Chapter Text
Complete darkness. There wasn’t a sound that his ears could pick up, no indicator about where he was. His whole body felt like jelly, too stiff and confused to move. An almost blinding ache settled body-wide as soon as he attempted to roll his arm for comfort.
Something wasn’t right. This place… Miyano was here. He was here for some reason, something important. He blinked and moved to turn his head but it was stuck in place. Now that he thought about it, there was no room to move. For some reason, even in his hazy daze, Miyano felt like he shouldn’t move.
If he moved, something would go seriously wrong. He stood as still as he could, inhaling deeply to keep himself calm.
That provided the exact opposite effect, some dust coming into contact with his lungs, setting them on fire. Instantaneously, Miyano started to cough, hacking up every speck of dust and debris he could feel invading his airways, the arms around his waist holding him tighter-
Arms…?
He suddenly remembered.
The mall. The shaking. The-
“Shuumei-san!” Miyano called in alarm despite the dryness in his throat. His eyes tried to adjust to the darkness to no avail. He felt sick, like his heart had been stabbed and shredded a thousand times over. He attempted to move against his better judgment, tugging at the familiar arms firmly around his middle, desperately calling, ”Shuumei-san! Shuumei-san!”
The arms held him in place and a groggy voice answered, “Shh, Mya-chan. I’m here.”
Miyano stopped his thrashing. He inhaled again, slowly this time. He could feel the tears prick at his eyes, threatening to come out. The last thing he wanted to do was cry. It was everything his body ached to do, yet he knew it wasn’t something he could afford right now. Any chance he had of surviving would depend on conserving as much of his energy as possible.
“Shuumei-san,” Miyano whispered, trying to preserve his voice, “You’re here.”
His throat was itchy.
“Mhm,” Sasaki answered, pressing his nose to his crown, “‘m here.”
“How long have we been down here?”
“I don’t know.”
Miyano felt like an idiot. This whole situation, being trapped in such a small pocket, was all his fault.
Visiting the mall was not a requirement. They could have gone to a bookstore near the station or the bakery near his mom's house. They could have put off the trip like Sasaki had suggested to save up to visit Rome and take romantic boat rides down the bay. They could have gone to the US to visit that one convention Miyano had looked forward to all year.
But they didn’t. Because, for financial reasons, impatience, and selfishness, Miyano wanted to go shopping with Sasaki on the third day of their trip to Hyogo. He wanted to visit the very mall where his mom bought her wedding dress once upon a time to window shop for their imaginary wedding. If he had been more patient and less emotion-driven then maybe he wouldn’t have put the love of his life in this situation.
“Yoshikazu,” Sasaki whispered into his ear, “I’m so glad you’re safe.”
Safe? Miyano wanted to laugh but he couldn’t. Not when he was forced to be pressed so close to his fiancé who didn’t deserve anything that had happened. His light, his everything who was just happy to spend time with him didn’t deserve that kind of treatment.
“I’m sorry for bringing us here,” Miyano whispered back, gripping the hand on his stomach. He wanted to see his lover so badly, but analyzing the pocket through his limited movement, he quickly realized it would be impossible.
“It’s not your fault.”
“I brought us here.”
“So many people were brought here under the ruse that it was safe,” Sasaki argued, his voice laden with growing frustration. He sighed out his frustrations, agony trying to claw at his heart. He cleared his throat and tried again, more calmly, “You didn’t ask for this. A mall isn’t supposed to just collapse.”
Miyano knew he was right, but the guilt still had his way with him. He was the one who wanted… his stupid BL-fueled brain wanted to see the wedding wear boutique on the stupid third floor of the building under the excuse that it was also the same place his mother got her dress. What a joke it had been to go see the bookstore on the fourth floor despite the various cracks and blatant signs that something was wrong. If they had just left once they had finished looking at all the wedding favors, had they left half an hour earlier instead of creating a stack of books for checkout before going to the basement floor to eat…
As if mocking him, something resembling a page touched Miyano’s leg. He winced the paper-like touch screaming, ‘bookstore, bookstore, bookstore,’ over and over again in his head.
“Let’s rest,” Sasaki whispered, fingers gently cradling Miyano. Miyano closed his eyes, although it didn’t make a difference. Open or closed, the only difference between the two dark abysses was the grime that landed in his eyes now landing instead on his eyelids.
“You, too,” Miyano answered, caressing the arms wrapped securely around himself. With what he tried to make a hopeful voice, he added, “We’ll be rescued soon.”
Right, rescuers existed. Help was on the way. There was no chance in hell that the people of Japan wouldn’t come together to unbury the survivors of the disaster. Speaking of survivors, there had to be others. The chances of others being trapped similarly in air pockets such as the one he and Sasaki were in was high with how many people were in the mall at the time.
Miyano felt a nasty curl in his gut. At the time of the disaster, when Miyano first looked up from Sasaki who was mid-bite of a burger at the employee’s screams of, “Run, run. Run!” there had been chaos. There had been crowds of people outside of the restaurant running before Miyano realized that the trembling wasn’t an earthquake. So many people.
So many families would find out that their loved ones weren’t coming home. That was so many people who no doubt lost their lives in the collapse, regardless of whether they were a hard worker on a late shift or a child on their first mall visit, or the high school girls splurging their first paychecks on designer brands. Miyano saw so many people throughout the day, including the snarky business owner running the takoyaki stand and the sweet bookstore owner on the fourth floor who handed him a pamphlet of their newest orders. There was also the guy who reached for the same copy of wedding decorations in the morning, the same guy who happily told him about his fiancé, the woman he was so excited to marry soon.
In other words, Miyano wasn’t alone. He felt such ugly guilt wash over him as he thought, ‘Thank goodness it’s not just us.’ In no world did he wish for anyone to be stuck under meters upon meters of rubble, but the comfort that it brought him to know he wasn’t the only one who was lured into the building under the ruse of a fun day wasn’t something he could easily let go.
Because at the end of the day, Sasaki was right. It wasn’t his fault that the whole world came crashing down on them- literally and metaphorically. It wasn’t like they decided to go mountain climbing on a day of a forecasted typhoon and then got caught under a monstrous landslide. It was a shopping mall, a place where everyone was welcome to safely navigate stores, the only risk being that of a pesky pickpocket slipping away with a wallet or two.
Malls weren’t supposed to collapse.
People weren’t supposed to die while shopping.
Miyano closed his eyes. He was tired, too tired to keep mulling on the situation at hand. Underneath him, he could feel his fiance’s steady breathing, the same pattern as when he was sleeping. So without saying anything, he let the deep darkness slip into his consciousness in tandem with the ebony already hijacking his five senses.
—-
“Mya-chan.”
The first thing Miyano heard when he regained consciousness was the soft, quiet tone of his boyfriend’s voice. Miyano almost forgot where he was if it wasn’t for the darkness that came with staring into the dark while still feeling some sort of powder come off of his eyelashes and into the wetness of his eyes, drying them out. Deciding it wasn’t worth keeping his eyes open anyway, he shut them again.
“Shuumei-san?” Miyano answered, reaching his arm back to grip the taller man’s forearms. He felt Sasaki’s breath hitch underneath him before he cleared his throat.
“Ah, you’re awake?” Sasaki asked dumbly before chuckling at himself. Miyano felt the way his chin attempted to connect with his crown, but the awkward strain on his neck had him dropping his head back to the uneven ground.
“Yeah, now I am,” Miyano nodded despite knowing his boyfriend couldn’t see it. He very much could, however, feel the small movement.
“I was just saying your name,” Sasaki chuckled, “I wasn’t trying to get your attention. But now that I have it, hi there.”
Miyano snickered, “What, do you have a crush on me or something?”
That earned a hearty laugh from the older one that also came accompanied by a dry cough at the end. In the moment, Miyano didn’t let himself think much of it, sure that he was overthinking.
“I think I might,” Sasaki playfully put his hands on Miyano’s waist, “Would that ruin what we have? Will you think I’m weird for it?”
“You’re so ridiculous,” Miyano rolled his eyes, laughing dryly along with Sasaki.
Maybe it was because of the good laugh he’d just had, but Miyano suddenly noticed how cold it was. Despite being pressed up so close to his fiancé, their shared body warmth served as a personal heater to both, everywhere that Sasaki wasn’t touching felt so cold. Without discussing it, Miyano grabbed Sasaki’s wrists and pulled them over himself, holding onto the warmth as tightly as he could without hurting him.
He doesn’t know when, but he drifted off and out of consciousness again.
When he came to, he found that the same had happened to Sasaki, so instead of waking him up, Miyano let him rest and waited. He couldn’t tell if it had been minutes, hours, or even days. There was nothing he could do to tell the time, so he started counting. When he reached his first hundred, he chuckled a little at himself.
There had been a time in early elementary when Miyano wasn’t so keen on his studies, too excited for playtime, that he had zoned out in his teacher’s lectures. On one particular day, he had been caught not paying attention and was assigned to cleaning duties after a messy class experiment. He was given a timeframe to do it, and of course that left him with excess time, so he started counting the seconds until he could go home.
There had been another time in middle school when Miyano’s train faced an unexpected delay. While he had been hanging out with friends, they received the news that due to some maintenance error, they would have to wait an hour or so. Miyano didn’t feel like walking, and the officer they ran into said that the maintenance wasn’t scheduled to last that long, so the group decided to wait. What they weren’t prepared for was how long they would have to wait.
Their idea of waiting had been counting stupid things, like seeing who could hold their breath for the longest amount of seconds, or who could do a handstand for the longest time. Not that Miyano could even do one, to begin with, but his friends mercifully counted his sad flop as an entire second.
When they reached a half hour of waiting, Miyano’s friend had passed around his shabby old flip phone to allow everyone to call their parents. When Miyano’s mom had picked up, she wasn’t upset, just worried about his absence. She then thanked him for letting her know that he was safe and offered to come pick him up. He reassured her he was fine and let her know he would be back as soon as the train got moving again.
Two thousand seconds went by. As he was counting two thousand and thirty-five, he finally heard his partner's breathing pattern hitch for a second. He didn’t wait for Sasaki to announce his lucidity again, instead smiling wide and playing with his fingers.
“You’re awake.”
“Mhm.”
He sounded breathless. Now Miyano was worried.
“Shuumei-san?”
“Yeah?”
Miyano took in as deep of a breath as he could manage and carefully prodded, “Can you answer me honestly, please? Am I making it hard for you to breathe?”
“No, Yoshikazu,” The breathless voice was quick to reassure. More grimly, it added, “I think the oxygen in the space just isn’t enough, though. Maybe that’s why we keep falling unconscious.”
“I see,” Miyano nodded.
He didn’t see at all. A giant, fear-filled hand grabbed at his heart, pumping it faster and faster. The muscle felt like it was seconds from opening a hole in his chest and crawling out, exploding through all the rubble with how hard it was pounding against his ribcage. He was in terror, the realization that Sasaki was right, the oxygen in the tiny space had to be depleting. Not to mention that Miyano knew Sasaki wasn't being entirely honest. There was no way he could imagine that having the full weight of another adult on his chest for this long wouldn't start to affect him.
The unmarried couple didn’t have a way of knowing how long they had been there, how long they could last, or further, how long the people outside would search for them. Surely, Miyano thought, his mom at least knew they had visited, but would she know which day they visited? When she first heard of the collapse, if news had even reached as far as Yokohama in so little time, would she be able to come out and search for them? Would she have called them to confirm they weren’t in the building after promising to not disturb them on their trip?
Would anyone fight for rescuers to keep up with rescue and recovery efforts? Another fear poked itself into Miyano’s mind.
What if, when rescuers stopped finding survivors, they shifted to cleanup efforts with heavy machinery and started hastily pulling off rubble without the care to not tear them apart? Miyano felt like throwing up, both at the thought of his limbs being torn off without care, or worse, Sasaki screaming in pain from the move. He wanted to die just thinking about his Sasaki in so much pain. From this whole ordeal, there was only one thing Miyano was certain of.
Miyano didn’t want Sasaki to die.
A realization bubbled up in his chest suddenly. Just as he was thinking about being torn by heavy machinery, a horrible thought struck him.
“Shuumei-san, can you feel your legs?” Miyano asked. He heard Sasaki pause, and then a silent sigh.
“No, I can’t,” Sasaki told him, “I assume you can’t, either?”
“I think something is crushing our legs,” Miyano told him. He sighed, “I can somewhat feel my knees and bit past, but not much.”
“Same here.”
Miyani gulped. He hoped someone would find them soon, preferably in one piece.
Thirst. Immense thirst.
Everything around him was nulled, nonexistent. Miyano’s throat was so dry. He needed water, he needed to stop the burning that sucked him into himself. Every part of his body screamed at him, the burning sensation of the shriveled flesh deprived of any moisture that it so desperately needed. Miyano wasn’t sure if he cried, but he hated the idea that he might have because he needed that moisture inside his body so badly.
He was so incredibly dehydrated that when those strong arms around him hugged him tighter against himself, Miyano cried harder, the sounds of the panting man below him barely providing any comfort.
Dry, dry, dry.
His spit didn’t feel like enough. His cries were dry, so any attempt he made to lick any possible tears was fruitless. Beneath him, those strong, familiar arms kept their hold on him. It was so dry, the powder that was stuck to his body from the debris of the fallen building only dried out his skin and made it itch. Miyano sucked in a breath, trying so hard to stop wasting his energy by doing something like crying of all things. It came to nothing as the burning all over, and the absolute thirst in his throat only got more uncomfortable.
“Mya-chan,” Sasaki coughed out, rubbing his slender fingers gently into Miyano’s arms, “What’s wrong?”
Miyano couldn't answer, instead, he just went quiet, his outburst coming to a stop. The burning sensation didn’t go away. He thought about the first numbers that came to his mind, all out of order. He wanted so badly for the nightmare to end, for the dehydration to go away. He couldn't think straight. Everything hurt so bad.
He wanted water, water, water.
He couldn't feel his legs, could barely feel his numb fingers, but the burning in his throat and chest was so strong. His lips were beyond chapped, begging for any kind of moisture. Slowly, he closed his eyes again, an irrational part of him wanting so badly for it all to end already. A voice he didn't recognize asked him ‘why me?’ and he felt so helpless against everything.
Water. Please. Water.
Something wet touched his face. Miyano blinked dryly. He wondered if he hallucinated the feeling, reaching a hand up to his cheek where he felt the drop. Right as his hand touched his flesh, another identical feeling washed over his hand. Miyano recognized the cold, washy sensation instantly and he felt another sob, a much less hopeless one, hitch in his throat.
Without thinking, he turned his head to let the next drop land on his tongue. He regretted that choice instantly and spit it back out, coughing to get everything out of his system.
“Mya-chan,” Sasaki tried to get his attention by bringing one of his arms up to cup Miyano’s chin. He asked him gently, “What is it? What’s going on?”
It was quite the paradox. Just when Miyano felt like he was going to die of thirst, he was blessed with water. Obviously, it should have meant he was saved, right?
Absolutely not. The distinct, rusty taste was like a mockery to him. He had a single source of water flowing to him, yet it was a source he couldn't rely on. The coppery crime was anything but unsafe to drink. The water must have traveled through layers upon layers of dirt, concrete, rust, and most morbidly, the bodies of others who might not have survived the collapse.
“Water,” Miyano croaked out. He felt a little pathetic at how dry and weak he sounded, but he decided he didn’t give a damn about his appearance or sound and he cried, “So thirsty.”
“I know, Yoshikazu,” Sasaki croaked back. For the first time since he woke up, Miyano noticed how dry and winded he sounded. A horrible feeling pooled in his gut and some guilt resurfaced.
"Some water's dripping onto my face,” Miyano began and he didn’t miss how Sasaki gasped quietly in what sounded like hope. Feeling like a sack of shit, Miyano quickly crushed his hopes and told him, “It’s rusty, Shuumei-san. We can’t drink it or it’ll kill us.”
The silence that followed was heavy.
Perhaps worse than the realization of the horrible cruelty that fate sent their way was the way Sasaki’s hands came off of Miyano and instead rested by his side. He sighed deeply, sounding both disappointed and helpless. It broke Miyano’s heart to bear first witness to the despair plaguing his fiance’s movements underneath him. He wanted to travel back in time to the day he decided to go to that mall and strangle himself for ever thinking of something as bland as shopping for a day at a vacation where they could have instead been relaxing in an onsen. He was such a fool.
A small, rustling next to him had Miyano straining his ears curiously at his boyfriend’s movements. He didn’t say anything, just listened as the older boy seemed to grab onto something and wrestled with it. The rustling of whatever Sasaki had grabbed onto got more aggressive before a tearing sound reached Miyano’s ears.
He decided to ask.
“Shuumei-san?”
“It’s cardboard,” Sasaki told him, holding both his arms in front of Miyano again. He sighed, and Miyano suddenly wished he could see his face and kiss away any doubts he had. He settled with placing a hand on the larger man’s wrist, gentle enough to allow the older to keep his movement. After another tearing sound, Sasaki’s voice came back, “Here, Mya-chan. Dampen it with the water.”
“Uh, sure,” Miyano took the cardboard from his fiance’s hands without a question and held it over his face where the water drops were coming down a little faster now.
It took a few awkward minutes before the cardboard was soaked enough for Sasaki. He cleared his throat and grabbed Miyano’s wrist that held the cardboard and guided it to his lips. He sounded so dehydrated as he said, “Try drinking from it now. It should be better.”
And oh, Miyano’s heart hurt so bad. He wanted to cry. Even in their distressing situation where he wouldn’t blame Sasaki at all for being angry with him, the older boy was still watching over him. Miyano bit his lip, pondering his next move.
He licked the cardboard just enough to wet his lips. He kept it there for a minute then placed it back to absorb some of the water dripping down again.
“Your turn,” Miyano told Sasaki, “I’ve had my fill.”
Miyano would rather die than let the love of his life experience another second of the aggravating thirst.
“Did you drink enough?” Sasaki asked, his voice so painfully raspy. Miyano gulped.
“Yes, I did,” He lied, “Now please do the same, Shuumei-san. It was your idea, after all.”
“You should drink more.”
Irritation bubbled in Miyano's veins as he blurted out, “Are you trying to die on me?”
There was a painful hesitation before Sasaki finally took the offered piece of cardboard. Miyano listened to the quiet sound of his fiancé sucking at the cardboard, the air bubbles sizzling as they were sucked into the water. Sasaki finished and tried to hand the cardboard back to Miyano.
"Drink some more, please," Sasaki pleaded, "I know you didn't really."
Miyano swallowed hard and tried to protest, "But you need it more than-"
"Please don't be a hypocrite."
The tone he used was nasty. Miyano couldn't even bring himself to be hurt, knowing he deserved it after he was nasty first. Without a word, he soaked the paper again and sucked on it, the same sizzling sound from the air bubbles hitting his ears like a meat cleaver. The water tasted awful, some of the rusty flavor still residing in it, just more manageable than before. Aside from the rusty edge to it, the water was murky from traveling through layers of mud and rubble. There was a foul salty taste that Miyano decided would be best if he didn't think about it.
He was still thirsty, but it was so much better than before. A memory of the day before their mall visit, when they were exploring the Himeji castle resurfaced. Miyano had been a little thirsty but was too lazy to open his bag and grab a water bottle. Sasaki had asked him if he needed water and he declined, despite being breathless and thirsty from walking all day.
That level of thirst would never compare to Miyano's turmoil just minutes before.
Once he was done with his fill, feeling a lot more satisfied than before, Miyano drifted off again.
—
"I'm hungry," Sasaki groaned softly. Miyano just barely heard his voice as he slowly woke back up from his nap. Sasaki's grip was so loose on him.
"I have an idea," Miyano whispered, missing how Sasaki jumped under him. He reached around until he found the cardboard and soaked it again. Handing to Sasaki felt harder this time, his arms feeling so sluggish, "Here, Shuumei-san. Fill your stomach with this."
"And you?"
"Um," Miyano reached for some of the discarded cardboard they hadn't used before and slipped it under the dripping water that by this time had slowed to that of a dripping faucet. "I have a piece. Just need to fill our stomachs with something."
"Hmm."
Miyano waited until he heard Sasaki chewing first before he slowly brought the moistened object to his own lips. Just as he was going to take a bite, he heard a gag. Some concern flooded him, wondering if the cardboard was no good.
"It tastes like milk bread," Sasaki said before Miyano could ask. Chuckling, he asked, "What does yours taste like, Yoshikazu?"
Miyano paused. His philosophy had always been to be earnest and honest with his partner, even in the good and the bad. So as he tentatively took a bite, pulling at the stiff material, he wondered and focused on what it would taste like. On what he wanted to be eating right now. He chewed slowly then swallowed thickly.
"It tastes like that layered cake you made me for my seventeenth birthday," Miyano answered, eagerly taking another bite. Through a mouthful of his meal, he smiled wide and said with a strained laugh, "It's not sweet. It's perfect."
Sasaki laughed.
"I'm glad."
Neither of them ever knew cardboard could taste so good. They ate away at their portions and when they were finished, gripped tightly at each other again. Their mood even felt restored somewhat, now that their stomachs weren't screaming as loudly as they had been. For a brief second, Miyano wondered if the human body could digest cardboard, but he dismissed the idea when he remembered he'd just had the best slice of cake he'd had in weeks.
"What do you want to eat when we get rescued?" Sasaki asked out of the blue. Miyano hummed in thought.
"You know that store we saw with all the weird flavored ice cream?" Miyano asked. Sasaki hummed in response, low but comforting. Miyano continued, "I want Denim. I've never had the courage to try it, but it doesn't look sweet."
"I don't think I can join you in that experience," Sasaki chuckled airily, "Bu' when I think about ice cream, peash sherbet from that shop near the station sounds delicious."
"Their matcha ice cream is good," Miyano nodded along, "Especially with the chili flakes."
"Mm, not brave enough to try that."
Both laughed at that.
When Miyano woke up next, he was oddly relaxed.
Not in the way when he was in his bed after a long day of studying and finally got to crack open a new BL. When he was relaxed then, he could still feel every bone of his body as his limbs recharged for another day. Right now, he couldn't feel much other than a ghostly part of his mind that wanted him to float out of his chest. He was moving, but he could just barely tell he wasn't actually, it was just a bout of dizziness.
" Yoshi ."
Miyano looked around the dark cave. It was the first different voice since he discovered he was stuck in this confined prison with his fiancé. For a moment, he wondered if they were rescued, but then he saw her.
"Mom?" Miyano called out to the sitting figure of his mother next to him. She smiled down at him, stroking his cheek like she did whenever he was sick. She had that comforting smile that promised everything would be okay, her ghostly fingers barely grazing the boy's face.
Miyano couldn't help himself when he reached out for her. He almost cried, the sight of such a familiar face so comforting after spending so long without being able to see anything.
" Where were you?" His mom asked, her voice full of worry, " You almost made your mama cry, Yoshi. "
"I'm sorry," Miyano whispered, his voice almost giving out on him, "How did you find us?"
" Don't worry," His mom reassured without answering his question. She brushed his hair back and out of his face, her smile becoming strained, " You ' re going to be okay now. "
"Will we be?" Miyano asked genuinely. His mom didn't answer, instead standing and moving away. Confused, Miyano reached out, "Mom! Where are you-"
His hand went right through her and hit something. It was with horror that he realized it was the debris in their small cave, so close to him. Miyano froze.
It wasn't that close before. The last time he'd been able to stretch his arm out fully, now he was only half-extended. Another fearful fit hit his heart like a wave of wind ripping through. The cold air of the pocket suddenly felt freezing as cold sweat rolled down his forehead.
"Shuumei-san," Miyano whispered in terror. He didn't hear an immediate answer which only terrified him further. He called out again, "Shuumei-san? Shuumei-san, please."
"Sorry, Yoshikazu," Came the groggy voice Miyano was missing for just a moment. He sighed with relief as Sasaki cleared his throat, "What is it?"
"The walls are closing in."
There was a mild shuffling followed by a low gasp. Miyano could tell Sasaki had attempted to touch the rubble, too, based on the way his voice shifted to alarm when he said, "You're right."
That wasn't what Miyano wanted to hear. After he realized he was seeing things, he had hoped desperately that he was also imagining the closing distance between the tons of rubble above him and himself. He wished that Sasaki would have told him it felt the same instead of the confirmation he got. The only plus he could pick up from that devastating confirmation was that he was still lucid enough to be aware of his surroundings.
And Miyano was suddenly too aware.
The possibility that he would die in this hole was growing more by the minute. The dehydration, the rust he'd consumed, the hunger, his injury, the low air supply, and now the possibility of the walls collapsing and crushing them to death. Death was hovering above them, taunting them with his deep dark eyes, hungry for more souls. Miyano shivered, unsure if it was because of the cold air or from fear.
The worst thing, Miyano thought, was that in the case that he died before they could be rescued, how long would Sasaki be stuck with his body? How long would he be unable to let go when he was finally found?
Given his history of falling into depressive episodes in the time they'd been together, Miyano started to worry again. All the what-if scenarios snuck into his mind like a broken record, asking him all these things. The thing that stuck out the most above the loud whirring crowd of concerns was how Sasaki would take it. Miyano worried so much that when- 'if', he corrected himself- he died, how Sasaki would be able to move on. Never in their time together, or in Sasaki's time before Miyano that he's confided into him, had suicide been a concern. It never had been somewhere he'd gone, even when he'd been consumed by the lack of motivation to keep going, the deep-rooted urge to lay in bed so strong that Miyano had to help him up every day.
Sasaki had reassured him countless times that never once had he considered taking his own life when in an episode. Miyano believed him and he still did, but he also wasn't unaware. He knew that he was Sasaki's support system, pulling him out of his head ever since they first met. So if Miyano died, he feared…
"Shuumei-san," Miyano croaked, "Can you promise me something?"
Sasaki hummed, "What?"
"Promise me," Miyano started, mind already racing ahead of him. The mental image of his beloved grieving him hurt, but he needed to say it. He forced himself to say, "If I die down here, you'll move on and live your life to the fullest."
The choking sound that escaped his fiance’s throat wasn't something he was prepared for.
"You can't ask me that," Sasaki scolded in such a broken voice. He sounded sick, so sick he was crying but without the hydration to do so.
"Please, just-"
"No, you can't say that like you're giving up," Sasaki sobbed into his hair. It was like nails on a chalkboard the way he sounded so wrecked.
"I want to live," Miyano answered as calmly as he could himself, albeit it wasn't much. Sniffling, he shrugged, "I just… I don't want you to mourn me forever if…"
"Then promise me that you'll move on if I die," Sasaki retorted, arms gripping Miyano tighter even though neither could feel it anymore. Miyano's breath hitched in his throat and that same ugly feeling from before pounded against his chest.
"I can't-"
"Promise me you'll be happy again if I die," Sasaki insisted. Miyano shook his head violently. He couldn't accept it.
How could he accept that the love of his life might not survive? He couldn't. If he survived somehow and his partner didn't, Miyano would be destroyed. Everything he'd learned about himself and his lover through the years… Miyano didn't know how he could live with himself.
There was no way Miyano could return to their apartment and see all the things that were evidence of his partner's existence and not die. He would never be able to move on if the person, his support system throughout the years, suddenly vanished. It wasn't something Miyano could promise so easily.
"So you want me to promise something you can't do, either?" Sasaki's voice rang harshly. Miyano knew he had no right to be upset, so he just sighed.
"I don't think I can," Miyano answered. A heavy silence followed.
Neither could tell how long passed before anyone said anything. Miyano felt like the wind had been ripped away from him, the realization that Death could snatch either of them at any minute too strong. He finally decided to let go of his pride and called out, hoping Sasaki was still awake.
"Shuumei-san?"
"Yoshikazu."
The way he said his name, so softly despite sounding like someone took his throat through a cheese grater, sent a flurry of mixed emotions down Miyano's throat. He loved the man so much and wanted the absolute best for him. Yet here they were in a small enclosed death trap on what was supposed to be the happiest trip they'd taken together so far.
Despite himself, Miyano told him, "I'll promise to work through moving on if you die, but you have to promise me the same. I can't ever be at peace if I know I left you behind all alone. This isn't me giving up, I just…"
"I know," Sasaki answered, "I promise. I promise to find meaning in life again if you don't make it past this as long as you promise it, too. And this isn't me giving up, either."
"I love you, Shuumei-san," Miyano whispered into the air. Thinking back on their argument from before and the harsh way in which he spoke after lying about drinking, he added, "And I'm sorry. Not for bringing us here, but for being insufferable."
"You haven't been," Sasaki reassured him, but still added, "But I forgive you. And I'm sorry for being harsh with you."
"I forgive you, too."
"I love you, too, Yoshikazu."
After that, they chatted idly before going silent again and drifting off.
There was a park near Miyano’s childhood home that he would frequent back when he was in elementary school. He remembered when his mom would take him to play with other kids, only having to lightly urge him with the promise of an ice cream later. Back then, Miyano would be excited at the idea of stuffing his face away with anything containing sugar, probably what steered him away from sweets later in life. His mom would later laugh at him and tell him that was why she tried to limit his consumption, but Miyano would deny it having an effect on him until high school.
The park was located some blocks away from his house, in the middle of a residential area. The various benches and sheds to keep cover in during surprise rain showers were always a surefire comfort for younger Miyano. His mom could always be found waiting for him there. He remembered times when he would play from the moment he got home from school to the moment the sky was painted like a watercolor sunset, illuminating a warm and comforting glow on the distant form of his mother chatting with other neighborhood mothers by the bench.
There had been a time when that comforting glow that made her seem like an angelic presence was the only thing Miyano could see.
Once upon a time, Miyano had the habit of sneaking snacks into his play clothes to bring to the park with him. Despite his mother’s constant lectures to leave playtime for playtime and snack time for his designated snack times, he never listened. Of course, in a park with several energetic children, someone was bound to find out about his stash.
A blonde boy, standing only a few inches taller than himself, saw Miyano take a bite out of a chocolate bar once. He asked for a piece, but Miyano was already finished with it, so he promised to bring him a new one the next day. That day, the blonde boy wasn’t the only one to see him sneak in his snacks.
So for the rest of the week, Miyano couldn’t bring any more treats with him with his mother making him show her his pockets every day before leaving for the park. During the fifth day of this, the little boy who had been promised the chocolate simply huffed and let the ball Miyano tossed to him roll past him.
“Yoshikazu, I don’t want to play with you anymore,” The boy huffed in annoyance, “I’m going to play with Tanaka instead. He doesn’t break promises.”
“I told you my mom said I can’t bring candy anymore!” Miyano had protested. The boy simply scoffed and walked away.
As he left, the boy spat, “We aren’t friends anymore because you’re a liar.”
Miyano cried to his mom that night.
“Shuumei-san?”
Miyano’s voice cracked through the silence again, almost sounding like nails on a chalkboard with how raspy it was. He could hear his fiance’s shallow breaths just barely above the ringing in his ears. Miyano didn't know when his arms became so numb, the feeling capturing most of his abdomen, too. If he hadn't been able to talk to his beloved the moment they landed, he wasn't sure how he would ever know he was there.
"Yoshikazu?"
Hearing his voice made Miyano's heart hurt. It ached, a thousand needles poking at every vital artery, all while a million worries fought in his head. Taking as deep of a breath as he could muster through the dusty air that itched at his throat, Miyano reevaluated himself one last time.
He had to say it. He couldn't…
He couldn't leave Sasaki behind without saying it.
"If you have to break your promise, I'll forgive you."
Miyano's heart beat slowly in his chest. A new wave of serenity flowed throughout his body along with a fresh flush at hearing his own voice. It sounded like he was giving up, almost like he was going to….
"Mya-chan," Sasaki sighed, "Why?"
"Don't get me wrong," Miyano mustered out despite the painful drone in his ears, "I want you to keep your promise, but I don't want it to burden you."
Sasaki cleared his throat before he croaked, "Are you saying this because you're giving up or because you don't think you can keep yours?"
When Sasaki phrased it like that, it hurt. Thousands of stakes were stacked on top of each other inside Miyano, slashing away at his insides. The darkness in the room was like a cave of mockery, images of Sasaki grieving him plaguing Miyano's mind. He didn't want Sasaki to die, or to suffer because of him.
A more selfish part of Miyano couldn't bear the thought of his lover moving on from him. The sheer image of Sasaki in love with someone else after becoming so close to marrying him put a bitter taste in Miyano's mouth. He didn't just want Sasaki to be happy, Miyano wanted his fiancé to be happy with him. He felt ugly like he was the world's worst partner for thinking these things. After everything, Miyano still wanted Sasaki all to himself.
But if Sasaki couldn't be happy with him, Miyano wanted him to be happy regardless. So, despite it clawing at his insides like a hundred razor blades joined together, Miyano decided he didn't want to become Sasaki's burden. He wanted the love of his life to move on, but also didn't want him to only move on out of guilt. If Sasaki could never move on, Miyano didn't want the gentle man he grew to love with his entire soul to live with the guilt of breaking a promise so important for the rest of his life.
"A little bit of both," Miyano told him. He cleared his dry throat again, craving for the water from earlier to start dripping again, "But I'm mostly saying this as a precaution. I want you to keep your promise. I just don't want that promise to be a burden. So what I'm saying is that if you happen to break it, I forgive you. I'll understand."
"Well," Sasaki hummed, "Then the same goes for you. I don't want to be a plague to you if I don't make it out of this."
"Okay, Shuumei."
He couldn't make heads or tails of what was going on anymore. At one point, Miyano recalled seeing Hirano scolding him for his musings about the uke allegations. During that fit, Sasaki had been eerily quiet, not commenting on Miyano's sudden burst of BL rantings. Soon after, the raven recalled seeing Kuresawa, bloody and beaten, fresh from the fight.
Then it was the bookstore. He could smell the fresh pages and the new ink of the brand-new deliveries the owners had just stocked. He could feel the smooth cover of his preorder between his fingers, the watercolor texture washed out for reasons Miyano couldn't pinpoint. The book looked nice on his bookshelf, and then the image of his collection on the bookshelf in his new apartment with Sasaki that they'd just signed the lease for made his heart sing.
His mom visited him three more times. The first time, she reassured a confused Miyano that she had dinner ready for when he came back to collect his things. She then ruffled his hair although it strangely didn't move with her hand and then walked away to finish the gyoza wraps. Miyano had been unable to reach her as she'd scurried away too quickly for his hands, the only thing brushing his fingers being the concrete that was now only about a foot away from his face.
The second visit from his mother had been to ask him to bring her some souvenirs from their trip to Paris. Miyano laughed, reminding her that he'd never been to Paris. His mother laughed along, saying she must've been mistaken then asked him to bring Sasaki instead so she could take him shopping. Miyano had been embarrassed and asked her to stop trying to hog his fiancé for her evil schemes all the time. She didn't answer.
The third visit was so hazy like she was barely there. She kept asking, " When are you coming home, Yoshi? We miss you."
Miyano almost burst into tears at the last one if he hadn't been so dehydrated.
Sasaki had said his bout of strange things, too, during some of their passing slumbers. Once, Miyano heard him asking about the ring sizes available from someone. Another time, he heard his muttering about some stupid celebrity baker who didn't have a clue what she was doing. A few others were so unintelligible that Miyano couldn't make two and two of what was going on.
He couldn't tell anymore if his eyes were open or closed as Miyano, with a hazy mind, said, "We should go to Venice next time."
"Hmm?"
"I've always wanted to go."
A short, curt laugh. Right after, he heard, "Sounds nice and romantic. Let's go soon."
"Where'shd we get married?" Miyano slurred out. He chuckled weakly, "We never decided."
"Paris."
Miyano smiled.
"Why Paris?"
"It's the city of love and I love you."
"Let's get married in Paris, then," Miyano decided. Just seconds later, he drifted off again.
He couldn't feel anything anymore. Breathing was like an extreme sport, every breath coming out harder than the last. At the rate things were going, Miyano wasn't sure how much longer he could last. Going in and out of sleep, not ever fully being on either side took out too much from him.
"Sh'mei-san."
When Miyano didn't hear an answer, he figured Sasaki was still sleeping. He called out again just in case, but was met with the same results. Miyano listened, however with the loud ringing in his ears, the birds sitting on his chest chirping loudly, he couldn't hear anything.
Not the heartbeats that comforted him in the beginning, nor any sign of breathing. He couldn't feel the arms around his waist anymore, no more warmth. It was so cold, so lonely without being able to feel the familiar thumping of the chest under him. His hands were numb, so moving them was useless. He suddenly craved the touch of his lover, something he knew he wouldn't be able to have so long as he was like that. Miyano reached but gave up when he realized it was a useless move. No matter how much he searched, without two of his vital senses, he would never reach his fiance’s hand.
"Shuumei-san."
No response.
"Shuumei-san."
Miyano sighed. He let his head drop back onto the chest behind him and listened to the whales and the splashing at the beach. A smile tugged on his lips. His eyelids felt heavy again as he let his head rest on the rocky shore.
"Wake me up in five minutes, alright, Shuumei-san?"
He drifted off again.