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The sunset turned the horizon a violent orange, and from their vantage point on the roof, the reflection off the buildings across the PSU campus looked like fire. However, on this particular evening, Neil only had eyes for Andrew.
Andrew glanced up to see Neil staring at him, as he did more often than not these days. ‘Stop looking at me like that Josten.’
‘Looking at you like what?’ Neil says, obviously lost in thought.
'Like you want to say something sappy.’ Andrew says flatly.
‘Maybe I do? What about it’
‘I never pegged you for a romantic.’
‘I don't think ‘romantic’ is a word that could be used to describe either of us’, Neil says wryly. ‘But it wouldn't be a bad thing to be.’
Andrew rolled his eyes at that and said ‘Of all the things in the world you could want, you want to be a romantic? You really are dumber than I thought.’
'I've been a lot of things in my life, but never someone who's open about what they want. I’m trying something new, now that I can.’
Andrew studied his face, trying to see if there was any hidden meaning to his words. Finally he said ‘So you're just going to go around sharing all your deepest, darkest desires? I’m sure that will end well.’
‘You know what I mean, Drew. I’m still pretty new at this whole ‘wanting’ thing. I've never been allowed to want anything that wasn't about survival or exy. And even that was dangerous. Now that I have the chance to do all the silly little things I want to do, I'm going to do them. So, if I want to sit here and stare at you with a dopey expression on my face, I will. As long as you'll let me, that is.’ Neil said simply, like admitting something like that was the easiest thing in the world.
Andrew stared at him. He schooled his expression as to not give away any emotion, but the redhead had an uncanny ability to read him and was content to wait it out while Andrew processed what he said. Finally he looked away and muttered ‘110%’ before taking a long drag of his cigarette.
‘Answer for an answer?’ Neil asked
‘I thought we were done with our game of truths. What else could you possibly want to know about me, Junkie?’
‘Humor me? Yes or no.’
Andrew thought it over as he pulled a new cigarette from the pack. He took his time lighting it and taking a drag before nodding his head for Neil to continue with whatever inane line of questioning he had in mind.
Neil’s face lit up. Andrew wondered if he knew how expressive he got when they were alone, when there was no one else to see except him.
‘What do you want, Andrew?’
‘I don’t want anything.”
‘Oh come on, everyone wants something.’
‘What I want is irrelevant.’
‘Says who? I think it’s very relevant. I think you deserve good things every once in a while.’ Neil says.
‘People like me don’t deserve good things Josten.” Andrew says flatly.
‘Kevin once told me that it doesn’t matter if you deserve what you want. The point is that you want it, and you go for it.”
‘Since when do you take advice from Kevin?’ Andrew scoffs
‘Normally I would agree with you, Kevin doesn’t know shit about anything that isn’t Exy or random European wars from 300 years ago. But just this once, I think he might have been right.’ Neil says as he steals Andrew's cigarette. He inhales to keep it burning, then just sits and smells the smoke. Andrew would be annoyed at the waste of yet another cigarette, but he was currently too busy thinking about what Neil had said.
Andrew thought it over for a long moment, weighing the pros and cons of answering truthfully or just brushing off the question, before he said 'Every time I've wanted anything, it's never ended well. Now I want nothing. It's easier that way.’
‘And as you've always said, I am Nothing.’’, Neil replies with a smirk.
Andrew rolled his eyes and says ‘You’re really never going to let that one go, are you?’
'Not as long as you keep saying it.’ Neil shrugged.
‘But seriously, Drew. Don't you ever let yourself want anything? Things are different now.’
‘Things can always go wrong, Neil. That's the way the world works. You want things, something bad happens, you pick up the pieces and move on.’
Neil frowned at that, his brows furrowing. 'Then shouldn't we try to enjoy what we can while we can?’ He asked Earnestly.
Far too Earnestly, as far as Andrew was concerned. This wasn't the conversation he expected to have on a sleepy Sunday afternoon, and quite frankly, he was overwhelmed by the direction it had taken. He didn't have a witty comeback or a biting comment to shut Neil up, and he felt out of his depth. Andrew hated feeling caught off guard, and it was especially annoying that such a simple question had caused this sudden existential crisis. Instead of answering, Andrew just murmured ‘yes or no’ and leaned in,effectively changing the subject. He knew Neil wasn't satisfied with his lack of an answer, but for a moment he was willing to let it be and just kiss instead.
But the conversation didn't leave Andrew’s mind. He continued to think about it instead of sleeping that night. He pondered it when he should’ve been paying attention in class, relying on his eidetic memory to take in whatever his professors had written up on the board. He was even lost in thought during practice. No one else seemed to notice, but then again, Andrew wasn’t exactly known for giving 110% on a random Tuesday afternoon scrimmage. But Neil did clock how he put even less effort in than usual; how he didn’t even use his team members as target practice (something he was actually known for).
Neil didn’t say anything, perhaps he was used to Andrew getting quiet and lost in his own internal world every now and then. He just sent slightly worried looks in Andrew’s direction every so often, and he danced around Andrew after practice, like he wasn’t sure if he should stick close or give him space. Andrew would appreciate his concern, would marvel at how new it is to have someone care so much about him, except he was currently in the midst of a mild existential crisis. He gave Neil a tap on his shoulder to let him know that he was ok, then he went to the roof alone to think.
The problem was, Andrew didn’t know what he wanted. Wanting something was such a foreign concept to him. His whole childhood, he just wished he would disappear. The only thing he wanted was for his next foster home to not be as bad as his current one, and that never happened. When he finally found his family, all he really wanted was to keep them there with him at all costs. And if he was being really honest with himself, he had dug his claws in so deep that he had almost pushed them away entirely in the process.
He had wanted hookups, but only on his terms, and it was always just a means to an end. He wanted Neil. He wanted him so bad Andrew had thought it was a side effect of the drugs. But after Easthaven, Neil was still there and Andrew still wanted him. Getting to have Neil and his family should be enough, he never thought about wanting anything beyond that. But ever since their conversation on the roof, it was all Andrew could think about and it was driving him crazy.
He decided to bring it up to Betsy at their next session. If anyone could help him unpack the mess of emotions in his brain without judgment, it would be her.
‘Well? What do you want, Andrew?’
When she first repeated the question back to him, Andrew immediately said ‘I want Nothing.’
Bee didn’t say anything, but she gave him a look, one that was becoming more and more familiar. She knew Andrew’s habit of calling Neil ‘Nothing’, and therefore she knew the significance of the word, that it really meant the opposite. That instead of meaning literally nothing, it meant more along the lines of ‘something I shouldn't want, and can't have’.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, as Bee gave Andrew time to think before she said ‘Now Andrew, we’ve known each other long enough that I can say that I don't believe that's quite as true as you want it to be. Would you mind if I tell you what I think?’
Andrew thought for a second, then he nodded his head. He knew Betsy wouldn't offer up her opinion unless she thought he would benefit from hearing it.
“I think that you want many things Andrew. You want Neil. You want Kevin and Aaron and Nicky to be safe. You want them all to be happy, and you want them all to need you in their life. All of that is really admirable, but I think the question I think we should be asking is this: Can you think of an example of a time in your life when you wanted something that had nothing to do with anyone else? Something that was just for you?’
‘I wanted a car, and I got it once Aaron’s mother died. that counts, right?’
‘Did you really want the car, Andrew? Or did you want to waste Tilda’s money on something that seemed frivolous and expensive as a way to get back at her even after her death?’ Bee asked him.
Andrew kept his expression blank as he sipped his hot chocolate and thought about the question. He knew she was right, but he didn't enjoy it. What did he want? He thought and thought but was drawing a blank. Eventually, he admitted 'Outside of Neil and my family, I’m not sure anything else matters.’
Betsy’s eyes softened at that. ‘Oh Andrew. You know that isn’t true, right? You’re allowed to want things in life and that doesn’t make you selfish or a monster. And what you want matters.’
Andrew shifted in his seat uncomfortably, and shrugged his shoulders noncommittally instead of responding.
‘Now, our time here is coming to an end for today. If it’s alright with you, I’d like you to work on a little something until we see each other again: I’d like you to make a list of five things you want, just for you.
They can be big things like a goal in life, or small things like a specific ice cream flavor. But I want them to be things that you want just for you. Not for anyone else. You don’t have to work towards making these desires a reality, the whole point is to just admit that you want them. How does that sound?’
Truthfully, Andrew thought the whole thing sounded overly sentimental and silly, but then again, Bee had never steered him wrong before. He agreed to give it a shot before leaving her office and heading back to the dorms.
Everything was exactly as it had been when he left: Aaron and Nicky were cursing at each other from their bean bags while shooting at each other in some video game. Kevin was in the room with headphones in, Yelling at them to be quiet so he could watch some history documentary in peace. Neil was sitting at the table pretending to do his math homework, but he was really doodling in his notebook. Andrew could tell because he was on the same problem as he had been over an hour ago.
Neil perked up when he walked into their room, like he’d been waiting for him to return. The thought made Andrew’s stomach swoop. Andrew tossed him the keys with a quick “yes or no?’ instead of outright asking if Neil wanted to go for a drive, and Neil nodded his agreement.
They had gotten into the habit of taking the Mas for a drive when they didn’t have much else to do. Nicky had referred to it as their ‘weirdo date night’ exactly once before the flash of Andrew’s knives had quickly shut him up. Thinking about it now, Andrew could maybe admit that he wasn’t entirely wrong.
Kevin stuck his head out the door of the room before they left and said ‘Make sure you have him back in time for night practice. We need to go over a new passing drill.’
Andrew said nothing, and Neil flipped him the bird in response.
Kevin scowled and locked himself back in the room, muttering to himself about a lack of commitment to the game. Andrew was glad he wasn’t coming, there was only so much Exy talk he could take in a day and the odds of that particular conversation topic coming up dropped exponentially when he kept Neil and Kevin away from each other.
They drove aimlessly around the town, then took to the highway to really let the car reach her full potential. Andrew was grateful that Neil never said anything about his love of driving fast, even if the other man was a more careful driver himself. Andrew didn’t have a particular destination in mind, but he found himself driving towards a state park that he and Neil had found on one of their previous drives.
It was quiet, not many other people were around on a Wednesday afternoon. They parked the car in a shady clearing and sat on the hood. Andrew lit two cigarettes, knowing Neil would just steal his for the smoke if he didn’t get him his own.
They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, just listening to the sound of the birds and the babbling of the stream just a few yards into the woods. It was peaceful, and gave Andrew plenty of time to figure out exactly how he was going to phrase what he wanted to say.
‘So Bee and I had a conversation today that I think you’d find interesting.’, was how he decided to start. It wasn’t his best work, but there wasn’t any going back now.
‘Hmm?’ Neil hummed in response. Andrew knew Neil would never outright ask what he talked about in his sessions with Bee, no matter how curious he might be. This was his way of showing his interest without pressuring Andrew into talking about things that he’d rather keep private. Andrew appreciated the chance to back out, but he was determined to have this conversation today. He wasn’t sure exactly why, but he wanted Neil to know what they had talked about.
‘I told her about our conversation the other day, the one about wanting things.’
‘Oh? What did she have to say about that?’ Neil asked while idly playing with a piece of grass.
‘She basically said that I don’t let myself want things because I don’t think I deserve good things. She said that I only allow myself to want things when they’re for someone else.’ Andrew said slowly. It was hard to say, like trying to swallow sandpaper.
Neil was quiet for a minute as he thought about what Andrew had said. Finally he replied ‘So what are we going to do about that?’, and the way he so casually said ‘we’ had Andrew feeling some type of way.
Andrew looked up at the cloudless sky and said ‘ She wants me to make a list of things I want, things just for me. They can be big or small, and I don’t have to act on it. Just admit that I want it.’
He shook a clump of ash from the tip of his cigarette as an attempt to hide how unsteady his hands were.
Neil looked at him curiously and said ‘Thanks for telling me. Is there a particular reason you’re sharing, or did you just want me to know?’
‘I wanted you to know because I wanted to tell you that … I want this. Whatever this is. I want you. And I want you to know.’ Andrew gritted out. Saying what you want out loud was even harder than he had realized. Maybe he shouldn’t have gone for something so big for his first try, but, then again, when had Andrew ever done things the easy way?
Neil looked like someone had just pulled a rug out from under him, like he couldn’t quite grasp what Andrew was telling him
‘You … want me?’
‘Josten, I thought you weren’t as dumb as you look’. Andrew rolled his eyes
‘Wait, so does this mean we’re going to do all the cheesy couple-y things that Dan and Matt do? Are we going to wear matching outfits and make out in the halls?’ Neil asked with a shit-eating grin.
‘Don’t make me kill you in the woods.’ Andrew said
‘I can’t believe I have to formally announce that PSU’s most eligible bachelor is officially off the market. I think we just lost Allison another 50 bucks. I think she still half believes that we’re just friends with benefits.’
Andrew just stared at him.
‘No but seriously Drew, we can be whatever you want this to be. As cheesy or as not cheesy as we want.’
Andrew nodded, then leaned back on the hood to look up at the sky. Neil bumped Andrew’s shoulder with his, and sat in contented silence. They stayed at the park until dusk, then they made their way back home at a much slower pace. Neil drove this time, partially because Andrew still felt a little unsteady and had a slight headache, and partially because he thought it was hot when Neil drove. Watching Neil drive was definitely one of the easier things to admit that he wanted. Neil drove with one had on the steering wheel, and the other on the gearshift.
While stopped at a red light, Andrew worked himself up to tentatively hovering his hand over Neil’s and asking ‘Yes or No?’
Neil’s smile was so bright Andrew could swear you could see it from space. “It’s Always yes with you, Drew’ he said, as he firmly took Andrew’s hand in his.
Andrew studied his face, searching for any sign that Neil was upset by his sudden ask for physical affection. All he saw was the same earnestness from the first time they had this conversation. Now that his biggest want was out there in the open, how hard could it be to acknowledge more of his frivolous desires. Maybe this wouldn’t be as difficult as he feared, as long as Neil was around.