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How difficult could it be for someone to hold their lover's hand?
All you had to do was reach out, slip your own hand into theirs, and entwine your fingers so tightly that it created an earthquake in your stomach.
It wasn't even meant to be difficult in the first place.
Johnny, on the other hand, had been going through the most challenging war of his life and he sure had seen some awful ones. Brainstorms to well thought plans, potential reactions to his own responses— he outlined every necessity and scenario that could occur. He also made guesses about possible locations, but in the end, he had nothing.
Nothing with a huge, high quality middle finger from the universe.
Every attempt to finally hold Simon's hand, exactly twenty-four times, failed. He felt as though fate had been playing tricks on him. It was either some soldier popping up like a jumpscare, or sudden ring of a phone. If it weren’t for them, Simon would be moving his hand to grab something or swinging his arm behind the couch to sit closer.
The last attempt failed when Simon casually slipped his hand into his pocket, and the one before that was unsuccessful due to the loud ding of the ancient coffee machine.
Johnny was on the verge of losing his mind and hiding in a corner to cry; maybe he could offer himself a lame hug for consolation. Meanwhile he tried all of these, his boyfriend was as blind as a bat. He simply hadn't noticed anything, which made things even harder.
Johnny also wasn't sure how he would actually react and it left things in a blur.
Only three months ago, they gave their relationship a title, but the issue wasn't even their level of intimacy; not when they hit the home run as the first step. Kisses were melting and hugs were cozy, but holding hands hadn't been checked yet.
It had to be soon, or else he didn’t know how to go on. He wasn’t being dramatic, he was fighting.
Best opportunity for it was their occasional nighttime walks. Nobody around to comment on it or cast them confused glances. The stars could set up a romantic atmosphere with the balmy air of spring, and Johnny would just do it.
Wasn't it as simple as that?
''So I told him not to leave the armory,'' Simon explained, walking a bit ahead of him and talking about what happened this morning. ‘’Told him it would be on him.’’
"Hmm?"
Johnny wasn't stupid enough not to listen when Simon spoke for more than a minute; he just couldn't take his eyes off of his hand. It was right there, close to his blue jeans, inviting him.
It was one of those peaceful nights when they managed to find time for a short walk. It was just how he imagined it— deserted, aglow with endless stars and city lights. The sound of the river was a calming melody, with the wind passing by them from time to time.
He still remembered their third kiss, in this riverside, with his heart trying to grow wings and fly high. Simon was too gentle with him that day, leaning against the barriers, and embracing his waist as Johnny stood between his legs. It felt as if he was a porcelain doll for him to care for and cherish.
Johnny couldn’t understand why they hadn't held hands before or why it felt so complicated when everything else was so natural.
Simon hadn't tried either. Johnny didn't really mind it because he was the one who initiated many of their firsts as his lover wasn't used to tender side of dating.
He gave him a dizzying kiss first, he pushed him on the bed to settle on his lap. He would crawl into his embrace on movie nights, or turn around while sharing a bed to cuddle. Johnny liked initiating things too, because if he took one step, Simon took three.
Just move your damn arm, it’s right there!
For some reason, he felt that something had been tied around his wrist, pulling it down with thousands of tons. Simon's voice was a distant echo as he continued to tell himself just to do it.
He couldn't stop wondering what kind of reaction his lover would give him. When they first kissed, Simon had a bit of a hard time lifting his head and instead hid in his neck. It was cute, true, but Johnny worried about the potential for a negative reaction.
What if Simon jerked his hand away out of worry since they were outside? Johnny would rather leap into the river. What if his hand was a little too sweaty? Or perhaps, it could be too cold. A worse-case scenario would be if Simon simply disliked it.
While dating him was like jumping on puffy clouds, nobody could guarantee that Simon would like it. Was he even the kind of guy to hold hands? He wasn't as cold as he made himself out to be, but Johnny knew it was a fifty-fifty thing.
What’s wrong with you?!
‘’So Price told me to wait,’’ Johnny didn't hear a word, so he wasn't sure where Simon was in his story— hopefully not the end. ‘’I don’t know why I should though, I clearly ordered him.’’
Oh shit.
The moment his hand moved, rising a mere centimeter, Simon huffed and shoved both hands into his jacket pockets. He continued to walk at the same pace, unaware that Johnny was slowing down with sadness.
With a confused expression, his hand hovered in the air, and a pout slowly formed on his lips, one he couldn't prevent.
He was ready this time.
The sound of his dreams crushing and pouring down his head grew louder each time, as if to show how much of a loser he was. Nothing but grabbing his hand, and holding it like a lifeline, yet he failed again.
Twenty-fifth failure.
His gloomy gaze lifted to see if Simon noticed anything, but the answer was a clear no.
-
‘’Don’t play if you will cry, Johnny.’’
‘’No one’s crying!’’ He struggled to breathe out as his lungs threatened collapse, but he still snapped back at him. "’That was a dick move!’’
‘’I’d say you are just blind.’’
‘’Look who’s talkin’ about being blind.’’ Whispering to himself, Johnny took a few steps to regain his composure.
They had been in a friendly spar for the last twenty minutes because he had faith he could take Simon down in twenty-five. Their conversation took a turn thanks to his boyfriend's mocking attitude and unnecessary calmness, evolving into a rat race. It was mostly on his side, but not like he was giving up.
Normally, he couldn't win against Simon in less than thirty minutes, and it didn't look like he would this time either. It was an impulsive decision to offer him a match in the middle of the night, and now his pride was severely injured, laying somewhere on the ground.
He knew Simon’s weak spots, but Simon knew that he knew them.
Because of this, Johnny struggled to land strong hits, his fatigue from the long day adding to the challenge. Simon, however, showed no mercy. The back of his left thigh was going to have a huge, ugly bruise on it.
Can’t even go soft on his boyfriend!
‘’Do you want to yield, Johnny?’’ It was supposed to be an objective question, but he recognized the teasing glint in those pretty browns. If only he weren’t so desperately in love with him.
‘’Not a chance.’’
Not like Simon only had physical weakness to poke.
Keeping his guard up, he carefully got closer and searched for an oppurtunity to trick him. As Simon threw a right hook, Johnny smoothly dodged it and seized his wrist, swiftly transitioning into a joint lock to push him down a little bit.
When Simon grabbed his wrist, he let him think that it was easy to get out of it, and ducked under his arm to grab him by the collor. Kicking towards his ankles, he slammed him onto the mat and straddled his lap in a second.
As he pushed his arms on his chest, Johnny beamed. ‘’Told you I could take you down.’’
‘’I haven’t lost yet, Johnny.’’
‘’You’re about to.’’
Smiling at his innocent confusion, Johnny halted his movements and cupped his cheeks, drawing their lips together in a soft kiss. As he gently captured Simon's lower lip, he felt his lover completely relax under him, releasing a surprised sound.
Just a few more minutes, and he could win this bet.
The delicate touch of their kiss left Johnny sighing with satisfaction, flavor of black tea a delightful contrast to his sweetness. It made him want more and more. There was no such thing as having enough of him. Easily falling into rhythm, Simon's hand found its place on the small of his back.
Johnny couldn't help but surrender to the kiss, his body melting on him as he supported himself with his forearm on the floor. Adrenaline slowly turned into drowsiness, longing to be in the embrace of his lover.
When he felt the gentle tug on his waist, he yielded to Simon's touch, allowing him to handle his body. He threw his arms around his shoulders and pulled him down as much as he could. Every part of their bodies fit perfectly; if there was a chance to just stay like this, Johnny wouldn’t even hesitate.
He refused to let go until they were out of breath. A tiny gasp for air escaped when Simon pulled back, eyes half-opening, and he almost whined with need. He needed him more and everywhere, every second and every day.
Simon's gaze was loving as he traced his fingers from his forehead into his hair, giving him another small peck. ‘’This is what we call a dick move, Johnny.’’
Johnny shrugged. ‘’You liked it.’’
‘’I did,’’ He mumbled, kissing the tip of his nose and putting his hand beside his own. ‘’Loved it.’’
Just as Johnny was about to draw him close again, he noticed the position of their hands. A blazing red alarm of urgency sounded in his brain, putting every nerve in his body on edge with the opportunity to simply hold his damn hand.
They were so close that even if he moved an itch, he could feel his cold skin.
Oh, shit.
Then he could trace the back of his hand with a feather-like touch, slide his own under it, and at last feel how they match together. He would take a moment to enjoy the differences of them, accept the swarm of butterflies in his gut, and then lock his fingers.
It would be dead slow; making sure to savor every second of it.
Maybe he would faint from the long-awaited bliss, or he would just trap Simon in a bear hug and never let go. It had to be possible after enduring such an uphill battle. Maybe Simon would accept it and like it more than he could have imagined.
Or he would push me away.
Johnny wasn't certain if he was ready for that heartbreak, or if his boyfriend would actually do it. It wasn't reasonable either, because he was the only person Simon let this close and loved.
Simon loved him.
Why would he push you away?! Just try it, Johnny!
As he was frowning with the hurricane inside, trying to encourage himself that it was not the end of the world, the sudden ring of alarm startled him. Uttering a curse, he regained his focus and saw Simon grinning with pride.
Twenty-five minutes and he was the one laying down on his back.
When Simon began to stand up straight, Johnny wanted to beg him not to move for once. He only needed a few more seconds to think it through and know it would be a success.
‘’Better luck next time, Johnny.’’
Twenty-sixth time and he was a sore loser.
-
"You just need to stop thinking," Johnny said aggressively, emphasizing every word. ‘’You won’t think of a single thing, like you never do, and just do it!’’
His bright blues were burning with determination as he talked to the mirror, pointing a finger at himself. The speech was intense, filled with lots of grumbling and frowning, and it was definitely overdue. The defeat from three days prior still hurt.
It had to be now or never.
They decided to leave for the weekend to their own house, which had been abandoned for quite some time. He had already planned everything for these two days, and each of them appeared to be better than the others. There was no way this could end in a loss.
The door of his shared room opened calmly, but he didn’t have time to greet his friend. ‘’You know you can do it, Johnny.’’
‘’What are you doing?’’
‘’Be quiet, Kyle,’’ Johnny shushed him without turning around. He also didn’t have time to explain anything. ‘’It’s just holding hands and nothing else.’’
‘’Whose hand?’’
‘’Simon’s! Hush!’’
‘’You need pep talk to hold your boyfriend’s hand?’’ Kyle’s confused voice was enough to make him close his eyes with embarrassment. He did not need pep talk; it was just a talk. A little push for extra courage before going out.
‘’No.’’ He answered, sounding unsure.
‘’Then why are you giving yourself one?’’
He didn’t even know. ‘’Why not?’’
When their eyes locked in the mirror, suspicion began to appear on Kyle's face, but it was soon erased by a loud laugh. Now, what part of this was humorous? Johnny turned and gave his wheezing friend a glare. He was well aware that it didn't make sense, therefore there was no need for anyone to highlight it. Especially with laughter.
"And what the fuck are you laughing at?!" Groaning, his accent grew thicker with frustration. Other than making him laugh harder, it did nothing. ‘’Shut up! It is not funny!’’
Kyle's attempts to press a hand against his mouth or purse his lips were useless. He was still chuckling, and his face was clearly flushed. ‘’I’m… I will–‘’
Johnny grabbed the nearest pillow and threw it to him. ‘’You have one second to shut the fuck up!’’
‘’Alright!’’ He yelled, hugging the pillow he caught and hiding half of his face. ‘’Sorry! I will stop! I will… Tell me.’’
Once the laughing fit subsided, Johnny crossed his arms and lowered his gaze to the ground. ‘’Nothing to tell.’’
‘’Come on!’’
‘’It’s nothing! Just– I want to hold his hand.’’ He sounded so tiny, like a kid left behind on the playground, that it was embarrassing.
Kyle seemed like he was making every effort to understand the problem, but he failed. ‘’Then do it?’’
‘’I’ve been trying to! Do you know how many times I tried?!’’
He took a moment to think about it, looking even more confused. ‘’Five?’’
‘’Twenty six!’’
‘’Oh.’’
Johnny swiped his hands across his face. He was exhausted; such a basic task should not have taken him a month. It was literally the first step for new couples, but it appeared that they got the orders mixed up a little.
Approaching him to poke his arm, Kyle flashed a sweet smile. ‘’Okay, don’t be sad! Not like it’s something impossible.’’
Johnny threw his hands in the air, his voice full of desperation. ‘’I am sad and it feels impossible.’’
‘’No, it’s not. Don’t be silly,’’ He rolled his eyes at him. ‘’Why don’t you just ask?’’
How could he even ask for it? Was there any reason to ask? They were comfortable with each other enough. ‘’But he’s my boyfriend.’’
‘’Well, exactly,’’ Kyle responded, giving him a look as though he had just answered his own questions. ‘’You should just do it, but if you can’t, then ask.’’
‘’Ask what exactly?’’
‘’For permission to hold his hand?’’ With a shrug, he headed to the closet to take out his clothes. ‘’You know, like elemantry schoolers.’’
Johnny grimaced at his not-so-silent chuckle. He was already bitter over everything. Imitating a laugh, he fired back. ‘’At least I’ve passed the pining stage.’’
Kyle's abrupt head turn showed that he had pressed on that wound again. ‘’That was not necessary.’’
Johnny stuck his tongue out instead, then put on his jacket and tossed his bag over his shoulder. He double-checked that everything was okay before approaching his friend, whom he had offended. ‘’Sorry babes and thank you babes, though you were no help.’’
Before Kyle could answer, he placed a wet kiss on his nape and laughed at his disgusted scream. ‘’Ugh! Don’t do that! Disgusting!’’
‘’See you around!’’
‘’Fuck off!’’
When Johnny shut the door and spun around, he didn't expect to see Simon at the end of the hallway. He nearly sprinted toward him, beaming with joy. Since there was no one else, he didn't mind stealing a chaste kiss through the mask. ‘’Hi.’’
‘’Hey,’’ Simon said, straightening up. ‘’Ready to go?’’
‘’Since yesterday. I missed home so fucking bad.’’
Simon merely hummed, his eyes lingering on his blues a bit longer than was necessary, making him wonder whether there was something on his face or if an obstacle came up. Perhaps it was a last-minute call or a meeting.
Simon lightly touched his arm. ‘’Let’s not waste any more time then.’’
He nodded, not sure if he should just let go. ‘’Okay…’’
Walking down the corridors, Johnny greeted a few friends on the way. The walk to the jeep was calm, but he nearly hopped his way out. They hadn't been able to take a break together for months. He was so ready to cuddle all day, watch cheap movies for laughs, and love him as much as he wanted.
Simon started the car after they were seated. Though he looked as usual, Johnny still could see that faint frown. ‘’You okay?’’
‘’I am,’’ It felt like there was an incoming but, however, Simon took his time. As the gate arm slowly lifted, he turned to Johnny, his gaze flitting over his features. ‘’Are you?’’
Aside from his tinge of gloom about his losses, Johnny was beyond happy. ‘’Yes?’’
‘’Good.’’
He was certainly acting weird, but Johnny chose to trust him. If it was something serious, Simon wouldn’t keep it from him after all. ‘’Good.’’
The car moved, leaving the base behind; Simon removed his mask when they were out of sight, and his hand was grabbed thirty seconds later.
He tensed up entirely, as if a violent bolt had shot through his entire body. His eyes widened as he kept his stare fixed on the road, not daring to make a move. Simon's icy touch traveled from his wrist to his palm, numbing each spot, until their palms were flat against each other.
Johnny hardly shifted his attention when he felt his fingers close around his own in a firm grip. Even though he wanted to hold on to it even more tightly, he was immobile. Then their hands moved out of his view. He expected many things, but not a gentle kiss on the top of his hand that lasted for seconds.
Simon rested both of their hands on his knee, his thumb softly caressing his skin. ‘’Thought we talked about overthinking, Johnny.’’
Overthinking? He was not doing such a thing, he had been just thinking.
Perhaps it had been a little too cautious, to the point of getting himself into a vicious circle, but it couldn't be considered overthinking. He was simply unlucky. Words refused to leave as he bowed his head, fiddling with the side of his blue pants.
Simon’s hold was strong, safe— far better than he had imagined. It felt nice, in a I think I am about cry kind of way nice. The skip in his heartbeat was a delightful ache, feeling like an elephant had just fallen on his chest. It had to be the closed windows that were giving him an uncomfortable burn on his face.
‘’I’m sorry I didn’t realize it, love,’’ Although Simon's tone was soothing, he bit his inner cheek. ‘’I wasn’t even aware we hadn’t held hands, actually.’’
‘’Hm.’’ It was the only thing he managed to mumble, searching for a way to find his voice.
‘’You don’t have to hesitate for anything, Johnny,’’ As the car stopped at the red light, he noticed Simon turning toward him from the corner of his eye. ‘’You know I will do anything for you.’’
Johnny took a deep breath and let go of his lower lip, finally whispering. ‘’Sorry.’’
Simon’s chuckle was heartfelt. ‘’Why would you be?’’
‘’’Cuz I… thought too much.’’ Not that much, but surely a little too much. He just wanted be sure that things would be perfect.
‘’Not like you at all, is it?’’
‘’Your fault.’’
Everything was on Simon; making him ponder a hundred times before acting or speaking when it was not even in his nature, turning him into a fool with his gentle loving. Johnny was unable to function properly because of his kisses that felt like the end of time, and those mind-numbing touches. His rational side bid farewell too soon, but that side already wasn't really active.
Simon laughed, a sound like an arrow straight through his poor heart. ‘’How is it my fault?’’
‘’Because it is...’’
‘’Alright, it is.’’
Johnny glanced at him, mesmerized by the way the afternoon sun bathed his face in a radiant glow. His thin lashes cast shadows on his cheekbones, while the brightest shade of brown danced with the flaming yellow. The scars on his face were prettier than a starry sky, that smile on his lips a sweet poison.
Johnny looked down, marveling at the sight. His own hand was nearly invisible beneath Simon's larger one, knuckles white with an effort to show him what he meant. He slowly closed his fingers, earning a squeeze back.
‘’Will you,’’ He started, looking at him with big eyes. ‘’Will you not… let go?’’
‘’Do you want me to?’’ It seemed like Simon knew the answer already, as if he could just see through him.
‘’No,’’ He rejected right away with a weak head shake. ‘’Just– you’re driving?’’
Simon paused to consider, then released his hand. The disappointment that had sunk into his heart disappeared as quickly as it came when his his lover placed his hand on the gearshift. Simon then placed his own on top of it, intertwining their fingers as much as possible.
‘’That’ll do.’’
While Johnny tried not to actually faint, Simon moved their hands together, shifting it into first gear to get going. It was smooth, with a soft press, never letting go for even a moment. Johnny wondered if they could stay like this for the entire hour-long drive.
‘’Can we hold hands later too?’’
‘’As long as you want.’’
All the way back home, Simon didn’t let go, caressing Johnny's skin from time to time. He didn't have time to be upset after they got out of the car because his lover was a man of his word.
Simon took his hand during the short walk to their home, and he held it once more after they settled on the couch. Johnny spent the night playing with his fingers, more focused on them than the movie they had turned on. Even as he started to drift off on his chest, he could feel Simon's grip getting tighter with each passing second.
Twenty-seventh time was the charm.