Chapter Text
Zane had seen this coming. The fight, not walking out. He hadn't outwardly reacted when Kai decided to leave, it was Kai's choice. He mourned the loss of a brother, but he didn't need to check his data to know that they could live without him. Sure he might've meant a lot to them, but he never really did much and was mostly simply in the way (Or so he thought). See, Zane hadn't realized how much Kai helped him or affected his life. He might be a nindroid, but he was still human, he had the data but it didn't mean he knew everything, it meant that he could gather the information and call upon it easily, nothing more, nothing less.
He didn't stay clueless for long, he didn't even need to call upon that data. You see, Zane was one of 3 people on the ship who knew how to cook or help in the kitchen. The other two people were Wu and... Kai. Zane was the designated cook, seeing as he knew the most recipes, the better technique, etc. So the loss of Kai's cooking should've been non-existent.
So the first week without Kai was "wobbly" but fine for the nindroid, the second week, not so much. Zane had never realized it before, but Kai had helped him in the preparations a lot more than he thought. Zane and Kai would cut everything and prepare everything so that he would have everything when needed. If he ever forgot something, Kai would remind him or already have the item ready for when Zane remembered.
So let's just say that the second week in, it took him a lot longer to cook. He now had to prepare everything by himself, make sure he remembered everything perfectly. If he forgot to prepare something, he now had to figure out a way to get it without ruining whatever he is doing. And he can't ask for help! Cause no one else is safe, or efficient or even wants to help in the food preparation! So as Zane cut the vegetables and prepared all that is needed for tonight’s supper half an hour earlier than usual, he very quickly realized that Kai had been of great help... and company.
He was now left all alone in the kitchen, when usually he would have small talk or the silent company of Kai. Zane couldn't help but look over his shoulder once in a while, hoping that he would look back and see Kai looking out the window or playing on his phone. The silence was weary and made him uncomfortable, Zane had started playing music to drown out the silence that orbits the kitchen and left him to wander his mind and forget the task at hand. It doesn't work very well.
Of course he wasn't always alone, the others checked in. Nya would slump in and would sit down and simply exist in his presence. She never talked much but having her at his side was better than having no one. Other times it was Lloyd who simply had too much time on his hands now that he and Kai aren’t getting up to mischief. He remembers, he and Kai attempting to teach Lloyd to cook and ending up with the stove on fire. But their visits weren’t as often as Kai.
Cole and Jay didn't visit as often and Wu never entered the kitchen. He would simply listen to music with Cole, and Jay would be tinkering away. The team’s visits were always very welcomed and appreciated but they were few and far between. Leading to Zane slowly getting lonely, he missed the easy conversations, the funny jokes, just the steady presence of Kai at his side as he cooked for their family.
It's not just in the Kitchen that he misses his company or their easy banter. He misses their midnight talks. They didn't happen often, but they always soothed Zane. He often laid awake, contemplating and being uncertain of himself. He could always simply turn off, but he could never bring himself to. Every time he thought of pressing the button, his body would freeze up and he couldn't move. He simply laid there and thought, listening to his brother's steady breaths, simply watching the silhouette of a tree swaying the breeze and asked himself…
Was he human?
His heart says yes... but his mind reminds him that he doesn't have one... that he is nothing but wires, metal and switches.
On nights like these, Kai would slowly creep down the ladder as silent as the ninja that he is, if Zane is lost in his mind enough. Kai could make it all the way to his bed before Zane notices his movements. Zane then would move over to make some space on his bunk, leading to Kai sitting down and holding his hand. He never found out how Kai knew that Zane was awake, but he did. And every single time, without fail he helped him out.
"Am I human?" "Yes” The way that Kai said it so calmly, resolutely, oftentimes ended the conversation right there. Zane needed nothing more than just the simple yes. Kai would then hold his hand for a while longer until Zane fell asleep. Other times, when Zane's day had been a little rougher he asked another question.
"But I'm simply made of wires?" "But you show empathy, you grieve, you care, you make mistakes and most of all... you are Zane." The conversation could end here as well, because Kai is right, he is Zane, he cares and has empathy, he mourns and feels losses just as any human would. Kai would then give him a hug and hold his hand until he fell asleep. But alas on the most difficult of nights, the ones where his mind won't give in as easily, he asks the final two questions that always leave him at ease.
"Even if I don't have a heart?" "But you do have a heart? It simply has a different form than ours." So simple, that oftentimes he wonders why he couldn't make himself understand it on his own. "So then, I'm human?" "As human as any of us." So heartfelt and sure. No room for Zane to argue, to doubt. And so, every single time, without fail, all doubts left his mind, leaving him in the clutches of peaceful sleep.
Sadly, now he lays awake at night, waiting for Kai to join him, to hold his hand, to reassure him through his answers to the same questions he's asked all these years. But he no longer gets that, Kai isn't here, the top bunk is left undisturbed and cold. No hand gently holds his until he falls asleep. If the others noticed his lack of sleep... then none mentioned it, it's not like it's affecting him. He doesn't need sleep... he's not truly human.
Just how he doesn't need sleep, he doesn't need much in general, this leading to him having a lot less stuff laying about then the others. But being a lot more responsible then the others leads to him cleaning the Bounty and the monastery on his own. The others of course cleaned up after themselves, mostly... see they weren't dirty, anything that could become a problem or bother others was usually cleaned up quickly. But the living room could be left a mess, or the kitchen can have clutter build up. Small things like that.
At first he was able to keep up, he would deep clean once every two weeks. But just as cooking got harder the second week. So did the cleaning. The cleaning slowly but surely became more of a hassle, it would take him longer as the Bounty and monastery became dirtier faster then he could clean it. He didn't understand! He was doing everything as he had always done, everyone else was doing everything as they'd always done. With Kai gone it actually should've been easier!
Slowly losing the cleaning battle, he searched in his memories, his database, for any indication as to why it got harder all of a sudden. It didn't take long before he found camera footage of Kai doing the chores. Turns out that he and Kai had been alternating weeks for who knows how long and that's how everything stayed clean. A sad smile crossed Zane's face seeing as how Kai had made his life just slightly easier, that he had given Zane a break and help in ways that almost seemed non-existent.
Kai knew that there were cameras in the monastery and so as he cleaned he would look up and smile, not grin, smile. Zane was taken aback the first time, he took a screenshot of said smile. Sooner into their time at the monastery, Kai started to narrate what he was doing. He walked around the place, cleaning and giving advice about the best way to clean certain problems (Zane took notes) After a while it seemed as though he was talking directly to him, he told Zane about places that he always forgot to clean, told him about who was making the mess and why. He deeply treasures these videos, he thought of showing them to the others, but it felt too personal, like this was only for his eyes.
Zane, realizing that he wouldn't be able to do it all on his own, tried to enlist the help of the others for the chores... but they had all brushed him off or ignored his need for help. He spoke too softly, and so no one truly listened, it didn't end at the chores though. His input on plans, advice, ideas, all of it was being ignored, he couldn't see why they were doing this now... ok he can admit that Kai spoke up for him, but most of the time the others would listen to him without needing Kai. Now it seemed as though everyone was talking over each other and he wasn't being loud enough.
Kai would've made a joke about not being able to do three things at once and then would’ve told them to go again one at a time. If Kai had heard a good idea from someone in particular, then he would divert everyone’s attention to them first... it just so happens to often be Zane. It always made Zane feel seen, appreciated.
It isn't to say that the others didn't give him a turn to talk, or gave him space to talk, they tried. Sometimes Lloyd takes the lead and makes everyone go one by one, other times Nya tells everyone to shut up and we simply let Wu choose. It works, but it's not efficient and takes time. It also means that he doesn't get picked as often, because Cole always goes before him and Cole has decent ideas.
It sends a pang of pain to his heart whenever he remembers Kai sticking up for him and letting him take the lead. Because Kai believed in him, his ideas, his plans and would follow them with only a glint of doubt, but mostly trust. But the others were simply stressed and couldn't take the time to hear him out and Zane spoke quietly and never pushed for himself, always waiting for someone to advocate for him... and turns out, it was often Kai.
Zane missed Kai so much, he wishes he could go back in time and express more gratitude towards him. He might not have always been the most helpful but he was in ways that none of them realized mattered. As Zane watches his family slowly crumble and scramble to place new supports where Kai used to hold them up, he remembers that each and every one of them plays a crucial role in each other's lives, that sometimes things we might not find too important can sometimes be the difference between being functional and being destroyed.
He hugged Cole closer and rubbed Jay's back as it finally hit the group one year later. Lloyd was swaddled in Nya’s arms and Nya in Jay’s as Cole stared into nothing, no indication that he was home. Wu meditated beside them, Zane could pinpoint all the times that Wu stuttered in his breathing or slowly started slouching. Nya kept trying to reassure Lloyd but her voice was unsteady, it wavered and broke often. Lloyd would simply keep crying, trying to meld into one with his sister. It broke Zane’s heart; he wishes he could help them all in the way that Kai had helped him.
Kai had done so much for them, and they had never truly said thank you. Zane couldn't cry, not truly but in that moment he wished he could. He could feel every emotion that went with tears that he couldn’t shed. It felt horrid, but that's what makes him human isn't it? The fact that he can feel, love and mourn. Kai wasn’t here with them and now they had to figure it out without him, it would take many years, all of them knew that, but they all knew that at some point things would be back to being as close to normal as they can be.
From that day on, Zane always tried to rope one or more ninja into helping him with food. Because Kai had made him realize that it's a team effort and shouldn't lay solely on his shoulders. Slowly but surely, help in the kitchen became common, silence didn't weigh on his shoulders and invade his mind. Cooking became easier, he didn't have to worry about forgetting anything. It seems that the others didn't mind helping out too much, even pitching in ideas on what to make when it was their turn to help.
Jay always tried to put in more spices then was necessary and would then pout when he got caught. Nya could wash everything extremely well and could handle a knife even better, they always talked about a new project that they had going on. Cole and him still listened to music, but now they would discuss it, and would give insight and knowledge about whatever the other wanted to know (Cole had dived in head first to help Zane out). Lloyd wasn’t very skilled in the kitchen, but they had great conversations about myths and legends, sometimes Zane would zone out and let Lloyd talk. (On the anniversary of Kai leaving, he always cooks in the kitchen alone.)
He still missed Kai's presence at his side. The others could never truly fill the space that he had left, could never replicate the conversations or silent company that Kai emitted. But he appreciated it nonetheless, if anything he learned to appreciate his family for helping him and taking some loads off his shoulders even if it took quite a few years for them to have gotten to the point where he didn't have to force someone to join him, but eventually he didn't.
Zane still lays awake at night, ruffling his sheets, contemplating. But now he replays the last Night Talk he and Kai had, over and over again until he feels comforted enough that he can fall asleep. He could always have told someone, but he simply didn't want them to know of his dilemma. He was handling it well enough and he knew that they would all worry and try to console him in ways that would just make him uncomfortable.
They were simply too nice, they would smother him and make him feel bad for ever thinking such thoughts, and that wasn't healthy either. So he kept it to himself. When some days were harder than others, he would lay in Kai's bed (If someone else wasn't already) and remember the ways in which he was human, all the qualities he shares with his family. It didn't always work, but it kept him functional and moving forward. Kai’s bed made him feel safe, the red sheets looked maroon in the lighting of the moon. Zane would lay on his side, back to the wall and simply listen, listen to his brothers breathing, the breeze outside.
When he started asking the others to help in the kitchen, he also asked Wu to make them understand that they needed to help with the chores. Wu assembled them in the living room and gave them a harsh reprimand about setting all the chores on his shoulders. This led to almost everyone glaring at him for almost a week straight. Cole had been on his side and tried to
convince the others.
When Zane couldn’t take it anymore he explained to them that Kai use to help him and that now it was becoming too much, that it stressed him out and left him with dread for chore day, he finally told them that he needed help. They had all lost their glares in an instant and had rushed to hug him, to reassure him and to thank him. They said their apologies and asked him why he hadn’t said so sooner, instead of asking Wu. He had finally told them his dilemma about speaking up and they apologized again.
It took quite a few years before he no longer had to pull them by the ears to clean up after themselves. Of course they wanted to help, but learning to do chores and willingly putting time aside for them takes time. Zane had been patient. Chore days became filled with laughter as Cole played his music, rocking out or swaying with the songs as he picked up his room and helped out with the dusting, Zane often joined him, if he wasn’t already cleaning the mechs and other tech with Nya.
Nya took to cleaning like fish to water, everyone was quite jealous. She explained that Kai had taught her how to clean, but that she simply never had too since he did it for her. Her and Zane often finished their chores first seeing as they had the most experience. So they would end up watching Jay and Lloyd do their chores.
Jay and Lloyd would make petty races and games between themselves for motivation. It started with Lloyd making a joke of beating Jay at finishing cleaning his room, Jay took it personally and “beat” Lloyd the next time. From there it turned into little fights, races and games that made the day fun. Zane and Nya always voted on who would win, so far Lloyd was winning since his room was never too dirty to begin with.
Zane's sure that if Kai was here now, he would be smiling wide and would have joined them in their games or danced with Cole. It hurts to know that he might never be here with them again. That he could never see how close they had all grown to one another from realization that they all meant so much to each other. Him leaving was a wake up call they all needed, he wouldn’t say that they were better, sometimes they all missed how things used to be. But everything was alright.
Zane wishes he could say thank you, at least one last time. He wishes he had reacted more when he chose to leave.