Chapter Text
It had been a few long yet uneventful few days since she had last laid eyes on her father. Since she stared at him with coldness and shock while he escaped into the night after stealing the armored suit of the friend she had ultimately left behind. That night had been weighing on her conscience with little rest in-between. It was only when she had finally fallen to the ground a few hours after and laid her head on her chest that she felt at ease.
Telling herself that it would be ok. That everything could still be fixed, and things were not ruined just because she was too cowardly to end his life then and there. That proved to be wrong. The many revelations of that night haunted her nightmares and day thoughts.
When she finally distracted herself with whatever random raider or wanderer had stumbled upon the two, her peace due to those distractions eventually went away one way or another. There was no permanent release from whatever she was thinking. Whether it was guilt or relief she could not place.
Many thoughts ended up returning to her mother. Someone who she had previously thought for years was at peace and in her final resting place. That was the time her mother had been owed. It was her father’s burden for her death, yes, but also that of the so-called savior of the wasteland.
Although she did not know much about the various politics still confining people in the above-ground world, that did not stop her from making assumptions. Her heart knew that no matter who she turned to, whether it be her father or the individual who broke into her vault, she would never feel at ease. Her heart clenched at her behavior from just a few short days ago.
The happiness of finally finding the one person who she trusted whole. Someone who she shared her deepest insecurities and introspections with only for that to get turned on her head in the most humiliating way. To have a monster of a father like the ones she had only read about in her textbooks was enough to drive someone mad. Thousands of people were reduced to ash while thousands more struggled to pick up the pieces of their lives fast enough to scramble out of harm's way with only the clothes on their back was enough to make her sick.
She wanted to punish herself for the misery he had caused but knew it made no sense. It got to a point where food was starting to be unappealing. No matter how much her stomach grumbled and croaked for something, it was not enough to change her made up mind. She yearned to rot. Not even the appeal of reuniting with her beloved brother and community back in 33 hadn’t been enough to snap her out of it.
Lucy allowed her now frizzled hair to drift in the breeze as her eyes studied the flames from their campsite as they danced above the coals. The temperature had quickly fallen to levels she hadn’t believed were possible in this region until an unknown warning on her Pipboy flashed across the screen. Cooper glanced at her calmness yet sensed something else building. An inner turmoil brewing into something unsustainable.
“Would ya look at that? Them gadgets really put in the work to keep you vaulties safe.”
Had it been a different day, she would have jumped at the opportunity to engage in conversation with him. Right now, all she could do was turn her head in his direction and silently acknowledge his comment. It was too much energy to even muster a smile, even though she really wanted to. It was a complicated feeling.
The man raised an eyebrow. This hadn’t been the same girl who looked at him with a seemingly infinite gleam in her eye. There was a stark difference in her demeaner over the span of a few weeks, which wouldn’t have shocked him if it was anyone else. He had expected her to hold on a little longer.
“Hey, kid, you’re starting to freak me out with this whole silent treatment.” The comment whisked her away from her introspection.
“It’s not ... I’m just not really in the mood.” Lucy couldn’t help but have her insecurities and fears bleed into their conversation.
“What are you still doing here anyways. I only use up your supplies and take the only blanket there is between us.”
Her body slouched into her makeshift chair made with only a few layers of cloth stuffed with weeds.
“I’m dead weight.”
He scoffed at that. To emphasize his perspective even more so, he softly tugged on the ears of their beloved Dogmeat and pursed his lips.
“Did you hear that, girl? Vaultie’s flesh is up for grabs now that she’s proclaimed herself invaluable.” Lucy shook her head at his jokes. She was tired of running from her problems with only thinly veiled references to what she had experienced. She was a fool to think she could slide by without at least talking about what had transpired these past few days. Hell, even these past few weeks as she witnessed the brutal murder of her community while she almost got sent to the cutting board herself.
“Please, I would much rather go out on my own terms. There’s no need for you to be sticking around anymore. I’m sure you can get a few more vials for the rest of my good fingers.”
Her words were spat at him like acid, causing even this experienced wastelander to straighten himself up like he had just been reprimanded in history class.
“Now, what the fuck is your problem, girl?”
“I-I don’t know. That wasn’t nice, I’m sorry.”
Suddenly her hands started to shake, and her breathing got shallow. It felt like the breeze she was once enjoying a second ago had somehow whisked away the oxygen in her lungs. Cooper slightly leaned forwards, not caring that his hat also leaned, but a little too close to his line of sight.
“Look, just relax a bit, yeah?”
“I just murdered my-” She swallowed hard and tried to regain her composure.
“I thought she was gone an- and I couldn’t even think of what to tell her. The next thing I knew there was a ringing in my ear from the bullet. From my gun.”
“Jeezus, kid, I’m sorry but your momma hadn’t been the woman you knew. What you saw over there, it-"
He sighed with a noticeable clench in his chest. He had never been in a situation like this. It reminded him of everything he had done to bury his own complicated feelings of semi-immortality.
“It was just a shadow.” He stopped for a second.
“I have some experience, believe it or not, being over 200 years old.”
Lucy’s mind flickered to the sight of the corpse-like figure at the table.
“The state of her ...” Lucy trailed off while ignoring the presence of a wave of goosebumps engulfing her body.
“I think you’re right. That wasn’t the person I knew.” She paused for a second while glancing in his direction.
“What you are, what my mom was, is what can happen to someone who survives a nuclear blast?”
Cooper kept his head looking forward, avoiding her curious gaze.
“Yes.”
The pair remained silent for a moment as Lucy tried to form a coherent sentence.
“How am I expected to live knowing what my father has done. Knowing he was responsible for my mom, and for …”
She trailed on, thinking back to her life in the vault.
“I can’t stop questioning everything he has ever done. The laughs, the fights, the silence.”
“We aren’t meant to carry the weight of the decisions of others. Especially when it comes to those we love.”
“Then how come I can’t get it out of my head?”
“Y-you know where I ended up? In another vault. One that had taken refugees from Sandy Shores even though those living there had previous qualms with outsiders.”
She jumped to her feet to illustrate her point.
“The man I was traveling with, the one I left behind in the tower, he did whatever he could to protect me when I was in danger. Including stealing their power source.”
“My heart felt like it was going to burst knowing those people would’ve been vulnerable to the outside. How cruel of a twist was that? The daughter of the one responsible for their pain had almost allowed for their slow and painful extinction.”
Lucy could do nothing but laugh at the absurdity of it all. Teaching history had been a challenge, but actively being a part of history was a whole different story.
“Well, you ain’t doing too bad for yourself, sweetheart. You made it out alive so far which counts for something.”
But what if I don’t want...
Her mind tried to change her focus.
“How was my father when you first met him?”
If Cooper had been less exhausted and even less sympathetic, he would’ve thrown his hat in disgust. That man had been a slimy creature with no regard for anything but his career. For the sake of the girl, however, he knew to keep it contained for now.
“Oh, uh, well let me think on that.” He began to search his mind for a positive interaction but fell short.
“Remember how I said I’ve been alive for 200 years? My memory ain’t what it used to be.”
Lucy couldn’t help but be sharp in her response.
“You seemed to remember it well enough the other day.”
“Hey now –” His finger flew defensively to point at her, although she barely reacted.
“That ain’t fair! You vaulties don’t have much variation in your day-to-day activities, much less having to battle near-starvation and instant death by-proxy every damn afternoon, now do you?” Cooper contemplated the details. He was confused on why he even entertained the idea and now subjected himself to another regretful trip down memory lane.
“Not much else to say other than he was a coward then and a coward now. Running from his dead career to play ‘daddy in a test tube’.”
Lucy’s head slightly turned at the unfamiliar jargon but listened intently anyways. Growing up her father had been the bravest man she had ever known. There wasn’t much that could fly by him. A small smile crept on her lips while suddenly remembering how many times he would check underneath her bed and deep into her closet for wandering roaches during her childhood. It had taken the persistence of both her father and mother to push her towards finally trying out for the gymnastics team, which turned into her wanting to partake in anything else to make them proud.
“He wasn’t a bad father. The opposite, actually. His love only rivaled that of my mother, who was the most intelligent and caring person I had ever known.”
Tears were now in her eyes. She sniffled at what she assumed to be the last memory of her mother, watching as the community she had tried to assimilate into was suddenly ripped away in an instant. And then before, her children were taken away and locked up to never be seen again by the person who made them. The man who she had entrusted her whole future to betrayed her at every step, stripping her of everything she held dear.
Lucy wiped her eyes with her dirtied fingers, coming to terms with the fact that this was going to be her life. Nothing will ever be the same no matter what small hope for reconciliation she had left. A thought she’d never share with her companion out of a fear of looking weak. She was tired of looking weak. There had to be a future of something other than this weakness that gnawed at her soul like a parasite.
“I’ve decided,” she proclaimed.
“Decided what?”
“I’m going to kill my father.”