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“Sakamichiii, is there a problem?”
Midousuji finally got the nerve to ask as soon as he and Onoda got back from their little trip to Chiba, visiting Onoda’s mother. Onoda had hurriedly made his way to their kitchen to make tea after removing his coat and setting it to their coat hanger stand. The climber had been acting really quiet, reserved and sad, although he tried his best to smile and make it seem like it was nothing.
Of course, Midousuji isn’t stupid. He immediately saw right through his boyfriend the very first day that he started acting this way. He decided to observe first; to see if it will eventually go away in a few hours, and if Onoda will soon approach him and tell him what’s bothering him.
It seems like Onoda choose to further keep the dilemma to himself.
The taller boy approached the other, stopping a few inches when he was facing his back. He wanted Onoda to tell him why he’s acting this way, giving the other a safe distance so that he won’t feel he’s pressured to tell and so that he will be assured that Midousuji is just right there to listen.
Onoda is quiet for a while, ducking his head to probably stare at the kettle he’s heating up. He then turned around to look at Midousuji, a smile that didn’t reach his eyes plastered on his face. He looked like he was about to tell the other whatever it is that’s bothering him, and Midousuji waited patiently, but it didn’t come. Instead, Onoda stood up to his toes and reached for Midousuji’s neck, asking for a kiss. The all-rounder didn’t hesitate to bend down and give what he’s asked to do.
Midousuji pressed his lips against Onoda’s, giving the other a long, soft peck. He didn’t close his eyes, wondering if he could read the other’s expression and make something out of it. What was Onoda feeling? Why is he making such a heart-breaking expression?
When Onoda slid his tongue across Midousuji’s lower lip, clearly asking for more, the taller boy reached for the stove and switched it off. He then lifted Onoda like it was nothing and set him on top of the kitchen counter, returning his demanding kisses. The climber was kissing Midousuji like he’s been gone for a long time, slowly invading the other’s mouth with his tongue.
Still, Midousuji isn’t falling for this kind of trick.
So he stopped, slowly pulling himself back and looking the other in the eye. “What’s the problem?”
“I-it’s nothing, really—“
“Tell me.”
Onoda’s smile was falling, he turned his neck to the side, avoiding Midousuji’s scrutinizing gaze. He was like that for a few moments, desperately trying to hide from his boyfriend. Then, he pressed his forehead on Midousuji’s chest, sighing softly. The other automatically ran his hand soothingly to Onoda’s back, silently telling him that he shouldn’t shy away from his lover. Long ago, Midousuji would call this kind of setting dramatic and gross—he still thinks it does—but he hasn’t predicted the day when he finally grew accustomed to Onoda’s sunlight. Right now, his sunlight is gone, and he doesn’t like the empty, dark feeling inside.
“Talk to me, Sakamichi.”
For a few seconds, Midousuji can hear soft sniffing below him; his hand can feel Onoda’s back shaking. The climber removed his glasses and placed them beside to where he was sitting, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. “I… I just thought that I’m not good enough for you.”
“What makes you think that?”
“It just… came up to me when I saw your recent races… I just saw how you can make it on your own—how successful you can be and how far you can go w-without me holding you back. I-I’m just an… an excess baggage.”
Not for once in his life has Midousuji saw Onoda lost his confidence like this. Sure, he was belittling himself once in a while, most especially when he was still trying to befriend Midousuji, following him everywhere like a lost puppy and kept on talking to him about anime. He would apologize for bugging the all-rounder, say that he just wanted to talk to someone who knows anime, but not once did Midousuji saw Onoda breaking down and hating himself like this. Since Midousuji hasn’t interacted with a lot of people, hasn’t made any real friends, and he’s new to this situation (and a relationship), he’s at lost with what to do—how to comfort.
“You’re… not… an excess baggage.” Midousuji whispered, trying to find the right words to say in order to make Onoda stop feeling so negative about himself. He had so many questions swimming in his head, like how Onoda has come into this kind of useless conclusion, if Midousuji hadn’t been listening whenever he talks about Love Hime, and so on. Now isn’t the right time to ask these questions; his priority right now was to stop Onoda from feeling this way. There are a lot of things that Midousuji wants to tell Onoda, but he couldn’t form the words.
“I’m sorry,” Onoda said, still sniffing and avoiding Midousuji’s eyes.
Why are you saying sorry?
“I-I’m making y-you uncomfortable. I shouldn’t a-act like this.”
Stop.
“I’m s-sorry to trouble y-you with something so shallow—“
You’re not shallow.
“I-it’s alright if you leave—“
“Stop. No, I am not leaving you like this.” Midousuji held Onoda’s chin with his free hand, tilting his head up to force the other to look at him. “I’m not leaving; not now, not ever.”
The taller boy has never seen Onoda so broken and raw like this. His bright eyes are puffy and bleak, his cheeks wet with tears, and lips didn’t form a smile. It broke Midousuji’s heart in ways that he didn’t know existed to see Onoda like this. “You’re not an excess baggage. You’re not shallow.”
For a moment, Midousuji thought that Onoda would finally get the message as he continues to stare into his boyfriend’s eyes, his long fingers wiping the tears that left a trail. Onoda looked like he was waiting for Midousuji to speak again, but when the other didn’t, he started to bawl.
Midousuji is definitely at lost with what to do. He was trying to form a way to stop Onoda from crying. He already has a lot of things going on his mind, but he was just not so good with words. He was also starting to hate himself, the decision of isolating himself from the others finally taking its toll. He just wanted everything to be back to normal; back to when Onoda was smiling and cheerful. The all-rounder couldn’t form a single word that Onoda needs in order to snap out of it, and he was guilty because he couldn’t step out of his boundaries and just tell Onoda that he is his everything, that he should stop crying, that—
“Sakamichiii. Stop crying, for heaven’s sake.” Midousuji gritted his teeth, his grip on Onoda’s face slightly tightening, causing the other momentarily stop wailing. “Listen to me. Do you think I’ll settle for anyone who’s a burden? Did you ever think when you were still tailing me like a lost puppy that I’ll let anyone get close to me if I think that they’re going to be in the way? Yes,” he hissed. “You were a burden. I don’t even know why I allowed you to get under my skin, why I chose to live here with you now and why I’m trying so hard to make you feel that you’re important.”
Midousuji had a snarl on his face, his teeth bore as he held Onoda’s face and surprised gaze for a few seconds. He let go, turning his back to the other and slapping his hand on his forehead. “I’m not good with words, Sakamichiii. Don’t ask for something that I can’t give.”
The taller boy had silently retreated to their bedroom, closing their door silently. Onoda, on the other hand, was staring at the closed door, dumbfounded. He has forgotten his previous worries and suddenly focused on Midousuji’s outburst.
His boyfriend had never said sensitive words like that out loud before. Has Onoda really hit a nerve when he suddenly told Midousuji what he feels?
Maybe that’s not it. Midousuji reassured Onoda to whatever it was, he should tell the other—and he did. Right now, Onoda was alone, but he wasn’t sad anymore. He was guilty that he pushed Midousuji so far by crying like in front of him. How can he fix the mess he created?
***
“Mi… Midousuji…kun?” Onoda squeaked, peeking through the door first before showing himself right in when he saw the other sitting on their bed, his back turned against the direction of the door. Midousuji was hanging his head low, his hands clutching his head protectively as he heaved a sigh.
“Midousuji-kun,” the climber repeated, closing the door behind him. He took a few steps to approach his boyfriend, clearly at loss with what to do first to apologize for his actions. His small hands felt clammy, his heart pounded hard against his chest and his eyes were restless.
“Sakamichiii,” the other enunciated each syllable, making Onoda flinch involuntarily. Midousuji turned his head to the side, acknowledging Onoda’s presence in the room.
Onoda wasted no time to say sorry for his actions. The climber wasn’t even finished with his sentence when Midousuji cut his off, saying “Come here, Sakamichii.” He beckoned his boyfriend with one arm, offering his hand for the other to take.
Deep inside, Onoda doesn’t know what to expect from Midousuji, didn’t know what was on his mind. He never knew what his significant other was contemplating, planning or whatever he’s thinking when he’s quiet. Onoda, however, managed to read his boyfriend’s body language. Right now, probably the best thing to do was accept his hand and allow the taller boy to take the lead.
When Onoda placed his palm on Midousuji’s, the all-rounder pulled the other gently until he was standing in front. Midousuji held Onoda’s waist, firmly keeping him in place. Dark-grey violet eyes bore into big, blue ones, like its searching for something. Onoda was distracted for a while, because he has never seen Midousuji look at him like that. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what to do. So he opens his mouth, ready to say something, but the other beat him to it.
“I’m not… good with words, Sakamichi.” Midousuji rasped, sighing softly. Midousuji’s sitting height was an inch or two taller than Onoda, so he didn’t have to bend when he leaned to rest his head on Onoda’s shoulder, breathing in the scent of his neck. “I’m not confident to say the things I really like about you, nor do I know the words you want to hear so that you won’t have to think so badly of yourself.”
Onoda gasped involuntarily, feeling all flustered and shy. Midousuji wrapped both of his arms around Onoda’s waist, enveloping his boyfriend into a hug. The all-rounder sighed again, and this time, he gave Onoda’s neck a peck. “I care about you, you troublesome zaku. You’re… my sunshine and I love you and this is gross.”
Midousuji gave Onoda’s waist a light squeeze to further emphasize his favorite word. Onoda, on the other hand, had completely lost the ability to speak. In almost two years that they have been together, this is the first time that Midousuji admitted that he loves Onoda, and he’s probably hugging him to hide his face in embarrassment. Suddenly, Onoda’s insecurities flew out of the window, with the promise of never returning back until the otaku feels down in the dumps again. Everything seemed so simple yet Onoda felt like he was in cloud nine. He should say something to Midousuji, say the words back and make the other feel that he was important too.
“M-Midousuji-kun… Uhm… Y-you know… you kind of already said the words that I needed and wanted to hear.”
“Hmm?”
“I mean… I don’t think I’ve heard you say ‘I love you’ to me before… and I-I-I want you to k-know that… I l-love you too.”
Onoda felt Midousuji tense, so he allowed his hands to move up and hold his boyfriend’s back. He slid his hands up and down repeatedly, silently soothing the other. Midousuji doesn’t understand why Onoda does that in the first place, but he soon began to discover that his lover is praising him, consoling him, loving him. It’s like he’s secretly being told that he’s done well and it’s okay to open himself up to the new things that he hasn’t experienced before.
Onoda has always had that effect; to assure others that they were secure in his presence, that there’s no need to hide from the sunlight, and that he can accept the dark void that lay inside their hearts. Midousuji often wondered what he did to deserve Onoda.
“Sakamichii,” the all-rounder started, licking his lips noisily, suggesting something else. His slick tongue licked Onoda’s throat, slowly kissing and biting the soft skin. He heard Onoda gasp, and that only encouraged Midousuji more. “Sakamichi, strip for me.”
“U-uhm…”
Midousuji disentangled himself to Onoda, gently tugging on his boyfriend’s sweater. “Strip. I want to make you feel good physically too.” They have done this for a lot of times already, and Midousuji already knows that Onoda still gets flustered and shy whenever he initiates the first step. The other was never the one to ask for it; he was always the one who waits, too afraid to voice out his need for such intimacy. Midousuji took Onoda’s glasses off slowly, folding it with care before placing it to the nightstand. He leaned his face close, close enough to tease the other’s open mouth with his warm breath.
It took a few seconds before Onoda ducked his head, pursed his lips and pulled the hem of his sweater. Unlike before, Onoda managed to get past his frantic, nervous self when he’s asked to do something like this in front of Midousuji. He removes his clothes slowly and with ease, like he’s putting on a show for the other.
“Good,” Midousuji whispered. “Now, I want you to lie down on your back, with your hands above your head.”
Onoda swallowed, his eyes slightly drooping, but wasted no time to do what he had been told. He heard the noise of their nightstand drawer open, and he involuntarily opened his legs more than he intended to. The bed was cool and it had been snowing for a few days now, instead of wrapping himself with the blanket to warm himself, Onoda has welcomed the chill that crept through his skin, moaning to the shiver that crept to his spine and craved for Midousuji’s touch even more.
Midousuji crawled on the bed, shirtless and throwing a bottle of lube and a foil packet beside Onoda’s hip. He positioned himself between Onoda’s legs, bringing his hands to the other’s knees to further spread them apart. “You like to do this dirty stuff, don’t you, you filthy and naughty zaku?” Midousuji slowly dragged his hands to Onoda’s thigh, slightly grazing his nails on the pale skin. Onoda bucked his hips and gasped in response, the sight of Midousuji’s tongue licking his stomach was enough to make him tilt his head back and close his eyes to hold back a moan.
“Watch me,” Midousuji stopped his ministration, causing the other to groan and glance at his boyfriend. “I’ll stop if I caught your eyes closed, and if you don’t keep your hands firmly in place. Are we clear?”
Onoda wasn’t able to reply, because his mouth was immediately occupied by Midousuji’s. He could feel the long, skillful tongue probing against his lips, asking for permission. So when Onoda opened his mouth, Midousuji quickly slipped his tongue inside to explore the other’s territory. Midousuji was watching Onoda as his tongue did magic to his boyfriend’s mouth. If only he knew that Onoda was more responsive and sensitive when being watched, he could have done this a long time ago.
Long fingers explored Onoda’s body in no haste, teasing the sensitive skin, causing the other to feel another wave of shiver run through his veins. Midousuji pulled back, nipping on the other’s jaw as his hands made its way to the pert nipples. “You’re ssso responsive. Look at how gross you are.”
“Ah—“ Onoda whimpered when Midousuji squeezed both of his nipples while his tongue licked the sensitive spot right below his ear. His body temperature was rising, his breath laborious and his groin was starting to seek attention.
“Disgusting. I bet you’re expecting me to fuck the life out of you like the little piece of slut you are.” Midousuji kissed and sucked on Onoda’s skin; from his neck, to his sternum, all the way down to his chest. He licked on Onoda’s nipple, his hand quickly grabbing Onoda’s hips to prevent them from bucking up.
Onoda was panting, mewling under Midousuji. His eyes dropped to slits, and his mouth was slightly agape. He was aware of Midousuji’s movements, of the tiny noises that he makes whenever his boyfriend teased the spots he knew Onoda was sensitive. It was hard not to close his eyes and relish on the feeling that Midousuji was giving him, but he fought hard to obey. And besides, it was really hot when Midousuji was giving him a show and make him feel good at the same time. The moment Midousuji rolled his tongue against Onoda’s hip, the spot so close to his cock, he couldn’t stop the high whine that came from his throat. He didn’t mean to close his eyes for a second or two, but Midousuji was true to his word; he immediately stopped his action and released Onoda’s thighs.
Midousuji gave the other a disapproving look. He titled his head when Onoda begged and pleaded, his eyebrows furrowed, his lust-blown eyes were doing things to his groin, and the movement of his lips as he chanted Midousuji’s name.
The all-rounder smacked his lips, hands returning to Onoda’s thighs, closing them before settling them to one side. “Lie on your side. I’m going to fuck you now.”
Onoda complied, quickly lying to his side while one hand clutched the pillow and the other went down his cock. He can hear Midousuji opening the condom, so he craned his neck to see that the other was staring back while the taller boy rolled the rubber on his impressive member. Onoda purred; the sight of his boyfriend was turning him on big time, especially when Midousuji finally lay behind him, one big hand settled on his hip, gently making its way to Onoda’s weeping cock. Midousuji placed his erection behind Onoda, probing, letting the other know how hard he is.
“Only you can do this to me,” Midousuji sighed close to Onoda’s nape, cock rested on Onoda’s backside.
The other boy couldn’t form the words he wanted to say—please, put it in, oh A-Akira—because he felt Midousuji’s long, slick fingers poking on his rim. Soon, he felt two digits slipping inside, brushing against his prostate, eliciting a loud moan from him.
“Say my name, Sakamichii.”
Midousuji inserted another finger, making Onoda shake in response. “A-ah! A-Akira-kun… A.. Akira-kun…”
The taller boy increased his pace, his other hand pumping Onoda’s cock excruciatingly slow. “Just my name,” he hissed. “Sakamichi.”
Onoda was aware that he was starting to pant like he was cycling. Midousuji’s torso was sticking to Onoda’s backside, grinding his hips up as he worked his fingers inside. Onoda could smell Midousuji’s scent everywhere, his presence enveloping him and his warmth protecting him from the chilly temperature of the room. He was drooling, the spikes of pleasure that surged through him was enough to build the heat beneath his stomach.
He knew that saying Midousuji’ first name did things to his boyfriend. He only calls Midousuji’s first name whenever when they’re in an happy or intimate setting—especially right now, when everything was just too much for Onoda. He tilted his head back as Midousuji’s thumb rubbed the tip of his erection, spreading the pre-cum that formed. “Mmm…. Akira… Akira… please.”
Midousuji pulled his fingers back, licking Onoda’s nape before sucking hickeys on his shoulder. He then positioned his erection to Onoda’s entrance, murmuring “good boy,” followed by sweet nothings that set Onoda’s senses on fire.
“Yessss,” the all-rounder sighed, completely satisfied when he managed to push himself inside Onoda deep, licking his lips as he cherished the hot muscles around him.
Onoda grind his hips backward, asking for his boyfriend to start thrusting into him. “A-Akira… Please, move.”
One of the rarest things that happen during sex is when Onoda is saying bold things like ‘harder, faster,’ and even ‘more, please, Akira.’ And Midousuji isn’t complaining; no, not when he’s starting to feel the familiar sensation pooling in his balls. He pushed his hips frantically, his other hand pumping Onoda’s cock in time with his thrusts.
Together, they reached the brink yet Midousuji couldn’t bring himself to stop right there; he rode out his orgasm, bringing Onoda with him as his hand continued to pump his boyfriend. He was panting, gasping for air when his movements slowed down until he stopped, resting his forehead on Onoda’s nape and smelling the aftermath of sex.
Midousuji pulled out of Onoda when he regained his breath and felt the electrifying feeling subside. He removed the condom, tying it on the end and throwing it effortlessly inside the trash bin. He dipped his head to kiss Onoda’s sweaty temple, eyes and cheeks. Onoda turned his head, catching Midousuji’s lips and kissed him passionately.
The two lovers had fallen asleep in each other’s arms, the warmth of their comforter and body heat was enough to give them a good slumber.
***
“Wah!” Onoda screamed, immediately falling from the bed with a loud thud.
Midousuji was already awake a few minutes after Onoda’s alarm went off. He was responsible for Onoda being late to whatever appointment he has today, but he doesn’t feel any guilt at all. He lay still on his side of the bed, eyes closed while he listened to Onoda’ hurried movements inside their bedroom.
He has been thinking a lot of things when he woke up, and has convinced himself to be a little more open and vocal to what he really feels for Onoda. Maybe he was just a overwhelmed and scared to do it again, love without reservations. He remembered his mom, and the times when he really felt joy when he was visiting him. Does that make any difference with what he feels with Onoda? He’s sure that he’s prepared to give his all to his boyfriend, especially when it’s Onoda who has seen right through Midousuji’s soul.
He couldn’t afford to lose someone he truly loves again.
When the taller boy felt Onoda’s presence in front of him, probably fumbling with his glasses, he decided to finally peek up on him. And he was right.
“A-ah! G-good morning! I’m meeting up with Naruko-kun today to help him pick a gift for Imaizumi-kun. I woke up almost an hour late so I really have to go now and—“
“Sakamichi.”
“Ah! Y-yes, Mido…?”
Midousuji finally sat up, giving no care to his disheveled hair. He leaned close to Onoda, giving him a light peck on the lips. “Have fun. I love you.”
That morning, Onoda has witnessed one of the rarest, genuine smiles that Midousuji made. He stopped moving for a moment, too absorbed with the sight in front of him.
“I think the last time I smiled like this is when I finally allowed myself to fall in love with you. Now get going and take care, you sloppy zaku.”