Chapter Text
The sound of the captain’s hand slamming on the bench, right beside Hinata, echoed through the room. Ricocheted and punched him in the gut. In Meian’s other hand, hung loosely his phone, displaying a photo of Hinata kissing another man.
“You have every right to be mad- “Hinata started but Meian pinned him down with his glare.
“Damn sure I do.” He was towering over Hinata, making him feel as small and weak as a little boy being punished by his dad.
Righteously, but that was irrelevant for now.
Hinata looked at Meian for a few moments, biting on his bottom lip. “I screwed up, I know and I’m sorry, but it looks worse than what it is,” he gave Meian the best pleading look he could muster up, although it seemed useless. After all, the buzzing rumors about Hinata’s love life did not work in favor of their team.
“I don’t care what it actually was. I care about the press and the pictures floating around on the internet. What do you want me to do, Hinata, tell everyone it was a friendly encounter? That it looks worse than what it is?” Mocking Hinata’s tone, he turned his back to him and ran his fingers through his black hair, his shoulders visibly loosening after a deep breath, how he always kept his calm when he got mad. By the same people, most of the time. This time, though, Hinata could not just laugh and apologize his ass back to the captain’s good side.
“Look,” the captain turned around, the tension in his face was gone. “This season is important to us, to our team. We can’t be dealing with negative press right now. The manager said they can send some explanation and hopefully, people forget it.”
Hinata only nodded and looked down.
“Don’t fool around in public. That’s all.” It was the calmness in Meian’s voice that crept under Hinata’s skin like an unnerving feeling but he kept his eyes glued to the ground until Meian left the locker room.
It was only when he closed the door behind him that Hinata breathed out all the air in his lungs with a heavy puff. Limbs hanging loosely as if he was melting away. That would be great, he thought, he would melt and disappear and everyone would forget him. Especially the paparazzi who took that picture.
Hinata could remember when that picture was taken: he was too drunk, stumbling on the sidewalk surrounded by people and neon lights and loud noises and … Kageyama.
On a freezing weekend night outside a bar when the tip of his nose was red and his fingers were buried in Kageyama’s palm searching for warmth. While he was laughing lightheartedly at Kageyama's failed attempts to unlock his phone with his cold fingers. The irritation on his face was priceless.
While Hinata’s face was too close to Kageyama’s. When their cheeks brushed against each other, Kageyama turned his face to lock their eyes, Hinata looked up at him and his smile faded.
Hinata shook his head. In his mind, he kicked Kageyama’s ass out of his head.
He didn’t think of it as a scandal although that was for people to decide and frankly, they weren’t so nice about it in their articles and assumptions.
When he stepped into the gym, his other teammates were warming up as usual, like nothing had happened. It gave him a little bit more courage to join them. He found his usual spot next to Bokuto and started warming up. Stretching his hands and legs in a hopeless attempt to forget everything.
“Hey, are you okay?” Bokuto asked while he was bent down with his head between his knees.
“Yeah.” Hinata avoided eye contact.
“You’re quiet.” Bokuto’s arms were above his head now, eyes scanning Hinata’s face in worry.
“Huh? No I’m not.” That absentminded answer did not convince Bokuto but he dropped the conversation when Atsumu’s blonde hair came to vision.
“Shoyo!” Big brown eyes appeared in front of Hinata. “I saw the news,” a lazy grin formed on his lips.
Why are you smiling then?
“Ah,” a nervous laughter escaped Hinata’s mouth. He was hoping not to have this conversation, not so soon, but that was wishful thinking with his friends.
“They didn’t seem so happy about it on the internet though,” Atsumu said looking up as if he could find the reason for anger toward Hinata.
He would love a reason to. All he did was kiss a boy and now he was too gay to play volleyball. He read that last night.
“Who?” Bokuto cocked his head to the side.
“Everyone. The articles. They’re saying some nasty shit but hey,” his elbow dug right into Hinata’s ribs. “Don’t mind them, they’ll fade away eventually. What matters is that you two looked hot together.” Atsumu smirked stupidly. Hinata wished it was that easy.
Before Hinata had the chance to reply, Meian was walking toward them. “Go back to practice, Miya.”
“Hey cap what ya think about Shoyo’s new boyfriend?” He asked, Ignoring Meian’s order.
“He’s not my boyfriend,” Hinata snapped.
“Good then, we won’t be seeing much of you,” Meian said, pushing Bokuto back to where he was supposed to practice.
“Why are you mad about it?” Atsumu asked Meian. Hinata envied his lack of concern… for everything.
“We don’t need negative press this season, we have plenty of problems.”
“But any press is good press, don’t you think cap?” Atsumu was force-handed a ball by Meian, walking to the other side of the court to practice some serves.
Hinata stood in the middle of the gym awkwardly.
Kageyama wasn’t his boyfriend even if they had kissed and the picture of them kissing was on the internet. But Kageyama was not his boyfriend. Although he had much bigger concerns to attend to and panic about, the state of his relationship with Kageyama bothered him the most.
He could grab his head and scream from the top of his lungs right there in the middle of a volleyball court but he grabbed a ball and walked behind the white line.
He threw the ball up and watched it go high. One, two, three steps, and jumped, slammed the ball hard enough to transfer all his frustration to it, and watched it dash to the other side, hit the ground, bounce up and down until it was picked up by someone else.
The stinging pain left in his palm was distraction enough if he felt it one hundred times stronger. So he kept going.
An hour had passed when Hinata decided it was time to stop serving just to get rid of his anger. To some degree, it had worked. At least he didn’t want to scream.
He avoided Bokuto and Atsumu for a good portion of the day, sticking to Kiyoomi was the safest option and when the day was finally over, he was the first to leave.
He was almost at his doorstep, hands deep in his pocket searching for keys when he noticed a tall man dressed in black in front of his house. He turned and his face was almost covered by his cap and large sunglasses.
“Kageyama?” Hinata frowned.
“Can we go inside?” Kageyama said while suspiciously looking around. “Your street is so crowded.” Hinata didn’t know why it felt like an insult.
Hinata opened the door and waited for him to step in. “No one’s gonna see us here,” he rolled his eyes but also checked the street before shutting the door.
Better safe than sorry.
Kageyama got rid of his disguise as soon as they were inside, ruffling his hair as he sat on the couch and stared at Hinata.
“What?” Hinata asked, standing beside the couch awkwardly.
“I’m here because we kissed.”
Hinata cringed and sat across from him. “Why do you have to say it like that?”
“What are we gonna do about it?” Kageyama asked, not paying mind to how uncomfortable Hinata looked.
“Nothing.”
Kageyama’s stare was blank as if he had not heard Hinata, then he blinked. “But we kissed.”
Hinata sighed and ran a hand across his face. “I know. You don’t have to announce it every minute. But we shouldn’t have.”
Kageyama shuffled in his spot. “Why?”
“Look at the mess we’re in. Every time I look at my phone someone has found a new way to undermine my career or insult me because I kissed a man. I’m not sure how my team is gonna respond to all of this, I’m not sure if I’m going to be in the next game or not. It’s all so fucked up.” Hinata looked up at him but Kageyama’s eyes were piercing holes in the floor.
“We can’t be seen together for a long time.” To that, Kageyama looked up.
His brows narrowed but he kept his silence for a long, stretching minute before he said “Yeah, right,” and stood up. “We shouldn’t be seen together.”
Hinata nodded at him and followed the movement.
As Kageyama slowly stepped toward the door, he put on his glasses, covering half of his face, and then instead of his hat, he used his hoodie. The sun had set and it was unlikely for him to be spotted.
He stopped in the door frame and turned to Hinata. “It didn’t ruin our friendship, did it?”
He struggled to find an answer, although he knew when it came to them, through all the years, since high school, nothing had separated them, not the bickering and bitterness and not the distance. A kiss wasn’t much different.
After all, it was just a drunk kiss.
“Of course not,” Hinata smiled.
Kageyama nodded, grabbed the doorknob, and closed it before himself. Leaving Hinata with an uneasy feeling that wouldn’t ebb no matter what.
Maybe a shower could help to hopefully wash away everything from that day, that whole week.
As warm water slipped down his body Hinata closed his eyes. He couldn’t get rid of Kageyama’s gaze from that night in his mind, those eyes were so familiar yet so strange, nothing Hinata hadn’t seen before, but somehow Hinata felt the shift in his eyes, right before they kissed.
Hinata opened his eyes in an attempt for the image to fade but it was imprinted in his mind, vividly displaying anytime he closed them again.
“Just a drunk kiss,” he reminded himself as he grabbed a handful of his hair to wash it, working the shampoo in the hair as if it could distract him from the burning memory.
He kept his eyes wide open, piercing holes through the wall with his gaze until foam found its way to his eyes. He shut his eyes while cursing and washing the shampoo in a panic and when he got out of the shower, they were burning red.
***
The press was not as forgetful as Hinata hoped it would be. He thought after a week something new would replace his scandalous night out, but their picture was still roaming around the internet.
“Look at the bright side,” Atsumu started. “Now your fan girls are divided between the rest of us.”
“How fortunate for you,” Kiyoomi said sarcastically.
“Yeah, that’s more of a bright side for you and still a dark side for me.” Hinata groaned.
“Do you like your fan girls?” Atsumu cocked his head to the side. Hinata caught the main question but brushed it off.
“I mean I didn’t mind the attention,” Hinata shrugged.
“They’ll come back around.” Bokuto comforted him. “And I know this makes me a jackass but I’m glad you’re paving the way for me.”
Hinata gave him a confused look.
“Keiji….and me? I feel like our coming out would be easier.”
“Oh yeah, right, right.” Hinata chuckled. “I wasn’t planning on coming out like this at all, but I do feel relieved that it’s out there.”
Someday when the articles and comments about his personal life had ended, he’d still be on his team and he got to be who he was, he just had to get through this. It wasn’t easy, though.
And nothing could have prepared Hinata for what had been waiting for him at a bar entrance.
All he wanted was a simple night out on a weekend with his teammates, grabbing dinner and a couple of hours to relax. Still, they had to squeeze their way through a group of inquisitive people about his love life and the state of his contract with his team, shouting questions at him all at once. Flashing lights went off inches away from his face. Reports circled Hinata with cameras and microphones shoved in his face, startling him and making him stumble on the sidewalk.
It was suffocating. Hinata felt like he was drowning and he didn’t know which direction to go, his friends were out of sight and there was a huge chance of him vomiting everything he had eaten that day on the ground.
“Do you think Kageyama Tobio would leave his team due to the pressure on him?” some stranger almost screamed at him.
Hinata whipped his head toward the voice. “What? No- “another question was thrown at his face, loud and obnoxious.
Before he could answer, someone grabbed onto his wrist and pulled him through the shrinking passway. Air came rushing to his lungs as soon as he stepped out of that hell. It was Atsumu dragging him away.
When they entered the bar, Hinata was grateful that it wasn’t also packed with reporters. They sat around a table. No one dared to speak a word.
Hinata stared at the table, not bothering to pick up the menu and pretend to read like everyone else. He could still feel those people’s touch on his skin. The tension lingered on his body as well as their questions on his mind.
“Thank you, Atsumu-san.” It was minutes later when Hinata finally spoke.
“You have to ignore them, no matter what they ask. They just wanna get on your nerves and get you to react so they could write their pathetic little articles.” Atsumu said while going over the menu. His words shot angrily but his face stayed even.
Bokuto and Sakusa nodded in agreement, complaining about how miserable those reporters made them, but the voices faded as something nauseating took over in his head.
Kageyama has to leave his team…
He feels pressure on him…
Right.
Hinata was so wrapped up in his own issue that he didn’t even think about what Kageyama was going through. He was also in trouble with his team, he was also going through it all, and Hinata had just dismissed him.
He slammed his head on the table loud enough for others to stop talking and look at him. “I’m an idiot,” he cried.
“Well,” Atsumu started but Kiyoomi interrupted.
“What just happened?”
“I’m not the only one going through this shit,” his voice came out muffled and cranky. “I should have talked to him…asked him about it.”
There was silence until Hinata sat back in his seat still looking at the smooth brushes of wood pattern on the table.
“Are we talking about Kageyama?” Bokuto asked thoughtfully.
Kiyoomi nodded to him and faced Hinata. “It’s not late, why don’t you- “
Hinata grabbed his head between his hands, both elbows on the table, and started groaning. Unrecognizable voices escaped his mouth, he was somehow unable to put his emotions and thoughts into words, it was easier to just sound like how he felt. Dreadful and unfortunate, like how a shoe covered in mud would express its emotions if it could.
Atsumu ordered alcohol for all of them. Hinata was grateful, maybe getting drunk would put him out of misery.
After an ungodly amount of alcohol, Hinata was still miserable and his teammates were still looking at him with the same level of sympathy for a lost puppy.
“I have to talk to him,” Hinata announced, voice dragging lazily.
“Yes. Later though. Now let’s get you home.” Bokuto grabbed his arm and helped him up.
Atsumu had checked outside of the bar and reports were still there. The best plan was to escape through the back door and into a cab.
When Hinata crawled into the back seat, Bokuto gave the address to the driver. He saw his teammates in his peripheral vision as the cab drifted away.
Somewhere along the way, Hinata gave another address to the driver, and when he stood in the chill air on a not-so-familiar street, the intoxication had worn out a bit, and with clearer thinking, this was a mistake. He chimed the bell anyway.
Kageyama let him in with a frown and duck-like movements. Hinata was glad he even answered the door at such a late hour so the unwelcoming glare was easy to ignore.
As much as he had sobered up, standing up was bound to make his head spin, so he stumbled into the living room and plopped down on the couch, head dropping to one side, he slowly glanced up at Kageyama. “I thought I pay back the visit,” he grinned lazily.
“Why?” Kageyama studied him head to toe. While Hinata was struggling to make a decent sentence, he went on. “So that you can really make sure that there is nothing between us? I know that. You can go now.” He was slightly pouting with his arms crossed in front of him, or it could be Hinata’s drunk-ass illusions. Kageyama wouldn’t pout like he used to when they were kids.
Hinata’s lips parted but none of his limbs moved. He blinked and shook his head. “No. I just- “ he pushed his palm on the couch to sit more straight, “I came because I wanted to make sure you’re okay. I realized I was so caught up with my stuff and…you see…we’re both in this mess.” Alcohol boldness and lack of ability to speak did not make a good combo for him. He was babbling and from the growing confusion on Kageyama’s face, he wasn’t making sense either.
Kageyama’s eyes traveled around the room, processing what Hinata was saying - trying to say -, and when he came to a little-to-nothing conclusion, he stared back at the drunk mess on his couch.
“What I’m saying is,” Hinata leaned in with his elbows on his knees but one of them slipped, causing him to almost slam into the low-lying table in front of him. His eyes widened open in a panic to find balance. He let out a laugh and grabbed onto the arm of the couch. He breathed out in relief.
Kageyama had leaned on to prevent his downfall, arms stretched out and eyes as open as Hinata’s. “How drunk are you?”
“I had a few drinks.”
“few, right. Wait I’ll get you coffee.” Kageyama was headed to the kitchen when saying that, and Hinata laid on his back, sprawling on the couch.
He closed his eyes while waiting for Kageyama to return. Went over what he wanted to say to him. An apology, a specific question about how he was, maybe comforting him. After all, they had been friends forever, seeing him go through the same thing he was experiencing made him sad. However, the idea of starting with an apology for his shitty behavior felt like a decent start.
But he drifted away mid-thought. When he opened his eyes, the room was a bit darker, indicating that it was still night and that he hadn’t slept for long. He turned his head toward the kitchen but the lights were off and Kageyama’s head wasn’t popping up from behind the counter.
He sat up, body sore from being in the same position for a while. He winced and looked at his phone, blinking at the bright light which was displaying 3 am. He overslept and Kageyama didn’t even wake him up.
Turning his head, he noticed the door to Kageyama’s room was open so he walked to the door. In the dark, he could only see a figure of Kageyama’s body in the bed.
He prowled the house like a ghost. While deciding between leaving or just sleeping until morning, poured himself a glass of water. Even after gulping down the glass to the last drop, his mouth was still dry. It was only three glasses later that his thirst faded and he put down the empty bottle.
Wiping his mouth with his sleeve, he gathered all his stuff from around the couch and headed to the front door. His head was still heavy but he was sober enough to function.
“Are you leaving?”
Hinata’s blood froze in his veins before comprehending Kageyama’s voice.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” His voice came out hoarse and ragged. He cleared his throat.
With Kageyama beside him, the memories of last night came flooding to him, he could feel his cheeks hit up.
“I don’t mind you sleeping here,” Kageyama yawned and scratched his arm.
Hinata contemplated telling Kageyama why he came to visit, wondering why Kageyama didn’t push for answers after that nonsense he had given him hours ago.
He knew if he didn’t start now, he might never get the chance. The courage to show up at his door all of a sudden would only consume him when alcohol was in his system. It was now or probably never.
“Look, I have to tell you something,” he cleared his throat.
Kageyama’s sleepy eyes fixated on him, waiting.
“I feel bad about how things were left between us.” The urge to run away was growing inside Hinata the more Kageyama chose to keep the silence between them. The more his indigo eyes traveled leisurely between his lips and eyes.
Unwelcomed, unwanted feelings formed in Hinata’s heart, making it impossible to look away from Kageyama.
Block them. Lock them far, far away so they never creep into your heart again.
The city was buried into death-like silence and the only light in the room was reflecting from Kageyama’s face, illustrating his features like a painting.
“How so?” Kageyama asked so mindlessly that Hinata doubted the words.
“I should have taken your feelings into account.” Hinata swallowed.
“You did, and then you dismissed them.”
Hinata did everything in his power to keep his mind from translating his word into an indirect confession.
“I should have known you were going through the same thing as me. The media and your team.”
Something shifted in Kageyama’s face, somehow acceptance danced in his eyes along with something Hinata couldn’t quite figure out.
“There’s nothing you can do about that,” Kageyama shoved his hands into his sweatpants pockets. Not moving but managing to put distance between them.
“You can count on me, though.”
“Thank you.”
The sound of a passing car filled the silence, the headlights illuminating Kageyama’s face, making a colossal shadow on the wall behind him, towering over Hinata when it reached the ceiling.
And it was gone as swiftly as it appeared.
“I should go.” The announcement lingered in the room, Kageyama waited for him to leave, held the door, and said farewell, but looked him in the eye only once and briefly.
It was almost 5 am when Hinata crawled into his bed and fell into a dreamless sleep.