Chapter Text
The sounds of dishes clanking from the restaurant kitchen were invading Shadowheart’s sensitive ears as she leaned against the waiter’s station, tapping a foot impatiently and eyeing the large group that had come in two hours ago for lunch. They had been ordering appetizers for the past half hour, just snacking as they chatted and continued nursing their mimosas, and despite Shadowheart checking on them every few minutes, they had yet to ask for their check.
Someone nudged her suddenly and she stood up straighter, looking to the left at her manager, Gale. “I can finish with them if you need to leave,” he told her kindly. He was a very kind manager, both to his employees and his customers, which was why he didn’t rush anyone out when the restaurant was about to close after the lunch hours.
Shadowheart sighed. “I need the tip,” she muttered, eyeing them.
“You’ll still get it,” Gale assured her, but she shook her head.
“If they notice I’ve left, I’m sure they won’t leave as good of one. It’s fine, really. The kitchen’s closed now, so I can bring them their check in a second.”
Gale nodded and then disappeared to go do… whatever else he needed to do before closing. The restaurant was empty aside from the large group, and Shadowheart didn’t understand how they hadn’t taken the hint.
Finally, she printed their check and brought it over to them, plastering on her best customer service smile. “Just wanted to bring this over for whenever you’re ready,” she recited as brightly as possible. Thankfully, they handed her a card while laughing about how late it had gotten.
She ran the payment and started her usual routine of praying to any god that might listen that they would leave a nice big tip. Then she was forced to go be idle elsewhere after returning it, trying not to watch the man scrawling numbers across the bill.
Finally, she got to take a look. Fifteen percent. Not terrible, but not great considering how long they’d spent at the restaurant. She sighed but shrugged it off as she went to enter the amount into the system as quickly as she possibly could, shouted a goodbye to Gale, and bolted out the door.
The restaurant she worked at, Sunrise Haven, was open from dawn to just around two in the afternoon, which was the reason she’d applied to work here. It was difficult to find any jobs that fit with her life’s schedule, and she was beyond grateful for this one, even if the hours of the day meant tipping wasn’t always as great. She made enough to support herself, and the city provided her with welfare enough to cover her other expenses.
She didn’t always love living in Baldur’s Gate, but in the past five or so years, the city council really had made huge strides in supporting those with less in the city. It was wonderfully timed for her, given her six-year-old daughter, Ember. Ember, who would’ve gotten out of school already, and who she was running late to pick up.
In times like these, she really wished she had a car, but she couldn’t justify the expense when her apartment was such a close walk to Ember’s school and to Sunrise Haven. She used to have one when she worked across the city and had sold it when getting this much more convenient, but lower paying, job.
It was fifteen minutes after Ember’s school let out that she finally arrived, knowing that most of the students would’ve been picked up by now. Pushing open the front door, she found three kindergarteners sitting together on a bench, talking adorably as they waited, their teacher sitting behind the front desk.
Ember was kicking her pale legs, pink tennis shoes untied for some reason and the laces flicking around at the movement. Her jet black hair was braided today in two braids that framed her face, although they were much messier than when Shadowheart had woven them this morning. She didn’t notice Shadowheart coming in for a second, too enraptured by the story the little boy next to her was telling, her hazel eyes wide and her pointed ears lifted as she listened intently.
But the story was forgotten as soon as she did sense Shadowheart’s presence, and she turned with a grin. “Mama!” she exclaimed, jumping up from the bench and running up to her with wide open arms. Shadowheart dropped to her knees in an instant, embracing her daughter, eyes falling closed.
There was no better feeling than holding Ember in her arms like this. It slowed her heart rate, calming her anxieties from work, and reminded her of her purpose in this world. To nurture and love this tiny person, almost a little clone of herself. Every difficult part of life was worth it when she held her daughter in her arms.
“Guess what!” Ember exclaimed, pulling back and reaching around into her backpack. “Sera and Perci invited me to their birthday party this weekend!” She produced an envelope from her bag and immediately thrust it into Shadowheart’s hands before looking back at the two other kindergartners sitting on the bench.
Shadowheart glanced up at them—she recognized them from pickup times and from the first day of school orientation earlier in the school year. Twin tiefling children with dark red skin and small, brown, curled horns peeking out of their foreheads. The little boy had his black hair in cornrows atop his head, while his sister’s was bunched into two adorable buns. She recognized their names, too, from Ember’s stories about school. “That’s so nice,” she murmured, thumbing open the envelope to look at the invitation.
“Can we go?” Ember pleaded, her eyes going wide with hope, small hands clasped together in front of her.
Shadowheart looked at the party information and was relieved to see that it would be doable this weekend. “Yep, it looks like we can!” she told her daughter happily, grinning when Ember squealed with excitement and then ran back to her friends to give their RSVP in person. Shadowheart chuckled, making a mental note to text the number on the invitation their official RSVP as well.
Rising to her feet and about to call Ember to go, Shadowheart jumped a little in surprise at the door behind her opening, and she stepped out of the way. The woman who entered the school, though, bared no resemblance to the last two children awaiting pickup, and Shadowheart was certain she hadn’t seen her at kinder orientation.
She was a githyanki, and Shadowheart blinked as she watched the woman move to the front desk. She hadn’t seen a githyanki in person before—there weren’t many of them in the city as far as she’d always known—and she was instantly struck by how attractive the woman was. She was wearing a tight tank top with her black jeans, showing off the rippling muscles in her arms. “Apologies for the tardiness,” she said, sounding almost like a soldier. “Wyll’s meeting ran late and Karlach could not get out of work just yet either. They called me to come pick up the twins.”
“No worries at all, Miss K’liir, Karlach called to let me know,” the teacher assured with a smile.
The three children were still talking happily as the gith nodded to the teacher and then turned toward them. “Seraphina, Percival, it is time to go.”
Three sets of eyes turned to look at the woman, and Ember bluntly asked, “Who’s that?”
“That’s our auntie Lae!” Sera informed her with a wide grin.
“I thought aunties had to look like one of your parents.”
“Ember,” Shadowheart quickly intervened, “that’s not polite.” She held out a hand and Ember acquiesced, moving back over to her to take it.
“Worry not,” the gith said to Shadowheart, turning to face the woman as the two tiefling children pulled their backpacks on and got up off of the bench. Her eyes were golden and almost reptilian looking, sharp and attentive. She had a small, slightly upturned nose and dark spots across her cheeks and forehead, framing her eyes, and her seemingly long auburn-brown hair was currently pulled up into a bun, save for two small braids that fell on either side of her face.
Shadowheart was too caught up in staring to realize that the woman was now directing her attention to Ember.
“You are correct, little elf,” the gith said, voice surprisingly gentle considering how she’d spoken to the teacher, “aunts and uncles do usually resemble parents. I am simply an exception.”
Ember scrutinized the woman, eyes narrowing. After a moment, she finally spoke again, saying, “I’m a half elf.”
“My apologies,” the gith said. “Little half elf.”
That pleased Ember, who smiled and asked, “Are you going to be at Sera and Perci’s birthday party, too?”
“Of course she is!” Perci butted in, grabbing onto the woman’s arm and tugging. “Auntie Lae has never missed a party.”
The woman—Lae?—said, “Yes, I will be there,” before turning her attention back to Shadowheart, who realized she’d just been standing there and staring. In fact, she probably seemed quite rude. “Lae’zel,” the gith introduced, offering a hand and standing up quite straight.
Shadowheart took the hand and shook it embarrassedly, trying not to pay attention to how soft the woman’s palm was. “Shadowheart. Pleasure.”
Golden eyes were quite clearly sizing her up, and she felt herself straightening self-consciously. She knew she must look a bit of a mess, still in her waitressing outfit with flyaway hairs likely trying to escape her usual braid after a busy day of work. “Are you a friend of Karlach and Wyll?”
“Oh—no, I’m not sure I’ve actually met them,” Shadowheart answered. “Seems like the kids are quite close, though.”
Lae’zel nodded in understanding, and for a second, Shadowheart thought she was waiting for her to say something else. Usually, she was fairly good at speaking to people, but something about Lae’zel was causing words to simply get stuck in her throat. “Well, I should get these two home. Sera, Perci, say goodbye to your friend.”
“See you tomorrow, Ember!” the twins chimed together, before each taking one of Lae’zel’s hands.
“Bye!” Ember returned with an excited grin.
The three left the school, and Shadowheart would’ve been right behind them if it weren’t for Ember’s teacher calling out, “Miss Hallowleaf, may I speak with you a moment?”
Sighing inwardly, she moved over to the desk whilst murmuring to Ember for her to tie her shoes. “I’m so sorry for being late,” she apologized immediately, before adding with a wince, ”again.”
“It’s alright,” the teacher assured her, brushing some of her pink hair behind her ear, “it’s just, we expect a call if you’re going to be late. Is there any way you can let us know ahead of time? Or… is there no one else who could pick her up in those cases?”
Shadowheart stiffened, her defenses rising in an instant. “I can try to call when I know I’ll be late, but I come straight from work. And no, as I’ve told you before, there is no one else who can come.”
“Right,” the teacher said with a soft sigh. “We would appreciate it if you could call, though.”
“Sure,” she said, making a mental note to do so the next time she was rushing out of work. She was usually way too focused on running through traffic safely to think about making the phone call.
“Alright, well. Have a good day, Miss Hallowleaf. And see you tomorrow, Ember!”
“Bye Mrs. Nightshade!”
Shadowheart guided Ember out of the school, eyes flicking over to where Lae’zel was loading the twins into a really nice, four door truck, the two children chattering loudly about their day. Shadowheart noticed the way Ember stared after them longingly, wanting to spend more time with her friends, but it wasn’t difficult to draw her attention. “How was your day, sweet girl?”
Ember looked up at her with bright eyes as they started their usual walk to their apartment building. “It was really fun. We practiced our second unit of reading words and Mrs. Nightshade said I did really good at sounding them out. And Perci and Sera told me about their party! It’s space themed!”
“Do you want to get them space themed gifts, then?”
Ember’s lips stretched into a wide grin, revealing her pearly white baby teeth and the one gap where she’d lost a tooth just last week. “Yes! Can we shop today?”
“Not today, love,” Shadowheart told her apologetically. It was the last day of the month, and she wouldn’t exactly have extra spending money until getting paid tomorrow.
But that wasn’t easy to explain to a six year old. She was quick to offer a solution before a pout could form on Ember’s little face.
“How about tomorrow after school?”
“Okay,” Ember relented, skipping a little. “Mama, what does exception mean?”
Shadowheart’s lips pulled into a small smile, remembering what the gith—Lae’zel—had said to Ember. “It means… something different than the usual. Your friends’ aunt was saying that she is an unusual aunt, not looking like either of their parents.” Ember’s eyebrows furrowed in thought. “Aunts and uncles are usually the siblings of parents, which is why they usually look similar. But not everyone is related by blood to their siblings. Sometimes, family comes together in unexpected ways. And we’ve talked about how every family looks different.”
“Yeah,” Ember agreed, “like how I don’t have a daddy or another mum.”
Shadowheart felt her heart squeeze painfully and she looked up at the cloudy sky, hoping her daughter didn’t notice the pained expression on her face. “Right,” she murmured. “There’s no one right way for a family to look.”
“I wish I had an auntie,” Ember mused, sounding thoughtful but not truly sad. “How do I get one?”
Shadowheart swallowed. “Unfortunately, it’s not quite in our control whether or not we have aunts or uncles.” Ember frowned, and Shadowheart’s heart ached deeply. Taking a breath, she suddenly and dramatically scooped her little girl up into her arms, causing Ember to break out into a fit of giggles. “It’s just you and me in our little family, sweet girl.”
Ember was still giggling as she wrapped her arms around Shadowheart’s neck. “Don’t forget Pebble!”
“Oh, I could never forget Pebble!”
“But you just did!” Shadowheart narrowed her eyes in a playful glare at her daughter, who giggled again. A small hand reached out and she tapped her index finger on Shadowheart’s nose. “You’re silly, mama.”
“I guess that’s where you get it from, then,” Shadowheart said. She pressed a kiss to Ember’s nose and then set her daughter back on the sidewalk. Ember dutifully held her hand as they crossed the last crosswalk on their journey home, and then Shadowheart asked, “Shall we race home?”
A mischievous grin appeared on Ember’s face, the little girl tearing her hand away and taking off without answering.
“Cheater!” Shadowheart exclaimed, dodging around a random passerby who was looking at her like she was crazy as she ran after the child. Or jogged, more like, since Ember was slowed down by her backpack. She couldn’t get enough of the proud look Ember would have when she beat her to the building, and so Shadowheart was sure she would never win this race.
Later that night, Shadowheart laid exhausted across the frayed fabric of the old couch in their living room. Their grey tabby cat, Pebble, was curled up on her stomach, getting absently scratched behind the ear as Shadowheart scrolled through her social media pages on her phone. She had no business being this exhausted. Realistically, Ember was getting easier and easier to manage by herself the older she got. Tantrums were much fewer and further between than when she was younger, and she could eat and play on her own. And with this morning job, Shadowheart had ample time to spend with her after school, helping with her assignments, reading to her, and just entertaining the energetic little girl. But doing it all alone would never not be at least a little exhausting and having spent pretty much the whole day on her feet, her body ached for rest by the time she put Ember to bed every night.
Social media didn’t help her relax or recuperate, but she found it had become habit to check it before getting ready for bed each night. She wasn’t friends with many people online, considering the only adults she spent any time with were her coworkers. Her current workplace had the nicest people she’d ever worked with, so she was friends with them online. Gale had something new on his page every day, either a ramble about something super nerdy, or a tagged post from his boyfriend, Astarion. Even though Gale was super nice and a great manager, Shadowheart secretly, and only slightly, preferred Astarion out of the two of them. He was a hair stylist at a place down the road from Sunrise, and he often dropped in for his lunch break. He and Gale were the closest things that Shadowheart had to actual friends.
Tonight, the couple had gone out for drinks with some of their friends, people Shadowheart didn’t recognize. She absently liked their posts and then locked her phone, dropping it next to her and continuing to scratch behind Pebble’s ear. She stared up at the ceiling and sighed.
There was a time where this feeling of emptiness, of being alone in the dark, was supposed to bring her comfort. She’d thought it had, until she’d gotten pregnant and her entire outlook on life had changed. When she’d cut everything, and everyone, she’d known for a decade out of her life in the hopes to make better decisions for the daughter she hadn’t meant to bring into the world. To fix the life she’d ruined in order to keep Ember from ever following in her footsteps.
And now in these moments, when she felt that dark, cold loneliness seeping through her, she wondered if there was anything else in this world besides Ember that could bring her any amount of real, unadulterated happiness.
Sighing, she sat up, causing Pebble to meow in frustration and jump off onto the floor. She went through the motions of getting things ready for bed—feeding the cat, scooping the litter, running the dishwasher, then moving into the bathroom she shared with Ember to shower off the day and brush her teeth. Finally, she fell into her unmade bed, reminding herself that in the morning, she would most likely wake up to her little angel curling up next to her, wanting cuddles before starting the day. All she had to do to get there was sleep, so she finally drifted off.
“What do Sera and Perci like, then?” Shadowheart asked the following afternoon, after having followed Ember through the toy aisles for ten minutes, unable to find anything that her daughter considered good enough for her friends’ birthday gifts.
“I told you, they like cool stuff,” Ember insisted, huffing and turning around the corner into yet another aisle.
Shadowheart had a feeling that cool stuff meant things that were out of her price range, and she suppressed a sigh at the thought. “Well, they’re your friends, and they’ll love whatever you choose for them, you know,” Shadowheart insisted, wondering if that was really true. She could barely remember her own childhood birthday parties, having spent so many years trying to block out anything about the first eighteen years of her life. Trying to welcome the loss of it. Just thinking about the teachings she’d abandoned six years ago made her want to scoff.
“I know,” Ember said with a sigh. Her little hazel eyes surveyed the shelves of this aisle. “Ooh! Rocket ships!” Shadowheart followed her daughter’s eyeline and looked at the toys on the second from the top shelf. “Do they light up?”
Shadowheart grabbed one and handed it to her daughter and, to Ember’s delight, they did light up. “Can we get them both one?” Ember asked with that pleading look in her eyes.
Shadowheart only glanced at the price tag before nodding, making the decision quickly so as to not allow Ember to notice her thinking. They could swing it.
Ember squealed excitedly, pointing out the two colors she wanted for her friends, and Shadowheart dropped both in her basket before they made their way through the store toward the card aisle. They picked out two gift bags matching the colors of the rocket ships, and then Shadowheart directed Ember to the kids’ birthday cards, asking her to pick one she liked.
Ember was looking closely at the different designs as someone rounded the corner into the aisle. Shadowheart looked up, her eyebrows raising when she recognized that it was Lae’zel, the woman who had picked up the tiefling twins the day before. The gith didn’t notice her right away, her eyes trained on the cards before seeming to notice Ember. Only then did her eyes lift to meet Shadowheart’s.
“Hello,” Shadowheart blurted, heart skipping as those eyes met hers, before silently berating herself. What if Lae’zel didn’t even remember her from yesterday? Or, regardless, maybe she didn’t want to engage in small talk whilst out shopping. Shadowheart was tempted to have Ember pick the card she was currently looking at just so they could make a hasty escape.
But then, Lae’zel tilted her head, and her long ears twitched a little. “Shadowheart,” she recalled, and Shadowheart nodded.
Ember looked up from where she stood, eyes brightening at the sight of Lae’zel. “Mama, it’s Sera and Perci’s Auntie Lae!”
“I see that,” Shadowheart said with an embarrassed chuckle. “Do you want to step aside, Ember, so she can look at the cards?”
“I can wait,” Lae’zel insisted, and Ember took that as her cue to continue perusing. Shadowheart glanced around nervously for a second before her eyes met Lae’zel’s again.
“Gift shopping for the twins?” Shadowheart forced the question out, hoping to seem like her heart wasn’t in her throat. It was pretty embarrassing, actually, the fact that simply seeing this woman in front of her had her falling all over herself. Shadowheart had put romance out of her mind over a decade ago, and she’d further sworn off sexual encounters after getting pregnant with Ember. But she’d never simply looked at someone and had such a visceral reaction before. No one had ever caught her eye quite like this woman.
“I already have their gifts picked out,” Lae’zel answered, “but realized earlier today that I forgot a card.” Shadowheart nodded, her mouth dry as she tried to keep her eyes on Lae’zel’s rather than looking down at her exposed arms. She was wearing a black t-shirt with some kind of company logo in the top corner, and dark pants.
“Just got off of work?” Shadowheart wondered, when she realized that her gaze had shifted and felt she needed to justify it.
“Actually, I am headed to work. I work, part time, at a bar down the street.”
Shadowheart tilted her head, thinking of what bars were on the street. “The Iron Mug?” Shadowheart wondered, and Lae’zel nodded, raising her eyebrows.
“Have you been?” Lae’zel’s eyes were taking her in with interest, and Shadowheart couldn’t help but blush a little at the attention. God, she was repressed. A hot girl just looked at her for longer than a second and she was already acting a fool.
She got ahold of herself and laughed a little, shaking her head. “Um, no, I don’t really have time for that.” She gestured playfully at Ember, who was squinting really hard at one of the cards, her lips moving silently as she sounded out the words on it. “I—we—live a couple of blocks away, so we pass it often.”
“I see.” Lae’zel looked down at Ember and then back at Shadowheart, who couldn’t decipher the look in her eyes. “You will be attending the party at the Ravengards’ this weekend?”
“Yes,” Shadowheart answered shyly, and it only just now occurred to her that she would need to socialize at said party. Sure, she could sit wordlessly while watching her daughter participate, but she was certain the other parents and adults there would be hanging out together. This would be Ember’s first time attending a birthday party at someone’s house, and that meant this was a brand-new experience to Shadowheart too. The only other party they’d ever attended was a year ago, during preschool, when one of the kids had a small one at a park. There hadn’t been any cake or anything, just kids playing on playground equipment while the adults hung around, so Shadowheart had had no issue occupying herself on her phone a few benches away from the others.
It would be different this weekend. She’d be in someone else’s home; she couldn’t just sit by herself in silence the whole time.
“Um,” Shadowheart finally murmured, realizing Lae’zel hadn’t said anything back yet, “Ember is very excited.” Lae’zel nodded, and Shadowheart blinked, her brain searching for anything else to say or ask. She really needed Ember to hurry up in picking a card. “How are you related to the Ravengard family?” she ended up blurting, remembering the whole interaction the day before.
“I have been friends with them since they met each other,” Lae’zel answered. “I have known Karlach even longer than that. Just about sixteen years.”
“Wow,” Shadowheart murmured, “that explains being an aunt to her kids, then.”
“Yes.”
Shadowheart nodded, feeling awkward again in a second and looking down at her daughter. She was still staring at the same card. “Do you like that one, love?” she asked, crouching next to Ember and eyeing the card. It was easily the most colorful on the shelf, with a set of cartoony, rainbow balloons across the front, along with an elephant holding them by their strings using his trunk, and the words Happy Birthday! along the bottom. Inside, where Ember was staring, was a simple message wishing the receiver a happy and exciting year, leaving ample space for custom messages scrawled in a child’s large lettering.
“I like the colors,” Ember said, “can you tell me what it says?” Shadowheart relayed the messages, and Ember nodded decidedly. “It’s perfect! Do we get two?”
“I think they’ll be okay with just one,” Shadowheart answered, trying to ignore the feeling of Lae’zel watching her and Ember speak.
Ember shrugged. “Okay! Let’s go, I’m hungry!”
Putting the card in her basket and straightening up, Shadowheart glanced back at Lae’zel, whose eyes were still on her. “Sorry again for being in your way,” she murmured.
“No need to apologize,” Lae’zel told her evenly. “I look forward to seeing you on Saturday, Shadowheart.”
Shadowheart’s cheeks pinked, and she mumbled a quick, “me, too!” before guiding Ember out of the aisle and toward the checkout lines.
“Are you okay, mama?” Ember asked far too loudly, and Shadowheart gently hushed her.
“I’m fine, love, let’s go ahead and buy everything so we can go home and eat some dinner.”
Ember pouted, and Shadowheart braced herself for whatever the request from her daughter would be. “I want the pork pies from the heart light.”
“The Hearth Light,” Shadowheart corrected absently, sighing and thinking about the diner next door to their apartment building. It was so hard to resist that pout, and it was all too convenient to grab food from the diner. “I’ll get you pork pies today if you promise to be okay with my cooking over the weekend.”
Ember’s pout immediately flipped into a grin. “Yay!”
Shadowheart suppressed a smile as they went up to an open cashier. She wished she could spoil her daughter with her favorite foods and activities every day, but whatever she could manage was good enough. And at least buying birthday gifts had a big payoff of Ember getting to spend time with her friends at a party, and a free meal and cake.
And once again, Shadowheart felt anxiety over needing to socialize at said party. She glanced back toward where they’d spoken to Lae’zel without thinking as the cashier rung up their items, wondering if she’d end up getting to know her a bit more this weekend. Or would Lae’zel be spending more time with her niece and nephew, or her closer friends?
Part of her hoped that that would be the case—the same part that dreaded the idea of speaking to Lae’zel again for fear how much of a fool she might make of herself.
The rest of her, though, couldn’t wait to see her again, and hoped she might get a chance to get to know her beyond how damn attractive she was.
7 Years Ago
The sound of crickets from outside the bedroom window echoed through the back of Shadowheart’s mind as she texted an unsaved number on her phone. She was hidden under the covers of her twin sized bed. The living quarters in the House of Grief were small and cramped, and this was the only way she could really get any privacy. Her fellow acolytes did the same usually, minding their own business.
But not all of them.
Shadowheart felt the dip in her mattress and immediately locked her phone, pulling the covers off from over her head.
Nocturne sat on her bed, the smirk on her face accompanying her raised eyebrow. “What are you up to? Seems a little early to be in bed.”
The purple haired tiefling was right—the other two girls who shared this small room with the two of them were talking quietly on their beds, not readied for sleep yet. Shadowheart wasn’t either, though. “I won’t be sleeping for a while.”
“You’re sneaking out again tonight.”
Nocturne sounded a little concerned as she made the assumption. Although she was Shadowheart’s best friend, they didn’t always agree on matters of faith. It was a recent problem, one that had arisen mostly in the last couple of years or so. Shadowheart had begun to want for things unattainable within the cloister and in her every day routine preaching and worshipping. Nocturne worried for her, but Shadowheart had found a way to make it all work. “It’ll be the last time for a while,” she told her friend, “He’s leaving tomorrow.”
“You know Mother Superior would be really angry if she ever caught you, right?”
“Do you know that I’m not the only one who sneaks out? Don’t worry, Nocturne. She won’t find out, and it’s not causing any harm. It’s just a bit of fun. And since he’ll be gone tomorrow, there’s more loss to embrace from it.”
Nocturne just sighed. “Alright. Just be careful, okay?”
“I’m always careful,” Shadowheart insisted with a small smile. Her phone buzzed and she looked down at the message from the unsaved number. She never saved the contacts of her lovers, and she always deleted the conversations as soon as they were done. Like she told Nocturne, she was careful.
I’m back at my hotel room. Come by whenever. I cannot wait to see you.
Nocturne peered at the message and smirked. “He sounds smitten.”
“They always are, Noc. The unattainable is particularly attractive to these noble types.” Shadowheart began to climb out of bed, revealing that she’d been fully dressed and ready to go all along. She moved toward the window, the sounds of crickets getting louder. “I’ll see you in the morning?”
“Yeah. Have fun, I guess.”
Shadowheart winked at her best friend. “Oh, don’t worry, I will.”
Shadowheart breathed heavily where she was sprawled across the expensive, ornate bed in the center of the hotel room. Her bare skin was shiny with sweat, and a rough hand was stroking her thigh too tenderly. The owner of said hand was lying next to her, just as naked.
“Damn,” he murmured appreciatively. “You know, I’ve never met someone like you, Shadowheart.”
Shadowheart made a noise of acknowledgement, then murmuring, “Perhaps there is no one else like me.”
“Perhaps,” his charming voice laughed out. “You are the kind of woman I could stick around for.”
Shadowheart stared blankly at the ceiling. “You’re leaving, back to Athkatla, tomorrow.”
“Yes,” he confirmed, “but I don’t have to. Nothing worthwhile is waiting for me there.”
Shadowheart scoffed then, sitting up suddenly and pulling her hair over her shoulder, brushing her fingers through it. “Even if you stay,” she bit out, “this is our last night like this. I’ve made my intentions quite clear to you already.”
“I know,” he said sadly, “but I feel like I’ve started to get to know you now, and—“
“You haven’t,” she snapped, pushing down the panic in her chest. “You only know what I want you to know. And therefore, you should be well aware that my devotion can only go toward my faith and the cloister. Little trysts like this are all I am interested in.”
“I’ve heard the way you talk about your little cloister,” he said pointedly, and Shadowheart had a feeling he’d wanted to use a different word—the one that would set her off. “Those people don’t truly care about you. You’re not happy—“
“It’s not about being happy,” she hissed. “It’s about welcoming the—“
“Loss, I fucking know,” he growled. “That cult has just about beat that into you, haven’t they?”
She rose to her feet now, a mix of panic and rage swimming through her. She started to grab for her clothes and noticed the discarded condom on the ground. Was that… “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” she growled.
“What now?”
“The fucking condom broke. Now I need to sneak out to a fucking pharmacy in the morning.”
“Shit. Well, let me—“
“No!” Shadowheart snapped. “You’ve done enough. I don’t ever want to see you again. Have a nice life in Athkatla.”
The next morning, Shadowheart did mean to go and get the morning after pill. But she didn’t want anyone to know where she’d been, especially not Viconia, Mother Superior of the cloister, the closest to the voice of their Lady of Loss that there was. So as soon as Viconia summoned her at the crack of dawn to help prepare for her midday sermon and lecture, her trip out had gotten delayed.
She didn’t get a chance to take Plan B until four days later, in fact.
She thought nothing of it, though. Even when it seemed like her period was running late three weeks later, she attributed it to stress. The cloister was under a lot of scrutiny at the moment, and the faithful were busy preaching and recruiting and making positive appearances, especially in the upper city where people kept a closer eye on them.
But when two periods had been missed, and Shadowheart began to wake in the morning feeling nauseous, it finally occurred to her.
There was no doubt now. She’d waited too long to take the Plan B.
She was pregnant.
“What are you going to do?” Nocturne’s voice was hushed and fearful. She and Shadowheart were huddled close together in their otherwise empty room, as far from the door as possible so as to not be overheard. “I mean… you can’t raise a baby here, can you? There’s no nursery…”
Shadowheart scoffed. “The lack of a nursery is the least of the problems. Can you imagine raising a child in this place regardless? Under our teachings? It’d be… miserable.”
“Shadowheart,” Nocturne said warningly, “I know you’ve struggled with our mission and your faith lately but think about all the good it’s done. Right?”
Shadowheart thought back to when she joined the cloister. After she graduated high school and was about to start college, when a gas leak in her family’s old home caused it to go up in flames, taking her parents and all her possessions with it. She’d lost everything and hadn’t known how to cope. The House of Grief, a cloister dedicated to honoring Shar, the Lady of Loss, offered teachings to ease her pain. And she’d embraced it, for better or for worse.
But she’d chosen this life. And the child inside of her hadn’t. “How can this child embrace loss,” she murmured, “if it would never possess anything in the first place? Must it lose me as its mother? Viconia would probably raise it herself or—make me give it up completely.”
“Maybe that’s what would be best?” Nocturne wondered worriedly. Shadowheart could plainly see the fear etched in her expression. Unlike Shadowheart, Nocturne didn’t often question the Mother Superior or the teachings of the cloister. Usually, Shadowheart thought her friend better than her for it. But in this case, imagining Viconia making decisions about a child who didn’t ask to be brought into the faith made her feel sick.
“No,” she sighed out. “I can’t let that happen. I’ll have to… I can’t keep it, but neither can anyone else. I’ll go to a clinic tomorrow, get it taken care of. The Mother Superior won’t ever have to know.”
Nocturne nodded solemnly. “Do you want me to come with you? We can say we’re going canvassing—“
“No, it’s alright,” Shadowheart insisted. “I got myself into this, fooling around with that noble. I’ll get myself out of it.”
Neither of them knew in that moment that this would be their last day spent together in the cloister. That Shadowheart would arrive at the clinic the following day only to break down into tears, unable to go through with her decision. Instead, she’d wind up in a dirty motel, trying to figure out why she couldn’t bring herself to lose the child. She’d chalk it up to fear and further attribute herself not going back to the cloister after that to an extension of her fear.
It would take her a while to realize the truth, but eventually she would. The cloister had been her home for a while, and just like the father of her child had said, she wasn’t happy there. She’d used the teachings to cope with her loss, but then had made that loss her entire existence. It weighed her down for a decade. She didn’t want that for this child, but eventually she’d realize the truth: she didn’t want it for herself anymore, either.
Shadowheart was seated behind the receptionist desk in the salon she’d started working at three months ago. With her swollen belly, she struggled to fit in the chair behind the desk that was honestly way too small for this job. It didn’t help that the setup wasn’t comfortable either, making her back pain even worse every day.
But she needed this position. It was her third job since she left the cloister. Three jobs in the span of six months. It wasn’t a great start, but to her credit, she’d never worked a real job before. Some of the acolytes at the cloister had gone out and worked real jobs to help support the House of Grief, but that had never been Shadowheart’s role. She’d been groomed from the time she’d turned twenty, two years after joining, to lead and instruct. She hadn’t ever been sure why the Mother Superior had chosen her for that, but when she was young, she’d taken it so seriously. She’d given her everything to the cloister.
That said, hearing her child’s father speak against the Sharrans wasn’t the first time she’d heard such things said against her faith. It was something the cloister faced endlessly. Judgment and shame for embracing something that brought most everyone else pain. Shadowheart had thought them all foolish and herself superior, having welcomed the emptiness, and been welcomed into it in return.
Eventually, though, it had begun to wear on her. She’d been drawn to people outside the cloister. But after nearly getting caught with a woman who lived a few blocks away from the house, she’d sworn to only see people who didn’t live in the city.
And so started her little trysts.
She never saw someone for more than a week, usually. Her child’s father had been the first exception.
And look where that had gotten her.
Sighing, she looked down at her pregnant belly. By her doctor’s recommendation, she shouldn’t be working anymore and should be strictly on bedrest until her baby was born. But she had no one else to provide for her or this child, and she was doing all she could to save money for the weeks after the birth.
She was dreading it, was absolutely terrified. She sometimes couldn’t even believe this decision she’d made. For weeks after leaving the cloister, she considered finally going back to the clinic, taking care of the problem, and heading back home. She had no idea if Nocturne had ever told the Mother Superior where she’d gone or why, or what her best friend thought might’ve happened to her. She hadn’t been within ten blocks of the cloister since she left. She didn’t want to risk being spotted, and she knew all the spots where the Sharran acolytes worked, volunteered, and made public appearances.
It meant that she knew no one in the new area of the lower city in which she lived. The only people she’d really met were her coworkers and, given how quickly she’d been let go from her first two jobs, she was pretty sure they didn’t like her. At this job, the manicurists didn’t even try to talk to her. They were a tight knit group, and Shadowheart was the odd one out as the receptionist. But the job paid well, and they’d kept her around three months now. The owner wasn’t exactly thrilled at the fact that Shadowheart would need to go on leave for a few weeks after giving birth, but legally she had to allow it. And Shadowheart had worn baggy clothes for her first interview, so her being pregnant hadn’t prevented her from getting the job in the first place, at least.
She didn’t really mind not having any friends right now. How could she give anyone else any of her attention when she didn’t even know who she was anymore?
The only unfortunate thing about it was that she had no one to support her in having this child, making the task even more daunting.
But she’d stopped being tempted to go back to the cloister the longer she held this baby inside of her. When she started feeling the little kicks and movements inside her belly, feeling the life she was growing, more and more she’d felt she’d made the right decision in keeping the child, and keeping it away from Viconia and the other Sharrans.
Today, her aches were worse than normal, and she was having pains in other parts of her body as well. Not to mention that she was sleep deprived and had to pee every half hour on the dot. She was being a pretty shitty receptionist, in all honesty, but she managed to push through her pain for the most part.
The end of the day finally came, and she was taking her usual walk home when she suddenly felt her insides clench—contract. “Shit,” she hissed, stumbling a little and leaning against a brick wall. Some passersby eyed her curiously, and one older woman immediately became concerned. The kind stranger helped her get a cab to the hospital, even doing so much as to pay for it, and pretty soon, Shadowheart was lying in a sterile white bed in a sterile white room.
The nurses had fussed over her when she first arrived, but then determined that she was alright for now, and she now laid alone. The TV in the corner played some kind of nature show that she might’ve been interested in, once upon a time. But in this moment, it was like she had no light inside of her. She was empty, nothing filling her up. Once upon a time, she’d been a happy child, full of life and love and excitement to see the world. And then she’d lost the most important people in her world, her parents, and had learned to cherish the emptiness. The emptiness became somehow full of darkness, not something tangible, but something that hid the pain. And now that she’d released it, she was empty again. She was a husk, a shell, going through the motions of life because she had to, and because it wasn’t just her body she was caring for. She might be empty, but the life inside of her wasn’t.
The only times she felt a spark of light appear in that emptiness were when she felt the little child inside her move or kick. And so some TV show about animals in the forest couldn’t distract her from this, from her empty life and the fact that she had no one here with her. No one to support her through this—no mother, no father, no best friend. All she could do was beg to the universe to allow her to feel one of the baby’s kicks. To fill her with a spark of light. A spark of life. Anything.
As the hours past, she worried that they would just send her home for now, and that she would end up suffering her day to day existence even longer.
But then, finally, her body seemed to be following unseen instructions. Her contractions became closer together, and then liquid gushed out of her, and doctors and nurses crowded her to check on her dilation, seemingly surprised at how fast it was suddenly happening. In the midst of sweating and panting from the pain, Shadowheart thanked the universe for finally bringing her to this moment. The moment where she could finally see the thing that brought her to this point, even if it terrified her.
The instant she heard a baby’s soft cries, her heart started to feel heavier. She didn’t know whether to laugh or scream or cry, and then a tiny baby girl with pointed ears and wisps of black hair was handed to her, still crying, and tears suddenly poured from her eyes even as she laughed. Her heart was actually heavy now, but it was evident to her all of a sudden that it was because, for the first time in years, it was full.
This little creature that her body had grown was her responsibility now. Her life. Her love. Her purpose. It filled her up and she felt something spark inside of her. The first glowing ember in the long died-down fire of her soul.
Her little glowing ember.