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Length: 0:07:53
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Performed & Produced by: olive2read
Written by: crackfics_georg, flowerparrish, and olive2read using Frantic Fanfic
Text
Izzy Hands spotted a strange ship on the horizon and prepared for a fight. He called to the crew, then got his sword and his guns. Taking the initiative, he grabbed a rope and swung overboard, landing on the other ship with his sword out.
When he saw the first member of the enemy crew, Izzy was taken aback. It was a small green creature, with long ears, wrapped in a blanket. Well, whatever. At least it would be easy to kill. He raised his sword and prepared to strike.
Suddenly, Izzy went flying backwards, smashing into the mast of the enemy ship.
"What the--!" He cried out, groaning a bit as he pulled himself upright once more. He’d lost his sword, it had gone clattering out of his hand on impact, and, as he watched, it was kicked further away by the chaos of the fighting around him.
Izzy reached out and tried to grab the little green creature but, somehow, it managed to evade his grip by waddling back at an incredible pace. It didn't even get tripped up by its blanket!
"C'mere, you little brat!" Izzy growled. He wasn't sure what kind of weird pet this enemy ship had discovered, but he was damn sure he was going to be the one to get rid of it.
The creature made gurgling noises at him and widened its eyes in a classic ploy.
"If you think I'm falling for that, well." He didn't bother to finish the thought out loud, lunging towards the thing. This time when it dodged, he was ready for it and swung the dagger in his other hand around, swift and true.
Except, no. He was certain he'd got there in time. The thing should be bleeding out on the deck, skewered on the tip of his favourite dagger. Instead, his dagger was embedded in the deck and the creature was standing to the side, perched on the ship's railing, and gazing at him quizzically.
Izzy saw red.
He yanked out his dagger and threw himself at the creature. He was so close to victory—his dagger an inch from the creature's eye—but, at the last moment, it flew out of his hands and into the ocean.
"That was my favorite dagger! You rascal!" Izzy shouted, punching the creature in the face. Whether through skill or surprise, this time, his hand was fast enough. Finally, he had got a hit in. He raised his hand, preparing to strike it again, but once more he felt an invisible force lifting him up and throwing him across the ship.
He landed on his back, and it hurt like hell. "Fuck this!"
Suddenly, a dark shadow fell over Izzy where he lay. That wasn't surprising, what with the amount of people running around to and fro across the deck.
What was surprising--worrying, even--was that the shadow didn't move away again in short order.
Izzy's vision slowly cleared--he must have hit his head, as if this day couldn't get any worse--and he struggled to focus on the menacing figure above him.
This pirate… was he even a pirate? Izzy had met many pirates with a flair for strange gimmicks—Edward chiefest among them—but this one was dressed head to toe in what looked like a suit of metal armor. Metal! As if he wouldn't sink like an anchor the second he slipped overboard! What kind of lunatic did THAT?
A growl cut across Izzy's dazed and confused thoughts, blocking out all other sound for a moment. Wow, part of him mused distractedly, Edward would be jealous as fuck over that talent.
Then, the words registered. "Did you just hit my kid?"
His what? Had Izzy hit his head harder than he’d thought?
A heavy metal boot came down on his chest, pinning him to the deck.
"No?" Izzy managed. "There's no kids here."
Once upon a time, that wouldn't have stopped Edward's crew, but they did things differently now. He wouldn't have hurt a kid. He probably wouldn't even have gone after that green thing as intently if it hadn't provoked him by throwing him around with magic powers!
Wait. The green thing... with the big eyes… was that....?
The strange figure didn't reply. It just glared down at him with utter disdain. Izzy was, honestly, a little impressed, considering he couldn't even see the person's face. The boot pressed down on his chest and Izzy wheezed out a breath.
"Get off of me," he said, in his most menacing tone. Well, he attempted to be as menacing as possible while panting for breath. The person said nothing.
Izzy wrapped his hands around the boot and fought for all he was worth to get free. Nothing happened. He was just even more out of breath than before. He glared right back up at the metal-clad pirate.
Suddenly, the little green creature came up beside him and cocked its head.
"What are you looking at, you--" He cut off as the boot pressed down once more.
The creature reached out one small hand and booped him on the noise. It made a sound filled with glee and smiled up at the metal figure.
And Izzy knew he was utterly fucked.