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“Okay guys, after this though, we really need to start.”
Armin isn't too fond of group studying; most of the time they end in banters and games while books end up abandoned on the desk. In a few months their third and last year in middle school will be over, and they can't really allow themselves to lose time when they are so near to the graduation exam. He has only accepted that day to meet with Eren, Annie and Jean because the first had a 'huge' need of maths tutoring, and the other two were more than happy to tag along.
“Relax, Armin. I know what you are thinking.” Eren says, sipping his coffee slowly. “Let's just drink this, and then we can start.”
“Hey Eren, how's your coffee? Mine is too sweet.” Jean scrunches up his nose in distaste and puts his cup on the table away from him.
“You wouldn't like it. It's definitely sweeter than yours.” Eren answers, holding his own against his chest.
“Do you want to try mine?” Armin asks out of the blue, and Jean jumps at that.
Armin is looking at him with big, questioning eyes and Jean feels a bit like blushing. He supposes it's because Armin is pretty cute. He's not really good with feelings, but Armin has a pretty face, like Mikasa and Historia have, and sometimes Jean feels a bit embarrassed around him.
He scoots closer to Armin, sitting near him in that puffy red bench at the bar, and closes his lips tenderly around the green straw of the drink Armin is offering him.
It's still too sweet for him, but he likes this one the better; it tastes a bit more like chocolate and a little less like strawberry.
Jean scoots backs and licks his lips. “It's good.” he says and his voice it's a bit scratchy so he's glad when Armin smiles.
Jean can see with the corner of his eyes Eren leaning towards Annie, sitting next to him, and whispering something in her ear, hiding his mouth behind his hands. Annie's eyes dart towards Armin and then to Jean, and then to Armin again and her lips are turned up in a barely-there smile.
“Eren! It's not nice to whisper in someone's ear when there are other people around.” Armin says and his brows are furrowed and his hands are clenching over his knees.
Eren just laughs and sits back on his chair, bringing his hands up his head in defence.
“Were you saying bad things about me and Jean?”
Eren snickers and Armin's frown deepens a bit. Then he leans towards Jean and tugs at his sleeve slightly, bringing him down closer to him, his mouth near his ear.
“Let's just pretend to say not very nice things about Eren and Annie.”
Jean grins and then hides a lock of Armin's hair behind his ear, and now it's his turn to whisper something to him.
“I don't have to pretend to say bad things about Jaeger.”
He can feel Armin smile and he's glad he is not angry for the comment he made about Eren. Everyone knows his quarrels with Eren are faux most of time, and that's just another way to express their friendship.
“So, are we going to share a secret?” he's talking as soft as possible, just to make sure that Eren won't understand a thing.
“The secret that there isn't really a secret to share?”
Jean smiles at Armin's silly question. He scoots even closer and is ready to whisper back a witty response but an angry scoff interrupts him.
“OHI. Are you two done?”
Armin leans away and shrugs without really answering, just like Eren did, sending a guilty smile in Jean's direction.
“I'm sorry Jaeger, there are so many other things we'd like to talk about, but I don't know if Armin wants to speak while you're still here....”
“What?! Armin tells me everything! Right, Armin? Armin, he's not saying the truth, is he? It's not like you pref-”
“Enough!” Armin says between a laugh “Come on, come on, we should have started studying twenty minutes ago. No more bickering!”
He throws away the straw of his drink and gulps it all in one last, long sip, cleaning away sheepishly the foam from his upper lip, and Jean can't help but think that is rather amusing.
~
Jean always thought that drama class was weird. Not weird in a bad way, he just never understood what all the fuss was about. Maybe because all his theatre experience dates back to he was still in grade school, and his mother forced him to go to an extremely boring and tedious première of a show he apparently 'not enough mature to comprehend'.
Now, though, he is seeing it with a whole new perspective. Literally. Being behind stage and looking at the play sideways gives him a whole new vibe.
He can see Mina hidden at the other side of the room, sitting on the ground with a creased script in her hands, her eyes darting quickly, but Eren in the middle of the stage doesn't seem to need help.
He never thought of Jaeger being so passionate about something. Eren is having a monologue right now, hand to his chest and heart towards the dark and empty parterre and Jean feels a shiver of excitement down his spine because, damn, Eren is good.
He feels something on his shoulder and turns around to see Armin looking up at him with a smile on his face, tugging at his sleeve and gesturing to get down at his height.
He didn't grow up much lately, unlike Jean that gained more that ten centimetres the last summer holidays and he feels kind of embarrassed about it.
“Thank you for helping us today.” Armin whispers in Jean's ear and his long hair brushes against Jean's cheek.
“We had some problems with organization and... stuff. I know all of this isn't really your thing. But... dress rehearsal is always really stressful and I thought we wouldn't be able to finish everything in time, so... yeah, thanks.”
He scoots back and smiles at him, holding his own copy of the script close to his chest. He is wearing a silly cap with the word 'manager' imprinted on it he remembers Eren buying for him, and with the dark bags under his eyes and hair tangled in a messy ponytail, he seems definitely too stressed by overwork for a sixteen years old. Suddenly, Jean is immensely happier that he could help if that means he can ease it for Armin, and feels like smiling.
“Don't worry. I'm glad that I could be helpful. And working as a sound tech is not bothersome at all. That's definitely my thing.”
Armin nods but holds a finger against his lips, like he's saying 'Shh!' “You shouldn't talk so loud backstage.”
Jean almost wants to rolls his eyes, but instead he just leans over Armin again and whispers: “I should give you my best congratulations, though. Organizing all of this alone, must have been difficult.”
His eyes divert to the well-decorated stage, and it looks so much like an 19th century interior that Jean can't stop wondering how Armin managed to put on all that.
“Well, I've been helped, of course.” Armin looks at him with the same grateful eyes as before. “The two big chairs in the middle are from my grandpa's living room, though. Even if he seems happy with this project, I think he just wants it to end soon so he can have his stuff back.”
Jean lets out a soft giggle and Armin slaps him gently on the arm, failing to hide a smile. “Jean. I told you. No sounds behind the scenes. If there were people watching now they could have heard you.”
“I guess they could also have heard you when you tripped in the wires the other day, breaking one of the lights.”
Armin flushes and stutters an answer that doesn't really make sense, and Jean decides that he likes this side of Armin, the one that blushes or seems at a loss of words when he teases him.
They continue to watch the play silently, and now Eren is holding hands with and confessing to a pretty blonde girl Jean doesn't know. Suddenly, he holds the girl's chin and presses his lips against hers and Jean flushes deeply, taking involuntarily a step back and hiding his face behind his hand.
“Isn't it embarrassing?” he whines weakly.
“I don't think so. I mean, it's not a real kiss, you know?” Armin isn't looking at him, eyes fixed on the stage.
“Have you ever kissed anyone?”
Jean doesn't expect that sudden question. Of course he has. He only had three girlfriends so far, but of course he has kissed someone before. But, somehow, he doesn't want to answer.
“I've never kissed anyone.” Armin confesses, and Jean just stay silent, because he can't understand what Armin wants him to say. “Do you think it's embarrassing to kiss someone?” he continues.
“Not like that... it's just... in front of everyone...” he manages to stutter.
Armin sighs slightly and turns to face him with an apologetic smile.
“Sorry. I didn't want to drag you in this type of conversation.”
The air is tense, Jean can feel it, and even on the stage Eren's and the girl's voices seem to have quietened.
He tries to lighten the mood. “But come on, Armin! You're sixteen! We are in the age of kissing and... stuff. Haven't you ever even thought of kissing someone?”
It does not lighten the mood. At all. Armin looks at him straight in the eyes before running past him without answering.
~
Jean bitterly finds out that clubbing isn't really his thing.
He remembers that Eren talked about how magnificent life was after hitting the age of eighteen years old, how everything completely changed for him now that he is mature and sees everything from “a new perspective you have still to experience, Jean, but when your time will come, we'll see if you'll understand the true meaning of it”, but especially how fun going to adult’s club was. Jean is two months in his supposedly new life and honestly doesn't really feel like anything has changed at all. Except he has to pay full price for every place he visits now. And he can legally drink and go to clubs, yeah. Maybe Eren was right, he hasn't really grasped the meaning of adulthood yet.
He looks at said brunet and the rest of his friends dancing at the centre of the pub, throwing their hands in the air and shaking their heads along with the music. He then looks at himself, laying in a hidden couch in the corner of the room, sloshing around his alcoholic drink he doesn't really want to finish.
At least he is glad he's not the only one spending the night in this “self-deprecating way to enjoy youth” as Sasha sometimes calls it.
Both Armin and Bertholdt don't seem very keen on dancing and the three of them sit at the same table watching the others, lost in their thoughts.
He sees Armin sitting in front of him, chewing the straw of his drink that doesn't seem to have decreased at all since he bought it, and moving his mouth, but nothing comes out. Or rather, Armin did probably speak to him, but the music it too loud for Jean to understand.
He gestures towards his ear, mouthing slowly the words 'I can't hear you' and then pats the free spot next to him.
Armin smiles and gets up, goes around the table and plops on the couch with Jean. Jean feels his face heat up when the blond draws closer to him, and cups one hand around his ear to repeat what he said before.
“I said... You don't have to finish your drink if you don't want to... You didn't look like you wanted to finish it, I mean... It would make me feel slightly less bad for not finishing mine.” He giggles at himself and Jean feels that weird stomach flip feeling again.
“So you are saying that you are glad that I wasted my money?” Jean whispers back.
Armin jumps and leans away, covering his mouth with his hand, eyes wide open. He says something, but Jean, again, can't hear him.
He puts on a confused expression and asks out loud: “What?”
He doesn't expect Armin to look mortified, but the look on his face tells him that he feels sorry and responsible for Jean not hearing him. He closes the space between them again, and says straight to Jean's hear: “Sorry. My voice is really low. And kind of whisper-y.”
“I think your voice is really nice.” Jean says without thinking, and regrets it a second after. The blush spreading both on his and Armin's cheeks feels uncomfortable more that anything, and neither of them know how to react. It's not like Jean was lying, but maybe it's a bit weird to say that to your best friend. Especially if lately, you have started to feel something different about him. Jean can't really explain it, but Armin just looks so... pretty, even under the annoying blue neon lights.
His face is so close, and Jean can almost see the faint freckles that tend to spot his face in spring, can see how his fringe is a bit flattened and marks of sweat tint his forehead because of the heat of the room, and Jean has drank enough for the thought I might kiss him to cross his mind.
Can he, really? Armin is one of his best friends, what would happen if he really tries to kiss him? But he just looks so so pretty...
“Excuse me, I think I'm going to the bathroom.” A shout jolts him awake from his own thoughts and suddenly Jean seems to be aware how close to Armin's face he in fact is, and he suddenly remembers that Bertholdt was standing in front of them the whole time. Armin seems suddenly aware too, and he jumps away from him, nervously playing with a stray lock of his hair, before excusing himself and leaving him alone at the table, muttering something of how he needs to “find Eren and take a breath of fresh air outside.”
Jean tilts his head back on the couch and bites his tongue.
~
The beach is cold at night. Jean enjoys laying on the soft sand and listening to the lullaby of the ocean's waves, distorted and interrupted by the loud music and shouts of his friends nearby.
It's been three weeks since the end of everything and he already feels the familiar wave of nostalgia all over him, despite his wishes for this very moment for the last five years.
He hears someone approaching and the silhouette of Armin is barely visible in the dim light.
“So you are here. Sasha told me you should not get angry when I'll tell you that she finished the last beer.”
Jean snickers and scratches his nose. Beer is definitely the last of his problems now.
“Do you mind if I sit next to you?”
Jean answers by scooting a bit to the right, and patting the now empty spot next to him. Armin sits on the ground and lays back to rest on his elbows and then suddenly Jean laughs at him.
“What are you still wearing shoes for? Come on Armin, we are on the beach!”
Armin rolls his eyes, muttering something about being sensitive to the cold, but gets up enough for taking his sneakers off and places them away, resting neatly against each other. He wriggles his now bare feet just to let Jean have the satisfaction of it, and it does make Jean laugh again.
The sand is cold, but also really soft, and Armin likes to play with it, burying his hands in it, catching as much as possible and then watching it fall, waiting for Jean to say something or maybe waiting to find the words himself.
When they try to start a conversation, they both start speaking at the same time -“Hey listen” “Do you..” - and then they laugh, until Jean takes a deep breath and starts again.
“Do you want to feel the water?”
Armin smiles prettily and nods and Jean leads the way towards the sea. It's the first time he ever had a bath at night and by how Armin's eyes shine, it's probably his too. They can't really have a proper bath, but having the water at their calves is still good for them.
It's late enough for the water to be lukewarm, but Armin still is hesitant to take a first step in. It's actually kind of endearing, watching him trying to balance himself on the tip of his foot, tentatively feeling the water with the other.
They walk together until the water tickles their knees, the light of the moon shining upon them in an almost creepy glow.
It's a bit weird, lately, being around Armin. They have been friends for so long that outbursts of affection are normal to them, but Jean can feel that something is slightly different when it comes to Armin.
He likes to hug Eren when they are both pissed drunk and sing along off-key songs, he likes to hug Sasha when they go to see baseball matches at the stadium, but when he hugs Armin he feels like a knot in his stomach and finds himself wishing they could last more.
He wonders for how long he has felt this way, how he must bite down his lip when he and Armin are left accidentally in the same room alone, how he must look down to hide his blush, or how hard he tries to ignore the shiver on his fingertips when he affectionately pushes a strand of Armin's hair behind his ear, but everything leads to the conclusion that he likes Armin. Not just as a friend anymore, but with true, romantic feelings. Of course, he still wants them to be friends and buddies and all that, but he wishes that there could be also something more.
He had a crush before, Jean knows how to recognize the warm feeling in his chest, the flips his stomach does only when the other speaks to him... When you're crushing on your best friend, though, it's all of that but... increased.
Somehow he fears that he'll ruin everything with Armin, to the point he doesn't want to be his friend anymore. He lost touch with everyone of his ex, and can't keep but feel terribly awkward if he meets them around.
“Jean? You seem a bit spaced out.”
“Wha- yeah, sorry.”
Jean doesn't want to look at him in the face, so instead he glances down at the surface of the water and at their legs shining underneath.
“Is everything okay?”
Jean looks up to see Armin's concerned eyes and smiles. “Yes, I am okay.”
A second later Armin gently takes the tip of his forefinger, like he does when he is nervous and swings their arms slightly.
“What about you? Are you okay?”
Armin nods and looks up at the starry sky.
“Jean?” His voice his feeble. “Yes?”
And then Armin's arms are around him in a tight embrace, his nose buried in his neck.
“I'm a bit afraid.” He inhales deeply and Jean holds him back.
“Do you promise me we'll be friends even after all this?” The sound of his voice is muffled by the cloth of Jean's shirt. “I mean, now that high school is over and everyone will go for their own route.”
Jean doesn’t understand. Why would Armin even be afraid of something like that? Of course they will still be friend and keep in touch with each other... right?
He puts his hand gently on Armin's head and draws him even closer.
“Armin, hey, you don't have to worry about these things.”
“I know but... we all have been friends for so long, we've been in the same class since... since forever! And knowing all of that is over now is kind of surreal.”
“Armin! None of that is finished! Sure, high school is, but hey, that doesn’t mean we won't see each other ever again, yeah?
“I mean, look at Sasha! We were in class with her just in middle school yet... she's still here, with us! We still see her as much as possible and we don't think any less of her. And Connie, also Connie, we met him only three years ago, right? And yet he's best friend with Sash now, because he just came in our group of friends.
“And we are all here together for the same reason: a group of teenagers drunkenly partying for the end of high school. I know that uni seems weird, and we're going to meet a bunch of new people, but that's okay! You don't have to say those things. We will still be friends, we will never stop seeing each other, but most of all we will never stop caring about each other.”
He moves his shoulder a bit to shake Armin away from his thoughts and gets a laugh in response from the blond. Armin raises his head and smiles, but his eyes are watery.
Jean firmly takes his face between his palms, squishing his cheeks affectionately. “Hey listen, listen, let's do this. We are going to promise now that we'll see each other at least once a week, no matter what, okay?”
Armin tilts his head in confusion, and keeps looking at Jean deep in the eyes.
“I just don't mean if we hang out with the others on a weekend night, like... let's say that we two will meet every Wednesday morning at Cream & Spices before lessons start, yeah? That way you don't need to worry.”
He's so glad to see Armin smiling now.
“Why Wednesday?”
“Ehh... why? It's the first thing that came to my mind... it doesn’t really mean anything... I mean, today it's Wednesday right? Or it's already Thursday? I don't really know what time it is... If- if you want to change it's fine for me, I don-”
“Jean.” Armin interrupts him with a giggle.
Suddenly he turns his head and looks down, sheepish and blushing. He wriggles his feet underwater and his skin looks so pale under the glow of the sky.
“Honestly, I don't care what day we go. Wednesday is fine for me.”
“Great, so, we cool? Stick together forever?”
“Why are you whispering now?”
“I don't know. Because it's a personal thing? Sort of a secret, you know... Just between you and me. So, you promise?”
Armin's response clears Jean from every doubt and at the same time it seems to create twice as much many questions. The blonde raises on his tiptoes, creates little waves that tickles Jean's knees. The loud music and shouting from his friends on the shore melts in a buzzing, static noise when Jean feels the sweetness on Armin's lips at the corner of his mouth.
It's so tender and delicate, that for a moment he doesn't know if Armin wanted to aim for his cheek instead, and just missed.
“I- er, Jean...” Armin draws back and takes a few steps away from the other, determined not to look at him in the eyes. “I'm sor-”
“It's okay.” Jean interrupts him before he can finish. He doesn’t want Armin to apologize for something like that. He still can't quite believe it himself, that Armin really wanted to kiss him, but he tries to keep his composure and weight his words.
“I really like you Armin.” he says slowly.
“And you should know that, because you are my best friend, but I know that I like in you in a way that... I wouldn’t mind kissing.
“I mean, wait, let me rephrase that. I like you in a way where I would like kissing a lot.”
Armin doesn't say anything for a while and Jean can hear his own heart beating so fast. A chill breeze waves over the two of them, but both seem unaffected.
“Then... let's.”
Armin's voice is so low that Jean barely understood. “What?”
“I said... let's. Let's kiss. I would like that a lot too.”
The second, the third and the fourth time their lips touch it's an explosion of feelings, but at the same time it feels like the most natural thing in the world. Jean wonders for how long they had both felt this way, but he soon realizes that it doesn’t really matter, how or when the line between friendship and love disappeared.
He can hear in the distance someone calling their names, probably wondering where the hell they had been all this time. Armin looks at the bonfire behind him, before kissing one last time Jean on the lips.
“So, Wednesday morning?” he asks with a big smile on his face, trying to hide the blush spreading on his cheeks.
~
Snow in November means no actual Autumn, and Armin can only use his imagination to enjoy his beloved afternoons spent outside watching the leaves fall and melting in never-ending shades of oranges and browns.
Luckily, Cream & Spices still shows proudly its leaves-trimmed paper decorations hung all over the walls and fake chestnuts on every table, so that's compensating a bit for the lack of his favourite season this year.
The door of the café opens and a cold breeze enters, making Armin shiver despite being muffled with several layers of clothing, face hidden in a warm scarf.
Jean greets him with a gentle kiss on his temple, making a half joke of how Armin is too sensitive to the cold.
“How have you been? I missed you.”
“Jean, we saw each other two days ago.” Armin smiles, as both him and his boyfriend get in line for their traditional morning coffee. “But everything is fine. I'm studying a lot lately. What about you?”
“I'm fine. Lectures are hard, but I'm surviving.”
To think back, what happened four months before didn't change completely their relationship. They are still best friends, just with something more, but never something less.
Outside it starts to snow again and Armin groans because that means cold and general bad mood, while Jean jumps excitedly because that means “snowball fights with Jaeger and slides down the hill.”
Armin definitely prefers the indoors and a hot chocolate, and maybe a good book too.
It's their usual routine: Armin steals Jean's hat and puts it on himself, despite it falling on his eyes, Jean claims that he wants to try Armin's drink and tastes it by kissing his lips.
When it's only twenty minutes from the start of their lessons they part with a promise of seeing each other again in the evening. Jean hugs Armin tight, lifting him up slightly from the ground and buries his face in Armin's neck. For a moment, it seems like he wants to whisper something to him, but then he just kisses Armin's ear.
“Mhh? Jean?”
“See you soon, Armin.” he says, and then hurries towards the nearest bus stop, waving a goodbye.
Armin stays still for a moment, but then smiles and waves back.
He adjusts Jean's hat on himself and starts to walk towards school, and for once he really, really doesn't mind the snow.