Chapter Text
When Natsu joined the guild, he had stars in his eyes and hope in his heart. As a naive child who has just been abandoned, gone through hell and back, he was instantly sucked in by Makarov words.
“Fairy Tail never leaves our own behind, for them to struggle, to fight with no one watching their back, and we will always offer a warm, loving acceptance for anyone who enters these doors.”
What a load of bullshit.
Sure, that may be other members' experiences, but instead over the years, Natsu gets jeers, punches and kicks for not listening to their every whim. Insults on his character and intelligence whenever he doesn’t understand something instead of them taking the extra five seconds to explain it to him, getting called a liar every single time he mentions his father, especially after the Eclipse Gate incident. Others would berate him for being destructive, only to turn around and do the exact same, sometimes worse!
You’d think after some time, someone would smarten up and notice something wasn’t quite right with how they treated him, but that realization never came, especially after Tartarus and how the guild parted ways. Instead, he’s just a rabid animal, made for attacking their enemies, left to search for scraps of affection accidentally dropped underneath the table.
Lisanna, Romeo, the Connells, and especially the other dragon slayers and their exceeds were the only ones who loved him unconditionally, who supported him when he fell. They were the ones who asked how he was doing after a hard fought battle, giving their shoulders to lean on when he would be too injured to get back on his own. They were the ones who waited patiently for him to talk when he struggled to find the words, when he couldn’t differentiate between his own thoughts and theirs. They were the only family in this damn guild, and in their arms was the only place he could hide in. They were the ones he screamed to when the pain coursing through his broken body would get worse at night or with the changing weather. Not even Wendy's healing magic helped much, only relieving symptoms for a short while. Natsu always hated seeing the look in her eyes when she realized her magic wore off.
When Wendy and Gajeel first joined, they had instantly noticed the abysmal treatment of their prince, now king, and when they offered to do something about it, Natsu had given everything he had into begging them not to, even as the seemingly never ending pain manifested itself as a constant in his life, both physical and mental.
So much has happened, and there’s been no time to rest. He still hasn't recovered from the Dragonoid, let alone Edolas, surviving Acnologia, barely resting during the party in the Celestial Realm, and then training and absolutely demolishing the Twin Dragons in the Grand Magic Games, only to fight actual dragons, not just some cheap metal imitation (the thought makes him shiver) afterwards, and finally, Tartaros.
All he wants is to just rest , to stay in his bed forever and not move, but instead he’s sitting at his usual table, Lucy babbling on about some cute top she saw in one of the shop windows, and how she doesn’t have enough money for it. Natsu leans his head on his hand, slouching over the wooden table. Faintly, he can feel parts of the jagged wood digging into his elbow, and for a moment the constant pain that’s made its home in his body dulls into a lighter ache to make room for the stings from the wood. As soon as he shifts in his seat the usual pain hits him full force and it takes his entire willpower to not keel over and vomit.
Distantly, he hears the clunk of boots — which he instantly recognizes as Erza’s — and the crumpling of paper, but he can’t bring himself to care to investigate what’s going on. There’s murmuring from his teammates around him, but all he catches through his internal struggle is “… job… bandits… Lucy’s rent… immediately….”
Natsu lets his eyes glance along the table, counting chips and divots in the worn wood.
It’s always freaking bandits. It’s like the stereotypical job at the guild, at this point.
Natsu jolts, sitting up straighter in his seat as he struggles to not wince in pain as an armoured hand slams onto the table in front of him, narrowly missing his now once-propped arm.
“Natsu, are you even listening to me?!” Erza doesn’t bother waiting for an answer as she shoves a paper in his face.
Gray chuckles, arms crossed. “Of course not, he never does. Why do you think he gets his ass beat so much?”
Natsu leans away from Erza's outstretched hand, “Hey, I listen!” It takes everything in him to not punch Gray and his stupid, cocky little smirk.
“Oh yeah? Then what did Erza say?” The ice mage seems certain he caught Natsu red handed when the fire mage takes a moment to respond, “Oh, but you probably don’t know since you weren’t listening, lizard brain. Even a fly is smarter than you.”
“Lay off Gray, he’s been off for a while, so give him a break.” Lucy, you angel!
Natsu opens his mouth, “It’s f-”
Erza sighs from her spot next to Gray, “Gray, you know better than to insult Natsu’s… insult Natsu . He’s always been a little… slow .”
In the back of his mind, Natsu can recall the sleepless nights locked in a small closet, forced to recite words over and over again until he passed out from exhaustion, of getting pummeled every time he messed up even the slightest bit, and not once being praised for doing something right, of food and water being withheld from him for days until Erza was satisfied. He remembers how after every iron hard punch Erza beat into his head, the words made less and less sense.
Gray laughs at Erza's words, “Yeah, well, all flamebrain knows is burn, fight, eat. Not like he has room for anything else in his tiny pea brain.”
Natsu can’t even bring himself to retort. It’s not like they listen to anything he says anyways, so it's pointless to talk back. “Not like you listen to me anyways.” He says it mostly for himself, but as soon as his teammates eyes train themselves on him, he feels dread start to curl up in his stomach like a coiling snake.
“What was that, fly?”
“Nothing,” Natsu mumbles, the will of fighting taken right out of him. It’s not worth it. Idiot. Why are you like this? So, so stupid, Natsu.
Before Gray can snap back, Natsu gets up from their table. “You guys do the job without me, I promised Wendy I’d help her with something.” It’s not a lie, but Natsu isn’t supposed to be meeting up with Wendy for combat training until next Friday, a whole nine days from now. “Happy, you can go with them if you want.”
The blue exceed nods, looking at Natsu worriedly, but says nothing.
They’re going to hurt Happy. Can you live with yourself if they do?
Natsu schools his face into an expression of neutrality, and walks off.
Erza opens her mouth to speak, no doubt wanting to call, more like order, Natsu back to their table for the job. She only stops when Lucy places a gentle hand on her shoulder and shakes her head.
Lucy lets her eyes trail after Natsu in worry, praying that he’ll be okay.
——
The days drifted on relentlessly, each one melding into a blur. It felt like life was going too fast yet too slowly.
Team Natsu, minus their namesake, had taken the bandit job about a week ago, and they’re due back any day now. The thought sends shivers down Natsu’s spine. Not for Lucy though. She’s cool. Happy too.
Natsu reaches out his hand to lay against the cool surface of the bathroom mirror.
He swears he sees his reflection ripple, face distorting into a vicious smile for a quick second, and a dark voice whispering in his ear.
Natsu can’t make out the words like he usually can with the others , but they sound both angry and sad.
Doing his best to ignore what just happened, Natsu leaves his house with his bag and sets out for the docks.
——
The sky was clear, the warm sun beating down on the ground, and seagulls cawing as they drift along the seashore. People were bustling around Magnolia’s busy market, jovial with laughter as they traded stories and goods.
Natsu walks through the market, dodging around the large crowd and ducking underneath enthusiastic vendors.
“Hey Natsu!”
“How’s it going, kid?”
“It’s good to see you again!”
Natsu gives the merchants a wave as he weaves through the masses. The scent of exotic spices fills the air, almost suffocating him. The atmosphere was bright and happy but the once comforting crowds quickly made him claustrophobic- They’re all looking at you, Natsu. They know what you’ve done… what you are. DON’T TOUCH THAT! Natsu does his best to speed up through the crowd, but people keep bumping into him and each time his skin makes contact with someone it burns. He can hear the distorted mocking laughter, the insults and jeers. There’s bugs under your skin, get them out, Natsu! He scans the area, eyes wild, heart beginning to beat fiercely in his chest, and sighs with relief as he spots an alleyway with not too many people near it. Idiot.
He forces his way through the crowd, and shit, did I accidentally step on their foot? Guilt pulls heavily in his chest, but he forces himself onward. Good for nothing good for nothing GOOD FOR NOTHING! When did the market become this busy? As far as he knew, there weren’t any notable events going on.
Finally, finally , Natsu makes it to the alley. It’s not too dark, the sunlight beaming overhead creates a nice shadow to take a break from the sun in. Natsu knows Magnolia like the back of his hand, and even with how much the town has grown in the past decade and a half, his sense of direction has never failed. Because of this, he knows that if he keeps taking this pathway, then turns left at the old broken crate that still isn’t cleaned up and ducks underneath the fence he’ll end up right next to the pier.
Once Natsu steps foot onto the warm stone, which soon transitions into wooden planks, he notices that this part of the market is not nearly as busy as where he just exited from. His frantic pace slows, and he can feel his chest slowly start to untighten. He’s been feeling like that a lot lately, and really, he can’t figure out why. Nothing bad even happened. Nothing bad ever happens. You’re dying, it’s a heart attack! Don’t touch that! The sun is a comforting presence, warmth enveloping him as he strolled next to the rope railings on the pier. Up ahead, he spots an empty dock. Natsu skips forward, hands clasped behind his back, boots clunking against the wood. Soon, he reaches the end of the platform, so he drops his bag, pulls off his boots, socks, and shoves his socks inside of them before placing the pair to the side. After rolling up his pant legs, he lets his bare feet hang over the edge, right above the lapping waves of water.
Jump off. Drown yourself. Now. DO IT NOW!
He tilts his head back, eyes closed as the sun's warm rays wash over him. He’s returned to this dock every day for maybe the past three weeks? He can’t quite remember when he started coming here. All he knows is it’s been a while since he last went on a job, his team’s insults and hits and kicks and punches finally pushing him away.
All Natsu knows is due to his frequent outings to the seaside, his light dusting of freckles are coming back. As Natsu sits on the dock, he hears the worn white oak wood planks of ships creaking, their captains and crews whistling up an old tune. In the distance, he can hear a patron heckling the black haired fish seller who always sets up his market over there (he always gives Natsu a discount). The occasional mist of sea spray fades over his face, droplets clinging to his skin and hair before quickly drying up underneath the warm sun and from his naturally high body heat, only to be replaced again. The back and forth of saltwater and sunlight giving his slightly sun bleached shoulder length hair waves. Occasionally, he can feel the cold waves hitting his bare feet.
Natsu slowly opens his eyes, wincing when he accidentally looks at the sun, — Nice going, Idiot good idea! Blind yourself! — before unclasping his hands from his lap to rummage through his bag. It takes a second, but he hums in triumph as he grabs hold of a familiar book, and after a bit more of searching, he finds a worn pencil and eraser. Natsu places the sketchbook on his lap, flipping past the used pages for an empty one. Once he finds one, he lets his mind work as he loses himself in the rolling waves and scratch of his pencil, and the voices fade away.
He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting there for, but the sun is a bit higher in the sky and there’s a few more people bustling about. But that’s okay. Taking a look at his drawing, he huffs in irritation. His chest burns as his eyes wash over the paper. It looks… wrong. Not even close to how he imagined it in his head, and he swears it’s trying to convince him to rip it up and throw it into the ocean. Faintly, he can hear the jeering again. Throw yourself in the ocean, instead. Drown.
You’re bad at this. You’re bad at a lotta things. Jump off. Kill yourself. No one would miss you.
“Mind if I join you?”
Natsu jumps, twisting his body around as he throws his sketchbook to the side, sending it sliding across a few wooden planks. He’s lucky it didn’t drop into the water.
Natsu inhales deeply, the sea air salty on his tongue, “Sure?” He’s not sure how to respond. Why is this old man speaking to him? He can already feel the tingling in his lips and hands and feet as his breath stutters. He wants to kill you. They all do.
The old man shuffles forward, stopping in front of Natsu’s fallen sketchbook, “I see you come here to draw every day. Mind if I take a look?”
Natsu turns back to look at the ocean, “Go ahead,” he mumbles, pulling his scarf to cover his mouth.
It’s quiet except for the occasional flip of paper, the caws of gulls and albatrosses further out to sea, and the waves.
“These are quite beautiful. Are you a professional?” The old man’s voice is kind, genuinely curious. He’s trying to lure you in , he wants to kill us Natsu.
Natsu shakes his head, “No… just a hobby, ‘m not that good at it. I’m just a guild mage.”
The old man chortles, “ Just a guild mage? Well, if you can’t find work, I’m sure someone would be willing to spend a pretty penny for one of these.”
The praise makes Natsu uncomfortable, He doesn’t mean it. You know he’s lying- and he squirms where he sits. At this point, with all the backhanded compliments his guild mates have oh so graciously granted him, he isn’t sure how genuine this guy is — They’re all the same — “Maybe.” Is all he can manage to say.
“My grandson was an artist too. Talented, that boy was,” the old man hands Natsu back his sketchbook. “Oh, where are my manners? My name is Calum,” He smiles, blue eyes glinting in the sun and for a second, Natsu feels as if he’s staring straight into his soul. He’s a spy! He’s coming to kill you . They sent him.
Natsu takes it into his hand with a soft ‘thankyou.’ Why is it so hard for him to talk today? Usually his guild mates would be yelling at him to shut up for once, threatening to put tape over his mouth or gag him, so they would absolutely love to be here right now to witness his lack of words. After a while, he manages a skewed introduction, “I’m Natsu.” Why’d you tell him your name?! He clutches his sketchbook against his chest before putting it and his other supplies into his bag.
Calum smiles and holds out a calloused and wrinkly hand, “It’s nice to meet’cha.”
“It’s nice to meet you too,” Natsu mumbles, averting his eyes as he shakes the old man’s hand.
Calum gives a groan as he plops himself next to Natsu, not too close where his presence is suffocating, but not too far where he feels disconnected. “So,” Calum begins, “how long have you lived here?”
The casual question catches Natsu off guard. He’s so used to people automatically knowing who he is, about his everything , “About nine years? There was this… big thing where me and my guild mates kinda got stuck in time for seven years, so I’m not counting that, but it’s not that important… What about you? I don’t think I’ve seen you around before.” He hasn’t, he knows just about everyone in Magnolia by name, and yet he’s never seen this man before.
Calum obviously decides to ignore the stuck in time bit, “Ah, I moved here maybe about two months ago?”
So that explains it. Natsu nods at Calums answer as the conversation dwindles into a companionable silence.
“Your hair is a beautiful colour. My wife used to grow roses that colour.” Calums voice is fond, yearning as he stares out to see.
“Really? Roses, huh? Never heard that one before…” and it’s true. Usually Natsu would be insulted for his hair colour, the others saying shit like it looks dumb on him, or it’s not masculine, sometimes that he looks weak.
“Aye, the most beautiful rose I’ve ever seen. Oh, I guess the flowers were pretty, too.” Calum laughs, and Natsu is caught off guard at the loving joke that he can’t help but smile and give a huff of laughter.
Silence falls between the two again.
“Do you have any family? I don’t think I’ve seen you with anyone else.”
Natsu inhales, and fuck… this one simple question shouldn’t get to him this much, “Kinda. Don’t know my parents, but my adoptive dad disappeared when I was younger, he’s the one who taught me my magic. I've been trying to find him. Although I guess my guild kinda counts? I do have kind of a brother and sister, although it’s adopted since we're kinda connected by the type of magic we share. I also have a son. He’s a cat though. He’s also blue.” Why is he telling this stranger so much? Why can’t he fucking shut up once in his goddamn life?! Idiot! Natsu can feel the irritation at himself burn brightly in his chest, and he wants to hit something, preferably himself. And he was doing so well not talking earlier, too.
“Blue cat, huh? Well, I guess anything can happen in this world.” There isn’t a single doubt in Calums words. “You seem upset, I’m sorry if I brought up any bad memories.” Calum’s voice is kind, maybe even fatherly. When was the last time someone other than the exceeds and dragon slayers spoke that kindly to him?
Natsu sighs, legs jolting as his feet were hit by a cold wave, “No,” he rubs at his eyes, “you didn’t do anything. Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.” You’re fine fine fine.
Calum, thankfully, doesn’t question him further.
“So, what kind of magic do you use? You mentioned your dad taught you, and you’ve got to be pretty powerful since you’re in a magic guild.” And wow … Calum actually listened to what he said.
Natsu gives a slight smile, always eager to talk about his adoptive father. “I’m a Fire Dragon Slayer. My dad is a dragon. He’s actually the king of the fire dragons.” He braces himself for the insults, ready to be called a liar and told to stop living in a dreamland.
“Wow! That is something! I bet since your dad is a dragon, he must be quite powerful. Because he’s the king, that makes you the prince!” Where’s the mocking lilt to his voice? Where are the slaps upside the head, or the hollering? Why does Calum seem genuine ? Why does the soft look in his eyes make Natsu want to cry?
“Yeah,” Natsu pretends his voice doesn’t give out on him, “He was the strongest. He used to tell me stories of all the other dragons he beat. Even though he loved to fight, he was an amazing king.” He can still recall the dragons bowing to his father, respect clear in their gazes and posture. Everything about Igneel commanded respect, not just the strings of jewels and gold adorning him, or the black opal and obsidian crown that laid atop his head. He even forged Natsu’s own crown himself, and Io above, if it isn’t the most beautiful thing Natsu has in his hoard. If Igneel could see him now, would he be disappointed in him? For letting his guild mates walk all over him? Or would he be proud of all the people he’s saved? He’s never coming back . He’s not real, never was , you hallucinated it all.
Calum gazes at Natsu, almost seeming to read his thoughts which sends a spike of panic through Natsu, “you know, if he saw your drawings, I bet he would be very proud. I can’t say much about your magic, but I bet he’d be amazed at that as well.”
Natsu chuckled, “He wasn’t one for drawing. It wasn’t his thing, and he didn’t really understand it all that good.”
Calum hummed, inhaling the sea air, “Maybe not for a dragon, but if you created it, I think it would be very meaningful to him.”
“Mind telling me about your wife?” Natsu was desperate to change the conversation. He was over sharing. Fucking idiot! You can’t trust him- Even though it’s been years since he’s last seen Igneel, the pain is still fresh. Each and every time he speaks about his father, it’s like a knife cuts through a slow healing scab.
Calum hums, going along with the change of topic. “Aye, most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on. She passed away six years ago.”
Natsu stills, eyes wide as awkwardness blooms in his chest. What does he even say to this? Speak, idiot! He can’t! Just as soon as he opens his mouth to offer his condolences, Calum speaks.
“You know,” Calum starts, “You have that same faraway look in your eyes as my grandson once did.”
Natsu brings his hands back down to his lap, “Yeah?” He almost chokes on this one word.
The old man nods, “It’s how my grandson looked the day before he took his own life.”
Natsu feels like he’s just jumped into the dark cold water in front of him.
There’s no old man in front of him, the ocean stills, and the chattering voices of the townspeople at the market and the ones constantly following him quiets to a low hum. He didn’t wanna die… did he? I mean- he’s never thought about dying, really. Yes you have . He’s never gone out of his way to hurt himself- actually, sometimes in his grief, he’d lose control. Animal. The thought made his head throb with phantom pains. But he’s not suicidal ! Nothing bad even happened to make him feel this way! He’d be over reacting.
Sure, sometimes he still has phantom pains from Edolas and the Dragonoid, the rage that Gray was never punished, the hits on the head from Erza’s fury, but it just comes with the job description of being a guild mage. The Tower of Heaven sucked. Getting the shit electrocuted out of him by a fake - not fake, you know this - dragon slayer was horrible. There were also the dragons, getting stabbed had hurt, but watching Lucy die hurt way more. And then there’s the insults every day, getting the shit kicked out of him for doing what everyone else does, getting called a liar, especially after the Eclipse Gate fiasco and why is it only him? Why do they not believe him but they do when it’s the other dragon slayers? What did he even do to them ?! Sometimes shit happens and you hurt for a while, not for years after, though. A true ‘family’ doesn’t abuse each other.
Natsu wishes the voices whispering in his ears would just shut up. His hands race up to cover his ears, knuckles and fingertips white from the pressure against his skull and clenches his eyes shut. Shut up shut up SHUT UP! His breath is coming out harshly, lungs aching from his right chest. He can hear and feel every pump of his heart. His eyes are burning in contrast to his quickly numbing face, hands, and feet. His legs are quickly pulled to his chest, and he growls. “Shut up shut up shut up.” A scream tries to work its way through his throat, but a quick bite to the tongue silences it. The blood is metallic on his tongue.
A hand gently lays itself on his shoulder.
“ Breathe… in, and out. ” Distantly Natsu can hear a voice. “ In, and out. ”
Following the orders, Natsu’s body slowly loosens, and his arms move from covering his ears to instead wrap around his legs.
“One more time, in, and out.” Calums voice is soft,
Finally, Natsu manages to get a hold of his emotions. He’s lucky he didn’t light himself on fire. He can’t go embarrassing himself in front of a random guy by freaking out over nothing- you already did, asshole. Throw your pity party. He doesn’t care. The magic council sent him! “I’m sorry…” He says, “I’m uh… I’m sorry for freaking out on you.” Feeling is slowly returning to his face, but his lips still feel tight. “Sorry for your loss.” Great first impression.
“No need to apologize… and thank you for the condolences.” The way Calum looks at Natsu makes the dragon slayer want to cry. The old man’s face is sweet, and not upset in any way.
“I’ve had years to deal with the grief. It doesn’t get any easier, but you learn to live through the pain. You know, he used to be an artist like you, though his father never supported him. Damn, that boy could draw. He used to love drawing those comic book characters you kids seem to love these days.”
He can’t take this anymore, “Why are you telling me this?” He’s not trying to be rude, but Natsu’s afraid if he follows this train of thought down, he’ll drown and never resurface, and he'll really be like Calums grandson.
Calum looks at him, blue eyes shining with worry, crows feet crinkling with a lifetime's worth of anguish. “Because, I couldn’t help my grandson, but maybe I can help you.”
Natsu swears his heart doesn’t break further.
“Every day I’ve seen you down here, and you always looked so lonely, so I thought that maybe I would say hi.” Calum places a hand on Natsu’s shoulder, when was the last time he was hugged?
You don’t deserve it! You’re selfish and just using other people! If they found out how much of a fake you are, they’d leave you in a heartbeat. Kill yourself. Jump off. Do it! Poor lonely Natsu~
“I’m not lonely!” Natsu instantly snaps, before the fire fades away back to the numbness that has been keeping his heart hostage lately. “I’m not.” He swears his voice doesn’t break.Natsu takes a shaky breath in, “Sorry…” Why did he snap at Calum? He didn’t even fucking do anything to him.
Calum hums, “It’s alright, no need to be sorry. I overstepped my bounds. Maybe I was the lonely one and was just projecting.” His laugh is bittersweet, but there was no anger in his words.
It’s quiet again, but definitely more awkward than the previous silence.
“You mentioned you had a brother and sister, would you mind telling me about them?”
The thought of Wendy and Romeo makes Natsu smile, and he excitedly begins his tale.