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“Motherfucker! Open the door!”
She had tried to ring the doorbell normally first, and then she had knocked, still normally, but Leon was an idiot and didn’t open the door, even though she knew he was in there, and now she had resorted to hammering on the door and name-calling. The longer she waited, the more fear tightened in her chest, and the more she thought he might not just be ignoring her.
No, he was just being an idiot. He just didn’t want to be called out.
There was a sound of a door opening, but it was not the one she was standing in front of. The door next to Leon’s swung open, and the concerned face of a gray-haired little woman peeked out.
“Hey there, sweetie. He’s probably out. He’s out a lot, for days and weeks on end sometimes,” the old woman said, giving Claire a sympathetic look.
“Yeah.” Claire sighed. “I know. He is in there, he’s just ignoring me.” She smiled at the woman, covering over frustration, and the fear that had started to claw in her mind.
“He’s a sweet boy, but a bit of a recluse, I think. I wouldn’t take it personally.”
“Trying not to,” Claire said, and sent an annoyed look to the door.
“A pretty girl like you, smart girl, it’s his loss if he doesn’t want to see you.” The lady smiled.
Being pretty didn’t particularly matter at the moment, but had she been smart, she would have practiced lockpicking more.
“Don’t waste your time, he doesn’t know what’s good for him.” The woman waved her hand like she was swatting Leon out of Claire’s mind.
“Oh, you’re right about that,” Claire said. Or maybe at this point he had realized not letting her in was what was best for him.
“Do what’s best for you, honey,” the lady said, gave her a nod, and closed the door.
What was best for Claire was to get through this damn door so she could confirm he was alive and breathing, and then strangle him for worrying her like this.
She slammed her fist on the door. “Fuck, Leon!”
There. There were those sounds again. Someone was moving around in the apartment. Then the lock clicked. And then another lock clicked. And then what had to be a chain jingled and moved, and the door finally opened, and Leon stood in the doorway.
“You’re scaring the neighbors.”
The anger deflated a bit when she saw his face in front of her. Leon looked terrible. Dark circles were heavy under his eyes, his hair was unkempt, and he was dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt that looked like they hadn’t been changed in days.
“Thank God, I thought you’d died in there.” She said it as a joke, but there was a painful stab in her chest.
Don’t think about it. He is okay.
“Hmf,” Leon said, and opened the door so she could come in.
Claire stepped into Leon’s open-plan apartment. The living room was on its way to becoming a mess. A couple of blankets lay sprawling halfway onto the floor from a couch, and a couch cushion was tucked under the coffee table. There was a dead houseplant on the windowsill that had dropped some brown leaves around itself. It looked like something liquid had spilled just outside the carpet under the couch, and someone had cleaned it up but never bothered to throw away the paper towels. On the other hand, the kitchen was almost spotless.
She leaned against the kitchen island and crossed her arms.
“Answer your goddamn phone next time, please,” Claire said after Leon closed the door behind him. He didn’t reply.
“I was worried?” She said it with the tone of a question to hopefully coax an answer out of him.
“I’m fine. What do you want?”
“To know that you are alive.”
Leon spread out his arms a little bit, as if he was showing her himself being alive. “Yep,” he said.
Claire rolled her eyes internally.
“Good to know. I’ll tell everyone who’s freaking out over you right now.”
“‘Everyone,’” Leon mumbled under his breath.
“Yeah, me,” Claire said. “And Chris. He’d probably be here himself too, if he wasn’t on the other side of the country at the moment.”
“Thanks for the concern. I’m fine. You really don’t need to rally the entire Redfield family because I’m having a day or two off.” Then he swayed where he stood, like the floor slowly got dragged away from under his feet. Then he stumbled, but he caught himself on the wall.
Claire’s muscles twitched, ready to run over and catch him should he fall, but he ended up standing solidly against the wall.
She eyed him up. “Are you drunk?”
“No, I’m not!” Leon yelled, more aggressive than strictly necessary.
“Whoa, okay.”
He really didn’t look good where he stood, leaning heavily against the wall. Pale and clammy-looking, and panting slightly, like standing up was tiring him out.
“What the hell is going on? Are you sick?”
“No.” Leon glared at her. He was kind of scary like this — his eyes were so dark. It was a stark contrast to the bright-eyed boy she met back in Raccoon City long ago. They had seen each other many times since then, but she had never seen this kind of animosity directed at her. He had changed, and she didn’t like it.
“Have you eaten anything today?” Claire asked.
“Claire, I’m fine.” He shook his head.
“You don’t look fine, you look like absolute shit, actually.”
“Gee, thanks.”
The anger flared up again in Claire. Leon was an absolute nightmare to get talking. This was what having a teenage son must be like.
“Why aren’t you taking care of yourself, Leon?” Claire asked, straight out. It probably wouldn’t work — definitely not — if she was being realistic, but maybe she could surprise him into answering.
“I’m…” Leon let out a little frustrated yell. “I’m fine. I’d be even better if you’d leave me alone.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” It was definitely not a good idea. Something had clearly been wrong when Chris spoke with him, and something was clearly wrong now.
“Claire, I am begging you to leave me alone.”
Claire turned around and walked into the kitchen to hide the tears blurring her vision. They had come out of nowhere. She hadn’t exactly been invited in, but somehow it still hurt that she wasn’t wanted there. Leaving him after seeing him like this was unthinkable.
“No,” she said, and opened the fridge. “I’m going to assume that you haven’t eaten today, judging by your mood.” She picked out a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly, and closed the fridge again. “We can’t have that, so I’m making you lunch.”
“Claire…”
“Just this once though, I’m not your mom.” It was unfair. Leon hadn’t asked her to do anything for him. She had said it almost as a joke, but it came out more aggressive than she had meant.
Claire sniffled. No crying, she thought. Nope, not doing that. But she had been so scared, and the worry wasn’t completely unfounded.
A week earlier, Chris had called Leon and caught him in the middle of a drunken stupor. He had a week’s vacation in front of him, Leon said. He had seemed unstable and low. And this was apparently not the first time. Chris had made Leon promise to update him every day for the next week, but then, after just a couple of days, Chris had been called out on a mission where he couldn’t keep an eye on his phone, so he talked to Claire and asked her to take over checking in on Leon. She had been frustrated with him for not telling her earlier, but she understood that Leon had asked Chris not to say anything. After she sent the first message it was Leon’s turn to be frustrated with Chris for telling her at all. It had been nice, having regular contact with him, even if it was just for three days, because after that he disappeared. He stopped answering her texts and didn’t pick up his phone. After two days of silence, Claire took a day off work to come see him in person.
Claire knew Leon didn’t have many people around him, but she was realizing that Chris and Claire might be his only proper friends, and they barely ever got to see him.
A lump formed in her throat as she put together the sandwich for Leon. He was all alone in this dank, messy apartment. Definitely regularly getting drunk on his own, and then getting sad. Maybe the other way around.
“Here,” she said, and put the sandwich on a plate she found after roughly looking through the cupboards. “Food.”
She put it down on the kitchen island and slid it to the other side. As she looked up, she caught a glimpse of the couch in the living room, and in her mind, she saw Leon sitting in it, alone and drunk, drunk because he was sad, and because he was alone. She saw Leon fighting through his first and last day as a cop in hell and still smiling at her, never doubting they would get through it. At least not in front of her.
The tears burned in her eyes again because that was all gone, and that boy was gone, and all that was left was this incredibly sad and tired man who didn’t even want to talk to her.
“Thanks, but I’m not really feeling it right now,” Leon said quietly.
“God damn it! What are you feeling, then?” Claire exploded. “Drink? I can get you something to drink.”
She opened and closed the cupboard doors, almost slamming them shut when she didn’t find the glasses that she had just seen while looking for a plate. She found them eventually, but realized he only had two glasses, and one of them was quite badly chipped. Did he really just have one fucking functioning glass? Maybe the others had broken, and then he hadn’t bothered to replace them because there was no need.
She grabbed the unchipped glass, filled it with water, and put it down a little bit too hard on the island next to the plate.
Leon looked at her with uncertainty in his eyes. He was leaning fully against the wall and not properly facing her.
“Say something! What the fuck do you want?!”
She was being mean. She was being so mean right now. Tough love, maybe. Angry love. Aggressive love. It might have something to do with being brought up by Chris during her little shit teen years. Her sad and scared teen years, after their parents died. Not that Chris was ever actually mean to her, but he was not equipped to suddenly raise a teenager who just wanted her parents back. She realized later that he felt the same way. Claire had definitely been mean, when she thought about it. To top it off, they had matching terrible tempers.
Leon straightened himself up. “I want you to leave.”
“I don’t want to leave. I’m not leaving.”
Leon slid down the wall and sat down with his knees up and his hands clasped in his lap. They were shaking.
“You are sick, aren’t you? What’s going on?” She asked. He had said no earlier, but she didn’t believe him. The frustration rose to the surface again. He kept avoiding her.
“No, I’m…”
“What? A little bitch?” She was so angry, so frustrated it slipped out. She would do it with Chris sometimes. Add in a small insult, and it would either rile him up more or make him laugh, and either option was welcome right now.
Leon laughed. “Sure, that too.”
That was a relief. She almost smiled.
Leon twiddled his thumbs, and then he sighed. “I stopped drinking.”
According to Chris’ observations, Leon had been a heavy drinker for a while now. Claire didn’t know why she hadn’t thought of that. He was probably having withdrawals.
“Should you be in the hospital?” was all she could say.
“No, it’s not that bad.” He fidgeted with his hands for a couple of seconds. “Besides, I think the worst is over.”
“Are you sure? You don’t look very… perky to me.”
“Well, I’m better now. You should have seen me last night. Threw up three times and thought I saw a licker on the ceiling.”
“Fuck, sounds like you should have been in the hospital last night then.”
“Nah, I’m fine.”
“Stop saying that.”
Leon closed his eyes. A kind of gesture of resignation. His jaw jutted to the side, it looked like he was chewing on the inside of his cheek.
“Can you please go?” His voice broke, and then he cleared his throat in the same way Chris did when he was about to cry, but pretended he wasn’t.
“I can’t. I don’t want you to be alone when you’re this sad.”
She picked up the plate and the glass and walked up to him, crouched down, and put them down. She stayed crouched in front of him, staying on his level.
“Leon, I need you to listen to me now, this is very important. Are you listening?”
She didn’t wait for an answer.
“I love you, you absolute idiot.”
Leon’s eyes flew open, and the color drained from his face.
“Calm down, not like that,” Claire said, and waved her hand dismissively. “I care about you. I worry about you. You’re my oldest friend by now, do you know that?”
Leon was silent. It looked like he was battling something on the inside. Eyes wide and a wrinkle in his forehead.
“Is it hard for you to grasp, Leon? That people care?” It was absolutely maddening how confused and stressed he looked.
“I care. Chris cares.” Claire almost had to laugh thinking about Chris in this situation instead of her. He would have been absolutely miserable. “Chris and I would do anything for you if you only asked.”
Leon was slowly crumbling. His eyes filled with tears, and even biting down on the inside of his lip didn’t stop it from quivering.
“It’s okay to cry, you know,” she said, and felt like a hypocrite as she swallowed down her own pressing emotions.
Leon blinked, and two tears fell out, one dropped right down onto his shirt while the other got stuck on his eyelashes and slowly ran down his cheek. More followed quickly after, and soon he was sobbing quietly. He looked younger like this. Like it was a younger Leon that was crying, like this had been waiting for years.
Claire’s heart ached looking at him. It got so painful she couldn’t look anymore, so she sat down next to him with her back to the same wall he was leaning against.
The sun was setting outside the living room window and filled the room with warm light. The apartment didn’t look as drab and miserable like this. It even gave the very dead houseplant in the windowsill a kind of halo.
Claire put her hand on Leon’s arm.
“Locking yourself up in solitary confinement isn’t going to help. You need friends. I need friends. I need you as my friend.”
That apparently made it worse. He let out a loud sob and put his hands over his face. Still trying to hide, and still trying to block things out.
Claire let him. She put her head on his shaking shoulder and waited until he calmed down.
“Is this weird for you?” she asked when he had stilled. Leon let out a long breath.
“A bit, people are usually trying to kill me. This is new.” He said it in an almost joking tone, despite his unsteady voice.
She was glad he was lightening up a bit, but he was right, that was their reality. She knew he was fighting for his life every day. People were trying to kill him, monsters were trying to kill him. Claire took a look around the neglected apartment. She recognized the internal monsters. She had them, too. They sometimes followed her home from work, but she usually had them under control on leashes and in little cages. Leon must have lost control over the ones he had at some point. She didn’t blame him.
“So you stopped drinking, huh?” She wanted to know more, she wanted him to talk about it.
“Yeah,” he breathed. Not much to gather there, but at least he wasn’t snapping at her.
“That’s good.”
“Yeah,” he said again, and Claire smiled.
“What made you stop now?”
“I didn’t have much of a choice, I promised Chris I would stop, and he’s almost as scary as you are.”
Claire’s smile widened. Attaboy, Chris. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to demand Leon stop his coping mechanisms and then abandon him, but he probably hadn’t meant for that to happen. Maybe she would yell at him about it when she saw him again, just a little bit, before hugging him.
“That’s good.”
“Yeah.”
It was good. There was an air of new beginnings around this, like the morning after a night of rain or settling down after a good cry. It would be easier now — maybe not for Leon — at least not in the beginning, but maybe it would be easier to get him to talk. It would be nice to get to talk to Leon more. It was good.
“I’m being sent out on a mission tomorrow,” Leon said in a hoarse voice, and sniffed.
Claire sat up and looked at him in disbelief. “No, they can’t do that.”
“They can, it’s the end of my vacation tomorrow.” He pressed his lips into a sort of tight-lipped smile. He didn’t look at her.
“But you’re not well.” She kept looking at him insistently.
“No,” he said. Just one word. No. No, he was not well, and it knocked a weight from Claire’s shoulders because it was the first time he hadn’t insisted that he was fine.
“Call them and say you’re sick, and… come with me. You can live with me for a bit if you want.” Claire smiled at the idea of Leon lying sprawled on her couch with a bowl of popcorn on his stomach, watching some stupid movie with her.
His face softened, and he smiled more genuinely. It was a small little thing, but in her experience, that seemed to be the best anyone could get out of him. He finally looked at her with tired and red rimmed-eyes. “I appreciate that, but I have to go.”
“I’ll kidnap you. I’ll carry you out of here if I have to,” Claire said, only half joking.
“You can’t do that.”
“I can! And I will. I can carry Chris over my shoulder, you know?” She could, she had done it several times, but she felt like a teenager saying things like that, joking around, and proving herself. Something about being with Leon always took her back to a time long gone.
“Really?” He raised an eyebrow slightly.
“Mm-hmm. Doesn’t mean Chris likes it, though.”
Leon’s lips curled down, like he was holding back a bigger smile, and his eyes lit up. They were probably both imagining Claire carrying a displeased and whining Chris around against his will.
After a moment of taking in the sight of Leon getting some life back into him, she let out a little sigh. “I really wish Raccoon City never happened, but I did meet you there, so it wasn’t all bad.”
Leon’s face sank back down into a somber look. He gave a little nod, like he agreed.
Claire remembered his youthful face so well through the bars of the gate outside the police station. When they finally found each other again. How spirited he was. As had she been. Maybe they had rubbed off on each other, both of them seemed to continue from that meeting with renewed energy.
Claire smiled. “Do you have any idea how cute you were back then?”
Leon scoffed, but the corner of his mouth twitched up.
Claire got overpowered with impish delight. “What happened?”
Leon let out a laugh, a short one, like he had been surprised into it. Then he breathed out through his nose, almost sighing.
“Got old, I guess,” Leon said, looking down at his hands.
“I’m just messing with you. You’re still cute. Old and cute.”
Leon shoved her shoulder with his, and she shoved back. They sat in comfortable silence for a while and watched the sun grow more and more golden and slowly disappear behind the buildings outside.
Leon broke the silence.
“How are you, Claire?”
Claire didn’t know if she laughed or sobbed right then.
It was a lot. They were living in an insane world, and they got to see more of the insanity than they had ever bargained for. Claire hadn’t thought much about how she was doing, but Leon had asked, so he had thought about it, even if he clearly was at the bottom of some sort of hole right now, he had taken the time to think about her too.
Warmth and affection spread through her chest. It didn’t just hurt to love people — sometimes it was good too. At least they were still there after all this time. Two pieces of debris from Raccoon City.
How was she? When she wasn’t worried sick about the people she cared about…
“You know what, Leon? I’m doing pretty well.”