Chapter Text
Adam opened his heavy eyelids, groaning. He shifted to lift his head so he was no longer being smoothed by the dirt before he was quickly stopped, pain shooting through his body. Fuck, that really fucking hurt! Adam sucked in a breath before quickly flipping over to his back. Bad idea. If he thought the previous bout of pain was bad, this made it seem like a simple pinch. What the fuck was wrong with him? He was an angel! He shouldn’t have to deal with pain - he shouldn’t even be able to get hurt! It was probably Lucifer and his fucking bitch of a daughter. Just the thought of that white circus bastard made his blood boil.
With anger taking its proper place at the forefront of his priorities, he was able to sit up and take in his surroundings. First of all, the pain was everywhere but the main point of it came from his stomach, which had the most dried gold blood stained on it. In fact, gold blood covered basically all of him and the ground he sat on. What the fuck had happened?
Adam closed his eyes, pressing a clawed hand to his face in concentration.
Wait…
Clawed-
WHAT??
Adam’s eyes shot open to stare at his own, yet unfamiliar, hands. They now ended in sharp claws that adorned each finger. Adam’s horror grew as this was not the only change as he realized his robes were no longer, instead he had a cropped punk black jacket with gold spikes on the shoulders and a red long sleeved shirt that ended in tatters. What the fuck! The cool ass “A” he had on his robes was now replaced with an “A” but instead of a line it's an X. Not fucking cool!
He also had dark pants that bent in weird ways. Were his legs fucking broken? They didn’t hurt anymore than the rest of him then why the fuck-
“What the fuck???” Adam shouted as he tried to kick away from his own legs, which unfortunately followed him considering they were doing the kicking. His legs were now shaped just like the hooved animals he had named. He now had fucking hooves. HOOVES. The first man does NOT have hooves!
This had to be some sick prank Sera was pulling on him for mentioning the exterminations. Women never understand that men make mistakes too! Except for Adam, he never makes mistakes. But still! Not fucking cool!
Adam looked up at the red ass sky, reminding him of why he was actually here: The extermination. A smile crept onto his face as he turned his head, peering around at the vast amounts of rubble around him. He did this, a sense of pride swelling in his chest. That’s right, the powerful Adam beat those filthy demons into the ground!
His smile faltered as the sense of loneliness settled. Hold up, where the fuck are his girls? They never left him behind, he fucking trained them better than that! It made his chest hurt, a faintly familiar pain gripped his heart. He shook his head, he wasn’t a chick, he didn’t get sad n’ shit. He was Adam, he was fine. He was pulled out of his thoughts by laughter that came from behind him.
Adam sharply turned his torso to face whatever bitch was sneaking up on him, internally wincing as his abdomen twisted painfully. His very manly — and definitely not underlined with fear — action caused the laughter to get louder. Oh who does this bitch think he is?
Adam’s sharp teeth snapped shut, his lips curling into a snarl as his fists clenched the loose dirt as his eyes settled on the laughing cunt. In front of him was the wife-stealer himself: Lucifer. Oh the nerve of this bitch to show himself to Adam.
“Haha! Man, this is-” Lucifer cackled, interrupting himself by laughing, “-this is too good!” He wiped a stray tear that had fallen down his white ass skin as he fucking laughed at Adam. Adam’s face contorted in anger further, his feathers puffing up in a subconscious attempt to seem bigger.
“Aww, is the little lamb angry?” Lucifer cooed. Fucking cooed. At him. Like he was a fucking child .
“Shut the fuck up, asshole!” Adam growled, he could feel soft fur turn back on his head.
He blinked, raising a hand to where his ears were only to be met with the soft touch of fur far further out from his head than his ears should be. Were those fucking lamb ears? He tugged on one to make sure it was real and as the pain sprouted from the location he scowled. Fuck, they were real.
Adam slammed his fists down, letting out a loud sound of frustration, “Urgh!” Adam looked back up at the fucking bitch that was smirking down at him and pointed a finger at him, “You! You fucking did this to me!”
Lucifer chuckled, raising his hands, “Oh please, I wish I was the one who did this,” he gestured to all of Adam. “But, no, I did not.”
Adam glared at him, “Yeah, sure. Then who the fuck did?”
Lucifer shrugged, “I might rule over Hell but it still does its own things. I don’t choose how sinners look – do you know how much work that would be?” He dragged a hand down his face, “so many humans die and end up here every hour, do you think I have the time to do that?... Don’t answer that.”
The words shot through Adam like a bullet. A sinner? He wasn’t a fucking sinner. He was a winner, he was THE first man, a fucking angel, and the leader of the exterminators! This bitch had no idea what he was talking about.
“Sinner? Do I look like a fucking sinner to you?” Adam, doing his best to not show how much he hurt everywhere, started to get up. He was tired of this short stack looking down at him. He should be doing the looking down.
Lucifer laughed, a quick sharp ‘Ha!’, “Uh, yeah. You do. Look at you!” He moved a dark hand to gesture to Adam. “Lamb ears, horns, hooves, sharp teeth, claws. Oh! And not to mention your lack of a halo. All signs of a sinner.” The clown bitch looked far too happy to point out every little detail of how Adam had changed.
Adam’s jaw clenched; he hated how the runt of a man was right. He did look like all the filthy sinners he had killed. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck FUCK! This had to be a prank, there was no way he, Adam, was a fucking sinner!
“What the fuck did you do to me?” Adam winced at how weak he sounded. He sounded like a fucking chick.
“Unfortunately, I didn’t do anything,” Lucifer’s face seemed to sour as he spoke, “the little maid was the one to kill you.” He laughed, “fitting, though, that it was a mere sinner that killed you.”
Adam was now fully standing, he was so much taller than the so-called king of Hell. He knew logically that he couldn’t beat the prick and that pissed him off. He stalked closer, looming over the shorter man as he tried to look threatening. Yet, Lucifer just looked amused, which angered Adam further. Lucifer had no right to look so smug. He raised a fist before striking quickly, only to miss and stumble forward as the king so easily dodged.
Adam growled, baring his teeth, “You know what? You aren’t even fucking worth my time! You don’t deserve to be beaten by me!” He flipped him off as he began to walk away.
Lucifer laughed that stupid fucking laugh, “Oh, but Adam, I’m not done talking.”
Adam scoffed, not looking back, “Like I give a shit-” He was cut off by Lucifer appearing in front of him, smiling. Adam hated that fucking smile.
“Get the fuck out of my way, freak,” Adam rolled his eyes in annoyance. Couldn’t this bitch leave him alone? Lucifer had already done more than enough.
“Hm, no, I’m good,” Lucifer said with a shrug. “I have a deal for you.”
“A deal?” Adam laughed, “How stupid do you think I am?”
“Do you really want me to answer that?”
“You fucking-”
Lucifer raised a hand, a look of irritation passing over his features, “Shut up for a moment.”
Before Adam could retort Lucifer cleared his throat and continued, “As I was saying, I have a deal for you. You haven’t had to deal with Hell without your little army and your angelic powers, you’re gonna need help to keep yourself in one piece.”
Adam furrowed his brows, was he saying he was weak? Adam was not weak. Humanity survived because he started it. Adam had learned to thrive in a completely new environment with no help before and he’ll fucking do it again. He didn’t need the Devil’s mock pity. At least with how angry he was he could ignore the pain that still rang throughout his body.
“I don’t need your fucking handouts, I’m not some bitch that needs your charity,” Adam pointed a sharp finger to Lucifer’s chest. “I survived - no - thrived after you got me and Eve kicked out of Eden. I didn’t need help then and I sure as Hell don’t need help now.”
“Once Sera realizes I’m here she’ll come get me and-”
Lucifer bursted out in laughter, startling annoying Adam. Adam’s brows knitted further as he glared down at the Fallen Angel, “What the fuck are you laughing at?”
“HA- aha- ohoho- oh my golly. Sorry sorry,” Lucifer apologized, very much not looking sorry as he coughed, recovering from his second laughing fit, “It’s just funny you think you’ll just get picked up and sent back to Heaven.”
Adam growled and threw another punch, “Woah! Seems like someone’s angry!” Lucifer said as he moved like fluid, sliding away from Adam’s fist before it could make contact.
Adam swiftly turned to Lucifer’s new location, opting to slash with his new claws. The fucking bitch moved out of the way again, making a pfft sound.
“Stay. The. Fuck. Still!” Each word was punctuated with another swipe of his hands, desperately trying to cause any damage to Lucifer, who wore a shit-eating grin. However, Adam, being so laser focused on his target, didn’t notice a piece of rubble that laid before him and tripped on it. His wings flapped wildly behind him as he tried to keep himself from falling. He failed. As he simmered with hatred on the ground, Lucifer walked up to him, a hand cocked on his hip like the queer he was.
“You done?” He looked bored. Adam just snarled in response and Lucifer sighed. “Whatever, but trust me,” Lucifer bent down on one knee to get closer to Adam’s eye level as he laid on the ground. His eyes were sharp as he spoke, now much quieter, “you’re gonna want that deal later.”
And with one swift motion Lucifer was standing up again, dusting himself. He turned away, waving a hand above him to signal his leave, “You know where to find me!” Then he was gone.
Adam quickly pushed himself up as he grumbled things like ‘stupid bitch’ and ‘who the fuck does he think he is?’ to himself. He turned and saw what he assumed to be the new hotel, even bigger than the one he destroyed. His face soured. It wasn’t fair that the filthy demons were thriving while he was left to wander this disgusting place and try to find a way back to Heaven. He didn’t belong here, there had to be a mistake. Adam wasn’t a sinner.
Right?
Adam paused at the doubt that lingered in his mind. He looked over himself, his hooves, his new clothes, he even lifted his hands to his head to feel the new ears and horns. Not to mention the fucking lamb tail he had, embarrassing as shit. His once beautiful gold wings were now dark red, on the line of being black. He really did look like all the sinners he had murdered throughout the millena. But- but that’s just what Hell does! It doesn’t mean he actually belongs here, it was a mistake!
Yeah.
Adam walked off away from the rubble and stupid hotel. He didn’t need Lucifer’s help, he didn’t need anyone’s help. He was going to get back into Heaven and then make those demons pay.
Turns out, Hell is known for being horrible for a reason, who would have guessed? Apparently, being the first man means jackshit to these sinners. You’d think they would have some respect considering they all came from Adam but whatever. Being completely powerless was not a good look for Adam as he was used to picking fights and winning them. Adam learned this when he stomped into a bar.
He’d heard about alcohol and always wanted to try it, the closest he got was wine but he wanted the hard shit. He needed to get back to Heaven but what’s a couple of drinks? It’d be fine, plus, he still ached everywhere and he wanted to dull the pain. He sat down on a stool and looked over what they had. All of it was new to him so he just requested the hardest shit they had. As he waited – impatiently – for his drink, claws tapping rhythmically on the bar, some demons behind him started to laugh and whisper amongst themselves. Adam shrugged it off, it wasn’t about him so he didn’t care, he just wanted his fucking drink. What the fuck was taking so long?
“Is the little lamb lost?” One of them said in a tone you’d use to talk to a pet. Adam gritted his teeth, claws dipping further into the table as he turned.
“What the fuck did you just say?” Adam growled, staring at the group. It was a bunch of random animals with weird features. Nothing like the ones God had placed in Eden.
“Oh no, did I upset the little guy?” They cooed, despite being much shorter than Adam, who if standing, would have loomed over them.
Adam snarled and got up from his seat before picking up said seat and chucking it at the offending bastards. No one fucking talked to Adam like that and got away with it. The demons yelped with surprise before wielding their own weapons, which were just a tad bit sharper and more dangerous than a bar stool.
Adam woke up a few days later, the unfortunately now familiar pain of waking up after death coursing through his body. He couldn’t believe he was bested by a group of sinners but he rationalized it as him simply being outnumbered. It wasn’t a fair fight, that’s why he lost. Adam never lost a fair fight. This was just demons playing dirty.
He lifted himself up, every movement making him wince. God this hurt so fucking badly. He stumbled and his balance wasn’t great as his mind was clouded in pain. This was embarrassing, he looked and felt so weak. It felt like a mildly strong breeze could crumble him into tiny pieces and he hated it. Enough shitting around, he needed to get back to Heaven. Hell wasn’t any fun without his girls. Or Lute.
Adam pushed through pain as he walked to the Heaven Embassy, the clean shine being what he was used to. He felt in his element for the first time since waking up in this literal Hell-hole. He pushed open the doors and walked through, it was scarily quiet, the only sound now being Adam’s hooves clicking on the tiles and the door shutting behind him.
“Sera? Seraaaaaaa? Emily? Anyone there?” Adam called out, a hand cupped near his mouth to help project his voice. All that answered were the echoes of his voice calling back to him. Despite being a Heaven built building, it felt cold and eerie – not that it mattered to Adam. It didn’t bother him.
Adam made his way to one of the meeting rooms, hoping to catch someone in there. To his dismay, no one was in any of the rooms – he checked them all. He grumbled, where the fuck were they when he needed them? Of course they were there when he was doing something they didn’t particularly like him doing but not when he needed help.
He huffed and stomped out the Heaven Embassy, some help it was. Adam roamed the blood soaked streets for a while before opting to fly around. Being in the sky was safer nicer than being on the ground and allowed him to see more of the city he was temporarily stuck in. Where else could he go to get in contact with Heaven? For once he was annoyed with the fact that Hell couldn’t easily talk to Heaven. He tilted his wings and started gliding to a tree to perch on, he needed to think.
His wings flapped rapidly to slow his descent until his hooves made contact on the rough bark of a dead tree, wings tucking back to his side. Gripping onto the wood was much harder without toes but he’d make do, goats could do it so he could too. Adam crossed his arms and huffed. What the fuck was he going to do? He didn’t have his magic, he didn’t have his girls, he was completely alone. He couldn’t do anything. Adam sucked in a sharp breath as he processed his helplessness; he couldn’t reach Heaven on his own. He fucking hated needing help – he should be able to do everything on his own. He buried his face in his hands, groaning.
Fuck.
He needed Lucifer’s help.
It physically hurt to think that, making Adam wince as if he had been stabbed again. He needed the freak’s help – there was literally no other way. Lucifer got his bitch a meeting with Heaven so he obviously had contact with them. Adam broke off a tree branch and hurled it at the ground in anger; he just needed to break something.
Best to get it over with.
Adam’s dark red wings shimmered in the light of Heaven as they spread out, so close yet so far. With a powerful thrust he was back in the air and gliding on the air currents, flapping his wings every now and then. He wasn’t in a rush, in fact, he wanted to prolong this as much as possible. He mulled over the idea of just sticking it out on his own and waiting for Heaven to come looking for him but the idea of dying to lowly sinners again made him shiver. Adam never wanted to feel that weak again and Lucifer was the quickest way to get back to where he belonged.
As he got closer to the hotel it felt like his stomach twisted in uncomfortable ways – he passed it off as the pain just getting worse from him moving a lot. There were a few demons milling about in front, all ranging in appearance; from short and scrawny all the way to fucking massive. Doubts were filling Adam’s mind, was this really worth it? Hell couldn’t be that bad – couldn’t be worse than asking Lucifer for help .
He glided to the ornate entrance, flashing lights adorned every possible place on the leaves below and on a giant apple. The place looked elaborate, it was so fucking bright it hurt to look at. It was horribly obvious that Lucifer had his dirty claws in the creation of this stupid hotel but hopefully that meant that he would be here. Adam finally landed, glaring at anyone who looked at him and before he could think any further about it he knocked on the front door.
“Welcome to the Hazbin Ho-” Lucifer said in a sing-song voice as he dramatically opened the door before cutting himself short as he made eye contact with Adam. The polite smile that had been on his face turned sinister.
“Well, well, well, who do we have here?” Lucifer grinned, leaning on the doorway.
Adam growled, “Cut the shit, I need to get back to Heaven and I know you can talk to them.”
Lucifer cocked an eyebrow, “And what makes you think I’d help you?”
“Because-”
“Because last time I checked,” Lucifer’s gaze turned sharp as he put a finger to the first man’s chest, “ YOU tried to murder my daughter.”
He pushed Adam back with his finger as he continued, “ YOU destroyed my daughter’s hotel.”
Lucifer shoved his finger into Adam’s chest again, harsh enough to make Adam land on his ass, “and YOU murdered several of my people.”
Lucifer now stood as the taller of the two, glaring down at Adam as his horns crept out of his head, his tail lashing behind him. “So tell me, why the fuck should I help your sorry ass.”
Adam looked up at him dumbfounded as he processed the venom soaked words before anger settled throughout him again. “Maybe because you tricked me and Eve into eating that fucking apple.”
Adam stood up, his hands curling into fists, “Maybe because you stole my wife – both of them.”
He now towered over the shorter man, his fangs bared, “And maybe, just fucking maybe , because you ruined humanity before it could properly start.”
The two men glared at each other, neither of them backing down. Adam’s feathers puffed up as his knuckles turned white from how hard his fist were clenched. Lucifer had now fully shifted into what you’d expect of the demon king with his scleras morphing into a blood red with yellow pupils and fully pronounced horns, a small flame flickering between them. A few people were probably looking but all Adam was thinking about is how he wanted to shove this fuckers face into the pavement and zest his skin like the god damn fruit he is.
They probably would have stayed like that for longer if it wasn’t for a familiar annoyingly cheery voice speaking from within the hotel, “Hey dad, is everything-” Lucifer blinked, his eyes now their normal colors as a look of panic surged across his face and before Adam could even hear what the bitch was saying, Lucifer shoved him backwards.
Adam landed on unfamiliar ground. Lucifer had pushed him onto the floor literally a few minutes ago, why did it feel so different? He sat up and looked around in growing confusion, where the fuck was he? The place looked like a clown came all over a gay bar. Adam wearily stood up for the millionth fucking time, he really needed to stop finding himself on the ground, and started looking around. One thing he noted almost immediately, other than the tacky circus decor, was the amount of ducks everywhere. Look, ducks were cool, Adam liked the things so much he named them one letter away from dick.
Not that he liked dick. That’d be gay and Adam wasn’t a fucking fag.
Anyways, there were too many ducks. They all looked different, one had a bunch of fucking eyes, another had a purple tophat with a red bowtie. What kind of one-animal zoo wannabe place was this? He was brought out of his thoughts by the clicking of Lucifer’s gay ass boots against the tiles.
“Phew, that was close,” Adam turned around to face the cunt in white. He clapped his hands together, “now, where were we?”
“You were just about to be useful for once and tell Sera I’m stuck down here with you freaks.”
“I think I was actually about to beat your ass a second time,” Lucifer glared before visibly mulling over something and then smiling.
“Unless,” He held the ‘s’ sound like the serpent he was as he slid closer to Adam. “You want to take me up on my offer?”
Adam pushed him away, “fuck no. I just need you to contact Heaven, no part of that is me agreeing to your dumbass deal.”
Lucifer rolled his eyes, “and why would I help you with no benefit on my part?”
Adam wished looks could kill so this fucker would be dead already. He huffed, “what even is your deal?”
Lucifer appeared on the other side of him, arm wrapped around his waist – it was the highest he could reach. “I’m so glad you asked!”
Adam groaned as Lucifer began, “if you sign this here paper-” a golden piece of paper and feather materialized in front of Adam, “-then you will have my guaranteed protection from outside threats.”
Lucifer removed his arm and walked to the front of Adam, a smile plastered on his face, “and I get you in return.”
“...Me?” Adam stared blankly at him.
“Yes. I can basically do what I please with you and in return no one else will be able to touch you.”
“Oh hell no,” Adam swatted the paper away from him. “I am not about to be a part of your freaky gay fantasies!”
Lucifer raised an eyebrow, “I never said I’d use you for sex. Why is that what you want?” He smirked.
“No, that's just what a lonely bitch like you would do,” Adam spat. He couldn’t believe Lucifer was saying that to him of all people. Why in Heaven would he ever want to fuck Lucifer?
Lucifer shrugged, “Either way, this is the only chance you have to not die over and over again, I’ve heard it’s very painful.”
Adam grumbled. There had to be another way, right? Adam shot that thought right as it sprang up as there was no other way, no need to give himself false hope. He could deal with whatever the Devil threw at him and then he’d get the bitch to bring him to Heaven. Yeah, he’d end up as the victor. Lucifer can win this battle but Adam will win the war.
It was still very hard to actually agree to it. It was embarrassing as shit to have to take help from the guy who single handedly ruined your life, but Adam unfortunately knew this was the only way he would escape the repeated death that laid in the millions of sinner’s hands for him. But fuck did it make him angry, he’d have to destroy some shit here later when Lucifer wasn’t watching.
“Fuckin’ fine, whatever. I’ll sign the stupid paper,” Adam growled, brows furrowed as he wrote his awesome signature on the dumb line. The paper disappeared once he was done writing.
Lucifer looked surprised before it was quickly replaced by a look of smugness. He didn’t deserve to look that satisfied, so in control, so powerful. It wasn’t fucking fair. “Glad you finally saw reason, Adam.”
It made Adam’s stomach turn the way Lucifer said his name, hearing his name roll off the serpent tongue of the King of Hell made him feel sick.
“Now!” Lucifer clasped his hands together, “let me show you around.”
“Where even are we?” Adam questioned, looking around once more.
“My home of course!”
Adam cringed, “yikes, man. What the fuck is up with all the ducks?”
“Just a habit I picked up,” Lucifer hummed.
“Weirdo,” Adam mumbled.
“Anyways, this is my workshop,” Lucifer motioned to the room around him. “Don’t go in here, I like to be alone.”
Adam snickered, “what, jerking off to your ducks? I knew about Lilith leaving you but I didn’t think it was this bad-” Adam was cut off by a swift slap to his face.
“Ow! What the fuck?” Adam barked, a hand reflectively reaching up to sooth his cheek. How had this short fucker even reached him?
“Enough. Do not speak of Lilith,” Lucifer glared, his eyes that shimmering red again.
“Okay, fine, fuck.”
“Now,” Lucifer signaled with his hand for Adam to follow, “Let me show you to your room. I’ve had enough of you today.”
Adam rolled his eyes but followed nonetheless. He hated being told what to do but he didn’t feel like dealing with Lucifer’s whiney ass. They were both quiet as they walked, only the click, clack, click, clack of them walking filled the empty air. The place was fucking huge, it felt like walking through a circus attraction with the sole purpose of getting people lost within its walls. The walls were a deep salmon pink with various knick-knacks filling the walls, from gold and apple decorations framing the windows to gold-framed pictures from different eras. Many of the frames were filled with pictures of him, Lilith and their bitch, they looked undeservingly happy.
Adam ran into the shorter man when he abruptly stopped in front of a door. Lucifer shot a glare up at Adam before clearing his throat, “This is your room, I’ll show you around more tomorrow.”
He held open the door, bowing at Adam. A grin of superiority grew across his face, finally, he was being treated with the respect he deserved. As he crossed through the doorway, his smile faltered as he heard Lucifer say, “Ladies first.”
Before Adam could punch the fucker in his smug face the door was slammed behind him, leaving him alone in his new room.