Chapter Text
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Chapter One (Aphelios)
Something About Him - Brockhampton
“Well, I guess that means it’s just us.” Sett frowned, looking at the message from Ezreal explaining that he had gotten a call from his old label, meaning that he, too, would be unable to make it. “Still wanna watch the movie? I don’t mind if you just wanna head back… I’m gonna chew those guys out though, flakin’ last minute. This is supposed to be band bondin’ time…”
They’d known Yone had an appointment out of town, and K’Sante had managed to catch a cold for the first time in years. Why Kayn couldn’t make it was less clear, but it was likely intended as a statement on his feelings about the current state of Heartsteel. Aphelios could feel the awkwardness coming off Sett in waves, fretting and making a show of being too-focused on his phone, his long bushy tail swishing with agitation. The discomfort was mutual. Especially when Aphelios realized this would be the first time he and the band co-leader had spent a significant length of time alone together.
And that wasn’t something Aphelios had especially hoped to remedy any time soon. He hadn’t forgotten what he’d overheard Sett saying about him the week before, and it appeared like Sett remembered perfectly fine, too. But perhaps that was precisely why Aphelios felt compelled to prove him wrong now.
He beckoned the beast-man to lean down, pulling his mask away from his face so his quiet voice could be heard above the din of the movie theatre lobby.
“Let’s stay and watch,” he said, inadvertently watching the way Sett’s fluffy red ear swivelled to better pick up his soft, accented voice.
If anything, at least he could no longer be accused of not making an effort. Of ‘acting like he was better than the rest of them.’ And, he’d be able to tell his sister there was incontrovertible proof he had left his room. There were witnesses.
“Alright then,” Sett gave a toothy grin, looking genuinely pleased, which was… surprising. He seemed relieved, and the friendliness was not an act as far as Aphelios could discern. “I got a confession to make, though. I’m kinda chickenshit when it comes to creepy movies.”
Aphelios waited for Sett to lean in again, raising on his own toes, catching a whiff of Sett’s potent cologne. It smelled like musk, spice, leather; expensive. “Aren’t you the one who suggested ‘The Haunting of the Du Couteau Family’?”
Another grin, a little bashful. “I didn’t say I don’t like scary movies, I just can’t handle ‘em. You gotta promise me that if I do anything embarrassin’, you ain’t gonna breathe a word of it to the others, ‘kay? I’ll know it was you.”
Sett was teasing him. Interesting, and… a little endearing. It reminded Aphelios a lot of the man who had DM’d him a few months ago; bright, confident, open, inspiring. Aphelios pushed his voice to be heard one last time, teasing Sett back with ample, cheeky sarcasm heard even in his rasp. “I won’t tell. You can even hold my hand if you get scared.”
🎶
Aphelios had been joking, but more than once Sett had clutched his arm suddenly, and when he’d grabbed his thigh right as the main character was being stabbed, it had startled Aphelios into nervous giggles. He’d looked over, thinking Sett would be miffed to be laughed at, but the huge man had started laughing at himself, apologizing under his breath for nearly clawing Aphelios’ leg off.
“Almost pissed myself when that stupid fuckin’ haunted cabinet slammed open,” Sett was saying as they left the theatre, uncaring about putting up any front of macho bravery, and any whiff of awkwardness long discarded. “And when that guy got possessed and started barfin’ his guts out, I think I’ll have nightmares ‘bout that for weeks. You didn’t seem scared at all though, you’re a total pro at this!”
Considering whether to be honest with the Vastayan, who was enjoying himself and being thoroughly scared, and factoring in that they finally seemed to be relaxing around each other, Aphelios decided against being candid about how he had thought the movie had been stupid and corny.
i dont scare easily, he offered via text, each member of Heartsteel was used to that quirk at least, no one having learned sign language yet. but it was pretty entertaining. That much at least, especially with Sett’s reactions, was true.
He listened as Sett recapped his favourite parts of the movie, sometimes animatedly re-enacting moments as they walked down the sidewalk, headed to the subway as a matter of course, on their way to return to the shared Heartsteel house.
Aphelios wouldn’t say he knew Sett any better now, but he certainly felt a little more comfortable with him. It hadn’t been a bad night, not at all, and Aphelios wasn’t especially upset that the others couldn’t make it. It had given the two of them a chance to smooth some of the tension brewing between them, which had been so unexpected given how things had initially started with so much promise.
“Actually,” Sett paused at the subway stairs, looking like he was working up some courage. “I’m kinda hungry. You wanna get somethin’ to eat? There’s a nice dessert place a couple blocks this way, they got great parfaits. Pretty quiet too, so you won’t have to strain your voice.”
Aphelios was about to answer when Sett cut him off to hastily add, “I don’t mind it though, when you gotta use your phone. That ain’t what I meant.”
While all of the new members of Heartsteel had been fairly accommodating of Aphelios’ disability, though more often than not he just said nothing. Sometimes Yone tried to prompt him to provide his thoughts, but Aphelios felt scant desire to contribute. And that was if he wanted to leave his room to be around the others at all.
It wasn’t that he had no opinions, it was just that by the time it took him to type out something or how often his quiet, strained voice was spoken over, whatever he had to say hardly felt worth it.
So it was nice, that Sett was clearly sensitive to his limitations, and was going out of his way to try and make Aphelios comfortable. He appreciated that much, even as he wondered if it was just Sett still felt bad over what had happened. Maybe, as co-leader, the Vastayan felt extra pressure to make things right, but that wasn’t necessarily Aphelios’ problem, either. Even so, Heartsteel wasn’t something Aphelios had joined on a whim, and, seeing the proffered opportunity to work things out, he accepted with a nod.
The cafe was, as promised, a nice little venue with soft music and close seating, and most importantly, the menu boasted two entire pages of different types of parfaits. In all honesty, it didn’t seem like a place that a health nut like Sett would even know about.
do u know all the macros for each parfait? Aphelios messaged Sett, watching as he read and smiled.
“I just get this one, here,” he pointed to one of the last options on Aphelios’ menu. From the description it seemed to be a low-calorie, glorified fruit cup. “Came here with Ez and Yone once though, Ez said the strawberry shortcake one was awesome, packed away the whole thing and nearly ordered a second.”
Scanning the menu again, Aphelios read the strawberry shortcake description, deciding it sounded exactly like something Ezreal would love, but a little too rich especially after movie theatre popcorn.
can u pls order me the earl grey and biscuit one, Aphelios messaged again, having decided.
“Sure thing.” Looking pleased with his task, Sett scanned the cafe, trying to catch a server’s attention, but cringing violently when a waitress noticed.
“Ah fuck, this is fuckin’ awkward,” Sett muttered under his breath, barely caught by Aphelios’ hearing. The young man studied the waitress as she came over, bewildered by Sett’s bizarre reaction to someone who seemed to be perfectly normal, if awfully sexy to be working in a parfait shop. He observed Sett’s reactions intently, puzzling him out, making judgements.
“Haha, heyyy Sarah… just my luck. Or should I say, just my fortune?” Sett’s attempt at breezy casualness was about as buoyant as a lead balloon. The use of her name in the absence of a nametag clarified a lot instantly, this had to be someone from Sett’s past that he hadn’t necessarily wanted to ever see again. Aphelios’ morbid curiosity was definitely piqued, even though he’d already come to several likely conclusions.
“Very funny. Still waiting on that call back, Settrigh,” she smiled down at him, her expression bearing no warmth. “It’s been, what… ten months now? A year? You sure take your time returning a girl’s phone calls.”
Chagrined and clearly ashamed, Sett looked like he was actively trying not to cower in embarrassment. With her red hair, blue eyes, and ample bosom, Sarah looked very much like a female Sett, and Aphelios felt some of his respect for the Vastayan dim. He didn’t care if two adults fooled around, but it seemed pretty pathetically narcissistic to be your own taste in women. Aphelios rolled his eyes, and tried to tune out the rest of the conversation, to little avail.
“Hey listen, I’m sorry,” the beast-man apologized. “You know shit hit the fan last year, I didn’t mean to leave ya hangin’...”
“Yeah, I heard you punched someone and got kicked off your old label.”
Sett made a face and looked very much like he was considering just getting up and leaving, but admirably he controlled himself and answered Sarah in an even, calm voice.
“I really am sorry. If ya want me to leave, I will. I’m sorry I ghosted ya, that was a dick move. But I’d really appreciate it if we just leave it be, sounds like you know the details already, and I own it that I don’t got any better of a reason. But I ain’t gonna get into it more than that.”
Sarah chewed on the proposition, staring down at her unwelcome customer, before looking like she was noticing Aphelios for the first time, softening a little when she saw him.
“It’s whatever. Bygones and all. You don’t have to leave, just make sure you leave a really good tip, alright?”
Sett chuckled, genuinely. “That’s a fair deal, I can live with that.”
Aphelios waited as Sett placed their orders, Sarah evidently content to actually leave whatever had happened in the past. Before she sashayed off to the kitchen, she turned to Aphelios, teasing him.
“Make sure you watch this one,” she advised him with a wink. “He’s a lot more charming than you think he’ll be.”
Aphelios gave her the barest flick of his eyebrows by way of response, saying nothing. Whoever she was, she didn’t know the half of it. Maybe extending their evening had been a mistake after all, but they couldn’t reasonably leave now, with their orders already placed.
Oblivious, Sett let out a massive sigh, combing his thick fingers through his wavy crimson hair.
“That’s fuckin’ brutal luck, ugh…” then, realizing that he should probably enlighten his companion, elaborated with no small amount of sheepishness. “Here we are tryin’ to get to know each other a little better ‘n I gotta run into some ol’ hook up who hates me… can’t really blame her though.”
The beast-man looked to Aphelios for a reaction, but received an inscrutable, blank expression as a response. Aphelios could neither relate, nor did he especially want to get into the gory details. What did he care if they ran into some ex-flame from Sett’s past? Sett squirmed under Aphelios’ impassive red gaze, seeming to read judgement there. That, or he just really needed to unburden his guilty conscience, because he confessed his purported sins with surprising candour, misreading Aphelios’ silence completely.
“I used to lean into the rockstar thing a little hard, if ya catch my drift,” and receiving no reaction, continued, “I ain’t sayin’ I’m proud of myself or anythin’. I ain’t, actually. But it was hard to say no when you got a lotta fans who are awfully friendly, not just with that but with free booze, party invites, ya know. Only thing I really took seriously back then was makin’ sure my mom was taken care of, but I had to go ‘n blow it…
“Say,” Sett said, looking Aphelios square in the face. “You ain’t ever really asked me ‘bout that stuff, but ya can. I mean I know you know about the restraining order that paparazzo took out, but if you ever wondered about anything else... I guess I feel like I don’t know a whole lot about ya, ‘n I ain’t proud of that either. So the offer is on the table that if you ever wanna know somethin’ about me, all ya gotta do is ask.”
It didn’t feel like a great response, but Aphelios nodded, unsure of what else Sett wanted him to say. He turned his attention to picking at a chip in the formica table with a painted black nail, he’d never been one who felt the need to unnecessarily fill a silence.
“I mean, you probably know what it’s like, right?” Sett obviously was. “We all got skeletons in our closet, ‘n your music videos went viral, your DM's musta been bonkers. You ever hook up with a fan?”
Was this Sett’s attempt to get to know him better? Was this what men talked about when hanging out alone? It was almost laughable, how eloquently Sett’s question, so innocently asked, spoke volumes about how little he truly knew about his new bandmate. But for all the difficulties they’d been having, Aphelios was still fairly confident Sett was not a complete shithead, and so he didn’t bother getting offended or exasperated.
Aphelios shook his head.
“Never? Not even once? That’s hard to believe.”
The statement carried no accusation, if anything, Sett sounded genuinely confused. Aphelios signed the gesture for why? , one of the few words that the whole household knew in the sign language Alune was teaching them in a futile effort to help them connect with her brother.
“Well, ‘cause you’re beautiful,” was all Sett said, as if it was the most natural declaration to make, a self-evident fact obvious to everyone. “That good lookin’ ‘n that talented, people are naturally gonna flock.”
Sarah’s return was mercifully timed, distracting Sett from what Aphelios was sure was beet red blush. He could feel it burning his face, the tips of his ears. Maybe what she’d said earlier, about Sett being more charming than you gave him credit for, had been a lot wiser than Aphelios had thought.
“I didn’t spit in it,” she said with a grin, somehow successfully coming across as alluring as she said it. A pretty girl who had a sense of humour; the appeal was evident. She and Sett shared a laugh; it was almost impressive how quickly things had been smoothed over.
Aphelios fixated on his parfait, avoiding eye contact, still boiling hot. He didn’t know why it was so flustering to hear that, especially so bluntly. He cared a great deal about his appearance but it wasn’t due to any abundance of vanity. The makeup he wore and the clothes he chose were purely for himself, steps in a journey he’d been struggling with since childhood. A purely internal, personal control thing.
But, he had to admit… he was surprised how nice it felt to be complimented so genuinely. Even more so by Sett, a known heartthrob himself… not even Aphelios was blind to that fact.
“You don’t have to answer if it puts you on the spot,” Sett had dropped his voice discreetly, so as not to be overheard by the other patrons. A little mouthful of sliced parfait fruit was tucked in his cheek as he spoke, giving him a rather cute look. “I don’t wanna assume anything either but, you’re, you know. Into men, right?”
This was nearly a bridge too far. Aphelios would never have agreed to dessert had he known his love life was going to be the choice topic of discussion. Shit like this was why he’d stayed in his room for weeks. But… he reminded himself that it was pretty unsurprising for people to ask about stuff like that when they lived together. Kayn and Ezreal certainly talked about their various conquests often enough. It was probably natural for Sett to be curious, even if it was crude.
After a moment’s deliberation, he intentionally softened the unimpressed flatness in his gaze and gave a singular nod. It wasn’t like he had anything to hide.
“I mean, me too,” Sett blabbered on, grinning that Aphelios seemed willing to open up at least this much. Was he really that oblivious, or just nervous? “Used to think I was just into ladies ‘cause like, that’s all you could be into where I grew up, with the crowd I ran with. Not a whole lotta… diversity when you grow up in a small town, ‘n the way a lotta people talk about it, you just kinda assume you’re the same. I did, at least. Never had a serious boyfriend, but I had a girlfriend in college who was bi. Samira ‘n I were better off as friends, but she’s the one who helped me realize that was the name for what I was feelin’ too, that it didn’t matter whether someone was–”
Abruptly, Sett cut himself off, apologizing profusely. “Goddamn, I’m talkin’ your ear off about bullshit, sorry about that, Phel. Total TMI. I warned ya I was an open book, but I should at least give you a chance to decide which pages ya wanna read, right?”
A good natured chuckle, Sett polishing off the last few bites of fruit. “I’ve taken over the conversation, ‘n maybe I shouldn’t be startin’ off with stuff like this. Sorry. Truth be told, I feel a little nervous around ya, but I’m glad those neanderthals cancelled on band night cause I’ve been havin’ a good time hangin’ out with you, just like this. I just hope you ain’t thinkin’ about quittin’ Heartsteel after hearin’ me yap non-stop for a whole night.”
What was a good reply to that? Aphelios wondered. Of course he wasn’t going to leave Heartsteel over Sett talking too much… but he’d just been crying with Alune the last weekend about how this all felt like a mistake. Should he be honest about that?
He lifted his eyes to Sett’s, and watched as the other became serious, though there was no less kindness in his face.
“Listen, Aphelios.” There was no fooling around, the boisterous nervous energy was abruptly gone. “I owe you an apology ‘n it’s been sittin’ wrong with me since I said that shit last week.”
This was not something Aphelios had expected, he’d assumed Sett was like most people, and would happily sweep things like what had happened under the rug, instead of addressing it head on like that. That took courage.
“Obviously I was heated ‘n I never meant for you to hear it, but that doesn’t make it right that I said it at all. I don’t think you think you’re better than us. If anything, the one I should be pissed at is myself. ‘Cause this is real hard for you, right? You’re the only one who hasn’t done this before. I’m sorry I didn’t realize until Yone pointed it out, but this has all gotta be new for ya.”
Unable to keep the eye contact, Aphelios flushed again and looked at the tabletop. He knew Sett hadn’t been intentionally cruel, but maybe that made it worse. He’d finally gotten up the nerve to socialize only to make it as far as the top of the stairs before Aphelios had overheard himself being dragged… for being ‘antisocial,’ ‘unreadable,’ ‘rude,’ and ‘acting like he had a superiority complex.’ Kayn and Ezreal had even chimed in about how he was too quiet, that they found it ‘off-putting.’ It had only stopped when Yone had noticed Aphelios standing there. And no one, except for Sett now, had apologized.
It was only through Alune’s intervention that Aphelios hadn't packed his bags and left that night. His aunt Diana’s basement hadn’t been amazing, but it was better than feeling so heavily judged on a project he was already struggling with, not having the use of his voice.
“I’m real sorry,” Sett pressed. He was sincere, even sounding as emotional as Aphelios felt. “Only a fuckin’ asshole invites someone to work on somethin’ ‘n then doesn’t check in on what they need, if they’re adjustin’ well, what they’re worried about. And you’re a quiet guy, obviously. Don’t worry, I ain’t readin’ ya, I just mean, the rest of us don’t really shut the fuck up. We’re all used to bein’ the main characters in a band or as soloists, ‘n it’s only been like a month ‘n a bit or somethin’? I think we’re all still in that ego mode, swingin’ our dicks around makin’ sure we’re carvin’ out our own space.
“I don’t think it’s anything with bad intentions, ‘n I fully include myself in that dick swingin’ remark. But I got the vibe that it’s hard for you when it’s real noisy, or when the guys are goin’ a mile a minute, that you ain’t the type to wanna compete for attention. I think we could all learn a little from you, ‘n I’m sorry we haven’t done great at makin’ room for ya.”
As embarrassing as it was to be talked about like this, Aphelios realized that not only was everything Sett was saying ringing true, it also meant the other man had put significant thought and effort into trying to be better, to notice what made Aphelios so uncomfortable. To his incredible surprise, Aphelios felt seen, and understood.
“Thank you,” he said finally, Sett sagging with relief after talking so much with no answer. “That means a lot. And, I’m sorry too. I know I’m not an easy person to get along with, and I don’t make it any easier by staying in my room all the time. It’s just been… hard.”
“Can I ask why?” Sett was gentle, caring. “I don’t wanna push. But I do wanna do better, ‘n I may need your help to know how.”
Reflexively, Aphelios placed his hand lightly on his throat, the gesture making him realize his vocal cords were already bothering him. He’d been too focused on the conversation to register the feeling. With resignation, he picked up his phone, messaging instead. The small blessing was that he found it much easier to express himself when he could write it out.
sorry my throat is hurting
its not like u guys are awful. its just when its really loud and chaotic
and trying to get to know everyone at the same time is overwhelming
u guys seem to have inside jokes already or know stuff i just dont get
Sett saw Aphelios was still typing, and waited patiently for him to finish his thought.
part of why im in my room is ive been trying to write music
i want to have something awesome for us to work on but theres something missing in all of it
i dont know if i know everyone well enough to make a good song that fits all of us?
i did think it was a good idea when ksante suggested band hangouts, i want to make this work and i want to do a good job
its just slow going for me
Aphelios set down his phone, feeling a little shy and using the pretext of finishing his parfait to disperse some of the intensity. One disadvantage of texting someone in real time was that they saw everything as it happened, there was no deleting messages when he felt like he’d overshared.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Sett apologized. “I had no idea. Honestly, I wanted you to like us real bad, I wanted you to really like me ‘n not regret that you listened to some guy telling you to join his band. I think I just got in my own way. I took it personally when you seemed like you were avoidin’ us, but I’m an ass… not everything’s gotta be all about me. Sorry again. And thanks for even givin’ me another chance.”
Aphelios’ impression that Sett was a ultimately decent person solidified as he listened. And, it was a promising indication on its own that this was probably the most he’d talked about himself with someone other than family. He knew he acted like an outsider, and Aphelios wished he could provide even more context…
He wished he could explain that this was probably the first time he’d ever had people who could come close to being called his ‘friends’, that he hadn’t lived with anyone other than his parents or his aunt and his sister, and that in itself made it hard to know how to behave. But he wasn’t ready to share that much about himself yet, and he could only hope Sett would be patient.
But, it was nice.
It was nice that he felt this comfortable talking with the Vastayan, that he could reveal even this much.
i do like u , he typed before overthinking it. It was the truth, and he felt bad that his shyness and hesitancy had been read as disdain. He was in the middle of typing more when he was interrupted by a notification in the chat.
hey dont pin that!! Aphelios typed, unable to keep the smile off his own face as he did, looking up at Sett who was beaming at him widely. He unpinned the message, only for it to be pinned again instantly after.
pin it again and ill delete it he grinned, satisfied when the message remained unpinned and Sett put down his phone, raising his hands in surrender.
“You’re somethin’ else, Aphelios.” There was warm appreciation in Sett’s rumbly voice, even affection. “You’re really somethin’ else. I’m glad tonight happened the way it did.”
He didn’t know what that meant exactly, other than it was positive, but the use of his full name gave Aphelios an idea for a further peace offering.
“I don’t mind if you call me Phel,” he offered, pushing himself so he could say it aloud.
“Really?” Sett lit up, his ears perked. “I’d love that.” And, seeing Aphelios’ friendly nod, continued, “Y’know, maybe tonight was meant to work out this way, ‘n I’m glad it did. I had a great time at the movie with ya… would you wanna do this again, Phel?”
Aphelios hadn’t expected that. Evidently Sett liked to move fast. u mean like a hang out? he texted back.
Sett nodded eagerly. “Just you ‘n me, so I can make sure I’m keepin’ my word ‘n doin’ a better job of makin’ you feel welcome. I mean, it doesn't have to be me you talk to, if you feel better talkin’ to Yone that’s fine too, but I just mean… I wanna make sure you have an outlet, to talk about how you’re feelin’, or anything that’s stressin’ you out. But I don’t want it to be just business either. Tonight was a lotta fun. I really enjoyed it.”
This was another thing Aphelios liked and even admired about Sett, that he was so confident with things like this, inviting him out so casually and with such friendliness; unselfconscious about paying him compliments. He had to give him credit, Sett was making it pretty easy to want to get closer… already Aphelios felt a little less isolated in the Heartsteel house.
i had fun too
and i feel a lot better
thank u
“Real glad to hear that, Phel.” Sett kept using that nickname like it was his new favourite word. “How ‘bout somethin’ the same time next week? We could watch another movie if ya want, or somethin’ else if ya feel like it.”
As they got up to leave, Aphelios couldn’t help but notice that Sett was true to his word, leaving an extremely generous tip. No doubt Sarah’s total forgiveness would be secured.
next week is fine, he found himself typing back, even as he was astonished Sett wanted to do it again so soon. i wanted to see that new detective thriller if thats ok with u?
“Is it gonna be scary?” Sett smiled widely, poking fun at himself.
maybe, Aphelios smiled back. if it is u can hold my hand again 😝
🎶
Aphelios had felt a new, tentative bond forming, but he had not anticipated how thoroughly he and Sett would repair things, or perhaps how enthusiastically the beast-man intended to help the reserved musician integrate into the group. Far from waiting for their next hangout in amiable silence, Sett hadn’t stopped DMing Aphelios that night, and before he really realized it, Aphelios became used to speaking with the Vastayan throughout the day, looking forward to the frequent notifications. Things like:
this rabbit looks like u lolll www.twooter.com/goblinmodebuns/photo1
that song u just played on bass slapped phel 🤘
i had a nightmare about the fuckn ghost in that movie. I TOLD U I WOULD 😭
u like earl grey flavour right? i saw this cool tea powder in the health food store n bought u some
someones gotta tell kayn that he fuckn SUCKS on support. is it gonna be u or me LOL
omg another bunny that looks like u, hes even playin a carrot like a lil guitar www.twooter.com/cutestbunnies/photo3
Aphelios made sure to answer each overture, which often led to lengthy, meandering conversations about random topics. The kinds of chats friends had.
Three days in and Aphelios felt comfortable reaching out first, always gratified that Sett’s responses were quick and full of excitement. And, little by little, Aphelios felt more relaxed spending time out of his room, or leaving the door open when he wasn’t composing. Ezreal had already come in for an impromptu jam session which the others had heard and joined, Phel’s bedroom getting delightfully crowded, but resonating with surprising harmony once each of them had gotten into the swing of things.
Things were no less boisterous in the house, but he noticed that the effort he made was rewarded with warmth from the other men; Aphelios wondered if Sett had said anything to them, but ultimately decided he didn’t mind if that was the case. And now, when someone interrupted Aphelios (who was trying to contribute to conversations a little more), Sett would bark at them to shut the fuck up… Aphelios had ended up having to DM him and tell him he didn’t need to worry about it so much or be that harsh about it, though he appreciated the back up. That conversation had ended up evolving into a lengthy discussion that had kept them up late into the night, Aphelios under his covers, blankets illuminated with the glow of his phone screen as he waited for each of Sett’s replies. They’d both been exhausted the next day, but Aphelios had been able to explain the full situation about his vocal nodes to someone other than his sister or his aunt, for the first time. He had woken up with a light heart.
Before he knew it, the week had passed, and as he put extra care into getting dressed to go to the movies, effervescent giddiness made his stomach flip more than a few times.
🎶
“That one was way better than the horror movie last week,” Sett proclaimed as they left the theatre, Aphelios’ thigh aching from where the beast-man had gripped it during a high-stakes chase scene between the lone detective and the serial killer.
we’re going to have to get u a stress ball if we keep seeing scary movies, Aphelios messaged. Somehow it was always easier to be a little cheekier, a little more relaxed through text. i keep leaving the theatre with bruises.
Sett spluttered, going red and apologizing profusely until Aphelios explained he’d just been teasing him again.
“I’m gettin’ used to that twisted sense of humour ya got,” Sett grinned, clapping Aphelios on the shoulder. “Woulda never known you had it in ya, actin’ all innocent and quiet ‘n lookin’ all put together. But I think you’re secretly a little gremlin.”
Warmth spread from Aphelios’ chest, a fluttery, lovely feeling. Alune often said the same thing, and he had certainly pranked her enough to earn the indictment. But he realized that, with their growing closeness over the past week, Sett was beginning to see more of his personality, and most significantly, was actually noticing it.
Aphelios typed, a smile visible on his mouth as this was one of the rare times he hadn’t opted for a mask despite being out in public. He’d liked the way his makeup and dark purple lipstick had looked too much to cover it up.
i dont know what u could mean. im an angel 😇
The laugh that got from Sett was gratifying, and Aphelios smiled wider as they looked at each other.
“I forgot to say somethin’ earlier, but your outfit is real cool, Phel. I like that skirt. Are they comfier than pants?”
“Skirts?” Aphelios confirmed, Sett nodding eagerly. The black, ankle length, pleated skirt was one of Aphelios’ favourite pieces of clothing.
i usually just wear leggings underneath them actually, he explained. i dont really like the feeling of my skin rubbing together. so it’s more that I like how they look
lol sorry maybe thats weird
Sett was unphased. “Nah, I hate doin’ cardio in the wrong shorts, I totally get it. One time my thighs chafed so fuckin’ bad cause I was tryna beat K’Sante’s record on the treadmill and my shorts rode up but I couldn’t stop or else I’d lose… still lost anyway, so it wasn’t even worth it. Had to put baby powder on my crotch for a week after. Cardio fuckin’ sucks too.”
Then, seeing Aphelios’ eyebrow raised, laughed, “see, my story was way weirder than wearin’ leggings. I don’t think you have to worry ‘bout bein’ the awkward one who should be puttin’ his foot in his mouth…”
Again they had begun walking to the subway station by default, but the spring night was pleasantly cool and the air was fresh even in the city, and neither of them seemed quite ready to stop enjoying it.
“Wanna get some food again? Maybe we can walk for a bit, if ya want,” Sett suggested with no shyness. Aphelios envied that. “I definitely don’t wanna go back to that parfait place ever again, even though I think Sarah finally forgave me at the end there.”
Aphelios nodded and gave an appropriate, if wan smile. Remembering the woman Sett had had a fling with precipitated an unpleasant prickling sensation, subtle and unexpected enough Aphelios couldn’t label it right away, missing what Sett said next as he tried to pinpoint it… no more at ease when he did. It had been a little needle of jealousy.
Why on earth was he feeling jealous? And under these circumstances, such a stupid reaction was borderline distressing. For a split second, Aphelios wanted to just go back home, so he could pull apart the feeling; find the seed of it and rip out all of its roots, especially since its presence was so unaccountable.
“You don’t like bubble tea?” Sett checked again, taking Aphelios’ distracted silence as a rejection of his suggestion.
“No, I like it a lot,” Aphelios rushed to clarify, forcing himself to clear his head and re-engage. “Bubble tea sounds good.”
It wasn’t long before the walk and the crisp air dispelled Aphelios’ fretting, not that Sett’s babbling left much room for ruminating. Far from finding the prattle annoying, Aphelios often found himself appreciating the chatterbox Vastayan; it took the pressure off him to carry the conversation, Sett perfectly content to voice what seemed to be his stream of consciousness. But neither did Aphelios ever feel like he was just a warm body for the beast-man to talk at. With Sett, he always felt like there was room for his replies, and his body language and expressions were observed closely by the other.
Bubble tea macros, fashion, guitar maintenance, Halloween costumes, the city’s nearby mountain range, fast cars, mystery novels, reading in general… they covered it all as they walked, continuing to meander long after they’d found a tea shop and procured drinks. It felt like the only reason they returned home when they did was merely because the subway would close soon.
When was the last time Aphelios had enjoyed just shooting the shit like this? Going out and taking in the city instead of staying in his room just feverishly making music or writing or playing solo RTS games… Aphelios now enjoyed Sett’s company so much that he often wondered how they had ever misunderstood each other so badly, initially. It seemed to come so naturally now.
🎶
“I thought I was good at accessorizin’ but you got a real eye for colour, Phel.”
Standing in front of the huge mirror Sett had hung in his room, the Vastayan was turning this way and that, admiring his reflection, suited up and primped for a meeting with some label execs, his tail brushed and conditioned. Aphelios had walked past his open door, and seeing Sett struggling to pick a pocket square had offered to help.
“Yeah, I like this one, really picks up the colour of my eyes. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with uppin’ the charm factor a little, even though I think we’re just discussin’ more potential brand shit today…”
Sett continued psyching himself up, meticulously lint rolling his own fur off his outfit and selecting a cologne as Aphelios listened and watched.
As Sett fussed, realization dawned on Aphelios. Just a sudden understanding, as if things had come into focus properly for the first time. Sett was handsome. Extremely handsome.
He wasn’t blind, he’d registered Sett’s attractiveness since seeing the display picture that had accompanied the Vastayan’s first email to him. But this…
He was used to seeing Sett’s attractiveness; the strength of his features and his body, his teal eyes so often shining with boyish enthusiasm. His expressive, fluffy ears, his sharp fangs, his cool tail. But now, looking at Sett in his suit, preening and prepping… Aphelios felt Sett’s attractiveness, it gave rise to a reaction in him that wasn’t distantly cerebral.
Aphelios thought Sett was hot.
That was new.
🎶
Things began getting easier.
The entirety of Heartsteel finally managed to be in the same place at the same time long enough to do a proper group activity, a trip to the zoo that had gone surprisingly well. Ezreal had almost cried on Aphelios from delight when they got to see the penguins doing belly slides into the water. Yone and K’Sante stayed with him for the entirety of the birds of prey show while the other three went to get snacks and drinks. And even Kayn had been the only one willing to go into the bat cave with Aphelios, and it had been funny hearing him tease the others for the rest of the afternoon over their chiropteran cowardice.
And Sett… Sett had given him a little blue bunny toy with a pouting face he’d found in the gift shop, laughing and saying the ‘resemblance was uncanny,’ laughing even harder when Aphelios had asked sceptically if the zoo even had a rabbit exhibit. But he had accepted the bunny toy gratefully, running his long fingers through its soft fur the whole car ride home.
Even with Ezreal and Kayn doing… whatever weird little bickering routine they were starting to develop, (which, thankfully, was mostly possible to just tune out), the day had felt like the first time a bunch of friends were hanging out. Just enjoying each other’s company, instead of squaring up or posturing or sussing out some kind of professional rival.
When he texted Alune later that night, cuddling the soft bunny toy under his chin as he talked with her, Aphelios smiled as he received her frenetic replies, saying she was so happy and proud of him for coming out of his shell a bit. They got into a bit of a fight when she confessed she’d been giving the boys tips on how to better connect with him, which made Aphelios feel like a zoo animal himself. Alune had just asked him where the lie was, and he’d been forced to concede… he was indeed a man of a specific habitat who could be lured out with sweets and gentle sounds.
If that was accurate, then Sett had become the best out of all of them at getting this reserved, nocturnal creature to breach the confines of his cave. In some unspoken way, they’d fallen into a routine of weekly hangouts, just the two of them, often seeing movies and getting a snack after, but not always. Sometimes they would take the car and just drive around, listening to music and talking. Aphelios hadn’t truly realized how intentional these nights were until, at different points, Kayn and Ezreal had tried to invite themselves along. When Kayn had presumptuously climbed into the car with them one night without asking, Aphelios had thought it was funny and deserved when Sett had told him to fuck off. But when, the week after, Ezreal had asked nicely to see the movie they were watching and been told by Sett that it was just for the two of them, Phel had understood that this was meant to be his time alone with the Vastayan.
Even though that had made his heart pound, Aphelios had persuaded himself that such friend dates weren’t especially significant, the beast-man seemed to be making a point of spending one on one time with each member of Heartsteel, and naturally that would include Aphelios. It was likely just part of a specific, successful effort to meld such strong personalities together. In many ways Sett began to feel like the glue of the group, while K’Sante’s leadership felt akin to the way a talented captain sailed a ship.
And it wasn’t especially significant when Sett always insisted on being on Aphelios’ team when they played video games. It had become evident that Aphelios was generally the best player in the group, sometimes purely by virtue of the fact that Sett, Ezreal, and Kayn would often play like shit when tilted. And the title of “best player” was hardly special when half the time Kayn and Ezreal were on a team together they spent more time trying to sabotage each other than the enemy. But… it still gave Aphelios the sensation of a few, giddy bubbles popping in his chest when Sett would loudly proclaim the superiority and harmony of Team Cat-Ear Headphones.
And it wasn’t significant when Sett kept bringing him gifts; first it had been the blue bunny, who soon accumulated friends. It was always small things, like a cool hair clip, an interesting snack, or some kind of skincare gimmick. Often, Sett would bring home Korean products he found, asking Aphelios to read out the descriptions and teach him some basic words.
Sure… there were always lots of explanations for why Aphelios should not find these things significant. And Aphelios gave himself plenty of reasons for the nervous excitement that was becoming a constant companion. He was happier in general anyway; Alune was often over at the house, musical inspiration was beginning to flow easier… he even had several composition drafts he thought worth keeping and working on instead of letting them join their siblings in the trash.
But what was significant, what Aphelios could not explain away or rationalize, was the day he first imagined kissing Sett.
It was a normal day, too. Actually, a really boring one. A random chore day in at the beginning of summer, a necessary tedium that, overall, Aphelios was thankful Yone had made mandatory. It was a lot easier to want to spend time in common spaces in the house when they weren’t filthy, and so Aphelios didn’t complain and would just listen to music through his headphones as he vacuumed.
He’d left the discography of one of his favourite groups on shuffle, and a song he’d never paid particular attention to before now felt totally aligned with his mood. He would have hummed along if his vocal chords had let him.
Somethin' about him
His car ain't nice and flashy
There's somethin' about him
Yeah, his attitude is like magic
Unbidden, Aphelios found fond memories of his numerous hangouts with Sett start to spontaneously paint themselves in his mind’s eye. He could hear his voice and his distinct, boisterous way of talking, so unique and something Aphelios had come to enjoy quite a bit. He could picture Sett’s ears, selling him out with their unintentional eloquence, or echoing their owner’s passionate feelings. It was still a few days until their next standing appointment every Thursday night, and Aphelios found himself picturing another horror movie, where Sett–so unshy and so easily physical–would grab his arm or his hand without a second thought…
I really like how you do all the things you could do
I really like all the things that you really could say
Or maybe another car drive… Aphelios wondered if Sett would ever be willing to make a little bit of a longer trip to his favourite place: a mountaintop with a lookout view of the ocean and perfect for watching the moonrise. When Aphelios needed to be truly alone or when the wellspring of his creative inspiration ran dry, he would often drive out there, and all would feel a little more right with the world. It was a special place he’d never shown anyone else before.
Maybe they could bring a speaker or Aphelios would share an earbud with Sett… they’d be listening to music under the stars, and a love song much like this one would play…
Aphelios only realized he’d been daydreaming about Sett pulling him into his arms and kissing him under the night sky when his cheeks began burning like it had really happened.
Oh fuck, he’d thought. Oh fuck.
🎶
He knew they were beginning to talk about him again. At least this time it felt threaded through with genuine concern; each of the boys had gotten closer with him in their own ways, and knew that while Aphelios was intense and sensitive, he had no ego of superiority, not like they had thought. And so when they noticed he was spending more and more time in his room again, each of them knew enough that the retreat was probably something to worry about.
Aphelios himself had no idea if it was something to worry about. He tried not to think about it. He’d just thrown himself even harder into trying to make music. K’Sante had tried to reassure him they were still building their brand, they didn’t need perfect demos yet. Yone had told him that taking breaks often yielded better end results. Sett had started inviting him out to all kinds of things, the pretexts getting so slim that he’d even invited Aphelios along to his gym workouts with K’Sante, which they’d both known was such a longshot it was comical.
They’d also had a band meeting where it was suggested Alune be hired as their official manager, which had been really exciting for Aphelios until he’d noticed that everyone was on board with the idea a little too quickly, especially Alune herself, even though he knew how busy she was finishing her MBA. He’d realized he was probably the last to know, that the idea had been floated around and discussed without him. While Alune was qualified and was already mapping out a comprehensive roadplan, it didn’t take long for her twin to understand that she’d probably been brought into Heartsteel to keep an eye on her brother. A glorified babysitter.
He didn’t resent anyone for caring, certainly not his sister. But neither did any of them seem to understand that none of it made any difference; until Aphelios wrote something he thought was worthwhile, the walls of his personal hell would only close in more tightly.
And so when there was a little knock at his door, he naturally assumed it was his sister, coming to remind him to eat something or drink some water or get some sunlight for the first time in two days. He was surprised when the person that let themselves in was Ezreal, too surprised to be annoyed at being interrupted.
“Yo, Phelio! How’s it hangin’ my dude?” Somehow, Ezreal’s cheerfulness managed to power through any awkwardness, and Aphelios happened to like the ‘popstar prince’ quite a bit. But they hadn’t especially spent much time alone together, and this was probably the first time Ez had checked on him like this.
“Did Alune get tired of reminding me I have to eat something?” Aphelios gave a small smile, leaning back in his chair, internally rolling his eyes at how Ezreal sat on his bed without even asking, totally at home. “She’s sending messengers now?”
“Huh? Nah,” Ezreal picked up the blue bunny toy and began playing with its ears. Aphelios’ stomach twisted minutely. “I’m just bored as shit and got really curious about what you’re working on. You let Yone listen to it sometimes, right? Can I?”
Aphelios paused. His instinct to tell Ezreal to leave him alone and let him concentrate flared violently, especially when he felt a rush of shame at feeling like he had nothing worth sharing. But he tamped it down, seeing it as an opportunity. Not only did he enjoy Ezreal’s musical sense, the young man had talent and perspective that made the allegations of being a manufactured popstar laughable. And Aphelios could also see the olive branch for what it was, Ezreal was giving him an opportunity to get closer and if Heartsteel was to be his future like he wanted it to be… it was important to connect beyond video games and trips to the zoo. He forced himself to be accommodating even though no small part of him would have rather slammed his fingers in a drawer repeatedly than try to fight his foul mood.
“...Sure,” he said, pushing away from his desk and finally inviting Ezreal to come closer. If Aphelios hadn’t expected himself to react that way, Ez looked like he’d just seen hell freeze over. It was almost funny. But he recovered quickly, leaping from the unmade bed to hover beside his bandmate, looking over the sheet music covered in scribbles and at the music program with an open composition labelled “draft 74”.
Waiting as Ezreal hummed the melody off the sheet music, Aphelios went through a tumult of regret and elated pride; flip-flopping between borderline humiliation that someone was seeing such an unfinished mess, and having moments of hearing the sudden potential of the song, Ezreal ad libbing and adding his own flourishes.
“Wait, this is great stuff, man! This part here–” he sang the bridge again, not even needing lyrics “–that’s awesome, really catchy I think. Can I hear your arrangement?”
In for a penny in for a pound, Aphelios saw no point in refusing now. He queued up what he’d done in BasementBand, trying not to cringe as it played through the tracks he’d overlaid; the beat, the bass, the guitar, the vocals. There was something missing, he could hear its absence, but he’d been working on it so long he could hardly stand to hear it long enough to puzzle it out.
Ezreal shared no such compunctions, bobbing along and making little impromptu choreography that Aphelios was powerless to keep from smiling at. Somehow, seeing his friend’s reaction injected fresh lifeblood into the song, and Aphelios found himself hating it only half as much.
“Yeah! Love that vocal line, and the harmony in the chorus. Had no idea you were trying to write a love song though, that’s a bold move. But I can totally see a loverboy Heartsteel concept, we wow ‘em with our romance–”
“Love song?” Aphelios interrupted, “it isn’t a love song.”
Ezreal was unphased, apparently unable to sense the fissure of bewilderment opening up in Aphelios’ guts, bordering on panic. “No? But the melody is so romantic, and the way you’ve got that gravely guitar bit harmonizing with a softer vocal track, almost supporting it, it’s like a lover’s duet. Where did you get your inspo?”
“Nowhere,” Aphelios insisted. “It’s not a love song. Heartsteel shouldn’t debut with a love song. It should be something… ugh…”
Aphelios couldn't even articulate how he wanted their first song to capture something intrinsic about each member, not be some bland lover boy concept indistinguishable from the hundreds of other boybands out there. If he couldn’t find the words, would he be able to find the music? He nearly hid his head in his hands.
“You sound like you’re taking this reeeal seriously,” Ezreal pointed out, still casual enough to soften the blow. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t be, but I mean none of us are super serious guys. If anything, it’s kind of the opposite. We’ve all messed up, gotten kicked out or dropped by our labels, or gone on hiatus. We’re not really polished perfection, you know? So maybe the music can reflect that too. Right?”
The words Ezreal was saying should have been making sense, but Aphelios felt so overwhelmed that he had a hard time parsing them. He violently fought the impulse to hit “delete” on the composition right then and there.
“I guess so,” was all he could muster for the time being as he sat there, staring at his cluttered desk, feeling his mind was even more clogged.
“That reminds me,” Ezreal said suddenly, twiddling a pen he’d picked up off of Aphelios’ desk, also without asking. “A new exhibit just opened at the metropolitan museum, and none of those other losers will go. But you’re into that stuff, right? Wanna go with me?”
Aphelios grappled with the sudden change in topic, not seeing how anything they’d been talking about could have reminded Ezreal of museums… unless… maybe the other was just finding a gentle way to suggest Aphelios take a break?
He cast a glance upward at his friend, and the charming grin he saw on his face was confirmation enough. Ezreal was too nice to say that he thought Aphelios would go insane if he stayed in his room, working on the same song for hours.
And that was fair, half of Aphelios was waiting for Ez to leave so he could rip up the sheet music and delete all 74 drafts permanently out of existence. But hearing Ezreal sing it… it hadn’t even been bad? Maybe just something for the record, and not as a debut single…
“Sure,” Aphelios’ mouth spoke before his brain truly gave it permission to make such a decision. For the second time that afternoon, Ezreal seemed flabbergasted by Aphelios actually saying yes. That made two of them. His boyish smile got even wider, enough to show his bucked teeth. Sometimes, with no small amount of affection, Aphelios though that Ezreal reminded him of a hamster.
“Poggers! Wanna go right now? Let’s just go now!” Ezreal was already at the door to Aphelios’ bedroom, it felt up to him to keep up with the little green ball of energy.
“Hang on… wait, alright…” Aphelios agreed, rising and realizing he hadn’t even washed his face or combed his hair yet. Deep inside, he felt warm gratitude that he now had friends who would drag him out of a funk like this. “But only if you never say ‘poggers’ again unironically.”
“So harsh,” Ezreal complained, grinning before he bounded to his own room to get ready. “‘Uwu’ is still fine though, right?”
🎶
He should have felt better. Or at least, he should have been able to fall asleep much easier after an enjoyable afternoon at the museum with Ezreal. They’d had an excellent time, Ezreal carrying the conversation in much the same way Sett did, making Aphelios feel at ease. In fact, the ex-archaeology student complimented him several times for being such an exceptionally receptive, attentive audience. Aphelios had just explained he didn’t find it burdensome at all, that the information Ezreal was sharing was genuinely interesting. Ezreal had replied that some people in the house would do well to learn from Aphelios…
There had been no shortage of complaints about Kayn. Enough that even Aphelios found himself wondering what was going on there, those two behaving like magnets that couldn’t figure out how to match their poles. Several times, Aphelios even considering bringing up his own torment of whatever was or was not going on between him and Sett, hoping that perhaps Ezreal could provide some advice, or at least be able to commiserate about their confusing housemates. But ultimately, the mere idea of speaking any of it aloud was unbearable.
Chatterboxes had it easy. Sett and Ezreal just said whatever was at the top of their mind, they didn’t get tangled up in their own overwrought navel-gazing and fretting. It must be pretty freeing, to live like that.
But as soon as Aphelios was alone in his room again, he felt himself turning inward; going over every interaction that day, wondering if he’d given Ezreal any reason to suspect something, reminding himself over and over that he’d deliberately avoided any mention of the Vastayan… wondering then if the avoidance itself had been conspicuous.
He’d tossed and turned in bed for hours, endlessly dissecting his feelings for Sett, hoping to pull apart every last fibre of them until there was nothing but convenient, neutral, platonic affection there. Wanting to kiss the handsome guy who was nice to you and funny and generous and patient was natural, wasn’t it? It didn’t have to mean more…
Except Aphelios almost never thought of kissing people, other people didn’t make his heart squeeze like this. He’d had a crush on a boy at school once, back in South Korea, but he’d done nothing about that and felt no need to. It had naturally ended when he’d left abruptly to live with his aunt Diana in the States, and he suddenly had much bigger things on his mind than a juvenile crush.
Maybe it was just a proximity thing. Or maybe it was just something pent up? When was the last time Aphelios had masturbated? While he’d never really related to it, he was reminded of how casually other men talked about jerking off, a daily need for most of them or else it would build internal pressure like steam in old, rattling pipes with no open valve. Thinking it might help him get something out of his system, he’d started touching himself. Only for thoughts of Sett to come unbidden to his mind, making everything worse… leaving him not only stressed and sleepless but uncomfortably half-hard.
Somehow, amidst the hours of misery he’d finally fallen asleep. A fitful dreamless void. It was only a few hours later that he was woken up by his sister who’d come in at 2:00p.m., saying even that was a little late for her nightowl brother.
“Mrrpf,” his grunt serving as his request to be left alone. The worst part was he knew Alune understood, even incoherent monosyllables, but she stubbornly refused.
“No ‘mrrpf’. You doing okay, Phel?” She lay down with him, cuddling behind him overtop the blankets. “Did something happen again?”
He didn’t know how to answer, but something in his heart leapt instantly at the chance to unburden himself to his twin. Out of everyone in the entire world, he knew he could trust her with anything, and she would give him guidance without it becoming a Big Deal. Probably. But more than that, he just wanted to curl up under his blankets until it all somehow went away.
“You’ve been staying in your room for days,” she continued in his silence. “I thought things were better, that you were getting along better with them… didn’t you have fun with Ezreal at the museum yesterday?”
After a pause, Aphelios nodded.
Part of what made this so hard was that it felt like there was hardly a problem to begin with. He knew he’d ensnared himself hopelessly in his own inner world where he was his own worst critic, but he was so lost in the trees that seeing the full forest felt beyond his capability. Why could he not just get over dumb shit like this? Why did he have to make everything a crisis?
“Then… was it something else? Are you… are you having nightmares again?”
The question alone made Aphelios feel unaccountably like crying. He knew what she meant. She’d been the only witness to the nightmares that had plagued his teenage years, sporadically popping up like a strangling vine sending a new shoot up from underground, always ready to pull Aphelios down and remind him where he’d come from.
He shook his head again. “It’s not that. I haven’t had any since moving in here.”
Alune made a soft noise, like she was surprised but glad. “Then what is it?”
It would be so easy, just to tell her ‘nothing,’ to tease her and gripe at her for ruining his beauty sleep and get her off his case. But the words wouldn’t come, at least not those ones… something else was perched at the back of his throat begging to be aired outside of the stagnant emotional sinkhole it had been living in for the past couple weeks.
“It’s Sett,” Aphelios said finally, whispering his secret. He felt the hitch in Alune’s body language, how her thumb stroking his arm started, like a needle jumping the ridges of a vinyl record. Clearly, that hadn’t been what she’d expected.
“He did something? Did he say something to you again?” Alune was probably trying to keep it out of her voice, but there was a note of big sister anger that Aphelios found simultaneously heartwarming and nerve-wracking. “I thought you guys were getting along really well! Although–”
“No, he hasn’t done anything.” Aphelios halted the runaway train of his sister’s protectiveness before it could gather too much momentum. “It’s me. I think… I have feelings for him.”
There were many ideal reactions Alune could have given in that moment, but instead, she burst out laughing. She desperately tried to clip the sound when her indignant brother whipped around and levelled a scorching red glare at her, and failed.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I just… I wasn’t expecting that. That’s why you’ve been shut in your room? Seriously?!”
Forget I said anything! Aphelios signed at her, knowing it was as futile as trying to escape his giggling sister by hiding under the covers until she gave up and left like he wanted her to.
“No, no… Phel, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh! Part of it is that I’m just happy for you! It’s cute!”
Happy?! Aphelios found a way to do the impossible, deepening the glare even further somehow. His sister hardly noticed. Do you know how difficult that makes everything? How inappropriate it is?
“Inappropriate?” Alune valiantly tried to keep from laughing more, failing again. “Oh, get over yourself. It’s not that serious! This is the first time you’ve had friends like this, and Sett has made the biggest effort to make sure you feel comfortable. And he’s really hot. Does my little alien brother not realize how normal it is to get a crush like this?”
You’re missing the point, Aphelios retorted, his signing animated with irritation. First of all I said I THINK I have feelings. And it IS a big deal, because they aren’t my friends. Well, they are, but we are colleagues first and foremost. This is my job. It’s not professional.
“You are so silly sometimes!” Alune was clearly not getting it, and Aphelios didn’t know who he was more frustrated with, her, or himself. “You think this is forbidden? Do you know how many people in bands fall in love? Lots of couples make music together. It’s not like he’s your boss or something!”
They get feelings for each other and then it gets messy and it ruins the band, Aphelios signed pointedly, the gestures jabbing, as if this was the most basic of all knowledge.
“Oh my god…. poor Sett, ahahaha!” Alune was grinning and giggling still, clearly uncomprehending why this was an earth-shattering dilemma. “He was moping so miserably the other day, his ears were all flat! You know how they wilt. He was so sad, he asked me, like, two hundred times if you’d said anything, if he’d done something to make you avoid him, and then… yesterday when you went out with Ezreal, he looked even more dejected, he kept wondering out loud if he’d invited you to the museum if you would have still cancelled last Thursday. Did you not notice? Oh my god…”
An unpleasant, full body prickling heat ran through Aphelios from head to toe. He hated how his heart leapt at the mention of the Vastayan, how he instantly wanted to press Alune for more details.
“Look at your face! Ahahahaha!” Alune wasn’t even bothering to hold back now. She had never been able to properly tease her brother over having a crush, and he was so casual when she talked about her boyfriends or girlfriends that it was hardly fun. She was certainly making up for lost time now.
Can you listen to what I’m saying for three seconds? It was times like these where Aphelios wished he could shout. This isn’t funny for me. I can’t concentrate on the music properly. I’ve written trash. I’m too distracted. I feel like I act like a weirdo every time I’m around him, I can’t concentrate. And now he thinks I’m avoiding him. This is exactly what I mean, this kind of thing creates tension and ruins projects. I don’t want to be what ruins Heartsteel…
Finally, seeing how her brother was not just being a bashful ingénue ripe for sibling teasing, but seemed to be genuinely distressed, Alune calmed down.
“What about Yone and K’Sante?” she asked, serious. It felt like a non-sequitur, frustrating Aphelios even further.
What about them? They’d care too if I made things too tense for Heartsteel to work together.
“No, no… that’s not what I mean. You really haven’t noticed? Oh, Phel…”
Aphelios wanted to tear his hair out. Why did it feel like he alone lived in a world of riddles and secret games he didn’t know the rules to? Notice what?
“They very clearly have feelings for each other,” Alune explained haltingly, as if she couldn’t quite believe her brother was that oblivious. “They’re probably already dating, or will be soon. And they don’t act like it’s a big deal either, because it isn’t!”
Stunned, Aphelios processed this information. If anything, it was confronting proof about how myopic he could be, concerned so consumingly with his inner world that he wouldn’t notice something like this.
“Don’t feel bad, Phel. I think it’s mostly been pretty recently, and it’s not like they said anything themselves. You were probably in your room. But they’re holding hands, going on ‘dates,’ things like that. And no one bats an eyelash, because it’s not a big deal, see? You’re overthinking all of this.”
It was funny Alune should say that, that it wasn’t a big deal in the negative sense, because as soon as he’d gotten over his initial surprise, Aphelios had just thought ‘good for them, that makes sense.’ Somehow though, when applied to himself it just felt… so different.
They’re different , he told her firmly. They’re like… they’re adults. If they’re dating, they’ll probably just get married. Neither of them are the type to have fights that would break up the band. Isn’t K’Sante still good friends with Tope? It’s different.
Alune began laughing again. “‘They’re adults’? Ahaha! You’re twenty-five, Phel! And Sett is twenty-seven!”
“ You know what I mean!” Aphelios said, grabbing Alune’s hands and shaking her to get her to stop. “And keep your voice down!”
“Nobody in the house can understand Korean anyway, you doofus! Okay, okay… I’m sorry… this side of you is just so…”
Aphelios fired a potent hairy eyeball at his sister, and she wisely did not finish her sentence. Equally wisely, she also dropped her voice to just above a whisper.
“It’s different for you because he would be your first boyfriend, right?”
There was no mocking in her tone anymore, Alune was being tender, understanding. Finally.
I don’t even know if I want to date him. I have no idea if he wants to date me. But yes, if we did, I have a much higher chance of screwing it up. I haven’t figured things out yet, not like that. I never wanted to, either… but…”
“Now it feels too scary to even try?” Alune patted his hand once he’d finished signing. “I’m sorry, Phel. I didn’t get it before, but I get it now. If it were in another scenario, it wouldn’t feel so high risk, right? But you feel like you have no room to make any mistakes, because it might take down Heartsteel with it. I would be scared too. I’m sorry.”
I can’t seem to just… ignore it. I wish I could. And I feel so guilty… I haven’t written anything worthwhile. And if I just start spending my time fooling around, having fun with Sett instead? It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel good. But now Sett feels bad. It’s like… what’s that saying? ‘Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.’ It’s that.
Finally, the predicament was sinking in, and he could see in Alune’s face that she was also seeing that it wasn’t as simple and sweet as some nervous feelings, a cute crush. Aphelios wasn’t stellar at platonic friendships, as amply evidenced by how bumpy his initial time with Heartsteel had been, and the fact that this was the first time he’d wanted to date someone and the option was likely on the table, he was confronted with the reality that he had no idea how he’d react as someone’s boyfriend. Far from filling him with gooey optimism, it made him feel selfish and anxious.
“How serious is it? Maybe you could just… get used to it? Until everything feels more stable…” Even Alune cringed at such lacklustre advice.
I don’t even know if it is serious, I don’t know what’s normal to feel, whether this is how other people feel all the time.
“Well, how often do you think about him?” Alune asked.
Too much, Aphelios answered honestly, thankful Alune didn’t laugh in his face again. I always wonder what he’s doing, I wait for his messages. It makes me feel stupid. I can’t concentrate.
“And what do you think about doing with him? What makes it different from a friendship for you? Because sometimes I get really excited about new friends like that. And it really does seem like you guys get along well.”
Aphelios thought about it, thankful that he could finally get some of this off his chest and have it be heard by another sentient person. But he was not so thankful that he was able to trust unconditionally.
I’ll only tell you if you swear you won’t tease me.
“I promise,” Alune said, holding out her pinky for Aphelios to link with his.
Fine… when we go to the movies together, he grabs me a lot, my arm or my leg or even my hand. I like it when he does that, and I don’t want him to let go. I think about how handsome he is, I get jealous of his exes. I want…
Aphelios cut himself off, too mortified to continue.
“You think about kissing him? You think about holding his hand?” Alune’s voice became dangerously sing-song, right on the precipice of the teasing she had just pinky sworn not to do.
If you make this any more embarrassing than it already is, I’ll throw you out of my room and think of revenge so brutal that you’ll regret ever laughing, he threatened her, and she knew he meant it.
With remarkable restraint, she did not point out how pink his cheeks were, the blush so strong it was colouring his ears.
“Well, I hate to break it to you, but there’s no ‘think’ about this, baby brother. You have caught bonafide, terminal lovesickness… you definitely have feelings for him–”
Don’t call it terminal like I’m going to die from it, he interrupted her. That’s not helping.
She laughed and chittered over him, acting like she wanted to pinch his cheeks, he was too cute. He felt miserable.
What do I do? he asked, trying to get her back on track. Just try to wait it out, right?
Alune paused, thinking for a moment. “I mean, you could. But you will need to do a better job compensating, because I think you are genuinely beginning to hurt Sett’s feelings, avoiding him. Sorry, but that’s the truth.”
Aphelios just sat there, wishing his mattress could become a giant clamshell that would swallow him up, taking him to another world where he didn’t have to worry about this, or feel like such an idiot over it.
“Have you thought of telling him?” Then, seeing the panic on her brother’s face, “you can tell someone you have feelings for them without asking to take it anywhere. You could explain what you explained to me, I think he would understand.”
That’s a terrible idea, Aphelios told her flat out. That will just make things even weirder for him. It would be so awkward to confess and then ask him to keep things normal. I’ll just be making him uncomfortable, and he would probably want to cancel Thursdays, so I don’t get the wrong idea. Why does this have to be so complicated?
“You don’t think he feels the same?” Alune asked.
Aphelios rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling he’d hand painted constellations onto. In the middle of the afternoon like this they looked little better than pale green smears, but at night they would glow for hours.
“I have no idea,” he said finally.
“It doesn’t make you feel excited to think he could like you back?” Alune checked, having already long ago arrived at some conclusions of her own.
“No,” Aphelios stated flatly. “Because then the temptation is even worse. If we both admitted we wanted to be closer, to see where it goes… it just becomes dating at that point, right?”
Then adding in sign, then I’m just back at where I started, scared that our relationship will ruin Heartsteel. And I know Sett hasn’t had a serious boyfriend either. We both would have no idea what we were doing. It’s a recipe for disaster. And it would be awful to ruin it if we make it big, but it feels just as pathetic to ruin it for everyone before we even really get the chance to start.
Alune hmm ed, thinking, and turning over so she could look at her brother’s ceiling too.
“I know it may not feel like it right now,” she spoke tentatively, trying to make sure her brother was actually receptive to it, since it felt so out of line with how his brain usually worked. “But some things are worth taking risks over. Who’s to say you two couldn’t work out, the way you think Yone and K’Sante will work out? What if Heartsteel just feels even more like the family you’ve been looking for? If that was a possibility, don’t you think it’s worth taking the chance for? Especially if Sett wants it just as badly?”
Aphelios resisted the notion, almost consciously making an effort to prevent such romantic optimism from nestling in his heart where it might take root and sprout into false flowers of hope.
“Think about it, Phel,” Alune pressed, sensing her brother’s defenses raising and gently resisting them. “In either case, stop avoiding Sett, stop avoiding everyone. You’re not going to write good music while you’re this frustrated, anyway. If you keep hiding away, you’re just sabotaging what you’re trying so hard to protect.”
A heavy, sad sigh left Aphelios’ lips. He turned again, this time towards the wall, facing away from his sister.
He knew she was right, and it just made him hurt even worse to realize he had so much power to wreck something that had proven to be one of the greatest sources of happiness for him, ever.
Somewhere, deep inside himself, he could feel a much younger self, put to sleep for his own protection, numbed so as not to be shattered. That young self stirred, making Aphelios’ heart ache. He was already living dreams that he’d scarcely been able to envision as a child. He couldn’t let himself ruin this, even if just for the child he used to be, how much that kid had yearned for days like these.
“...I’ll tell them you aren’t feeling well.” Alune kissed the top of his head, right on his cowlick, tucking him in better as she left. At least her ability to tell when Aphelios truly needed to be alone was still perfect. “But think about it, Phel. I know we haven’t had a lot of it, but happiness sometimes has to be grasped for… you have to choose it, and hold on to it.
“And I don’t know anyone who deserves it more than you, brother.”
🎶