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He lies on his side in bed, listening to the small raindrops hitting the window, while staring at the blank screen of his phone. He has spent about fifteen minutes trying to control his breathing through slow inhalations and exhalations to ward off another possible panic attack.
It had been a week since he found out Suho had woken up.
The initial feeling of shock had been followed by one of such abrupt and intense relief that he had lost composure for a moment and ended up bursting into tears before the patient silence of assistant Park on the other end of the phone.
'I just wanted you to know' He had said shortly afterwards, his tone leaving him clear that if he contacted him again, it would not be to discuss that topic. Both were aware that Suho was something that had to be settled, and Beomseok wanted to honor that implicit agreement.
But it was impossible for him; since he had met him, Suho had entered his mind and made a permanent place for himself with astonishing ease. Beomseok thought of him all the time, subjecting his body and mental state to continuous torture.
Sometimes the guilt was so overwhelming and overpowering that it prevented him from breathing, and when he regained consciousness of where he was, he lay on the floor in a fetal position with a dull pain in his chest.
He continually wonders if Sieun will be with him while deliberately trying to ignore the burning of resentment at the possible certainty that Youngyi might be.
Before Suho woke up, he had spent days watching Sieun's chat as his fingers moved over the keyboard and wrote a text that wasn't even close to being able to express what he really wanted to say, but he ended up deleting it every damn time.
When he remembered his expression of helplessness while he had him against the ground and how he had walked away without giving him the punch he craved and deserved, Beomseok lost all willpower to press the send button.
Finally, he stretches his arm and grabs the phone between his fingers, sliding the L-shaped pattern so that the screen comes back to life once more.
Suho's face spread across several photos on his Instagram welcomes him, and he refreshes it hoping to see something different from the images he already knew by heart, seeking tangible proof that would demonstrate and assure him that everything was fine, that Park had not lied to him to prevent him from causing irreversible harm to himself.
Deep down, he believes he hasn't done it because he suspects that his father's threat to hire someone to get rid of him treacherously would eventually come true, and the idea didn't even scare or displease him
Sometimes he found himself fantasizing about how it would happen and what he would feel, what it would be like to finally extinguish the agonizing pain that had accompanied him all his life and had consumed him forcefully in recent months.
Would anyone miss him? He lets out a defeated laugh that clashes unpleasantly with the silence around him. The last thing he sees before sleep overcomes him is Suho's smile behind the screen.
-
"I need it, Park."
"No."
A month and a half had passed, and he still hadn't heard from Suho, and he felt physically sick for that one reason; he had been convinced in his head for a while that he had to see him in person, to confirm it. Assistant Park had offered to send him information and photos to ease his obsession, but to Beomseok, anything other than seeing him face to face seemed insufficient.
"My father couldn't care less about what happens to me as long as I don't cause trouble" He tries to convince him. "Everyone who's keeping an eye on me in the Philippines follows your orders because you're in charge of watching over me. I'll go and come back in a day, he won't even notice."
"That guy won't want to see you."
He swallows nervously as his fingers tense over the phone held close to his ear.
"Please" Only if he could explain how his feelings were slowly eating him up inside. Seeing Suho wasn't a whim; it was a necessity. "I won't cause any trouble."
"No" Park's voice is calm. "Do yourself a favor and do him a favor. Move on with your life, Beomseok."
He laughs again in that tired and apathetic manner. He couldn't remember the last time something genuinely made him laugh; probably it was at some point when Suho said something stupid and he exchanged a knowing look with Sieun before the latter's expression made him burst into laughter.
His mind usually silences the voices in those memories as a self-preservation measure. He had hoped that perhaps if he could forget how they sounded, perhaps someday he could also forget their faces.
That hope had shattered with Suho's awakening.
"You don't understand. I can't move on, I'm stuck; he's in my head day and night" Like how he had repeatedly hit him after kicking his head, his inert body on the ground as they pulled him away from him. "I just have to see him once more. And it'll be over."
The reaction Suho might give him when he sees him would replace in his mind the last image he had of him in that gym. He would settle for anything that could replace that image.
"I'll cause a commotion here if I don't get what I want" He says in a last resort against Park's silence. "He'll have to kill me to shut me up. I won't stop until he does."
On the other end of the line, there's a sigh of tiredness.
"Are you listening to yourself?"
"Please."
He hears an impatient click of the tongue followed by an eternal silence before Park responds again:
"Fine."
-
His fingers grip the car door handle but remain unmoved, waiting for his heart to stop pounding so hard. Beside him, he feels Park's gaze.
"We still have time to turn back."
His cowardice screams for him to take the easy way out that's offered, but the rest of him gravitates towards Suho.
"No" He responds, then takes a deep breath and finally opens the door.
"I'll be nearby" Park warns him. "Don't do anything stupid, Beomseok. I trust you."
Beomseok doesn't feel deserving of anyone's trust, yet he nods before closing the door behind him and slowly walking away, each step becoming more hesitant in the night illuminated by streetlights.
Park had informed him that Suho had returned to work at his old job, only serving tables as the doctors had advised against using the motorcycle. He pretended that hearing the latter hadn't turned his stomach; to what extent had Suho's life been restricted? Would it be permanent?
It takes him a few minutes to approach the door of the establishment when he spots it from afar. Memories of his time spent inside that place swirl in his mind so suddenly that he can almost taste the meat he had tried so many times with his two friends.
"Calm down" he tells himself more than once before opening the door and stepping inside.
The lively hustle of a nearly full venue overwhelms his ears within seconds, but his longing to see him makes it seem like a muffled background noise. His eyes search for him and quickly find him; he instantly recognizes his figure dressed in the familiar red shirt adorned with white letters stretching across his back.
He catches a glimpse of his smile when he turns slightly towards a customer who is saying something to him above the noise, and Beomseok feels like he's running out of air for a moment.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
He turns his head to meet Youngyi's incredulous gaze. No matter how much time has passed or how many times he's wondered if he rushed or was mistaken with her, a profound feeling of rejection awakens in his body when he sees her again.
"You have no shame at all. Get out of here" Beomseok jerks his arm away abruptly when grabbed with the intention of directing him towards the exit. He notices that they're attracting some customers' attention but the noise doesn't stop.
He returns his gaze to Suho at the same time Suho looks over his shoulder and sees him.
Beomseok feels time come to a standstill.
Suho watches him as if he's seeing a ghost and his bright smile slowly fades as he realizes his mind isn't playing tricks on him.
"Damn psychopath. I'll call the police" He hears Youngyi say, but he couldn't care less about what she says as his eyes remain fixed on Suho.
"Excuse me, is everything okay?" A customer asks, and Suho's gaze shifts away from Beomseok to take in the whole scene, probably realizing they're on the brink of making a scene.
Beomseok feels his legs shaking as Suho starts walking in his direction.
"It's all right" Suho smiles at the customer before looking at Youngyi. "Take care of things for a moment, I won't be long. It's fine" He repeats when she's about to protest, silently asking her not to insist.
Then he passes by Beomseok towards the exit, muttering a curt "Let's go outside."
Beomseok forces himself to walk to follow him, avoiding Youngyi's murderous gaze.
Suho leads him to an alley near the shop, secluded and far from prying ears. Beomseok follows him like a robot, totally unaware of his body and mind's control.
"What do you want?" He asks when he turns towards him, keeping a prudent distance. It's the closest he's been to him in months, yet he'd never felt him so far away - "I already told your father's lackey he can keep his money. I won't say anything."
Park hadn't told him about that detail, and he clenches his fists with anger when he hears it. It's no wonder his father tried to silence Suho, but knowing for sure deeply displeases him.
"No. I don't—" He forces himself to stop and inhale and exhale slowly to calm down because his tongue is tied, and he feels unable to communicate. He had spent the last month fantasizing about the moment of having Suho in front of him, and reality far surpasses him - "I don't know anything about that."
"Then what do you want?" He asks as soon as he finishes speaking, with a tense posture and a distant look, as if every second passing in front of him were a countdown.
"I wanted to see you" He says with his heart in his throat. Suho stares at him and then looks to the side, smiling with tight jaws as if he had heard an absurd joke. Beomseok doesn't miss the recent scar on his temple.
"Okay" He nods when he looks back at him in a vague and condescending gesture, as if he were humoring someone who wasn't in their right mind - "You've seen me. Now I have to get back to work, I'd appreciate it if you didn't come back in."
In times past, such an attitude and expression would have filled him with fury and resentment; he would have interpreted it as a disdainful mockery from a Suho who looked down on him. Now, he was able to see clearly that all Suho wanted was to get rid of him as quickly as possible in the most correct and calm manner.
It was clear that Suho believed a wrong response would unleash his unpredictable and volatile temper again, especially concerning him. Suho must assume that the harm he had caused didn't have to be the end and counted on the possibility of further reprisals, backed by his father's power. It nauseated him to think that Suho might believe he was after more, that nearly killing him hadn't been enough. There was no clearer sign than that that he had completely lost the hope he had of Beomseok coming to his senses again.
"I'm not here to hurt you, Suho" He steps forward with the need to be closer to him, to express through his body language and words that he regrets everything that happened. He can't help but feel pain when Suho takes a step back. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
He would give anything to turn back time; he would stand in front of himself and shake himself forcefully, forcing himself out of the whirlwind of feelings of inferiority, jealousy, and anger. He had wanted to have Suho all to himself as much as he had wanted to sink him and humiliate him.
He had completely lost his mind and hadn't been the same since.
"What do you want me to say?"
"Please, Suho" At least he needs him to believe, that flashes of a red and black jacket soaked in blood often filled his nightmares and his conscience.
"Tell me what you want to hear, and I'll say it. If that makes you disappear, I'll do it."
"Just be honest" Just like he had wished with Sieun, he wished he would unleash his hatred on him, that he would beat him to a pulp.
"Honest?" A spark of impatience and disbelief in his gaze breaks his facade of feigned calm, and Beomseok suppresses the impulse to take another step forward, seeking closeness. "I don't give a fuck if you're sorry, Beomseok. If you really were, you wouldn't be here forcing me to listen to your pathetic rambling."
He doesn't care if he belittles or insults him; unconsciously, he seeks it.
"I'm so relieved you're alive" he can't help but think as he watches him look at him with contempt.
"You know where he is, don't you?" Suho asks him and then lets out another annoying smile as he shakes his head seeing that Beomseok doesn't understand him. "Sieun had a bright future, Beomseok. Now because of us, that's been cut short; he spends his days among thugs, and my weakness doesn't allow me to help him. I don't know how long it will take for me to get better so I can do it."
The information falls heavily on his shoulders.
Park had informed him that they had transferred Sieun to another school, but he hadn't specified that it was a dump of a school. As always, he kept from him anything that might prompt him to act defiantly.
He recalls all the punches, taunts, and insults from the bullies who harassed and followed him everywhere day after day, and he feels the urge to curse out loud at the thought. Sieun wasn't like him; he had admirable resilience and mental strength, but he was far from deserving to live through that hell.
His distress must be clearly evident in his expression because Suho looks at him with resigned and tired pity.
"Why, Beomseok?" He asks, and instantly the helpless face of Sieun asking him the same question comes to mind.
He couldn't answer Sieun because he himself didn't know how he had been capable of reaching that extreme, especially with Suho, who hadn't inflicted even a tenth of the damage he had endured throughout his miserable life.
But time had been putting everything in its place and clarifying his mind.
"You didn't follow me on Instagram" Saying it out loud makes him feel like a child throwing a tantrum and crying in the middle of a supermarket because his parents haven't bought his favorite candy. He squeezes the edge of his shirt tightly between his fingers with burning embarrassment when he sees the confusion in Suho's eyes.
"What?" Suho's face shows bewilderment, probably wondering why something as trivial as a social media platform has been brought up in the conversation.
Beomseok gathers all the courage he can muster to keep speaking because he knows that if he stops, he won't be able to reciprocate with the same sincerity that he has asked of Suho.
"You didn't follow me on Instagram; I observed obsessively for days, waiting for proof that the affection I was feeling for you was mutual..." There's a small lump in his throat that he hopes won't grow any bigger. "And then Youngyi appeared."
"This is..." Suho lets out a laugh in the form of a short exhale while shaking his head again, as if finding it hard to believe what he's hearing. "I don't even remember seeing a friend request from you. If there were barely more than five photos, it was because Youngyi insisted on uploading them; I rarely paid attention to that."
Knowing now with certainty that his paranoia had only been that, a product of an imagination that tended to disdain and belittle him, makes him want to break down in tears.
He had ruined everything over a mere assumption.
"Is that all? That I didn't follow you on Instagram?"
"Then Youngyi appeared" He continues, feeling increasingly exposed. "And her presence in our friendship made me feel excluded, used, and... jealous."
Suho's ironic expression loses some of its intensity when he hears this, and once again, he blinks with a spark of confusion dancing in his eyes.
Beomseok doesn't believe he's ever felt so vulnerable in his life, not even when he was lying on the ground while his bare back was repeatedly struck by the man he was supposed to call father.
“What I felt for you had me on cloud nine; when we spent time together the three of us, when we were alone… It didn't matter, any moment with you was by far the best part of my day. I admired you and the thought that someone like you could appreciate and value me made me very happy.”
Suho watches him in silence and Beomseok struggles to hold his gaze.
“When the idea that you were using me and only saw me as a lackey got into my head… Those feelings started to take on a twisted and repulsive form, poisoning me from the inside; earning your respect, hurting you… it became an obsession.”
Suho looks away from him shortly after, assimilating what he's trying to tell him without having used the words that would have more clearly and harshly defined what Beomseok felt for him.
“I'm sorry, Suho. I really am” His voice breaks slightly as silent tears stream down his cheeks. He quickly wipes them away from his skin with the back of his hand.
He doesn't want to give him the opportunity to show rejection or feel obligated to handle him with tact after everything that has happened. Beomseok doesn't deserve it, and he doesn't want his pity either.
“Can you forgive me?” He asks, with the weight of sadness in each of his limbs.
Suho looks at him again, with restraint evident both in his expression and posture. He seems to need a moment to respond, and Beomseok is unable to discern what he's thinking.
“Perhaps. Someday” He nods but speaks again before Beomseok can misinterpret his words, “But I can't give you more than that.”
Beomseok wants to reply 'I understand, don't worry' but the words don't come out.
“I don't want to hold a grudge, that's not me” Suho tells him, and his gaze has softened but still remains distant, far from the warm glow he always seemed to carry before. “But I won't lie to you; there's no chance of any semblance of a relationship between us ever again. I can't.”
“It's okay” He forces himself to respond this time.
He understands, he knows; he doesn't deserve a second chance, but that doesn't lessen the pain.
Suho watches him in silence and briefly looks away as he takes a breath, as if this time he's the one who needs to force himself to speak again.
“I have to get back to work, Beomseok.”
Beomseok knows that's the farewell and he needs to look at the ground before nodding a couple of times. He closes his eyes as Suho passes by his side and bites his lip, trying to suppress the torrent of emotions inside him.
-
"Are you okay?" Park asks when he gets into the car.
The lack of response from Beomseok indicates that he's not going to get anything but silence, and with a sigh, he signals to the driver to continue on their way to the airport.
Beomseok rests his head on the headrest as he watches people pass by through the window. He feels numb and very, very tired.
Gradually, he loses sight of the streets filled with memories as he resigns himself to his fate.