Chapter Text
Prologue
“Should we have bought a gift?” Millie asked her flatmate and best friend from her position on the opposite sofa. She was painting her nails a bright red colour, blowing on them one by one to help speed along the drying process. “Just what do you buy for a ten year old?” Millie followed up, not waiting for a response to her first question. She replaced the cap on the nail varnish bottle, lest she knock it over, and settled it on the coffee table in front of her. She glanced towards Jean then, thinking she’d continue the conversation properly but noticed that she hadn’t been paying attention anyway. “Jean…?” The woman in question had clearly been somewhere else entirely, her hands paused on her knitting and gaze focused somewhere off into the distance.
“Hmm…” Jean mumbled, vaguely aware of having been asked a question.
“Are you alright chum? You’ve been awfully quiet lately...” Millie had been wanting to address Jean’s preoccupation for a while now but hadn’t quite found the right time or words to do so. Of course, she wasn’t stupid, she knew that it had something to do with her recent ordeal at the hands of the Russians but Jean wasn’t someone who opened up willingly. Millie knew that she had to tread carefully, in case she inadvertently made her friend clam up completely. Jean shook her head, almost as though she were trying to shake off whatever she had been thinking about and gave Millie a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“I’m fine. What was it you were saying?” Jean sat herself up primly, fully focused on Millie so she didn’t attract further scrutiny.
“I wish I could believe that.” Millie blew on her drying fingernails again and placed her hands on her knees to stop herself from accidentally knocking the varnish before it was fully set. “You do know that you can talk to me Jean, that there’s nothing you can’t say to me? If you’re still shaken after your ordeal it’s perfectly understandable.” Jean sighed deeply, knowing that she would have to speak aloud her thoughts at some point.
“It all just keeps going around and around in my head. I just wonder…” Jean took a brief pause for breath, almost as though she was thinking aloud. “As brilliant as the last few months have been, if I should return to England after all?” Jean dared to look Millie in the eye then as she knew that her best friend would be disappointed.
“Whatever for? Surely it gives you all the more reason to stay here, amongst friends?” San Francisco residents and former codebreakers at The Presidio, Iris and Hailey had quickly become firm friends, not only because of their shared secrets from the war but also because they were genuinely lovely women. The group had clicked very early on in their association and, unlike how it had been in their Bletchley days, Jean was equally counted amongst the group.
“It’s still all a bit too foreign for me Millie, so very different from everything I knew back in London. And as much as I’d hoped to stay, perhaps I’m better off going back to what’s familiar and comfortable?” To all intents and purposes she had been talking and thinking of San Francisco as her home for a few weeks now,she’d even told her old Bletchley colleague Nigel Beamish as much.
“Yes and where has that gotten you, recently I mean, after the war and before coming here?” Millie understood Jean well enough to know that this was a self-defence mechanism. Her first instinct after the trauma of her kidnapping was to retreat and go back to the safety of the predictable and bland life she led before.
“Look Millie, I’m not like you. I’ve told you before that we want different things and take different roads to get there. And I’m comfortable on the road well travelled, I don’t want to be in fear of my life every other week or have adventures at every corner I turn. I think I just want to settle back down, be comfortable in my own skin once again.” And that was the crux of the issue, it didn’t matter where Jean physically was in the world, she’d done things, felt things, that had made her question who she thought she was and that was the thing which scared her the most.
“And you can’t do that here?” Jean was conflicted, there was a part of her that had been awakened in the last few months and she had been enjoying getting to know herself again. And then, more recently, Hailey had given her a very big reason to stay, to finally allow herself the happiness that had somehow always eluded her. Hailey’s spirit, her vitality, awed Jean and she wished she had an ounce of that sort of courage. But there was a great big bloody barrier in the way, over her heart, which stopped her from taking that giant leap of faith. Her recent trauma edged her so very close to running off the cliff face and jumping into the abyss but after a lifetime of hiding herself away, avoiding just this very thing, she just couldn’t bring herself to actually do it.
“No Millie, I don’t think I can.” That was a bare-faced lie if ever there was one but now that she’d actually expressed her thoughts to another person, Jean became resolute. It made logical sense, she’d done what she’d come here to do; found justice for Claire and enjoyed the change of scene as a consequence, but it was now time to get back to reality. And if there was a quiver of sadness in her words, she chose to ignore it.
“I think you’re wrong,” Millie narrowed her eyes at her best friend. “You’re running scared, from what I don’t know...” It probably wouldn’t have taken much for Millie to have worked out that Jean was running from herself but fortunately she hadn’t been privy to Hailey’s declaration at the Big Bop a few weeks ago, least of all aware of Jean’s own feelings on the matter. If she had, then she’d have pretty much hit the nail on the head, not that Jean was willing to admit that, especially not to herself. Jean stood up from the sofa and headed into the kitchenette to make a fresh pot of tea thus changing the mood and the subject.
“We can ask Iris about a gift at the party, I’m sure Cadence won’t mind receiving one a few days late.” Jean answered Millie’s first question as she passed her on the way to the kitchen. “Tea?” Millie stared at Jean’s retreating back, there was so much more she wanted to say to her friend but knew she’d probably pushed enough today already.
“Yes please,” Millie answered and decided to just get on and enjoy the rest of the afternoon at the party. They’d not seen Iris for a few days and Hailey since the gathering at the Big Bop over three weeks ago. Life had been blissfully quiet for a change and Millie had taken the opportunity to spend some quality time alone with Bill while he was still in recovery from his gunshot injury. He’d been a challenge to win over and get to know properly, although no doubt he’d say the same of her, but she had needed someone like that in her life. He was a good man and did respect her independence and boundaries, even if he did need reminding on occasion. She could definitely see some sort of a future with him in it, but she wasn’t going to make it too easy for him!
***
Chapter One
Hailey closed the oven door with a bump of her right hip. She carefully balanced the heavily stacked baking tray in her oven-gloved hands until she could offload it onto the worksurface. This was the second of four trays, this one full of bite-sized sausage rolls. Suddenly Cadence came barrelling into the kitchen, almost knocking Hailey off her feet as she did so.
“Woah there birthday girl! Didn’t your mother tell you not to run in the kitchen when it’s in use? If I hadn’t just put that tray down, you’d be halfway to the hospital by now!” Cadence looked suitably chastised and Hailey hated telling her off but it was for her own safety.
“Sorry Aunt Hailey, I guess I just got a little excited.” Hailey ruffled the top of the youngster’s naturally styled hair and smiled brightly.
“That’s okay kiddo, you’re allowed to be. Just didn’t wanna see you hurt.” She pressed a kiss to her brow and passed her a sausage roll. “Here… blow on it first as it’s really hot in the middle… and don’t tell your mom.” Hailey winked before Cadence skipped off in the direction of the courtyard out back. Hailey set about making up jugs of squash for the children and filled a bucket with cold water to keep a few bottled beers cool on such a warm, sunny day. No doubt Dennis would want one too but then he’d been sneaking beer off Hailey since just after the turn of the decade anyway.
Hailey had no idea why Cadence had started taking to calling her ‘Aunt Hailey,’ that was definitely a recent development. She’d always been plain old Hay-Bale , their Mom’s friend from the war. The fun, cool person who would allow them to get away with most things whenever she babysat. She was sure that while Iris knew about all the trouble they got up to, she had never been irresponsible when in charge of their safety.
Hailey heard the front door loudly shut closed and deduced that Iris was back from her last-minute shop. She headed straight into the kitchen so she could put the heavy string bags down on the table.
“Thank you so much for holding the fort Hailey, I owe you big time.” Iris shrugged out of her thin cardigan and set it over the back of one of the chairs.
“It’s no problem, I’ve enjoyed it actually.” Hailey grinned at Iris but then made a point of checking the kitchen clock, the next batch of nibbles were due out of the oven in five minutes.
“Is that Hailey code for you’ve been up to no good?” For a moment that reminded Hailey of when Iris had been sat in her room with the responses to her ad for new housemates. She’d told her that Hailey hadn’t needed a ‘code.’ It had jarred at the time and even though Iris had made it clear Hailey’s inclinations weren’t a problem for her personally, she still preferred Hailey to keep them to herself for the sake of appearances.
Iris was well versed about the sort of effort it took to be seen as a respectable citizen; life as a woman of colour was difficult enough in this neighbourhood so she had to be twice as ‘good’ as everyone else. Sometimes that meant she could come across as serious, no-nonsense and with little sense of fun. Only Iris’s true friends got to know her playful side and Hailey was privileged to bear witness to it more often than most.
“Who, me? Ye of little faith! I’ll have you know that your daughter has been keeping tabs on me, double digits and she’s thinking she’s all grown up!” Hailey jested but then saw Iris’s smile falter. “Hey, what’s up?”
“My baby’s growing up.” It was almost as though the realisation had suddenly hit her.
“Yeah, they have a tendency to do that.” Hailey joked and then thought better of it. “You missing Marcus?”
“A little, yeah.” Hailey reached out and gave Iris a brief, one-armed squeeze. The older woman wasn’t especially demonstrative in her affections with her friends but it wasn’t because she was uncomfortable, it was just the way she was.
“He’ll be back home before you know it and as for Cadence, isn’t this the most interesting part? Watching her discover who she is? What she’ll become? All those ideas and opinions taking shape?” Iris reached out and squeezed Hailey’s bicep in gratitude for her kind words.
“Thank you, you always seem to know just the right thing to say.”
“Well, right now I’d say that the sausages need to be taken out of the oven, so if you’ll excuse me…” Hailey picked the gloves back up and opened the oven door, a waft of steam greeted her and she remembered to get her face out of the way in time. Iris watched as Hailey almost seemed to know her way around her kitchen better than she did. As unusual a friendship as it appeared from the outside, Hailey was her best friend and she’d been a fixture in her life well beyond what they had shared at the Presidio. Hailey had never seen the difference in their backgrounds, ages or the colour of their skin as anything other than simply a part of themselves. Hailey couldn’t hold a prejudice even if she tried.
***
An hour later and there were half a dozen kids running around, they had discovered the joys of running the loop from the front door to the kitchen, out through the courtyard, out of the side gate and back round. Hailey had suspicions they were taking turns doing laps but she was enjoying watching their antics too much to say anything and ruin their fun. All of the cooking had been done so the kitchen was back to being safe, well as safe as a kitchen could be anyway. She just hoped the food would survive, at least until it was time to eat it and then it would be decimated within a few scant minutes. Especially if Dennis and his friends had arrived by that point. Hailey’s smile dropped a little and she spent a few moments thinking about young Isaac who had been so tragically killed only a few short months ago. She wondered how the Harrisons were getting on in their new home across the water in Oakland and made a mental note to ask Iris at some point.
Hailey had just finished a round of washing up and had decided to join Iris and a couple of the other moms on the courtyard for a while, leaving the plates and cups to dry out on the side. She was just drying her hands, and arms up to her elbows - how on earth had the dishwater travelled all the way up there - when she heard voices outside. Straight away she’d recognised Jean’s voice and her heart gave a little pang in response before almost beating out of her chest.
Frozen on the spot but within the safety of the kitchen, Hailey fought to calm herself down. She’d not seen Jean since that evening, the one where she had to go and ruin it all but telling her that she was in love with her. She’d not exactly been suave about it either, it had been spontaneous and clumsy and in too public a setting. Jean’s response had been incredibly kind at the time, Hailey’s tendency to wear her heart on her sleeve had meant that Jean had already known how she felt and hadn’t seemed upset or angry about it. But in the cold light of day, Hailey had begun to question what exactly that response had meant on a deeper level. It hadn’t been an outright rejection but it also hadn’t been an admission that Jean felt the same way. Everything about their interactions for the rest of that evening could have been read on different levels, depending on how she chose to look at it, so Hailey was left feeling very ambiguously about the state of their friendship. That and the guilt over her own part in Jean’s kidnapping had prevented her from reaching out.
“Ah, here she is! We were beginning to forget what you looked like.” Millie exclaimed dramatically as she entered the kitchen and planted an exuberant kiss to her cheek. She’d left behind a ruby red lipstick smudge.
“Hi.” Hailey greeted her back and then saw Jean follow in behind her.
“Hello Hailey.” Even the way Jean said her name caused a fluttering in her stomach and Hailey cursed herself for being so weak and transparent. Unlike Millie, the Scot made no move to embrace her in greeting. It wasn’t Jean’s style but it hadn’t stopped Hailey from hoping anyway.
“Jean.” She’d lost the ability to act normally, forgotten how they had interacted before she’d run her mouth off and confessed her feelings. She did, however, chance a brief glance at her friend and for one intense moment their eyes met. It was far too brief to decipher exactly what had been exchanged between them but they had both looked away from each other at the same time. The moment was swept away by the general party hubbub. Iris took the girls back outside and made introductions with some of the other women in attendance.
“Come on Hailey, you can’t hide away in the kitchen all afternoon!” Millie called out after a short while. Hailey knew that she hadn’t meant anything by it but that was pretty much exactly what she had been doing. It was too late anyway, Jean had appeared in the doorway with a small but genuine smile on her face.
“Do you need a hand with anything?” Jean looked just as lovely as ever in a skirt down to her knees and a short sleeved shirt. Hailey knew that Millie had been trying to get Jean to expand her wardrobe a little but aside from the one new blouse that she’d bought her, Jean hadn’t really taken too kindly to that idea.
“No, it’s alright I uh…” Hailey stopped herself mid-sentence, this tense atmosphere wasn’t doing either of them any good so she knew she had to suck it up and get on with the afternoon for everyone’s sake. She was fairly adept at burying her own feelings by now. “You know what? Actually yeah, would you prefer to wash or dry?” Jean stepped fully into the kitchen and right next to Hailey by the sink.
“I’ll wash. You probably know where everything gets put away once dried.” They looked at each other then and smiled, seemingly agreeing on the truce they’d called on an argument they didn’t know that they’d had. Jean started the hot tap running and held her fingers underneath the fawcett until she felt the heat come through. She put the plug in the sink, squirted a little washing up liquid into the rising water and found the dishcloth on the side. She started to place the plates into the washing up water and turned off the tap once it was full up. Hailey meanwhile had taken a tea towel from the hook and had begun to dry the glasses and mugs that had already been standing on the draining board for a while. She placed them one by one on the worksurface ready to put away when she’d dried them all. They worked in silence for a few moments while they each tried to work out in their own heads how to break the ice.
“How have you been?” Hailey finally asked softly, kindness etched in every syllable.
“Admittedly I’ve been better but I think I’m getting there.” Jean felt compelled to be honest with the younger woman, there was no good reason to lie to her and she’d probably see right through it anyway. “I didn’t realise how long it’s been since I last saw you, is everything okay?” Hailey had the grace to blush out of embarrassment. Of course Jean knew that she’d been deliberately avoiding her, how could she not?
“I just thought you could use some space.” Hailey caught Jean’s eye and gave her a little wry smile. “The last thing I wanted was to make you feel uncomfortable and I wasn’t sure that you… I mean… you know…” She stumbled over her words. It still wasn’t the right place to have this sort of conversation but they needed to establish where they each stood at the same time. Sooner rather than later. Hailey was just about to start her sentence again when she was interrupted from outside.
“Hailey!” Iris yelled for her and the younger woman wondered if there had been an accident by the urgency in her voice. She looked at Jean and shrugged her shoulders before heading outside.
“Oh, hello Olivia, glad you could make it after all.” Hailey greeted her former Presidio colleague brightly when she noticed that she’d arrived at the party. Before Jean and Millie had arrived in San Francisco, they’d not been in contact since the end of the war. Olivia’s Japanese roots had caused her many problems with the authorities and neither Hailey nor Iris had had the power to do anything about it. They’d felt inordinately guilty about the whole messy business, about what Olivia had been reduced to when she was one of the brightest, most intelligent women around. But their recent adventures had helped to bury the hatchet and Olivia had really come through for them in terms of obtaining information. At least she now had the respect of her higher-ranking colleague, Detective Bill Bryce.
“I’m afraid it’s not a social call.” Olivia held out a piece of paper to Hailey as Jean walked out into the courtyard. She dried her hands on the tea towel Hailey had left behind in the kitchen. “This came through for you at the station.” There was a look of confusion on Hailey’s face but she took the paper anyway. She unfolded it and read the words that would change her life. She made no sound as she took off, grabbed her shoulder bag on the way out and left her friends standing in shock after her.
“What was in the note?” Iris asked her former colleague and now reacquainted friend. Olivia hesitated for a split second but she knew that she’d not be able to quote confidentiality, especially considering some of the rule-breaking she’d done for them recently.
“I’m sorry to say that it was a telegram from Hailey’s mother, her father passed away last month and she wants her to come home for a visit. She didn’t have a forwarding address, only knew that she was living in San Francisco.”
“Oh, goodness, that’s awful news.” Millie exclaimed.
“Hailey has a… complicated relationship with her family but yes, it’s terrible. I should go and see where she’s got to and if she’s alright.” Iris paused for a second and then remembered she was hosting a party in her own home. “But I can’t, not on Cady’s birthday...” Iris looked disappointed not to be able to help her best friend when she needed it the most.
“I’ll go, I’ve got an idea of where she might have been headed.” Jean offered, thinking immediately of the beach where Hailey had taken her after James Crawford had put a gun to her head. Hailey had given her an indication it was somewhere she often came when she needed some space to think.
“I could give you a lift somewhere?” Olivia offered and Jean nodded gratefully at her. Jean picked up her handbag and they left the apartment together. Iris looked positively morose as she watched them leave and Millie gave her arm a squeeze in reassurance.
“She’ll be alright, Jean will make sure of that. In the meantime, you’ve got a party to host and I’m going to help you.”
“Thank you Millie, that means a lot.”
***
Olivia found the entrance to the beach easily enough with Jean’s instructions. She was aware of the beauty spot but had little time to visit herself. She had spotted Hailey’s car parked up in the lay-by, obviously not having driven onto the actual beach this time. Olivia parked up beside it and Jean opened the car door.
“Are you going to be okay?”
“Yes, I’m sure Hailey will drive me back home later.” Jean was about to get out of the car but paused, Olivia worked in the Police Department, she might have been privy to information that not even Iris knew. She decided to chance her luck. “What do you know of her family situation?”
“Not much more than you I’m afraid, she’s the eldest of six children and grew up in the Canadian prairies on a farm. She’s never really said why she ran away from home. I don’t think it’s anything terrible though, if that’s what you were thinking.” At least Olivia had not heard anything to the contrary.
“The thought had crossed my mind but thanks, that’s at least something.” Jean would still have to ask Hailey the question, just to be sure.
“Good luck and tell Hailey that we’re all thinking of her.”
“Thanks, I will.” Jean stepped fully out of the car and made her way down to the beach as Olivia drove off back to work. She could already see a figure sitting on a large rock on the edge of the water and was pretty certain that it was Hailey. She took her time in making her way through the sand and stone, not especially easy with her injury and she wished she had brought her stick. But then this wasn’t exactly how she’d envisaged spending her afternoon when she and Millie had left the house earlier.
The beach was calm and clear, with not another soul for miles. The gentle whoosh and rush of the waves as they hit the shore comforting to a troubled mind. Jean wondered if she should have come here herself over the last few weeks. She hoped that her clumsy footsteps over the pebbles might have alerted Hailey to her presence but it seemed the younger woman was too deep in thought for it to have registered.
“Hailey?” Jean addressed her as softly and as gently as she could. When she didn’t get an immediate reaction, Jean walked around the rock Hailey was sitting on so she was on the edge of her peripheral vision. “Hailey?” The second attempt did the trick and Hailey glanced towards the sound of Jean’s voice. She jumped a little at the unexpected company but subconsciously she hadn’t been completely unaware of Jean being there. Jean smiled kindly when Hailey made eye contact with her. “You don’t have to talk, I just didn’t want you to be on your own.” The younger woman gave her a watery smile, uncharacteristically unable to find her voice just yet. She shuffled up on the rock and patted the space she’d just made for Jean to sit on. She held out her hand to help her balance and it was surprisingly easier than she thought it would be. Jean smoothed out the creases in her skirt with her hands and made herself comfortable. She looked out towards the Golden Gate Bridge with an unexpected lump in her throat. There was something about the water that was a comfort to her, in Scotland she had been surrounded by the coastline and the River Thames in London had been the lifeblood of the city. Jean had put her driving skill to use and had even driven herself out to the South East coast for an occasional ice cream or fish and chips by the sea. She looked out over the ocean once again and considered that it could both be invigorating and reflective at the same time.
“I don’t know where to start.” Hailey confessed to her friend after a few moments of comfortable silence, her mind had been a tumultuous circle of thoughts and feelings since arriving here.
“How about starting with what you’re thinking right now?” Hailey let out a sardonic ‘humph’ which made Jean look up at her in confusion.
“You really want to know, huh?” Hailey looked her friend square in the eye, if she was going to say it she wanted to leave her in no doubt exactly what she meant. At Jean’s nod Hailey continued. “I’m thinking that you’re sitting next to me and I’d quite like to kiss you ... or hold you... both really.” It was at least honest, if a little direct and unexpected.
“Oh…” Jean trailed off and averted her gaze, not really knowing what to say to Hailey’s very pointed request.
“Yeah, thought that might not have been the answer you were looking for.” Hailey took a deep breath and looked back out over the ocean. “Look, I get it. You don’t feel the same, I don’t know if I really expected any different to be honest. I just thought that you should know, especially after everything that happened that day.” Hailey was resigned but had wanted Jean to know that she was loved, that people would have missed her had she not come through her ordeal alive. She was constantly being reminded that she only had one shot at life and if she could find her happiness with Jean then she was flippin’ well going to grab it with both hands.
“It’s not that I don’t …” Jean said under her breath, almost as though she had been afraid to say it. Hailey looked up at her sharply as her heart soared, surprised by the way this conversation was now going. “I… I just can’t . I don’t think I even realised how I felt about you until that moment.” That was a little bit of a lie, she’d recognised the signs in herself, especially when she had realised the depths of Hailey’s feelings but had tried to ignore it as best she could.
It was also one of the things that had kept her going when she was tied up in that hotel room. She had told herself that she would do something about it when she was finally free, that she’d be brave and take a chance. “I wasn’t even looking for it, so it’s come as a huge surprise.” Jean reached out and took Hailey’s hand in her own, wanting a physical connection between them, no matter how small. It wasn’t quite the hug or kiss that Hailey had asked for, but she hoped it went some way to conveying a little of how she felt herself. “I’ve thought about this a lot over the last few weeks…” There was a big pause as Jean took a moment to compose herself. “ But , after everything that happened to me, everything that’s happened since I came here really, I’ve decided to return to England.” Hailey’s heart broke at the news. Not having Jean in her life at all was worse than her love not being returned. What made it even worse was that she now knew Jean loved her back but there was nothing else she could do to change her mind, she’d already played her trump card and too soon, as it turned out. Tears stung at her eyes and she tried to swallow them down as she looked back out onto the ocean. It worked a couple of times before the heartbreak became too much and she let them fall. She and Jean had shared enough now that she wasn’t going to hold back on letting her see how she was affected by it.
“You’re not running away from me are you?” Jean smiled sadly, in some ways she knew that’s exactly what she was doing but it wasn’t Hailey herself that she was running away from, it was the possibility of what could happen if they took a chance on their feelings. Of the future that lay before them. It was scary and Jean didn’t think she had any strength left to see it through. Hailey deserved more than that. “I still feel guilty that it was all my fault in the first place, I can see why you might not want to be around me.” Jean shook her head and ran her thumb over the back of Hailey’s hand in small circles, willing her to keep the contact despite the direction their conversation had taken.
“No, I’m not running away from you and I don’t blame you in the slightest for what happened. It’s just that... if things were different… ” Hailey turned her head to glance back at Jean.
“If things were different you wouldn’t be you and I wouldn’t be me. I fell in love with you just the way you are Jean and I wouldn’t change a thing. So why can’t we just be together?” The younger woman almost implored Jean to change her mind.
“It’s not easy for women like us Hailey, you’ve seen it with your own eyes, with Rusty and Edward… Every step of the way would be fraught with things we’d have to overcome and that’s not even taking into account the difference in our ages. I don’t think I’ve got the energy to put up that sort of a fight, not anymore.”
“That’s a whole lot of ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes,’ surely taking a chance on us would be worth a little bit of hassle?” It wasn’t said out loud but Hailey had wondered if that meant she wasn’t worth it, that she wasn’t special enough for Jean to at least try.
“I don’t doubt it! You and I... I think we would have made a great team. But it wouldn’t be without risk and I’m scared Hailey, I’m so very tired of being scared.” Jean was normally such a strong person, people often looked to her for direction in times of trouble so it was a strange feeling being in the opposite position. But after everything she’d been through at the hands of the Russians it had given her such a fright.
“You think I’m not? You know me Jean, the real me. You’ve seen what’s underneath all the bravado and confidence. But I close my eyes and do it anyway, not every time but when it counts. I have to otherwise I would still be living on the farm, desperately unhappy.” Even Iris didn’t often see those moments when Hailey was scared herself but Jean had seen through her tough exterior and beyond the outward persona.
“And that’s the thing I haven’t got, I haven’t got that fight in me anymore, I’ve had enough of being brave.”
“Okay, say that’s all true; why do you have to leave, why not just stay here? I’m a grown up, I can manage to just be friends if that’s what you want?” Hailey could see they were going round in circles so she tried a different tack.
“I know that but I think what I really want is to go back to my old life, the one without the life-threatening adventures and chasing villains all over San Francisco. Back to something that is comfortable and familiar so I can feel settled once again. I feel like I’m on a merry-go-round and can’t get off.” That’s how Hailey was feeling right now too, the elation of her love being returned had been overshadowed by the fact that she was losing Jean anyway. Her father’s death and the prospect of having to return to her homeland compounded her nightmare and Hailey was starting to wonder if she really was as brave as Jean thought she was.
They let the silence linger, each mourning the love they couldn’t have, the life that they couldn’t share. The ocean waves lapped a little more forcefully at the shore and the bright sunshine had begun to fade. Night was closing in and Hailey knew Jean wasn’t going to go anywhere without discussing her father’s recent death.
“My mother wants me to go back to the farm.” Hailey spoke solemnly, finally opening up about what brought her to the beach in the first place.
“And you don’t want to?” It hadn’t taken a genius to deduce that but Jean wanted Hailey to open up and tell her why, what the history was.
“It’s not been my home for fourteen years, I’ve not been back since I left because I’ve not wanted to. Nothing will have changed.” Hailey was resolute, there was a frustration there, buried a long time ago and it was very deep rooted.
“Only it has, your mother probably needs your support, she’s just lost her husband, the father of her children. You’re their eldest child, it’s only natural she’d want you to come home at a time like this.”
“She just needs someone to help run the house and look after the livestock. I promise you, not that much will have changed.” She’d not had much contact with her family since she left, Hailey had telephoned a couple of times at the end of the war to let them know she was safe and living in San Francisco, but there hadn’t been anything like remembering birthdays and christmases.
“Is that why you ran away?”
“Partly. I knew I’d never be able to live the sort of life that would make me happy. From a young age I had to earn my keep, look after my siblings, muck out the barns, milk the cows, learn how to kill, pluck and dissect a chicken. I felt like I’d done my bit and I decided it was time to live my own life. Besides, I’d started to realise that marriage and kids wasn’t going to be in my future. I had no name for it, no reference at that point but I just knew I couldn’t stay.”
“Hailey, I’ve got to ask, nothing… untoward happened back then did it? You weren’t hurt in any way?” Hailey could tell just by the intonation in Jean’s voice what she had really meant by the word ‘hurt.’
“No, not in the way that you mean anyway. My father was very good at smacking our hides if we gave him lip or messed up the butchering but no, nothing that shouldn’t have happened. Although, I’m not gonna lie and say he was the kindest person, neither is my mother come to think of it.” Her parents weren’t bad people, just bad parents, or people who had never been given the right sort of skills to bring up children.
“Perhaps you ought to go anyway, lay some old ghosts to rest if nothing else? Surely you want to see your brothers and sisters?”
“I’m not sure I can face it, not right now.” Not while her heart was already breaking at the prospect of losing Jean. It had taken her so long to really understand who she was, who she could love and then Jean had come along and the final piece of the puzzle slotted into place. There were a few moments of silence and then Jean took in an audible breath, glancing towards Hailey as she spoke.
“I’ll come with you, so you don’t have to face it alone. Only if you want me to that is?” The suggestion was sincere and genuine but Hailey did a double take anyway.
“But aren’t you going back to England?” The younger woman asked in her confusion.
“I’ve not bought my ticket yet, I can delay it for another couple of weeks.” It sounded so reasonable, like their conversation in the last hour or so hadn’t taken place. Hailey felt like she was getting very mixed signals here and a low level frustration was beginning to build up inside of her.
“Why would you even want to do this?” Hailey had thought Jean wanted to get away from her as soon as she possibly could by the way she’d been speaking earlier.
“I was telling you the truth when I said I reciprocated your feelings.” Jean wasn’t quite ready to say the words yet. “Just because I’ve decided to go back home doesn’t mean that I’ve suddenly stopped caring about you. Perhaps you need to do this in order for you to move on? Draw a line under your past and look to the future?”
“I drew a line under that part of my life a long time ago.” And really, what future did she have now that Jean was leaving her? Couldn’t the older Scottish woman understand that?
“Then why are you so conflicted about going back to visit?” It was true, it would have been a straightforward and decisive no had Hailey not been in any doubt. The younger woman deflated, the tension inside of her diffused for a short while as Jean had proved she really had paid attention to her.
“You really do get me don't you?” Although it was a moot point, considering Jean was eventually going to leave her. “Are you really sure you want to come? It’s an awfully long drive and don’t forget that it’s a working farm, it’s not going to be all that comfortable.”
“I’m sure that we can make do for a few days. Is that a yes then?” Jean was almost grinning and Hailey couldn’t help but return her smile as she nodded in agreement. How could such a bittersweet conversation end on something wonderful?
“I’d better run you home and I need to go back to Iris’s place and apologise.” Hailey said after a few moments and made a move to get off the rock. Jean held her back briefly.
“You’ve nothing to apologise for, she understood why you needed to get away from the party. In fact, everyone asked me to tell you that they’re thinking of you. It goes without saying that we’ll all support you in any way you need.”
“Thanks, but I still feel guilty for leaving Cady on her birthday. I’ve known her since the day she was born and am the closest thing to an Aunt she has here.” Iris’s brother was killed during the war before he married or had any children.
“I can guarantee that she won’t hold it against you, she adores you!” Hailey let out a little chuckle. “But you’re right, it’s getting late.” Hailey jumped off her side of the rock. She held out her hand to Jean and helped her to gently push herself off it.
There was a moment where she had reached out to catch Jean around the waist, just to help her balance but then seemed to have thought better of it. Jean hadn’t missed the aborted gesture and lifted Hailey’s chin with her fingers so she could meet her despondent gaze. “Do you know what I’m thinking?” Hailey shook her head. “I’m thinking that I’d quite like to kiss you too, if that’s not too much?” Jean followed up Hailey’s earlier request with her own, part of her wondering what on earth she was playing at while the other didn’t want to let this moment get away from her. For Hailey, of course it was too much but she was going to hold onto Jean with everything she had before she slipped out of her grasp forever.
Hailey gave Jean a watery smile and nodded her assent. They each leaned closer, Jean’s hands moved to cup Hailey’s cheeks and bring her face forward while Hailey’s arms slipped around her waist like she’d originally intended to do. Their lips met briefly, testing the water a split second before instinct took over. Jean’s fingers curled in Hailey’s hair and cradled the back of her head while Hailey squeezed Jean tighter, melding their bodies together so that each curve was nestled tightly against the other woman’s. They continued to kiss until the need to breathe became urgent. Neither woman was prepared to let the other one go so they stood exactly where they were, catching their breaths. Jean dropped a kiss to Hailey’s forehead before leaning her own against the spot she’d just kissed.
“Wow…” Hailey breathed out, completely floored by how the kiss had made her feel. She took a few seconds to take it all in and concentrate on breathing evenly. But as it dawned on her that it was never going to happen again, her heart fell and smashed into a thousand pieces at her feet. She stepped out of Jean’s embrace and took a couple of steps backwards to put some distance between them. Jean could see the heartbroken expression on Hailey’s face and she instantly regretted giving into her own desires. She had been selfish in wanting to kiss Hailey, forgetting just how much it would hurt them both afterwards. “I’m just gonna… I’ll see you at the car.” Hailey walked off ahead of Jean. She knew that it was a little churlish of her to leave her behind knowing that she wouldn’t be able to keep pace over the sand and stones of the beach but Hailey desperately needed a few moments alone to compose herself. Admittedly Jean could do with the time out too and was grateful for the very slow and measured walk back towards the car.
Jean hadn’t kissed many women in her life and it had been so long since the last time, she’d very nearly forgotten what it could feel like. Kissing Hailey had woken her entire being in a way she couldn’t have expected. Whilst there was her obvious physical reaction to the experience, something else had reached deep into her soul at the same time. Not that Jean really believed in a soul as such, but it was the best way of thinking about something that went way beyond emotion and lust. How she wished she could be so much braver than she felt right now.
Hailey already had the jade green sedan running when Jean caught up, a bright smile on her face and seemingly back to her normal self. But Jean could see the tracks of her tears down her cheeks and felt terrible for being the one to put them there. The drive back to her flat was filled with false joviality and idle chit chat, almost as though their entire conversation back on the beach hadn’t happened. Hailey pulled up outside the flat Jean shared with Millie and turned off the engine.
“Did you want to come in, have a cup of tea?” Jean offered not really wanting to let the younger woman go just yet. She felt they had more to say to each other, to explain properly why she had decided to leave.
“Thanks but I want to drop in on Iris before it gets too late.” Hailey looked at Jean properly for the first time since they’d left the beach. “Did you still want to take that trip back to the farm with me? I mean, after… after what happened back there, I’d understand if you didn’t.” The normally confident young woman sounded so hesitant and unsure and it added to Jean’s guilt.
“Of course I do, I wouldn’t have offered otherwise.”
“Good. Okay then. I’ll call my mom, let her know we’re coming. It’ll probably take us a couple of days to get there so we’ll have to stop off at motels along the way. I can look some up on the route and book ahead if you like?”
“That sounds like a plan. I’m happy to share the driving.” Hailey had let Jean borrow her car quite a lot since she’d been in San Francisco and although it had taken a while she was now quite comfortable driving it.
“We’ll see, it might be too much for your leg though.” Jean very nearly protested but she stopped herself when she realised that Hailey was probably right.
“When did you want to leave?”
“Day after tomorrow? I’ll need to have a word with my boss after I’ve spoken to Mom. You’ll probably need some farm-suitable clothing like rubber boots and several layers, probably pyjamas to sleep in as it gets colder there at night than it does here. Oh, and you might want to think about some pants, denim would be best.”
“I’ll see what I can find. Right, well... Goodnight Hailey and however you feel, I am sorry about your father.” Jean reached out and gripped Hailey’s forearm before she opened the car door and stepped out. Hailey watched her inside before she started the car and drove off.