Chapter Text
Chapter 1: Overture
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love
and not feel your rain
[Words from Gravity by Sara Bareilles]
Motes of dust floated lazily through the air as the autumn sunlight streamed through the stained glass windows - blanketing the battered wooden floor with a patchwork of vivid, vibrant light. The only sound in the room was the a scritch scratch of ebony pencil on thick, creamy drawing paper. His sketchbook balanced on one knee, Jongin leaned back against the wall, one leg stretched out before him. His right hand moved smoothly across the paper, creating an intricate lattice of lines. It wasn't long before the meticulously crafted pencil strokes began to resemble the outline of the window before him.
Jongin wasn't patient with most things in life but when it came to drawing, he made himself slow down, focus and try to connect with whatever he was drawing. He rarely drew people though because they were too troublesome. They asked for food, drink, and sometimes even money. But the worst thing was when they wanted to talk. Jongin just wanted to draw - he didn't need all that other shit. It had just been easier to stop drawing people after a while. He preferred capturing beautiful things on paper and he had a particular fascination for windows and light. So when he'd discovered this abandoned practice room several days ago and seen the stained glass windows, he'd known he would return here. No matter what, he would try to recreate those blocks of red, blue, green and champagne tinted glass; he would try to recreate the stylized angels they depicted. No matter what.
Jongin never rushed when he was drawing because he knew rushing meant mistakes and time wasted on fixing messed up lines. So his body instinctively slowed down whenever he picked up a drawing pencil. He was nursing a mild hangover from some drunken party he'd gone to the night before, but he never let physical discomfort get in the way of his drawing technique. He was carefully sketching in an area of window frame when his pencil suddenly ceased moving, hovering above the paper.
It was the most haunting and melodious voice he'd ever heard. Letting his hand drop soundlessly to the floor beside him, Jongin closed his eyes and just let the unfamiliar lyrics and musical notes wash over him. The unseen singer's voice was clear and pure and rich and seemed somehow to creep into, and fill every unseen fissure and crevice of his long hardened heart ...
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain
Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me
He didn't know the words or the music but something about the singer's voice and the words of the song called to some part of him which he thought had been long buried. He wasn't sure he wanted it coming back to life again but he could no more stop himself from listening to that voice than he could stop his body from taking oxygen into its lungs. So he ignored his head, which was telling him to put on his headphones and block out that velvety, angelic voice with the loud, jarring vocals of Korn's 'Let's Get This Party Started' or maybe Rage Against the Machine's 'Killing In the Name Of'. Anything but this. But Jongin's heart could be a stubborn thing and both iPod and headphones remained in his pocket as he allowed the words to soak into his consciousness:
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain
Jongin almost never took any interest in other people and their lives, so he couldn't explain why he needed to know what the singer looked like. It was not his way at all - what was he even doing? Careful not to make any noise, Jongin craned his neck to the side so he could glimpse the owner of that unearthly voice. The singer obviously hadn't noticed Jongin sitting in the back, obscured behind tidy stacks of seminar chairs, and Jongin wanted to keep it that way.
He wasn't very tall. Small shoulders, narrow hips. But the husky, melodiously powerful voice that projected from that slight figure was anything but small. Dark, straight hair fell across his pale forehead, just skimming a pair of strong eyebrows. His nose was well-defined and proportionate and his lips were thick in an almost sensual way. Finally, Jongin studied his eyes - he always left a person's eyes to the last because they told you the most about a person and most times, Jongin really preferred not to know anything about a person. The boy's doe eyes were the kind that could look right into your soul if you let them, and Jongin knew he could never meet this guy face-to-face because he wouldn't be able to withstand that gaze. His eyes shone with earnestness and kindness and someone as jaded as Jongin had no business going near someone like that.
Completely unaware he was being watched, the singer looked down at some sheets of paper as he sang the exquisite melody, his eyes closing from time to time. Standing about twenty feet from the window, the boy continued to sing the song again and again, memorizing the lyrics and the notes - faltering every now and then when he forgot the words or went slightly off pitch. As he stood there, bathed in the light of stained glass angels, Jongin studied him. He watched, mesmerized, as the boy closed his eyes and emotion suffused his features:
Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Feeling a little like he was falling himself, Jongin picked up his pencil and began to draw ...
-----
Kyungsoo had come up with at least sixty different ways he was going to kill Kim Minseok, because it was his fault Kyungsoo now had to set aside at least two to three hours a week to rehearse a song he'd have to perform solo in front of an audience. Solo! And he had serious issues with stage fright. It was fine when he was singing in a group, like with the church or school choir; but when Kyungsoo had to stand alone on a stage with the spotlight on him, he was always gripped with panic and it took everything he had to just stay there and try to get the words out. So this was why he currently wanted to end Minseok's life.
His best friend of six years, Minseok always managed to talk him into doing things he didn't really want to do and didn't have the time for - this time it just happened to be performing for the Drama Club's Musical Evening. The next time Minseok tried to rope him into another time guzzling project, Kyungsoo would be firm and tell him to piss off. He just ... had to figure out how do it. But he would. Somehow. Maybe. Who was he trying to kid?! He'd never be able to say no to Minseok. Making a disgusted noise in his head, Kyungsoo brought his attention back to Sara Bareilles' 'Gravity' and tried not to think about how he'd have to sing it in front of 200 people in six weeks' time. Solo. God help him.
The stained glass window cast pretty watery technicolor shadows on the floor and practically spellbound by their beauty, Kyungsoo had to force himself to turn back to the sheaf of papers before him. He'd been so lucky to find this practice room on campus and to find it empty - just when he needed it. But he couldn't understand why he was making so many mistakes today. He knew the song well, he loved it in fact, so why was he making so many mistakes? There was no one here but him so why couldn't he concentrate? Shaking his head frustratedly, Kyungsoo immersed himself in the music sheets, trying not to get distracted by the way the floor looked like it had been splashed entirely with bright water colors.
Meanwhile, in another part of the room, a pencil moved confidently over paper ...
-----
It was Thursday night, and Jongin always played pool with Sehun and Tao on Thursday nights. Linkin Park's 'Crawling' was blasting in the background and while Jongin normally enjoyed the song, Chester Bennington's voice just grated on his nerves tonight. Images of a boy singing in stained glass shadows began to infiltrate his mind and Jongin quickly shut them down. The air was white with cigarette smoke and rank with the sour-sweet odor of spilt beer. They'd only been here for half an hour and Jongin already wanted to leave. Everything was always the same.
It was always the same bar - one that Sehun's thirty something cousin Ace owned. It was called, surprise surprise, Ace's Place. The man might be generous with his alcohol but he wasn't real big on imagination. It was always the same waitress. Lauren, the heavily made-up, voluptuous 27 year-old shift waitress, had already hit on Jongin once tonight, caressing his neck and offering to take him out for dinner when she wasn't working. He had flinched as soon as her red-taloned fingers came into contact with his inked skin. It was bad enough when people touched him but he especially hated it when people touched him without warning. She had a thing for his tattoos and she told him every time she saw him. She tried to pick him up every time they came here - never mind that employees weren't allowed to pick up customers and never mind that Jongin made it abundantly clear that he wasn't interested. He really had to stop coming here.
Sehun and Tao were skirting the pool table slowly, measuring angles and bumping hips indiscreetly as they navigated around each other. Jongin had been watching the two of them throw sparks off each other for months - he wished they'd just fuck already so they could all get on with their lives. He watched listlessly as the dark orange ember flared at the end of his Marlboro Light, watched as white curls of nicotine-scented smoke unfurled before him. Even the nicotine flooding his lungs offered him little enjoyment tonight.
With a bored flick of his eyes, he turned to his Corona, which was sweating delicately on the badly scuffed round table. Shoving the wedge of lemon down the neck of the bottle, he took a desultory swig of the beer and turned to stare out the window as the bitterish, pale gold liquid hit the back of his throat. There was a bus stop right opposite the bar and people were boarding the vehicle. As the bus was moving off, Jongin noticed a figure bursting from the shadows. He was sprinting on not very long legs - backpack bouncing against his spine, and he only came to a stop when he realized the bus had merged with traffic and he had no hope of catching the driver's attention. Frustration was etched all over the boy's body as he raised his arms and yelled something that looked like ... an explosive 'Aish!'. Then he abruptly sat down on the bus stop bench and glanced at his watch.
Jongin couldn't see him all that clearly from across the road but he saw enough to convince him that it was the boy from the practice room. The one with the voice of an angel. Mr. Set-Me-Free. It had been two days since he'd first set eyes on him but he hadn't been able to expel his face and voice from his mind. He turned to look at Tao and Sehun flirting over their cue sticks; then he turned back to stare at the boy sitting alone at the bus stop. Coming to a decision, he took one last long drag of his cigarette and stubbed it in the overflowing ashtray.
-----
Kyungsoo sped around the corner just in time to see the blazing tail lights taunting him as the bus merged with traffic. "Aishhh!" Kyungsoo made a sound and gesture of frustration before he sat down on the bench, bristling with annoyance. There wouldn't be another bus for thirty more minutes! If he hadn't volunteered to help the Community Centre Director with additional clean up duties, he wouldn't have been stranded here in the dark. Alone. Damn it, he was all alone. In the dark. By himself. Alone.
Kyungsoo always got nervous when he had to be anywhere dark and deserted and he was drowning in an ocean of regret that he had taken choir in high school instead of karate. He was pretty damned sure he couldn't sing someone into submission if they tried to mug him. And just as he was kicking himself mentally, someone sat down next to him on the bench. How could he have been so distracted he hadn't even noticed someone approaching? He could have been murdered just like that while he was busy whining about his life choices.
He couldn't see the stranger's face but in his peripheral vision he could see that the guy's entire neck was mapped in elaborate tattoos. And he had blonde hair and a dark colored beanie. The odor of stale cigarette smoke clung to the guy's clothes, pricking unpleasantly at Kyungsoo's nostrils. The light was pretty bad so he couldn't be sure but he might have seen a piercing on the guy's lip. Either way, Kyungsoo had seen enough to set his pulse racing and stomach clenching with suppressed fear.
He told himself firmly, DO NOT PANIC. HE IS NOT A TATTOOED PSYCHO WHO'S GOING TO ROB YOU AND LEAVE YOU FOR DEAD. Who was he trying to kid? Tattooed guy was totally a psycho who was going to rob him and leave him for dead and he hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye to his parents. He was so screwed. Adrenalin coursed through the muscles in his compact body and they tensed, readying themselves for flight. His eyes took in the surroundings and caught sight of the blue and pink neon sign across the road: Ace's Place. There were people inside the bar. Refuge! He had to somehow get to that bar.
As Kyungsoo's heels lifted off the ground and the rest of him prepared to follow, the stranger said, "You go to Garnier, don't you?" Kyungsoo knew he should have run but something about that quiet, chocolatey voice made him stay. Common sense and his mom's nagging voice told him he shouldn't be having a conversation with a tattooed stranger, but for reasons unknown to Kyungsoo himself, he stayed anyway.
"Yeah, I go to Garnier. Do you go there too?" Kyungsoo figured he had to be attending the same Visual and Performing Arts college.
"Art major."
"Oh. I'm in the vocal program. We um ... haven't met, have we?" Kyungsoo asked nervously as he tried not to stare at the intricate tattoos that adorned the back of the boy's hand. He gave a low chuckle and turned to look at Kyungsoo. He had a masculine jaw, sleepy eyes, and chiseled cheekbones, and everything just added up to make a dangerously attractive face. Kyungsoo was far too intrigued with the stranger's face for his own comfort.
"Hell, no. No, we haven't met. But I've seen you around." He had a lazy kind of drawl which appealed to Kyungsoo in the oddest kind of way.
"I'm Kyungsoo." Kyungsoo's natural friendliness came to the fore as he smiled and introduced himself - albeit a little nervously.
"Jongin." The boy gave a sort of quasi smile. Kyungsoo reckoned people like Jongin didn't really do proper smiles anyway because it wasn't a cool or badass thing to do. And then they were both quiet because - what was there to say, really? But the silence wasn't exactly uncomfortable. It was just ... silence, Kyungsoo thought. Now if only he could stop himself from asking stupid questions that could get him beaten up, or worse, killed.
"So how'd you ...?" Kyungsoo pointed at his own neck awkwardly and groaned inwardly. WHY DID HE ALWAYS ASK DUMB QUESTIONS AT THE DUMBEST TIMES?
"You mean the tatts?" Jongin looked surprised and then he laughed, "I don't think anyone's ever asked me that."
"I didn't mean to ask! I was thinking aloud and ... can I un-ask the question because it was rude and invasive and can we just pretend I didn't ask that, please?" Kyungsoo felt himself withering with embarrassment as his words came out in a panicked rush.
"I'm not going to hurt you, so just relax, ok?"
"I didn't say you were going to hurt me." Kyungsoo said quickly.
"You didn't have to." Jongin chuckled again. He seemed to find Kyungsoo deeply amusing. "I was 18 and stupid. My friends were all getting one so I got one too."
"But there's so much of it, why would you get such a big one if you were just getting it because of your friends? Were you in a gang? I'm doing it again ... Please ignore that last question. Sorry."
"No, it's ok. I wasn't. Wasn't in a gang, I mean. But we did do really dumb shit in school. As for the tattoo, well, you don't think things through nearly enough when you're 18. I really regretted it while I was getting it inked because it hurt like a bitch. And I had to go back a few times because well, my entire neck and my left arm."
"But what about your chest and back and your other arm?" Kyungsoo looked curious rather than judging and Jongin liked that. He liked it a lot. Never mind how surreal it was to be even discussing your tattoos with a complete stranger at a bus stop in the first place.
"I'd pretty much had enough of the pain by then. Plus, I ran out of money." There was that low chuckle again.
"I probably wouldn't even have made it past the letter E. I have zero tolerance for pain." Kyungsoo pointed at Jongin's finger tattoos which seemed to spell E-X-I-T in an angular calligraphy font.
"Endorphins kick in after a while and it doesn't hurt so much."
"The problem would be getting me to agree to even let anyone near me with a needle in the first place."
"Yeah ... You don't really look like the type to get tattoos." Jongin said and Kyungsoo laughed.
"No. No, I'm definitely not the type to get tattoos."
"So why are you out here so late? I've never seen you around here."
"Well, I would usually be on the way home by now but I missed the 9.30 bus. I help out at the community center on Carrington Street - with the singing classes."
"Does that pay well?"
"Nope. It's a community center - they can't afford to pay much. But I enjoy teaching. Oh God, that sounds so lame."
Before Jongin could respond, there was a sudden blast of noise as the bar doors swung open. Two tall, male bodies spilled out onto the sidewalk and Jongin smirked in recognition - it was Tao and Sehun. The streetlights reflected dully off their spiky blonde hair as they staggered slightly along the sidewalk. They must have sculled something stronger than beer after he left. The two guys were walking past the alley when Sehun unexpectedly ducked in, dragging Tao by the elbow.
"Oh." Kyungsoo made a little sound of surprise as their mouths fused together in a torrid kiss. It should have seemed sordid, a kiss between two guys in a dark alley ... and yet there was nothing seamy about it. It just seemed ardent. Passionate. Their mouths chased each other's and their hands ... Kyungsoo didn't want to know what their hands were doing and he quickly looked away, feeling ashamed of himself for intruding on such a private moment. The minute he looked away from the intimate encounter in the alley, his eyes met Jongin's. The other boy was watching him intently.
"I ... um. I wasn't expecting them to kiss. I didn't mean to watch." Kyungsoo groaned at his amazing ability to say the worst things at the worst times. Why couldn't he learn to just keep his mouth shut?
"They're my friends. Tao and Sehun." Jongin had barely even seen his friends kiss - he'd been too captivated by the naked emotions chasing themselves across Kyungsoo's expressive face. Surprise. Wonder. Awe. Appreciation. And finally, embarrassment. What Jongin hadn't seen though, were signs of distaste or revulsion. And he liked Kyungsoo even more for it.
"I guess they're dating, huh?" Kyungsoo said a little self-consciously.
"Not when I left the bar ten minutes ago." Jongin said wryly as he pulled off his beanie and ruffled his golden yellow hair thoughtfully. "But they've been working up to it for months - I don't even know why it took them so long to get to this stage. Denial, I guess." Well, that was just another odd thing to be discussing with a stranger at a bus stop but Jongin wasn't even surprised anymore.
Kyungsoo watched surreptitiously as Jongin pulled the charcoal gray beanie back on and covered up most of his yellow blonde hair. Either way he looked at it, he found Jongin fascinating and that should have worried him because hello? Tattoos, piercings - and who even knew what other unseen piercings he had? And since when had he found tattoos attractive? Before he could beat himself up further though, Jongin asked him about his course and why he'd chosen the vocal stream and they chatted easily till the 9.50 bus approached the bus stop.
"Well, that's me."
"Me, too." Jongin lied. He didn't know which part of town he'd end up in and how the fuck he'd get home from there but he didn't much care at the moment. He just knew he wanted to spend more time with Kyungsoo and so he boarded a bus he shouldn't even have been on. It was late so there were many empty seats on the bus and Kyungsoo took a window seat - he always took a window seat if he could help it because he liked looking out at the world and imagining how people lived their lives. Jongin thought about asking if it was okay if he sat down next to Kyungsoo but in the end he just slid in casually beside him, their jean clad thighs almost touching. Taking up where they left off, Jongin and Kyungsoo talked about nothing and everything till they reached Kyungsoo's stop about fifteen minutes into the journey.
"Will you be at that bus stop next Thursday?"
"Yeah, sure I will. Every Thursday. But I usually take the 9.30 bus."
"Maybe I'll see you then?"
"I'd like that," Kyungsoo smiled at him as he got up. Jongin turned his body so his feet were planted in the aisle and Kyungsoo could squeeze past him. Kyungsoo's thighs brushed briefly against Jongin's left shoulder and the slight pressure felt ... nice. Nice was not a word that existed in Jongin's vocabulary but it seemed like the right word to use to describe the fleeting sensation of Kyungsoo's body in contact with his.
Jongin slid over to the window and looked out. Kyungsoo was just stepping off the bus and he turned left, inadvertently heading in the direction of Jongin's window. He soon caught sight of Jongin watching him through smudged glass, and he raised a hand to wave at him. Jongin held his hand up and, after a moment's hesitation, placed his palm against the glass. Kyungsoo stopped walking and just stared at him through the glass, a pensive expression on his face. Jongin stared back, his eyes intense and his lips unsmiling. And then the bus was moving, and for the second time that night, Kyungsoo watched as a set of tail lights floated into the distance, drifting further and further away from him.
Inside the bus, Jongin cursed quietly. Why did that boy affect him so deeply? He was the complete opposite of everything he knew and he ought to stay the hell away from him. There was something innately pure about Do Kyungsoo and he had no right messing around with his kind of wide-eyed innocence. But Jongin knew his heart - what was left of it anyway - had never been one for listening to his head and he hoped he wouldn't end up hurting the boy. It was the last thing he wanted. He really needed to stay away from him. Dragging his palm down his face tiredly, he reached for his cellphone and speed dialed 2.
"Sehun are you guys still in that alley?"
"What the fuck, Jongin? What did you see?"
"Enough. So I kinda need a favor - can you pick me up? I'm sorta stranded." And Jongin held the phone away from his ear for a few seconds as Sehun let out a string of expletives. Then, calmly, he told Sehun where to rendezvous with him before moving the phone away from his ear again as Sehun went on another tirade.
"Right, okay, thanks. So you'll come get me, right? I'll see you soon. Yes, yes, I know I owe you lunch and dinner for this. Dammit, Sehun."
When he'd pocketed his phone, he looked through the glass pane before him - trying to concentrate on the dark shapes and multicolored lights of the night scape outside so he wouldn't see his own reflection, or ghost images of the boy who'd been sitting in the spot he now sat in.