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Comeback seasons are notoriously harsh. The days start early with never-ending practices and lessons, with in-between solo or unit schedules in the name of promotions, the compulsory live stages, the fansigns, Weverse lives, social media posts and so on. None of these permits Soonyoung a space to put himself in for all the personal problems or whatnots. He doesn’t even have the time to put off the mask on his face, the ideal image he is expected to have.
Soonyoung has basically become a professional at shoving things under the rug, that if it is visible, he will have a whole mountain of personal issues (to be seriously addressed) protruding under said rug. It’s not that he doesn’t value his own peace of mind, but he just doesn’t have the liberty and luxury.
Also, he seriously doesn’t know how to address the one big problem concerning a certain member in the group. The tall one, wearing glasses, his sharp eyes averting Soonyoung’s every time they accidentally look at each other.
(“Did you guys, uh, fight or something?” Chan hesitantly asked, right after the group dispersed as they wrapped up their rehearsal for the day.
Soonyoung held back from sighing out loud. Yep, the elephant in the room can’t be ignored no more.
“I don’t know, Chan-ah. Maybe I messed up.” Soonyoung smiled, bitter. Probably, maybe. Perhaps, he did mess up.
Chan instinctively rubbed Soonyoung’s back gently. “Talk to him, maybe? I can’t stand the tension, for real.”
Soonyoung groaned.)
The silent, worried glances are thrown in Soonyoung’s way whenever they witness the grumpy Wonwoo. Everyone assumes it’s Soonyoung’s fault, with the way Wonwoo avoids being in close proximity with Soonyoung at every chance. At times, Wonwoo would throw glares in Soonyoung’s way. The rest of the group would silently make eye contact with Soonyoung, as if everything would turn alright if Soonyoung fixes things right.
They’re not wrong, perhaps.
Soonyoung looks away when he notices Seungcheol’s eyes are trying to tell him something akin to “get this shit sorted soon” but Soonyoung is, again, a professional at putting things aside.
“Alright, one last round and we’ll wrap this up!” Their dance choreographer announces, and the whole group stands in their position. Soonyoung turns around, not without noticing Wonwoo (still) glaring at him. Soonyoung looks away.
Seungkwan nudges him softly on the elbow, but Soonyoung pretends he doesn’t notice. He promises himself that he will address this shit after tomorrow’s schedule.
*
It turns out that the next day isn’t going to reduce his problem. If anything, it adds more to Soonyoung’s pile of personal problem.
His head is hurting as hell.
He wonders if it was the late night ramyun he had before sleep last night, but he justifies that act as a way to cope with his hunger as he skipped his meals the whole day yesterday. He blinks blearily around his own apartment, trying to ease the pain away but his eyes feel like they’re going to pop out.
He insisted to be sent back to his own apartment last night despite his manager urging him to just stay at Wonwoo’s and Mingyu’s (like usual) because it’s easier to pick him there up with the rest. He has half of his wardrobe in that duo’s apartment anyways. But last night just wasn’t the right night to spend there. His manager tried to persuade him but Soonyoung just begged once more and the other relented.
Man, his head throbs a lot.
He lies down to rest up a bit. That’s when his phone rings. He picks up, but set it to loudspeaker because he doesn’t have the energy to hold it to his ears.
“Soonyoung ah” Ah, it’s his manager.
“Yeah, hyung.” Soonyoung realises his voice croaks, it hurts letting his voice out.
“Just making sure you’re up. Be ready in 30, I’ll be there to pick you up. Don’t be late.” His manager breathes out. Soonyoung could hear rustlings from the other end. His manager must be busy. He shouldn’t trouble the other so much.
Soonyoung doesn’t realise he’s been silent for a moment before his manager’s voice comes up again.
“You hear me, Soonyoung-ah?”
Dizzy, he’s so dizzy. Soonyoung tries to find the energy to push his voice out of his throat. “Yeah, hyung.”
“Are you okay?”
No. “Yeah. I’ll be ready in 30.”
That was painful. Since when has talking been so painful?
“Okay.”
*
When Soonyoung gets to the car, he notices the only empty seat is the one next to Wonwoo. Seriously, God really wants him to settle all his issues, and he’s presented with the main one right here. Soonyoung could just say sorry and use the time they’ll have in the vehicle to talk about what they need to talk about, and they’ll be okay once again.
But he doesn’t have the energy to do so. It’s too taxing, and Soonyoung’s head feels like it would split open if he let it think beyond whatever he could handle right now.
Wonwoo doesn’t spare him a glance. Soonyoung silently exhales as he climbs in. As he sits down, he lets out a cough. If he ever notices, Wonwoo’s eyes flit to him in a few seconds.
Soonyoung makes himself comfortable in his seat, and looks outside. He definitely doesn’t want to know (or see) whether Wonwoo is ignoring him or not. He’ll just ignore the possibilities. He feels a little nauseous, but perhaps that’s just him being nervous or stressed out by the current situation.
His eyes feel heavy, and it doesn’t take him long to fall asleep, willing the nauseous urge away.
.
.
.
“—young.. Soonyoung.”
His eyes open slowly, as his mind gets awoken by the call of his name. He feels a sort of weight on his left arm. When he could make what’s in front of him, he’s met with Wonwoo’s eyes.
Weird, he looks— he doesn’t look angry.
“Wonwoo?” Soonyoung blurts out, hoarse. He isn’t sure what he wants to expect from Wonwoo, but he is anticipating. For something.
“You look like shit. What’s happening?” Wonwoo says, now he sounds familiar. There’s a hint of disappointment in his voice, Soonyoung can’t really tell. But he knows the source of this.
“I always—" Soonyoung coughs, his throat feels really dry and itchy. And painful. “—look like shit.” God damn it, that’s a really long sentence. He lets out few more fits of coughing. “Shit.” He blurts out, his vision goes dark for a few seconds as he coughed, left hand grabbing the seat for stability.
Wonwoo waits for a few seconds, perhaps anticipating for more than what Soonyoung’s offering. However, the latter doesn’t cave.
“Seriously.” Wonwoo scoffs. The way he sounds tugged on Soonyoung’s chest a bit painfully.
“I’d say more, but you’d tell me I don’t have any rights to say anything. So, whatever, Soonyoung. Get out of the car, we’re here, and we’re late.” Wonwoo nudges him while making a very disappointed expression.
Soonyoung doesn’t blame him.
It takes him a great effort to get out of the car and not falling onto the ground right away. He has to struggle for his balance. Wonwoo walks away without sparing him a glance. Ah, Soonyoung thinks, I deserve this.
“Hyung.” Mingyu’s voice startles him.
“Oh. You’re here.” Soonyoung says.
“You definitely look like shit. You sure you’re alright?” Mingyu holds his arm and helps him to walk to the building.
“Yep. Just a bit dizzy, it’ll go away soon.” Soonyoung replies.
“You know, this is why he is angry.” Mingyu says, as he tightens his hold onto Soonyoung’s arms. Soonyoung realises Wonwoo must have told Mingyu about what’s going on.
Soonyoung just huffs a laugh.
*
Their schedule that day doesn’t require Soonyoung to talk much, so he basically just needs to stand still and smile. If he were ever needed to be the one talking, he wouldn’t survive.
Their final schedule, however, is excruciatingly long. It’s the LieV broadcast and it’s usually two long hours of being live and cheerful. Putting that at the end of the day doesn’t help Soonyoung’s condition at all. Nevertheless, he’s grateful for one thing; Wonwoo is put on the lower beds, paired up with Seungcheol. This way, it’s a lot easier for Wonwoo to avoid him.
They chat through the songs, responding to the comments as they lie down in the comfort of the bed provided by the show. At times, Soonyoung would switch his hyper mode on just so he doesn’t break character and none of the members nor the fans would point out his lack of participation. The last thing he wants is to not be contributive to the group’s activity. If Wonwoo notices how forced he is acting right now, he doesn’t show any reaction.
But Soonyoung’s head grows heavier the longer time passes. He feels painful tingles at the end of his fingers, all over his skin. It’s as if everything is sensitive. He’s lying at the top towards the end, in between Hansol and Seungkwan. He could see Wonwoo in front of him, but the latter never turns around. Soonyoung decides to flop down, head facing the ceiling. Just for a moment, he tells himself. He’ll get up and react a bit more after this.
Dizzy, so dizzy.
Everything’s spinning.
It’s so hard to resist from rolling his eyes back, but the surrounding is spinning too much. The spotlights, the camera, the noise, the touches (Seungkwan has been very touchy) do not help with his condition at all. The gnawing feeling of guilt is not easing his pain a tad bit.
He hears their new song playing, and Jeonghan bickers with Mingyu about something. The loudness causes his head to throb. Seokmin suddenly stands up for his impersonation of whoever Soonyoung couldn’t recognise. The rest of the group explodes into laughter, some are jumping and thrashing around, pillows flying here and there. Everything feels too much. Soonyoung’s vision gets blurry with all the movements. Pain is coiling in his gut. He curls towards Hansol for a little comfort he wishes he could get. The latter catches Soonyoung’s eyes that are focusing at nothing in particular.
“Hyung.” Hansol whispers, covering his microphone. “What’s wrong?”
Soonyoung shakes his head, and shuts his eyes.
Seungkwan, not knowing what’s happening, snickers. “Hyung, we’re going to prank you if you fall asleep”
Whatever. Soonyoung keeps his eyes shut.
It’s been two hours, and the live broadcast is finally towards the end.
Soonyoung doesn’t follow on what’s happening anymore. His body feels so heavy. He hears, faintly, some whispers of said prank. Some little giggles, hushed voices. He knows, they pulled this with Chan previously.
The only difference is, he doesn’t wake up. He feels them shaking his body, laughing. They urge him to wake up, yelling “wake up hyung, we’re done already”. He faintly, very faintly registers the laughter subsiding, and the panic voice of someone – was it Seungkwan? – touching him, “Hyung.. wake up, don’t joke like this.”
Where’s the laughter? Soonyoung wants them to keep it up so he could hide and sleep a little bit.
“Hyung, he’s very, very pale.”
Now it’s getting pretty quiet. Soonyoung could somehow hear the director and staff mumbling as well. Not that he could really tell what they’re saying. But it’s lulling him.
Warm hands hold his arms. Little shakes, little taps.
“Cheol ah, he’s not waking up.”
Maybe it is just his feeling, but he feels as if everyone is crowding around him. He doesn’t open his eyes, still.
“Soonyoung ah. Come on, wake up.”
“Let manager hyung know. Quick!”
“Hansol ah, how long has he been like this?”
“I don’t know, I noticed he wasn’t responding much. I thought I’d let him sleep so we could prank him..”
“He didn’t look okay when he got off the van today.”
Soonyoung wants to get up and tell them to shut up. It’s so noisy, it’s painful to hear. He doesn’t want to reply, his throat is burning. His breathing gets heavier.
“Soonyoung ah!”
He wants to tell them to carry on. He’ll wake up when everything ends.
“Soon-ah.”
Oh, that sounds like Wonwoo. He wants to apologise. Wonwoo is right. He needs someone to take care of his body, after all. Soonyoung barely feels his body being cradled up into a warm embrace, his face mushed onto a very firm chest. His face is held in a palm, very warm. Very soothing. Strange. The touches he got had been very painful just now. This one kind of pulls him into deeper slumber.
Darkness envelopes, and he hears nothing anymore.
*
Soonyoung wakes up in a room he doesn’t recognise. He blinks his eyes slowly for a few times, although his eyelids feel so heavy. He isn’t sure what time it is, or even what day it is. Everything feels blurry and hazy. There’s a hanging IV bag drip next to him, and a certain someone with his head on Soonyoung’s side.
It’s Wonwoo.
He tries to speak, but it hurts. It’s as if there are loads of prickly thorns in his throat, every inhale of air hurts.
“Soonyoung?” Wonwoo calls, he gets up and sits up straight before leaning towards Soonyoung. Face contorted with concern, none of that cold expression anymore.
Upon seeing the latter’s worried face, Soonyoung’s expression crumble. His lips quiver, in shaky breath, he inhales.
“—‘m sorry.” Soonyoung breathes out, the words come out only airy.
“You’re not sorry at all, Soonyoung ah.” Wonwoo furrows his brows. He doesn’t look angry or disappointed. But Soonyoung knows there’s more to that expression. “How could you, when you just told me that I shouldn’t care about you, and you go and pass out the next day? We couldn’t get you to wake up at all, you went limp in my hold, you weren’t responding. What the fuck, Soonyoung ah?” If Wonwoo’s voice sounded strained at the end, Soonyoung knows it’s him trying not to sound too upset, because that will upset Soonyoung.
And that itself is upsetting, because Wonwoo has always been so considerate.
Soonyoung silently cries. Tears flowing down his cheeks, eyes blurry. He couldn’t see Wonwoo’s face anymore.
“I’ve told you many, many times that you shouldn’t push yourself. That your personal issues, whatever the fuck you name them, are as important as the team is. Why are you letting those things eat you from the inside? Why don’t you want me to help?” Wonwoo says, exasperatedly.
Because it’s not worth the worry, Wonwoo.
Soonyoung sobs, and brings his right hand to his throat. Truthfully, he wants to reply or say something. So many things are jumbling up in his mind, waiting to be let out in a torrent of words out of his mouth. But his throat hurts so much.
“I— I can’t—” Soonyoung shakes his head, while he holds his throat. Trying to tell Wonwoo he couldn’t speak. Trying to let the other know it hurts so much. But he wants the other to know he has a lot to say, too.
Wonwoo grabs that hand and grips onto it. Then, he pulls Soonyoung into a hug so tight the other squeaks an airy grunt. “Don’t say anything. Just, don’t, Soonyoung ah.” Soonyoung feels another hand at the back of his head, gently moving up and down. Soothing, very soothing.
“—s’rry.” Soonyoung insists. He buries his face into Wonwoo’s neck, inhaling the warm scent as if it holds the cure to his aching throat. He doesn’t have the energy to hug Wonwoo back, so he let both his hands fall on the either side of Wonwoo’s body. He feels Wonwoo rocking their bodies left and right just slightly, but enough to calm Soonyoung down. He stops with his apologies, too.
“When you told me that I shouldn’t care about you, it hurt me, you know?” Wonwoo mutters against Soonyoung’s soft hair.
Sorry.
“I know you don’t like anyone seeing you at your lowest point. I know you’d say your personal issues aren’t worth the attention.” Wonwoo exhales softly, his fingers gently rub over Soonyoung’s back. “I know this is not about me, but what if our situation is reversed, would you leave me at my lowest point, Soonyoung?”
Soonyoung shakes his head. No, he would never do that. He squeezed the hem of Wonwoo’s shirt with the little energy remaining in him, emphasising his answer.
“See? That’s how it is right now. You can’t expect me to leave you alone, Soonyoung ah.” Wonwoo makes a space between them, and Soonyoung is already missing the warmth at the crook of the other’s neck. But then he feels warm hands cupping his face. He opens his eyes and sees Wonwoo’s pair of eyes gazing into his own. “I can’t turn a blind eye when you’re spiralling like this. I know I can’t cure whatever’s going on in that mix of storms inside your head. But I could help make everything easier to go through.”
Soonyoung leans into the warm hands, and closes his eyes. He has been debating with his own voices inside his head all this time. The voices that argue all the time, telling him what he shouldn’t do. Yelling at him that these are all minor, little things. Itching at him that he should just suck it up and be the dependable member they want him to be.
“I thought…” Wonwoo moves his thumbs softly against Soonyoung’s cheeks, letting the tears smeared away. “I thought… I’m your warm clouds, your soft skies, your gentle ray of morning sun. Am I no longer your comfort person, Soonyoung ah?” Wonwoo whispers, soft. There’s a hint of sadness which Soonyoung doesn’t miss.
He forgets how big his insecurities could be, and how it could bounce back at him whenever it wants, even during the crucial time when the group needs everyone’s attention and devotion the most. He figures he doesn’t have time to be sick. No attention should be on him. He has started to drift while being on autopilot mode without noticing it himself, and in that (bad) survival process he forgets how Wonwoo could actually be the one grounding him. He totally let it slip his mind, how he'd always mentioned the warmth that's contained in Wonwoo. All of the warm things he'd use to describe the very existence of Wonwoo in his life, by his side.
This time, he doesn’t apologise. He opens his eyes, and stares at Wonwoo’s own glassy eyes. In that moment, it’s as if Wonwoo could hear everything that Soonyoung wants to say in his mind. Wonwoo smiles, as he lets his hands drop from Soonyoung’s face to his shoulder, resting it there. Grounding Soonyoung with small thrums of his fingertips on the top of the other’s shoulders.
“Thank you.” Soonyoung mouths.
He’s back in Wonwoo’s embrace, the latter pulls him in gently. He could feel Wonwoo smiling, lips against his forehead. It stays pressed there for what seems to be forever, and it lulls Soonyoung into comfort.
“Rest up, tiger.”