take offense but Fit flushes still.
“Strange how?” Mike asks, there is definitely a threat in his tone though.
“You’re very close.” Fit points out. “Closer than anyone else I’d argue.”
“Of course we are?” Pac says confused. “We’re soulmates.”
Fit is a little less testy than he once was about love, Ramón has softened him in a way that would get him killed back home. But the bold declaration still shocks him. Fit can’t imagine admitting to a weakness so easily.
Sure it is one thing for Roier and Cellbit to be married, but Fit is still fighting the idea that two men can be in love without violence and hate following in their wake like hunting dogs on a hare.
“You two are dating?” Fit asks, and while he only wants his tone to be inquisitive it falls a bit too close to worry.
Fit is a grown man who barely knows love, he can’t be in love with Pac. Pac doesn’t deserve that and Fit doesn’t deserve him.
“Ew.” Mike wrinkles his noise ignoring Pac’s protests. “I don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what?” Fit asks confused.
“Romantic love.”
“But… you said you were soulmates?” Fit points out, feeling like he is three steps behind the other two in this conversation.
“You can love someone without wanting to date them.” Mike snaps, and Fit can tell it’s a testy subject.
“Oh, sorry.” Fit scrambles. He has no right to judge how Mike loves anyone anyways. “I don’t know”
“You don’t know?”
“I’ve never heard of it before. It makes sense though. You can love whoever.” Fit says, because he is unlearning the hate that kept him leashed for years.
“Mike is my soulmate but I’ve dated plenty of other people.” Pac adds on, and Fit firmly keeps his mind blank, he absolutely cannot linger on Pac’s words.
“So you two just love each other and aren’t dating.” Fit says. “Like friends but more.”
“Not really.” Pac says thoughtfully. “There are plenty of different words people use for relationships like ours.”
“We just use soulmates.” Mike finishes. “It’s what we agree on and we understand our relationship and our love may not look like what you think it should but we are happy and you have no right to judge.”
“I agree. You guys love each other and that’s enough.” Fit says, feeling properly chastised.
Pac nods looking away to mine something. As he does Mike leans in close to Fit. “I was here first.” He grins.
“I’m not trying too-“ Fit rushes to deny.
“I may not want to date or fuck anybody but I share a mind link with Pac, I know what love looks like.” Mike snickers.
“I-“
“Am a total loser. Absolutely.” Mike says agreeably. “Just remember where you stand.”
“I’d never want to get between you two.” Fit says. “I get it. You love each other. I wouldn’t want to stop that. Swear it. Trust like that- love like that is special and important.”
“Good. Pac has left guys for less.”
“Good thing I like you then.” Fit tries, ignoring the way his heart beats at the implication that he may love Pac.
Mike considers him before walking off.
“What the fuck just happened?” Fit wonders aloud.
‘You just got informed’ Ramón writes, looking bored at all the adult talk that has been happing lately. ‘And maybe gained the approval of Pac’s soulmate to date him.’
Fit closes his eyes and takes a deep breath to quell his panic.
“Let’s go get the sand we need.” He tells his son.
Fit will never admit it under threat of death but after Ramón goes to bed that night he does some research.
He learns terms like aromatic and what exactly that means for some people and how to understand it. Not that it’s hard to understand at all really, they don’t feel romantic love but that doesn’t mean anything different. They still love people just not romantically and Fit is frankly appalled at all the bullshit people are spewing.
There is no special person that can change their mind and there is certainly no reason to disrespect someone’s identity. Or to think that makes them lesser, less queer or less human.
Fit also learns that some aromatic people form a platonic relationship with someone that still holds love and kindness and joy. It sounds pretty cool honestly. It all makes sense to Fit, love isn’t just one thing and some people just don’t love romantically.
Fit is content with his new information, and understanding and a new healthy respect for Mike and Pac.
Fit may have a small, terrible crush on Pac but he has no plans to act on it.
Even if by some miracle he does though it doesn’t mean he will push Mike out. He is cool with Mike and wants Pac to have all the love he can.
Fit thinks maybe in some other life, a life where he was better acquainted with love in all its forms, he could have loved them both, in different ways of course, and they could make it work.
As it is though right now, Fit is just a boy with a schoolyard crush tripping over his own feet and denying the truth.
~~~
“She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that’s best of dark and bright”
~~~
Fit didn’t think he’d get this far. He should have died ages ago and he shouldn’t have been able to love someone this way.
He is not made for love, he is made for violence and fighting. Like a dog from a fighting ring baring its teeth and snapping at every kind hand.
But he had a date. A date with a boy and nothing bad happened. He got to hold open the door and tell Pac bits of the dark part of him and in turn Pac bared the truth right back to him.
Fit is a man who loves a man and nothing bad has happened. The world hasn’t ended. Sure there are threats from cats and their leader and Fit is scared out of his fucking mind because at some point love made him soft. But still! He has a boyfriend! He can do that.
He doesn’t deserve Pac of course, in all his kindness, and beauty, and mad scientist-like behavior, but he gets him.
Not that Fit owns Pac of course, he never could, but Pac had chosen him.
Fit feels like a giggling, giddy, teen.
“What are you looking at?” Pac asks. The pair of them are at Chume labs and Pac is doing something. Despite the several explanations Fit has no clue what though.
“You.” Fit says honestly, because honesty is a privilege that he has now.
Someone, probably Mike, makes a gagging noise from the other room.
Pac blushes though and mutters something in Portuguese too quiet for the translator to pick up on
“You are quite the flirt.” Pac says.
Fit shrugs his metal fingers tapping some rhythm into the lab table, the metal on metal makes an echoing noise. Like the ripples on the water after throwing stones, like the flap of a butterfly’s wings.
“I like it. You should do it more.” Pac says.
“We’ll see.” Fit says finally, unable to explain that even holding Pac’s hand in public is enough to make him fear an attack and also enough to make his heart beat like crazy.
“You show it in other ways though I suppose.” Pac continues, unbothered by Fit’s sudden quiet.
“You want to track down that stupid bear just so he can give our family the proper privileges without marriage. It’s very romantic.”
“You’re the one who wanted to adopt Ramón.” Fit says turning red. Ramón is Fits heart, and his whole world, and Pac’s love for him is just another reason why Fit loves the other man.
“Ramón deserves a great family, a chance to be a kid. He is so smart.” Pac says and Fit thinks somehow that is more attractive than any compliments Pac could pay him.
“He is ecstatic about the idea. He already calls you Pai.” Fit says.
Pac looks very pleased at the idea. “Richas is very found of you too.”
“I’m fond of him too, he is such a great kid.” Fit says honestly.
“You can say he is a gremlin, it’s the truth.”
“He can be both a gremlin and a great and talented kid.” Fit says.
Pac grins and a piece of silky dark hair falls in front of one of his deep dark and incredibly beautiful eyes.
Fits fingers twitch to reach out and put it back in place.
“You’re the most romantic guy I’ve ever dated.” Pac laughs. “Talking about our kids and family, it’s so domestic.” He teases.
“Maybe we spent long enough annoying everyone with our pinning that we can just skip to the gross domestic bit.” Fit says.
“Maybe so.” Pac agrees, eyes shining.
Love pumps through Fits blood like the booming of a chain of tnt going off one after another.
Giving into the dopamine and elation, Fit leans over with his flesh hand to tuck Pac’s hair back behind his ear.
Pac’s eyes look up from what he is soldering to meet Fit’s gaze.
Love is for fools and Fit is a total, complete, and utter, fools.
“Kiss?” Fit asks.
Pac turns off the soldering iron and leans forward until their lips meet.
Kissing Pac is like brushing death and coming out on the other side, it is the warmth of a sun trying not to kill you, and the taste of warm food made for the hell of it. Kissing Pac is everything love is and could be and Fit can’t imagine why he spent so long afraid and denying himself this.
They pull away for a breath and they take only a moments reprise before meeting in the middle again. It takes all of Fit’s self control to pull away again. “Are you done?” He asks Pac, darting his eyes to Pac’s project.
“This is more important now. Kiss now work later.” Pac says crowding back into Fits space and kissing him again, Pac’s lips are chapped and Fit is a bit worried that they may start bleeding with the force he is using.
Fit is however just a foolish man driven by love so he gives into the idea of spending the rest of his afternoon making out with Pac like a love drunk teenager.
The idea is more appealing than it has any right to be.
~~~
“ For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit”
~~~
“You and Pac should break up.” Tubbo says, seemingly out of no where.
Fit blinks confused. Tubbo seems to be wholly genuine in his words.
Fit isn’t sure what to expect, rationally he knows that Tubbo isn’t like the people from 2b2t, he is less violent and hateful for sure.
“What?” Fit asks.
“You and Pac should break up.” Tubbo repeats. Sunny and Ramón are still outside of earshot doing whatever it is the two of them are doing, which may or may not be dangerous to others.
“Why would we break up?” Fit asks, he is a bit hurt but doing his best not to show it.
Fit values Tubbo’s opinion of course, Tubbo is one of the most important people to him. So hearing that Tubbo, for whatever reason wants him and Pac to break up, hurts.
Fit doesn't want to show it though, his habit of not showing weakness prevailing once again.
“Things were good before!” Tubbo says waving his hands around. Fit thinks he must not be getting enough sleep because he is making absolutely no sense.
“…Yes they were.” Fit agrees confused.
“Romance only ruins everything. I mean you remember Fred! Fucking Fred.” Tubbo grumbles.
Fit files away Tubbo’s anger at Fred. Technically Fit and Pac may or may not be scheming to get them back together but Tubbo doesn’t need to know that.
When did Fit become such an expert on love? Well, not an expert really, more like someone who has a basic grasp of the rudimentary pieces of it.
“I don’t think that will happen to me and Pac. Neither of us are bears for one. And my federation work is pretty low level.” Fit says.
“That’s not the point.” Tubbo huffs.
“I don’t really understand what we are talking about.” Fit admits.
“You guys being in love is going to change things.” Tubbo says.
“Of course it is. We’re going to date now and we’ll both take care of the kids.” Fit says, slowly.
“For the worse! It’s going to change things for the worse.” Tubbo blurts.
“Things are going to change and it will just be me and Sunny and that stupid fucking god of trickery and I’ll be alone all the time. “ Tubbo sniffs.
“Why would you be alone?” Fit asks his head spinning.
“Because it was the ‘morning crew’, you know. The three of us and now it’s going to be you two because why would you want me third wheeling and I’ll be alone.”
“You won’t be alone.” Fit says, reaching over to put a hand on Tubbo’s shoulder.
“Things won’t be changing. We’ll still be the ‘morning crew.’ And it will still be the three of us and the kids and we’ll still hang out and do things.” Fit continues. “Just because me and Pac are dating doesn’t mean that will change. “ Fit is honestly a bit confused as to why it would.
Tubbo doesn’t say anything at Fit’s words but he still looks unsure.
“You know we love you too? You’re family.” Fit says.
“I am?”
“Of course!” Fit rushes, baffled at the implication that Tubbo doesn’t know how much he means to them. “I don’t trust my son with just anyone.”
“I consider you guys family too. For what it’s worth.”
“It’s worth a lot. But now as family,” Fit tightens his grip on Tubbo’s shoulder, “if you try to get in the way of my relationship again we will have words, and you will not like it.”
“Right! Of course. I’m done with my homophobic arc now. Only normal supportive Tubbo who you have no reason to threaten or kill!” Tubbo says quickly.
Fit loosens his grip and pats Tubbo on the shoulder. “Glad we agree then. Now back to the Tubhole expansion.”
~~~
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.”
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning, How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)
~~~
Fit of 2b2t is many things, a bastard, a killer, and on occasion a thief. No one has ever said he is a lover or even that he knows love.
Now though, trapped in a hellish island constantly under threat of so many different pains, he thinks he may be.
Fit knows love now, he knows it well in all its forms.
Fit loves his son. Ramón his son, who Fit loves more than anything in the world. He would do anything for his son, he would kill for him and he would do so much more for him. Fit thinks he would let himself love and live for his son and that is so much more.
Fit has learned of the different kinds of love. He knows that not everyone loves the same way but he also knows that love is still love no matter how many different ways people do or don’t feel it.
Fit knows that he is allowed to love who he wants too. That he can love Pac without threat of harm and that no one can stop him because he would fight for this. Fit knows that he doesn’t deserve Pac but that he also doesn’t have to earn this love.
Fit knows that he loves his friends and his family and that love doesn’t need to fit into some category. Fit is allowed to love and people can’t stop him.
Fit can’t stop himself.
He has spent so long denying and fearing the way he feels and he knows the joy of not denying himself.
Fit is gay and he loves a boy and he loves his son and he loved his friends because he can do that.
He is safe here, maybe not in some ways, but in ways that feel the most prominent.
Fit knows love and he isn’t afraid to admit it.