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There was a sinking feeling of guilt as he stood in the centre of his room, well, it wasn’t entirely his room, the mist had created a space for him as well as the other assortment of killers to rest in while they weren’t busy, but it seemed familiar to him and yet totally alien at the same time. Ye-Jun glanced around at his surroundings, the walls were plastered of posters and photos of Dae-Jung, as well as a small mixture of photos including himself as well as Byung-ho and Han-gyeol.
He stared at some for a long period of time, focusing on the blue haired boys face before stepping closer, it felt strange. He didn’t remember taking any of these photos at all and yet he felt familiar with them. He attempted to shrug it off and just assumed it was just the mist playing tricks on him, then again he had been having problems with his memory ever since he was brought here.
He looked at other photos of him and Dae-Jung along with the other members of STAR*STRUCK, though mainly focusing on his love. Some of the photos included younger versions of them in high-school, as well as some photos of their first performance, photos from their shows, most of these just seemed like bittersweet memories to Ye-Jun, as his eyes traced over each image carefully, though he couldn’t help but notice the guilt he felt earlier on.
Looking over at the images he felt almost lost in them, he was having a hard time remembering any of these instances and what the relevance was for each one.
Why couldn’t he remember?
He stood there in silence for a moment, trying to recollect any memory of these moments, to give these photos, these lost memories meaning.
But he couldn’t.
He snapped out of his trance for a moment and soon looked away and over to the door of his room. He almost didn’t want to look anymore.
This was starting to give him a headache now and he contemplated taking the posters and photos down and soon acted on his thoughts, walking back over and raising his hand to tear one of the posters down and yet he stopped.
His hand stayed still, raised up, his fingers barely tracing over the glossy paper, he stared at it with wide eyes, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He loved Dae far too much to take down photos of him, even if it made even him a little uncomfortable to look at and ponder upon.
He slowly lowered his hand before his eyes rested on another photo that he had missed. It was the four of them, back when Dae had his hair dyed red. Right at the beginning of starting their big dream of becoming idols, or well, Dae’s big dream that Ye-Jun just decided to go along with to make him happy.
Ye-Jun stared with a stoic expression yet with wide eyes, he held it tightly in his hands as soon as he got ahold of it, holding it close and taking in each detail. He suddenly felt extremely attached to this photo and yet he felt that same guilt creep back into his chest.
He looked at his former friends and crush, his expression soon shifted into a softened frown, glancing at their faces on the slightly faded photo, seeing how happy they were, how excited they were to be doing this together.
It felt so, bittersweet.
He hated it.
Why did he ruin something that was so perfect?
His eyes soon focused onto Han-gyeol, but more specifically, Byung-ho, the now ex-leader of STAR*STRUCK. The guilt rose from his chest and into his throat as he continued to stare.
To think he let Dae see any of it.
He ruined everything they ever had.
Ye-Jun tossed the photo far away from him and soon stumbled back and sat on the side of his bed. His breathing quickened only slightly as he glanced over at it from a fair distance as to where he struggled to make-out the picture. But he could feel the eyes of Byung-ho on him and that only made him sink further into his guilt.
He gritted his teeth and tried to push the rising feelings in his chest back down, he didn’t want to do this right now, nor ever. He wasn’t supposed to feel guilty, he never did in the moment, he knew he enjoyed every second of it, watching his body flinch with each hit of his hammer, seeing the blood pour from his body, hearing him scream.
But then Dae-Jung walked in, he saw everything, the blood, the corpse, the hammer, him.
Especially him.
Ye-Jun ruined everything and he knew it.
Dae loved him and he ruined it over an argument, over a person that wasn’t worth his time arguing with.
That day, Ye-Jun let his love see what he truly was, an obsessive monster. But Ye-Jun couldn’t see it that way, he was just doing what he felt was right in the moment, what was necessary. Byung threatened to expose him, to tell Dae about him, so he was just protecting himself, right?
He had to do it.
He had to get rid of everyone.
It wasn’t his fault.
Nobody deserved to be close to his beloved Dae-Jung apart from him. Nobody compares to Dae-Jung, nobody has the kindness he has, the talent he has. Nobody deserved him apart from himself.
The Idol’s breathing quickened as he hitched his breath, trying to reason with his thoughts now, pulling at his hair slightly as he vigorously ran his hands through it.
If he hadn’t done what he did would things be different? Would Dae have ever confessed to him? Or would he fall in love with someone else? One of the other members? A fan, perhaps? Or someone completely irrelevant?
He gritted his teeth at the thought of loosing him to someone else, it stung and yet in a way he had already lost him and there was nobody to blame but himself.
He stopped for a moment, the room fell silent as he held his breath, lowering his hands from his hair as he begun to realise.
There was nobody to blame but himself.
Ye-Jun soon yelled out in a mixture of anger, frustration and sadness and grabbed his hammer off the side of his bedside table and threw it across the room, smashing the mirror on the opposite side, he watched the glass smash and break onto the floor before he got up and tore down each poster with an unnecessary amount of force.
He panted and breathed heavily as he continued to trash his room, he continued tearing posters and photos off the wall, and crumpling some up into a ball and tossing them on the floor, pushing over the now broken mirror and shoving his dressing table onto the floor, all his makeup now being sprawled out over his room.
He gritted his teeth as he stood there staring at the ground panting heavily as tears welled up in his eyes as he snapped out of it and looked around at the mess he had made, quickly seeing the torn posters on the floor and the broken remainders still stuck to his wall his eyes widened as he scrambled onto his knees to try and pick up the pieces to fix each and every poster.
He was desperate.
He tried moving pieces back together, trying to make out Dae-Jungs face, his own face, anything, anything at all, but it was no use.
He ruined it.
He ruined another thing just because of his temper.
He stayed kneeling on the ground for the majority of the evening trying to piece each individual poster and image back together, despite him knowing it’d be fruitless. Ignoring the external mess within his room, Ye-Jun became so tunnel visioned once again, so focused on this one thing he almost hadn’t blinked for the past minute, his head twitched slightly as his green eyes stared at the broken scattered images in front of him. He didn’t care, he had to fix this, he needed to. He had to fix it. Even though he couldn’t.
And deep down he knew that.