Chapter Text
Love wasn't made for him.
Jeff had convinced himself of that and embraced the likelihood that his destiny might not involve building a family with someone.
The notion of solitude never intimidated him, and a sense of familial resignation always lingered, filling his chest with a void that should have been occupied by another.
But...
X-Hunter happened. Babe happened with Charlie, and then, Alan happened.
Jeff doesn't reproach himself for being vulnerable or for straying from his own resolutions. No one could fault him for seeking love or for following his heart.
Even though his brain reminded him daily of the perils of laying his heart bare, Jeff—perhaps for the first time—deliberately ignored his instincts and vocalized the desires stacked within his chest.
It's liberating—to feel that way, almost like walking on clouds. It's warm, secure—like Alan's arms or the comforting warmth of his torso embracing him from behind.
Jeff smiles to himself as he recalls Alan's embrace in bed this morning—how they kissed before getting up and how they showered together afterward.
He remembers how it felt to be pressed against the shower wall with Alan's body flush against his own. He remembers how much he wanted to stay there forever—wrapped up in each other, soaking wet under the hot water spraying down on them.
The memory is fresh and vivid; Jeff can still taste Alan's lips when he closes his eyes. He can still hear Alan whispering into his ear and feel the tingling sensation spreading throughout his body whenever Alan touched him.
It felt like a dream—a really good dream Jeff never wants to wake up from. But dreams end, eventually; reality always catches up to them.
And now, here he is—almost choking as he recalls the vision he got when he touched Alan's face this morning while he watched the older man sleep.
Jeff knows better than to ignore visions, especially the ones that come unexpectedly. He knows Alan will hurt him—that Alan will break his heart into pieces and leave him shattered.
Jeff knows he will beg for him to stay. He will plead with Alan to reconsider, to give them another chance because they are good together—because Jeff loves him and wants nothing more than to spend every day waking up next to him.
But none of that matters anymore; it's too late to stop the inevitable from happening.
Alan has already broken his heart, even if he doesn't know it yet. And Jeff knows begging will do no good because Alan won't change his mind once.
Jeff knows all of this because he saw it happen—he saw himself crying uncontrollably as he begged Alan to stay. He saw himself reaching out for Alan only to be pushed away by the older man.
He saw Alan walk out the door without looking back—without remorse or hesitation. He saw the pain reflected in Alan's eyes but also the resolve behind them. He saw Alan getting married to someone else—someone who isn't him.
Jeff saw it all happen right before his eyes—all because he touched Alan this morning while he slept.
All because he dared to hope for a future with someone. All because he let himself fall in love when he promised himself not to.
Jeff sighs heavily as he tries to push the vision aside, but it refuses to budge—it refuses to leave him alone.
"Fuck," he curses under his breath, feeling the tears welling up in his eyes.
His powers are a curse—a curse he wishes he didn't have most days. Jeff hates how they make him feel, how they rob him of happiness and leave him devastated and lonely. Jeff hates how they show him things he doesn't want to see—things he can't change no matter how hard he tries.
It seems he’s being overly dramatic—there have been visions far worse, scenes steeped in terror: the chill of death, the chaos of accidents, the raw sting of pain, the crimson spills of blood...
Yet...
Why is it that he feels as though his heart is being wrenched from his chest, trampled beneath an indifferent heel?
It’s not Alan’s fault. Why should Alan bear the blame for Jeff’s cursed gift?
It's almost ironic to think that Jeff was so afraid of becoming a burden to Alan, and in the end, he's the one left disappointed.
Perhaps what he hates the most about his powers isn't precisely the ability to see the future.
No, what he loathes the most is the inability to feel hope.
Because when the endgame is already known, hope becomes a hollow echo, making the acts of yearning, aspiring, and scheming seem tragically futile.
And... if everything is futile, what is his purpose in life?
Humankind has eternally pursued fulfillment of desires in myriad forms. Yet, if the journey's end is predetermined, if the paths are etched in stone before he even dares to tread them, then what merit lies in the journey?
What purpose persists when the narrative is already penned?
What meaning exists when the story already ends before it begins?
Jeff's power renders him helpless. It makes him feel like he's merely watching life unfold before him—like he's just a spectator who can only observe events as they occur, unable to influence or change anything.
He feels trapped—trapped inside a prison of his own making with no way out. He feels like he's suffocating—like he's drowning in an ocean of despair with no one to save him.
He feels alone—so utterly alone and hopeless.
Jeff takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself down. He knows he's overreacting—that he's being melodramatic and irrational.
He knows he should talk to Alan about this—about the vision he got this morning. But he also knows Alan will try to reassure him—that he'll tell Jeff not to worry and that he loves him.
Jeff knows Alan will mean every word he says because Alan isn't a liar.
And the worst part is that Jeff will believe it, attempt to erase what he saw, and plunge into a perpetual state of false happiness, awaiting the day when his heart would be shattered.
He understands that the most rational course of action is to distance himself before becoming even more attached than he already is. But… who is he trying to deceive, after all? Jeff acknowledges the inevitable: heartbreak is on the horizon.
Now or later, it doesn’t matter. Time won’t diminish the pain. After all, this is the first time his heart is laid bare, and despite his efforts to reconstruct the iron wall around it, Alan will poke holes until it can no longer be mended.
He despises that vision and hates that it occurs unintentionally. Many claimed to envy him; many desired to have his powers, but deep down, no one would truly comprehend how he feels. His mind is crowded yet paradoxically lonely, like an endless abyss.
In those moments, he envies Charlie’s optimism. His brother always seeks the silver lining, and perhaps that’s the most significant contrast between them. It's why Jeff has dedicated himself to fostering Charlie's joy, often at the expense of his own elusive happiness.
What is happiness for Jeff, afterall?
He ruminates on the possibilities: money is merely a means; fame has no allure for a man who cherishes his privacy; social standing leaves him indifferent, for he is accustomed to thriving in the shadows
Love? He had long rejected that notion as a path to fulfillment.
And yet, it was Alan who had unexpectedly illuminated Jeff's world. Alan, with his old-fashioned remarks, relentless determination, and endearing quirks.
His lovely dimples, the radiance of his smile—these were the flashes of joy piercing Jeff's perennial dusk.
Jeff knows Alan loves him. He sees it in the way Alan looks at him, hears it in the words he whispers into his ear, feels it in the way Alan touches him.
Jeff knows Alan loves him, but it's not enough—not when he knows Alan will leave him eventually. It's not enough when he knows Alan will break his heart and shatter his soul into pieces.
Love is not enough to erase the vision he got this morning. It's not enough to make him forget what he saw—what he knows will happen.
Even so, Jeff remains steadfast by Alan's side because he loves him—because he wants to savor every moment they share together. Because he wants to hold Alan for as long as the older man allow him to.
Perhaps this is the sensation of first love—everything is heightened: love feels boundless, much like the accompanying pain. In a few years, Jeff will likely chuckle at how he quietly shed tears into his pillow, resisting the tempting invitations to spend the night at Alan's house.
He had always trusted in his resilience, rationality, and strength, but now he feels like the boy Alan had consistently encouraged him to be.
His visions weren't precise enough to provide the exact date of Alan's departure, but it hardly matters. Half-truths can be as deceitful as absolute falsehoods. In this case, Jeff knows it's just an inevitability, like countless others that have passed before his eyes, but he can do nothing to alter them.
And despite Jeff's efforts to create some distance between them, he's too feeble to deny himself the right to have Alan exclusively—for a brief eternity, for a forever that might last only a few years—or a few days.
They say the best part of dating someone—loving someone—is the beginning. The butterflies, the anticipation, the intensity of feelings, the passion—everything is unforgettable, especially when it's the first time. Jeff should be relishing that moment to the fullest, not succumbing to melancholy and fear for something that hasn't happened yet.
But... who could blame him?
On that night, Alan unexpectedly visited his apartment, and immediately, a tightness settled in his chest, both from longing and the flashes of his vision that always occurred upon seeing Alan again.
Still, he smiles at him and invites him inside.
"Why are you here?" Jeff asks as he closes the door behind Alan.
"I wanted to see you," Alan replies, pulling Jeff closer and wrapping his arms around the younger man. "Is that okay?"
Jeff smiles and nods, resting his head against Alan's chest. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply, savoring the scent of Alan's cologne.
Alan kisses Jeff's forehead and tightens his embrace. He rests his chin on top of Jeff's head and closes his eyes, enjoying the silence that surrounds them.
"Are you hungry, Uncle? I can order takeout for us," Jeff offers after a while, looking up at Alan.
Alan smiles and shakes his head. He leans down and presses his lips against Jeff's, kissing him softly.
Jeff sighs into the kiss and wraps his arms around Alan's neck, pulling him closer. He opens his mouth and allows Alan to deepen the kiss, moaning quietly as Alan's tongue explores his mouth.
When they finally break apart, they're both panting slightly. Alan cups Jeff's face with his hands and caresses his cheeks gently.
"I already told you. I’m here because I missed you." Alan says, smiling fondly at Jeff.
Jeff blushes and averts his gaze, feeling his heart fluttering in his chest. He clears his throat and steps away from Alan, walking towards the living room.
"Stop saying creepy stuff like that," Jeff mumbles, sitting down on the couch.
Alan chuckles and follows him, sitting down next to Jeff. He wraps his arm around the younger man's shoulders and pulls him close, kissing his temple.
Jeff rolls his eyes and leans into Alan's embrace, resting his head on the older man's shoulder. They sit in comfortable silence for a while, simply enjoying each other's presence.
Eventually, Jeff turns to look at Alan. He reaches out and brushes his fingers against Alan's cheek, tracing the outline of his jaw. Alan smiles and captures Jeff's hand in his own, bringing it to his lips and kissing his knuckles.
"Why don't you show me how much you missed me then?" Jeff suggests.
Alan grins and leans down, capturing Jeff's lips in a passionate kiss. He pushes Jeff down onto the couch and hovers above him, trailing kisses along his neck.
Jeff closes his eyes and moans quietly, tangling his fingers in Alan's hair. He arches his back and grinds his hips against Alan's, eliciting a groan from the older man.
Jeff loves the noises Alan makes—the quiet gasps and moans that escape his lips whenever Jeff touches him. It makes him feel powerful, knowing that he can bring Alan such pleasure.
Alan is caring and attentive, ensuring Jeff's comfort and satisfaction before pursuing his own release. Jeff appreciates Alan's thoughtfulness, but he also enjoys when Alan loses control, when he lets go of his inhibitions and gives in to his desires.
It's intoxicating—to see Alan unravel beneath his touch, to feel Alan's hands gripping his hips tightly, to hear Alan's breathless pleas for more.
Jeff loves every second of it—every moment spent together with Alan. He loves how it feels to be held by Alan, how it feels to be loved by him.
He loves Alan, and he knows Alan loves him too.
But...
Jeff knows it won't last. Jeff knows it, yet he chooses to stay by Alan's side—chooses to love him with every fiber of his being because it's worth it—because Alan is worth it.
Jeff knows Alan will leave him eventually, but until that day comes, he'll cherish every moment they spend together—every kiss, every touch, every whisper of affection.
He's unsure when he became so pathetic or devoid of self-love. Perhaps it's because he never truly valued himself enough to weigh his decisions on a scale, especially when it came to matters of the heart. Now, he realizes he's always been resolute in everything: consistently closed off to falling in love, and now, determined to love until it becomes painful.
He smiles amid the kiss and lets out a soft moan when Alan thrusts particularly harder, skillfully caressing his sweet spot. His nails trace gentle paths down the older man's back, leaving a temporary mark that will be evidence of the pleasure he provided Jeff that night. It's a fleeting mark, one that will likely last only from sunrise to sunset. In the end, nothing lasts forever—neither happiness nor pain. Everything is transient, and perhaps what mattered was what was felt in those moments.
Jeff wants to remember the feeling of being the brightest star in Alan's constellation, or the only one that mattered. It might seem arrogant for Jeff to desire his happiness to last forever, and selfish to want to keep Alan with him indefinitely. Ultimately, even the sun with its infinite warmth and the stars with their incomparable brilliance are transient, lasting only momentarily.
Nevertheless, Jeff wishes it were eternal.
"Please..." he moans, not entirely sure what he's pleading for.
Alan responds by increasing the pace of his thrusts, causing Jeff to cry out in pleasure. He buries his face in the crook of Alan's neck, muffling his cries as he nears his climax.
"Let me hear your voice, kid," Alan murmurs, cupping Jeff's face and lifting it so he can look into his eyes.
Jeff whimpers and bites his lip, trying to suppress the sounds escaping his mouth. Alan smiles fondly at him and leans down, kissing him softly.
"Don't hide from me, Jeff," Alan whispers, brushing his thumb across Jeff's cheek. "I want to hear you."
Jeff nods and closes his eyes, letting out a loud moan as Alan continues to pound into him. He grips Alan's shoulders tightly, clinging to him desperately as his orgasm approaches.
"Uncle, please... I'm so close..." he gasps, arching his back and grinding his hips against Alan's.
Alan groans and captures Jeff's lips in a heated kiss, swallowing his moans of ecstasy. He quickens the pace of his thrusts, bringing Jeff over the edge.
Jeff cries out as he reaches his climax, trembling in Alan's arms. Alan soon follows, grunting as he spills inside Jeff.
They lie there for a few moments, basking in the afterglow of their lovemaking. Eventually, Alan pulls out and stands up, picking Jeff up bridal style.
Jeff laughs softly and wraps his arms around Alan's neck, burying his face in the older man's chest.
"Put me down, Uncle," Jeff protests weakly, though he makes no attempt to escape Alan's embrace.
Alan chuckles and carries Jeff to the bathroom, setting him down gently on the edge of the bathtub. He starts the water and waits for it to fill, turning to Jeff and smiling fondly at him.
Jeff smiles back and reaches out, grabbing Alan's hand and intertwining their fingers. Alan leans down and kisses Jeff's forehead, squeezing his hand lightly.
"I love you, kid," he whispers, gazing at Jeff with adoration.
Jeff's heart skips a beat, and he feels tears welling up in his eyes. He looks away, blinking rapidly to hold back the tears threatening to fall. Alan notices this and frowns, kneeling down in front of Jeff.
"What's wrong, Jeff?" he asks, cupping Jeff's face with his free hand and forcing the younger man to look at him.
Jeff shakes his head and smiles sadly, leaning into Alan's touch. He places his hand on top of Alan's and closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.
"Nothing, Uncle. I just... I love you too," Jeff replies, opening his eyes and gazing at Alan with all the love he feels for him.
"Why are you lying to me, Jeff? Tell me what's bothering you." Alan insists, searching Jeff's eyes for answers. "You are not okay. I've noticed how you distance yourself lately, and I know you're avoiding me. Why?"
Jeff sighs and averts his gaze, staring at the tiled floor. He knows Alan deserves an explanation, but he doesn't want to burden the older man with his problems. He wants Alan to enjoy every moment they have together without worrying about Jeff's emotional turmoil.
"Jeff, please tell me what's wrong," Alan pleads, gently stroking Jeff's cheek with his thumb. "Let me help you."
Jeff hesitates for a moment before finally relenting. He takes a deep breath and looks at Alan, mustering up the courage to speak.
"I saw something, Uncle. Something that hurts me..." he confesses, his voice barely above a whisper.
Alan furrows his brows in confusion, but he remains silent, waiting for Jeff to continue.
"I saw us, Uncle. I saw us breaking up," Jeff explains, his voice cracking as he speaks. "I'm sorry. I swear it was accidental. I saw it when I touched your face. I didn't mean to do that."
"Jeff... I..."
"It's okay, P'Alan." Jeff musters a broken smile. "I know it's not your fault. I shouldn't be suffering in anticipation, but the thought that eventually, you'll leave me, even if I beg you to stay is—,"
Alan cuts Jeff off by pulling him into a tight embrace. He strokes Jeff's hair soothingly, trying to calm the younger man down.
"Jeff, listen to me. I will never leave you. I promise," Alan vows, holding Jeff close. "I love you, and I will always be by your side. You don't have to worry about anything, okay?"
Jeff sniffles and nods, clinging to Alan desperately. He knows Alan means what he says, but he can't help but fear the inevitable. He knows Alan loves him, but he also knows Alan will eventually leave him.
"Uncle, I'm scared," Jeff admits, burying his face in the crook of Alan's neck. "I'm scared of losing you."
Alan tightens his embrace, silently reassuring Jeff that he's there for him. He gently rubs circles on Jeff's back, comforting the younger man.
"I'm here, Jeff. I'm here," Alan repeats, whispering reassurances into Jeff's ear.
They stay like this for a while, holding each other close. Eventually, Alan pulls away and gazes at Jeff with concern.
"Jeff, I know you have faith in your powers, but I believe we make our own destinies. We decide what happens to us. Whatever you saw, it's not set in stone. We can change it, Jeff. Together, we can overcome anything," Alan declares, determination evident in his voice.
A brief silence hangs in the air until a faint smile blossoms on Jeff's lips, accompanied by something that closely resembles hope.
Fragile, almost imperceptible, like a small flower emerging amidst weeds, akin to the timid first growth of a leaf on a tree desiccated by the cold winter, but it's there.
"Every new decision is a new possibility, Jeff. Nothing is entirely black and white," the older one affirms, tenderly touching the other's face. "Besides, more important than fanciful notions like destiny is the path itself and the people who accompany you. And I will always be by your side."
Jeff smiles and leans into Alan's touch, closing his eyes. He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, releasing the tension in his body.
"I think needed to hear that." Jeff chuckles softly. "Thank you, Uncle."
"Besides, I’m way too old to run away from my responsibilities," Alan jokes, grinning mischievously at Jeff.
Jeff rolls his eyes and playfully hits Alan's chest.
"Am I a responsibility? How romantic," Jeff retorts sarcastically, though he can't help but smile at Alan's words.
Alan laughs and kisses Jeff's forehead, pulling the younger man into a tight embrace.
"You're not a responsibility. You’re the love of my life, Jeff. I would do anything for you," Alan declares, gazing at Jeff with adoration.
Jeff blushes and averts his gaze, his heart fluttering in his chest. He buries his face in the crook of Alan's neck, trying to hide his embarrassment.
"Uncle, stop saying embarrassing things," Jeff mumbles, his voice muffled by Alan's skin.
Alan chuckles and kisses the top of Jeff's head, inhaling deeply and savoring Jeff's scent. He holds Jeff close, treasuring every moment they spend together.
"I love you, Jeff." Alan whispers, his voice filled with affection. "This is the only thing I know for certain, kid. No matter what happens, I will always love you."
Jeff smiles against Alan's skin, tears stinging his eyes once more. He closes his eyes and clings to Alan, vowing to cherish every moment they have together—no matter how fleeting.
In the end, all they can do is live each moment to the fullest—to love unconditionally, without hesitation or fear of what may come tomorrow—and hope that it lasts forever.
Because sometimes, hope is stronger than despair. Hope is stronger than fear. Hope is stronger than doubt. And hope is capable of changing fate itself.
Hope is capable of defying destiny.
Alan holds that belief, and so does Jeff.