Work Text:
Zhongli arrives in heaven after drinking too much osmanthus wine.
He walks around the seemingly endless clouds, looking for some sign of life, when he suddenly sees a head of slick, greasy, nearly-white blond hair. He approaches the person.
"Excuse me, small abnormally pale child. Where are the people?"
The boy turns around. "Oh my gyatt, I know you. You're Zhongli, right?"
Zhongli gasps and almost falls onto his back like a cockroach and dies out of shock. "You...You know who I am?"
"Of course I do! You taught me this!" The boy smiles like a bald man and snaps his fingers, summoning a teacup of osmanthus wine. He snaps his fingers again and it disappears. "The name's Malfoy, by the way. Draco Malfoy." He extends a hand.
Zhongli shakes it enthusiastically and smiles like a bald man back. "Pleased to meet you! Is this heaven?"
Draco keeps shaking Zhongli's hand and also shakes his head. "We have to go that way to get to heaven." With the hand that's not locked with Zhongli's, he points north.
"Oh. Can we go, then?"
"Yes, of course."
Zhongli and Draco smile like the bald men they are and interlock their fingers, skipping on the clouds together north, swinging arms and singing about dropping out of school and becoming a drug lord.
They reach the end of the clouds soon. Zhongli peers down over the edge and gasps. "Is that...a gyatt?"
Below them is a gyatt-shaped slide with many ghosts sliding down it, cheering.
Draco nods. "Yes. We have to jump over the edge of the clouds. As soon as we do that, we become ghosts. Then, we have to skydive over to one of the slides and slide down it. Only then will we enter heaven."
Zhongli takes a deep breath through his nose that whistles like a kettle. "Let's do it, then. On the count of three. One..."
Draco suddenly jumps, dragging Zhongli with him due to them still holding hands. Zhongli screams like a little girl, like Childe. He has to practice his bald man scream later. They turn into ghosts and skydive.
Draco lands on a slide. "We did it!" he yells triumphantly. But then, he notices his hand is strangely light. He realizes with a jolt of panic that Zhongli isn't holding onto him anymore. "Zhongli!" he screams.
Zhongli falls far, far, far away from the gyatt.
—
Up in heaven, Draco forgets all about Zhongli, too busy thinking about mpreg, hot cashiers, and deez nuts in the shape of skibidi Ohio toilet gyatts.