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The walk back to their camp in Rivington from the Temple of Bhaal was a long one. Novi leaned his shoulders against Karlach’s as they walked, the Bhaalspawn exhausted from the ordeal.
“So fucking proud of you, Soldier,” she said, repeating it whenever it seemed like Novi was going to drift off, too tired to continue. She could carry him, sure, but it would be a far more triumphic return to the inn if he were still standing. No one could fault his reasoning, there.
Lae’zel was at his other side. “I knew you’d best the Slayer,” she said. “You are you, not a plaything of the gods.” Novi stumbled, and she reached out to steady his free shoulder. He glanced at her, a weary smile on his lips, and she nodded tursely.
Sure, she was there to catch him if he were to nod off, but she didn’t want the wizard to know her motivations so clearly. Gale walked behind them, and Astarion lingered at the back of the group. Silent.
“You know, Novi, I’ve some experience with challenging the gods as well,” Gale said, and Novi chuckled. His friends were trying to cheer him up, he suspected. “Still, it’s a great relief to see you alive and well! Well. At least alive, yes?”
And perhaps they were trying to remind themselves that he was in fact still alive. The usual parlay was a comfort. “Indeed. Let’s just be glad Mystra didn’t drain all the blood from your body,” he replied with a grin, though he leaned further against Karlach’s broad shoulders. It was getting harder to steady himself, but he trudged on. They were out of the wretched sewers, at least.
To say that his lover’s silence on the matters was disconcerting would be an understatement. Astarion hadn’t said much since they’d left the Temple of Bhaal, and even less since leaving the sewers.
And what had he said when Novi had miraculously returned to life thanks to Withers? “It was very twee.” Not exactly the response the Bhaalspawn had anticipated at this point in their relationship, after the confession that he was the only one Astarion had ever truly cared about. He was trying not to feel hurt, not to sulk.
Still, at the back of his mind, he couldn’t help but think he’d be better off still dead. Death had been blissful oblivion. And evidently, it wouldn’t have mattered much anyhow-
“I can see the smoke coming out of your ears, Soldier. What’s on your mind?” Karlach interrupted the stream of negative thoughts, and Novi looked over to her. Her brow was furrowed with concern, worry in her eyes, and he softened.
“Oh, just…processing,” he replied after a few moments to regain some semblance of composure. “The Urge is gone. It’s hard to wrap my head around that. It’s - it’s incredible, don’t get me wrong,” he clarified, “but it’s going to take some getting used to.”
She nodded, and he felt Lae’zel pat his other shoulder affirmatively. “I have no doubt you will do so promptly and efficiently,” the gith said.
“Come now Lae’zel, he’s just escaped one yoke, don’t replace it with another,” Gale teased, tone light-hearted. This elicited a “tsk’va,” but there wasn’t much bite to it.
As they at last arrived in camp, Novi covered with grime, dirt, and plenty of his own blood, it was hardly a surprise that most everyone flitted about, concerned in their own ways.
He allowed Shadowheart to wipe his face clean as she inspected him for any head injuries, despite knowing healing magic himself. It was nice to know she cared, and was trying to soften up.
“So. You…what did you choose?” She asked, voice strained with an attempt to sound casual. She was wondering if he’d turned his back on his own dark deity as she had before.
As she cast a minor healing spell on the gash at the back of his skull (thanks, Orin, for that), he offered a smile. “I declined my Father’s gift,” he said.
“I see.”
“He wasn’t very happy with me.”
“I don’t imagine he would be,” Shadowheart laughed. She squinted, examining his hands now, littered with scrapes. “How are you feeling?”
“Remarkably well for someone who was exsanguinated,” he mused, and she gawked.
“Are you joking?”
“Wish I was.”
“Well. I should’ve learned to stop being surprised by the impossible when it comes to you,” she said at last, shaking her head and patting his shoulder. “All done. You seem to be…fine? Mostly.”
He nodded. “Thanks, Shadowheart. I appreciate it,” he said, and with that she returned to her tent, leaving him alone by the crackling fire. He appreciated the silence, the chance to collect his thoughts, and was grateful (not for the first time) that his friends knew him so well. Probably better than he knew himself, these days.
The quiet respite lasted all of three minutes. Though, considering who was “disturbing” him, it wasn’t like Novi minded.
“I must admit, I’m almost impressed,” Jaheira said, sitting down beside him with a smirk. Despite her expression, though, there was a softness in the hand she placed on his shoulder. “I thought myself your wizened elder, your guide to what it means to be a Bhaalspawn. In the meantime, I see you took care of the problem yourself.”
“I think you’re giving me a bit too much credit,” he said in return, shaking his head. “I hardly did anything, you know, I just…”
“Stood up to your father?”
Her gaze was piercing. She knew he was a mess, inside. He didn’t like feeling vulnerable, didn’t enjoy feeling so seen , but it was comforting at the same time. Jaheira cared . Novi would be lying if he said the affection wasn’t returned.
(If he’d slipped up and called her “mom” once or twice, well, no one had commented on it. A blessing.)
“I did, but I wasn’t very successful,” he murmured, his shoulders tense again. “He killed me, just like that. So easily. And I…was okay with that,” he confessed. “Death was peaceful. I don’t remember much, but the thousands of deaths I caused - none brought me greater joy than my own.”
Jaheira gave his shoulder a squeeze, not saying anything at first. She studied his body language: shoulders hunched, nose scrunched, gaze flickering back and forth. He looked exhausted, a total wreck despite the light scrub Shadowheart had given him, and… worried. Deeply worried about something, aside from Bhaal, aside from the tadpole.
“We’re relieved you returned to us,” she said. “I’m relieved,” she added, her voice hushed as she looked into his eyes, holding his gaze properly now. “Whatever you’re feeling, you’re not alone. And standing up to Bhaal - that is something to be proud of.”
“But I’m a monster,” he whispered, the tension coiled in his body snapping like a rubber band as tears welled in his eyes. He allowed them to spill over his cheeks, wiping at them fruitlessly, and Jaheira let out a sigh. She pulled his face to her shoulder, wrapping her arms around him for a hug.
This certainly didn’t stop the flow of tears, with Novi hugging her tightly in response, as if afraid she was a figment of his imagination. She pat his back as he sobbed, his too-thin frame rattled with each heave. “Don’t you see, ” he whispered, voice thick with emotion. “I deserve to die for all that I’ve done. I’ve tried to - tried to tell you all that, tried to save you from me -”
“Do you really think us so incapable?” Jaheira asked, her tone gentle but firm as she continued, “Do you think we are unable to choose our own allies? Our own friends? ”
This gave Novi pause. He hesitated, sniffling and rubbing at his nose. His face was blotchy, his eyes still watery, but he lifted his head to look at her. “No,” he said at last, voice small. “I don’t think that. I just want to protect you all. I care about you, and you deserve to follow someone better than me. Someone deserving of all this support, this love.”
“You’ve still got a lot left to learn about people, then, cub,” she said, a teasing smile on her lips once more. “Who do you think gathered us all together? Why do you think we’re still here?”
He waved her off, shaking his head. “Anyone could have done that,” he said.
“Hm. And yet, you’re the one who did.”
Novi offered a smile at that, and he chuckled. “I still think everyone is mad for putting their faith in me all this time. My mind has been a bloody mess since the moment I awoke in the Nautiloid,” he murmured, and he rested his head on her shoulder again.
How long had it been since he’d felt a comforting touch like this, from…a mom?
Was I sweet once?
He would never have to hurt his loved ones again. There would be no more red fog, no more panicked shaking of a mother’s corpse, sobs of, “are you okay? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
“You’re pulling yourself back together, though,” Jaheira said charitably, snapping him out of his memories, his familiar spiral.
“I guess so.”
“You are,” she said. “You’re a good man - whoever you are right now, at least, is good. Good to a fault, really. You help every needy, helpless buffoon on the streets even to your detriment,” she said, laughing now. “Your past may be lost to you, but perhaps that’s for the best, no?”
“That I can agree with. I don’t really want to remember everything,” he said, and he sighed, lifting his head once more to meet her gaze. “Is that bad of me? Shouldn’t I be forced to remember it all, to pay penance?”
She shrugged. “Who am I to say, cub? All I know is, you can forge your own path ahead now, without your wicked father’s poisonous whispers in your mind. Make the most of that chance.”
Novi chewed on that for a moment before nodding. “I want to,” he said. “No more Urges. It’s…a relief, to be the child of none, at last, ” he continued, and he took a deep breath. “But I’m afraid, Jaheira. Afraid it won’t last. That they’ll come back. That I’m not worthy of this chance. That I…” his gaze fell to the ground, and he shook his head. “That it was me all along, not the Urges.”
“Nothing is certain in this world,” Jaheira said, but she gave him another comforting squeeze. “Except, perhaps, that your friends care about you. That we’re here for you, even if that were to be the case.”
He seemed unconvinced, at first, but he remained quiet for a few moments again. He took some deep breaths, appreciated the quiet in his ruined mind, and he nodded affirmatively. “Thank you,” he said.
“You should get some rest now, cub,” she murmured, gentle as she untangled his unlovable carcass from her arms, the sting of rejection running hot in his cheeks as they flushed --
Novi shook that off. It was late. She was tired, and some rest would help all of them after this awful day. “You’re right,” he said, nodding and standing. He was wobbly on his feet still, but the druid helped him make it to the haybale where he’d set his sleeping back.
“Do try to get some proper rest, Novi,” she said, looking at him pointedly. “You will not be plagued by nightmares this night - not of the blood-red kind. Allow yourself that comfort.”
He sighed, nodding as he flopped down. “I’ll do my best. Goodnight, Jaheira.”
She flicked his forehead, affectionate, bringing another rush of distant memories, of a mother he’d loved with his whole heart, and…Novi smiled at his companion, genuine and sweet.
Was I sweet, once?
Yes. Maybe I can be again.
“Goodnight, cub.” She winked, then left the barn to go to her own tent, leaving Novi alone once more.
He shifted a few times, trying to get comfortable, but it wasn’t working. He turned onto his side, onto his back, stared at the ceiling, rolled onto his stomach (no, no, that hurt), at last giving up and curling into himself, squeezing his eyes shut. Not the best position for a trance, but he wasn’t planning on that just yet, no.
Instead, he allowed the tears to fall again, the sounds of his quiet sobs swallowed up by the crackling campfire, the chatter of his companions, the hooting owls and ambience of Baldur’s Gate around them.
What would tomorrow bring? He could go to see Enver - to see Gortash. It felt wrong to think of him as anything more than an enemy, despite the evidence that they had been…friends. Something more, perhaps, but Novi couldn’t remember. It made him sick to think about, as if somehow, he’d been unfaithful both to this phantom figure in his past and to Astarion both in one blow.
Wretched thing. Pull yourself together.
There was no use crying. He was being pathetic, ridiculous even. His friends cared about him, he wasn’t alone, and he would be able to face tomorrow, the bloodless dawn. He grit his teeth, sitting up and furiously wiping the tears from his eyes. “Fuck,” he hissed to himself, and he pinched the bridge of his nose. Maybe a walk would help, maybe then he’d be able to relax enough to enter trance-
“Am I interrupting something, darling?”
Astarion.
“Shit - no, no, not at all,” Novi said, scrambling to straighten out his disastrous hair, as if that mattered right now. “Sorry. You startled me.”
“I could, as Karlach likes to say, see the smoke coming out of your ears,” the vampire said, voice quiet as he took a seat beside the Bhaalspawn. “Leaving you to your thoughts didn’t seem terribly productive. You were being quite loud about them, you know.”
Shame washed over Novi anew, his cheeks burning. “Sorry.”
“Hm?”
“I’m sorry,” he repeated, emphatically this time. “I’m sorry for this. All of this. Sorry I died. Sorry I came back to life, sorry I was fucking born at all, sorry you’re stuck with me, the asshole who didn’t let you ascend and reclaim your freedom and…” he hadn’t realized it, but his chest was heaving, his eyes wide, almost crazed. “I’m just sorry, Astarion. If - if you want to be done with me, I can’t blame you,” he said at last, forcing a few deep breaths through his foul lungs.
Why had he ever thought he was worthy of a relationship like this? Of sweetness and love ? A wicked creature like him could never-
“Novi. Look at me,” Astarion’s voice cut through the storm of his thoughts and Novi obeyed, meeting the other man’s gaze. “Stop it. Stop apologizing, for gods’ sake.” The vampire watched his partner bristle, ready to let another apology slip past those adorable, stupid lips, and he gave a soft ‘tut.’ “Do stop being so cruel to my partner, while you’re at it. It makes me quite unhappy to hear such awful things about him.”
Novi squinted, now, and he tilted his head. “What?”
“I happen to quite like your, ah… unlovable carcass, ” Astarion said with a wry smile, fangs poking out, a flush on his cheeks from Novi’s own blood coursing through him. “Though, as I said, I’d really prefer you didn’t say such things about my beloved,” he murmured, softening.
The Bhaalspawn tensed. “It’s all true, though. You shouldn’t like me.”
“Hm. Perhaps I don’t like you. Tragically, I’m burdened with loving you,” was the teasing response. Astarion reached up, cupping Novi’s cheek as he looked into his eyes. “In fact, I adore you. You ridiculous, sappy, kind, idiotic man.”
“Man,” Novi echoed, and this seemed to center him. He nodded. “I guess at least part of that is true.”
“Or all of it. I guess there’s no helping some people’s delusions, though,” was the droll reply. Novi laughed at that, the sound sweet and familiar to the vampire’s ears. However, he quickly sobered, and met Astarion with wet-eyed sadness.
“Why were you so quiet, before?” he asked, and there really was an irresistible desperation to him, reminding Astarion of one of their very first conversations.
The question, though, was a hard one to answer. He winced.
“I’m sorry, darling. That wasn’t my best moment, I admit.”
“ Why? ” Novi repeated, and Astarion sighed, shifting to fold his hands in his lap for now.
“I lost you,” he said simply, and his shoulders sagged. “In that awful moment, I lost you. The only person I’ve ever cared about. The only one I’ve ever loved. I didn’t want to believe it, couldn’t believe it.”
“But I came back, Astarion. I’m here.”
“I was afraid I was imagining it.”
Novi frowned, then, and he reached out to take one of Astarion’s hands. He gave an affirmative squeeze. “You’re not.”
“It wouldn’t have been the first time I…came up with a nicer reality, for myself, in a moment,” the vampire admitted, and he held Novi’s hand like a vice now. “Words failed me, I guess, when I realized it was real. Then I felt…ashamed, that I hadn’t reacted more…” he paused, struggling with the words. Feelings were still difficult to navigate. These were uncharted waters. “That I didn’t scream, that I didn’t call out your name, that I didn’t run to you. That I didn’t do anything .”
Novi raised a brow, confused at first, but the pieces slowly clicked into place. “I see,” he said, and he nodded. “Well, I’ll admit, I was a bit hurt that I was…alone, when I woke back up, except for Withers. That you didn’t say anything on the walk back, that…the most you could say to me was that coming back to life was twee. ” The words were pointed, but he laughed, his expression softening as he looked at Astarion, his Astarion, and he smiled. “But I think I can forgive you, somehow,” he teased.
Astarion laughed as well, now, the tenseness in his frame loosening at last as he leaned in closer. “How very gracious of you, darling.” He paused again. “How are you feeling, love?”
“Oh…” Novi hesitated now. How much should he say? “I’ve been better,” he settled on.
“Hm.”
The vampire was studying him, now, with that all-too-critical eye.
“What?”
“You look like shit,” was the conclusion. “Did Shadowheart help?”
“Yeah, she did.”
“Not well enough, then.”
Novi snorted, and he gently elbowed Astarion in the side. “She probably just didn’t want to use Heal on me right now. She knows I hate it. You know, the memories that tend to resurface, they’re never…good ones.”
“Well, just this once, I won’t chew her out then,” Astarion relented, and he gently curled his fingers through Novi’s mussed hair. “I’m just worried about you, my sweet. It’s rare to see you so exhausted. You haven’t even attempted one of your awful, baudy ballads.”
“Well, if you miss them so much-”
“Perhaps tomorrow,” the vampire interrupted, and he chuckled as Novi stuck out his tongue in response. “You’d wake up the old woman at this hour, and I don’t think she’d forgive you.”
Novi sighed rather dramatically, throwing his head back, but he nodded. “Good point. Maybe I’ll find the lyrics in trance tonight. Something to celebrate this…bloodless dawn.”
“You deserve to celebrate it.”
“It’s…hard to explain the feeling, honestly,” the Bhaalspawn continued, and he shifted to gently rest his forehead on Astarion’s shoulder. Instinctively, the vampire pulled him into a proper embrace, offering the comfort he probably should’ve provided a bit sooner. Novi had always loved hugs, after all.
“You’re free,” Astarion murmured, and Novi smiled against the crook of his neck.
“And you’re finally safe from me,” he said, and he wrapped his arms around Astarion in return. He squeezed him tightly. “I will never hurt you again,” he added, fierce, and the vampire chuckled.
“There is no ‘again,’ darling. Now, I seem to recall you woke me up that night, when your Urge was overtaking you, and you saved my life. You didn’t hurt me.”
“But-”
“No buts,” Astarion replied, and he laughed at the pout this elicited. It was hard to believe, sometimes, that Novi had truly been such a terrifying man before this whole ordeal. That he’d slaughtered thousands, mercilessly. That he’d cannibalized his victims, done other unspeakable things. That he’d… slept with fucking Gortash.
Of course, it wasn’t that unbelievable when the bard’s eyes narrowed, his teeth were bared, and he walked around with such cold confidence that even Astarion felt a chill run up his sign. It was hardly a surprise at all, no. Novi was frightening. He was dangerous.
He was beautiful. He was kind. He was free , and Astarion was too.
Novi was looking at him, now, with warmth in his eyes and a blush on his cheeks. “Your thoughts are loud,” he said, light and mirthful.
It was Astarion’s turn to be flustered, something he still wasn’t quite used to despite Novi’s uncanny ability to draw the emotion from deep within his undead heart. “Well. It’s true, darling. You are beautiful.”
“Hm…” the bard hummed, and he leaned in closer, their foreheads touching. “And you’re free,” he mused. “We both are. I can’t wait to be done with this stupid fucking Elder Brain.”
The sudden vulgarity was enough to make Astarion snort, bumping their noses together, and they both laughed at the absurdity of it all. At everything that had happened today. At the fact that they were both alive, and they could forge their own paths forward. Joy, unadulterated joy, and the wonder of this unexpected moment. Novi was wheezing by the time he finally calmed down, wiping tears from his eyes, and he beamed at his lover.
“Want me to stay with you tonight?” Astarion asked, unable to contain the smile upon his lips.
“Please.”
“Of course, darling. Always,” he murmured, and he laid down, allowing Novi to clamber into the sleeping bag beside him. He held the Bhaalspawn close, Novi’s back to his chest, and watched his lover relax at last.
“Thank you.”
“This is as much for my enjoyment as it is for yours, my sweet-”
“No, I mean…” Novi chuckled softly, his lids drooping shut. “I mean for staying by my side,” he murmured, voice already twinged with drowsiness. “I love you.”
Astarion was quiet a moment, resting his chin on Novi’s shoulder as he held him. “I love you too,” he said. He would’ve added something, then, but the other man had already drifted into his trance.
The sweet words could wait until the morning, yes. They had their whole lives ahead of them now, after all.