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1
the first time zhang hao saw him, it was on stage.
zhang hao tended to stay away from school events that required him to be in a room with more people than he was comfortable with, but he promised gyuvin and yujin that he’d watch them perform at the spring showcase the dance department hosted every spring semester. he didn’t feel comfortable going by himself so he dragged taerae and ricky along with him.
it was a cool, chilly saturday evening in early april. hao stood outside the auditorium, waiting for taerae and ricky to meet him so they could sit together. he took out his phone and checked the time before sending a quick ‘good luck! you’ll do amazing, you have nothing to worry about’ text to both gyuvin and yujin before pocketing the device. he knew that gyuvin was a little nervous but yujin was a little ball of anxiety when hao saw him earlier in the day. being a freshman, this was yujin’s first spring showcase and to say he was nervous about tonight was an understatement. hao did his best to calm the younger down but he knew that the anxiety and adrenaline yujin was feeling would power him through his performances tonight.
taerae and ricky walked up to hao a couple minutes later, taerae apologizing profusely for the pair being late as he palmed a to-go cup from the local cafe they frequented into hao’s hands. hao lifted the cup to his lips and took a small sip, relishing how the hot drink almost immediately warmed up the chill in his body. he let out a soft sigh of content, hot chocolate. he thanked taerae for the drink and told him and ricky that they had nothing to worry about, he had only been standing outside for a few minutes. they walked into the auditorium and quickly found seats in the middle with a good view. they chatted for a few minutes before the showcase started, ricky complaining about how gyuvin had been so annoying these past few days because he dragged the blonde to every rehearsal and taerae telling them that he had a couple of other friends who were performing in the showcase. taerae’s friends didn’t know that he was coming and he was going to surprise them.
once the showcase started, hao sat back in his seat and crossed his legs, watching the variety of performances the dance department had prepared. the trio clapped for each performance but clapped a little harder whenever gyuvin and yujin performed. yujin performed amazingly, hao knew that the younger had nothing to worry about. he had heard about how hard gyuvin and yujin worked to prepare for this, and he was glad that all their hard work paid off. he was proud of them.
toward the end of the showcase, there was a solo performance that was going to be performed by the top student in the department.
zhang hao’s eyes followed as the performer walked across the stage. he looked so calm, so confident in himself. hao was drawn to him. he watched the performer get into his starting position, and then the music started to play.
hao couldn’t look away, not even for a second. he felt like his breath was caught in his chest, and he didn’t even know if he blinked throughout the entirety of the performance. he was mesmerized by how the performer moved, goosebumps arose on his skin. hao was in a trance, uncrossing his legs and he scootched to the edge of his seat, his forearms moving to lay on the armrests as he watched with wide eyes glazed over. like a sailor drawn to a siren’s song, he was sucked in, focusing on every little movement. hao felt his heart hammering in his chest and his head felt fuzzy. the two and a half minutes felt like too long and not nearly long enough at the same time. when the music faded and the performer finished, the auditorium erupted in applause. hao couldn’t move his hands to join the applause, he couldn’t move at all. he felt frozen in his own skin. he watched as the performer smiled widely and bowed, hao felt his heart skip a beat when he saw how bright his smile was. his eyes followed as he left the stage and hao let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in and he slumped back into his seat once the performer left his field of view. he blinked a couple of times to regain his composure, suddenly feeling winded. hao found himself wishing that he had grabbed a program before the showcase started so he could find out who had just taken his breath away.
the rest of the showcase flew by and suddenly hao found himself standing in the lobby of the auditorium with taerae and ricky. they were discussing which performances they liked the most. they were talking about a variety of performances but all hao could think about was the solo performance. it kept replaying in his head and just thinking about it was enough to give him goosebumps all over again.
“gyuvin and yujinie did an amazing job though, all of their hard work paid off.”
hao knew that ricky would never say that to gyuvin’s face, knowing that the taller brunette would just tease the blonde about it for weeks to come.
“oh here they come.”
hao’s head perked up at taerae’s voice, a small smile forming on his face as gyuvin and yujin walked over with two people he had never met before. hao assumed that they were taerae’s friends that he had also come to the showcase to see. they seemed surprised to see him, walking up with huge smiles on their faces and practically buzzing with excitement. taerae went up to them and gave them hugs, telling them that they did such a great job. hao hugged gyuvin and yujin, making sure to ruffle their hair a little bit with a smile. he told them they did great and he was so proud of them.
taerae, gyuvin, and yujin introduced hao and ricky to the other two members of the dance department they didn’t know. their names were gunwook and matthew. their smiles were like rays of sunshine and they seemed to fit in perfectly with the trio. hao suspected that he would be seeing a lot more of them and he was excited to get to know them better.
out of the corner of his eye, hao saw a small crowd forming. when he looked to his right, he saw the solo performer from earlier. he was holding a couple of bouquets of flowers and the people around him kept complimenting him on his performance. he heard gyuvin and ricky bickering about something like they always did but it sounded muffled, he was focused on the person who was across the room.
hao noticed that his ears and the apples of his cheeks were all red, probably from a combination of performing multiple numbers that evening as well as the amount of praise and compliments he was receiving. he still had a blinding smile on his face, giving a small bow and thanking everyone that spoke to him. he had the cutest dimples at the tops of his cheeks that resembled whiskers. hao couldn’t look away, he looked even more good looking up close.
“gyuvin-ah,” hao called out to gyuvin, his eyes still on the performer from earlier. gyuvin stopped bickering with ricky and looked at his hyung.
“what is it, hyung?”
it took hao a couple of seconds to respond, just watching the performer interact with the people around him. his lips suddenly felt dry and he nervously tugged at the sleeves of his sweater.
“who is that? i saw his performance earlier and it was really good,” he told the younger, his eyes not straying away.
gyuvin’s eyes followed where hao was looking and his eyes lit up in recognition.
“oh, hanbin hyung? i know his solo was amazing, i watched from backstage. he’s the top student in the department for a reason, he’s the best.”
hanbin. his name was hanbin. hao watched as hanbin stepped to the side to speak to a woman and a teenage girl, probably his family.
hao’s fingers froze from where they were fiddling with his sweater sleeve. gyuvin called hanbin ‘hyung’, they were close. close enough that gyuvin felt comfortable enough to drop ‘sunbae’ and use ‘hyung’ instead.
“do you want me to introduce you to him hao hyung? i’m sure he’s loving how people are telling him how great his performance was.”
hao’s heart began to hammer in his chest and his mouth felt dry, his fingers went back to fiddling and tugging at his sweater sleeves.
“no, gyuvin-ah. it’s okay.”
at that moment, hanbin looked up from speaking to his family and glanced around the room. his eyes found hao’s and the two made eye contact for what only could have been half a second, butterflies erupted in hao’s stomach.
hao teared his eyes away.
-
2
zhang hao was insane. certifiably insane.
his eyes glanced to the top left corner of his phone screen where it was lighting up his face in the dark.
3:45
it was almost 4am. hao was crazy.
it was times like this when he was glad the scholarship he landed gave him single instead of a double because if he had a roommate, his roommate would’ve killed him right now.
all he could hear was his own breathing, he blinked once, twice, three times before he finally came to his senses and turned off his phone. he set it down next to him and just stared at the ceiling in the dark.
it hadn’t been intentional. not at all. hao hadn’t meant to spend the last almost four hours diving down a rabbit hole, and the fact that he had to be up in four hours meant he was going to have a hellish day ahead of him.
it started when he got a notification around midnight when he was getting ready for bed. gyuvin had posted some pictures from the spring showcase that occurred a week ago and he had tagged hao in the post. hao got all comfy under the covers wearing his matching pajama set, his skincare done and freshly moisturized. he only meant to look through the pictures gyuvin posted, like the post, and leave a cute comment about how well the younger had done.
hao had done the first part of his plan, but never got around to doing the other two parts of the plan. he looked through the pictures with a smile on his face, until he got to one that he couldn’t look away from. it was a picture of gyuvin and hanbin. they were closer than hao thought they were. both boys were hugging each other tight with the biggest smiles on their faces and they held the stars in their eyes. hao clicked on the photo once and a tag for hanbin’s instagram popped up.
hao felt his heart pounding in his chest and the blood rushed to his ears. he clicked on hanbin’s username and he felt goosebumps rise to his skin when he was brought to his profile. it wasn’t private either, it was public. that’s where it started.
he scrolled through hanbin’s entire instagram feed. every. single. post.
he saw pictures of hanbin’s dogs, pictures from when hanbin worked at the cafe his mother owns, videos of him dancing, videos of him waacking and tutting, videos of him doing latte art on drinks at the cafe.
it didn’t stop there. zhang hao went to profiles of hanbin’s friends and looked at any pictures of hanbin he could find. he went on the university dance department’s instagram to find more videos of hanbin dancing and found the instagram account for the cafe his mom owns and looked at pictures from when hanbin worked there. he just kept clicking and scrolling and clicking and scrolling.
all of a sudden it was 3:45 in the morning and he was so deep into it that he was watching a video of hanbin from a waacking competition he had participated in when he was a freshman on a friend of hanbin’s page. they were both seniors now.
hao couldn’t believe what he had just done. he grabbed the large strawberry pillow that was next to him (gifted to him by ricky) and buried his face in it before letting out a loud groan. he felt like an idiot.
hao didn’t get any sleep at all that night, and ricky, taerae, gyuvin, and yujin had to deal with his pouty, whiny mood the whole day. whenever they asked hao why he was in a bad mood or why he didn’t sleep well that night, he just grumbled up some excuse and sipped a little harder on the iced americano he was drinking.
-
3
zhang hao ran his fingers through his hair, checking the time on his phone as he walked to one of the on-campus cafes that he visited almost daily along with everyone else. he went there every morning to get his morning coffee and often did work in the cafe instead of working in the library because he liked the ambience and the sounds of the cafe over the silence of the library.
it was wednesday. hao strategically left his afternoon’s on wednesdays open when making his schedule so he could grade everything from the class he TA’ed for to get back to his students on thursday before the weekend. he always hated when things took forever to be graded and vowed that he would never do that to his students.
he opened the door and walked into the cafe, breathing in the smell of espresso with a smile. he walked up to the counter and the worker smiled at him. hao was friendly with the majority of the staff here since he frequented often. he greeted the worker with a smile and ordered an iced vanilla latte and a slice of their strawberry cake, it was ricky’s latest obsession and he had gotten hao into it as well.
zhang hao handed over his punch card before paying for his items. he took back the punch card with a smile, his next drink was going to be a free one.
hao found a comfy corner booth and decided to set up there. he sat down and took out his laptop, his pencil case, and the folder of ungraded papers he had to go through from his messenger bag. he had a perfect view of the entire cafe from his seat.
hao had only been sitting there for a couple of minutes when he heard his name being called.
“hao-ssi~”
hao’s head perked up and he immediately froze in his seat.
his iced vanilla latte and his slice of strawberry cake were sitting at the handoff plane, and the person behind the counter who had made his drink was hanbin.
hao’s heart started racing as he watched hanbin go back to making drinks, talking and laughing with his coworkers.
hao had been coming to this cafe almost every day since he was a sophomore, how had he never noticed hanbin working here before. oh god, he’s going to have to start going to one of the other cafes on campus after today. he couldn’t come back.
hao waited until hanbin had his back turned and practically sped over to the handoff plane, grabbing his drink and the cake before going back to his table.
hao felt on edge, he felt like an exposed nerve. he couldn't concentrate at all, not when the person he had been thinking about nonstop for the past two weeks was in his general vicinity. and hanbin didn’t even know he existed. it was also a little embarrassing, to say the least.
every five minutes, hao found himself looking up and over the top of his laptop, watching hanbin work behind the counter. he kept sipping at his vanilla latte, just thinking about how he was drinking something that hanbin made. it made his face flush and his heart beat a little faster.
hao spent the next couple of hours in the cafe, willing himself to grade papers instead of getting distracted by hanbin working. the slice of cake slowly disappearing as well as the latte he had ordered. he had gotten himself focused enough to finish all the papers he needed to grade and had them ready to hand back out when he saw his students the next day.
hao took a deep breath and closed his laptop. he started packing up the rest of his things, slipping the folder with the graded papers and his laptop into his messenger bag. he stood up with a deep breath, glancing over to see if hanbin was still working behind the counter. he wasn’t, he must be on break.
hao waved to the barista behind the counter as he left, the only thought on his mind was how the free drink he had on his punch card would be going to waste. because there was absolutely no way he was coming back, not at all.
-
4
zhang hao let out a sigh as he closed the door to taerae and matthew’s dorm behind him. he leaned against the closed door and looked up at the ceiling, basking in the silence for a few seconds before he pushed himself off the door and began to walk down the hall towards the elevator.
hanging out with all six younger boys always drained the life out of him. he loved them to pieces and would always hang out with any of them if they asked, but being surrounded by so many extroverts depleted his social battery rapidly when he was with all of them together rather than if he was one-on-one with any of them.
hao clicked on the down button to the elevator and ran his fingers through his hair as he waited. he got into the elevator once it dinged and opened for him and rode it down to the lobby. he checked his phone as he walked out of the dorm, it was almost nine o’clock at night.
it was nearing the end of april, and it had warmed up slightly. hao felt comfortable walking around campus in a long sleeve and a cardigan, not feeling the need to wear even a light jacket anymore. hao closed his eyes momentarily as he walked, letting himself feel the cool spring breeze. instead of turning left to walk to his dorm, he turned right, walking towards the academic buildings.
he needed to clear his head, he felt like his thoughts were all jumbled up stuck in his brain and he couldn’t sort them correctly. and sometimes he felt like there was an itch under his skin he couldn’t quite scratch right. his mind felt like it was full and overflowing. he knew exactly what was causing him to feel like this, but coming to terms with it and accepting it gave hao so much anxiety.
zhang hao walked into the library, taking out his wallet and scanning his id before the little gate opened and allowed him to walk in. the library was open twenty four hours, and it was times like this where hao was extremely grateful that it was. he walked up the three flights of stairs to the top floor and walked all the way to the back left corner, where some of the oldest books in the library were.
hao didn’t know why he felt anxious about this. he had done it so many times but for some reason, his palms felt sweaty and clammy and he felt nervous in the pit of his stomach. he stopped walking and looked up, in front of him was a door with an emergency exit sign glowing red above it. what most people didn’t know was that this emergency door was broken and opened if you pushed on it a certain way.
hao pushed on the door in a specific spot and it opened with a click. he quickly walked in and quietly shut the door behind him. he walked down a small corridor, turned right, and walked up a staircase. he opened the door at the top of the staircase and was met with a cool breeze lightly hitting his face. he was on the roof of the library.
zhang hao closed the door behind him slowly with a soft click, took in a deep breath, and began walking forward, towards the front of the roof. hao loved just being up here in silence and looking at all of the other academic buildings that surrounded the library on campus. hao heard shuffling ahead of him and he immediately stopped in his tracks. someone else was here. hao’s heartbeat picked up in his chest and he felt anxiety in the pit of his stomach.
there was a storage closet up on the roof and hao creeped up to it, making sure that he didn’t make any noise as he put his hands against the wall and peeked around the corner. someone was leaning up against the railing that hao had leaned against so many times before. it was so quiet, the only sound coming from the leaves in the trees rustling due to the breeze.
the person looked off to the side and hao’s blood ran cold and his whole body froze. he recognized that side profile, it was the same side profile he had spent staring at that one night he stalked a certain somebody’s instagram account. it was hanbin.
hao quickly turned around and pressed his back flush against the wall. what was hanbin doing here? how did he know about this place? a million questions were running through hao’s head. it took everything for him to keep his breathing steady and not make a single sound, so as to not alert hanbin that he wasn't alone on this roof.
a phone started ringing and hao immediately jumped and fumbled for his phone in his pocket, thinking that it was his. it wasn’t his phone ringing, it was hanbin’s. hanbin picked up the phone.
“oh, jiwoong hyung!”
“no, i’m not doing anything right now. just had a lot on my mind. i went somewhere just to think it out.”
“no no i’ll come to you. you’re still in the studio right? i can keep you company while you work, maybe we can help each other out, you with what’s on my mind and me with your painting if you happen to get stuck.”
“do you want me to pick anything up on the way? it’ll just be you and me, the kids are hanging out together tonight and i don’t want to bother them. just don’t let gyuvinnie or gunwookie know they’ll get upset.”
hanbin chuckled.
“i’m on my way now, hyung. see you in like fifteen minutes.”
hao heard hanbin pick up a bag, most likely hanging up the phone in the process. he heard hanbin take in a deep breath and sigh before the other started walking. hao pressed his back against the wall, basically trying to turn himself into the wall, hoping hanbin won’t see him.
hao held in his breath, eyes wide as hanbin walked right past him, backpack slung over one of his shoulders, and over to the door that led back to the library. hao didn’t dare move or even breathe under hanbin closed the door behind him and he heard the other head down the stairs.
he let out a loud breath and practically fell to his knees, his legs suddenly giving out on him. hao sat on the floor with his back against the wall of the storage closet, leaning his head back. he stared up at the night sky in silence for a couple of minutes.
once he processed what just happened to him, he let out a dry chuckle.
“of course, this stuff would start happening to me. murphy’s law.”
hao was there well into the night, however; instead of coming to his thinking spot in order to sort out whatever feelings he felt towards hanbin and shove them deep, deep down into his being, his encounter with hanbin just left his brain feeling even more full, if that was even possible, and it left him thinking if he was doomed to forever run into hanbin coincidentally on campus.
-
5
zhang hao tugged at the sleeves of his yellow cardigan. once again he was standing outside waiting for his friends to get there. to be fair, hao always got somewhere at least fifteen minutes before the scheduled meeting time because he couldn’t help himself.
it was the middle of may now, and between hao preparing for finals and for the recital he was going to be a part of at the end of the month as well as preparing his own students for their finals, he also made time to come support ricky and the art department for their gallery showcase.
hao heard some loud voices walking towards him and instantly knew it was his rowdy group of kids. he looked up and saw gyuvin, yujin, taerae, matthew, and gunwook walking towards him. gyuvin came up to him and gave him a tight hug, hao smiling at the taller boy.
the group of energetic boys all but dragged zhang hao into the gallery, hao reminding them that they needed to be quiet. that didn’t stop them from whispering to each other semi-quietly about the art they were looking at and their thoughts about certain pieces. yujin just kept looking at the gallery pieces with a look in his eyes that were kind of glazed over, tilting his head a little bit as if he didn’t understand what he was looking at or what to make of it.
hao quietly walked around the gallery, his eyes gazing at all of the pieces on display. at some point, he separated from the group as he wandered. after a few minutes, he found where ricky’s art was on display. he stopped in front of where three paintings of flowers were hanging side by side.
hao smiled as he looked at the paintings, they were beautiful. he could tell ricky worked so hard on them, the perfectionist that the blonde was.
“do you like them, hao ge?”
zhang hao hadn’t heard ricky coming up to him, but when he glanced to the left the blonde was standing right next to him. he smiled at the younger and placed a hand on his shoulder.
“they’re beautiful, rui. i can tell you worked extremely hard on them. i’m so proud of you.”
hao spoke in mandarin, lightly rubbing at ricky’s shoulder as he spoke. he could see ricky’s eyes sparkle a bit at the praise and the corners of his lips became upturned.
“thank you hao ge, that means a lot to me. i’m planning on sending them to my mom when the semester is over.”
“i know she’ll love them, rui. she’ll probably have them hung in the dining room or in the living room.” hao chuckled, looking back at the paintings in front of him.
the two chinese boys stood in silence, just admiring ricky’s work before they heard the others come towards them. ricky’s cheeks flushed up at the praise he started receiving from the others, immediately becoming shy. the blonde lightly rubbed at the back of his neck and looked down sheepishly.
gyuvin walked in front of ricky, cupped the other’s face in his hands, and made ricky make eye contact with him, softly mumbling how proud he was of ricky and how all of his hard work paid off. gyuvin was the only person who knew exactly how ricky had put his heart and soul into the three paintings, having spent countless nights in the art studio with the blonde, making sure he took breaks and ate and didn’t overwork himself.
“oh. ricky-ah!”
someone called out to ricky and ricky pried himself away from gyuvin’s grasp, looking to see who said his name. hao looked over and saw someone with black hair, a pretty smile, and friendly eyes. he was handsome.
“hi jiwoong-hyung.” ricky waved him over.
why did that name sound familiar to hao? jiwoong…he doesn’t think he’s ever met someone with that name before but he didn’t know where he had heard it before.
jiwoong came over and introduced himself to the rest of the group. ricky and gyuvin seemed familiar with him already. jiwoong was a senior in the arts department, and he had many pieces on display tonight. taerae immediately jumped into conversation with the older, being the extrovert that he was.
conversation immediately started flowing, but hao being the introvert he was kind of just stood off to the side and let everyone else talk about the gallery and what they liked and didn’t like.
jiwoong looked like he spotted someone he knew and called out to them.
“hanbin-ah!”
hao froze up. hold on, there’s no need to be anxious. hanbin can be a fairly common name, there’s probably lots of people on campus named hanbin. it doesn’t mean that it had to be the hanbin that hao had been trying, and failing miserably, to avoid after seemingly falling in love with him at first sight.
hao looked up and his heart dropped to his stomach, quickly turning around so his back was towards the group. oh my god, it was that exact hanbin. all the puzzle pieces suddenly clicked together in his mind. when hao had run into hanbin on the roof of the library, the other had gotten a phone call from jiwoong.
hao had to get out of here. he couldn’t be here any longer.
as hanbin made his way to the group, hao gently tugged on gyuvin’s sweater. the younger turned to look at him, a concerned look in his eyes.
“i just missed a call from my mom,” hao lied. “i’m going to head outside to call her back. i’ll catch up with you guys later, okay?”
hao had always been such a bad liar, and by the look on gyuvin’s face, he knew the younger could tell instantly that he wasn’t telling the truth. but he let it slide. he gave hao a look that meant they would talk about this later but nodded nonetheless.
zhang hao turned and started walking towards the entrance of the gallery, his heart beating a mile a minute. as he walked away, he heard the sounds of introductions and laughter as the group of eight he left behind started to converse.
hao took in a deep breath once he was finally outside, finding a bench to sit on. he sat there in silence for a minute before he buried his head in his hands. what was he doing? he felt like such an idiot. all of this because he didn’t want to be introduced to the guy who had been occupying his mind for the past month and a half. because he knew he wouldn’t be able to hide how he felt, because he was afraid of accepting the possibility of what these feelings would lead to, because he was in his head. he hadn’t spoken to anyone about hanbin or what he felt the night of the dance showcase. like lots of other emotions and feelings, he had decided to just shove them deep inside instead of confronting them head-on.
but the consequences of avoiding his feelings had been something he hadn’t thought about. he didn’t go to his favorite cafe on campus anymore, and having given his fully punched punch card to ricky so the blonde could get a strawberry latte, he started going to one of the other cafes instead so there wasn’t the chance of running into hanbin. he had lost his thinking space, the roof of the library. the possibility of running into the other there freaked him out so much that he hadn’t been since he coincidentally went there the same night hanbin was there. and now, here he was, on a night when he was supposed to be with ricky and with his friends to celebrate the success of the gallery, he was outside by himself. all because whenever he saw hanbin, his body seized up and his brain told him to run.
hao was so deep in his thoughts that he hadn’t heard someone walk up to him and sit next to him.
“hao ge? is everything alright?”
it was ricky.
zhang hao looked up to find the blonde looking at him with concern and worry. hao felt tears well up in his eyes and he blinked them away. tonight was supposed to be about ricky and instead, the younger was sitting next to hao because he knew something wasn’t right.
“i’m fine rui, i promise. just needed some fresh air.” he gave the other a forced closed-mouthed smile. ricky raised an eyebrow and narrowed his eyes a little. oh no, he annoyed the cat.
“me and you both know that you’re a horrible liar, ge. and something’s been bothering you for a while now i could tell. i was just waiting for you to talk to me or taerae or even gyuvin about it. you always seem like you’re on edge lately and i hate that you’re keeping to yourself instead of relying on us to help you or even talk it out. you don’t have to talk to me about it tonight because tonight is about me and we’re about to go eat some delicious hot pot, but tomorrow me and you are sitting down and we’re talking this out.”
hao just stared at ricky as he spoke. if ricky knew that he had been off lately then chances were that everyone else knew too, because hao was an open book. he had gone through so much to try and hide what he was feeling so no one would think anything was wrong but that ended up doing the exact opposite of what he intended.
hao’s eyes softened a bit and he gave ricky a small smile. “of course, rui. i’m sorry for making you worry about me.”
ricky gave hao a heart shaped smile. “it’s okay, ge. and to be honest it was getting a bit too stuffy in there for me anyways. let’s just stay out here for a while.”
ricky and hao stayed sat on the bench, just talking about things, most of them revolving around zhang hao’s recital that was happening in a couple of weeks. hao felt a little better just talking to ricky, the younger always knew how to make him feel better. when the rest of the group exited the gallery, sans jiwoong and hanbin, they went to this spot that was known for their hot pot and hao was able to spend the rest of the night without thinking about his feelings for hanbin.
-
+1
zhang hao wiped his sweaty palms on his dress pants, taking in a deep breath. he was standby, waiting for his turn to step onto the stage. he could feel his heartbeat in his ears and he felt anxiety sitting in the pit of his stomach.
it was the end of may, and today was the day of the recital for students in the classical music department. hao had already performed a couple of times tonight, having been apart of group pieces, but because he was at the top of his class he got to perform a solo towards the end of the recital.
hao always got extremely anxious before performing solo pieces, even though he had done it hundreds of times before. he knew he was good, he had the grades and the awards to prove it. it still didn’t make his anxiety any better whenever he had to stand on stage by himself.
he gripped onto the neck of his violin a little tighter, trying to focus on calming his racing heart. he knew this piece like the back of his hand. he had spent countless nights in the practice room, practically injecting the sheet music into his bloodstream. the music was drained into him, he knew it was.
time moved too quickly, and soon it was time for him to go onstage. it was now or never, he was doing this.
zhang hao walked out onto the stage, suddenly feeling hot under all of the stage lights. it was absolutely silent, the only sound being heard was the sound of the heels of hao’s dress shoes as he walked to center stage. he couldn’t see in front of him out into the audience, the lights were too bright, but he knew everyone was out there in the audience supporting him. he couldn’t feel them, but he could somehow sense them and their support.
hao looked over to his accompanist sitting at the piano, giving her a small smile and a nod. he looked out into the lights in front of him and took one last deep breath, lifting his bow and his violin. he closed his eyes and let out the breath he was holding before he began to play.
he felt the music flowing through him. this was good, a great strong start. he felt his fingertips against the strings and the grip he had on his bow. the sound of the accompaniment was drowned out and all he could hear was his own playing. hao felt his heartbeat calm and he opened his eyes, basking in the familiar comfort he often felt while playing the violin. the corners of his lips upturned in a small smile as he continued to play. he was in his element, he felt at home.
zhang hao put all of the anxiety he had felt leading up to the performance into his playing. he wanted all of the negative emotions to be carried away on the music coming from his violin, reaching the people in the audience. he found himself thinking about hanbin, and all of the frustration and stress that he felt due to denying his feelings for the other. all of that frustration and stress, he put it into the music. towards the end of the piece he felt himself tearing up, the release of all the emotions he had been holding in for so long catching up to him.
he felt himself playing the last note in his solo, he felt like it happened too fast but also wasn’t fast enough. there was a beat of silence before the crowd burst into applause for him. he got a standing ovation, the volume of the applause making his ears ring.
hao felt a lump in his throat and tried his best to blink away the tears in his eyes, he took a deep breath and bowed before gesturing to his accompanist so she could bow as well. hao bowed deeply one last time before walking off stage and into the wings. people backstage were clapping for him as well and letting him know how he did such a good job and how his performance was amazing, but it was going in one ear and out the other.
hao’s chest felt incredibly tight and his knees felt wobbly, he still had that lump in his throat. he gripped onto the neck of his violin and his bow as he all but burst into the hallway, he saw a sign for a storage closet and he yanked it open, closing the door behind him. his back hit against the door as he closed it and he felt his legs give out as he started to sob hysterically, practically cradling his violin in his lap as he curled in on himself. he let himself feel all of the emotions he had been holding in for so long.
hao didn’t know how long he cried in the storage closet for, the sleeves of his black dress shirt wet and his nose running once he calmed down. he leaned his head back against the door and took in a few deep breaths. hao got up on shaky legs, holding his violin in his right hand as he searched the storage closet for some paper towels. once he found some, he ripped out a couple of pieces to blow his nose and dab at his wet eyes, throwing the paper towel into a waste bin.
he gave himself a couple of minutes before opening the door of the storage closet. the recital must have finished while he was crying in the storage closet because the hallway was flooded with students who had performed and their friends and family. he quickly walked out and closed the door behind him. as he walked down the hallway towards the lobby hoping to find his friends, people started to recognize him.
he was flooded with praise from all angles, people telling him his playing was beautiful and that it gave them goosebumps. hao smiled and thanked everyone who came up to him, his cheeks flushing as he smiled shyly. a couple bouquets of flowers were shoved in his arms and he started having some trouble carrying the flowers as well as his violin.
it took him a few minutes but he eventually made his way to the lobby. he glanced around, trying to find the group of rascals he loved and appreciated so much.
“hao hyung!”
hao’s head snapped to the right and he saw gunwook standing there with everyone, sans gyuvin. he smiled widely and made his way through the crowd of people, immediately being brought into a hug from matthew.
“hao hyung you did such an amazing job. when you started playing, the whole auditorium was silent and everyone was just watching you like they were entranced. i was on the edge of my seat the whole time and i had goosebumps.” matthew told the older, giving him a bright smile that could compete with the sun.
hao chuckled and thanked him, he looked at everyone else, hoping that they couldn’t tell that he had been crying.
“ricky kept telling me how incredible your violin playing was, but seeing it in person and experiencing it was something else.” jiwoong commented, over the course of the past couple of weeks he found himself fitting in with their group more, and hao liked having a hyung he could turn to if he needed it.
“thank you, jiwoong hyung.” hao said sincerely, giving the older a soft smile.
“these are for you but you have your hands full already so i’ll hold onto them for you.” yujin mentioned sheepishly, holding onto a rather comically large bouquet of flowers, hao looked at the youngest fondly.
hao turned to ricky, “rui did you-” he couldn’t even finish his sentence.
“i recorded the entire thing hao ge, and i already sent it to your mom.” ricky reassured the older, holding hao’s violin case. hao visibly relaxed at ricky’s words.
“thank you rui.”
the group conversed for a bit more when hao started to notice gyuvin’s absence. normally he would’ve jumped to give hao a hug and smother him in compliments the moment he walked over. he opened his mouth to ask where he was when he heard someone behind him.
“there you guys are. we were looking for you, hao hyung.”
it was gyuvin.
a smile broke onto hao’s face as he turned to face the other, not fully processing the younger’s words until he had already turned around.
wait, we?
gyuvin was right behind him, the biggest smile on his face as he jumped forward to do exactly as hao expected. he smothered the older in a hug and gave him all the compliments he could muster.
but standing right behind gyuvin, was hanbin.
hanbin, who seemed frozen in place and was looking at hao like he had placed all of the stars in the sky.
hanbin, whose cheeks seemed to flush up the same way they were at the end of the dance showcase when he and hao made eye contact as gyuvin pulled away.
hao also felt himself freeze up, two bouquets of flowers being held in his left arm and his violin in his right hand. blood rushed to his ears and his heart started racing. hanbin was right in front of him and he wasn’t running away.
“oh, i should probably introduce you two” gyuvin realized. “hanbin hyung, this is hao hyung. hao hyung, this is hanbin hyung. you guys are both seniors but hao hyung, you’re one year older than hanbin.”
there were a couple beats of silence as hanbin and hao just stared at each other.
“your playing was beautiful.” hanbin spoke first.
hao felt like he was going to pass out.
“thank you. i remember seeing you at the dance showcase. you’re a really talented dancer.”
“you were at the showcase?” hanbin’s cheeks flushed more, if that was even possible. his blush now reached the tips of his ears. hao thought it was adorable.
hao smiled. “i was. your dancing had me on the edge of my seat the entire time.”
hanbin smiled sheepishly, the dimples at the tops of his cheeks popping out. hao’s heart skipped a beat.
“i could say the same thing about you tonight. i’ve never been more enthralled by something like your playing. you were beautiful on stage.”
hao felt his knees go a little weak. hanbin thought he was beautiful.
“i’m glad we finally got to meet, gyuvin and yujin had always talk about their ‘hao hyung’ and how they think we would mesh well together.”
hao felt like he couldn’t breathe, but in the best way.
“i know this may seem a little straightforward, and i know we just met. and i know we’re probably both going to be busy with finals and graduation around the corner so you can totally say no if you don’t want to,” hanbin was rambling, he started anxiously rubbing at the back of his neck and he looked down, not being able to make eye contact with the older.
hanbin looked up and made eye contact with hao. hao felt like his heart was going to leap out of his chest.
“i was just wondering if you wanted to go on a date sometime.”
was this a dream? was hao dreaming? was his brain playing some sick joke on him?
hao moved his left arm holding the bouquets of flowers a little to the right and pinched his right forearm. okay, he was definitely not dreaming. this was happening.
zhang hao felt butterflies erupt in his stomach and suddenly it felt like it was only the two of them, just hanbin and hao.
hao smiled at hanbin with flushed cheeks. he felt like he was going to cry again, but for all the right reasons.
“i’d love nothing more than to go on a date with you, hanbin.”