Archive of Our Own

It was nearly three o’clock in the morning and most of their team had taken to trying to get some sleep in their down time. 

It was nearly three in the morning and Buck had been pacing the firehouse for the past hour, trying to figure out the words he was trying to say.

The thing was that he completely knew that it wasn’t a big deal. He knew that Bobby wouldn’t care and he knew that he didn’t owe anyone an explanation and he knew all of it, but… he cared a lot more about Bobby’s perspective on things than he did about his own parents’, and he didn’t want Bobby to find out through gossip rather than from Buck himself.

And no, he reminded himself again and again, it wasn’t because he felt like he owed Bobby a coming out, it was because… well, it was because Buck wanted him to feel like he’d been entrusted with something. And… maybe he wanted to have one parental figure be proud of him for coming to terms with this.

The thought made him feel pathetic and a little bit sick, but Bobby was so important to him. 

Hell, Bobby was the first person outside of his own sister to ever believe in him. And Buck had given him reasons not to. Bobby just kept on doing it anyway.

Just like how he and Athena invited Buck to family dinners sometimes — and he felt a little stupid sitting beside Athena’s actual daughter, but Bobby would pat his shoulder and smile at him, and Buck was right back to just feeling elated that he was wanted there at all.

Not least of which was that he still couldn’t believe Athena wanted him there. Sure, their relationship had come a long way since Buck 1.0 incidents, but still. Buck was used to feeling  like an annoyance. And he didn’t like it, but he wasn’t in a position to question it much these days, and… well, he still couldn’t believe that after all this time, these people weren’t sick of him.

Was that why he wanted to tell them properly? Because they were the closest thing to a proper family he’d ever had? Them and Maddie, who was basically one of them now that she and Chim were so obviously in it for the long haul with Jee. 

He’d been having this argument with himself for a goddamn hour and he still couldn’t tell whether  him wanting to say the words to his team — specifically to Bobby — was a good thing or a sign that he was still looking too much for approval.

But hey — Buck did care what they all thought. Of course, nothing they said would change his mind so it shouldn’t—

“Kid? Thought I told you to go try and get some shut-eye.” Bobby intercepted his thoughts before he could start his whole spiral all over again, and Buck chuckled dryly.

“Yeah. You did.” He agreed, doing a little dance of stepping backwards and forwards like even with his pacing route broken, he still couldn’t keep still.

“And? Somethin’ going on I should know about?” Bobby moved over to the coffee machine in the corner, looking politely interested but also a little exasperated. Fondly though, Buck thought. Hoped, more like. Dramatic overthinking was part of Buck’s thing, they all knew by now that despite the childlike sense of whimsy vibes he brought to the firehouse, he had a lot of feelings. Too many, perhaps. Feelings he often wished he could pay to shut the fuck up.

Buck pulled out a chair like he was going to sit, but then abandoned it for more pacing.

“Maybe. Kinda. It’s— I mean, no. No, it’s not like it’s a big deal.” He didn’t need to tell anyone, he reminded himself, fairly unhelpfully. It wasn’t a matter of need though. Eddie knew. Maddie knew. He had sort of told them both by accident, partly because he resented the whole outright coming out thing, even while it was still so new, but also because some stupid, traitorous part of him felt like he was lying or something. He knew he wasn’t, hell, he’d known even before Tommy kissed him, if he was being totally honest with himself. He just sort of… didn’t think about it. He let that door of his mind stay helpfully closed and indeed, nudged it closed again anytime it would sneak just the littlest crack open.

Because yeah, Buck had considered it before. He’d found himself wondering, in the dead of night, whether the way he felt about things was normal for a heterosexual man, and then he’d find himself on a full spiral about what it meant that he even had to wonder about that, and then he’d sort of shut himself down and move on with something more pressing.

Bobby turned to face him, mug in hand, and then moved to sit at the table, looking at Buck with a mix of patience and fond tiredness. 

“Well, it doesn’t have to be a big deal for you to talk to me about it if you want to.” Bobby told him, and Buck thought — not for the first time — that Bobby was weirdly good at this whole captain yoda advice thing. Because he really did just always find the right words to settle the static of Buck’s stomach as he tried to think. 

It was an irrational kind of fear, he thought, knowing who Bobby was and who he was, knowing how their team was, but it didn’t make it go away. Because every time he told someone, it became more real. And the more real it became, the more Buck’s views of the world shifted, however minutely, from the man who called himself an ally but thought about men just a little too much for that to be entirely accurate.

“It’s just—” Buck’s breath caught, and he hurriedly and clumsily slipped into the chair across from Bobby’s, “I’m stuck in this weird thing of feeling like I should say it but also feeling like I shouldn’t because I shouldn’t have to on principle, but also feeling like I’m not doing it because I should, but because I want to, but then also wondering if that wanting to is just because I think I should.”

Bobby blinked at him, passive and patient, waiting for Buck to say something more. Bobby couldn’t tell him whether he should say something, and he knew that. He was trying to leave the option to Buck, who sighed in defeat. It would be easier if Bobby did just tell him whether to say things or not. Easier, he reasoned, but not better. It was something Buck needed to decide for himself, and rationally, he knew that.

It had been easier with Maddie somehow, and maybe that was because, despite having basically raised him, there was an unconditionality to their sibling love that he didn’t know if his pseudo-father figure really felt about him. He wanted to believe that. But the abandonment issues were just a smidge too present to let himself really put his faith in that.

“I recently started seeing someone. Which, I know, shouldn’t be a big deal. And, y’know, I know you don’t care. And I know that it’s not a huge deal as long as I’m not stealing the firetruck — I’m not, I promise — but it kinda… feels big somehow. Or not. But… like it should be big, maybe?”

Bobby took a slow sip of his coffee and hummed. “I wouldn’t say I don’t care about your dating life.” Bobby said softly, “I mean, I care insofar as I care that you’re happy and doing well, but I don’t care who you date, if that’s what you mean. As long as they’re good to you and you’re happy, the rest isn’t something I ever intend to pry about.”

Right. Right, because Buck was his subordinate, not his son, no matter how much Buck might feel like—

“Buck.” Bobby’s voice broke through his thoughts, “Whatever you need to say, I’m happy to hear it. As long as you’re not telling me because you think you owe me something, because you don’t.” 

And Buck was about to start spiralling again, when he found that he was already talking. “I’m seeing a dude.” Buck rushed out, as if that would help it to feel less big. It didn’t, exactly, and Buck couldn’t place why his skin felt like it was on fire waiting for Bobby’s response. 

“And that’s new, I take it?” Bobby asked, no hint of judgement in his face or in his tone, which somehow only tightened the knot in Buck’s stomach, like he might ruin the kind and non judgemental tone somehow… 

“Oh, um, yeah. New. Completely. I mean, sort of? I guess I always sort of… knew, but I also didn’t know at all, if that makes any sense?” He sucked in a breath like he was winded, and Bobby smiled.

He reached past Buck’s rapidly fidgeting hands, patting his forearm comfortingly. “I imagine this doesn’t need to be said, but it doesn’t change a thing, Buck. I feel the same way I did before. I only care to make sure you’re happy. You deserve to be happy, kid, no matter what that happiness looks like for you.”

Buck swallowed helplessly, trying to hold back the dry lump that had built up in his throat, threatening to bring him to tears. “You, um—” he cleared his throat roughly, “you don’t seem surprised.”

Bobby gave a small, fond smile. “Well… I can’t say I am.” He glanced down into his coffee cup, then up at Buck again, “This wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with a former army guy we know, would it?”

At that, Buck’s brain sort of stopped short. Wait— did he already know about Tommy? How? Who would have told him? He supposed if Maddie told Chim, Chim might have told Cap, but would Maddie just tell Chim? And would it even come up? And had Buck even mentioned his name to Maddie? And if so, wouldn’t Chim have teased him about Tommy by now? He teased Buck about everything, it was what they did?

“Uh, how— how’d you know?” He asked, blinking rapidly, cracking his knuckles with the desire to keep doing something. 

Bobby chuckled at that, “It’s not like it was exactly subtle, kid. With love, the two of you are… fairly transparent about each other. Especially after the commitment stuff.”

Buck blinked at that, suddenly genuinely lost. What commitment stuff? Buck didn’t have a fear of commitment, commitment had a fear of him. He was trying to get commitment, and people just kept on running from him. 

“Huh?”

“And I mean, the changes in the two of you around each other,” Bobby added with a little smile, obviously a bit more relaxed now to talk more, now that the hard part was seemingly done. Buck was still lost. “I mean, I’m not saying there’s a betting pool, because I don’t get in on that kind of thing — much — but I am saying—”

Betting pool? With who? When? Only Chim had ever properly seem him around Tommy, and Buck had more been attacking Eddie than flirting with Tommy that day, so that clarified absolutely nothing for him.

“And it was fairly apparent recently that you were trying to get his attention, which, I mean, I’ve never seen you be so clunky about your interests before, so—” Buck was barely listening, catching only pieces of Bobby’s words, which he didn’t seem to realise were slipping out so easily. Bobby wasn’t usually one for their gossip, but every now and then, he did get involved. Buck was just really confused about how he got in on this specific gossip.

“I mean, hell, kid, you’re basically raising a kid together already.”

Buck’s eyes widened visibly at that, because… what the hell? Because now, he was more confused than before, but also… things were clicking. They just weren’t clicking in a way that made it any less confusing.

“Wait, wait. Wait wait wait.” Buck’s hands raised, and he was finally still. “I’m… I’m talking about Tommy Kinard. Who are you talking about?” It was a dumb question, and Buck knew it was, because the mention of coparenting could only relate to one person, and the notion of him trying to get someone’s attention… and the army thing… it… 

“Oh.” Bobby’s mouth was tightly shut, looking a little more bashful than Buck had seen him… possibly ever. “I seem to have misunderstood.”

“Woah, woah, no, you’re not getting out of this that easily.” Buck’s voice was probably raised a little too high, and he could feel his neck and ears burning, the obvious implication being that he and Eddie—

The alarm broke the uncharacteristic silence of the firehouse, and Bobby shut up, evidently quite happy to have an excuse to end the conversation with Buck. 

The others were emerging from within too, making quick work of getting ready to go on whatever call he would have to focus on instead of the giant wrench Bobby had just thrown into his new understanding of himself.

…

It had been a few days, and Buck was absolutely zero percent closer to figuring out what to do with the new information that Bobby had assumed Buck had been talking about Eddie.

And, yeah, he’d admit it, it had made him a little… skittish around Eddie too. Because Eddie already knew, and he certainly hadn’t reacted like he… well, like he cared if Buck was interested in someone that wasn’t him. Bobby’s words had infused their relationship with something new. Like it had all shifted into a new light.

He thought it was like looking back on happy memories with someone you’d lost. How the memories were still happy, but they were touched with a new hue around the edges— the sadness of knowing you’d never get them back. That was sort of how it was with Eddie, only the new tinge to the memories was… like, rose coloured. Because instead of looking back on happy memories and making them sad, he was looking back on best friend moments and seeing how it might have looked like something else. 

Which was weird enough, except that now… Buck sort of couldn’t stop seeing it that way either. Like all these moments had been irreversibly touched by this new assumption. 

Buck buying Eddie’s son a special thing so that he could skateboard (which, yeah, he’d gone and found because he loved the kid, and he didn’t regret that, but should he have even been there when they did that?) It was a family moment, so why was Buck present for it?

Or every doctor's appointment of Chris’ that Buck had gone along to, where he held his hand and reassured him how great he was doing. 

Or Buck’s hysteria when the well had collapsed on Eddie and he tried to dig him out with his bare hands.

The way Eddie had reached out to Buck under the truck, with a bullet hole through his chest and a pool of his own blood around his head. The way Buck had found a way to steel himself against the complete and utter terror of getting crushed under that thing again, army crawled his way to Eddie, pulled him through so desperately. 

Eddie asking Buck to stay over a few times after the tsunami because Christopher would so often wake up screaming for Buck, and it made him feel better for Buck to be there to assure him that they were both safe and okay (and then Buck would inevitably spend the rest of the evening apologising to Eddie again and again and again for losing him at all). 

Eddie screaming at him in a supermarket that he was exhausting, the way he explained that Christopher missed him. 

Eddie telling him that he’d put Buck in his will, over a year after he did it. The fact that he hadn’t told him sooner a sobering reminder that he had fully expected that even if Buck didn’t know, he would still take Chris, still fight for him. And Buck would, was the thing. 

The fact that he’d told Buck to reassure him that he was… important. That he meant something to people…

Memories that when he looked back over them… certainly made them seem like… at the very least, a family. More. 

He couldn’t shove away the weird new feeling that came with reassessing those memories through a new lens. Because suddenly, he couldn’t fight the way his face went bright red whenever he thought about Eddie’s loud ‘Buck!’ cutting off his date with Tommy and the way Buck panicked and tried to hide it. He’d thought he was hiding it because it was two guys, but suddenly, it felt way more vulnerable to consider a different possibility…

How many times had someone assumed he was Chris’ second dad? How many times had neither he nor Eddie corrected someone when they did? The same Eddie who started having bad anxiety because Ana felt too much like a readymade family.

“Buckaroo?” Hen’s voice broke him from his thoughts. “You gonna actually put that away or you just going to stare at it?” 

Buck had been cleaning out the ambulance and checking their stock, before he’d gotten incredibly distracted by trying to work out the mental and emotional puzzle that was Bobby’s assumption. Wrong assumption? It was wrong, right? 

Buckaroo was a nickname that Buck… had to admit he loved. Because it was so fucking dumb, but it was something only the people he really liked and trusted usually called him. Mostly, it only ever came from the 118 (with Athena and Carla as notable and excusable exceptions to the rule). If a stranger called him that, he wasn’t sure he’d like it, but… he did like those people. And he liked that they felt fondly enough towards him to give him a dumb nickname. 

“Hen, am I stupid?” It was a loaded question, and not really what he wanted to ask, but he sure felt stupid when he thought about how recontextualising some things had… recontextualised everything. 

She climbed up properly into the ambulance, sitting beside him. She looked deep in thought, surely she hadn’t imagined this was what she’d get when she approached Buck at her usual station. 

“No.” She said resolutely, after some thought. “No, not at all, really. You’re quick under pressure, you know a lot of random facts, particularly pertaining to emergencies and you’re quite literally a math genius for some reason.” She reminded, “I think sometimes people don’t quite… get you. You can certainly say some dopey things, but I don’t think anyone paying attention could think you were actually stupid. You wouldn’t be able to do this job so well if you were.”

And really, Buck had been thinking of his own understanding of relationships and abandonment, but that answer sort of made him want to cry, so that was another thing entirely. Because Hen was a thousand times smarter than him, in his own estimation, and certainly people took her more seriously. So why did her words feel so… earnest?

“Oh… I… thank you.” He managed, blinking across at her.

“Was that… the whole thing?” She asked.

“Huh?”

“You’ve been staring into space a lot these past few days. Thought you might… I don’t know, be… going through something.” 

The thing was, he and Hen were tight. He loved Hen. She was funny and brave and unwaveringly herself. She was also a lesbian, so it wasn’t like there was any rational fear of ever coming out to her. But he wasn’t even really thinking about that anymore.

He was trying to figure out if he’d completely buried the lead here. 

“So, like, if I told you I was seeing a guy, you’d say—“

“Finally?” Hen filled in helpfully, her brows raising politely at him. 

“And if I told you I was seeing someone we all know, you’d say—“

“I’d say that like four people owe me money.” 

Excellent, this was the exact shit he wanted to know about. His plan was working perfectly. (It wasn’t really a plan so much as he couldn’t fight the urge to ask why they all thought that, like he was gathering data for his hypothesis.)

“Who, exactly?”

“Chim, Ravi, Jarrett, and Bobby. Oh, and Vin from C Shift. Athena has an opinion, but didn’t put money down.”

Buck’s eyes blew out. So much for Bobby keeping out of the betting pools. Buck knew he sometimes got involved when he was in a playful and happy mood, but really? 

“Right, and you bet…?”

“Before June this year.” She said easily, a proud sort of smile on her face.

Buck was being deceptive. He should probably stop. But… could he be blamed? They were betting on him and his best friend dating, after all, and Buck surely had a right to know more. To get his own back a little. 

“What, uh, what tipped you off?”

Hen’s smile turned a little more somber. Sweet. And it was hard to be mad when she looked sort of… genuinely happy for them?

“What didn’t tip me off, Buck?” She asked with a chuckle. “I mean, I was convinced from day dot that your rivalry with him was a little crush. But then there was the way you got all giggly whenever he complimented you. Or how hard you tried to impress his kid. And don’t even get me started on you two sticking at each others’ bedsides all the time when one of you has been hurt. Or the fact that you never like each other’s partners. I mean, he visibly wrinkles up every time someone mentions Abby.”

Buck just blinked back at her. “Right. Good talk, thanks, Hen.” He was out of the ambulance bed in a flash, frankly just needing to stop hearing more of her thoughts before he drowned in the confusion of his own head.

He felt like his brain was a giant laundry pile that he couldn’t wade through, messy and confusing and overwhelming. 

He made his way to the showers, not not in hiding, figuring he was going to need way more time to think before he figured out where to go from there.

… 

So, Buck had barely spoken to anyone on his days off. He’d dutifully called Christopher when he promised he would, but made an excuse not to talk to Eddie much, worried the others were starting to actually get into his head. Worried it would muck everything up.

If they said all this to him, what shit were they saying to Eddie? And what if Eddie panicked and pulled away from him? The thought was too terrifying to quite bear, and he didn’t want it anywhere near him.

He’d had three whole days of hiding under his blankets and not answering his texts. 

He couldn’t even figure out which part of it was freaking him out so badly. The fact that everyone thought that or the fact that hearing how everyone thought that made him feel this weird inkling of hope.

It wasn’t that he’d been lying about liking Tommy, it was just like… how did you compare a cup of water to the entire ocean? Tommy was starting to occupy space in Buck’s life and mind, but Eddie was already stamped on all of it like a brand, his name already etched into every corner of Buck’s life, every atom of his being. And not just Eddie, but Christopher too. The little boy whose giant smile could brighten any day. The kid who still called Buck a hero even after Buck failed him. 

It was that comparing a newly flickering flame to a raging bushfire inferno wasn’t fair, and Buck hadn’t even known there was a kindling.

He was trying to put it all back in its handy little box, where he’d been quite content to have a best friend  for the first time in his life, and being a trusted adult in Christopher’s life was enough, and he didn’t want or need anything else from their relationship.

How was he supposed to process that everyone thought he had Eddie, whilst knowing there was no hope? He kept trying to tell himself he didn’t care, that he was happy with how things were, but it was like an itch he couldn’t scratch. He needed to know more.

Which is how, when Chim brought Jee over for a lunch to see her Uncle, Buck found himself trying to think of a way to broach the subject.

In the end, it was simple.

“By the way, Hen says you owe her money.”

Chim’s eyes flicked up hurriedly, and Buck kept the little girl in his arms bouncing on his knee.

“More?” He asked; and that made sense, that Hen had already told him part of it. “Does that mean you told him how you felt first?”

“Did… did Hen back that I’d say it first?” He asked, oddly moved by her confidence in him.

“Well, that or that you’d stare at him so hard he physically combusted.” 

Well, that killed that. 

“Um, do you know what everyone else bet?”

“Mine was on the kid telling you both.” Chim said with a shrug, “Ravi thought you were already a couple, so he bet it was just on the low. I think Bobby bet you’d do it too, but he thought it’d take longer… Dunno. Didn’t memorise the pool, kid, that’s Hen’s job. I just collect. Usually.”

“Wait, sorry, you thought… Christopher would tell us?”

Chim barked a laugh and nodded, “Yeah. That kid’s smarter than either of you and would probably love if you just moved in there already. He talked about you so much when Maddie babysat him, it was wild.”

Christopher was a whole other thing he hadn’t had time to think himself inside out about. Because… how the hell was he meant to consider Chris in all this? Did Chris think that? Or, if it were true, would Chris hate him for it? Buck couldn’t exactly blame him, if he did. He’d already lost so much, between his parents being so unstable around him for the early years of his life. Not to mention everything he experienced in that tsunami. Or the shock of his father getting shot. Or, hell, even Buck nearly dying… More than once.

Which was, he figured, another reason why his current dating life was… simpler. 

The problem was that simpler wasn’t better, and there was no universe in which Buck could even begin to consider Christopher as a negative point. But the thing was, he was already family. And he already factored into things. They lived much more dangerous lives than the average person, the reality of which meant that, at any time, Buck could be Christopher’s legal guardian. He was already listed on all Christopher’s forms as a secondary emergency contact. He was one of the trusted adults on the school’s lists. 

Which, of course, was what they’d all been implying when everyone mentioned Buck’s relationship with not just Eddie, but his kid. 

But… being close to them both didn’t equal being in a relationship with Eddie, or in love with him, god forbid.

Dating Tommy wasn’t really a risk. Or it was, in so far as dating anyone was ever a risk. But not like loving Eddie would be. Because loving Eddie would be risking everything. 

Buck had grown up with nothing in the world except his sister. And now, looking back, the knowledge that he hadn’t simply imagined or exaggerated the way his parents felt about him, but that he had, quite literally, been just another reminder of what they lost and who he failed to save… Buck had spent his whole life wanting a real family.

He looked around now, and he saw Maddie, yes, but also Chim and Jee and Bobby and Athena and Hen and Karen and Denny and maybe one day their new little girl and, hell, even Ravi. But… closer than almost anyone, sparing his own sister, the only other best friend he’d ever had, was Eddie. Eddie and Chris. When he looked around now at his family, he saw them, right up front and centre, related by blood or not.

He was almost choking on the thought that everyone believed they were a couple. That whole family. And worse, Buck didn’t… hate the idea. It scared him, sort of, but it didn’t… it didn’t feel wrong. It should though, right?

“Hello? You still with me here, man?”

Buck decidedly was not still with Chim, but he shook it off and changed the conversation to something that felt somewhat safer, asking Chim about the wedding insead. Chim was more than happy to launch into his thoughts about the flowers, which was endearing as hell, and really did remind Buck why he was so happy about his sister and Chim, especially after Doug.

…

Buck didn’t really need any new version of the story at that stage. He’d heard it from the other coworkers he considered family, and there wasn’t really much anyone else could add that would change anything, but somehow, he still found himself wanting to know. It was like an itch he couldn’t scratch, the desire to understand what everyone else was seeing.

If anyone asked him, he’d lie, but the truth was that… well, he wanted to know why they thought Eddie was interested in him. He’d self reflected enough to realise how his own behaviour probably looked that way, even if… well, he didn’t think it was that way. 

But the part he couldn’t really see was how Eddie was supposedly into him. Eddie who had just asked Marisol to move in with him. He just… didn’t look at Buck that way. And that was fine, but… there was something weirdly magnetic about hearing why they thought that. Like maybe someone would say something that would make it click in his mind. So far, it was sort of just making him feel like… like maybe he was the one that had been accidentally coming on too strong to his best friend.

And hadn’t that always been Buck’s life? Coming on too strong? Isn’t that how he pushed everyone away in the end? Why everyone left?

And no sooner had he thought that than he had realised why he was right to take a few little steps back. A few safe steps away before he fucked up and lost everything. 

Ravi was scrubbing the side of the ladder truck, trying to get off the dried shit from a particularly disgusting call. He wasn’t a probie anymore, so there was no good reason for it to be him, which would do nothing to deter Buck from teasing him about it, given Ravi’s propensity to make fun of Buck at every given opportunity.

“So.” Why was he approaching like this? Why was he so determined to hear the perspective of every person in the 118 even though they were all so wrong about it? And Ravi, Ravi who joked about Buck repelling romantic partners, should he be the one Buck asked? Probably not. Maybe he was masochistic (or maybe he just knew there was a fondness between him and Ravi underneath the gentle bullying). “You bet we were already together, huh?”

Ravi didn’t even look up from what he was doing, a shit-eating grin etched into his face.

“Honestly, my money would be on already married. Maybe even married and broken up. I was told that wasn’t an option.” He was still smirking when Buck just sort of scoffed at him. 

“What? Why?” He asked, a little flushed, despite having already known this information. It didn’t change the fact that he was now hearing Ravi say the words. And sure, they bantered, they made fun of each other, but Ravi had put money on this.

“Well, the already together thing, because…” He stopped for a moment, only to think, before he added, “Because Eddie’s just about the only person I’ve ever met who spends a whole twenty-four hours with you and still wants to talk to you afterwards.” He was being playful, Buck knew that, but it was actually… sort of a point. “It’s also not like it’s a secret that you two are constantly on cute little dates with your joint child.” 

Buck blinked at the second point, confused. “Cute little dates?”

“I mean, we’ve all got Eddie on instagram, Buck. You and Christopher at the zoo. You and Christopher at the aquarium. The three of you at the movies. The three of you in front of Santa’s Village. I mean, c’mon, man, you’re the mother in this equation.”

Buck blinked, “I’m not the—”

“You know what I mean.” He waved a hand, “Sometimes you argue and I’m like, oh shit, maybe they’ve really broken up this time, but then the two of you are having some giggly little conversation over weights or at the lockers, and I’m like, of course not. We should only be so lucky.”

Buck blinked, “Eddie’s not giggly.” Because, really, maybe Buck could be, but Eddie? When was the last time he’d even laughed that much? Well, there had been the aftermath of the phantom hand guy. There’d also been the helium balloons. And… “Eddie’s a brooder.” He added, almost defensive.

Ravi scoffed, “Yeah, he’s a brooder like ninety percent of the time. Until he isn’t. And when he isn’t, it’s always either his kid or some dumb shit you said that he finds endlessly charming.”

Buck really, really, really didn’t mean to ask the question, but it just sort of fell out of his mouth. Because Ravi already thought it anyway, and Buck needed to know, dammit, and—

“I get that I have the poker face of a confused child, but I don’t understand why everyone thought that Eddie—” He cut himself off. In this scenario, they had been right, he reminded himself. “I don’t understand why that part.”

Ravi shrugged again, thankfully not really reading into Buck’s words much. “‘Cause it’s obvious, dude. Guy’s so skittish most of the time, or at least, very professional, y’know. Not really a ‘get in your face’ kinda guy. Except that you’re always in his space, and he’s always letting you be.”

“But…” Buck could feel the heat rising in his neck and ears. “But that’s a best friend thing, isn’t it?”

Ravi actually did look a little suspicious now. “Clearly not, since you’re together. Aren’t you?”

Shit. 

Buck actually, literally, just turned heel and left. Didn’t even finish the conversation. Like a fucking idiot.

Oh well, he wasn’t sure Ravi held him in too high of a regard anyway.

…

It had been nearly two weeks since Bobby first made the mistake that had set Buck’s wheels turning and he had been fairly resolutely ignoring everybody. 

There was only so much he could do, given the extended amounts of time he spent with them all, but he tried to keep his interactions short. He tried to keep it non-personal. He tried to back right the hell off of everyone because… 

The thing was, he couldn’t entirely put into words why. 

What he did know was that he felt like he’d blown a hole into the everything he’d built here, like he’d gone and fucked it all up again with his stupid feelings. The same feelings he wouldn’t even fully let himself believe that he had. 

He didn’t have feelings for Eddie, because he wouldn’t have been stupid enough to have feelings for Eddie, because Buck wasn’t always good with relationships and feelings, but he wasn’t about to mess up the one good thing in his life just because he met someone who actually made him feel like there wasn’t something wrong with him all the fucking time. 

He spent extra time working out, where it was easy to pretend he was just too focused to talk (forget the fact that he’d never had any troubles ranting to whoever was around while he worked out before). 

He’d pretend he needed extra sleep (not that Buck had ever been good at falling asleep in those bunks, knowing he could be woken up at any time). 

He even spent extra time in the showers, and tried not to wonder what anyone else would make of that.

More than once, someone had tried to have a little aside to him, to ask what was going on, but he couldn’t do that, because if he started that conversation, he’d have to divulge a whole bunch of other embarrassing stuff he wasn’t prepared to divulge.

He was doing pull ups when a hand on his shoulder startled the hell out of him. His headphones were getting a good workout these days, but it apparently didn’t stop people from trying to get his attention one way or another.

When he rounded, ready to tell whoever it was that he was fine, thank you for asking, he wasn’t expecting that it would be the person he was most avoiding. 

Eddie.

Eddie. 

His stomach was static again, and he wished the whole firehouse had shut the hell up, because he was so much happier before he felt so fucking nervous any time he saw his best friend. And some best friend he’d been, ignoring Eddie like the plague. But it was only so he could have time to fix things in his head so that he didn’t ruin it all. Everything he finally had and didn’t want to lose.

“Alright, what the fuck is your problem, man?” Eddie snapped, and Buck had the strangest sense of deja vu. 

Back then, though, Buck had said that Eddie was his problem. That he should respect his elders — as if Eddie wasn’t older than Buck anyway. 

Now, he knew better. Eddie was still kind of his problem, but not in a remotely similar way. Or maybe it was the same way. Who the fuck knew anymore?

“What are you talking about?” Buck was breathless, and it wasn’t just because he was working out harder than ever. 

Eddie stared at him, hands on his hips, chin raised sarcastically, a frustrated tinge to his features. “Why are you ignoring me? Why are you ignoring all of us?” He asked, almost a demand. Buck wished he’d lower his voice.

“I’m— I’m not ignoring anyone—” Buck hedged, knowing how weak a lie it was.

“Oh? So you didn’t skip out on Sunday dinner again this week? With a shitty text? Christopher was upset, man, that isn’t okay.”

Buck felt like his heart had been hit with something cold and sharp, and a frown pulled at his features. “I… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt Christopher, I just—”

“No, you meant to hurt me, is that it?” He asked, brows furrowing. “Did I— Did I do something? Did I say something wrong when you— when you told me about— when we had that conversation?”

The words were like cold water rushing over Buck, a steely reminder of why he was doing this. Even how uncomfortable Buck seemed made him flinch. What if Eddie thought the reason he was hiding was because he had feelings for him? God, what if it was true? He didn’t want to be some shitty stereotype of a person making his best friend uncomfortable with feelings he shouldn’t have. Not that he’d ever do anything to overstep. And surely Eddie must know—

“No.” Buck found himself saying, his voice quiet, “No, it’s not— you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Eddie looked genuinely hurt beneath the frustration on his face. “Did you tell the team we were together?” He asked, his voice quieter. “I’ve had three separate people comment on it. Ask me why I didn’t tell them or ask me what happened between us.”

Buck’s eyes blew wide, because: “I told them they were wrong!” Except… did he? He’d definitely told Bobby he was wrong, but come to think of it, he’d made an excuse after Hen’s words had made him nervous. He changed the subject when Chim’s words made him panic about Christopher. He’d straight up run without any explanation from Ravi. Oh, fuck.

“Shit, man, I— I’m so sorry. I found out there was a betting pool on us and I wanted to find out more so I was going along with it so that— so that they would tell me why they thought that and it just— it sort of spiralled out of control.” He mumbled, rubbing at the back of his neck, suddenly feeling so embarrassed that if the ground opened up and ate him, he’d probably thank it. “Eddie, I didn’t— I just—”

“You freaked out so much that they thought we were together that you stopped talking to me?” Eddie asked, seeming… hurt. And, shit, shit, shit, that was not what Buck had wanted, not even a little bit. He just hadn’t been thinking, he’d been busy worrying that Eddie was going to want to put distance between them or would suddenly question his motives or something. That maybe he’d done something to blur the lines in a way that Eddie didn’t want. 

“I— it’s not like that.” Buck sounded small suddenly, because he knew how it looked. He did. 

When the siren’s sounded again, Buck was part relieved and part horrified. His shift didn’t have that long left, and he knew Eddie wouldn’t want to talk to him now, but he needed to at least try to explain why he had acted the way he did. Only, if he was honest with himself, Buck really didn’t think he knew.

…

When he turned up on Maddie’s doorstep, feeling a little bit sorry for himself and a lot guilty, he half expected that she’d already know and be mad at him too. Far from it, the second she locked eyes on him, she pulled him into a hug, standing on her tip-toes to get there.

“Evan,” She sighed, audibly concerned. “What happened? Did something happen with the hot pilot?”

That did not help with his stupid feelings at all, and he sort of sniffled pathetically and moved past her into the house, leaning against the kitchen bench. 

“There is no hot pilot, I called it off.” He said quickly, clearing his throat.

Maddie frowned, looking genuinely concerned. “Okay… and…?”

Buck didn’t know how to find the words. But somehow he repeated all of it. How anxious he’d been about telling Bobby, and how Bobby had just assumed. What Hen had said, and Chim, and Ravi. What Eddie had said. How Buck had panicked. 

“So…” Maddie was patient, her hand on Buck’s. “Why did you start avoiding Eddie?”

It was a basic question, but one that Buck had absolutely no idea how to answer.

“I— I guess I was scared?” He asked more than told, feeling a little stupid.

“You remind me so much of when you were little when you make that face,” She told him, brushing his messy hair back a little with her nails. “What were you scared of, Buck?” She asked him, gentle and comforting about it, seeming like she was trying to walk some line between pushing him and just being there for him. Frankly, he would take any insight she had, because he felt like such an idiot.

“I…” He trailed off, shrugging helplessly, “Everything. Losing him. Losing Christopher. Losing everyone because I messed up the dynamics and…” He could feel his eyes stinging, and he knew his face would be going all red and blotchy how it did when he cried. He hated when his face looked like that. 

“Do you remember when you told me that it was easy for me because I was always the one who ran away?”

“Maddie, I didn’t—”

“No, I’m not having a go at you. Just listen.” Buck fell silent obediently. “You… you’re afraid of losing everyone, right? Your new family? Eddie and Chris? Is it… at all possible, that you’re running because you’re afraid that if you don’t run first, they’ll run out on you?”

It hit Buck like a brick to the face. 

His voice broke when he spoke again, “I don’t want to go back to before, Mads.” He whispered, “I don’t want to be alone all over again.”

And if Maddie looked heartbroken before listening to Buck, she really did now. 

“What on earth makes you think that would ever happen?” She whispered. “Bobby and Athena love you like they are your parents, Bobby especially. Whenever I catch you and Hen alone together, you’re having a little private giggle about some joke no one else is in on. Chim loves you like a little brother. Honestly, I think he did long before you were actually set to be his brother-in-law. Ravi… admittedly, I barely know him.” She said with a shrug, “But I’m sure you’ll endear him to you eventually too, Evan, because that’s what you do. You’re lovable. You’re lovable and you’re deserving of love, and these people don’t want to leave you.”

“They saw right through me, Maddie.” He whispered, “They saw things about me that I didn’t even see. What if… what they look too close and don’t like what they see?”

Maddie moved quickly back around the kitchen island, yanking Buck back into a bruising kind of a hug. 

“Maybe it’s time to consider the possibility that they see right through you, Buck, and they love you for it.” She said softly, “What if we consider the possibility that they talked about and cared about all this because they wanted you and Eddie to be happy?” 

Buck had never felt so stupid. He knew what she was saying made sense, but it just didn’t feel right in his mind.

“Why did you end things with the Hot Pilot?” Maddie asked after a few long moments of Buck trying to gather up the pieces of himself he’d just shattered like glass all by himself.

Buck sniffled, “I was… I was trying to fill a gap someone else left.” He told her quietly.

“So then Eddie…?” She asked, and Buck simply nodded miserably back at her.

She frowned, “Okay, well, I know you’re scared, Evan, but I think you need to speak to him. The two of you, it’s not like you and Abby or you and Mom and Dad. Evan, he knows you so well, and he wants you in his life. He trusts you with his son. He confronted you because he was bothered by you pushing him away. Do you think maybe it’s time to give him that trust back now? To be vulnerable and see what happens?”

Buck took a sharp breath, “And if I do, and it goes to hell, what then?”

“Then…” Maddie began with a slow exhale, “Then you come back here, and we get ice cream, and I’ll play that song that always makes Jee dance and we’ll find a way to piece it all back together.” She promised.

Buck was sometimes struck with the realisation that Maddie was back. That she was staying. That she hadn’t abandoned him the way he had once believed she had. This was one of those times. The reminder that even if everything else went to shit, Maddie wouldn’t ever just abandon him.

“Look, I don’t know how he feels. I don’t. And I don’t want to say it’ll be fine, because I don’t know if it will. I’m not one of your colleagues, and I’m not going to take bets on your life. But what I do know is that, one way or another, Eddie loves you. And you have no reason to assume that he would ever feel differently about you because of this. It might be hard, if it doesn’t… go how you want it to, but that wouldn’t be the same as losing him altogether.”

She was right, but the irrational fears lingered, and he didn’t move. 

She rested a hand on his cheek. Then dropped her arm down onto the counter, holding up her pinky to him. “I promise that no matter what happens, I’ll be here.”

Buck stared at her hand and he felt the wet around his eyes. He took her pinky with a slow, teary nod.

Leaving to go to Eddie’s after was a natural choice, even though he felt completely unwilling to face it, he knew he actually would lose people if he shoved them away. It was a way to protect himself, but he was only cutting off his nose to spite his face. If he left, he couldn’t be left, but either way, he’d be alone.

He wasn’t sure he even remembered the drive, forcing himself not to think too much in case he panicked and drove back home to his stupid, empty loft instead. 

When he knocked on the door, he half expected that Eddie wouldn’t answer. He should be home, it wasn’t Carla’s night and Eddie didn’t have a shift, plus, he usually drove to his Abuela instead of the other way around these days. He did have a key, but it would be wrong to use it after the last few weeks.

So he waited.

And waited.

He knocked once more, figuring that if Eddie hadn’t heard him, that was one thing. But if Eddie was ignoring him…

The door opened, and Eddie looked incredibly unenthused at Buck’s presence on his doorstep.

Buck didn’t even wait, just brushing by him into the house, because it was after ten, and Christopher would be asleep and—

Marisol. 

Holy shit, Marisol. He turned on the spot, just about bumping completely into Eddie, who had evidently been at his heels. 

“I just— I just realised you don’t live alone anymore and I—”

“I do.” Eddie was quick to cut him off, arms folding over his chest. “Which doesn’t feel like the thing we should be talking about right now.”

He blinked a few times, thinking back over their conversations about Marisol and Eddie’s Catholic Guilt that Buck didn’t really understand, and tried to remember if—

But no. Eddie was right. And it was hardly the point whether she lived there or not.

“Right. So. The thing is.” He had no idea how the hell he was meant to put any of this into words. “I have a tendency to get left behind.”

Which did not explain a goddamn thing.

Eddie’s eyes narrowed, looking at Buck like he’d grown a second head. “Okay. And… what? I don’t see how that relates to you ignoring our whole team. Or, hell, I don’t know. Me?” 

He snapped it sort of sarcastically, and Buck really didn’t know what he was supposed to think about Eddie’s sudden irritation at him. He was usually fairly patient with Buck’s antics, but he was reacting so differently now, and Buck really didn’t understand why. 

“I tried to tell Bobby about me. Being bisexual. Y’know.” He was awkward and stilted and he could see Eddie struggling to grasp what he was getting at. “He asked if I was dating an army guy, trying to be funny, y’know, and I said yes, because I really thought he meant Tommy, but then he started saying how everyone knew because of how we act around each other and all this stuff that didn’t make any sense, something about him knowing because of conversations about commitment? And then… he said we were raising a kid together. And like, the whole world fuckin’... fell right off its axis, dude.

“Because— because I know people think we’re a couple. Like, strangers. Like people when they see us in articles or people who see us with Chris, but Bobby actually knows us and he thought that. And I just started— overthinking.” He sounded so stilted, “I started overthinking everything, because what if I had overstepped some boundary? What if what he was picking up on was me… me being too much or overstepping some boundary, because I’m really shit at seeing those sometimes, I get excited and I just say or do things and normally someone glares at me when I do, but…

“But then he said there was a betting pool and… I couldn’t stop thinking about it, man. I couldn’t stop thinking about what it was we had done to make everyone think that. So I asked Hen about it. And she said the same stuff Bobby did, that he had bet I would tell you how I felt first, and talked about us with Christopher and she told me that Chim bet Christopher would have to tell us, and I started wondering if I had done something wrong with Chris too! Or what he would think if he heard— Or what would happen if someone else—

“And Ravi— Ravi thought we were together the whole time he’d been here? Which… I had no idea about. And he said we were always going on dates together and… Eddie, I just got scared, man. Because I started thinking about— about how you felt about Marisol being a Nun, and how— how maybe people thinking you were with me might be even worse or something and— and I didn’t want you to leave. And I thought if I backed off, then maybe everyone would drop it and maybe— maybe I wouldn’t lose you completely.

“People— People leave, Eddie. I know that. I’ve… known that. But losing you and Christopher is…” He shook his head, his eyes big and stinging with unfallen tears.

Eddie was totally silent. Not a peep. Not a response. Not a word. He walked further into the house, sitting down on the couch and gesturing for Buck to do the same. Buck did, feeling completely helpless.

“I know about the betting pool, Buck.”

“Well, yeah, because they all told you that I told them—”

“No.” Eddie cut him off quick, shaking his head. “You don’t understand. I’ve known about the betting pool. Since before Marisol or Tommy.”

Buck blinked once. Twice. Again. Nothing seemed to get any clearer in his eyes or behind them. 

“I don’t care that our friends all think we’re in love, Buck. Just like I don’t care when anyone else who meets us assumes we’re married with a kid. I’ve never cared.” Buck just blinked at him, “I’m not… I can’t believe I have to say this, but I’m not homophobic.”

“I don’t— I didn’t think—”

“No, I know, I know you know. But it bears repeating, Buck.” He frowned, sucking in a deep breath. “With that being said, I did lie to you.”

Buck’s eyes narrowed a little, confused and exhausted, nothing making any sense. 

“When I said nothing would change. I did lie.” He confessed.

Buck just stared at him, his heart pounding so hard in his chest that he thought it might be about to leap out and start up its own drumline through the city. 

“When I found out about the betting pool, I didn’t care. Because our relationship doesn’t hinge on what anyone thinks of it, and I’m… or I was comfortable in myself and what I wanted. The only time the betting pool thing bothered me was after you told me about Tommy.” He sucked in a breath, “And before you panic and think I’m feeling weird with you because you like men, you should know that… well, I guess that is true, but not the way you think. Buck, they didn’t tell me that you had told them we were together, I asked them.” 

Buck had no idea what was going on. He wasn’t piecing any of what Eddie was saying to him together, brows pinched up in the middle like he was trying to solve a puzzle. 

“I found out about you and Tommy and I couldn’t stop…” He raked a hand through his hair, “I couldn’t stop fucking thinking about it. Because, y’know, just before that, Bobby told me I didn’t have any trouble committing to certain things. And he said my job and my son, but there’s another obvious one, isn’t there? I wouldn’t let Christopher’s own mother near him again in case she left him, but you— you’re in my will. And I hated people telling me Ana and Chris and I made a cute family, but I just smile whenever anyone says we are. And Marisol said she was a Nun and I started panicking about my faith and shit and it was easy enough to pretend that was why, but Buck… There was always something, wasn’t there? Some reason why I couldn’t possibly stay with women who checked all the boxes. Of which, by the way, there were only like three. And they were all stupid.”

He breathed out hard. “Bobby told me I could commit fine to some things and you told me you were on a date with a guy who I had no excuse not to like, but who I suddenly fucking hated, and then the gossiping was happening, and I started asking, and they all told me that… that you had confessed we were in love and…”

The pinprick of hope started right at the tip of his fingers, Buck realised. He’d been trying so hard to repress any feelings he might have had towards Eddie, but they were swelling up inside of him, feeling every atom of his body, colouring him rose coloured like all the memories he couldn’t see without the tinge of romanticism over the top.

“It honestly made a lot more sense than that I was scared of dating a Nun.” Eddie sounded like he was trying to joke, but he sounded afraid. Buck wanted to fix it. He was still frozen. “You started avoiding me right after you found out, right after you got with Tommy and suddenly the whole world was just… wrong. I think Marisol was relieved when I ended it, because I think she could see I was constantly trying to… escape. Chris kept asking about you and I didn’t know how to answer and I kept wondering how we ever thought it was normal friends when we’d both already been in a committed relationship for years.” 

“I’m going to need you to be really clear right now, because I’m not entirely sure that I’m not hallucinating.” Buck was trying for a joke now. It sounded scared, even to his own ears. Scared and unmistakably hopeful.

“I don’t think I have any problem with commitment as long as it’s committing to you.” Eddie told him slowly, carefully. “But I know you’re with Tommy, and so I’m happy to back off if it’s what you want.” Eddie was firm, but there was something else behind those dark eyes. “As long as we’re still best friends. And as long as you still have time for Chris, because I understand if all of it with me isn’t what you want, but Chris really does see you like a second parental figure, and I can be okay with it not working out for me, but I can’t be okay with it not working out for—”

Buck really hadn’t meant to cut him off with a kiss. It was such a goddamn cliche. And he’d been planning to kiss him gently. To ask if he could first, maybe. To make things proper.

Still, it ended Eddie’s rambling train of thought pretty quickly. And the weirdest part was that it wasn’t even Eddie’s declaration of committing to Buck (who had always wanted that, he realised now), it was his insistence that he could ignore his own feelings so that his son and Buck could stay in each others’ lives that really got him. 

Buck was leaning forward, his hands rested on the arm of the couch and the back, around where Eddie sat, inadvertently trapping him there.

When he pulled back, Eddie’s eyes were still closed, his lips pulled out into a little kissy-face that was horribly endearing. If Buck hadn’t been sold before — he was — he certainly would be now. 

“I’m the one people run from.” Buck mumbled, staying close to Eddie, ready to kiss him again at any moment if he got the go-ahead. “I never meant to run from you.”

“Tommy…?”

“I ended it. A while ago. I got weirdly obsessed with this rumour about me and my coworker and I kinda realised… that… maybe I was projecting.”

Eddie’s eyes fluttered open, and he looked Buck over, his eyes trailing on Buck’s shirt. “Does your shirt say…?”

Buck glanced down at it, and huffed out a breath. “Chim gave it to me. Back in my… y’know, slutty days.” 

Eddie snorted, “Seduce me please.” He read out with a little smile on his face, one that almost looked disbelieving. “Well, that would be a lot fucking easier if you didn’t avoid me right as I wanted to start trying.”

Buck laughed more than was strictly necessary for the joke, but it was a little hysterical. He still couldn’t quite believe this was happening, not least because he hadn’t even known how bad he wanted it until a few weeks before. 

But every second of it looked different in hindsight. And of course that was what he had wanted. Of course it was. He was so blind not to realise it sooner. 

Buck pressed another soft kiss to Eddie’s lips, resolving that he didn’t want to push it any further then and there. He wanted it, he wanted everything he could get from Eddie, but he wanted them to be on steady footing first, and he wanted Eddie to know that despite his poor judgement, he wasn’t going anywhere. 

“By the way, just for the record, you said before that Hen told you Bobby bet you’d tell me first? Not actually true. Bobby bet finding out about the betting pool would be what did it.”

Buck blinked, “Wait— so they all actually owe Bobby money?” He asked with a little smile.

“I think your favourite child status probably just bought Bobby some exciting new groceries for his cooking.” Eddie teased, and Buck couldn’t quite hold back the giddy giggles he would’ve sworn neither he, nor Eddie ever let out around each other if he had been asked even a few days earlier.